Anvil Latrine
Wednesday, January 8 2003
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Here's what I don't understand: what I don't understand is how those people expect me to believe that Avril Lavigne is the "alternative" to Britney Spears.
Those people just expect me to lie down and get over the fact that this Avril creation, someone so insipidly sterile that the only thing even slightly askew about her persona is that she's Canadian, knows the first thing about complication. I mean, complicated would be if she could knot that fucking necktie around a breast, you know what I'm saying?
And I'm like, first of all, who the hell would name a kid Avril? Avril? And I'm thinking, it has to be the same people who find themselves compelled to assign gender to inanimate objects, that's who. And I'm thinking, since when did we take those people seriously?
And maybe it's just the notion that she's an "alternative," as if what she's doing is any different than what Britney's been doing since she first did a back-hand-spring into my heart. Those people are bragging that Avril is writing her own music and playing her own instruments, and I'm like, since when did our pop stars need to do anything of that sort? If a pop star wrote her own music or played her own instruments she wouldn't be a pop star. She'd be a musician.
And people, this world is too full of musicians. We need more Britneys, especially ones in red leather space suits.
And I guess what I'm thinking is that those people know that Avril Lavigne is the safe alternative to Britney: a boob-less droid groomed to stir up teen girl masses into a false sense of gritty rebellion, one who will get them thinking about something, anything other than their sexuality. And I think it totally stinks. Avril is a sexless she-boy, and she's systematically undoing the lustrous sense of sexual awareness Britney gift-wrapped and laid at the feet of Puritan America for over four wonderful, boob-filled years.
And if this means that I've got to drive to Louisiana and pick Britney off her massive drunk ass myself, I will get her back, and together we will show the world once again that the best pop stars are the ones who can be confused all too easily with porn stars.
- Pull a chair up with the hyrup
Thursday, 14 August 2008 - Short stack
Tuesday, 12 August 2008 - Doppelgänger
Monday, 11 August 2008 - Four years
Friday, 08 August 2008 - The girl in the window
Wednesday, 06 August 2008
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1. vibegrrl said:
At least, if they're going to make her up to slightly resemble some sort of rock-chick instead of the pop-chick she REALLY is, they could teach her how to pronounce David Bowie's name, so, you know, she could at LEAST pretend she knows who he is, instead of MASSIVELY embarassing herself by assuming (out loud) that it rhymes with HOWIE.
2. poop on a stick said:
so its the canadians who assign gender to inanimate objects????
3. brittney said:
Every time I see Avril with her mouth wide open, showing off her extra-long canines in an attempt to look edgy and badass, I want to put my fist in it.
God help me if she bit down.
4. Anonymous said:
I just want to say that Dooce is just classy as all heck for not being tempted to mention that she currently has 198 comments - no that's not a misprint - on yesterday's post. And to follow it up with such a tight & cleverly-written piece like this. *doffs her cap* Back-to-back gold, Dooce!
(Though what it says about the rest of us that yesterday's topic could provoke so much discussion, I'm not sure...)
5. ChibaCity said:
'Hit it...
New York, London, Paris, Munich
Everybody talk about pop musik'
6. PistolPete said:
Granted, no teenager gets where what's her fuck is without a huge amount of record label puppeteering, but wouldn't you rather have the pigtail and retainer crowd inspired to write and create instead of simply taking orders and dressing like hoze? Give me a dozen Fiona Apples over Britney's melons any day.
7. Katie said:
I guess Avril couldn't pronounce David Bowie's name the other day at the Grammy Award Nominations. So Britney didn't know where Australia was and Avril has never heard of David Bowie. Yeah, they're about on the same page.
8. Keith said:
Avril does not write her own stuff!!!! This group of singer-songwriters called Mercy Street came into our office to perform their new song, coincidentally also called "Complicated," which they co-wrote with a pair of guys who coincidentally turned around and began writing with this young Canadian tart named Avril Lavigne. There's just way too many coincidences there for me not to think that strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Additionally, someone I know tried interviewing Advil Latrine at the KIIS Jingle Ball this year back here in your forsaken land of Los Angeles and said she was a total whiny little bitch. Which is basically what she is in her songs as well. She's no musician. She's a manufactured pop star.
9. Igor said:
She'd be called Avril because that's the French word for April and she's from Canada which suggests some French roots in her past. As far as attitude, intelligence or intent is concerned : she's a woman and by that expedient alone more dangerous than your multi-megatonne thermonuclear warhead. Which in turn could lead to some choice rude comments which I'll refrain from making. Have a very nice, cold, day instead.
10. Michael said:
I thought Avril WAS a boy!
11. sigh@tsktsk.com said:
You're not a music expert at all, are you?
12. John C said:
If you watch the video for 'complicated' and wait until the very end, she does this petulent facial expression that makes me want to throw my TV out the window. Go watch it (but turn the sound off), you'll see what I mean.
13. Jason Kill said:
At least when Avril makes that first TV appearance with ("I don't believe it") new DD boobs, she won't be able to feed us that line about, "Well, I reckon I'm just a maturing woman golly gee." (gun shot)
14. peggy said:
Now wait, is (*ouch*) she the one (*ouch*, already) dating Dustin Timberland?
(Sorry. Got one of my tits caught in my love beads.)
