I am one of those men who asks why the new roll (often installed in the morning before I go to work) is down to 3 squares by the time I get home. Ok, maybe this is an exaggeration. There's sometimes 5 squares left. I just don't understand why it takes 635 squares to get clean and dry! It seems that if one were at home, stepping 2 feet into the SHOWER might make more sense. Why not feel clean all over?
I'll get off my soapbox now.

Zan: you are *such* a man.

And my fella complains about the toilet paper usage around here, saying that "women use more". Well, duh. You just don't want to be an adult with diaper rash.

But get this, when you compare the usage in the only way you can--how much everyone uses and after the events during that we both sit down for--this boy uses more. We're not just talking a touch more. We're talking toilet-clogging wipe his ass with the whole roll while it's still on the cardboard more.

This whole discussion makes want a bidet.

I really like Nibs.

Another TP issue: Under or Over? I prefer Over, simply for aesthetic reasons.

1. Bucci, you must be a man.
2. Over -- under gives me the creeps.
3. I'll sign that bill immediately.
4. What about the using TP as kleenex rule -- I'm pro-this but I know people who are violently against it, but I just think they're the same ones who blow their nose in their hands in the shower.

Wait! People blow there noses in their hands? Christ!

Under for easier one-handed tearing.

You're all gross and have gross bums and pudenda. You need to make a big ball of tissue first and wet it, because without water, the clean is superficial (yes sir, I do say so). Then you make another wad and do another run to dry off (a dry run, in other words, heh).

That way, you're clean and ready for action. Who cares about high usage stats when, as Dooce said, you can get 'em by the 78?

(Plus, this is all a matter of perspective. If you stop thinking in terms of "squares" and instead in terms of, say, "rolls" or "no streaks", you'll have no problems at all.)

I share a bathroom with two girls. It takes us about 3.5 days to finish a roll of single ply. We're too poor to buy good stuff so we use the paper the college supplies. It's horrible.

My parents have a bidet (It came with the house). Bidets, to me, don't make wiping easier. It makes your whole groinal area wet, and you use even more paper just to dry it all. (Plus how would it work against a rather nasty poo? I don't want it spraying my mess back up into my bottom system.)

When I was little I used to use the bidet to wash my feet. I just found out last year that both my mom and dad have started using it on a regular basis.

Also, my boyfriend does the blowing-nose-in-hands-whilst-showering thing. Then he gets all disgusted when I pee in the shower. This is also the guy who will walk into the bathroom while I'm doing my morning bathroom routine, and take a wee. Right there. Just wizzing away. He's somehow mastered a "no hands" technique, which is rather unsettling. I love him so.

there's another Over Vs Under question that's appropriate here, and one that's come up in our family recently as we teach the kiddies to wipe solo:

Do you wipe from UNDER the front, or do you go OVER the backside?

She says under.

I say over.

Also I'm with S. If you want to get truly clean, I suggest Huggies Natural Care Baby Wipes. They clean like a washcloth. I'm hooked.

two plies a day... that's impossible! an average human being will poop 2-4 times a day. two plies... that's not only impossible but very, very cruel...

i would actually perfer it if men would do a bit of wiping over just jiggling it.

First, love that animated bear TP commercial.
Second, Charmin sucks. There's no grip. I'm trying to clean it, not get it to take a nap!
Can I get an amen?

So one night Roger and Christina and I are all talking about wiping and the amount of toilet paper necessary and this subject has come up because we are all drinking and Christina has come out of the bathroom laughing about the fact that she hates it when she goes to wipe and she hasn't used enough paper and her hand gets a little wet. And we're all, like, "Yeah, that sucks. Hee hee." And then Roger says, "But I hate it worse when I go number two and don't use enough paper and get something worse on my hands. Hee hee! Know what I'm talkin' about?!" At which me and Christina just stare in horror because, NO, we do not know what he's talking about. So we start telling him that it was all funny and everything until he went there and there's no way in hell we would ever suffer the angst of poop on the hand because we ALWAYS mummify the hand before it is sent to rid our underside of said excrement. Roger felt a little stupid. Then we laughed again.

