The cat troll goat diet
Due to a combination of factors, most of which have to do with horrible life-altering catastrophes, I have somehow reached my pre-pregnancy weight. I don't recommend this diet. It's not nearly as bad as the one I was on after Leta was born, the Let's Think About Committing Suicide Every Hour diet, but it's pretty bad and requires that you lose a loved one and suddenly wake up one morning with a flesh-eating disease.
Wouldn't you rather just cut out the carbs?
This diet also requires that you listen to this noise for at least 10 hours a day (Warning: this is 60-second clip of a four-month-old whining. If you are not prone to seizures or violence, you will be after listening to this once.)
I've put off organizing my closet until I reached this point, but even now a lot of my clothing still doesn't fit right. Everything in my midsection has sort of shifted around, and where there was once a curve there is now a 1973 Chevy Van covered in airbrushed flames careening around that curve, and it's being chased by a swarm of local police who are steering with one hand while clutching a donut in the other.
All of my big jeans fit, sort of. Meaning that in order to walk while wearing them I have to perform a ridiculous acrobatic dance of squats and lunges to stretch them out enough that I can bend my knee. Also, I'm not ever washing them again because then they'd shrink that centimeter or two, and BOOM I'm back to wearing my maternity pants and people at the grocery store are asking me when I'm due. Oh I'm due, alright. FOR SOME WAFFLE FRIES.
Anyway, I was trying to avoid thinking about all the crap raining down around my ears the other day, and I got into the organizing mood. And you seriously do not want to screw with me when I am in that mood, not if you enjoy the arrangement of limbs on your body, no. I remind myself of my mother when I get into that mode. You know that woman, the one who sold more Avon products that anyone else in the world? Yeah, when I was growing up and she was scrubbing the bathtub, my siblings and I would hide in the closet because the violent squiggly lines around my mother's body were likely to disfigure our faces.
I was a mad woman, throwing out shirts and odd sweat pants that had been accumulating for years, and then I got to my underwear drawer, OH HELL YES I'M GOING THERE. Turns out that the majority of the weight I gained during pregnancy amassed itself in my butt, and for the first time in my life I had one! You can't tell from any of my pregnancy pictures that my butt doubled in size, but that's only because it was so small to begin with that even when doubled it was still invisible to the naked eye.
It boggled the minds of scientists!
And holy horse balls, that underwear is huge! Massive! As elephantine as my ego! I took one pair, pulled it over my head, stuck my arms through the leg holes, and suddenly I'm wearing a toga! A toga with tiny puppies and hearts and an elastic pink lining that is long enough to measure the coastline of Africa.
Who wore those things?! I DID. I wore those things! And why didn't the person sleeping next to those things say something about it? Like GOOD GOD, WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY.
Point is. Pre-pregnancy weight! Sort of. Yay!
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Linda said:
Congratulations! I can't seriously be the first to comment, can I?
2. beth said:
I find you very entertaining, and am somewhat addicted. Since Marlo was born, you do not satisfy my cravings enough. More Dooce, please! Update more often.
3. Debbie said:
Ooh, that audio clip is really annoying. I am deterred from having children. For now. Until you post another picture of her, or write a really heartwarming post about her and Leta.
Also, congratulations on your ass. :)
4. Suzanne said:
I've only had one baby and things have already moved in ridiculously strange ways. Why do my hip bones point in separate directions? Not that anyone can SEE my hip bones, mind you, but they totally do.
Can you throw those old sweatpants this way? I'm suffering from a severe sweatpant shortage.
5. Milla said:
i would rather be at my fresh-out-of-college weight, but that would require subsisting on a daily diet of cigarettes and coffee, with vodka binges on the weekends. oh the good old days!
sorry, got carried away. what i meant to say is, "congratulations!!!" that and "i now want waffle fries, too."
6. Tracylea said:
Not an easy achievement. yea for you and I think maybe you were wearing my underwear during pregnancy (woah, that was way creepy now that it's said). I am not pregnant. my ass is large (but enjoyable to look at as long as it is covered in denim). My underwear scares me on a daily basis as I wonder how in the hell my ass ever got that big (but it has been for years I just apparently wore underwear to small for it).
Anyway, congrats to you and your ass from me and mine.
