Heather, I'm so sorry that you're having these difficulties with Leta - and I'm even more sorry that SHE'S having this problem.
Unfortunately, I have absolutely no solutions for you, as I'm childfree for the duration.

However, my heart goes out to you and yours.

You are not doing anything wrong. In fact, you are doing everything right. Screw that mean mother. Be glad you are not like her.

If my child was having problems like that, I would probably drink lots of liquid myself, and then pee in front of her, smiling while I do it. Kind of make a game out of it. Show her that peeing doesn't hurt...rather that it's fun. I know...the things we do for our kids, huh?

Hugs to you both.

God knows I'm no one to offer advice. We've been trying to potty train our daughter for over a year. And it's not that she's not willing or that we're forcing it on her. We're more of the "go with the flow" type people too, but it's just taking FOREVER.

What do the Dr's say you can do to help her out?

Heather, I didn't rush to potty train my son and I did not even have half the excellent reasons you have to wait. My son is 15, an A student at a top prep school, a delightful kid all around. I feel letting him train when we were both ready and willing to do it certainly hasn't harmed him in the least. I am so tired of potty training, walking, talking, etc. as a competitive sport among moms.

PS I am an Interior Decorator and I love your home.

My son, who is now five, was equally good at stopping his bodily need to have a BM. I totally know what you are going through and you are quite right, Leta going in her diaper is celebration worthy.

I can't believe that someone would actually say those things to you!

By the way, we switched my son to soy milk 'cause it was dairy that was bunging him up. Poop problem solved. Unfortunately he had to get over the fear which took a long time.

Happy thoughts to all of you:-)

That is absolutely awful - poor Leta, and yourself and Jon must have found that so traumatic as well. I dont have children of my own but I work with children with special needs who would sometimes have similar toilet issues as Leta - we have a book called "Everybody Poos"!!! which we read to them when they are having problems - its a great way to start a conversation about how its ok to poo etc - you may have already heard of it but I thought it was worth the effort of joining to post a comment!
Ive been reading your site for ages now and I absolutely love it - have laughed out loud in public librarys and Starbucks while reading it!

Ps - i feel sorry for Catherine's kids - as they grow up, they will continually fail to meet her exact standards and become adults with little or no self esteem.

My helpful commentary? Don't worry about potty training. My son turned three over 2 weeks ago and is not potty trained. And I don't even have any excuses like you do. He will happily sit on the potty and read a magazine (just like daddy, aw) and pee, but I am too lazy to go full force with it. So, meh. It'll happen before kindergarten, I'm sure.

Heather,
I went through the same thing with 2 of my children, the other 2 love to poop wherever (sigh). I went through all of the recommended bran diets, senokot laxatives, prunes until they couldn't stand it anymore, etc. Both of my children overcame this problem in their own time, which was about the same time that I stopped being neurotic about it (hmmmm).
I am sorry for what you are going through, but you cannot take it personally when somebody imposes their thoughts on you. Sometimes people just feel the need to spew...and you have given them a great public forum to do just that! Love Leta all up and she will be fine!

My 4 year old son will hold his poop in for a couple of days. I've literally had to strip him down give him an enima and rub his tummy while he lay on a drash bag. So aweful.

She'll get it in time. My son was 3.5 before he got it. I think the best advice is to let her be around other children for long periods of time at regular intervals. My son didn't want to look like a baby to his frinds. I know it's peer pressure but in a good way. Try daycare a couple of times a week for a few hours. Or friends her age.

I'm rooting for you. Poor Leta--Poor mom and dad! Man. Best wishes.

Please... the statistics LIE when it comes 2 the individual. You're doing what is best 4 your child. Soon, she will forget the pain & she'll potty train. The trauma can be worked out a number of ways, but the way you seem fit is the best for now, for LETA and for YOU.

Critics be damned. Oprah said it, and u know that's gospel.

Thanks 4 sharing.

First of all, Catherine can bite me. And that's the nicest thing I can say about her.

Second, my heart goes out to you, because I've been there with a constipated kid. Mine is almost 6 and he still asks for jelly beans after he poops because it's such a chore for him, and I give them to him happily, because at least he's pooping. He's not being difficult or defiant or evil (as has often been suggested to us by non-judgemental parents like sweet Catherine), he's just scared to poop, because it hurts like hell. And that's with a laxative every night. No fun for anyone.

As for the potty training, you're right, and you're right because you're her mother. She's not ready. You'll know when she is. I tried just about every three months after my son's second birthday and tried it all...nothing worked until he was ready. And when he finally *was* ready? It was like someone had flipped a switch. Incidentally, he wasn't ready until a couple of months before his fourth birthday, which I doubt is something that will ever come up on a job application, so I think we did o.k. It's not a competition and she won't go to the prom in a pull-up. Hang in there and trust your guts.

First, what you have shown us readers of your home is beautiful. Catherine can take a f**king hike. I hate jealousy. Its a thing called taste, preference, style. To each there own.

Second - I don't have children, just a dog and nieces and nephews. I was a child though. And I had major bladder problems until the 5th grade. My mother decided to try to embarass me into bladder control. It had no effect other than wetting my pants in front of my friends. You are absolutely right to be happy that she will pee in a diaper. All good things in all good time.

I have absolutely no idea if this is good advice, as I am childless myself. Also, I know there are lots of theories and opinions about potty training, and what I'm about to suggest probably violates a whole lot of "rules." But, what if you tried to sell going on the toilet as the solution... You could try to convince her that going on the toilet is fun! painless! feels good in fact! rather than try to convince her to go in the diaper which she knows hurt her before. Just a thought... I realize that the goal here isn't to potty train, but maybe it's actually an opportune time -- break with the old habits, try something new.

Heather,
I have been reading your site for a few months now. Many times I laughed, and agreed with you, but never enough to actually register to make a comment, until now.
I have 2 little girls, one who is 13 months and one who is 1 month (our family motto for 2007 is Keep it in your pants). I can not even imagine the pain you must have felt watching Leta go through that, and then to get some dumb ass comment from a dumb ass woman just adds insult to injury.
1st I bet Leta's room doesnt always look that clean, probably just the first 2 seconds before she wakes up and plays in it, and secondly she won't be going to her prom in diapers, and even if shedoes she is just doing what most of us wish we could!
And I loved the pics of your house, and want to see more, I like the uncluttered look-call me sterile too!
Mothers are notorious for judging other mothers and it is stupid. We all know how hard a job this is and we should support each other.
Sorry if this is so all over the place, but that comment really pissed me off, and it wasn't even directed at me, so I can imagine how you feel.
Leta looks like a happy, fun, loved kid, one I would love to have over for a playdate and share my daughter's growing collection of annoying Elmo stuff with, diaper and all
Heather

I've never commented on your site before but had to delurk to comment now. I have two boys - ages 10 and 4 - and both of them dealt with constipation starting when they were potty training. Both boys decided that they would prefer to hold in their poop for multiple days rather than poop either in a diaper or on the potty. We try to find the humor in everything, so we jokingly labeled them "anal retentive" but in reality it was a total nightmare. And what my oldest son put us through ended up being nothing compared to the hell the youngest one brought us. We tried so many things - encouragement, bribery, and in desperation, even punishment - to try to get them to poop. In the end (heh!), they both got past their pooping problems when THEY were ready, and there was nothing that we did that ended up helping them. The good news here is that when they did finally grasp that pooping wasn't going to kill them and that pooping on the potty was actually more fun than crapping your pants, it was like someone turned on a light switch, and they both conquered their troubles overnight. Leta will poop easily on the potty one day, but not a minute before she's ready to do so.

Maybe Ms. Catherine who wrote to you with such expertise would like to come help you with this fun with Leta? You could let her help with the next enema you have to administer. It's so much fun, it's really a shame to not share it with others.

I don't have children and haven't been involved in the potty training of nieces and nephews enough to offer advice. I remember my sister telling me that it was helpful to let my niece stand in the bathroom while my sister or other female relatives used the bathroom so that my niece wasn't so afraid of doing it herself (she suffered several UTIs and avoided the bathroom, too). In fact, my sister tried to make a party out of it (I'm not kidding) with lots of hand clapping, singing, and praise for a job well done. Lots of time spent with the entire family camped around the toilet. My niece wore her last diaper a few months shy of her fourth birthday.

You're doing what you can. She'll get there and pushing the issue will only hinder results.

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

I have no solutions, just encouragement. My now two year old had severe milk protein allergies as a newborn. Before we got it worked out he had every test in the book, IVs, scopes, enemas, etc. He later had another problem that required lots of IVs, and some surgery. There is nothing worse than watching (and having to help hold) your child when all that is going on. Sounds to me like you guys are doing everything right.

The one time our toddler had trouble with constipation the Dr. gave him Miralax, probably similar to what you've tried. Does sitting in the bathtub help? Sometimes hearing running water makes kids go. Will she eat anything like prunes? I somewhere online read that light Karo syrup, a teaspoon or so in water helps with constipation. Its all sugar of course, so that might not be great, but if it helps...
Have your tried the glycerin suppositories? They make them infant/child size. This might be more trauma for her, but they do seem to work. Less trauma than an enema anyway.

Anyway, hang in there. I am sure she will outgrow it all, though I know from experience that the in-between time and worrying is what will eat your lunch.

I wish I could offer you words or wisdom that would help but I do not have children Heather. Although my thoughts are the same as others above :
SCREW THE SELF JUDGIN NASTY ASSED MEAN MOTHER! SHE IS A TIT!
I can give a little bit of a giggle however.
My little brother did not fulkly potty train until he was 4. Mum said my sister Alex and I were a breeze. Easy going pee at will in a potty. George not so easy.
After trial and error the solution was found.
Mum used to stand George at the toliet and us 2 girls at the door. When George eventually 'let go' ( were talking like 20 minutes of standing there) Alex and I would whoop cheer clap and yell ' Ya George you peed !'
Unfortunately it got to a point that George would no longer pee without a ' audience and cheering section'

Mean judgemental mother needs to realize that all people parent differently but most importantly all kids grow up differently!
Oh yeah and by the way your house is damn nice. nothing sterile what so ever. And mean mum can shove it. I grew up in a identically spotless house and even had to stand by my bed for ' room inspection'

Grrr mean mum has ticked me off.
Good luck Heather all will right itself eventually of that I am sure

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8!
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.

I remember not being allowed to take bubble baths and my mother watering down out milk so we got more clear liquids in attempt to ward off the bladder infections. Maybe this will help?

Screw the haters. You are her mother and you know better than anyone else because you and Jon MADE her.

I love your house. I wish you'd come and declutter my sad grad student apartment and make it all pretty.