15. erika said:
I don't know if it was unintentional or what, but thanx for getting that stupid "complicated" song stuck in my head Life without that Avril girl was so much better.
16. aubs said:
I've officially added her to the group that needs to be hermetically sealed in a dark room with no windows together: Christina Aguilera and Carrot Top. May they fester in their own vileness forever.
17. Zeek said:
Report from the cold white north: Yah, I saw an interview with that twit about a year or two ago when that song came out. She was only 15 or something like that at the time, but the chick was trying to pull this wise-beyond-her-years bullshit and talking about relationships and things that inspire her songwriting... I honestly wanted to hit her, or as SB would put it, beat her senseless with the nearest available copy of the babysitters club.
18. owen said:
Avril who?
19. dobbins said:
lord god, i can't wait to see what the comments look like after the canadians wake up. it's cold there you know, and they need their rest. as for me i'm waiting by the television/vcr with a blank tape ready to record the cribs episode that features avril's house. or is it hoose?
either way.
20. geet said:
Bring on the red leather space suits!
21. Brandon said:
She's a menace and must be stopped!!
Actually, I'm just trying to pretend I know who this girl is. What is it about turning 30 that sucks you into the NPR/Talk Radio crowd? Honestly, the last time I knew who all the bands were or what they looked like I was wearing ripped jeans and def leppard t-shirts. Oh well.
To stay on topic I figured I should share this with you.
22. Marie said:
Eep. As -french- canadian, I somehow feel the need to defend my people.
Avril as a girl's name, as far as I know, would be the very unwanted child of french roots and of those people who find themselves compelled to assign months' names to animate people. April? May? Eesh. You guys are as much to blame for the horror that is Avril.
(and for the record, I really like this site. It's nothing personal.)
23. Funtime Ben said:
What we mustn't forget is that there is a bridge between Advil and Brittany, in that, someday they both will become porn stars.
More boobs, less song-writing.
24. Alex said:
You know what's worse than Avril? Walnuts! I sure do hate walnuts!
Seriously though, I would love to go back in time so that my 17 year old self could kick the living "complication" out her while yelling, "How punk are you now, beyotch!?" The fact that she doesnít know who David Bowie is just shows her age ñ granted I knew who Bowie was at her age ñ sheís just a kid making grimaces thinking itís cute. There is nothing new or inventive that this girl has done (on any level) which would merit any sort of recognition or praise.
To add insult to injury, however, is the fact that Rolling Stone featured her in the "Women that Rock" issue. That is a slap in the face to the women who were left out or had only one or two lines or paragraphs next to their name. Women who rock are Patti Smith, Joan Jett, the Donnas and the like, not this little girl even if she can strum one or two chords or her guitar.
Personally, I could care less if her name is Avril, Agril, Aspril she is still a nincompoop prop for the sanitized portion of the music industry. As far as Brittney, at least she is an honest to goodness slutty chick because she WANTS to be, and that takes more chutzpah than wearing a fucking tie sans collar.
25. antisocialdiva said:
so britney kicks avril's ass, but where does christina fit in? i've always thought she was beneath britney but she does have the porn star thing down to a science
26. Billy said:
Avril? Reminds me I need an Advil.
27. beth said:
i worked Avril's show last night... and she's a passable pop confection. i utterly fail to understand who decided to market her as punk. *snort* as if. what was funny about working the show was watching the entire crowd of 12 to 14 year old girls work *so hard at being punk. they did try, really. ;)
28. Canadian Amy said:
Avril = French for April... and you know how those Napanee hick-townies like to culture themselves up and pretend they're part of the minority instead of just accepting their plain old mungie-cake, white-trash townie Ontario identities... I mean, did they forget that French or "Anglais"... they're still just Canadians and will not become honorary Europeans no matter how many accents they put around their letters...
29. paperdog said:
I usually just hang out in the background, but because I personally feel that Avril is one of the most *vile* human beings ever to wear a pair of Dickies I must comment...
She makes my ears bleed.
30. PJ said:
My son's Nickelodeon mag came yesterday, and guess who is on the cover??!! There is an interview with her inside. Here are a few tidbits:
Q: What do you miss most about your hometown, Napanee, Canada?
A: I miss the pizza. My favorite pizza place is called La Pizzeria. It has the best pizza in the world.
Q: What was the first song that you wrote?
A: It was called 'Can't Stop Thinking About You.' It was a cheesy little love song. I was fourteen. It was actually pretty good.
For more hard-hitting questions and answers, go buy your own copy.
31. shotwise said:
Avril's French for April, eh? If I name my daughter Germinal, will that win her any acclaim?
32. canadian shy said:
askew? canadians? huh.
i didn't mind avril until she pronounced david bowie's name wrong on national television. i'm sorry. but that's unforgivable.
33. canadian shy (again) said:
avril is from napanee, canada? that's funny. i remember going on a school trip to the states. but before we got there, we got lost in napanee for a god-awfull three hours. brian orser is also from napanee... and he never had a fling with brian boitano, contrary to popular belief.
34. Beerzie Boy said:
If I had a daughter, i would want her to be like Avril; if I had a sex toy, I would wanter to be like Britney.
But really, I'm far too old to spend this much time on teen pop stars.
35. . said:
Avril-french for April, no biggie if you are actually from Canada where French is an official language, her parents have to be french Canadian...
