On overcoming phobias
A couple of weeks ago when I was cleaning out my closet I found the black rubber tarantula that I bought several years ago in an attempt to scare Jon. He's been featured here many times (here, here, and most prominently here), so I think at this point he deserves a name. Everyone, meet Randall:
I just thought of something somewhat related, so bear with me for a second: we're all lying there in bed this morning, and just as I sleepily reach over to turn on the light, the toilet in the bathroom directly next to our bedroom makes some weird noises. Leta starts to freak out, is all WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE, and just as Jon tries to explain the basics of how water can sometimes seep through the mechanism and whatnot, I go, "There's a ghost on the toilet!"
Do not ask me why I would say something so obviously incendiary, so EFFING DUMB, because I guess I was half-awake, half-asleep, and I thought it would be funny? Ha ha! A GHOST! ON THE TOILET! And Jon is groaning while Leta goes, "A WHAT? A WHAAAAT?"
So I snap awake, and because I am so quick on my feet, so very good at yanking my foot out of my mouth because of my years and years of experience, I go, "TOAST! There's some toast! On the toilet!"
Leta wrinkled her nose, tilted her head much like Coco does when you make the slightest noise, and says, "Mom, you are so weird."
I will take weird over nightmares about ghosts on toilets ANY DAY.
Anyway, I tried once again to scare Jon with Randall by putting it underneath his pillow, and of course it didn't work. The dude just doesn't scare easily, and I will forgive him for this boring trait because I promised to love him until I die. He has plenty of other lovely characteristics that make up for this flaw. Give me a second and I'll think of some.
Maybe a couple of seconds.
So I'm climbing into bed three days later and I see that he's placed Randall right underneath my nightstand. Surprisingly, I don't jump three feet into the air or DIE, and the next morning when all four of us are lying there trying to wake up I lose my mind again, reach over and grab the tarantula, and toss it at Jon's head. Why? Why do I do these things? Someone needs to hold an intervention! Heather! Stop giving your five-year-old reasons to wake up screaming!
So Leta FAH-REAKS OUT. She is screaming and panicking and clutching to my arm as firmly as if I have her dangling over a pool of sharks. Jon commences groaning, and then we both start rattling off reasons as to why she should not be scared. It's a fake spider, Leta. It's rubber. It's not real. It has no feelings. You cannot make it sad. And then I shove the whole thing into my mouth which turns out to be the absolute WORST idea ever because then it's OH MY GOD YOU'VE GOT A SPIDER IN YOUR MOUTH!
And now that I've had a couple seconds to think about it, Jon is really patient. There. There it is. That's his lovely characteristic. Singular.
Because the following morning he spent well over an hour convincing Leta to touch the fake tarantula. It took that long, and he never raised his voice or got agitated, not once, and suddenly Leta walks into the living room HOLDING RANDALL IN HER HANDS. And I'm all LETA! And she goes MOM! LOOK! I AM COURAGEOUS!
That's the word she used. Courageous. Leta, I forgive you for all those years we had to take you to physical therapy only to find out that the diagnosis was STUBBORN.
So a few days go by, and I'm preparing Leta for a bath when Jon hands her a few pieces of black licorice. Like, why did he choose that time? Right then as she's about to take a bath? MINUS TEN POINTS FOR ABSENTMINDEDNESS, JON.
And I don't know if I've mentioned this enough here, but I hate black licorice. LOATHE IT. It is The Worst Tasting Taste in all of Tasteland. It's like, we're headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY!
Uggggghhhh.
The smell of it almost knocks me over, and I'm trying not to gag as I pour shampoo onto her hair, and she's just chomping away on all that awfulness. Suddenly she stops mid-chew, looks up at me with half-digested black death wedged between her teeth and says, "If I'm courageous enough to touch the spider, why can't you be courageous enough to try black licorice?"
OH YES SHE DID.
So I called Jon into the bathroom to demonstrate his lovely characteristic and patiently explain to her the VERY OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE. I don't think I need to elaborate on the difference, only to say that we're now setting aside money for law school.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Swedish Pankakes said:
Whatever you do, don't try Sen-Sen.
2. fantasyland@gmail.com said:
Black licorice is horrible and my mother used to try to convince me to eat it in several different forms, including expensive anise seed hard candy in fancy cans. Disgusting.
3. leesavee said:
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Leta is BRILLIANT!
So, did you try some licorice? Were you that courageous?
4. Lee-Lee said:
Ummmmm, why can't you?
5. My Baby Sweetness said:
Can you tell her you'll taste it when she eats the spiders?
Oh... that probably doesn't help with the "not saying stupid things..."
6. Valerie said:
Do you just laugh constantly? Like...every single time she speaks? That girls is so full of awesome. Kind of like that entire post...I mean TOAST!
7. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
It's my sneaking suspicion that if you bite into an actual tarantula, it will taste like black licorice.
Please note that I will never be the one to test this theory.
8. Liz said:
Black licorice is HORRIBLE! And, way worse than spiders.
9. Nicole Johnson said:
Blech. I don't like black licorice, either!
I relate sooo much to saying stupid things that might lead my 4 year old to nightmares. You know like when I decide to play dinosaurs and talk about dinosaurs eating other dinosaurs and things like that. Did I mention I did that about 30 minutes before bed one night? Why do we do that, anyway?!?!
A patient husband is one of the best to have, right?!
10. fantasyland@gmail.com said:
This is the candy I mentioned in my comment: http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/anise-flavored-hard-candy-50g-by-lanis-d...
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
11. Candy said:
Oh I'm totally with you on the black licorice.
My husband has only one fear, and it's clowns. Once, long ago, after my husband and I had read Stephen King's "It", I got up in the middle of the night, blew up a few balloons and put them in the bathroom.
He gets up first, and all I heard was screaming. It was an awesome moment.
12. Jeanne said:
OMG - hilarious!!! We have a rubber spider that sits in the car visor and after 20 years I still forget it is there (we don't drive the car every day!). Fun times - let me tell you!
13. Dawn said:
PRICELESS!!!!
14. CW said:
Best line ever: 'It's like, we're headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY!'
i hate black licorice too. actually i only like starburst licorice.
i love how she tried to compare her fear of spiders to your dislike of licorice. smart cookie.
15. Olive said:
Love the story - love Chuck in the scarf more, though. This reminds me of the time I was on holiday with friends in Florida and we bought a stuffed/taxidermied alligator and were hiding it all over the condo we rented as a joke.
It was all fun and games until a REAL ONE found its way inside and we thought it was the fake one until someone tried to pick it up and it started moving!
I still have no idea how it got in, but it was absolutely terrifying.
Also, I totally agree about black licorice and anise and unfortunately, some of the supplements and one of the medications I take TASTES EXACTLY LIKE IT. It's like, OK, yay for not having the crazy right now, BUT THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FILTHY. Red licorice? Fine. Red licorice shoe laces? Lovely. Black licorice? Filthy.
Licorice is also a word I feel stoners would have a hilarious time dissecting.
16. Terri said:
Ugh...black licorice is disgusting. Seriously. HORRIBLE. That's excactly what a big black tarantula would taste like!
17. Anonymous said:
To whom should I send the bill for a new keyboard? Because mine is now coated in sticky, sugary, milky coffee, which involuntarily spewed from my mouth (and nose, thank you) TWICE as I read this post. Oh it's good to catch up on Dooce on a rainy day with a heavy workload. Well worth my "x" key sticking a little.
18. Julie said:
My mother was always so upset with me when I was little because I loooved to pick up spiders. I presented her with a black widow when I was four. We almost had to go to the ER- not because I was bitten, but because she suffered a mild heart attack.