Do they make a Happy Potty Time(tm) Elmo? Maybe if Elmo likes it...

Chin up!

My grandmothers (yes, that's plural, they ganged up on her) tried to potty train me entirely too soon, and my Mom had to fight tooth and nail to train me when SHE wanted to... and I turned out just fine. College graduate, going for a Master's, no meth or crack involved.

I think you need to do an email spring cleaning just like StrongBad.

DELETED!

I can't even read past her email yet. WHAT A BITCH! you'd think she'd have something else to do, what with the job and the potty trained kid. I gotta go back and read the rest, but I'm sure whatever you're doing isn't 'out of control sterile.' Fucking EW!

Does Leta like cranberry juice (either with apple/grape/other flavors included)? My daughter had the same peeing problem and got an infection and started to hold in the pee. She was also very young. I told her that if she holds it in, she could get another infection, but if she drank a little cranberry juice every day, that would help keep it from hurting again. So she had a small glass of cranberry juice in the mornings. Now she's 9 and way past that, but it worked, she started peeing normally again. You don't even have to give her too much juice, just a little. It's the magic elixir.

Long time fan, first time commenting.

Screw the idiots who make dumb and hurtful comments like that mother. She should be ashamed of herself. Kids are not robots. They do things in their own time and in their own way. Leta is a perfectly adorable child and very strong-willed. It will happen when it happens. I know that sounds sort of "hippie-ish" but it's true. When she's ready, you'll know.

I never even tried to get my daughter to potty-train. One day, she just got up off the floor where she was playing and told my mother "Yaya, come potty". She went in to the bathroom, pulled down her underwear and went potty. Now, it wasn't smooth sailing after that, we did have accidents, but she did it in her own time and in her own way. No pressure from me.

You're doing a wonderful job raising that little girl. Keep it up.

By the way, love your decorating taste. I'm more partial to bright colors and lots of chaos, but I can certainly appreciate your taste.

I wish I could offer you words or wisdom that would help but I do not have children Heather. Although my thoughts are the same as others above :
SCREW THE SELF JUDGIN NASTY ASSED MEAN MOTHER! SHE IS A TIT!
I can give a little bit of a giggle however.
My little brother did not fulkly potty train until he was 4. Mum said my sister Alex and I were a breeze. Easy going pee at will in a potty. George not so easy.
After trial and error the solution was found.
Mum used to stand George at the toliet and us 2 girls at the door. When George eventually 'let go' ( were talking like 20 minutes of standing there) Alex and I would whoop cheer clap and yell ' Ya George you peed !'
Unfortunately it got to a point that George would no longer pee without a ' audience and cheering section'

Mean judgemental mother needs to realize that all people parent differently but most importantly all kids grow up differently!
Oh yeah and by the way your house is damn nice. nothing sterile what so ever. And mean mum can shove it. I grew up in a identically spotless house and even had to stand by my bed for ' room inspection'

Grrr mean mum has ticked me off.
Good luck Heather all will right itself eventually of that I am sure

Heather I have no words of ultimate wisdom, I'm a first time mom, and like you, I have a little girl. I cannot imagine having to watch her go through so much pain and discomfort on a constant basis. I commend you for being able to keep your sense of humor through it all, I don't know that I could. What I mostly don't understand is why mothers feel that they must judge and belittle other parents. If they have all the answers, please, enlighten the rest of us idiots that are so *obviously* failing as parents.

My kiddo is 2. Potty trained? Yeah right. She will do it WHEN SHE IS READY. And I don't get to decide when that is, no matter how much I would like to sit her down tomorrow and say "Hey, guess what, today we are going to use the potty and you will never need another diaper again!".

All I can suggest is like someone else said, try switching out her milk to a soy or rice milk to see if maybe that helps. I would say change her diet but at 2 or 3, they eat what they want when they want basically. Have you tried the youth suppositories? I know when mine was much younger she had terrible problems with constipation and these worked ok. They are found at the pharmacy over the counter. Not the most pleasant thing, but I found if you cover it in vaseline it goes in easier.

But anyway, I mainly just posted to give you some support and say you aren't alone in all this and no, we aren't all judgemental crackpots.

Just what every mother loves...unsolicited parenting advice from an overly critical stranger. Leta will use the "big girl" potty when she is ready. AND...I think your house is very nice. Not at all sterile, full of warm and comforting colors...

I have no solutions, just encouragement. My now two year old had severe milk protein allergies as a newborn. Before we got it worked out he had every test in the book, IVs, scopes, enemas, etc. He later had another problem that required lots of IVs, and some surgery. There is nothing worse than watching (and having to help hold) your child when all that is going on. Sounds to me like you guys are doing everything right.

The one time our toddler had trouble with constipation the Dr. gave him Miralax, probably similar to what you've tried. Does sitting in the bathtub help? Sometimes hearing running water makes kids go. Will she eat anything like prunes? I somewhere online read that light Karo syrup, a teaspoon or so in water helps with constipation. Its all sugar of course, so that might not be great, but if it helps...
Have your tried the glycerin suppositories? They make them infant/child size. This might be more trauma for her, but they do seem to work. Less trauma than an enema anyway.

Anyway, hang in there. I am sure she will outgrow it all, though I know from experience that the in-between time and worrying is what will eat your lunch.

First of all, the woman who wrote the letter is obviously mentally unstable (and not in a good way like you. and me. and most other mothers out there.) so just discard her from your mind like the piece of trash she is.

Second, my daughter who did not have the problems Leta does was not ready to potty train until she was 3... a few days after she turned 3 she said "Today I use the potty" and we've never looked back. So ... patience.

Third, your account of the medical procedures brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have had to hold my daughter down with all my strength (all 26 lbs of her) as they have inserted IVs, pumped blood from her arm, every 30 minutes for 6 hours, shoved tubes up through her nose and down her throat while she is awake.... all while she is staring into my eyes begging me to help her....
There is NO WORSE FEELING and I am so very sorry you and Jon have had to experience it.

Good luck and you are a really good mom.

p.s. Leta's room ROCKED and I was completely in awe of your style when I saw the pics.

Heather,

I bagan potty training my daughter at 2 1/2 years. The process was rather painful and took a full year to complete. Seven years later I had a son. Call me lazy - but I decided to potty train him when he seemed ready. He began bringing me fresh diapers when he needed a change. I deemed him ready after about two weeks of this behaviour. The entire potty training period with him was about one full week. That's right - seven days. Oh by the way, he was almost four. Don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy every moment.
Good Luck!

I don't have any advice for you, but maybe support? My son is currently 31 months old - on the brink on 3, and isn't toilet trained. We've been trying the last month, but no such luck. In our case it's not that he's not ready. It's that he's my son, which makes him stubborn. We'll keep trying, but my thoughts are that by the time he starts school, he'll have gotten over not doing it because mom wants him to. Good luck!

I can't speak much about the potty training issues - but it sounds like you and Jon have made the best decision and others should mind their own business!

I DID want to comment on your home decor. I saw the photos of Leta's room and had an epiphany! We are expecting and our little girl is due in May. Seeing Leta's room and realizing that a nursery doesn't HAVE to look like a pink rainbow or some bear character threw up all over the room is very reassuring. I like the minimal look of the room and the lack of clutter is refreshing. Also, I'm really thinking carpet tile is the way to go for our nursery too.
As for the rest of your house - love those Craftsman style houses, I really like the decor. I loved the little accents and am now encouraged that it's okay to have fake (beautiful) hydrangeas in the home.
Thanks for sharing your home - and giving me some good decorating ideas.

Is it dumb to ask if she has Potty Elmo? My brother and sister-in-law are trying to use him to help my niece want to go on the toilet at the moment (to the point where my sister-in-law makes peeing noises when Elmo sits on his little toilet seat), and that seems to be helping.

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

I can't even read past her email yet. WHAT A BITCH! you'd think she'd have something else to do, what with the job and the potty trained kid. I gotta go back and read the rest, but I'm sure whatever you're doing isn't 'out of control sterile.' Fucking EW!

Up until I started reading your Leta defense, I truly thought that Catherine was JOKING. How could she not be? How on Earth can someone be a vile bitch and also be allowed to have children? "Personal style", Catherine? SERIOUSLY?!

Anyway, I too have been a soldier in the battle of the baby butthole. I had a doctor feel around my son's belly and tell me "Yeah, his poo is backed all the way up his intestines... he'll start vomiting shit in a few minutes!" He would sit on the toilet AFTER THE ENEMA and cry, holding tightly to the turd and weeping pitifully. If it weren't so terribly horrible, it would be sort of impressive, right?

Listen to all of your nice commenters. You know your child. And listen to me: She will be FINE. She will not be in diapers at 15. She will learn to not be afraid of peeing. I promise.

ps. Diapers really are the best, huh?

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

I am so sorry that leta had to experience so many horrible ordeals concerning something that should be such a great relief.

I took my one-year-old, Aurora, to her first ER visit at Christmas for a 103.5 fever. they cath-ed her and I almost vomited. it was the most miserable night of our lives and I am so thankful she won't remember it.

I have been on the judgemental side of potty-training. My godson wore diapers until 4 and I started doing the eyebrow thing, the clearing the throat thing and the "oh my god, kids are going to make fun of him when he goes to school!" and my best friend (a single mom, bless her bravery) took it with smiles and nods and I'm sure was sticking pins to the voodoo doll she had created of me using hair left over in her brush, a picture and one of my stuffed animals! and then magically, suddenly, with no prompting he wanted to use the toilet and haven't had any problems since..

since i have no plans on potty training any time before two (which leaves us another blissful year of diapers) I may not have anything new for you.

The soy milk idea is good (from a previous comment). we actually have to limit soy because Aurora loves it but too much gives her the runs (also not a good thing, although it doesn't bother her at all I was tired of changing her clothes every hour).. so do soy in stride. Also recommend using vanilla or chocolate soy as the plain stuff is a bit blah for kids. I've also been giving A. a "pediatric" drink (the generic Albertsons brand) that's like Ensure for kids. It's sweet and yes I don't like the additional sugar but it's a supplement (so I can be sure she's getting in lots of vitamins when she goes through her picky weeks) and has added fiber which might help.

As for miss catty catherine... while my taste is a bit (as in a lot) more garish than yours i was amazed at how beautiful your home is.

OH! sudden ephiphany.. does Leta like Blue's Clues? the episode (with Joe) called "morning Music" has a song about going to the bathroom (it's funny so I sing it alot) and now every time I have to use the bathroom I sing the opening phrase "Gotta go gotta go gotta go" and then she runs into the bathroom with me and dances while I sing the rest of the song.. maybe it would generate some interest?

