Happiness is . . .
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Heather talks about overcoming depression on today's Momversation.
- Leta: "STOP FOLLOWING ME, COCO!"
I wonder where she picked up that exclamation.
- Me: "Hey Marlo, here's a vibrantly colored, squeaky toy made specifically for your age group!"
Marlo: "Got any knives?"
- @makeandtakes my pleasure! Had a great time with you guys!
1. rosebaby said:
love that. so does the dog.
2. Kate said:
And speaking of that, I'm #2.
3. rosebaby said:
p.s. much like asparagus pee, grape juice poop is weird smelling.
4. the propagandist said:
so you complain about weird comments and you post this?
the hounds give inspiration to us all - they're like colons with fur.
5. aubs said:
...or when your cats finally learn the difference between YOUR bathtub and THEIR litterbox.
6. dooce said:
propagandist: i never complained about *weird* comments. in fact, the weird ones are my favorites. they make great dinner conversation with my Granny, like, ìGranny, is grape juice poop weird smelling, or what? Pass the gravy.î
7. LK said:
yay! congrats, dooce. ;) as someone who has gone through the few-days-without-pooping experience, i know exactly how you feel.
8. poop on a stick said:
Silly propagandist, she doesn't complain about weird comments she just edits/ censors them out of her web site... come on get it right....
9. sx70.blogspot.com said:
i am on the atkins diet (induction phase) for 14 days (i'm now on day 9), and as you may or may not know, it's a low-carb, hi-protein diet which means lotsa meat, notta lotta veggies. i'm like totally serious when i say when i pooped this morning, it was only the second time in 9 days. somehow i remain happy, even though it was rather short and i didn't even get to finish up all my avantgo pages whilst on the loo.
10. dooce said:
actually, poop on a stick, i only edit/censor yours.
11. Carrie said:
Exactly, Dooce. Simple, mundane things become of paramount importance in their absence. Like, being able to breathe out of your nose is an extremely underrated pleasure - until, of course, one cannot do so.
As to your particular private misery, I can only offer these words of hope and consolation: Metamucil mixed with orange juice. Godspeed.
12. leblanc said:
i remember hearing somewhere that if you always look in the toilet before you flush, it's some sort of Freudian symptom of deep psychological issues. is this true? because i do. every time.
13. megchem said:
Ha...good one dooce!
14. poop on a stick said:
that makes me feel so special :)
15. Ariel said:
I have a good friend with some pooping issues, and when we went to Burning Man together in 1999, she simply could not poop the whole time we were there. Which was four days. I wanted to cry for her.
For those eager to get REALLY into their poop, I recommend the Arise and Shine cleanse. Woo. What poop that is!
16. April said:
That said, my cat must be very, very happy.
17. Glovia said:
Bring back "How to Charm Me/Annoy Me" etc. That was so great.
18. Funtime Ben said:
Ahhh, poop. It's the last bastion of hope for the blogging community.
19. the propagandist said:
dooce: yes dear, a glance at your archives illuminates my error.
please accept my apologies, but i really needed a lead in to the colons with fur comment.
20. Underwear Ninja said:
For a long time, my diet was all screwy, and I was in huge amounts of colon pain once a week, and only once a week. Morning Raisin Bran and afternoon Jamba Juice 5 times weekly. I'm not regular, but I'm daily. There's no colon cramping, and that's Happiness enough for me.
21. anna said:
i could not agree more.
one of my friends asked me recently if i would rather never take a satisfying shit again in my life or give up orgasms.
it was a hard one for me to answer.
that's how much i love pooping. or perhaps more accurately - how much i love the absence of the bloating, discomfort, irritability and general grossness that come along with chronic constipation.
my kingdom for a poop....
22. anna said:
oh yeah!
speaking of grosser than gross - i think THIS will win the big money prize.....
23. Jennay said:
Ah, I just pooped like 2 minutes ago. I was actually just talking about this with my mom. I'm usually a mid-afternoon pooper, and according to Ma, I always have been. I cherish regular poops, and I never realized how much until I caught a wicked nasty stomach flu where I wasn't pooping regularly. I was either pooping 6 times in an hour or NOT pooping for 4 days. I just like pooping.
24. Avril Lavigne said:
I like to eat poop for breakfast.
That's kink. Top that, Brittany.
25. dooce said:
can i just say, i LOVE you people.