36. petit hiboux said:
let me introduce my award-winning concept to this fine audience:
Crimes For Humanity.
after careful consideration of your input, sealing avril lavrigne's mouth shut with stitches definitely makes the cut.
thank you for endorsing Crimes For Humanity. your contribution has made a vast difference.
37. Rex said:
Wow, isn't this stuff designed for fifteen year olds? Go make yourself a martini and chill out.
38. . said:
Canadian Amy must be from Alberta... she's got that whole "holier than thou" attitude on. Despite being better than you westerners, we Ontario'ans, don't actually think it you know.
39. Rex said:
I think the coolest thing about her is that she pronounced Bowies name wrong - even if unintential, it's great to hear so many people fired up about it, like how dare she not know who he is.
40. Pascale Soleil said:
Everyone in England calls him "Bowie rhymes with Howie". And he CAME from there.
41. L.A. Grump said:
Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears are both corporate rock creations, brought about to separate teenage girls from their money. Avril being nominated for Best New ARTIST is bullshit. Of course the Grammy people have never heard of Interpol or Rjd2. What would expect from an institution who gave that award in '77 to Taste of Honey over Elvis Costello and the Cars?
42. jen said:
I have to throw my hat in for the defence of Avril, as is it French for April and yes, some of us do speak French in Canada even in Alberta. Apologies for baffling the Americans with the names of Canadian provinces.
Comparing Brittany and Avril seems a little like comparing apples to, well, grapes or something.
43. Your Correctional Officer said:
Being Canadian I'd just like to say a few things:
1) I'm very sorry, so very sorry for releasing Avril on you.
2) French is one of TWO official languages. Not everyone from Canada is french, only a relatively small portion of the population. The rest are "eh" speaking quai-Americans with coffee addictions.
3) I'm also very very sorry for Brian Adams, Celine Dion and Jason Priestly. But we also gave you Pam Anderson, Dave Thomas and Mike Myers.
4) Unrelated, Charlotte Church announced to a Toronto crowd how much she "loves being in America" and is met with Stony silence. Britney also said that she had to fly overseas to get to Canada. Oy.
44. matty said:
pascale, the english people who call him bowie (rhyme with howie)speak with a dialect. you might notice those same brits calling him "dye-vid." so far as i know, our little avril doesn't speak with that particular dialect. certainly that dialect is often closely associated with punk, so perhaps she affected it in an effort to get to her "roots," but the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of her not knowing who ziggy stardust was.
45. Splinter said:
Heh. I'm Canadian.
Not amusing.
And here we go again bashing the Canadians because of insecurity. If Americans have the big bad advanced country with all the artillery and talent and style, then why do they feel the need to bash our wee "no doot aboot it" country with the red coated RCMP and horses? Really people, what's with the stereotypes? It's not amusing anymore. Frankly, it's getting very old. And it only confirms your stupidity.(among other things)
As was already stated: And Avril Lavigne is a french name. Her first name is french for April. And nobody's pronouncing it right.
And no, I'm not a fan of her music. Nor of her appearance.
46. Tammy said:
I hate pop music.
47. Your Correctional Officer said:
Sorry, that was supposed to be "Bryan", "quasi-Americans", and "stony". It's way too early.
48. jason said:
but i will still totally do it with her.
49. Kyle said:
Hmmm. I think we should let Avril and Brit go toe-to-toe to solve this matter. With any luck neither will survive.
That said, Avril is the lesser (by far) of two evils in my opinion.
50. Angelique said:
the little bitch cant even skate.
what i wouldnt give to see her spill off a handrail, though. her face may actually have some character after becoming one with a set of cement stairs. as it stands, i've seen more facial character from gumby than this bitch.
51. April said:
Avril no good? I suppose we could rename her Shi Yueh. :-D
52. Chip Tijuana said:
I can't believe I just wasted all that time reading a rant about Avril Lavigne vs Britney Spears. And I can't believe someone wasted all that time writing a rant about Avril Lavigne vs Britney Spears. But since I wasted my time, and you wasted yours here's my response, I like boobs, but Britney still SUCKS. I'm not much of an Avril fan either, but she's much better than Britney, cause anyone can get plastic boobs, talent on the other hand, is harder to come by.
53. Your Correctional Officer said:
Man, Chip, SOMEONE's a Christina fan...
54. jub said:
Matty - sorry to be a pedantic aggressor, but I've had a hard day at work and you're wrong. And I'll tell you why:
Whether people in the UK pronounce it Bowie (rhymes with Showy) or Bowie (rhymes with Howie) is one a mere bagatelles. Bit like the whole scone/scone thing. Okay: so the man himself might pronounce it a certain way, but I don't think he's infallible. If you pronounced your name "wanker" you would forgive someone pronouncing it Matty right? I think David would agree.
As for this whole dialect thing, Hm. Someone doesn't know the difference between accent and dialect..... You speak with an accent, but a dialect is the words you actually say and the grammar you use, dependant on (usually) the region you live in. So the way you pronounce it is a matter of accent, not dialect.
But she certainly is a very silly girl.
55. xoxox said:
In Avril's defense, at least she can sing, as opposed to Britney who is amazing to look at and fantasize about but can't do more than lip sync. But no matter how much Avril denies it, she's a pop artist with feigned teen angst used to get kids on her bandwagon. Christina and Avril's managers should have gone the Mili Vanilli way and used other people for their images until they learned some style.
