Heather, I'm so sorry that you're having these difficulties with Leta - and I'm even more sorry that SHE'S having this problem.
Unfortunately, I have absolutely no solutions for you, as I'm childfree for the duration.

However, my heart goes out to you and yours.

You are not doing anything wrong. In fact, you are doing everything right. Screw that mean mother. Be glad you are not like her.

If my child was having problems like that, I would probably drink lots of liquid myself, and then pee in front of her, smiling while I do it. Kind of make a game out of it. Show her that peeing doesn't hurt...rather that it's fun. I know...the things we do for our kids, huh?

Hugs to you both.

God knows I'm no one to offer advice. We've been trying to potty train our daughter for over a year. And it's not that she's not willing or that we're forcing it on her. We're more of the "go with the flow" type people too, but it's just taking FOREVER.

What do the Dr's say you can do to help her out?

Heather, I didn't rush to potty train my son and I did not even have half the excellent reasons you have to wait. My son is 15, an A student at a top prep school, a delightful kid all around. I feel letting him train when we were both ready and willing to do it certainly hasn't harmed him in the least. I am so tired of potty training, walking, talking, etc. as a competitive sport among moms.

PS I am an Interior Decorator and I love your home.

My son, who is now five, was equally good at stopping his bodily need to have a BM. I totally know what you are going through and you are quite right, Leta going in her diaper is celebration worthy.

I can't believe that someone would actually say those things to you!

By the way, we switched my son to soy milk 'cause it was dairy that was bunging him up. Poop problem solved. Unfortunately he had to get over the fear which took a long time.

Happy thoughts to all of you:-)

That is absolutely awful - poor Leta, and yourself and Jon must have found that so traumatic as well. I dont have children of my own but I work with children with special needs who would sometimes have similar toilet issues as Leta - we have a book called "Everybody Poos"!!! which we read to them when they are having problems - its a great way to start a conversation about how its ok to poo etc - you may have already heard of it but I thought it was worth the effort of joining to post a comment!
Ive been reading your site for ages now and I absolutely love it - have laughed out loud in public librarys and Starbucks while reading it!

Ps - i feel sorry for Catherine's kids - as they grow up, they will continually fail to meet her exact standards and become adults with little or no self esteem.

My helpful commentary? Don't worry about potty training. My son turned three over 2 weeks ago and is not potty trained. And I don't even have any excuses like you do. He will happily sit on the potty and read a magazine (just like daddy, aw) and pee, but I am too lazy to go full force with it. So, meh. It'll happen before kindergarten, I'm sure.

Heather,
I went through the same thing with 2 of my children, the other 2 love to poop wherever (sigh). I went through all of the recommended bran diets, senokot laxatives, prunes until they couldn't stand it anymore, etc. Both of my children overcame this problem in their own time, which was about the same time that I stopped being neurotic about it (hmmmm).
I am sorry for what you are going through, but you cannot take it personally when somebody imposes their thoughts on you. Sometimes people just feel the need to spew...and you have given them a great public forum to do just that! Love Leta all up and she will be fine!

My 4 year old son will hold his poop in for a couple of days. I've literally had to strip him down give him an enima and rub his tummy while he lay on a drash bag. So aweful.

She'll get it in time. My son was 3.5 before he got it. I think the best advice is to let her be around other children for long periods of time at regular intervals. My son didn't want to look like a baby to his frinds. I know it's peer pressure but in a good way. Try daycare a couple of times a week for a few hours. Or friends her age.

I'm rooting for you. Poor Leta--Poor mom and dad! Man. Best wishes.

Please... the statistics LIE when it comes 2 the individual. You're doing what is best 4 your child. Soon, she will forget the pain & she'll potty train. The trauma can be worked out a number of ways, but the way you seem fit is the best for now, for LETA and for YOU.

Critics be damned. Oprah said it, and u know that's gospel.

Thanks 4 sharing.

First of all, Catherine can bite me. And that's the nicest thing I can say about her.

Second, my heart goes out to you, because I've been there with a constipated kid. Mine is almost 6 and he still asks for jelly beans after he poops because it's such a chore for him, and I give them to him happily, because at least he's pooping. He's not being difficult or defiant or evil (as has often been suggested to us by non-judgemental parents like sweet Catherine), he's just scared to poop, because it hurts like hell. And that's with a laxative every night. No fun for anyone.