26. Marlyse said:
You can be thankful also that you don't have a case of the 'roids. I thought, 'this can't be normal for a healthy 30 year old to suffer from hemmoroids - for a week'! Buying PrepH ranks up there on my most embarrassing moments list...but I must admit it works.
be glad, Dooce, be glad.
27. PJ said:
I saw Marilu Henner on a talk show once (I think it was Letterman), she was plugging her diet book. Ever since then I cannot stop thinking (and noticing) every time I go, that she said they should be 'floaters, not sinkers', if you were eating properly.
28. Juney Jen said:
DAG! THIS IS POOPILICIOUS!
29. Kel said:
My favorite poop colloquialism: Dropping the kids off for swimming lessons.
30. Death Cab said:
OMG! I don't think I've ever had a floater...
31. Kate the Great said:
Colloquialisms for pooping! This is my kind of topic. One of my favorites is "I've gotta go put something down on paper." (Courtesy of Sealab 2021)
32. cicada said:
I can't stop thinking about that scene in the movie The Road to Wellville where Anthony Hopkins talks about his poop being as large and fragrant as a hot biscuit. Bet it wouldn't taste like one, though. *shudder*
33. Chuck Cheeze said:
I usually am a after-meal pooper. Something like the new stuff in my stomach is signaling my intestines to start moving things along.
I like a #1
I love a #2
I live for NUMBA THRRREE
34. vibegrrl said:
KEL!! hahaha, my LOUser ex-boyfriend Lou used to say that ALL the time!! "Droppin' the kids off at the pool..."
heh :)
35. Libbyo said:
In mid-stages of pregnancy - I SO AGREE WITH YOU THERE!
36. lee said:
Floaters, not sinkers?
Shit.
37. Shawn said:
My friend calls it Hanging Clay, which is just the grossest thing ever.
38. jen said:
Pooping on a too regular of a basis can be unhappiness though.
I can tell you where all the good public washrooms are in the area.
poop = life
39. Irk said:
I have an email somewhere about all the different types of poops. My personal favorite is the Rap Poop: "Fart, Poop Poop Fart, Poop Poop Fart Fart Poop Poop Fart."
40. pinklady said:
several of my guy friends say they have to "pinch a loaf".
41. Carrie said:
Okay, this seems to be the right time to share this. My b/f told me this one, which was overheard by a friend from the next men's room stall: "Ah, No blood, no puss, no chunks of meat - It's gonna be a good day."
42. megchem said:
1. laying cable
2. pushing a boneless brown
3. squeezing a squirrel
Need More!
43. Sheila said:
Pooping is good. So is farting. Feels like I'm losing weight when either occurs.
How about your long (dimensionally) poop? I had a really long one the other day. :)
44. Sheila said:
s/b "longest" poop
45. the media said:
gee thats great and so many ass pumping comments to go along with it
freedom of speech is over rated
46. poo poo platter said:
how about when it comes out like a playdough fun factory?
47. Jason said:
If you like this topic, you'll love:
www.ratemypoo.com
48. PJ said:
My 11-year old son, on a regular basis, but not regularly, lays one AS BIG AS HIS ARM. He is skinny, but still, they are monster shits. Last week he did one, it wouldn't flush, of course he doesn't tell anyone, next kid goes, toilet overflows, husband yelling, I'm mopping, then in the middle of all this, the fucking handle on the toilet breaks! It was Sunday night, no hardware stores open until the next morning, we had to alternately plunge/ turn water on&off at shutoff valve/ plunge again until the log finally flushed. All the yelling aside, I think my husband is secretly proud of the boy.
49. Amanda Lew said:
I've always admired those of my friends who comment, "Be right back... I'm going to go have a food baby."
50. April said:
Note to self: no reading Dooce during lunchtime.
51. Chris said:
When I was a kid, my dad dropped one that looped the whole way around the bowl, kinda like the snake-eating-itself logo from that Millenium show. He was so proud of it that he left it there with a sign that read "First Prize: Blue Ribbon Tird." (My dad thought that because turd and bird rhyme, they should be spelled similarly.)
52. jennyh said:
I work with a pediatric GI doc (i.e. gut doctor) who makes metamucil cookies for his patients....apparently the peanut butter ones are da bomb! Did I try one? No thanks!
53. I said:
This is probably the reason why shows like Jerry Springer, Cops, etc. never run out of material. Too many stupid people. Please disable the comments section & get a job or something. I think you & your readers have too much time on your hands. When they said the internet would allow each individual a voice probably didn't mean this.