19. Amanda said:
With you on the licorice. Yesh. And, I'm going to have to get a Randall for my house because I am SURE my husband would die. Of fright. Why didn't I think of this sooner?
20. Eva said:
I am seriously in love with reading your blog!
21. Dr. R. said:
OMG... I bet you are a barrel of monkeys to live with. Yes, more points for Patience to Jon. God love him (and I'm not religious). You know, Awareness (yes, that has been capitalized) is the 1st step in realizing our vices, so I'm glad you have an inkling of it.
:-)
22. Jennifer Lynn said:
black licorice is gross.....red is yummy! black is almost as bad as horehound....yuck.
Hee Hee....you are in soooo much trouble with that smart girl you have:)....GOOD LUCK!
23. Vander said:
So, it's such a good thing that I tell my husband about your posts, and that he doesn't visit on his own. If he came here and saw that picture, he would maybe never venture out into the internet again. For anything, and that includes obscure movie references, porn, and video game easter eggs. Yes, his phobia is that big.
But I'm totally going to tell him about the licorice, because he does love that.
24. the mighty jimbo said:
jon clearly has the makings of a zen master to live with three women.
next time i'm in tibet, i'm picking him up some cool red robes and yak.
25. Anonymous said:
She gets sassier every day! haha!
26. Rebecca, Idaho said:
ha ha I'm totally with you on the black Licorice thing!
27. Con said:
A tissue a hobo used to whaaaat? Did you throw that line in just to give the haters some good material? ;-)
28. Leandra said:
Did you ever find out if there is a prescription or any physical therapy for stubborn? Because my daughter has THE STUBBORN too.
We've been accumulating fake plastic bugs and spiders over the past couple of weeks as we've attended various fall festivals and parties. Over the weekend my daughter decided to decorate her room with these various critters and I have had a heart attack on a nearly daily basis ever since.
And yes, big black hairy spiders most definitely taste like black licorice.
29. Gabriela Frei said:
Oh good Lord.
Yes, black licorice is the foulest of foul.
But I must say that I side with the little Leta in shuddering at the repulsive tarantula. I have a tremendous fear of them, which also stems from having a plastic spider thrown at my head. While watching "Arachnaphobia." During the scary final scene with the flames and the running and leaping... Yeah. I'll never be the same again.
LOVE the blog, Heather!
30. Tracylea said:
WOOT to Leta for touching creepy spider! and WOOT to Jon for giving her black licorice (Yum) and TWO WOOTs for you for dealing with both issues ;p
31. Leandra said:
Did you ever find out if there is a prescription or any physical therapy for stubborn? Because my daughter has THE STUBBORN too.
We've been accumulating fake plastic bugs and spiders over the past couple of weeks as we've attended various fall festivals and parties. Over the weekend my daughter decided to decorate her room with these various critters and I have had a heart attack on a nearly daily basis ever since.
And yes, big black hairy spiders most definitely taste like black licorice.
32. MidLifeMama said:
I laughed at this post. I am constantly giving my husband the DIEDIEDIE look just as he has said the very thing he should not have said at that very moment in the presence of our 3 year old. Anywho, all licorice is nasty, and it is not about courage. Courage is eating a live hissing cockroach or something you have never had before. Not eating something that makes you barf is just SMART.
33. hoskas said:
You are a great writer.
34. tracy said:
in my opinion, there are very things on this planet grosser than black licorice.
35. Janie said:
Man, I LOVE that kid! Seriously, she rules! (I mean, I would be thinking first female president except I really hope we don't have to wait that long.)
And Heather? I only know your daughter from the internet but even I KNOW not to say "a ghost on the toilet". On the toilet? A ghost? Really?????? Phew...have you no memory? Enemas, laxatives, constipation, oh my
36. Andrea said:
It's super cool that both of your daughters will be smarter than you. I'm not being mean, just it's cool. I wish more smart people breed.
37. Olga said:
Your daughter is a genius....
38. Olive said:
@23 Vander, I thought you were saying your husband had a phobia of video game easter eggs and porn and I was like... yeah I'm pretty sure he's lying about that!
Then I reread and was like, oh right, spiders.
39. Raschelle said:
Agreed I would much rather hold a rubber spider than eat black licorice. YUCK! But if it was a REAL spider I think I could choak some licorice down!
40. eunice said:
physical therapy?
41. erin said:
"And then I shove the whole thing into my mouth which turns out to be the absolute WORST idea ever because then it's OH MY GOD YOU'VE GOT A SPIDER IN YOUR MOUTH!"
****I seriously almost peed my pants. Thanks again for being exactly what I needed this afternoon. 87D
42. Elizabeth_K said:
Clever, clever girl -- like mother, like daughter. UGH on black licorice.
43. DTDorrin said:
Oh my goodness--if the phrases she uses are any indication, she's going to be just a good a writer as you. I am courageous! Oy vey that kid is cute.
44. Zina said:
The law school savings is for *you* to go to law school, right? I know that's why I'm saving up for law school, so I can win arguments with my daughter instead of just having to say "BECAUSE I'M THE PARENT, THAT'S WHY." (Not that that's not a valid argument.)
In my family it's usually my husband who says the stupid things that shouldn't be said in front of the kids, except for all those other times when it's me. I'm so grateful there are two of us to catch each other and do damage control.
45. Jessica said:
Leta is awesome and so is black licorice! Give it a try, Dooce!
46. Belle said:
I cannot believe your child likes licorice. What a freak of nature. I mean that in the best way possible. :)
I think you're going to need to set aside A LOT of money... for Harvard Law. Shooot...
47. Michael said:
Randall. What a perfect name! How about calling him, Randall the Courageous? Also Chuck looks very dashing in the Wintery photo. Thanks for all the fun, Heather.
48. beyond said:
black licorice frightens me too, but spiders frighten me more. i'd rather chew on some licorice than on any kind of arachnid.
49. Katherine said:
I am so with you on the licorice thing. Way too many kinds of YUCK there. Anise and fennel too. Blech.
And I love it when kids get to the comparison/analytical age. They come up with the funniest things.
50. Susan said:
I must speak up for the black licorice. It is the best. So much better than those fake red things people claim is licorice.
51. Kimball said:
I love Chuck and Coco and Leta and Marlo :)
What a nice little Armstrong family.
52. The Prima Momma said:
But will Leta eat black licorice in the shape of a spider? Hmmm.
53. Zannah said:
I'm with you on the licorice-hate. Ugh. And the big spiders - I was shuddering through the whole post. While laughing. Weird combination of feelings.
Candy @ 11: How horrible! And hilarious! I can't decide.
54. Aljolynn said:
That Leta is an evil genius!
So how was the licorice? ;o)
55. Brat said:
RANDALL? I love it! LOL! [This coming from a woman who named her lava lamp 'Trevor'.]
It was great to reread those posts, btw, so thanks!
[And did anyone ELSE get 'Massachusetts' as a word? Sheesh!]
56. Candice said:
Your kid said that? I think she should start taking her LSATs.
57. Franca Bollo said:
In defense of black licorice ... loooooooove it. Especially the Dutch brands which are usually salty and hard. Mmmm ... I may have to hop on down to the candy shop and buy me a bag.
Love Leta all the more for this very important revelation.
58. Stephanie said:
My husband would leave me for black licorice.
59. WebSavyMom.com said:
-->Can you toss Randall over the shower door/curtain on Jon to scare him?
60. CraezieLady said:
That's awesomely hilarious! Black licorice IS the most vile, evil food product in the history of mankind! Great post, Heather - thanks for sharing it with us!