As for the potty training, you're right, and you're right because you're her mother. She's not ready. You'll know when she is. I tried just about every three months after my son's second birthday and tried it all...nothing worked until he was ready. And when he finally *was* ready? It was like someone had flipped a switch. Incidentally, he wasn't ready until a couple of months before his fourth birthday, which I doubt is something that will ever come up on a job application, so I think we did o.k. It's not a competition and she won't go to the prom in a pull-up. Hang in there and trust your guts.

First, what you have shown us readers of your home is beautiful. Catherine can take a f**king hike. I hate jealousy. Its a thing called taste, preference, style. To each there own.

Second - I don't have children, just a dog and nieces and nephews. I was a child though. And I had major bladder problems until the 5th grade. My mother decided to try to embarass me into bladder control. It had no effect other than wetting my pants in front of my friends. You are absolutely right to be happy that she will pee in a diaper. All good things in all good time.

I have absolutely no idea if this is good advice, as I am childless myself. Also, I know there are lots of theories and opinions about potty training, and what I'm about to suggest probably violates a whole lot of "rules." But, what if you tried to sell going on the toilet as the solution... You could try to convince her that going on the toilet is fun! painless! feels good in fact! rather than try to convince her to go in the diaper which she knows hurt her before. Just a thought... I realize that the goal here isn't to potty train, but maybe it's actually an opportune time -- break with the old habits, try something new.

Heather,
I have been reading your site for a few months now. Many times I laughed, and agreed with you, but never enough to actually register to make a comment, until now.
I have 2 little girls, one who is 13 months and one who is 1 month (our family motto for 2007 is Keep it in your pants). I can not even imagine the pain you must have felt watching Leta go through that, and then to get some dumb ass comment from a dumb ass woman just adds insult to injury.
1st I bet Leta's room doesnt always look that clean, probably just the first 2 seconds before she wakes up and plays in it, and secondly she won't be going to her prom in diapers, and even if shedoes she is just doing what most of us wish we could!
And I loved the pics of your house, and want to see more, I like the uncluttered look-call me sterile too!
Mothers are notorious for judging other mothers and it is stupid. We all know how hard a job this is and we should support each other.
Sorry if this is so all over the place, but that comment really pissed me off, and it wasn't even directed at me, so I can imagine how you feel.
Leta looks like a happy, fun, loved kid, one I would love to have over for a playdate and share my daughter's growing collection of annoying Elmo stuff with, diaper and all
Heather

I've never commented on your site before but had to delurk to comment now. I have two boys - ages 10 and 4 - and both of them dealt with constipation starting when they were potty training. Both boys decided that they would prefer to hold in their poop for multiple days rather than poop either in a diaper or on the potty. We try to find the humor in everything, so we jokingly labeled them "anal retentive" but in reality it was a total nightmare. And what my oldest son put us through ended up being nothing compared to the hell the youngest one brought us. We tried so many things - encouragement, bribery, and in desperation, even punishment - to try to get them to poop. In the end (heh!), they both got past their pooping problems when THEY were ready, and there was nothing that we did that ended up helping them. The good news here is that when they did finally grasp that pooping wasn't going to kill them and that pooping on the potty was actually more fun than crapping your pants, it was like someone turned on a light switch, and they both conquered their troubles overnight. Leta will poop easily on the potty one day, but not a minute before she's ready to do so.

Maybe Ms. Catherine who wrote to you with such expertise would like to come help you with this fun with Leta? You could let her help with the next enema you have to administer. It's so much fun, it's really a shame to not share it with others.

I don't have children and haven't been involved in the potty training of nieces and nephews enough to offer advice. I remember my sister telling me that it was helpful to let my niece stand in the bathroom while my sister or other female relatives used the bathroom so that my niece wasn't so afraid of doing it herself (she suffered several UTIs and avoided the bathroom, too). In fact, my sister tried to make a party out of it (I'm not kidding) with lots of hand clapping, singing, and praise for a job well done. Lots of time spent with the entire family camped around the toilet. My niece wore her last diaper a few months shy of her fourth birthday.

You're doing what you can. She'll get there and pushing the issue will only hinder results.

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

I have no solutions, just encouragement. My now two year old had severe milk protein allergies as a newborn. Before we got it worked out he had every test in the book, IVs, scopes, enemas, etc. He later had another problem that required lots of IVs, and some surgery. There is nothing worse than watching (and having to help hold) your child when all that is going on. Sounds to me like you guys are doing everything right.