56. Danika said:
I just have to say that Avril is the biggest airhead around and she can't actually sing! All she does is yell and pretend its singing. She was interviewed at my local radio station and I really couldn't believe what a moron she was... especially since everyone was preaching how great she is.
Now please don't bash Canadians just because she is a Canadian...
57. dooce said:
just so everyone knows, i love Canadians. they are some of the most huggable and squeezable people on the planet. before anyone goes screaming that jesus!, now she's bashing canadians, i wrote it to mean that if the only thing slightly askew aboot, oops, about her persona is that she's Canadian, it means there's nothing even slightly askew about her persona. people, i LOVE michael j. fox. for real.
58. TheRedhead said:
Dooce, it only makes sense that America Junior...excuse me, Canada...would produce someone so clearly inferior to Britney. I mean Avril wouldn't even live up to the name Britney Junior.
59. Chris said:
I think the whole Avril Lavigne thing is kind of cute. It's like when my friend puts on a CD and his little daughters dance around and pretend that they are rockin'.
60. uncle!uncle! said:
I'm still plagued by visions of the bug in the eye thing. Somehow neither Avril nor Brittney are enough to get rid of it. Help me.
61. Verbal said:
Britney is a talentless, ugly whore. I hate Avril, too.
62. uncle!uncle! said:
Oh that made me feel better.
63. Splinter said:
I guess you can also say how funny it is that too many people are remarking on the fact that Avril and britney are horrible singers. Are YOU a singer? Where're YOUR million dollar sales?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
64. Verbal said:
You don't have to possess talent to realize where it isn't.
65. Billie Jean said:
(side note: Michael J. Fox is Canadian?)
I dunno Dooce...Michael Jackson wrote his own songs and he is the King of Pop (was? Can you ever stop being a king?).
66. Verbal said:
You stop being a king when you start being a queen.
67. Dave Thomas said:
Splinter, my chilly friend, with all the producers and marketers at these ladies' disposal, what makes you think they need your defense? It's about as useful to them as real musical talent, which is to say not at all. All they're really required to bring to the party is real and honest talent for entertaining. Based on that criteria, Dooce argues, Avril comes up short. Because unlike Britney, she's promising something (punk cred) that she simply can't deliver. By the way, only two people have even mentioned the girls' singing chops, and one of those was in praise, so what are you complaining about? I only wish 50% of everyone liked me. in conclusion: Simply being Canadian usually does not impair one's ability to entertain. Usually.
68. April Levine said:
Bitch stole my name! Ima put a foot up her ass the next time she comes Brooklyn side!
69. jen said:
Splinter, don't diss the dooce man. I am rabidly pro-Canadian, being one myself. But don't be an ass so that we are next after Iraq dude.
And by the by. America Junior? ha.
70. SVEN said:
Does it really matter that Avril is Canadian? No talent is still no talent regardless of nationality!
71. D said:
In any case, is there anything worst than that stupid "Sk8ter Boi" song?
72. jen said:
Hey cool, I was comment #69.
And that should read, don't diss the dooce, man. I know dooce is not a man, but a lovely cher singing lady.
73. Dave Thomas said:
Damn, D, did you miss yesterday's post?
74. j. brotherlove said:
How much am I loving you, right now?!
75. uh-oh said:
Let me just begin with a little apology.
"We're all so sorry that we can't be as discriminatory and pretentious
as Dooce".
I'm sure she's been super-core and ultra hip her entire life. She was
probably born in chuck tailors and a vintage pea coat. At Avril's age,
I'm sure Dooce was listening to the Cure and wearing black eye liner
(hey, I know someone else who loves black eyeliner) long before anyone
else. I can tell that anti-mormon angst routine (it's just such a hard
life to be raised in a happy mormon household) must come from a much
more authentic place then Avril's girl power act.
It's pretty low to take a shot at someone's name, so I shouldn't even
dignify the insult by addressing it, but I will anyway. Not to threaten
the little North American box Dooce is stuck in, but Avril's first name,
like her
last name Lavigne is a traditional Israeli name. And, to address
another cheap shot, with a Canadian accent, Bowie would be pronounced
like Howie. Even dinosaurs like Dooce who are O.G. Bowie fans from
Canada would pronounce it that way because of the accent.
Just because she's mildly retarded doesn't mean that there isn't still
some value in the argument that if there are going to be little
pop-cicles running around, one who isn't a total whore is better than
none! It's a double edged sword for these girls; if they
aren't walking around half naked they're wanna-be sexless drones and
if they are half naked, they're sluts.
I love Britney too, but ever since I had two really random dreams about
Avril being my friend, I'm on the Avril train. I guess since, in the
dream I was trying to give her advice about not wearing such lame
clothes and telling her she has to stop saying that her band "rocks out
live", I've developed a weird maternal protective instinct for Avril.
I'm guessing that Dooce is just like I was pre-Avril dreams, in complete
denial that she hates Avril because she was exactly like her at age 16.
I can admit when someone sucks, and trust me, I won't be running out to
buy her cd and striped neck tie, but I'm over people dissing Avril.
It's just too easy. It's like hitting a kid with glasses.