61. Claudia said:
I can't WAIT until Leta is a teenager and driving and dating and all that good stuff and starts using her smarts to argue her point of view with you then!
With his patience, maybe it would be better to put Jon in charge while the kiddos are between the ages of 13 and 20...
Tell Chuck the scarf is very stylish.
62. The Prima Momma said:
Heather, I think the trick to scaring Jon with a spider is to buy one a little smaller. He's used to the size and look of dear Randall - if he happens upon an unfamiliar spider he might just fall for it.
63. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
Smart kid, that Leta! I think my comback would have been: "Look, I was courageous enough to GIVE BIRTH TO YOU" and leave it that.
64. Anonymous said:
I love black licorice, and am convinced it's a recessive trait.
65. Heather said:
Bleh. I literally shuddered off my chair with the "vagina" line. OMG.
Brilliant.
That's what you were going for...right?
66. kcbelles said:
Too funny! Love Leta's reasoning that if she could touch the spider, you could try licorice.
Never realized there were so many licorice haters! I love licorice! Black, red; don't matter, but my preference is black. My family is dutch and we always had licorice in the house while I was growing up - my absolute favorite is the double-salt. Big treat nowadays when I can get to the Dutch Store and buy some for myself (my partner won't touch it). And those little tins with the Anise Pastilles someone mentioned above? Got one in my purse, always.
Now look what you've done - I've got to go get myself some double-salt now...
67. Kwil said:
Randall kind of looks like black licorice.
68. Maya said:
1) When I saw the legs on that spider, before I could tell it was just a rubber one, I shuddered and almost didn't read the post. That's how arachnaphobic I am. Pathetic, I know.
2) Leta is so smart! Her comparing spiders to licorice just cracked me up.
69. Penelope said:
Children are brilliant. And throwing everything we teach them in our faces. I taught my son that yellow lights mean slow down and oh my do I get read the RIOT ACT every time I run one.
Thanks for the laugh :)
70. Bella-Sweet said:
I think I'd put a real spider in my mouth before I'd even touch a piece of black licorice to my tongue.
71. K Lea said:
I once told my sister, who is seven years younger than I, that there was a monster that lived in the drain of the bathtub. He would come out only when you let the water out and he would eat you!
This, I lovingly told her, so she would hurry up and get out of the bathtub. It seemed like a good idea at the time. What I ended up with was a sister who refused to take a bath for months after the "incident" and parents who were really pissed at me.
Ah, the joy of being an older sibling!
72. Jillian said:
Ugh! I hate black licorice. But what's even worse(Yes. Heather there IS worse.) is black jelly beans that TASTE like black licorice. There is NOTHING more vile! And of course as a child I had quite a fondness for normal jelly beans and my evil older brother would convince me to do things for him and in return get yummy jelly beans. Which was great, except for that one time he told me to run downstairs naked and go scare Mom, and when I did, triumphantly holding my hand out he gave me a handful of ALL BLACK JELLY BEANS.....
I'm still very bitter about that one and that was a good twenty years ago. I don't even think he got in trouble for that.
73. Hope said:
A coupla things -
First, the photo of Chuck is great. My favorite part? His ass is NOT touching the frozen ground. Awesome, mine would also not get close to it. (My ass, not my dog's ass)
Secondly, I know you have problems getting Leta to eat foods, her picky (STUBBORN) nature and all. Can't you just go all psychology on her, and ask HER to be courageous about eating?? Of course, that may involve you eating some black licorice. Nevermind...
74. Angie said:
Why is Leta eating in the bath tub?
75. MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said:
I adore Leta! And seriouly #74, is that really an issue?
76. ProudMary said:
great post.
77. Jill said:
Loved this.
But ONLY commenting to remark on the leading Google Ad for this post, and wondering if I am the only person it cracked up completely:
CHILD ANXIETY RESEARCH
Child Anxiety Research
...
URL/Anxiety_In_Children
Child anxiety research... ROFLMAO...oh dear... *wiping tears*... that kind of says it all, doesn't it?
78. Nik said:
Thanks Heather. Once again you have painted a very vivid picture that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD at work! I've got to get me a fake tarantula to similarly torture my 3- & 7-yr-olds. And a fake snake for my husband, who DOES scare easily by snakes.
My security words - facetted Marie!
79. finger thumb said:
bahaha! Black licorice, that's what spiders taste like, Heather. Gosh that kid is smart, law school is a good plan. Laughed out loud at this. Plus also, I love black licorice, (in fact, I like SALTED black Licorice, which is a Dutch candy called droopjes, and would make you hurl, I'm sure) but I can see how that would be gross to smell.
80. Trish said:
Black licorice is from hell. So are spiders.
Leta is all kinds of awesomeness, though.
81. lori said:
I cannot tell you how happy I am to have found your blog! I just laughed out loud reading the part about the hobo . LOLLLLLLLL
82. JessiCat said:
I LOVE THIS POST. All caps love! :) My favorite part was the hobo vagina. You reek of awesomeness. I agree on the black licorice. I also agree on the comment above that says stoners would totally have a field day dissecting that word. I think I will try it tonight. The funniest "scare the husband" moment I ever had was when my husband (now he is an ex-husband....maybe because I'm a teensy bit...evil?!?) was asleep in our bed, i was about 7 months pregnant. He fell asleep holding a glass of milk. Our ceiling fan was on, because you know....I was ALWAYS HOT when pregnant....ugh. Yay Georgia heat! I digress... The fan was on, my hair stirred around a little bit and tickled his nose. I shit you not...HE SHOT UP OUT OF THE BED, THREW MILK ALL OVER HIMSELF (and me...and the cat) and SCREAMED "FUCKING SQUIRREL!!!". I have never laughed so hard in my life. I think I peed. PRICELESS. Every time I see a FUCKING SQUIRREL I call him and laugh at him.
83. Kristen from MA said:
Black Death = the best description of black licorice I've ever read. That stuff is nasty.
84. jenG said:
*sings*
Here comes Randall, he's ... a berzerker.
/singing random Clerks jingle
85. sarah said:
Red licorice is also gross. But, points to Leta for giving you the business.
And. Chuck's high degree of coolness is apparent even in photographs. Other animals look cute, fuzzy, angry, etc. Chuck = cool.
86. Dani said:
I just got some misserable news. Thanks for making me laugh.
87. eejm said:
Black licorice is something you either adore or passionately hate - there is no in-between. Same with coconut. Like #64, I'm convinced that loving black licorice (and coconut) is genetic and recessive. I adore it, as do my mom and son.
Eggs cooked in any fashion are the most vile, disgusting, putrid-smelling and tasting substance on the planet.
88. Sonya said:
That is awesome!
I agree, black licorice is beyond gross.
89. Jackie said:
How funny! I just love it when our kids come back at us with our own reasonings. Little brats!
90. Annie said:
Okay, I am in love with Leta! She cracks me up! I hope someday I have a daughter that has even half the personality of Leta!
91. everybodylovesbaby said:
my husband's afraid of belly buttons and our kid has an umbilical hernia
92. Lauren said:
This line:
It's like, we're headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY!
made my good day even better. Thank you for your creative description genius. Leta is brilliant.
93. Tammy at The Butterfly Mind said:
I hate black licorice,too!
Butterfly was mystery shopping at the local hospital, AGAIN. Sigh.