The one time our toddler had trouble with constipation the Dr. gave him Miralax, probably similar to what you've tried. Does sitting in the bathtub help? Sometimes hearing running water makes kids go. Will she eat anything like prunes? I somewhere online read that light Karo syrup, a teaspoon or so in water helps with constipation. Its all sugar of course, so that might not be great, but if it helps...
Have your tried the glycerin suppositories? They make them infant/child size. This might be more trauma for her, but they do seem to work. Less trauma than an enema anyway.

Anyway, hang in there. I am sure she will outgrow it all, though I know from experience that the in-between time and worrying is what will eat your lunch.

I wish I could offer you words or wisdom that would help but I do not have children Heather. Although my thoughts are the same as others above :
SCREW THE SELF JUDGIN NASTY ASSED MEAN MOTHER! SHE IS A TIT!
I can give a little bit of a giggle however.
My little brother did not fulkly potty train until he was 4. Mum said my sister Alex and I were a breeze. Easy going pee at will in a potty. George not so easy.
After trial and error the solution was found.
Mum used to stand George at the toliet and us 2 girls at the door. When George eventually 'let go' ( were talking like 20 minutes of standing there) Alex and I would whoop cheer clap and yell ' Ya George you peed !'
Unfortunately it got to a point that George would no longer pee without a ' audience and cheering section'

Mean judgemental mother needs to realize that all people parent differently but most importantly all kids grow up differently!
Oh yeah and by the way your house is damn nice. nothing sterile what so ever. And mean mum can shove it. I grew up in a identically spotless house and even had to stand by my bed for ' room inspection'

Grrr mean mum has ticked me off.
Good luck Heather all will right itself eventually of that I am sure

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8!
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.

I remember not being allowed to take bubble baths and my mother watering down out milk so we got more clear liquids in attempt to ward off the bladder infections. Maybe this will help?

Screw the haters. You are her mother and you know better than anyone else because you and Jon MADE her.

I love your house. I wish you'd come and declutter my sad grad student apartment and make it all pretty.

Do they make a Happy Potty Time(tm) Elmo? Maybe if Elmo likes it...

Chin up!

My grandmothers (yes, that's plural, they ganged up on her) tried to potty train me entirely too soon, and my Mom had to fight tooth and nail to train me when SHE wanted to... and I turned out just fine. College graduate, going for a Master's, no meth or crack involved.

I think you need to do an email spring cleaning just like StrongBad.

DELETED!

I can't even read past her email yet. WHAT A BITCH! you'd think she'd have something else to do, what with the job and the potty trained kid. I gotta go back and read the rest, but I'm sure whatever you're doing isn't 'out of control sterile.' Fucking EW!

Does Leta like cranberry juice (either with apple/grape/other flavors included)? My daughter had the same peeing problem and got an infection and started to hold in the pee. She was also very young. I told her that if she holds it in, she could get another infection, but if she drank a little cranberry juice every day, that would help keep it from hurting again. So she had a small glass of cranberry juice in the mornings. Now she's 9 and way past that, but it worked, she started peeing normally again. You don't even have to give her too much juice, just a little. It's the magic elixir.

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

I wish I could offer you words or wisdom that would help but I do not have children Heather. Although my thoughts are the same as others above :
SCREW THE SELF JUDGIN NASTY ASSED MEAN MOTHER! SHE IS A TIT!
I can give a little bit of a giggle however.
My little brother did not fulkly potty train until he was 4. Mum said my sister Alex and I were a breeze. Easy going pee at will in a potty. George not so easy.
After trial and error the solution was found.
Mum used to stand George at the toliet and us 2 girls at the door. When George eventually 'let go' ( were talking like 20 minutes of standing there) Alex and I would whoop cheer clap and yell ' Ya George you peed !'
Unfortunately it got to a point that George would no longer pee without a ' audience and cheering section'

Mean judgemental mother needs to realize that all people parent differently but most importantly all kids grow up differently!
Oh yeah and by the way your house is damn nice. nothing sterile what so ever. And mean mum can shove it. I grew up in a identically spotless house and even had to stand by my bed for ' room inspection'

Grrr mean mum has ticked me off.
Good luck Heather all will right itself eventually of that I am sure

Heather I have no words of ultimate wisdom, I'm a first time mom, and like you, I have a little girl. I cannot imagine having to watch her go through so much pain and discomfort on a constant basis. I commend you for being able to keep your sense of humor through it all, I don't know that I could. What I mostly don't understand is why mothers feel that they must judge and belittle other parents. If they have all the answers, please, enlighten the rest of us idiots that are so *obviously* failing as parents.