76. Brandon said:
Everybody knows that truly talented artists produce music suitable for a Mitsubishi commercial. And all you really have to ask yourself is...do they drive cars in Canada?
77. dooce said:
who's the Cure?
78. jen said:
Avril is a Celtic/English vaiant of April. Canucks are still attached to the UK, or at least were for about a 100 years. Lot of brits there.
The fact she has a name liek that, with a french last name only SINGS OUT she's been on a few a back bacon benders.
79. annie said:
right on.
80. Dave Thomas said:
uh oh, you windy twit: Yes, dissing Avril is easy. But knocking her IN FAVOR of a ho like Britney is a trick combination shot if I've ever seen one. Discover subtext and maybe one day you'll appreciate the layered joys of show-off writing.
81. Sarah B. said:
My friend Erin summed Avril up the best when she said, "So, she's punk because, like, she's Canadian and she has some slap bracelets from Hot Topic?"
82. tyd said:
who's the Cure?
that was funny..
83. Shane said:
Dooce, you may have just inspired the next claymation masterpiece - the Avril vs. Britney Celebrity Deathmatch.
The winner continues with their lipsyncing career; the loser pays a visit to Marvin Edelman.
84. marco said:
Letterman last night.
Interpol? Methinks stealing Joy Division as a fashion statement. Like Aw-vril, it's hard to watch originals once/twice/three-time removed...
85. S. said:
Hm. I disliked Avril from the start, but this ever-heavier bandwagon of people who now dislike her make me feel less special and militant about the whole thing. Parties aren't as fun with so many people around.
It's like when REM got big all over again.
86. Splinter said:
Actually I wasn't "dissing Dooce." I was "dissing" the morons who bash Canada. Please read my comments properly.
I wasn't defending Avril, nor Britney, Dave Thomas. And no. Not only two people mentioned Avril's and Britney's lack of talent... read through all of the comments carefully.
And I said I'm not a fan of Avril's music (same goes for Britney), but obviously there's something there if millions buy their records.
Now if we were arguing Milli Vanilli's talent and I remarked that they are in fact talented, THEN you can shoot me in the head for being stupid.
Carry on if you must.
87. Silke said:
down with pop stars!! up with big american thighs in miniskirts!
silke
88. Amanda Lew said:
Wonderful post. Agreed on all accounts. I do know that she is titled 'Avril' 'cause it's the french word for 'April', although oddly enough was born in, like, September or some other month (I do suppose I could be embarassed to know that). Second, the only 'anti-Britney' in my book is death. So someone, please give those people the message that nothin' else is gonna stop me.
89. A different Erika said:
I think Christina needs to be mentioned more. She is so gross that I cant help but love it. Also, dirrtyness aside (lol) she can actually sing - no?
When I read Dooces' post I thought she meant being Canadian made her different not bad because shes Canadian. Did I read that wrong?
Btw, uh-oh how long did it take to write that email exactly?
90. Ariel said:
RE: Christina. Her new video/song is actually quite nice. A welcome break from the dirrty, nassty, fillthy last video.
But can we talk about Justin Timberlake instead?
91. chunderchud said:
Right on, Thomas -- thank goodness someone's paying attention.
I'm with you, Dooce. I mean, don't you hate it when what you're served at a restaurant ends up being something completely different from what you thought you ordered. So dissappointing.
Now, if you really want to get something started: What's the difference b/t Avril and, say, Allanis?
Oh Canada -- you'll always have Rush.
92. Dave Thomas said:
Splinter:
"I guess you can also say how funny it is that too many people are remarking on the fact that Avril and britney are horrible singers. Are YOU a singer? Where're YOUR million dollar sales?"
That's what a defense looks like. You don't have to be a fan in order to mount one.
As for the other thing, notice how you specifically moaned about all the people who were calling the girls "horrible singers." Okay, here they all are:
#1
xoxox thinks:
In Avril's defense, at least she can sing
#2
Danika thinks:
I just have to say that Avril is the biggest airhead around and she can't actually sing!
And then came your defense. Which is precisely when I became right, thereby winning the stupidest dispute in the history of the information superhighway.
Finally, I like Canada alot. I think most people do, which is precisely why it's so funny to make fun of it. Thanks for making it even funner.
93. moose said:
"If a pop star wrote her own music or played her own instruments she wouldn't be a pop star. She'd be a musician."
god i loved that.
94. A diff Erika said:
I'm sorry if anyone gets mad but Rush sucks!
95. A diff Erika said:
btw kids, let's not forget The Bare Naked Ladies
96. TheWorm said:
It looks like hackers have decided that the ultimate form of punishment is to send people to Avril Livigne's web site. Introducing the Avril Lavigne Virus.
97. Danika said:
I didn't think Dooce was making fun of Canada... I was talking to others who were or are going to LOL
I'm Canadian and I have never pronounced Bowie the way Avril did... she didn't pronounce it wrong because of a Canadian accent.
98. Avril's Mom said:
Poo.
99. sourbob said:
If Anvil's own "music" weren't bad enough, the writing/production team behind her manure is now hard at work stinking up the next Liz Phair record.
Ah, Liz... how far we have fallen.
100. uh-oh said:
DAVE THOMAS:
You busted yourself for being a pretentious dinosaur by using the word ?twit?, and if you call that little ranting show-off writing, you need to find a world outside of ?¸ber-cool? websites and find your way into a library.