You're doing what you can. She'll get there and pushing the issue will only hinder results.

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8.
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.
My parents unfortunately didn't use that method and I only got yelled at for peeing in my pants, which I guess made me just associate negativity with all things having to do with pee.
Good luck. Sounds like rough times... I am not looking forward to this with my 2 1/4 yr old.
Looking forward to seeing a video of her first turd when she gets there... :p

Dude. That was one mean email. People need to stop trying to raise other people's kids.

I don't have any kids right now, BUT I am surrounded by mothers and pregnant women at my office. All I hear all day are stories advice about kids and pregnancy (by the time I do have kids, I won't even need to go to the doctor). All that to say, you know what's best for your child and no one else. Obviously you're not mistreating or abusing her. She will have to learn and grow at her own pace. That is because every person is different. Leta is her own person and will do what she needs to in her own time. Of course, you and Jon are there to guide her and teach her, and since you are the ones who know her best, you are the best ones for the job!

You're doing a great job too! I am sure that with your guidance, the things in her personality that seem exasperating now will mellow and meld and grow to be her some of the best things about her.

Fer reals.

How fucking pathetic is that woman? I sincerely don't understand the kind of self-loathing involved in taking time out of one's day to write that kind of an email. Your family, your home, your life are obviously in such stark contrast to her insanely depressing one that lashing out at you is her way of feeling a smidge better about how bad she sucks.

As for Leta, she is fantastic, beautiful, and that will of steal will serve her well in life. Leta will come around one day. The important thing is to try, as much as you can, to keep this period her in life as *unmemorable*. Down play, down play, down play.

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8.
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.
My parents unfortunately didn't use that method and I only got yelled at for peeing in my pants, which I guess made me just associate negativity with all things having to do with pee.
Good luck. Sounds like rough times... I am not looking forward to this with my 2 1/4 yr old.
Looking forward to seeing a video of her first turd when she gets there... :p

What a self-righteous bitch that woman is. Sometimes I am utterly astonished at how careless people are with other people's feelings. I have no children myself, but it seems like you have exactly the right attitude with potty-training. She'll be ready when she's ready.

On a personal note, I truly enjoy your site and I've managed to get many of my coworkers addicted to it. I've been caught more than once giggling and snorting like a fool in my cubicle, tears streaming down my face. Keep up the fantastic work!

Like everyone else has already said, Heather, Leta will be potty trained as and when she's ready. I know that doesn't help when stupid, ignorant women like Catherine stick their oars in but it's a fact and as a mother she should know that.

The constipation/fear of pooping etc. sounds horrific and I think you've done a great job stauing sane and just being a good mother to Leta. One or more of the earlier commenters said about letting Leta spend time with older children because peer pressure may help. It certainly did in my experience with my own daughter. We didn't make a big thing of 'oh look at the BIG boys and girls' or anything like that, she worked it out on her own.

Oh and for the record, your house is beautiful and I love seeing pictures of it. You have impeccable taste and Catherine can just bite me, stupid woman.

Hang in there, Heather, you ARE doing this right. Just hang in there.

My elder son was fully potty-trained by 3 years, 3 months or so. We tried potty training earlier, but with limited success. He eventually started to go #2 in the potty, though, simply to avoid having it in his pants. Later on, he started sleeping through the night without wetting himself. Soon after that, he went #1 in the potty also. Left to his own devices, he essentially trained himself.

My younger son, however, is 3 years, 3 months old now, and he has not achieved nearly the same level of potty training. He apparently uses it at school, but my wife and I must be some sort of pants-filling trigger for him, because he hardly ever succeeds at home. Sometimes he'll succeed with #1, but for #2 he sneaks off and hides, only to surprise us later with his excretory misdeeds. He has yet to sleep through the night without wetting himself, though, so we think it's primarily a physiological issue, and potty training will continue to fail until his body catches up.

Every kid is different. Not just in mind, but in body as well. Potty training has both physical and psychological elements, so the age at which kids learn to use the potty is guaranteed to fall on a large spectrum.

Personally, I'm convinced that any kid who is fully potty-trained before the age of three has responded more to the anal retentiveness of the parent.

My daughter has had issues with going to the bathroom since day one, too. It is soooo hard. I figure she will learn to use a potty in her own time, just as you have with Leta.

I thought your house and Leta's room was beautiful. Want to come over and clean/decorate mine? I'll make you cookies and some sort of vodka-based drink...although we only have cranberry-apple juice right now.

Heather, Women in general are extremely judgemental (not me of course -- yeah right). Ignore them. According to my mother, the the only reason that she potty-trained my sister at 3 was so she could leave her at daycare. I was trained by 3 because my mom was expecting my sister and couldn't deal with 2 kids in diapers. If none of those apply, who cares how long you have to change diapers? Now, your house is a little beige for my taste, but beautiful, and again, who cares what that woman thinks, she doesn't live there, you do! Don't worry so much about what people think of you. Easy to say, tough to do, especially when we all keep writing and telling you what we think! --Heather

Oh Heather. This is so sad. See though, you have nice friends who aren't vile uptight bitches who have no sense of "personal style" when it comes to being human beings. Take comfort.

She will get it in her time, I promise. You are doing the right thing. You are an amazing, thoughtful parent. And I love your green vase collection.

Yes, I too have been a soldier in the battle of the butthole. Hm, I am thinking there ought to be a hymn, along the lines of "Onward Christian Soldiers" about the poo resistance army and how it's being DEFEATED, thanks to enemas and patience and parents who aren't jerks. I will let you know what I come up with. In the meantime, Carry On!

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8.
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.
My parents unfortunately didn't use that method and I only got yelled at for peeing in my pants, which I guess made me just associate negativity with all things having to do with pee.
Good luck. Sounds like rough times... I am not looking forward to this with my 2 1/4 yr old.
What I AM looking forward to is seeing a video of her first turd in the bowl when she gets there... :p

I say if you are listening to your child, and not forcing her to do something based on some randomly selected idea of "normal" then you are doing a good job. With my oldest, the more I tried to potty-train her, the more constipated she got. Trust your gut. Screw everyone else.

Heather, I am so sorry for Leta- and for you. I have a 16 month old and have begun reading up on potty training, and apparently this issue of a "fear" of going to the bathroom is a very real problem. My nephew experienced the same problem and was not completely potty-trained until he was 4 1/2. The good news is that all the experts agree that almost all children will be potty trained by the time they go to kindergarten. Leta will catch on soon enough. In the meantime, stay stocked up on chocolate and liquor(for you of course) and you should survive mostly unscathed :)

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

Heather -
I've read your blog for over a year now and love it. I've been tempted to write many times, but this is the one that put me over the edge as it touches on two of my "touchy" subjects. First of all LOVE the anal retentive organized look of your house. Second it breaks my heart what you and Leta are going through and I wish I could hug you both. It will get better. I'm glad you can joke about these things and realize that while they are HORRIBLE they are also ridiculous. Hang in there. And if you learn that "magical" (aka imaginary) key to potty training PLEASE pass it on to the rest of us!!

I wish I had some comment that would help. My neice was constipated well night for years as a small child, and if it's any consolation, she's now about to get married and is fine. I am sorry about Leta's problem. She certainly is strong-willed!

Take no notice of that silly woman. Leta is a lovely girl and will, I am sure, grow into a lovely young lady.

I say if you are listening to your child, and not forcing her to do something based on some randomly selected idea of "normal" then you are doing a good job. With my oldest, the more I tried to potty-train her, the more constipated she got. Trust your gut. Screw everyone else.

OK, where does this "Catherine" live and what blunt object should I use to bash her brains in?? That's what I hate about the Internet -- on the one hand you have these wonderful supportive networks of moms on the other hand, you have bitches like that who hide behind the anonymity and offer lots of information on why they're better than you, oh I mean, helpful advice.

I have 2 friends now whose daughters (older than Leta) have gone through the constipation thing when coupled with potty training. Let's be clear too that their moms are wonderful moms too and not crack whores turning tricks to buy uncrustables that they'll only turn around and sell for even more crack. One of these kids had to be hospitalized -- it was that bad. It's not the mom's fault for potty training too soon or not soon enough or not the right way or whatever. It just happens people.

I have another friend who has 3 kiddos. She has a strategy that I just adore. Wait until the kids are begging to be potty trained and then tell them, no you're not ready. Drag it out for another month to where the kids are BEGGING for you to let them use it and BEGGING to wear Bob the Builder/Dora/etc panties. Make them think it's their decision.

Keep in mind this is coming from a mother whose 26 month old son is currently running around the house bare bottomed because he delights in taking his pants and diaper off and running away from me.

Having gone through something similar when my daughter (now 4) was potty-training AND having gone through something similar with her just this past weekend, I can sympathize. Hearing your child scream with pain is horrific. For awhile we went through a "Just Poop" phase. I didn't care where, I didn't care how--just poop! The book "Everyone Poops" helped a lot, too.

Best of luck to you and Leta.

I’m not a parent so I won’t pretend to have the magic bullet.

The only person who has that bullet is Leta. When she is good and ready to assimilate urinating and pooping with good memories she will be off and going. Until then, you all are doing the right thing. It’s Leta’s time table and she’ll let you know.

Isn't it nice when the perfect mothers of the world decide to share their wealth of knowledge with the rest of us imperfect Moms. (eyeroll)

I have four children ranging from Leta's age to 14.5 and not one of them has been potty trained at the age of two. They simply were not ready. Lillianne who will be 3 at the end of March has made it several days using the potty but then regressed after having the stomach flu. Why the rush, it isn't as if you will find classrooms of 5 year olds in diapers and pullups. I'm thinking that it was SOOO easy for her to train her kid b/c she more than likely had the help of a daycare provider (she states that she works outside of the home) and the "peer pressure" of other toddlers.

As for your home, it looks great and you should be applauded for being able to keep an organized home. Jealousy is a nasty, ugly thing and you can tell that this was her sole motivation. My kids rooms are neat and organized as is my home (only way we can survive with 6 of us)and these kids are not deprived. They are incredibly talented and creative kids.

Poor Leta, I am so sorry to hear that you all had to go thru that. I have been there thru those cathetars and it is awful. I've also had to help hold down my son when he was two so that they could put an IV in his head (he was so ill with RSV that a regular arm/leg vain would not work). I hope that you all find your way thru the potty fears, not so much for the sake of being potty trained but for the sake of Leta's comfort.