94. lizandboys said:
Take some fishing line/clear string and tie it to Randall. Attach him to the inside of a cabinet (one that Leta won't be opening) - when Jon opens the cabinet it'll fall out, dangling on the string - gets ME to scream and flail everytime - maybe it'll work for you :)
95. Kelley said:
Ewww black licorice. Why was that even invented and sold as a candy? It's absolutely disgusting and makes you look like you have rotten teeth. Maybe that's why kids like it?
96. Kato said:
Haha!! I love it!!
You are lucky to have her. Kids that keep you on your toes are the kind to keep!
97. uthostage said:
I was rolling from the moment I read "ghost on the toilet"! Cuz that would totally be something I would do to my daughter. And not when I'm half asleep. Maybe preferably when she's half asleep, though. Cuz then I might be able to actually catch her off guard. I've been blessed with a tomboy who is fascinated with things like watching a praying mantis devour another bug. I gotta take every advantage I can get.
98. Leslie said:
Funniest post in a while. Well, since a week or so ago. You are priceless and smart! The haters are going to pay for Leta's entire law school education with comments on this post alone! Well Done.
99. Josey said:
It's funny to me that black licorice is one of those absolutely POLARIZING foods - I mean, does anyone really think "it's okay"??? I HATE HATE HATE it... and everyone I know wants to vomit from the smell of it or be left on a deserted island with it.
I commend Leta for her way to break it down into simple terms. Still, I wouldn't have tried it. :)
100. Jen said:
Oh, lord, please don't take this as something negative, because I swear it's not (even though starting out with those words probably sounds really dubious). You're a treat to read. It's great when you post something for your readers to enjoy. I even like reading the long captions you write for all your photos (and the photos are great on their own, too). I think you're generous and creative and funny. But--and, again, I am now frightened to even write this--that Monetizing the Hate page is just adding gasoline to a raging fire. Those people are just so mean, and now that they know you'll post their rude comments on M the H, they have taken to creating all new websites dedicated to being even more rude. It's all so brutal. One of the most recent additions to M the H was by a woman who mentioned that her husband was in the Marines. That comment did not seem at all hateful or rude, just observational and terse (and probably driven by the emotion of being a single parent while her husband is at war). But if the woman who wrote that sees that you posted her comment on M the H, she is just going to feel absolutely shit on and she will take her indignation to one of those I-hate-Dooce sites and write post after post about how awful you are.
You're so not an awful person, Heather. You have very right to be angry, furious, and disgusted. It is just so bizarre to see this situation turning into a surreal internet war of women.
101. kat said:
I so agree with you on the black licorice! My dad loves it but it's so gross. At least we've never had to fight over it! However, weirdly enough, I do like fennel as a vegetable (fennel bulbs) and chomp on it raw like celery. It's yummy and sweet when it's and braised or roasted, and fennel seeds go well in sausage. But I hate Sambuca liqueur, fennel/anise-flavoured candies, and all other forms of the stuff.
Great story :) and Leta is awesome!
102. hsdiva said:
Black licorice tastes like ass. 'Nuf said.
103. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
So, back when Arachnophobia was the awesomenest movie in town (the only movie showing at the theatre in town) and being a Utah County teen and ignorant to where to find any beer, my friends and I took a rubber spider on one of those extension scissor like contraptions to the theater with us.
We quietly snuck about the seats and placed spidey on folks. I think we made one lady wet her pants. The theater owners wouldn't let us back in after our third showing.
Later we developed an interest in sex, and so we went to BYU campus and drew body outlines with Ivory soap all over the sidewalks in an effort to impart some Kama Sutra on the place.
It's not vandalism cuz soap washes off.
104. Parsing Nonsense said:
We put a fake spider in my bosses office (he HATES spiders) but instead of silly retribution we all almost got fired.
When Rubber Spiders Backfire should be a new TLC show.
105. Lisa Marie said:
I love that the hobo is female. Downtroddenness is an equal opportunity.
laughing, yea verily
106. Elda said:
My dog is named Licorice. Maybe I can take him over, you can lick him in front of Leta and you can show her how absolutely courageous you are by TASTING LICORICE... technically.
107. Melissa N. said:
God damn it you are funny! Thanks for the giggle today, I needed it.
108. Zoid said:
Tell Leta that black licorice is actually tarantula legs. That'll keep her from chewing it for a good, oh, forever. The things my parents told me when I was a kid have stuck with me... I still don't like to press the eject button in cars (my Mom told me that it ejects the front seats out of the top of the car).
109. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said:
Nice.
One more reason not to let my husband corrupt my child with black licorice.
Like I needed another reason. Yuck.
110. Tina said:
Yeah start saving for law school now. HAHAHAHA! Her logic is FLAWLESS. =)
111. bella said:
I have been reading your blog for a long time, and I have to say that your kids are going to grow up so NORMAL and FUN because you and your husband see life in such a comical and fantastic way. Thank you for sharing it.
Your pictures are also incredible, and beautiful. Feel free to post this on your hate site, since there are so many stupid people out there with rigid perspectives and absolutely NO sense of humour! :)
Cheers!
112. dubiousMa said:
Why do they still make black licorice?? It's as bad as black jelly beans. Disgusting.They may as well make army green licorice.
113. Betsy said:
In regards to eating in the bathtub - that used to be one of my favorite things to do in the tub. Not really any ol' food but candy or bubble gum. It's a fun sensation.
Ok, I'll leave that at that.
Also - not a fan of black, but I love red licorice.
Leta is my favorite character in nutty Dooce world!
114. Scott said:
I demand video of you eating black licorice!
115. RichardK said:
You are the best.
BTW, the pages of hate posts are hysterical. I know it's easy for me to say when I'm not at the receiving end...but I figured that by now you've realized that there's an infinite supply of imbeciles without lives who make up for this "minor" shortcoming by writing an equally infinite stream of idiocies.
116. Mo said:
courageous enough to approach the thought of hobo vaginas (and put them in all of our heads)... but still no black licorice...
You're like a parfait, Heather...you know, layers.
117. Surge said:
Number seven, I'm assuming that if you bit into a tarantula you will die.
I love how somebody said that black licorice tastes like ass. Why did this post conjur up such perverted comments, if nobody else noticed?
"Kids that keep you on your toes are the kind to keep!"
And those that don't?
I say throw em out.
118. Rachel said:
HAHAHAHAHA i don't know where to start. vagina-smelling black licorice, a spider named randall, or your five-year-old using the word courageous. FABULOUS I LOVE IT. still laughing.
119. stella said:
Okay, I love ya, Heather but I gotta say....black licorice rocks!! Love the Randall stories too. Hilarious.
120. Jennie said:
Black licorice is totally nasty. Yuck.
Not to give anyone nightmares about weird toilet sounds, but a couple of weeks ago our toilet made a "weird" noise too. Turned out a sewer rat had made his way up the pipes and popped up in the toilet. Luckily, my niece walked into the bathroom, saw him, and screamed her head off, which sent him back whence he came. But still.
121. Heather said:
Ahh... so funny! Black death... that was a good one.
122. Tracie Yule said:
I completely and utterly sate sauerkraut. It smells awful, the texture is awful, it's just awful. But we have this dumb rule in our house that you have to try everything on your plate before you are allowed to leave the table. Guess who had to eat sauerkraut? Awful.
My daughter is petrified of worms. When it rains, there are worms all over our driveway. When she sees them she starts hopping around saying "uh, uh, uh" and raising her arms up in the air. It's really funny and I'm kind of glad when it rains.
123. Alison said:
And then you said "maybe you could be more courageous and try a peanut butter sandwich" then she looks at you, thinks about this and you say "See?"
124. Christina said:
Ugh, black licorice is even worse than shredded coconut.
I ♥ Leta, she's the best.