101. ericalynn said:
wait, wait. Dooce, aren't you related to someone named September? Just seems sort of unfair that you'd bash Avril's name when you were spawn from the same sort of name-game'd parents...
102. Dave Thomas said:
Look, you're welcome to dislike the rant. Just try and get it first.
103. jwes said:
wouldn't that be sevtember?
104. dooce said:
ericalynn: not only am I related to someone named September, but I'm also related to someone named Ranger. Ranger! i've been bashing my parents my ENTIRE LIFE for this travesty, especially since they never smoked any pot and have no excuse. i'm totally an equal opportunity basher.
105. the husband said:
Avril. If ye only knew.
This is why the internet fucking blows chunks of donkey ass. Geeks, all.
106. jess said:
i would just like to point out that i'm canadian. and i don't pronounce david bowie's last name like 'howie'. and i'd just like to say that blaming that mistake on an accent is ridiculous. i say that if you can't pronounce david bowie's last name, you deserve to be made fun of. so there.
107. Smoothgrind said:
This is right off Advil's website...feel free to chuckle quietly.
Anything but ordinary. That's putting it mildly when describing Avril Lavigne. A skater-punk, a dynamic spirit, a true wild child. One of those rare creatures who started wowing people with her voice and character at around age 2. A small-town kid who couldn't sit still in class but had the confidence and determination to take off, virtually on her own, to hone her songwriting skills in New York City and Los Angeles. A startlingly up-front and outrageous 17-year-old with everything it takes to reach stardom-completely on her own terms. "I'm just coming out and I'm going to clearly be myself-I write what I feel, I never worry what others think, " Avril avows. "I'm gonna dress what's me, I'm gonna act what's me and I'm gonna sing what's me."
108. the mighty jimbo said:
britney is a barely tallented playboy pictoral waiting to happen (good lord we can hardly wait). avil is a poor corporate attempt to recapture the artistic and commercial glory of what was jagged little pill, and christina is the single most impressive voice to hit my ears in 20 years. so sad it is attached to a media whore's body. and all of them are trying to do what madonna did 20 years ago and is still doing today: simultaneously being sexy, dangerous, relevant, marketable, controversial, and culturally fucking clairvoiant.
but that's just my $.02. what the hell do i know? i air guitar to glam rock with wild, reckless abandon.
109. shy said:
well shit... gone all day and come back and boom! dooce.com's comment section becomes celeb-like controversies! w00t!
to uh-oh. chill. you don't have to like what people say on THEIR site. if you want to vent, then vent on YOUR site. sheesh. besides... i saw this post as light, funny and creative. i don't think it was anything meant to be printed in stone.
dooce... i actually took it as a compliment of what you said about canadians. thank-you.
btw, don't you thik christina aguliera or however you spell her name is more the anti-britany? example... she poses for penthouse while britany announces her virginity to the world.
110. uh-oh said:
shy-
so people who have different opinions than dooce's shouldn't post here?
111. liz! said:
Rumour has it that "Avril" started out doing country music and that she was pretty much asked to do this whole punk rock/sk8r girl thing to cash in and that she doesn't even like what she's doing.
I wouldn't doubt it.
112. black girl said:
Jesus, a lot of people are thinking about this...
113. Anonymous said:
Dave Thomas, you're a spunk :)
114. P.J. said:
Christina posed in Penthouse?
115. Dave Thomas said:
Yeah, but look at how much fun that kid is having?
116. anna said:
all i know is that when i was 13 i would have killed or died to be any one of the trampy sell-out hoes everyone is ranting about.
anything would have been better than that pale peach t-dyed oversized t-shirt with leggings to match that i used to wear with my chinese slip on shoes.
god, was i ever a geekball.
really though - no one will ever be as pop-slut-punk-rock as pat benetar was.
sigh. love really IS a battlefeild, you know?
117. connie said:
Just wanted to post this link to someone who knew Avril in high school, and it doesn't paint a pretty picture:
http://mb.pick-me.net/viewthread.php?tid=84
118. Avrils Best Friend said:
Oh yeah....I went to school with her too....uh, yeah...
119. Suzy said:
HA HA BEN said ADVIL ...
Dooce if you got to do Brittney would you let the "Avril-April-Advil" chick watch?
NPR RULES ... I have no idea who this canadian is..
120. whatevrnvrmind said:
You know, I'll bet you miss stuff like this happening where you live. I know you do.
121. dennis said:
With few exceptions, mainstream music hasn't had anything new or decent to offer since Synchronicity. If you want to hear anything good, you look at what record companies pass up. Yeah, I'm a music snob. AND Canadian (you're welcome for Neil!!) ;)
122. Aly said:
ì100% Discriminatory and Pretentiousî should be your next tagline. It has a nice ring.
123. Mintyfresh said:
With all due respect to your Britney-loving persona, I think they are all disposable.
To quote good ol' Sandra:
"Just give me an old-fashioned, sweaty, big-tittied bitch of rock & roll, OK? Give me Joan Jett with a shag haircut and black eye. Give me Pat Benatar. Give me Alannah Myles. For Christ sake, give me Ann and Nancy Wilson. Now, when these women wrote a lyric and sang it, you knew they had lived it. Honey, they wrote it, they sang it, they fucked it, they snorted it, they lived the shit, OK? They invented the road. They did things that would break these little bitches in half."