My kiddo is 2. Potty trained? Yeah right. She will do it WHEN SHE IS READY. And I don't get to decide when that is, no matter how much I would like to sit her down tomorrow and say "Hey, guess what, today we are going to use the potty and you will never need another diaper again!".

All I can suggest is like someone else said, try switching out her milk to a soy or rice milk to see if maybe that helps. I would say change her diet but at 2 or 3, they eat what they want when they want basically. Have you tried the youth suppositories? I know when mine was much younger she had terrible problems with constipation and these worked ok. They are found at the pharmacy over the counter. Not the most pleasant thing, but I found if you cover it in vaseline it goes in easier.

But anyway, I mainly just posted to give you some support and say you aren't alone in all this and no, we aren't all judgemental crackpots.

I have no solutions, just encouragement. My now two year old had severe milk protein allergies as a newborn. Before we got it worked out he had every test in the book, IVs, scopes, enemas, etc. He later had another problem that required lots of IVs, and some surgery. There is nothing worse than watching (and having to help hold) your child when all that is going on. Sounds to me like you guys are doing everything right.

The one time our toddler had trouble with constipation the Dr. gave him Miralax, probably similar to what you've tried. Does sitting in the bathtub help? Sometimes hearing running water makes kids go. Will she eat anything like prunes? I somewhere online read that light Karo syrup, a teaspoon or so in water helps with constipation. Its all sugar of course, so that might not be great, but if it helps...
Have your tried the glycerin suppositories? They make them infant/child size. This might be more trauma for her, but they do seem to work. Less trauma than an enema anyway.

Anyway, hang in there. I am sure she will outgrow it all, though I know from experience that the in-between time and worrying is what will eat your lunch.

Just what every mother loves...unsolicited parenting advice from an overly critical stranger. Leta will use the "big girl" potty when she is ready. AND...I think your house is very nice. Not at all sterile, full of warm and comforting colors...

First of all, the woman who wrote the letter is obviously mentally unstable (and not in a good way like you. and me. and most other mothers out there.) so just discard her from your mind like the piece of trash she is.

Second, my daughter who did not have the problems Leta does was not ready to potty train until she was 3... a few days after she turned 3 she said "Today I use the potty" and we've never looked back. So ... patience.

Third, your account of the medical procedures brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have had to hold my daughter down with all my strength (all 26 lbs of her) as they have inserted IVs, pumped blood from her arm, every 30 minutes for 6 hours, shoved tubes up through her nose and down her throat while she is awake.... all while she is staring into my eyes begging me to help her....
There is NO WORSE FEELING and I am so very sorry you and Jon have had to experience it.

Good luck and you are a really good mom.

p.s. Leta's room ROCKED and I was completely in awe of your style when I saw the pics.

I feel your pain on that one, Heather. Our baby boy had some respiratory issues when he was 8 months old, and my wife and I had to pin him to a hospital bed while the nurse held the oxygen mask over his face for a few minutes, and man, those were a long few minutes. He looked at us like we were putting him through hell. It made him all better, though. I'm pretty sure he prefers breathing over not breathing, anyway.

You're doing an amazing job with Leta, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are plenty of horrible parents in the world, and though I don't know you personally, from what I've read on your site these past few years, I'm pretty sure you're not one of them.

I don't have any advice for you, but maybe support? My son is currently 31 months old - on the brink on 3, and isn't toilet trained. We've been trying the last month, but no such luck. In our case it's not that he's not ready. It's that he's my son, which makes him stubborn. We'll keep trying, but my thoughts are that by the time he starts school, he'll have gotten over not doing it because mom wants him to. Good luck!

I can't speak much about the potty training issues - but it sounds like you and Jon have made the best decision and others should mind their own business!