P.S. Dooce, I totally love you more.

Oh giggle. And I didn't think I liked bathroom humor! You are the shit Dooce! But there is an issue that has gone disturbingly unaddressed: http://www.restrooms.org/standing.html. Not that I've mastered it...

she called the shit, "poop"

Having evacuated my bowels over 20,000 times so far (if you do the math you can guess my age), I have developed a system that is both economical and artistic. I pull off approx. 10 inches of the 2 ply material, and through a series of folding techniques, manage to make the paper last until I have reached a state of bung-hole purity. These folding techniques follow the ancient Japanese art of origami. I end up with a folded poop paper that resembles birds, fish, dogs,hats, etc. This technique does not seem to work well after I eat two grapefruit, a bunch of peanuts, and an ear of corn. The explosive force and collateral damage requires about 14 inches of paper.
Thank you and have a pleasant day.

I was always under the impression that guys ate up toilet paper. However, living in a female residence hall, I realize that we inhale it. Or steal it.

J-J-Jammin' on the one!
Dude, is that like from the Cosby Show? Did Theo say that? Cause I drive my family nuts by saying that all the time and I'm not exactly sure from whence it came...

- totally unrelated to poop, but......

Amstershiresauce, it IS from the Cosby show! J-j-j-j jammin on the one! It was the episode where Stevie Wonder does a guest appearance and the kids get to record a rap song in his studio. I think it was Rudy who said jammin on the one, though it could've been Theo. It's been in my head all day.

Okay, anna, would you rather sit on some seat where someone's pee had been wiped off two minutes earlier, or just piss while squatting?
That's the whole idea of squatting - not only to avoid germy toilet seats, but also to avoid any toilet seats that could POSSIBLY be germy. Join us other inconsiderate twats, you inconsiderate twat. And squat.

i just can't even think of any way to tie this in, but... complete with illustrations, sacred underwear. again.

http://www.lds-mormon.com/
veilworker/endowment1.shtml

Whoa, now, Allisonic: I totally agree with our friend Anna, here. It IS fucking disgusting to enter a smelly toilet stall with pee all over the seat, whether or not I can squat over it. And what if I have arthritis and can't squat long enough to pee? Inconsiderate twit. Ladies, WIPE YOUR PEE OFF. Nobody else wants to do it, especially not the person who has to clean that bathroom. If you're so concerned about disease, use a toilet seat cover. Leaving your pee there to fester and smell is certainly not going to lessen the risk of disease for anyone.

twat twat twat twat twat!

what a great word.

ok - if the bathroom is totally gross and REALLY public - i'll squat for sure - but what if it is at work (3 stalls, cleaned daily) or i have to go number two.

in that case - i use a toilet seat cover - and i'm sorry if i don't want to have to wipe up SOMEONE ELSE'S urine.

especially if the perpetrator just walks out of the stall right in front of me and leaves all that pee on the seat like it's just 'okay' - it's not. it's gross. that's it.

of course we could always do this....

* Toilet paper goes over the top. Fuck Miss Manners.

* I swear I never drank out of my grandparents bidet. Don't believe ANY of them. (though yes I'll admit playing in it.)

* Of course we blow our nose in our hands while showering. Steam loosens everything up and if you don't get it in your hands it gets all over you which is REALLY disgusting, nevermind the problems associated with handling tissue with wet hands. - And forget the one nostril shotgun technique onto the floor. That'll get you lynched.

* I always sugested a novel approach to TP usage. Use both sides.

Have you noticed that petrol pumps always spill a few drops after you've finished pressing the trigger? Your hose must have been designed by the same man.

The sphincter muscle the pinches the urethra muscle closed is about eight inches from the tip of your penis, so some urine is trapped in front of it. If a few shakes doesn't prevent your from dotting your trousers, you can use a technique called urethal milking.