Oh my gosh, Heather: reading about Leta's struggles brings me back to when I was a little girl, and I battled horrible, chronic UTIs until about age 4 when, thankfully, I seemed to grow out of the problem. Probably not surprisingly, I, too, was a little on the late side when it came to being toilet trained, which I have no doubt was related to all the difficulties I had in that department. And, I know it's hard to believe, but, despite having been a devoted diaper-ee well into toddlerhood I've actually managed to become a vibrant and productive member of society...I'm sure that mother who emailed you would be shocked to hear that, but I can assure you it's true! Particularly as someone who isn't a mother yet, I'm pretty annoyed at the tone of her email...you'd think, being a mother herself, she'd have figured out by now that all kids develop differently and at their very own speed...and I'm sure Leta will, too. I just wish for both of you that her bathroom troubles weren't causing her so much discomfort: I'm sure it's one of the toughest things to know what that pain is like (as all of us who've had a UTI or ever been constipated know!) and then trying like the dickens to comfort her... Hang in there: it's bound to get better!

Oh! Heather, I can totally feel your pain! I'm a Mom of 4 and my 3rd child, K, went through the exact same thing. It can totally be frustrating and for several years we found ourselves only talking about poop!

K ended up developing encopresis due to her severe constipation. (It means that her colon was so compacted that the nerve endings no longer touched, which lead to her pooping involunterarily all day long - a joy I can assure you!) We went to several doctors, a number of whom told us to put her on a laxative - just like what you have been given - and we were told to increase her fiber intake. That is very, very difficult when the darling child already ate next to nothing and could taste a fiber additive in any type of juice, milk or water. We did finally find that Yummi Bears makes a fiber bear. She loved them. They taste and look like a gummi bear, Leta might like them. The only draw back to them is that they can be pricey and K needed to eat 15 of them to get in enough fiber!

After I talked with several of our doctors I realized that all of them were telling me that same thing - and this is important - around the age of 8 years old, most of these kids realize pooping is normal and the problem ends. That is what happened with K. She no longer has a constipation problem and we no longer talk about her pooping habits (something that we both love!)

Hang in there, I promise it will get better. If you need to talk to a Mom who's "been there, done that" please feel free to email me.

My son, too, has constipation issues; it's amazing to me that anyone can fight so strongly not to do what seems so natural. His problems stem from fear after one or two painful poops almost a year ago. I'm encouraged by your doctor's cooperation, and am hoping our appt. next month will be fruitful. Read a great informative article on UVA med center's pediatrics site, which says in kids this young it takes at least a year of laxitive induced soft regular poops before there's a chance of forgetting. Check it out: http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/internet/pediatrics/patients/tutori...
Good luck!

Out of control sterile?

The apocalypse is near. A member of my family has been described as "out of control sterile".

To hell with the people telling you that you're parenting wrong. You're doing what you know and fell is right, and that's the way it should be. Ignore the flippin' peanut gallery.

Oh Heather, I can't believe people like that! Apparently she thinks she knows everything, but if she did, she would know that experts say that children should be potty trained when they are ready. And, they will. My daughter showed interest, but didn't really want to try it herself until she was three. And longer for poopie. She had been potty trained for pee pee for many months, but would still go get a pull up and put it on to poopie. Now, at five, we are finally done with pullups, but there is no need to rush these babies! They will do things at their own pace, and there is no right or wrong age for these types of milestones. That woman is just a bitch, and it just kills me that people are so judgemental.

I love your site, I am a long time reader. Keep up the great work with the site, and with that precious baby.

Most of the "professionals" who analyze kids and child-related issues agree on the issue of potty training. And the concensus is that they will learn when they are ready.

So the rocket scientist who is posing as an ordinary mother must know this already and just forgot, temporarily.

She should be thankful that it was not an issue for her. Count her blessings and move on to the next task, because I can guarantee that she will have a parenting issue sometime or another that will have her pulling her hair out.

In the meantime, know that it is normal to have trouble potty training and also know that mothers like myself, who read your site appreciate you sharing your life in such detail. Because really, it is none of our business.

Keep your spirits up and keep thinking that in a year, you won't even think it was that big of an issue.

Heather, I can offer much empathy. I went through something very similar with my daughter who is three months older than Leta. She was urine trained relatively early- right around 2 years old. She continued to poop in her diaper- no big deal. We figured she'd get there when she was ready. Then, the constipation happened. Twice. We ultimately had to give her two doses of suppositories, which was pure hell for all involved. While reading your description of restraining Leta at the doc visit, I relived our suppository experience and had tears streaming down my face. It is one of the worst experiences I have ever had to endure. From that point on, she was scared of anything to do with poop. She was scared of her father (which totally broke my heart) because he was the one who inserted the suppository. She would hold it for days. Dance around, cry and whine. She looked physically ill during these episodes. We tried everything to get her to go. We used Miralax, but she was still afraid to go. She was on Miralax/pooping in her diaper for almost a year. Sometimes it was a huge battle, other times it wasn't quite as bad. She finally, at age 3 decided to start going on the toilet. This was her own decision, and I tried everything to get her to go, but she ultimately decided.
I feel for you and Jon. It was truly awful watching my daughter go through this. She was clearly in pain and scared and frustrated. And there was nothing I could do for her. Truly heartbreaking.
Hang in there, Heather. She will get there and in the meantime I am sending you so much support. I know what you are going through, and it may not seem like a big deal to some, but I get it.

Awwwww - poor Leta! Poor mom and dad! I'm sorry she is having these problems and hope she gets over it soon. I have no advice - nor do I think anyone should be offering you UNSOLICITED advice on when to potty train your child. I think you'll know when the time is right.

I can't believe someone would be so rude as to tell you they don't like your decorating style. WHO CARES? It's YOUR home. Sounds like the emailer is jealous that you are able to be at home and she isn't.

Hope the potty issues resovle soon.

Awwwww - poor Leta! Poor mom and dad! I'm sorry she is having these problems and hope she gets over it soon. I have no advice - nor do I think anyone should be offering you UNSOLICITED advice on when to potty train your child. I think you'll know when the time is right.

I can't believe someone would be so rude as to tell you they don't like your decorating style. WHO CARES? It's YOUR home. Sounds like the emailer is jealous that you are able to be at home and she isn't.

Hope the potty issues resovle soon.

I feel for Leta! I felt the same way when I had a bladder infection but heck, I was a whole lot older and could handle it (though not very well but I did pretend). She'll potty train when she's ready. I mean, have you ever seen a grown (normal) adult wearing diapers? I bet a year from now, this will all be a distant memory.

Heather,

I've been reading your blog for awhile, but never commented. I really enjoy your writing style and your humorous take on life in general.

I'm so glad you shared the comment from the snitty-potty lady, as it prompted me to actually be internet socialable.

What a scank! She must be seriously unhappy with herself. Don't listen to her. If I had children, I would do exactly what you're doing. Your family's experiences with Leta must have been nothing short of paralyzing. SAD.

Anyway, I LOVE your house. I really like the lamp on your piano. AND, I love Leta's carpet. I think it's made by the company I work for. Very smart choice :) She's bound to be the chicest girl in Utah.

I don't have any advice, except don't worry about it. My daughter has a problem with UTIs and urinary reflux, so we dealt with some of the same issues. Luckily, she didn't have the added bonus of constipation and we were able to get her trained just before her 3rd birthday (although I know some of it had to do with the nearing vacation - Disney - and the perfect bribe...er...reward - the princesses). But my son was 4 before he was trained. He was able to do it, was not afraid, but just chose not to. No amount of begging, pleading, psychology, threatening or bribery would change his mind. I was afraid he'd be going to school in diapers and then one day he just started on the potty. He's a perfectly normal well, adjusted 10 year old now, so don't worry one bit about Leta. And don't let the assholes get you down.

Oh the poor little girl.

Leta, a force of nature? Surely the mother of this child and the daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader is also a force of nature herself. Same goes for Jon. So. I think at this point a large-scale potty-training propaganda campaign is in order.

For oh, about a week or so, you and Jon should sport some stylish adult diapers. This may result in embarrassment and misery for the both of you. If so, don't hold back. Whine and moan and scream and writhe on the floor as signs of your diaper-wearing discontent. Complain that diapers are horrible, and that you are dying to go to the bathroom on the toilet. Rush to the toilet and pee/poop, exclaiming LOUDLY how wonderful it is to pee/poop, especially ON THE TOILET. Your neighbors might get suspicious of the noise coming from your house, so you might tell them that Leta's decided she wants to be a WWE wrestler and you're starting her training early.

Anyway, if this strategy is successful in winning the War on Toilet Terror, let me know so I can pay off my student loans by writing a book: "Potty Training: Scaring the Shit out of Them." :)

Oh, and I guess I should specify that I'm being (sort of?) sarcastic in case that's not clear!

Leta's fear of going to the loo I can empathsize with! When I was five years old, I contracted hepatitis, from the school toilets I was told. I believed it. For the next thirteen years I never drank during the day and never again used a school toilet.

If you can, make Leta drink lots of fluids. Lots more than she usually does. A glass of water an hour!

Constipation can be caused by dehydration and if she has stopped going to to toilet all day, then that means she is not drinking enough and that will probably just make the constipation worse than it already was!

The lady who sent you the email must be one of those Le Leche fanatics, in which case everything you have done or are yet to do, is wrong.

The way I see it, if my kids are walking, talking and leaving their leavings within two feet of a toilet or pull-up by the time they start kindergarten, then they are doing okay. Many mothers I've met can't help bragging about lame things that don't matter, like their kids being potty trained at the age of two. From my experience, just as many kids who "develop early" are just as likely to be rotten snotnosed punks as the kids from any other category.

I would imagine you have tried increasing the fiber intake with Leta. I know that things get moving when I eat a whole cantelope in one sitting. But we tried giving our toddler prune juice once and the activity down below seemed to be the equivalent of putting an M-80 explosive between the boys cheeks. As far as I know, there is NO MEDIUM SETTING for prune juice, so I don't recommend it.

And I don't want to add to your worries but I think you should be aware of the high tendency of people in gnome shoes to be sucked in and shredded up by commercial escalators. Apparently, the shoes look delicious from the perspective of moving stairs. When you are on an escalator, I would recommend giving gnome-foot upsies for the safety of his/her little piggies.

I feel your pain. My daughter will be 3 in June and we've just begun the potty training process. We're doing it at her pace, which is mostly the "practically never" pace. It's frustrating, but it just is what it is. The process may take longer because of Leta's fears now (bless her sweet little heart), but it will happen. Just give yourselves a break and take your time. I know she holds it, but maybe try those those thick, cottony style training undies during the day when you're home. If she does go during the day, she'll feel it more than in a regular diaper or pull-up ... then she'll know that it doesn't always hurt when she tinkles and you'll be able to reinforce that it's okay.