I DID want to comment on your home decor. I saw the photos of Leta's room and had an epiphany! We are expecting and our little girl is due in May. Seeing Leta's room and realizing that a nursery doesn't HAVE to look like a pink rainbow or some bear character threw up all over the room is very reassuring. I like the minimal look of the room and the lack of clutter is refreshing. Also, I'm really thinking carpet tile is the way to go for our nursery too.
As for the rest of your house - love those Craftsman style houses, I really like the decor. I loved the little accents and am now encouraged that it's okay to have fake (beautiful) hydrangeas in the home.
Thanks for sharing your home - and giving me some good decorating ideas.

Is it dumb to ask if she has Potty Elmo? My brother and sister-in-law are trying to use him to help my niece want to go on the toilet at the moment (to the point where my sister-in-law makes peeing noises when Elmo sits on his little toilet seat), and that seems to be helping.

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8.
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.
My parents unfortunately didn't use that method and I only got yelled at for peeing in my pants, which I guess made me just associate negativity with all things having to do with pee.
Good luck. Sounds like rough times... I am not looking forward to this with my 2 1/4 yr old.
Looking forward to seeing a video of her first turd when she gets there... :p

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

Up until I started reading your Leta defense, I truly thought that Catherine was JOKING. How could she not be? How on Earth can someone be a vile bitch and also be allowed to have children? "Personal style", Catherine? SERIOUSLY?!

Anyway, I too have been a soldier in the battle of the baby butthole. I had a doctor feel around my son's belly and tell me "Yeah, his poo is backed all the way up his intestines... he'll start vomiting shit in a few minutes!" He would sit on the toilet AFTER THE ENEMA and cry, holding tightly to the turd and weeping pitifully. If it weren't so terribly horrible, it would be sort of impressive, right?

Listen to all of your nice commenters. You know your child. And listen to me: She will be FINE. She will not be in diapers at 15. She will learn to not be afraid of peeing. I promise.

ps. Diapers really are the best, huh?

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

You're doing what you can. She'll get there and pushing the issue will only hinder results.

I am so sorry that leta had to experience so many horrible ordeals concerning something that should be such a great relief.

I took my one-year-old, Aurora, to her first ER visit at Christmas for a 103.5 fever. they cath-ed her and I almost vomited. it was the most miserable night of our lives and I am so thankful she won't remember it.

I have been on the judgemental side of potty-training. My godson wore diapers until 4 and I started doing the eyebrow thing, the clearing the throat thing and the "oh my god, kids are going to make fun of him when he goes to school!" and my best friend (a single mom, bless her bravery) took it with smiles and nods and I'm sure was sticking pins to the voodoo doll she had created of me using hair left over in her brush, a picture and one of my stuffed animals! and then magically, suddenly, with no prompting he wanted to use the toilet and haven't had any problems since..

since i have no plans on potty training any time before two (which leaves us another blissful year of diapers) I may not have anything new for you.

The soy milk idea is good (from a previous comment). we actually have to limit soy because Aurora loves it but too much gives her the runs (also not a good thing, although it doesn't bother her at all I was tired of changing her clothes every hour).. so do soy in stride. Also recommend using vanilla or chocolate soy as the plain stuff is a bit blah for kids. I've also been giving A. a "pediatric" drink (the generic Albertsons brand) that's like Ensure for kids. It's sweet and yes I don't like the additional sugar but it's a supplement (so I can be sure she's getting in lots of vitamins when she goes through her picky weeks) and has added fiber which might help.

As for miss catty catherine... while my taste is a bit (as in a lot) more garish than yours i was amazed at how beautiful your home is.

OH! sudden ephiphany.. does Leta like Blue's Clues? the episode (with Joe) called "morning Music" has a song about going to the bathroom (it's funny so I sing it alot) and now every time I have to use the bathroom I sing the opening phrase "Gotta go gotta go gotta go" and then she runs into the bathroom with me and dances while I sing the rest of the song.. maybe it would generate some interest?

Heather,

I bagan potty training my daughter at 2 1/2 years. The process was rather painful and took a full year to complete. Seven years later I had a son. Call me lazy - but I decided to potty train him when he seemed ready. He began bringing me fresh diapers when he needed a change. I deemed him ready after about two weeks of this behaviour. The entire potty training period with him was about one full week. That's right - seven days. Oh by the way, he was almost four. Don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy every moment.
Good Luck!

Dude. That was one mean email. People need to stop trying to raise other people's kids.