54. HereForNow said:
Sounds like I is constipated.
55. se said:
Sadly/sickly, my poop thoughts are of other's poops. The boy at the YMCA who pooped *through* his swim suit at the edge of the pool leaving a tidy pile, guy at entrance to my college library as I was walking in who, addressing someone many yards away, bellowed in my face "I've gotta go pinch a loaf!", and the interior design consultant chicklette where I used to work whose poops smelled so urpingly awful I had to learn her bowel habits in order to avoid being ambushed while I was in the bathroom. Her colon must have only been visited by red meat and burnt coffee. She also wore heavy perfume so you knew it was her coming in the restroom if you were already in a stall. I'd cut my pissing off mid-stream if I smelled her coming, so I wouldn't have to smell her going.
56. pinklady said:
to "i": i guess if you really feel that way go frequent and post comments on another site. people so concerned with propriety really grate on my nerves. poop is funny get over yourself.
57. dooce said:
I: funny, you had enough time on your hands to read all these ìstupidî comments.
i'd totally have a job by now, but people just aren't hiring professional poopers. times are hard.
58. moose said:
Colloquialism:
Making a snake.
Gotta go.
59. Ev said:
I may be getting old and all, but damn, I just wanna do a little dance when I drop a good log.
60. the mighty jimbo said:
i assume he has found dry grass in the back yard. or you have found taco bell.
61. elvis said:
-lay some cable
-take my seat at the throne
-lose some weight
-drop a steamer
-visit elvis
-pinch one off
-back one out
-roll the deuce
i use the last one the most, which is why i find this website, and its current topic curious
62. Scott said:
Two lovely poop euphemisms attributed to the late French novelist George Perec are, "I'm going to cast myself a bronze" and "My lips are bursting with nutcake".
63. SUSU said:
Dooce you are da BOMB! I have not laughed this hard in a long while...
I once had a home health client whose wife's chief complaint was that her husband's shit was too big to flush. She had to get in there and break them up so's they'd go down. She wanted me to send her a Nusing assistant to help her manage flushing her husband's stools. She showed them to me every time I went to the house... I actually felt happy for the guy it musta felt good to unload like that daily..
64. anna said:
you go dooce - give that loser "I" what for!
and amanda lewis - i just got totally wrapped up in your web page. you are the kind of girl i never ever will be no matter how hard i try or how many hot friends i have.
in fact so are most girls.
sigh.
65. drew said:
i can't believe no one has said "turtle head" yet.
66. the mighty jimbo said:
"my lips are bursting with nutcake?" jesus i had to pick myself off the floor after that one. thanks a million.
and jen, i couldnt agree more. although a regular unloading is a joy to experience, too regular and life sucks. i can tell you from experience that being overseas and having to dive off a trail or hang your ass off the side of a rock every 20 minutes in order to evict all the contents of your abdomen (including a spleen i think) is NOT a fun way to spend a vacation.
67. Richard said:
Amen to that!
68. makin a move said:
slow silly string
69. Sometimes I said:
Boycott shampoo.
Demand real poo.
70. Miss Mea-Mea said:
Whenever I have a really long and satisfying poop, and I mean the kind where you poop a whole lot, and then, just when you think you're done, there's a secondary poop, then I like to think to myself, to paraphrase Macbeth, "Out, damned poop! Yet who would have thought the old girl to have had so much poop in her?" Every time.
71. Jasmine said:
Colloquialism: 'Releasing a chocolate hostage'.
72. rayne said:
...on the kitchen floor! Well, my puppy thinks so anyway.
73. Daejin said:
So what I want to know is, what's the recommended/ideal number of time per day for "punching a grumpy"? I'm thinking daily is great, twice a day is acceptable. I just need to convince a friend that 5 visits a day to drop a chalupa is simply showing a lack of commitment while on the throne. It's hard enough to organize the day around 3 square meals, this would throw my schedule in the sh**ter, especially since I have a thing about using public washrooms for #2
74. Chizantski said:
.it's totally over-rated.
75. Kerry said:
My favorite is colloquialism is "drowning kittens".
But I also like "making bears".
76. elissa said:
my father says "i'm going to make a deposit in the porcelain bank" and "time to worship the porcelain temple" for his daily unloadings.
77. gm said:
Colloquialisms:
1) Taking the Browns to the Superbowl
2) If my ex had to poop really bad, to when it was pushing against his rectum, he would say, "It's crowning!"