Just a thought. Although, we are currently in the stage where we battle her from taking the ring off the toilet after sitting to tinkle or poop and taking it with her wherever she goes in the house ... so what do I know.

p.s. I love that your house is so neat. I'm very jealous. I regularly give myself anxiety attacks over my dirty house.

Whoever Catherine is, she sounds like a real, well I probably shouldn't say it, so I won't. I don't have any advice, except to say you know Leta best, and you know what's best for her. My daughter is two, and I've found that you can read all the potty training books you can get your hands on, but if they aren't ready, they aren't ready. She is completely uninterested in potty training to the point of resisting it, last year I tried leaving her diaper off so she could see herself pee, well she got hysterical when she did, to the point it took two weeks until we could even take her clothes off for a bath without her freaking out. She's not ready and I'm not going to make the two of us miserable making her try, though I was hoping she might be potty trained before her baby brother or sister is born next week, but it's not the end of the world that she isn't...my MIL thought she should be, they will be taking care of her when we go to the hospital, she doesn't like changing diapers, in fact she never has changed my daughter at all, well she's just going to have to deal with it, or FIL, I don't care as long as someone changes her diaper while I'm gone! I'm sure that Leta will potty train too when she is ready, and I'm sorry you had to go through so much trauma having to have her catheterised. UTIs are not fun.

Also I really loved what you did with your house, I don't like clutter either, guess Catherine wouldn't like my house either, not that she will ever be invited over or anything.

The lady who sent you the email must be one of those Le Leche fanatics, in which case everything you have done or are yet to do, is wrong.

The way I see it, if my kids are walking, talking and leaving their leavings within two feet of a toilet or pull-up by the time they start kindergarten, then they are doing okay. Many mothers I've met can't help bragging about lame things that don't matter, like their kids being potty trained at the age of two. From my experience, just as many kids who "develop early" are just as likely to be rotten snotnosed punks as the kids from any other category.

I would imagine you have tried increasing the fiber intake with Leta. I know that things get moving when I eat a whole cantelope in one sitting. But we tried giving our toddler prune juice once and the activity down below seemed to be the equivalent of putting an M-80 explosive between the boys cheeks. As far as I know, there is NO MEDIUM SETTING for prune juice, so I don't recommend it.

And I don't want to add to your worries but I think you should be aware of the high tendency of people in gnome shoes to be sucked in and shredded up by commercial escalators. Apparently, the shoes look delicious from the perspective of moving stairs. When you are on an escalator, I would recommend giving gnome-foot upsies for the safety of his/her little piggies.

Oh Heather, I can't believe people like that! Apparently she thinks she knows everything, but if she did, she would know that experts say that children should be potty trained when they are ready. And, they will, at their own speed. My daughter showed interest, but didn't really want to try it herself until she was three. And longer for poopie. She had been potty trained for pee pee for many months, but would still go get a pullup and put it on to poopie. Now, at five, we thankfully have been done with pullups for a while, but there is no need to rush these babies! They will do things at their own pace, and there is no right or wrong age for these types of milestones. That woman is just a bitch, and it just kills me that people are so judgemental.

I love your site, I am a long time reader. Keep up the great work with the site, and with that precious baby.

Just thought of something else, maybe a dumb question. . . Why did the doctor insist on testing for diabetes via a urine sample right away, if it seemed apparent that Leta had a UTI? As much as it hurts to pee under those conditions, I bet getting catheterized would feel somewhat like getting speared in the delicates with a red-hot poker. I guess I'm just kind of surprised that he couldn't get Leta started on antibiotics, or at least maybe give her something for the pain, and THEN get the urine sample, when it might not be such a traumatic experience for her.

But I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV.

Hi Heather,

My daughter had the same problem - not with peeing but with encropesis when she was 5. I know exactly what you mean about watching her battle her body! I kept hoping it would right itself but it only got worse and worse. She actually went almost 2 weeks without pooping at the worst. And then I got serious. We never did an enema but I used suppositories. And laxative tea. She loves drinking tea. I think it was the hate of the suppositories that got her pooping again. And the laxative tea helped to clean out her very impacted colon. The only way I would not use a suppository was if she pooped that day. It has been 5 months now and we are pooping regularly everyday with no suppositories or laxative teas. Good luck! And I feel for you!

i'm not a mom, but i know the cardinal rule of motherhood: thou shalt not criticize other moms (unless they're like, beating their kids with spiked garden implements or something) because it is HARD being a mom, and everyone has to do it their own way.

tell leta that i peed my pants laughing over "hot rotten vegetable fart," so she's not alone.

and hang in there. you and jon are the only people who know what's best for leta.

You're a good mama to Leta, and your house is beautiful and warm-looking.
I know you know that, but it's nice to hear sometimes. Leta is lucky to have you and Jon as parents.

Oh my gosh, Heather: reading about Leta's struggles brings me back to when I was a little girl, and I battled horrible, chronic UTIs until about age 4 when, thankfully, I seemed to grow out of the problem. Probably not surprisingly, I, too, was a little on the late side when it came to being toilet trained, which I have no doubt was related to all the difficulties I had in that department. And, I know it's hard to believe, but, despite having been a devoted diaper-ee well into toddlerhood I've actually managed to become a vibrant and productive member of society...I'm sure that mother who emailed you would be shocked to hear that, but I can assure you it's true! Particularly as someone who isn't a mother yet, I'm pretty annoyed at the tone of her email...you'd think, being a mother herself, she'd have figured out by now that all kids develop differently and at their very own speed...and I'm sure Leta will, too. I just wish for both of you that her bathroom troubles weren't causing her so much discomfort: I'm sure it's one of the toughest things to know what that pain is like (as all of us who've had a UTI or ever been constipated know!) and then trying like the dickens to comfort her... Hang in there: it's bound to get better!

Mmm, I was thinking maybe some positive reinforcement? What food/candy/(gasp)licorice does Leta like best? Every time she poops or pees - stuff her full of it. Shameless bribery? Fuck yes! Whatever works to make her mindset a little less stressed about the whole thing.

Regardless of what you do, I know you will accomplish it with the same humor and skill that you show us daily. Lucky Leta.

Have you tried having reading "pow wows" in the bathroom? Instead of always reading on the couch, move to the bathroom for a few minutes a day. It will be something new but she is still doing things she likes while not feeling pressured. It worked with moving the toys onto your bed.

It may not work right away, but she may become more comfortable with the bathroom. She may even get to the point where she may have to read to go. Let's just hope you have 2 bathrooms, one bathroom for you and Jon and one for Leta to take 30 minutes to go!

Heather, I admire your strength as you, Jon and Leta deal with her problem. I was exactly like Leta as a child - I was basically constipated, going never more than once a week, for the first 25 years of my life. I am honestly not sure I would know what to do if my child was dealing with what I dealt with for so long - another of the building reasons that makes me fear my maternal instinct. I can't pass along all my weirdness to another generation!

You are strong and brave. I wish I had a solution, but maybe modern medicine has a better grasp on the issue than when I was young. My doctor told my mom that I was just too busy playing to stop and "try to go." But I wasn't going in my diaper or anywhere. I just held it. I actually don't know how they potty trained me - I'll have to ask my mom!

The only thing that has helped me overcome the problem, now that I am in my twenties, is magnesium - I take 1200 mg a day and hope to poop every other day or so. But I couldn't tell you what a safe dose would be for a child, nor do I have a clue if it would work for little Leta. And also, I know you hate advice ;-)

I wish you luck and hope that knowing you are not alone in this struggle will help you get through it. You've got lots of love and positive pooping (and peeing!) vibes coming from me (and many others)!

I feel your pain. My daughter will be 3 in June and we've just begun the potty training process. We're doing it at her pace, which is mostly the "practically never" pace. It's frustrating, but it just is what it is. The process may take longer because of Leta's fears now (bless her sweet little heart), but it will happen. Just give yourselves a break and take your time. I know she holds it, but maybe try those those thick, cottony style training undies during the day when you're home. If she does go during the day, she'll feel it more than in a regular diaper or pull-up ... then she'll know that it doesn't always hurt when she tinkles and you'll be able to reinforce that it's okay.

Just a thought. Although, we are currently in the stage where we battle her from taking the ring off the toilet after sitting to tinkle or poop and taking it with her wherever she goes in the house ... so what do I know.

p.s. I love that your house is so neat. I'm very jealous. I regularly give myself anxiety attacks over my dirty house.

I have two kids ages 2 and 5. I remember vividly after I had them (through my bunky, not c-sec) how terrified I was to pee and poop because it hurt so bad. Both times I lied to my doctor and nurses that I had pooped in the hospital because they wouldn't let me go home until I had. I knew holding it in would make it worse when it eventually had to come out, but I did it anyway because of the pain. THE PAIN. And I am a perfectly rational, level-headed, non-liar usually--unlike most 3 year olds. Did I finally get over the trauma and start pooping and peeing when the urge strikes? Yes, I did. And so will Leta. Especially because she has parents who love her and support her and don't criticize or judge her.

I love love love your home. It looks incredibly peaceful to me.

The lady who sent you the email must be one of those Le Leche fanatics, in which case everything you have done or are yet to do, is wrong.

The way I see it, if my kids are walking, talking and leaving their leavings within two feet of a toilet or pull-up by the time they start kindergarten, then they are doing okay. Many mothers I've met can't help bragging about lame things that don't matter, like their kids being potty trained at the age of two. From my experience, just as many kids who "develop early" are just as likely to be rotten snotnosed punks as the kids from any other category.

I would imagine you have tried increasing the fiber intake with Leta. I know that things get moving when I eat a whole cantelope in one sitting. But we tried giving our toddler prune juice once and the activity down below seemed to be the equivalent of putting an M-80 explosive between the boys cheeks. As far as I know, there is NO MEDIUM SETTING for prune juice, so I don't recommend it.

And I don't want to add to your worries but I think you should be aware of the high tendency of people in gnome shoes to be sucked in and shredded up by commercial escalators. Apparently, the shoes look delicious from the perspective of moving stairs. When you are on an escalator, I would recommend giving gnome-foot upsies for the safety of his/her little piggies.

Heather, I am amazed at how judgemental and ignorant people are. My daughter had constipation issues (not as severe as Leta's from the sounds of it) and I didn't potty train her until she was 3. She pooped in diapers till she was four. You need to follow the signals that Leta is giving you, and there is no one in better position to do that than you. You know what you are doing.

I'm so farking annoyed! My oldest son was potty trained after the age of three. My youngest son was potty trained very close to his third birthday. My boys are beautiful and brilliant, and simply weren't ready sooner. Unlike Asserine, I didn't feel the need to PUSH them toward it until they showed a natural interest.