125. Jennifer M. said:
I LOATH black licorice. It's of the Devil. I know it is.
126. Suze said:
The kid's got you dead to rights, Dooce. You're going to have to man up ('woman up'?) and show her you're made of the same stuff SHE is!
127. trish said:
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah. Why DON'T you be courageous, Heather?
This post is why I read you. Fanfreakingtastic.
128. Ray said:
Your daughter is so smart! And speaking of spiders and ghosts: "What is Leta going to be for Halloween?" ^o^
129. olivia said:
or don't ever try SWEDISH black licorice. Vile, nasty, lick the bottom of the tube coach floor, rancid grossness, putrid stuff. SALTY black licorice. You just can't imagine. Especially when you're expecting a chocolate. Barf.
130. MotherProof said:
Leta is awesome. Your morning gaffs are awesome. Black licorice is less awesome. In fact, it's completely lacking in awesome. It's awesomeless.
131. kara said:
I am so in love with black licorice that I have fennel flavored toothpaste and I drink Jager on the rocks at bars. But it is very distinct. I could see how people wouldn't like it. I hate all things bubble gum flavored. EEEEEWWW. It tastes like a unicorn vomited in my mouth.
132. Agi said:
I suffer from mild arachnophobia. I don't panic when scout a spider climbing up its web. I simply leave the room. Me, a whole grown up person leaves the whole big room to the teeny tiny spider as I wish to have nothing to do with it.
When it comes to roaches though I scream my lungs out as I dive after the nasty little sucker with a hammer, a gun and a half-a-ton boulder. It's an ugly, bloody sight. Ugh!
133. GF said:
I looooooooooove black licorice. Go Leta!
Come on, Heather -- get COURAGEOUS!!
FYI -- if you eat too much black licorice, it will turn your poop green.
Don't ask how I know.
134. Anonymous said:
all six year olds should go directly to law school.
also, have you seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dxNsjYeIs
135. Martha said:
First, black licorice is vile. Just nasty beyond belief. Secondly, my daughter pulls the same stuff. My husband and I always tell her that she doesn't have to eat a new food if she doesn't want to, but she at least has to lick it, just to take a taste to see if she likes it. This totally backfired on us when she insisted that dear old dad lick the asparagus (he hates asparagus) and she wanted me to lick a black olive (gag). Our kids may end up in law school together.
136. Jane said:
My husband is afraid of spiders and my daughter and I love them. She has many fake spiders that she hides so he'll find them, and she has found and brought in live tarantulas on occasion to scare him too. Funny, they don't stay where you put them. She had a pet orb weaver named Chloe, who lived outside. She'd go catch bugs and toss them into her web. We both cried when she died. Also, all licorice is nasty.
137. Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said:
Oh dear lord... I got stuck at the tissue description. Gagging.
I detest licorice too. But not as much as bananas. And yet I make my STUBBORN daughter banana smoothies EVERY day (because its the only fruit she will allow into her mouth). I touch bananas. And she has started offering me sips of her smoothie.
So I hear your pain.
Can we make that two law school places please?
:-)
BB
138. MBINNM said:
Ah, yes, black licorice.... I remember when my daughter (who has an intense gag reflex) was 3 or 4 and we all went out for a nice Easter lunch. She had her pretty new Easter outfit on and looked just angelic. Well, the restaurant offered all the kiddies these cute little Eastern treat bags and for whatever reason (it had to have been a man's idea) they contained small pieces of black licorice. I didn't even know it was there until I looked over and saw my daughter vomiting black YUK all over the table. It was lovely!
139. Danielle said:
HAHAHA! Love the random comment about a ghost on the toilet. For a long time my son really believed we had farting ghosts in our home.
140. Amy Bjorge said:
I hate black licorice too. It's sad that old people like it so much because they never had any good candy when they were growing up. Like the Hershey's Symphony Bar with toffee chips.
I dropped an F bomb this morning (in front of my kids) when I opened the garage door and saw the first snow of the season. It always happens before Halloween and yet I am surprised every year.
Tell Leta not to worry. If 30 years in "Utard" have taught me anything, it's that it will be "wintering" for the next 6 months- at least until April.
(My daughter also thought it was fabulous, btw.)
141. kirsten said:
You all are crazy.
Black licorice is the best! Glad to know that Leta is growing up with a palate that surpasses the nonsense that says otherwise.
Spiders, however, freak me the hell out.
"Phasized succors"
(my captcha, which just seemed so eloquent)
142. K Lea said:
Ok, I just thought of something totally sick and twisted that I would do if Leta was mine. Because, I too hate black licorice...
I think Randall's legs look a lot like black licorice. I wonder what would happen if someone maybe hinted that black licorice is really spider legs.
Years and years of therapy.
143. Lisa said:
I love both licorice (all licorice is black, the red stuff is either cherry or strawberry flavor, not licorice flavor), and horehound. So there! ;o)
I am not afraid of spiders, but know people who are deathly afraid of them. I was the official spider killer for a woman I worked with who had a phobia. Once I was trying to get one out of a small box on her desk, a hairy wolf spider, when it ran up my arm. She almost had a fit. I brushed it off and stepped on it. Heroine of the day. ;o)
144. Chelsea Robinson said:
Leta is a bad ass. Ha ha I'm guessing you hate Jagermeister! It is so good. And I had mixed emotions about you comparing black licorice to a hobo's dirty vagina... I'll never be able to take a shot without that running through my head or gagging. Thanks, thanks a lot. LOL.
145. Hope said:
"Ghost" to "toast" - I'm impressed.
146. pinkbrain said:
@ # 82
I was breastfeeding when I read your comment (yes this is how I pass the time while feeding baby) and I started laughing so hard that baby popped off and started wailing. Sorry baby!
FUCKING SQUIRRELS!
Totally worth it.
147. Anonymous said:
dude, lawyers are black licorice.
148. shelli said:
black licorice is NASTY. As in NASTY.
But Leta? SMART kid.
149. Michelle said:
I just had to saw that the shot of chuck today was fantastic very VOGUE but did you notice his butt isn't actually touching the ground? Just thought I'd point that out. That Chuck, he's just too smart to sit on a cold wet ground with a fancy scarf on!
150. Brooke said:
Haha...I love Leta's thinking! However, I also HATE black licorice. It's like the worst attempt at candy ever. It tastes nothing like normal, good candy. Ugh.
151. Harna said:
I'm just casually reading along and then all of a sudden a hobo's vagina is mentioned and I fall off the couch - hahahahahaaaaa! Nice.
152. Laurie Jones said:
Great freaking post today, laugh out loud hilarious! I too loved the girl hobo line!
153. jessica said:
I love this! Thanks for making me laugh!!
154. amy j. said:
oh my holy god. you guys are so dead. leta's going to eat you alive for at least the next 13 years. and i can't wait to read about every moment of it. i so love your family and think you are all so awesome.
155. Ann said:
I laughed out loud at the hobo's vagina part and I am with you on the black licorice. There is a reason the flavor is called anise...to close to anus if you ask me cause that's what it tastes like. Just like any black candy...necco wafer, juje fruit, etc. Well done.
156. Mandy said:
Yes indeed 'Uggg'! thanks for the delightful smellvisual. It's a good one though!
Not even fifteen minutes ago I made the same offhand, half baked, not thinking comment about ghosts to my 5 year old son. I was trying to get him to go down to the creek with his dad and my mother in law (so I can get some peace for 10 seconds!). He made a ghost puppet today and I told him he should take it down to the creek to show all the ghosts down there. He was like 'Well this is a pretend ghost' And I say 'Well there are REAL ghosts down at the creek' First he shakes his head with a you're-kidding-me smile then the questions start 'How did they die?' Did they drown?' I say, 'No, you're right there's no ghosts down there' but the questions continue... 'Who got them?' 'Will Michael Jackson be there?' I ended up saying they are GOOD ghosts and anyway, Daddy and Grandma Sonia are with you...shiiiit.