I don't have any kids right now, BUT I am surrounded by mothers and pregnant women at my office. All I hear all day are stories advice about kids and pregnancy (by the time I do have kids, I won't even need to go to the doctor). All that to say, you know what's best for your child and no one else. Obviously you're not mistreating or abusing her. She will have to learn and grow at her own pace. That is because every person is different. Leta is her own person and will do what she needs to in her own time. Of course, you and Jon are there to guide her and teach her, and since you are the ones who know her best, you are the best ones for the job!

You're doing a great job too! I am sure that with your guidance, the things in her personality that seem exasperating now will mellow and meld and grow to be her some of the best things about her.

Fer reals.

How fucking pathetic is that woman? I sincerely don't understand the kind of self-loathing involved in taking time out of one's day to write that kind of an email. Your family, your home, your life are obviously in such stark contrast to her insanely depressing one that lashing out at you is her way of feeling a smidge better about how bad she sucks.

As for Leta, she is fantastic, beautiful, and that will of steal will serve her well in life. Leta will come around one day. The important thing is to try, as much as you can, to keep this period her in life as *unmemorable*. Down play, down play, down play.

How fucking pathetic is that woman? I sincerely don't understand the kind of self-loathing involved in taking time out of one's day to write that kind of an email. Your family, your home, your life are obviously in such stark contrast to her insanely depressing one that lashing out at you is her way of feeling a smidge better about how bad she sucks.

As for Leta, she is fantastic, beautiful, and that will of steal will serve her well in life. Leta will come around one day. The important thing is to try, as much as you can, to keep this period her in life as *unmemorable* as possible. Down play, down play, down play.

Heather, I was in Ikea the other day and there were several times I thought...I saw something like that on Dooce, I really liked her home, maybe I'll do something like that. Nevermind the comments of a woman whose home is most like kitschy and filled with ruffles.

As for Leta, your poor baby girl. I was a nanny for my cousin for two years from the time she was 3 to 5. She was constipated once and was scared to go after that. We gave her "poop tea" which helped, but then she was scared to go without it. We had to go in front of her with smiles and high pitched, happy squeals of encouragement for weeks, then cheer her on as she sat on the potty for several more weeks. It happened when she was ready, as it will with Leta.

My thoughts will be with you. And Leta, and her pooping.

Like everyone else has already said, Heather, Leta will be potty trained as and when she's ready. I know that doesn't help when stupid, ignorant women like Catherine stick their oars in but it's a fact and as a mother she should know that.

The constipation/fear of pooping etc. sounds horrific and I think you've done a great job stauing sane and just being a good mother to Leta. One or more of the earlier commenters said about letting Leta spend time with older children because peer pressure may help. It certainly did in my experience with my own daughter. We didn't make a big thing of 'oh look at the BIG boys and girls' or anything like that, she worked it out on her own.

Oh and for the record, your house is beautiful and I love seeing pictures of it. You have impeccable taste and Catherine can just bite me, stupid woman.

Hang in there, Heather, you ARE doing this right. Just hang in there.

My elder son was fully potty-trained by 3 years, 3 months or so. We tried potty training earlier, but with limited success. He eventually started to go #2 in the potty, though, simply to avoid having it in his pants. Later on, he started sleeping through the night without wetting himself. Soon after that, he went #1 in the potty also. Left to his own devices, he essentially trained himself.

My younger son, however, is 3 years, 3 months old now, and he has not achieved nearly the same level of potty training. He apparently uses it at school, but my wife and I must be some sort of pants-filling trigger for him, because he hardly ever succeeds at home. Sometimes he'll succeed with #1, but for #2 he sneaks off and hides, only to surprise us later with his excretory misdeeds. He has yet to sleep through the night without wetting himself, though, so we think it's primarily a physiological issue, and potty training will continue to fail until his body catches up.

Every kid is different. Not just in mind, but in body as well. Potty training has both physical and psychological elements, so the age at which kids learn to use the potty is guaranteed to fall on a large spectrum.

Personally, I'm convinced that any kid who is fully potty-trained before the age of three has responded more to the anal retentiveness of the parent.

My daughter has had issues with going to the bathroom since day one, too. It is soooo hard. I figure she will learn to use a potty in her own time, just as you have with Leta.

I thought your house and Leta's room was beautiful. Want to come over and clean/decorate mine? I'll make you cookies and some sort of vodka-based drink...although we only have cranberry-apple juice right now.