As for your home. I think it's beautiful. I think the way you have opened so much of your life for us is touching and wonderful. I appreciate your lack of "wolf baying at the moon" and "horse galloping through surf" tapestries.

Argh, ugh, and spit on Asserine. We love you, woman.

My son had similar issues during the whole potty training thing. It was a nightmare and I was riddled with that already rampant mommy guilt that's inherent in our gender. My daughter (2nd child) was a breeze to potty train. They're all different. You're the mom, you know what's right for Leta. With your encouragement it'll work itself out.

For what it's worth, I'd love to have your pathologically neat home...I'm a slob (I think it's in my DNA).

I think after 185 comments, you've probably heard all you need to. I'll just say though that my daughter had this sort of constipation that required enemas from the time she was 6 months to 18 months. That was a painful year watching her agonize every time it was "time." She's 13 now and over the years has continued to have problems, although it's rare now. You're doing fine. You just happen to be in a position where strangers are going to give you all their glorious critiques and advice and make you feel like shit, and you will try not to let it affect you....but that's hard to do. Hang in there. Love your site, love the personal details you share. You really lift my spirits.

Holy shit. I really hate potty training Nazis.

I never filled out a University application that asked me when I was potty trained.

No one ever asked me in a job interview, "So, Paula, at what age did you learn to poop and pee in a toilet?"

I've never had a friend or lover who asked, or even cared to ask.

It obviously doesn't make a damn bit of difference in one's life at what age a person learns to use the toilet.

It's better not to force Leta, and have a big fight. Do what's right for her.

Pfffft! to all the toilet learning know-it-alls.

The server is acting up... We'll try to fix it and turn the comments back on.

Wow, thanks for the reminder that, no matter how well we think we might be doing at keeping our heads above water, there's always some asswipe out there more than ready and willing to make us feel like shit about ourselves. I mean, as a mom to a toddler myself, I'm accustomed to unsolicited advice and judgment from anonymous strangers, but at least I'm not getting EMAIL from them. Shit, that must fucking suck.

I'm so sorry for Leta's troubles, and I'm sorry for you and your husband, too. I can imagine all too well how harrowing that hospital experience was for you. My little guy had to have a spinal tap when he was four months old and a sudden 104-degree fever had doctors worried he might have meningitis. It remains the most terrible thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.

Poor baby (her). Poor baby (you). And poor baby (Jon).

Constipation seems to be one of those sneak-behind-the-school-and-giggle-and-snort-topics, much like sex to a prepubescent. Everybody has had it. Everybody has been yanked short by it. But to have it day in and day out, like you and Leta. That’s just not funny. Unlike, of course, sex.

I find that since I went the almost vegetarian route - lots of veg, lots of water, bring on the flax seed and fiber - all tummy aches and bathroom issues disappeared (excluding a paint-peeling bout of wind while you get used to the new diet), but, obviously, if it was this simple for you and Leta, you would have done it.

So I have no suggestions. Just an imagination. And I can imagine how to-the-core painful it is for you to see Leta in such pain. So I’ll do what any sane person will do. I think I’ll blog about it. Then I'll sneak behind the school and giggle and snort about sex.

I think your HOME is BEAUTIFUL! I believe, like me, you choose to decorate with things that actually mean something to you and not just the latest chotchky (sp?) that you thought was cute.

Oh my, poor Leta. YOU ARE GREAT MOTHER! And, someday Leta will be a great pooper and urinator. Did I just type that?

Okay, first off: Just what is so sterile about natural wood, neutral colors, and living plants? That sounds pretty darn cozy to me. A place doesn't have to be messy to be homey.

Second: Ditto to all of the rest of y'all. Nobody knows what's best for your child better than YOU do.

I realize I may get blasted by the more conservative readers that seem to lurk, but have you ever tried leaving the door open when you're using the bathroom so Leta can see that it IS possible to "go to the bathroom" without being in pain? Maybe even talking to her while you're going will help her get more comfortable and less frightened.

It's quite clear that bathroom issues run in your family, as they do in mine, and if I'm correct, *you* managed to be potty trained, so it obviously will happen eventually. Don't freak out. Some kids take longer. You're lucky, she could be ugly and stupid. Instead, she just likes to hold it in. :) She'll figure it out.

Heather, I've been reading your site forever, and have never commented, but this "crosses the line" for me.

Without sharing TMI, I will say that I've suffered from similar problems as Leta. I've had chronic UTI's and bladder infections (and kidney infections) since I was a toddler. I know the anxiety and fear that comes with it. For me, something really key has been bathing with baking soda in lukewarm water. It helps keep things clean. And gross as it may sound, if Leta is experiencing pain, peeing in the bathtub just before draining the water may help (and, if she likes the bath, it may help her anxiety, also...just a thought).

As far as potty training goes, I was a nanny to twin boys during their blessed process. One learned in a week; the other wasn't potty trained until age 4. He's happy, healthy and normal. Don't push it.

You're doin' great, Heather. And most importantly, your love for Leta is so evident. Keep it up.

Screw that lady. Your house is GORGEOUS, and you yourself said that these were post-cleansing and John wouldn't allow the "before" pictures... And as for Leta, I can't imagine how awful and difficult that must be for all of you to deal with. I hope that she starts to feel better about the whole thing soon, and in the meantime, YOU are her mother, you know her better than anyone, and you are making the right and best choices for her. Fuck what anyone else thinks. She will potty-train when she is ready, and not a moment sooner, and forcing a kid to potty-train will backfire and just make things awful, even for a child who doesn't already have bathroom issues. This is, anyway, a long-winded way of saying I think you're doing pretty fucking fine on your own without Ms. Perfect Mommy's help.

I cannot believe one mother would send such an ignorant, hurtful and petty e-mail to another mother. I feel sorry for her children. And her husband.

I read the book "Toilet Training in One Day" by Nathan Azrin to potty train my kids - boy and girl. It's an older book but it worked! I didn't follow it exactly, just used the basic principle that most parents resort to anyway: BRIBE THEM! You and Jon are great parents and will know when she's ready. Actually, Leta's smarter and she'll tell you when she's ready.

I don't have kids myself, but I do know that my niece, who will be four in April, is not potty trained. My sister has tried everything and Kyra is just not interested. She knows when she has to go, and will even announce it, but she simply refuses to go on the potty. I think that every child is different and that potty training isn't something that you can force on a child.

But I don't have kids, so what do I know?!

Also, I think that your home is beautiful, and when I saw the pictures I thought that I wish my house looked half as nice.

I hope things get better for Leta, I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been for you and Jon.

First of all, fuck that Catherine witch and the horse she rode in on....and all the judgmental fuckety-fuck fucking fuckheads that are associated with her or even closely resemble her distant relatives.

You and Jon know Leta best, besides Leta, and until Leta is of a certain age (like 45), only YOU and Jon can decide what is best for her. We don't know her idiosyncracies, what scares her, what she loves, what makes her laugh, except what you choose to share.

You have the guts to be so brave and candid on your blog and share a little bit of your family life with the general public, and I applaud you. Yours is one of the blogs I read whenever it is updated. You are real and don't post all these posed pictures of you showing how gorgeous you look. Whatever you post (words or pics) are natural and not contrived. While some blogs might be good, yours is one of the ones that is real and filled with soul.

What Catherine didn't mention is she uses a tazer gun to potty train her children, and whilst they might indeed be potty trained (I doubt it, though), they probably have facial tics and will grow up to be the Unabomber after several decades of therapy which won't help anyway. They might wear the latest designer clothes but are afraid to wrinkle them. They might play in Gymboree but get sanitized afterward. They probably don't share cups or straws with each other, and don't crawl into bed with mom and dad. Shoot, mom and dad probably don't have sex anymore, or if they do, it's only on the third Friday of every odd month. And then only in the missionary position.

I am sorry that Leta is having potty issues. I know that it's difficult as an adult, when you can understand and read, so I can only imagine that she's terrified of all of this. And you and Jon must feel so helpless. I pray to the gods/God that you all get through this relatively soon and most of all unscathed and that you will some day be able to say, "Pshaw, that was so nothing."

We all seem to take for granted the simplest things -- like breathing, going to the bathroom, all of this kind of stuff -- until we can't do these things anymore.

Getting back to that batty old bitch who obviously needs a good enema herself: Catherine, this is for you. Take a good look in the mirror, bitch, because that bitter judgment you pass on other people, if it doesn't show on your face yet, if karma doesn't bite you soon, it will. Oh, honey, it will, and in a big way. You've got so much acid flowing through your veins that there's no chance that anything beautiful could ever be inside or come from you. I feel sorry for your children. I think you need to work on yourself instead of judging someone else's life, decor, child-rearing abilities, etc. Maybe a two good years of chronic marijuana use would chill you out a bit. Or a lobotomy. The lobotomy would probably work better. Or, better yet, you could live on Mars. The world would be a better place without you or your kind in it.

Reading that post just tore me up inside. Why people feel compelled to be all self righteous is beyond me. Ms. Catherine has a long road ahead of her as a parent. As a Mom of three girls (17, 14, and 9 years old), the best advice that was given to me (in regards to potty training worries) was from our pediatrician at the time who said "Don't stress it; by the time they begin Kindergarten, they are all potty trained." It will happen when Leta is ready. You're a good Mom (you know that!). Best wishes :o)

p.s. You and your subjects always look gorgeous in the posted pics. What I meant was, it's always a natural thing -- it's not posed.

p.p.s. I hope you feel the love and humanity coming from your readership. It's awesome. You deserve it. We all do (except Catherine -- she's used up all her tokens).

I am so sorry that there are nasty, horrid people in this world. Don't listen to them. My son is 3 and half and is not potty trained after several vain attempts. He also is on the child laxative because of constipation and has been catheterized because of UTI's. And the Dr's aren't much better with their, "If he isn't potty trained the next time we see him, then we'll have to put him under general anesthesia and give him an MRI to see if his problem is neurological." COME ON! Every kid is ready when they're ready. Don't listen to the nasty people.

For pitys sakes. It's SO easy to sit on the other side of the screen and judge other people. I learned about three kids ago that people that say crap like you received usually have absolutely no clue! Leta won't be wearing diapers in college. In the meantime, you must be frustrated all to hell. Hang in there - one day it will come to an end. I know, how trite! How cliche! I feel for ya. Kid struggles are hard, especially when you don't know what the right thing to do is.

It's not that you have NO style, you just don't have HER style. And I'm sure you thank God for that every day.

Ditto to all the comments above that say Leta will potty train when she's ready.