Anyway, it seemed to work and got him out. Hopefully he doesn't actually see anything.
157. Melissa said:
Ugh! I hate black licorice and my husband hates big black spiders!
158. kwallca said:
This is the day when your child became smarter than you are. It happens to all of us. I clearly remember the day when we were on a road trip and my five-year-old daughter asked for another piece of licorice ( red, never black. Gross!) and I told her it was all gone. Then she said "show me the empty package." I knew at that moment that it was all over. I was right.
Black jelly beans are just as bad.
159. Laura said:
Dooce,
For the love! I haven't been here long enough to have read the spider stories. I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. I did go to the silent laughter with tears streaming down my face! That was good stuff! I am now trying to think where I can find a Randall......so good....I am so down!
Thanks for that...perked up my crappy day!
Laura
P.S. I agree with you on the licorice...might as well drink Nyquil for fun...
160. kwallca said:
P.S. Here's a little tip: When trying to convince a child to taste something new, never, NEVER say "You'll only taste it for five seconds and then it will be gone. What's the big deal? You never know, you might like it" in front of your husband. It will come back to haunt you.
161. Caroline said:
Oh Hell. to. the. No. She. Didn't.
162. Anonymous said:
Are you a man? Because you sound like a man and look like a man. If you are, it's okay. I mean, it's important for the kids to know that they have two daddies who love them very much. Except for that one daddy who throws spiders at their heads and makes up lies about paranormal spirits haunting the bathroom.
163. Jenny said:
"It's like, we're headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY!"
Oh my God, I'm going to die from the grossness that sentence now.
This post made me laugh very hard.
164. Vicki said:
I love black licorice. Just sayin'
I probably shouldn't tell you about the time I found a tarantula on my bed, and thought it was a fake one. Until I reached over to pick it up and noticed it looked way too real. My hand was mere centimeters away from it. I was going to throw it at my kids to scare them! Scared myself instead.
My husband dispatched it hastily. Took me weeks to sleep comfortably there again.
165. Melissa said:
okay...I love Leta...she cracks me up...God pretty much knows what He is doing and has obviously sent you your match...maybe your superior...LOL
when i was a little girl...the Easter bunny that came to my house, used to leave a bag of black jelly beans in my basket...because i was the only one that likes them...let me rephrase LOVE them...so I'm with Leta...be courageous Heather!
166. A said:
I happen to be a hobo and would like you know that my vagina is covered in spiders and tastes like licorice.
I'm a tad offended.
167. Kristina C. said:
EEEEEEK! I HATE spiders, LOVE black licorice!
It's great that Leta is overcoming her fears! How about you?! (Well, hating black licorice is not exactly a fear, is it?)
168. Teri said:
It being close to Halloween and all, I whimsically bought a bag of plastic cockroaches at the grocery store and have been scaring my very skittish husband since. I put them in so many places, knowing he'd be finding them for day, weeks, YEARS. We've been house hunting and my husband went to the bank to get pre-approved for a loan. While talking to a loan officer, he took off his jacket and slung it over his arm, and two, yes two, cockroaches came sliding to the floor.
Also, black licorice is gagony.
169. Laurie Lou said:
Am I the only person in the world who loves black licorice? Good, all the more for me! The best stuff comes from Finland and Holland, by the way. Otherwise I have to say that this is one of the most hysterical and delightful posts I've read for a while. Thanks, Dooce, for giving me a great ending to the day!
170. Katherine said:
That is one SCARILY smart kid.
I hate black licorice too. I mean, honestly, who thought THAT as a good idea??
171. BigMamaCass said:
HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA TOO FUNNY!!!
172. Clare said:
Every single night I have this ritual with my ten-year old. (Note that I said ten. Not five or six.) I have to do a "bed check" which involves looking on either side of her twin beds, and looking underneath them, and telling her everything is fine. This is after the light is off. And speaking of phobias, I am ever-so-slightly-afraid, every time I look, I might see a monster under the bed. For the record, I'm 37. And no, she does not know I get a little bit of tingly fear when I crouch down and look. But we have tarantulas (real live ones) here (central Texas) and I've seen them on my back porch a time or two. If Randall or one of his living brethren ever made it for bed check I'm pretty sure the world would stop spinning.
173. Onepot said:
No spider is as scary as black licorice.
174. Meredith said:
What a little smartass. I love her.
And I am in total agreement, black licorice is vile.
175. Sue said:
You guys kill me...Thank you for the GREAT laugh tonight. Life, even filled with Randalls and black licorice, is so worth living.
176. Tay said:
This just may be my favorite entry of 2009. Your kid is growing so damn fast.
177. Danielle said:
Make a spider out of black licorice for a double whammy.
178. amandam said:
"Toast on the toilet" - LOL! Good save! And Randall seems a somehow fitting name for a rubber tarantula. Good for your daughter for getting over her fear of the (faux) spider, too; seems like the best way to handle it, just dealing with it head-on, 'cause those suckers really can be scary when you're a kid.
179. Mary said:
I used to think that a leprechaun lived in my toilet when I was Leta's age. It's not like anyone told me a scary story about it either, I came up with that idea on my own. And so, for a number of years, I was afraid to use the bathroom solely for the reason that OMG THE LEPRECHAUN WILL LEAP OUT AND GET ME AAAAAHHHHH.
Yeah, I was a weird kid.
180. My Indian Love said:
I love checking your site EVERY DAY! :D You have a gift! And your dogs are just too cute! Love the scarf photo.
181. Salome said:
Rock on, Dooce! You are every bit as charming and funny as when I started reading your blog in 2004. BETTER.
182. Heather said:
Mmm... black licorice...
toast on the toilet is a great swear phrase, don't you think?
183. Mar said:
Funny post, as ever and yet again!
Just found out about Monetizing the Hate today, another hilarious section, like why not, if pays the bills?
184. Anne said:
Leta is SMART. This is too funny. I can totally relate, dude.
185. tiffany jewelry said:
good post and thanks a lot!
186. Robyn said:
I loved this post ~ as I do all of them, and I was glad to see and read the comment from #100. I have been upset about the"Haters" since I read their comments. I wish you could have someone filter them so you never had to see or read such green crap. I do agree with #100 that it just feeds their jealous frenzy. Please keep up the good work. With your family for inspiration and great material I look forward to reading "Dooce" every day.
Oh yeah ~ my Mother eats and loves Black Licorice ~ she says it works like a laxative when she is constipated. I'm not so sure!
187. Bianka said:
Are you going to get nasty-grams now from hobos with vaginas?
188. Makya said:
How is it that eating black licorice is not dissimilar from making out with Satan and eating a Twizzler is like an aggressive deliciousness party in and around your mouth?
If only all things in life were this simple, paint it a bright color, give it a spiffy name and...wait, that is what most of life is like.
189. Knittingfrog said:
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE licorice...but maybe the European stuff tastes different? I have never had licorice from the US, but love the black stuff sweet and even savoury, with my absolute favourite being the Finnish salty licorice liqueur...(maybe the alcohol would help you face the challenge of trying it in front of Leta?)
190. Molly said:
Black licorice is beyond gross but your family is a trip.