Yuck! Accurate, tho.
78. Irk said:
What's regular is being able to set your watch by the time elapsed between the crumpling of the sandwich wrapper into the fry box to the first plop of that supper fatty teflon bullet.
79. KEVYNN MALONE said:
Amen, my sister. I think that - *stomach makes weird squelching sound* Uh oh - I've gotta go!
80. Snyder said:
You know, its the simple things in life that make it worthwhile...
81. Beverly&3rd said:
cute site.
82. Simon said:
My personal favourite euphemism has always been the one I picked up when I was on the phone with a friend and he announced "look, I gotta go. the rat's poking his head out."
83. kidfarthest said:
boot camp. couldn't poop for two weeks. ate like a rhino with a tapeworm (but very, very quickly-- under the gun, y'know). no idea where it went. dooce speaks deep, deep truths with few words. i worship her.
84. GeekGirl said:
With all the obvious computer geeks around here, I'm surprised no one has mentioned the two euphemisms GeekBoy and I use:
1. "I've gotta go download."
2."I was logging off."
85. ashley said:
This is completely off topic, but...
I've been bragging on you and turning on others to you, and one of the things I loved on the old Dooce was your Women Who Make Me Question My Sexual Persuasion series, especially Kirsten (Leaves me hurtin') Dunst. I tried to find it in The Wayback Machine, to no avail.
Do you still have these? Can you make them available on your new site? I bet a lot of your newer enthusiasts would appreciate those examples of your design skills.
Thanks for being you. You are one of my top daily reads.
86. Laura said:
Ha sickos. This is great and I am laughing so hard Im almost crying.
Oh and Dooce, I heard today that Fred Durst stole your woman Britney. wtf?
87. Eva said:
Just finished reading entire archives since you have been back....glad to see it, you slay me!
And about the pooping thing, I find that as you get older you apreciate it more ;-)
88. PD said:
I think it was in the movie "Rat Race" when one of the kids yells, "but Mommmmm, I'm prarie-dogging it!!!"
89. Irk said:
I think "out damn poop" has been my favorite so far.
Dooce, you do realize that I'm going to think of you every time I poop for at least the next week?
90. SC HAMMER said:
I always enjoy "dropping the kids off at the pool".
91. Xanthan said:
More colloquialisms:
1) Riding the porcelein Honda
2) Launching the shuttlecraft
3) Letting the monkeys free!
92. da said:
torpedos away!
93. da said:
don't you hate it when you're walking the dog and he stops to take his daily dump, he glances your way and catches you watching him and you get "the" look that says, "what the fuck is wrong with you? turn around you sicko"
94. Chizantski said:
now that was funny! huh he
95. flashy said:
I've never been able to poop on any public restroom, I actually admire those who don't give a shit, ironic huh?
96. Seth said:
95+ comments coming from a five word post has _got_ to be a record of some kind...
97. Alex said:
I have a friend whose 8 month old daughter is potty trained.... It's both amazingly cool and disturbingly freaky. And that's the scoop, poop!
98. Natasha said:
My favorite pooping story involves my best friend. Her two-year-old little boy's favorite pasttime is to flush objects down the toilet. Last week, he flushed three of the family's toothbrushes down the can. The toilet was clogged all day. Her mother was babysitting the children the next day, and, despite the clogged toilet...she took a shit. When my friend came home, she had to reach her hand up, THROUGH THE SHIT, to yank out the toothbrushes. Totally gross. All I had to say to her was, "Better you than me!" Needless to say, she wanted to kill her mother. :)
99. Cindy said:
When the owner of a local store saw my boyfriend and me eyeing some licorice, he told us the blue raspberry made his poop turn blue. We bought the peach instead.
100. shotwise said:
too much coffee, right as the buzz kicks in
101. peggy said:
Oh dammit. Now I'm having flashbacks of that time I ate too many pistachio nuts. The red ones.
102. Blondincharg said:
I'm on a high-protein diet and my experience is the opposite of the others here...
I mean, I have pooped like 4-5 times daily and I am sure that at least 10 of the 15 pounds I've recently lost have been ALL feces :) Where is it all coming from...are my legs and arms and feet holding sh*t? It won't stop and I know I'm not eating that much...OH well, they won't tell you this in the Body for LIfe book, but beware, it'll happne to you to and the fun, earthy smell you'll acquire will impress your friends (what ones you'll have left after about 2 weeks)