124. Jane said:
Well Aly, it is Dooce's blog so she can say whatever the hell she wants to say; that's what we all have blogs for: to voice our opinions. That's what the First Amendment is all about, isn't it? We're all entitled to our opinions. ì100% Discriminatory and Pretentiousî??? It's not like Dooce dislikes Avril because of how she dresses; she dislikes her because she is trying to portray an image that she isn't. I'm not punk, yet I know what punk is. It's not Avril.
125. Verbal said:
DAVE THOMAS? MORE LIKE "DILDO" THOMAS! Hahaha, making fun of names is comedy gold!!
Oh, and I thought everyone should know: "Avril" means "April" in French or Swahili or something. Just to clear that up.
126. Aly said:
Dearest Plain Jane,
Apparently you missed the sarcasm in my comment. The jab was aimed at Uh-Oh, not Dooce. Why am I explaining this? Sarcasm loses all humor once dummified.
127. Jane said:
I think that by now we ALL know that Avril is French for April. And if someone doesn't know that by now (after reading 125 comments and like half of them mentioning this same topic, over and over again) here it is hopefully for the last time.
Avril = French = April
One more comment like that and I will jump off a very tall bridge and shoot myself on the way down.
128. Brenda said:
I think it's amazing that that there have been 126 comments about the stirring Avril vs. Britney issue. Seriously people. I got as far as the Alberta-bashing... Canadians bashing other parts of Canada is one of the most amazingly lame things in the world.
129. Jane said:
Then Aly I owe you an apology. Sorry. I didn't quite get the sarcasm, but then again I never do. I don't get sarcasm and I guess I was too quick to jump up and defend Dooce. Again, sorry.
130. Aly said:
Thanks, but I really wasnít expecting an apology. Anyway, consider this done. Lets movie aside and let the Adore Avril vs. Abhor Avril battle resume.
131. edmund bernard said:
i heard that avril lavigne didn't know who the sex pistols are. whoa. i must be getting old. i wonder if she knows who The Cure are? By the way, when do we all expect The Cure to come back in style? if you're jonesin' for some good music, pick up The Cure's first album "3 Imaginary Boys", i love that friggin album, no electronic, mumbly crap, just straight forward minimalist punk.
132. David said:
OK, it's just gonna be me that admits to finding her attractive then? Fine. Let the stoning commence.
133. jason said:
Dooce I cannot believe you missed the whole avril-april thing.
You might as well not know where Australia is and not know how to pronounce David Bowie's name. Avril, Britney & Dooce, the new three stooges.
134. Me said:
All you bitches need to get back to discussing yesterday's topic .
135. Summer said:
Ya'll lost me at hello.
136. *scaldron said:
you have to check this out. I think you'll get a kick out of it >>
http://www.otisfodder.com/365days/
archive/005.html
137. Lisa said:
I remember when this site was about hearing a great writer's opinions and not attacking anyone. Can't everyone just be fucking nice?
138. ericalynn said:
As long as you are an equal opportunity basher, then continue on :) I just wanted to make sure!
fwiw, my uncle's last name means penis in German...
139. EC said:
Who is Avril Lavigne? Celine Dion's sister?
140. yara said:
Avril is the first of the generation that grew up thinking Green Day is punk and never hearing the Sex Pistols or the Clash. god help us all that they're starting to get record deals and Grammy nominations.
141. DryerFresh said:
I think we all need to just calm down and think about the real issue here: Britney is hot! Avril, not so much.
142. Natasha said:
I think Avril is a nice French name--but I also think Avril LAVIGNE sucks. Big time. She thinks she's being all cool and individual, when in reality she's just as packaged and fake as the rest. And seriously: at least Britney's HOT.
143. lady talon said:
I see a lot of people are getting very defensive about the name Avril, which is quite definitely a legitimate name if you're French, but I'm fairly sure this Avril Lavigne girl was born April Levine. And in the great tradition of those like Erykah Badu, she decided her name wasn't good enough as it was and wanted it to look more exotic. And French.
144. Matej said:
I'd like to think that I'm a fairly average male, at least in that I have all the average, healthy male desires and urges. So I'm not even going to bother to deny the kind of thoughts I have while watching a Britney Spears video.
But Avril Lavigne sexless? Bitch is hot! I'd choose her over Britney any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
I guess I can agree with the rest of what you said, even if my mother tongue also ascribes gender to objects. But whatcha gonna do?
145. Igor said:
For being Hollywood markedroid spawn Avril is certainly getting a lot of debate about her, isn't she ? So maybe she's a real rebel after all ? She maybe used the beancounter to bankroll her bid for success and decent health-insurance ?
146. Igor said:
Further to the "boob-less droid" theme, I wonder whether women have an unspoken pecking order that depends on the size and/or shape of their mammaries, Alpha female style.
147. beth said:
I hate all three of the anti-brittanys passionately: Michelle, Avril, and Vanessa, because they define themselves as something they aren't (Brittany) as opposed to something they are (?). Their marketing tactics make me ill. This is something I rant about a lot. Good topic. Go Brittany.