191. Lauren @ In The Pudding Club said:
I'm not as anti-black licorice as you are, but eating candy in the bathtub? I think I've found a new phobia. I'm just imagining syrupy drool mixing in with the bath water. Not that Leta drools but my kid sure does.
192. Here said:
I am totally against black licorice, so I understand. That stuff is evil. I say, EVIL.
193. jodi said:
This made me smile. Mainly because I'm a legendary arachnophobe and because my husband, the love of my life, is named Randal. He's much more attractive than yours, even without the extra l.
194. Meredith said:
Black licorice is VILE! I don't blame you for wrinkling your nose in disgust -- not in the least. I fail to see how it became an edible substance.
195. Anonymous said:
Chuck in the scarf should be sold as a screen saver or wall paper. I would so buy it.
196. Anonymous said:
All joking aside, PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE LETA TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL. Take it from a lawyer.
197. Carolarol said:
THAT PHOTO OF CHUCK IN THE SCARF IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY BRILLIANT.
198. sonya said:
"....MOM! LOOK! I AM COURAGEOUS!
That's the word she used. Courageous. Leta, I forgive you for all those years we had to take you to physical therapy only to find out that the diagnosis was STUBBORN."
Oh, this is why I chose not to continue the family DNA. Because the stubborn trait is very prominent and my brain has already exploded in the past.
And, I love black licorice. Especially the sugar-coated gummy licorice balls.
It's ok not to like it. Good post!
199. Angela said:
Love it!
I like to scare people too!! Fave: put the plastic object of terror in the laundry. Works every time. My bf occasionally, but repeatedly puts a plastic snake in the washer so that my almost mother in law (ahhh, scary to say) will be afraid. Best part is, it continues to work! The random panicked shout from the laundry room is priceless
200. Nerdy Joseph said:
mmmmmm I have always loved black licorice so on this post I laugh my head off but don't understand why you hate the stuff :)
201. Julie said:
Enjoyed this morning's laugh-fest! Thanks!
202. Leasa said:
What a great way to start the day - by reading this post! You make me laugh, and Leta is darling.
203. manda said:
HAHAHAHAHA.
Awesome.
204. Sarah said:
Oh, the dangers of having a highly intelligent child. They will get you with that DAMN LOGIC every time.
205. Lisa Beth said:
Yay! Someone who hates black licorice as much as I do! You know what's even worse than black licorice? Those little colored rectangles that TASTE like black licorice! Or Black Sambuca-cuz it tastes like licorice too! YUCK
206. Abi said:
Non food items: olives, pickles, capers, raisins, licorice.
207. Sarahd said:
Patience in a father and husband is THE MOST important characteristic in my book. Jon rocks!
208. Deanne G said:
I have just found your BLOG and you are now making my workdays so much more enjoyable. My days have passed by so fast reading your BLOG and learning about your family. I had to comment on this post as I have the same thoughts about Black Licorice as you do...the most disgusting thing on Earth! I read your past posts on black licorice and have now forwarded those links to my husband to read so that he can understand I'm not alone! Thanks so much for all your words of wisdom!!
209. Kelsey said:
I agree, black licorice is The Worst Taste in all of Tasteland. And I've now adopted that saying, thus irritating the crap out of my boyfriend. Thanks!! :)
210. Missives From Suburbia said:
HOBO VAGINA! I have been trying to describe black licorice for years. Finally, the perfect phrase. Thanks, Dooce.
211. Renee said:
Spiders have nothing on black licorice. Really, really hate that stuff... How can anyone put that in their mouth?
212. LeeLoo said:
I wonder what you'll rank higher for on google now, "hobo vagina" or "hot canine semen"?
213. katie said:
law school sounds like a wise investment!
214. Jennifer said:
Yup. Saw that one coming.
215. Michelle said:
OMG- I can't stand the site, smell, taste, touch, or thought of black Licorice. I'm convinced it comes from the fru-its of the dev-ill.
Anyway, Leta is too cute for words.
216. H to the Izzo said:
Black licorice is disgusting. Also, I gotta say, I loved Candy's comment about leaving balloons in the bathroom to scare her husband.
Loved this whole post. You are such a great storyteller.
217. Amanda Patchin said:
Hilarious but I LOVE BLACK LICORICE and so do both of my boys...
218. BOSSY said:
There's a strange parallel between the look of that tarantula and black licorice, come to think of it.
219. Jessica said:
I'm with you on the black licorice. It tastes like the Devil ate a bunch of black pepper and took a shit on a candle.
Leta's quite a smart cookie. Kudos to her for overcoming a fear. When you're that age, little terrors have a way of...snowballing, as I'm sure you've noticed.
220. Cindy said:
Eight bottles of antibiotics as a kid that tasted like black licorice cured me of black licorice forever.
221. Beth said:
Ugh...I could just die at the thought of black licorice, and its cousins, anise and fennel. Tell Jon you're pregnant again...that should do the trick ;P
222. vlee said:
Is it bad that I enjoy your HATE section much more than anything on your site... except Chuck.
223. ma2one said:
Eat gummy spiders.
http://store.candywarehouse.com/gummyspiders.html
224. Missy Litzinger said:
Laughing out loud on this one. You go Leta, black licorice ROCKS. I like the red too!. Thanks for sharing.
225. Meg said:
First, I love the quick recovery on the "ghost/toast" thing. When I first read it I felt like I was watching a movie where the lead character does something and you're all "NOOOO don't do that! What are you thinking?!" Glad you recovered so well.
And second, congratulations on raising a smart, well spoken daughter. she's going to be a bright one. I'm sure she'll give you a run for your money, but it'll be worth it.
226. The Bold Soul said:
I'm still LMAO at Candy's comment (#11) with the balloons in the bathroom. Candy, you're awesome!
I have to say it... I LOVE the taste of black licorice. Can't get enough. And I feel bad for you, Heather, that you don't like it because... you're missing out on all the SAMBUCA, too.
227. Carol said:
Totally off topic...
but Heather YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!
The author (sorry, forgot her name) was interviewed by Charlie Rose last night so you can probably pull up the interview at pbs.org
The book is called "the philosophical baby" and it's all about what goes on in babies' brains! There is much more happening in there than anyone knew... Apparently they have many more synaptical connections than adults (and certainly more than Coco... which btw.. as an aside... I have a full-sized Aussie who is just as insane as Coco, so apparently size does not matter inthis breed)...
Since I get my baby fix at dooce (all my children are furry) and I enjoy reading about Marlo and Katy's baby... I think you would really dig this book.
The Philosophical Baby
ps... I have no association whatsoever to the publisher/author... I just dig neurological development.
228. Casey said:
Not spider related, but have you seen the Hot Mormon Muffins calendar? O M G.
http://jezebel.com/5391869/muffin-tops-mormon-fetish-industry-goes-chees...
229. Rachel said:
You, my friend, paint such a picture with your words.
I have always pictured hobos to be male...thanks for demonstrating how hobo-intolerant I am.
230. Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said:
OMG, that is SO classic! Love Leta. And Jon. You are simply outmatched by their combined brilliance. Wave the white flag.
231. Diana said:
You are so flipping funny. Seriously. Thanks for making me laugh out loud today.
232. BoatSailor said:
Huzzah for courageous Leta....
BUT, down with black licorice. Does not taste like something that is meant to be tasted AT ALL.
233. Anonymous said:
Leta is one serious hoot -- definitely start saving for law school for that one.
I must be one of the few people on the planet who actually kind of likes black licorice, or more specifically, black licorice jelly beans.