My older child was pushed into early training (before two) by a sitter and had "issues" for years. The other, I let choose her time. She fully "trained" in no time. At much closer to three. Because, of course, I didn't "train" her at all. When her body reached a maturity level that allowed her to toilet like a big kid - she did. And Leta will, too. But you know this already.

Heather, DO please keep us posted on how you are doing with implementing all of those specific, constructive suggestions Catherine gave you in her note. I think I might employ some of them myself, and I don't even have children. I continue to marvel at the kindness of strangers like Catherine who take time out of their days to send e-mails with advice and helpful hints on how we can improve our lives -- especially when we haven't asked! How lucky we are to have such folks looking out for us.

I AM sorry about what poor Leta is going through. I'm sorry I have no advice or empathy, just lots of sympathy and sending good wishes. This too shall pass. As for your house, I think it's beautiful, but seeing as how I don't have to live in it, my opinion counts for nada. IMHO.

Anybody who says potty training is easy never had a stubborn child. Me? I was blessed with two of them. Back-to-back. Sandwiched between two easy ones. The first one I say was deceptively easy. The next two left me in tears for a very long time.

As a counselor-in-training, I can tell you there are well-qualified practitioners who specialize in childhood anxiety management. Leta is obviously incredibly intelligent to connect those events in the way she has. And because she learned that so quickly I absolutely believe she can quickly learn something to replace this new behavior. She'll take her cues from you guys, though. Kids read and absorb the behavior they're modeled so the more relaxed you guys are (and I know it isn't easy), the better. Three years old is the average age most parents are successful in training. Most kids at two years old don't even have the nerve development to control it.

Don't let the freakish mothers get you down. Parenting isn't a competition.

hi heather. the first part of this post made me think of a great book i'm reading right now called The Four Agreements. the second agreement is the one i have the most trouble with. its called 'don't take anything personally'. like for instance, i live in LA, and when someone honks at me it makes me want to rip out their fingernails and then i get all upset and cantankerous and defensive and my heart rate gets all elevated and i get this blood lust for revenge. but if i just stop and think about it, that person isn't really mad at me, their mad at their own shit hole life.

so that's what i thought of when i read wee catherine's diatribe on your suckiness. she obviously has some serious personal issues and is being kind enough to take them out on you. so don't listen to that shit. you are perfect, even in the midst of seeming imperfections. and i appreciate you. for really real.

Seriously, anyone who has small children and the time to write and castigate others is not worth your time.

And the thing about potty training is that it will happen. No one goes to the prom in a diaper or with their binky in their mouth. And if you work from that principle, so many other battles of parenting just seem to melt away. When L is ready, she will do her business on the potty. Until then she won't. Simple and maddening.

And your home is most beautiful and looks to me like a place where real people, happy people live.

Oh Heather and Jon - I got nothing but hopes and prayers for all of you. In this very moment it doesn't do to say "this too shall pass", but honest to God it will.

Hugs from Boston to all of you and Chuck too,
-Lori

VERY late to the game, but:

A very similar chain of events happened to me. I used to have HORRIBLE constipation when I was a child. My poor mother tried everything: Ex-Lax, Metamucil (just typing that horrible word makes me shiver), prune juice, et very, very c. I also managed to get some kind of nasty UTI but I have no idea how that worked out. I am pretty sure no catheter was involved.

Punchline: I survived. We all did. And my mom, of course, didn't have a blog, so there was no need to tell any moron commenter to go choke on her own self-importance and die. Sheesh.

Oh my goodness. I feel for all of you.

My daughter is finally potty trained which took nearly a year. We let her dictate how it would go. She would go pee like nobody's business but held in the poos also. Holding them in made the poos that much more difficult to pass by the time they absolutely had to come out. It was torture.

One time she screamed for a diaper and I had to fake her out. I told her to sit on the potty while I looked for one. My husband comforted her while something the size and density of a redwood tree worked it's way out. We celebrated around that log, as you would any raging campfire. After giving birth in the toilet and realizing it probably couldn't get any worse than that, she did much better from there on out.

For a long time after that I put FLAXSEED oil(pardon the caps, I want this to stand out incase you only gloss over these :-) ) in alot of her food. That worked to keep her poos loose without the potential side effects of a laxative. Worked like a charm.

Best of luck and may this only feel like a blip in time soon!

I've been reading for about a year now and this is my first comment. Great site, Heather... you are one talented woman.

As a mom of two (a 2-year-old girl and 3-year-old boy) - neither of which is potty-trained - all I can say is this: Did you ever hear of a first-grader not being potty trained? Neither did I. They'll get it eventually, when they're good and ready. No need in giving ourselves gray hair in the meantime.

The person who sent you that email was either a nut or a woman with way too much time on her hands. I'm not sure what she thought she was accomplishing by insulting you? What a sicko.

Catherine sure is cranky. And judgemental.

My second child's potty training is fondly referred to as "our long national nightmare." It was one of the worst experiences of parenthood. But somehow we all came through it, she only has a slight tic and a flinch when I say "poop." But then she is 13, it's only been 10 years, it could still take some healing.

All joking aside, it sucked, but somehow it worked.

Delurking here, as I'm finally un-lazy enough to not just email you!

a) love your house, screw both Ms. Uppity and a commenter, Seth. They need to get real.

b) loving what you have shared about yourself and your family. Anyone who reads you posts and calls you "sterile" uses a dictionary I'm unfamiliar with. Freak.

c) ok on the poo thing: not a mom. Have, however, babysat for over 20 years all sorts of fun and scary kids, all pretty cool really, in their own way. A few constipators...including myself at one time or another.
What have I seen and discovered? Well, understanding a bit of physiology--I would suggest to the desperate mom to try some easy things from an outside non-doc here. 1) try your damndest to decrease sugar, as the side effects are huge including constipation 2) mebbee get Leta allergy tested from a place like ImmunoLabs (ya, expensive, out of FL, but cool with what they can find and suggest. Your doc should know.) 3) what someone else said above with the add in juice like watered-down cranberry (non-sugary) or prune (it's tasty!). Just leave it out, unannounced, and sip from it. Be coy. Leta seems inquisitive and will maybe 'sneak' sips. 4) have a beer yourself. Well, if you can, about the whole thing. Duh, you have a lot of stress and the munchkin picks up on it. 5) hate numbered lists. sorry. 6) the less you do active "encouragement" and more just sticking to a time that food is always out, and the bathroom is always peed in, etc. the more maybe her body will work with you on a schedule.

As I said, my clue comes from knowing that if I drink enough water, like a LOT, and eat less sugar, avoid too much of the things I can't eat (like dairy and gluten) the more I can happily poo!

oh, and hey, enemas are a necessary evil sometimes. However. You are inadvertantly teaching the intestine that it doesn't need to work. Enemas, laxatives, finger-up-butt whatevers tend to desensitize the colon and it slows to decreases its activity. Lazy butt, exactly. You do what you know you need to do. But physical activity (like running around the room) + water + fiber work for me. I am sure my neighbors could share their amusement with you.

Keep up the love. I feel for you so I'm trying to help.
hugs

My sister-in-law told a story about my nephew who was still not potty trained when he went to the pediatrician for his 3rd birthday check-up. The doctor explained to him why he needed to start using the potty, and Jason folded his arms, looked the doctor in the eye and said, "I don't think so."

I'm not sure you'll get this far reading all of the comments, but I just wanted to offer my support for you and your family- as much as can be offered by a complete stranger on the internet anyway. You don't need anyone to tell you you're doing a good job as parents... just look at your daughter and the joy that she so obviously is to you both. Your proof is always there in front of you. Trust in yourself (ack, that sounds so new age huh?) For what it's worth- as a complete internet stranger... you're doing great! Best wishes to you all.

heather? you're a good mom.

Heather, I posted something on Jon's blog about pain, pooping (or peeing), and resistance to food or eating. Those things were all related when I suffered a "down there" trauma when I was a little girl. Don't freak out, people, it was a laceration from a cheap plastic baby pool (stepping out of it with my short legs) and completely unrelated to anything abuse-related. Anyway, I think it might be helpful to think about Leta's resistance to eating and her longtime constipation issues. Not that the eating resistance caused the constipation, but that the latter exacerbated the food issues. I hope that makes sense.

253. Woooo, dyslexia!!

With a laugh like Leta's who needs poop? Also, your house? It has inspired me to purchase a new lamp and a new coffee table. So Catherine can take her "personal style" and shove it.

I'm another one that's been reading for a long time. Great site. Love it. And I'm also a single mom, and my son was closer to four than three when he decided to use the potty. And that's without any issues with bodily functions. He just couldn't be bothered. I faced the questions and the people that give you the guilt trip when they find out he's not potty trained yet. But they don't deal with YOUR child day to day, and I can tell you, YOU are the best expert on your child. Leta's beautiful and smart. She'll get it when she's ready. You're doing a good job. We all just do the best we can. Thanks for the site, the laughs and the tears. Hugs to all you guys, furries and non furries.

hugs for leta. we've been through this, almost to the letter. if it makes you feel any better, she is (apparently) unscathed, and potty-trained. more hugs, this time for you and Jon.

Her remarks are stupid and ignorant, can't think of any other way to describe her letter.

I love your site!

Sounds like Catherine needs to take a huge crap. That poor woman.

Heather, you rock. Everything you share makes the paths we all travel everyday so much more bearable. I started reading your blog at a time when I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. The stories of your life and your humor about it all really pulled me up and out. Thank you.

I have nothing constructive to add other than that Catherine is totally insane. Your house is the awesome-o.

Good luck sorting out all the bathroom issues! Only you could cause me to willingly read about another human's intimate bodily functions. That's why I adore you.

I was in your exact same shoes about one and a half years ago with my then 2 and a half yr old daughter, (like many others I see here) but back then I was completely alone in it because every other kid I knew was going to the potty no problem. We did the glycolax, the mineral stuff, the pleading, the time outing, the sticker thing, nothing worked. We stopped worrying about it just cause we couldn't go on fighting over it all the time. I can see now in retrospective she was using this as a control issue for us, since she had a new brother. So the thing is.. it shall pass, she can't even remeber any of it now, hang in there... and good luck!

If it's any consoliation, Catherine has probably read your post and all the comments, and feel ridiculously guily and ashamed for her short-sighted judgement and self-righteousness.

And doesn't that make you just a little bit happy?!!

Oh, and for the exception of Catharine and her perfect child, we ALL have a good poop story.

If we weren't saving it up for 10 days, we were blowing it out like a salad shooter. It's very complex plumbing down there and its growing very fast with our bodies, so expect it to take some time to adjust!

one more thing.. a thing that helped my daughter want to "go" is when she understood why she was having BM, we drew her a little girl with intestines and all and explained why she needed to go potty, etc.. she understood what was going on and wasn't scared anymore, plus we weren't giving her any attention when she screamed she didn't wanted to go potty, we would just say, "ok, then dont go, it's fine" and then she would sneak to the other room and poop in her diaper..