Simply run your finger along the underside of your penis to force out any remaining liquid. A study in the British Journal of Urology found that this little trick reduced post-pee dribble by nearly 30 percent.

from here: http://www.penisowner.com/pbp/pbp.html

Chauvinist, we ladies poop flowers and fart perfume. I thought you knew.

Actually, pee is very sanitary. It's sterile when it first comes out, but attracts bacteria like a motherfucker once it's there. One of the things we learned in army training was that you can pee on any wounds you have in order to sterilize them as the acid kills any infection and random bacteria. So let 'er rip!

anna, you are a goddess, i am so a fan of you right now. i'm so going to take this info to the chaps in my life. rock on sistah!!!

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING takes the edge off of having to work on a holiday like the phrase "It's a well known fact that people had smaller poops during the depression". Mad propz 2 da dooce, yo.

i dont understand what you are talking about. i dont need to wipe my ass, because im so hott.

In some instances, yes, squatting is necessary, but also necessary is cleaning up after yourself--HELLO! That's just good manners.

In all instances, the TP should come over the top of the roll.

I think 2-4 times a day is average if one is a professional salmonella taster.

snarkypup -

i posted that for angelique. she took issue with 'jiggling the dew".

my problem isn't with bacteria - it's with having to WIPE UP someone else's piss off the toilet seat because THEY are either too afraid of bacteria or just plain old too slobbish to do it themselves.

i have very little to do with men's bathrooms - thank god - and my honey manages to pee quite neatly.

besides - i bite my fingernails - and if that doesn't provide bacteria a chance to invade my system nothing does.

Okay, I can't believe I'm sharing this but I just have to know if this has ever happened to anyone else. If it hasn't I know you all will just forget I said anything!
Ladies, did you ever pee really fast, wipe really fast, drop it in the toilet...but then get up too fast so that half the tp sticks between your butt cheeks and the other half is already dangling in the water and you don't realize it because you were in such a rush to get off the toilet that you pulled your pants up and now everything is wet (pants, butt, delicates, etc)? Anybody?
And yes, I too like Scott tissue only. That soft stuff leaves fuzzies and cloggs the septic.
:P

I know there are men out there that use more than us. I once dated a man who NEVER made it out of the bathroom before me. When I finally asked why he explained that he had to layer the toilet seat three times in toilet paper before he sat down. Which either means that he always sat or he's one of those 2-4 times a day shitters.

My roomies and I went through 24 rolls in two weeks....I totally know what you mean.

Horrifed, that is, to find out that some people put their TP in THE TRASH!!!

Doocinator, you are such a whack. :)

This is the most entertaining thing I've read in a long time. And dammit I agree whole-heartedly.

My problem is with people who don't wash their hands after they use the bathroom. And if you pay attention when you're in a public restroom, it's always the really girly sorority-types, too.

I totally noticed this around the office. We have 4 guys and 3 women, and we all share a bathroom. And it seems to happen all the time that I (or another office female) go into the bathroom and sit down and then realize there are only 2 (or possibly 3) squares left on the toilet roll. Now, if I am in the bathroom and use up ALMOST the whole rest of the roll, I normally take a new roll and set it somewhere within reaching distance of the toilet. Guys just don't seem to think of it. Ahhh, they think, 2 squares left - perfect for the next person. So instead I'm left trying to dab with one layer of tissue and make my way to the cabinet to get a new roll.

Well, me and the missus get 4 cases of tp delivered on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. (We don't eat right.)

I was told at school once that you should wipe from front to back, cause if you wipe back to front you could end up with a unriny tract infection which aparently hurt like hell.

i crapped my droors the other morning and had to take a shower just so i could get everything cleaned off properly - there was *that* much! luckily i hadn't showered yet so it just wound up being time to shower... but i did try using TP but i'd have gone through at least the rest of the roll and possibly another. plus i got some on the floor, the toilet seat, my shirt, my hands and feet - and obviously my boxers.

so, the wisdom i have gleaned from this life experience is NOT to "hold it" for too long.