Heather, Women in general are extremely judgemental (not me of course -- yeah right). Ignore them. According to my mother, the the only reason that she potty-trained my sister at 3 was so she could leave her at daycare. I was trained by 3 because my mom was expecting my sister and couldn't deal with 2 kids in diapers. If none of those apply, who cares how long you have to change diapers? Now, your house is a little beige for my taste, but beautiful, and again, who cares what that woman thinks, she doesn't live there, you do! Don't worry so much about what people think of you. Easy to say, tough to do, especially when we all keep writing and telling you what we think! --Heather

Oh Heather. This is so sad. See though, you have nice friends who aren't vile uptight bitches who have no sense of "personal style" when it comes to being human beings. Take comfort.

She will get it in her time, I promise. You are doing the right thing. You are an amazing, thoughtful parent. And I love your green vase collection.

Yes, I too have been a soldier in the battle of the butthole. Hm, I am thinking there ought to be a hymn, along the lines of "Onward Christian Soldiers" about the poo resistance army and how it's being DEFEATED, thanks to enemas and patience and parents who aren't jerks. I will let you know what I come up with. In the meantime, Carry On!

Poor Leta. I remember going through lots of bladder infections as a little kid and I used to hold my pee for hours trying to avoid going and peed in my pants till I was 8.
My advice would be to try and make Leta aware that it no longer hurts and that peeing is fun! She will learn that it is OK to pee.
My parents unfortunately didn't use that method and I only got yelled at for peeing in my pants, which I guess made me just associate negativity with all things having to do with pee.
Good luck. Sounds like rough times... I am not looking forward to this with my 2 1/4 yr old.
What I AM looking forward to is seeing a video of her first turd in the bowl when she gets there... :p

I say if you are listening to your child, and not forcing her to do something based on some randomly selected idea of "normal" then you are doing a good job. With my oldest, the more I tried to potty-train her, the more constipated she got. Trust your gut. Screw everyone else.

Heather, I am so sorry for Leta- and for you. I have a 16 month old and have begun reading up on potty training, and apparently this issue of a "fear" of going to the bathroom is a very real problem. My nephew experienced the same problem and was not completely potty-trained until he was 4 1/2. The good news is that all the experts agree that almost all children will be potty trained by the time they go to kindergarten. Leta will catch on soon enough. In the meantime, stay stocked up on chocolate and liquor(for you of course) and you should survive mostly unscathed :)

please don't let people like that make you explain yourself. you always have your kid's best interest at heart, and the people that matter know you are a great parent.

obviously this chick is so ocd she probably told her kids it was time to stop acting like a baby and grow up five minutes after they were born and she realized they weren't potty trained. besides, if she thinks potty training is the easiest thing to do, she hasn't done much in her poor, pathetic life.

so, you're right, you'll know when lets is ready. i highly doubt you'll have to accompany her to college to change her diapers....

Heather -
I've read your blog for over a year now and love it. I've been tempted to write many times, but this is the one that put me over the edge as it touches on two of my "touchy" subjects. First of all LOVE the anal retentive organized look of your house. Second it breaks my heart what you and Leta are going through and I wish I could hug you both. It will get better. I'm glad you can joke about these things and realize that while they are HORRIBLE they are also ridiculous. Hang in there. And if you learn that "magical" (aka imaginary) key to potty training PLEASE pass it on to the rest of us!!

My 2.5 year old isn't really cooperating with the potty right now and I'm letting it slide, but I do believe some kids can be, um, encouraged more effectively. Not Leta, though. Leta's got issues most other kids don't. Before she'll go on the potty, she'll need to feel safe, which means she'll need to feel confident and comfortable which won't happen until she works past the fear of pain.

I am sorry for Leta that she's going through this. My heart goes out to you all. Ignore the dumbheads and do what is right for your daughter right now, and that probably means working on keeping her body healthy, helping her trust you that it's okay to go, and waiting. Who cares if she's still in diapers? I'd rather have a mentally healthy child in diapers than a freaked-out, anxiety-ridden child who needs me to find a public bathroom every twenty minutes while I grocery shop.

Oh my gosh, Heather: reading about Leta's struggles brings me back to when I was a little girl, and I battled horrible, chronic UTIs until about age 4 when, thankfully, I seemed to grow out of the problem. Probably not surprisingly, I, too, was a little on the late side when it came to being toilet trained, which I have no doubt was related to all the difficulties