148. kane said:
Just for you: Britney
149. amanda said:
What is up with that name? It sounds like a disease, as in "poor girl, she's come down with a bad case of avril."
150. Vera said:
No way, Ericalynn. What is it - Pimmel? Schwanz?
151. peggy said:
(Whew, finally got my tit out.) I've been to Toronto twice. Hey, who's Neil Young?
152. Kerry said:
Ericanlynn - Your uncle's last name is schfonz?
153. Kerry said:
Or Schwanz. However you spell it.
154. philippe said:
As we speak french in france I know avril is french for april.
But, still, who the hell would name a kid Avril?.
And who's David Howie ?
155. ericalynn said:
yes. His name is Karsten Schwans. And he is a professor at Georgia Tech if you want to check him out online:) I think he drops the last S at school, though :)
156. jakemonO said:
Umm...Is Shakira the real deal? I can't escape the feeling that she's actually got talent. Any takers?
157. matty said:
oh jub.
so sad to be you. i study dialects for a living, so i can say, for a certainty, that a dialect, while encompassing regional grammar etc, also covers pronunciation differences within the same language, i.e.: cockney vs. RP vs. midwestern. an accent, my friend is the pronunciation differences that occur when one natively speaks a whole other language and affects a new one, i.e.: someone who speaks urdu who has learned english.
jub. jub. (bird.) if you want to correct someone after your long day, get your fucking facts straight.
also, you might have noticed that i was corrcting pascale's erroneous assumption with my post. he was the one who defended avril with dialectical reason. i said dialect didn't enter into it. as we've seen from various canadian posters here, the canadian dialect doesn't leave room for mispronouncing the glam-king's name.
enough already.
158. Danika said:
Mmmm Shakira is definately on my list of women I would switch for! Not only is she a talented singer she is also HOT!
159. Danika said:
I also want to add I like the new look and name... its much more acceptable to sit in my task bar now while the boss walks he isn't going to see it saying motherfu.. LOL
160. ms lauren said:
dman, i'm sick of pop, mtv, and the homogenized music industry.
here's my thing: if it's on mtv, it's pop. get over it.
give me an ugly indie musician anyday. it's the brilliance that gives them sex appeal, not red spacesuits or flawless skin.
ever seen a picture of elliott smith? yeah. i'd fuck him.
161. ms lauren said:
oh, and, for all of those boys who think female celbrities are the greek goddesses of the new millenium, google search these girls for pics without makeup. you'll see the real thing.
(i might say avril lavigne is one nasty byotch without the eyemakeup -- if i were to be catty)
162. jakemonO said:
As I understand it, a great many women in the entertainment industry are horrendous without pancake on. Which is not to say that they are unattractive by nature, my understanding is that hard partying (read into that everything you want) destroys their skin. The list includes Liz Hurley, Cameron Diaz, Pamel Anderson, etc.) In New York, one can ususally spot models by their phenominal bods and moonscape faces. Perhaps I'm just statiung the obvious here, I dunno.
Mmmm...Shakira...
163. leblanc said:
i can't believe you got 162 comments from people agreeing with you that yes, she sucks. if she sucks so bad, then why do y'all know who she is and what she does and whether she writes her songs or wears underwear? maybe if you hate pop culture so much you should stop watching t.v.
164. leblanc said:
oh, and one more thing. on this: "she's systematically undoing the lustrous sense of sexual awareness Britney gift-wrapped and laid at the feet of Puritan America for over four wonderful, boob-filled years."
is having sexual awareness now the same as being a stripper? so all women, in order to be sexually aware, should wear less clothing. because if you're in the habit of wearing too much clothing you must not be sexually aware, right?
165. Funtime Ben said:
Advil gave me something
166. Beth said:
Brittany/Britney - Advil/Avril...same difference.
167. shy said:
uh-huh -
of course you can post your own oppinions. but if you're going to do it, and it's not very classy or paints the picture of making assumptions of the author (which you did, btw, with that whole 'apologetic' beginning) then expect other commentators, such as myself, to have fun with your comments.
btw, as a canadian, please don't make assumptions that i pronounce bowie like howie.
168. Shane said:
Very timely of ZDNet...
Lirva worm attaches to Avril Lavigne
169. kidfarthest said:
I think that if Avril Lavigne sunk her long, smooth choppers into all this projected self-loathing y'all are churning out that it might make her a nice, tidy snack on the way to the bank to cash her next royalties check. I'm totally behind harmless Canadian skater chicks with age appropriate conversational abilities and passable, innocuous talent, who will, in my prayers, enjoy a blessedly short career in the limelight before they escape from the machinery of whoredom (you people grease the gears, care too much about these mass-marketed inconsequentialities, desire and consume, fuel the image machine that perpetuates your self-loathing). With any luck she will return to a new enjoyment of the underappreciated value of her podunk semi-rural Canadian life, once again worship mediocre pizza and think it grand, and with God's blessing she will try to reclaim her precious anonymity and attempt to grow up undeformed by all this unhealthy attention. Otherwise, the wolves are obviously hungry for another snack. I think y'all should wipe some of that froth off your jaws and look for more suitable targets than little girls, lost in the woods of the music business with their little red skater girl hoods on, and their plaid tie worn askew over a chest that none of you should be objectifying. God almighty... where's the compassion? What's the point of all this venom? Is Avril your real target?