TP must go over the top.

I agree that mentholated tissue makes for an uncomfortable substitute, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think I'll hold off on my diatribe on tissue as tp and tp as tissue and the fun paper science involved. Suffice it to say I'm strangely fascinated by how well each type is suited for its purpose, but not for the other.

What really disturbs me is this new stuff that basically amounts to diaper wipes for adults. They're pretty nifty, but the remote possibility that they might be cold at the time of use prevents me from investing in a pack.

And since we're talking about butts in general, see if you can tell your ass from your elbow:
http://www.assotron.com/
arse-or-elbow?

Dooce! Called in sick to work today (not that I'm reeeally sick silly, just needed some space to think) and worked a little on my site. Having a damned inconsistent approach to my site, thought I'd check on the folks that do it right. Haven't been here in an age, so I just spent the last, um - Jesus Fucking Christ! - 3 hours reading every last post. Concentrate hard and you might feel me beaming grinning-like-a-fool-appreciation at you.

Don't let the Mormons get you down.

I always take toilet paper and drape it over the surface of the water so that it prevents splashing sounds. Yum. :D

my mom used to say "It's for your ASSHOLE not your WHOLE ASS". i'm a bad little exorbitant amount of t.p. user. i admit it. i just sometimes zone out and forget when i'm wadding it up.

For my wedding present, my best man -- who was once a roommate and knows how much I use -- was going to get me a lifetime supply of toilet paper. Thank goodness he got us the Pottery Barn flatware instead!

oh god, i made an unintentional homonym error! the horror! i meant, "they're" ... damn me ...

Oh and about the whole teaching your kid how to wipe thing... I go in to wipe from the front but wipe front to back... back to front is just icky!

I am CRYING, I'm laughing so hard from you people. Oh man, I needed that. Okay, weighing in:
*TP should be under.
*Wipe the damn seat, squatters!
*Adult wipes rule, especially after Mexican food.
*2-4 times A DAY?? Good Lord.
*People who don't wash their hands after using the restroom should have their fingers turn blue to warn the rest of us. 'Cause that's just nasty.

Dooce: well then, I'll try to talk about my fuzzy ass more often. ;)

I read somewhere that fecal bacteria can get through over 11 layers of standard 2 ply TP.
Surely that is reason enough to use half a roll (at least!) per visit.

The facilities at my work are substandard at best, but when it becomes necessary to pay the ferryman, I use as much TP as its S-bend can handle. Not only does the padded wipe make the pathetic 1 ply more tolerable, but I prefer glove-like protection when my hand goes anywhere near a place where a million other asses have been.

An episode of Oprah once talked about the Under v Over roll position issue. It seems that the choice is subconscious - those who choose the Over position are more confident and dominent, while those who prefer the Under mode are expressing their lack of self esteem. Or maybe Oprah is just full of shit.

I can't believe that I just spent all that time reading about crap. That said:
- TP goes over
- reach over to get the back, with a separate piece of toilet paper from the front if #1 and #2 happened
- yeah, I use a lot
- I used to go 2-4 times a day until I started eating healthy. Now, once. Like clockwork. Around 2 in the afternoon.
- I don't hover. My theory? I've never hovered, I haven't died yet, I'll be fine. I won't use the toilet if a hoverer hasn't cleaned up her mess on the seat...how rude!

Also, does anyone have any men in the house who won't flush after a pee? Because I do, and it drives me insane. What if I were to poo and the poo forcefully hit the water, splashing a couple drops back up onto me? It's like you're peeing on me, and that's gross as hell. Also, our toilet is a dark-ish tan-ish color, and depending on light, I'm never quite sure if the water is clear or yellow. I'm sure our toilet gets flushed a lot more than it should because of this.

Why does charmin need a website?

Oops, Alison, sorry. Spelled your name wrong.

i swear to god if i get marriied and my wife hangs the roll under rather than over, i think i would have to install a second hanger. improper hanging of the tp roll is seriously grounds for divorce.