That said, I had my own version of the ghosts on the toilet thing with one of my twin girls. We were in the car and I was listening to NPR and a story came on (probably This American Life or something like that) where a girl described her long-standing fear of pit toilets (think southeast asia) because she was convinced there were ghosts down there. So for months, my daughter was afraid to sit on the potty, particularly in public restrooms. And going into the bathroom at night, with only the nightlight, you could hear her saying to herself "there are no ghostses in the potty". Poignantly adorable. So ... good save with the toast. Somehow I think Leah would have been less fearful of toast in the potty.
234. Tiggerlane said:
*SIGH* Now I've got to unpack the Good'N Plentys and Jagermeister I had all ready to ship off to you for Christmas...
235. Rachel said:
Perfect. The difference between us and them. Patience and spiders.
Did you know you hate black licorice because it actually tastes different to you than it does to normal people?
236. Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ said:
Oh dear God, black licorice IS the Worst Tasting Taste in all of Tasteland. Agree ... no wait, AGREE!!! There, that's better.
237. Black Licorice said:
When you caught Coco eating her own excrement were you sucking on a Virginia Slim while balancing a stiff drink in your other hand? I got that impression from your voice. I think fuzzy slippers and a stained bathrobe were involved too.
Stop talking shit about me. I have feelings too. We can't ALL be the RED LICORICE.
238. Esmeralda said:
I love liqorice. The brittle-breaks-if-you-drop-it kind that in 51 years I've only found in Italy, at the pharmacy or the erboristeria.
Anyway, I don't mean to gatecrash, but I wanted to tell you that today I had fun writing a day-dream kind of piece about the far-reaching effect of reducing the negativity footprint, or better still
the far-reaching effect of increasing our Well-Being footprint.
Thanks Heather. I do enjoy your writing. No, really. :)
239. download fonts said:
Good on you Leta. And nice save! You guys are classic. But, yeah, black licorice is medicine dressed up as lollies. Bad, nasty, evil stuff.
240. Anonymous said:
your daughter is brilliant. and licorice is fucking disgusting. end of story.
241. Scarlett said:
Now, I don't know Leta, but when I was little, I read the book "Beware of the Haunted Toilet" over and over again. I loved it!
http://www.amazon.com/Beware-Haunted-Toilet-Molly-Moore/dp/0816748128
242. Prudence Octavia said:
mmmmm licorice. yum, yum. What is there not to like!
Good recovery from the spider mishap too! (apart from the eating of it -that was probably a tactical error!)
243. Shannon said:
'It is The Worst Tasting Taste in all of Tasteland. It's like, we're headed for a bath and he picks up a ratty tissue that a hobo has used to wipe her vagina, hands it to Leta, and says ENJOY."
Quite possibly the most accurate description of black licorice I have ever read. I've always thought it was so nasty there WEREN't words. Thank you for the words, Heather.
PS. Leta rocks.
244. simone said:
i couldn't agree more with how you describe black licorice. and it is a pretty bad smell in smell-land.
if you never want leta to eat it again tell her it is made from spiders. that is how it gets it black color. ok that was little mean.
p.s. thanks for doing your website, you always make me smile
245. Natashha said:
Leta is brilliant!!!!! I really do hope you're saving that money for law school....now you see where all that reading is leading. Just brilliant!!!! Had me laughing the whole time i was reading, but even more so as i read Leta's question to you.
Thanks for sharing thsi with us!!!
246. GrandRGrand said:
Congratulations! Leta has passed The Bar with flying colors at the age of five, and will no doubt be presiding as The 'Honorable JUDGE Leta Armstrong' by the age of ten. This is when life gets really interesting! Hold on to your hat ... or something! Thanks for the laughs!
247. Karol said:
Truly sweet. :-)
But....my 6 year old girl can way out-courageous your darling girl!
We found a LIVE California Ebony TARANTULA on our front step Saturday evening, and guess what, she wanted it for a PET. Yep, now we have a pet TARANTULA. She calls it Tilly, I call it Tully (it's a boy), and my husband calls it Otto. My son doesn't want to know.
Here's how we know it's a boy: this is the time of year when boy TARANTULAS start feeling frisky, and they crawl out of their underground burrows and go off looking for sex. With luck, a boy will find a willing female and get his rocks off. And then she eats him. (I didn't say good luck, did I?)
Also, he has those weird little hooks right behind his front elbows to cling to her with - we checked. Did you know that he first builds a special semen web and, um, puts his semen in it? Then he sucks up his semen into the tubes in his pedipalps (those are the two little extra short "legs" in front) and goes looking for his babe. I'm not quite clear where he sticks his pedipalps when they're doing it.
So today I had to go buy crickets to feed our TARANTULA with.
Life is always exciting with young kids.
(and I read the whole post expecting to find out that you had a live TARANTULA in your bedroom, and when you leaned down and picked it up to throw at Jon, you got a nasty surprise.
Sweet dreams,
Karol
248. becky grant said:
You almost gave me a heart attack with the picture of that spider. God I really can't handle them. For some reason, they always appear in my bathroom!
249. Kerry said:
LOL. Love it. Leta is adorable...super smart too. Law school is a good idea..:-) I craved black licorice when I was pregnant and ate bag after bag of it. Haven't had it since then and he just turned 3. Funny how cravings work. As for spiders, I love them all. Got a picture of a real one on my website that lived with us all summer long, my son named her Clide. I actually miss her. :-)
250. Rona said:
Ok, this story had me laughing out loud at my desk. TOAST? Love it.
Any Yay! Jon. That patience is sweet.
251. Mark said:
any upcoming blog about the new Mormom Muffin Calendar? will you be in it? or is that just for TrueBelievers.
having survived being raised SDA, I can relate....
LOL
(you ole heretic/pagan...LOL)
252. Stacey in Montana said:
I can't remember the context, but I once told my daughter she had a squirrel in her nose. MAJOR freaking ensued and I laughed so hard I cried.
Why do we do and say these things to our children? In part because we think they think like we think - and yet, they don't. And the other part is we are desperate to break up the monotony of being a good parent and raising a decent human being. We have to throw in some quirks to keep it interesting.
253. Tracy said:
My 37-year old husband would faint dead away if I got that spider anywhere near him. I think something like this might be a little more his speed! Glitter Spider! Some phobias stick with you, I guess!
254. Kristen said:
Try putting the spider on fishing wire and lowering it into the shower while Jon is in there!!!
255. bestchainsaw said:
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256. avigail Halberg said:
we had a huntsman which is the australian equivalent of a tarantula living in our letter box or is it mail box us language anyway where we have our letters dropped. My mother was visiting from New Zealand and we dont have such huge spiders in NZ and she tried to get the letters out with a long pair of kitchen barbeque tongs. My husband refused to get rid of the spider because he enjoyed her reaction.
257. cystic blogger said:
i`m afraid of spiders :(
258. Bargain Junkie said:
I, too, have several phobias, but have still managed to live an exciting and fulfilling life. My worst is claustrophobia: I panic in crowded elevators, packed subway cars, and mobbed political demonstrations.
After trying many unsuccesful therapies I just decided to simply avoid the things that frighten me. I wait for the next train. I walk up a few flights of stairs. I send a donation rather than attend a demonstration. Okay, so I'm flawed, but life is too short to try to be perfect!
259. Becca's Husband said:
Everybody needs a little bit of validation from time-to-time. Here is a little for Leta.
http://outlier.bookofodds.com/Relationships-Society/Beliefs-Fears/Odds/T...
260. Cathy Carey said:
Brilliant child. I adore black licorice but only certain kinds. It must be hard and not salty. Heine company used to make it when I was a kid but they stopped because it wasn't popular enough, curse you black licorice haters!!!!