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine how much this is stressing all three of you out. Know that you guys are in my thoughts.

As for the not using the bathroom, don't make a big deal out of it. Of course it is a big deal and it's easier said then done. But you encouraging her to go (especially if in the end you start to get frustrated) only makes her aware that its important to you. So not only is she controlling her bladder, but she knows that she has your attention. Plus it puts more pressure on her which only makes the situation worse.

I'm going to second the potty reading time. NOT as a means to potty train her, but to try to get her to pee. Sitting with her legs open will make it harder for her to hold it in. (Sometimes running the water helps) Just sit there and read to her and sing songs with her and do what ever else you would normally do with her sitting on the couch. Don't tell her she has to go potty, just that you're going to sit there for a little while. And when she does go, try not to make to big a deal out of it. Just a simple "great job Leta, you peed!" and keep reading. Maybe you could do this before bath time?

Will she drink cranberry juice? Does she like orange juice? Could you mix the two in the morning so she gets some cranberry juice? This will hopefully keep her infection fee, so that when she does start peeing there won't be any pain. Even if she won't take the juice, will she drink water? If not you could mix it with a little juice or buy her those flavored waters.
I'd keep her drinking as much as possible. Especially before you have her sit on the potty.

As for the no pooping is there another laxative you could try? Maybe a stronger dose? I'd stick with the advice already given in the comments, eliminate constipatory foods and increase those that help you go.

I wouldn't make a big deal of her going pee or poop in her diaper. It only increases the pressure she is putting on herself. I'd refrain from giving her attention (negative or positive) for preforming normal daily functions.

Try to keep her busy and distracted. Take her out take her for walks (okay maybe not in the January in Utah) but you could take her to the mall. Try not to let her sit and think about it. What about tickling her when you know that she has to go?

I'll agree with the poster who said let her go with you to the bathroom. It's not cool or fun but it might help. "look Leta mama has to pee, look Leta mama is peeing, hey a quick wipe and I'm all done, that was easy! Now lets go watch elmo"

As for potty training, then you should pack on the praise. I'm a big fan of sticker reward charts ( 1 week pee on the potty and you get to go to the dollar store, a month and it's a trip to toy r us or a new pair of clogs) or even simple candy bribes. Every time she goes she gets a piece of candy she normally wouldn't get multiple times a day. This works often, but first the child really needs to be comfortable peeing and pooping. I know you already know this but I'll say it anyway, don't worry about what others think or say about this. It's OKAY if Leta isn't potty trained until three 1/2 or four.

Wising you nothing but pee filled days!

Ah, the mommy nazis. So full of advice. So full of insight. So full of it. And I know bc I was raised by one. I had a mother who told me that as soon as her children could walk, she "made them" use the potty. My sister walked at 10 months. How, I asked her, did you ever make a 10 month old stop peeing and pooping in her diaper? Her reply: "I just wasn't having it." I shit you not, no pun intended. My sister wet the bed until she was a teen and had a host of other toilet related "compulsions" that would read like chapters from Freud's dissertation. I have no doubt that this was a result of the war-like tactics my mother used to potty train her.

Now, I was potty trained at an early age too. And, like my sister, I wet my bed until at least 4 or 5. And I also have a vivid memory of being in daycare at a very young age and being horrified at using a public toilet. In fact, this has been a constant theme throughout my life. In my opinion, you run the risk of cultivating these types of issues if you potty train when the child isn't ready. And not all two year olds are ready.

I have a daughter who is two and a half years old. Around her second birthday I bought her a potty. It's collecting dust in our bathroom. She's used it on occassion but I wouldn't say she's potty training yet. The other day whe went into her usual corner to poop and I said "Page, do you want to poop in your potty?" She looked at me and said "mommy, I'm not ready." End of story. She's not ready. I really couldn't care less if she's in diapers at 3, 4 or whatever. She will eventually use the freakin' toilet.

I get beyond annoyed at women like this Catherine character. Just so smug and convinced that they hold all the answers to something as complicated and extraordinary as raising a unique little human. The point to this rant is this: Leta will use the potty when she's ready and she'll be better for having transitioned in her own way, on her own schedule. And I think your house looks lovely.

stellar bit of knee-jerk intolerance. her little note speaks volumes. who knew a child's room could be so inflammatory.

and for you three, a happy, healthy, peaceful new year.

2¢ = children do not need psychedelic twirling stimuli. love and a good book seem to work well. if you do not have a book, i imagine love will do.

I get comments from mothers like that all the time, too... "She's 20 months old? My 6 month old is bigger than that! Maybe you should feed her McDonalds..." Ugh.

We haven't started potty training yet, but I can't tell you how many people have asked when we're going to start, including my own mother. She's only 20 months old! Jeez!

Plus, we also had constipation problems (mostly ok now, but not always) and in November an emergency room visit that involved the catheter to get a urine sample. David and I had to hold her down. I actually passed out from watching my daughter being tortured. I passed out against the wall (I was lodged between the wall and the gurney) so I just sort of drifted downwards, and then crawled to the nearest chair, sweating and shivering and feeling horribly guilty that I was slumped in a chair instead of holding my daughter's hand.

Anyway, you know this already, but don't listen to anyone but yourself and Leta and your husband.

PS - this is the ONLY blog about motherhood (or any other subject) that I read, and it's inspiring and funny and real... thank you!

At this point you've heard it all (all supportive), so I don't know that I have anything to add regarding the incredibly rude email you received, I'm sorry that it happened.

You have also gotten scads of comments regarding UTI's and parents with other toddlers who have terrible poo problems, so again, no new info here.

I think the only thing I might be able to add is an individual perspective. I haven't seen many comments from those who have personally experienced the kind of constipation that can be caused by will alone and not from some outside source; diet, disease, etc.

Many of the above suggestions have great merit, I especially like the flax seed suggestion (I like their taste), "Uncle Sam" makes a tasty cereal that, while really difficult to find, packs a whopping punch in the intestinal motivation department.

But I digress.

I am 33 and it's just been in the past 7 years that I've become comfortable enough with myself to poo with someone nearby, I'm even able to talk about said poo with relative aplomb. However, when I was younger I was terribly self-conscious with regard to my own functions. I could go days without a poop and unless I was really alone, I couldn't go even if I was desperate to. I don't know why but if someone interrupted my marathon visit to the toilet hoping to relax enough to go, it was all over. Especially if my dad pounded on the door demanding to know, "What the hell are you doing in there? Shit or get off the pot!".

Long story short, I was too self conscious to let go unless I was alone. I especially didn't want anyone to call attention to what needed to be done. It wasn't until I married my husband, who couldn't possibly be MORE open about his happiness with a good shit (color, quality, ew!) that I finally learned to get over it. People poo, they have to.

So, perhaps Leta needs less attention regarding bodily functions. I'm not a doctor, I know after several days without going she needs to be made to go, but perhaps not making an issue out of it at all could help. No pleading, no bribing, no star charts, no graphic displays of how fun it is to go regularly (just go in front of her but don't call attention to it). And especially, if she even remotely appears to be "in the mood" to go, let her be. Leave the room, let her have as much privacy as you can while still keeping her safe.

I don't know if that helps at all but that's my personal perspective, in no way endorsed by medical professionals.

Last, I wish life's asshats didn't have to bloat their own sense of superiority by attempting to smash down others.

Sorry this is so long.

Okay, so, first of all? That Catherine lady? I'll pray for her. 'Cause she's got some issues.

Second of all, don't worry about potty training Leta. She'll get to it when she's ready. I think making a deal out of it is the very last thing you would want to do. I know that if someone was constantly like "Candice! Do you want to go to the bathroom? COME ON, let's go PEE! LET'S POTTY ON THE BIG GIRL POTTY! LIKE BIGS GIRLS DO!", I would hold it in. Just because. I would be all, "You go pee, bitch." and then I would hold it until my bladder exploded. Especially I'd had a UTI in the recent past. 'Cause those are bad. It's like, the fiery depths of hell. In your pants.

So let her be. She'll get to it.

I know you do not know me, and I did not read all of these comments, but this sounds like my story as a kid. My mom is a nurse, and I was constipated forever. Then I got the UTI, blah, blah, blah. I grew out of all of it, and I am not traumatized by the experience at all. You are doing a great job, and things will happen in their time, and Leta will be OK. I am so sorry for you and your pain. It WILL get better...

I love how you took Catherine's oh so thoughtful e-mail and shoved this post up her ass. She needs a little constipation to set her straight.

First of all Heather, I want to thank you for sharing your life with us. I look forward to reading your posts and seeing what is going on in your world. I am sorry you have to deal with such idiots like Catherine who weren't taught how to interact with other people and respect others.

I don't have any children of my own, but I see my sister being judged by family and outsiders because her son who turned three in August isn't potty trained yet and still uses a pacifier when he sleeps, when he is sick, or when he has just had a major meltdown. My nephew tells us that his pacifier makes him feel better and I believe it really does. And for all those people that don't know his history by looking at him, it is easy for them to judge this big three and a half year old boy with a pacifier in his mouth. They don't know that he was born two months early and didn't even know how to suck when he was born. They don't know that it was an accomplishment for him to learn how to suck a pacifier while spending the first month of his precious life in the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) fighting to live and make it.

So people need to mind their own damn business when it comes to judging how you and Jon are doing raising Leta. You are her parents and you know her better than anyone else does. You can see the love and bond that you guys have with each other through your posts, videos, and pictures.

And personally, I think that having a child who feels loved is much more imporant than the timing of various things like potty training or giving up pacifiers.

And one last thing, I loved the pictures of your house. I think you have a good eye for design. Don't worry about shallow people that think things have to be their way or it isn't any good. Catherine obviously hasn't been exposed to much in her poor littled boxed in life.

Keep your chin up Heather. You are a great mom and Leta is a very lucky girl.

Ask Dr. Stool...I mean Dr. Stoll: http://askwaltstollmd.com/cons.html
Always look for the naturopathic solution! And perhaps Catherine could use a spoonful of mineral oil as well...

And here I went on an organizing binge because I was inspired by Leta's room. I wish I had emailed you to tell you but, well, it seemed a little silly.

I'm so sorry Leta is having all these issues. You are doing a great job trying to work through them all. Stupid doctors should just have given her the antibiotics.

Can you try to make positive associations to replace the negative ones she has? Stickers seem old hat to her but body glitter, fingernail paint, something like that when she let's go and pees/poops?