7. Beth said:
I just played the sound of Marlo whining while my 4 month old whined from the bouncy chair beside me. He actually stopped whining to listen, so I suppose I can thank you for 60 whine free seconds. Except that I was listening to Marlo, too, so... Hhmm... maybe they weren't 60 whine free seconds after all. Crap.
8. Hope said:
For the smiles, tears, and laughs - thank you!
9. Kelly said:
Yay! Pre-pregnancy weight! I am still 12lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, and my baby is 8 years old! I'm gonna get there though - I've lost 24lbs so far this year. The funny thing is that I hadn't realized that I had gotten so big/huge!
10. Michelle said:
Congrats! But that post made me want waffle frys (with fry sauce, because I'm a Utah girl).
11. Lyndsey said:
Oh how I remember those days and months of the constant whining. Hang in there!
I wouldn't throw those pregnant panties away just yet. Not until Jon gets the snip. :P
12. Me2 said:
Wait until your girls are teenagers and (assuming you are still doing their laundry) you have to fold their thongs. No one tells you about that in any "What to Expect" book.
13. Julie said:
I hope you start feeling more peace and that your life will be catastrophe-free! I am sorry that you have hit rough times :( thank you for sharing in the midst of your trying times - and for brightening our days even in the midst of your crummy ones. Hang in there Dooce!
14. Linda said:
By the way, you're a saint for living with that noise and not throwing the one who's producing it out of the window. But then again, she is very cute. I'm thinking that might just really help her case.
15. Jessica said:
Congratulations on the pre-pregancy weight! I understand it's not an easy feat.
You've scared me with your horror stories of butt-biggening, though. As my butt is already the size of the European Union, any increase thereof will kind of breach the idea of proper body proportions.
I will become one of those ladies whose back is half flabby shoulderblades, half butt, and I will wear tapered khakis and rose-colored glasses, and tunics with sequined pictures of sunsets. Oh, the life I have to look forward to after my first pregnancy.
16. VirgoMommy said:
Good for you to be back to your prepregnancy weight. It's been 2 yrs since my 2nd baby girl and I'm still trying to lose the weight. I joined a spin class 3 months ago and have lost only 5lbs, only 20 more pounds to go!
I need to get to the gym more often, but with a teenager, toddler and husband, I never seem to find the time. LOL
I luv to read your blog and tweets, it always makes me smile.
17. Marianne said:
I don't know what happens to a body during pregnancy ... somehow, later, weight doesn't matter. It's a number. And clothing will never fit the same EVER AGAIN.
Also? Due for waffle fries. HAHAH ... Spit all over my monitor with that one. Thank you.
18. Betsy said:
Seriously? I feel like you update all the time! Just wanted to throw that out there.
Also - I'm offended that you closed comments before I had a chance to say How the HECK would you ever make your dogs look like The Giving Tree and the kid who took everything away from The Giving Tree?? Fantastic idea though. I'll have to stick with Jon and Kate.
19. kim said:
I can only imagine what might have become of your husband if he dared to mention your dignity and your underpants in the same sentence during the last couple of months of your pregnancy. Woah.
20. Dawn said:
Congratulations!
24 years after giving birth, I have yet to reach my pre-pregnancy weight. Perhaps old age will help with that. Eventually.
*sigh*
21. Christina said:
Congrats! You are so freakin funny, I was hoping for a picture of you with your lovely underpants on your head :)
22. Andi said:
Congrats on getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight. I have the same issue with parts moving all over too. I used to have a pretty hot "ghetto booty" as it was referred to many times, and a semi-flat stomach. Now their roles have reversed and I have a semi-flat booty and a ghetto-licious tummy. I should have said "their ROLLS..."
23. Stephanie said:
I've only been coming here for about two years, but I think this just might be my favorite post ever, only because of the copious amounts of exclamation points. Awe!Some!
(I'm serious and not being a hater, I don't want to be confused with the hater crowd.)
24. Chrissy said:
Congrats on the weight loss, even though the path you took to get there wasn't the best one. :)
25. Kate said:
Ha!! I am only 5 months pregnant and quickly growing out of my cute undies. I went to buy new ones yesterday and realized that the size I need is an XL. I put them back on the rack and slowly backed away. I am not ready yet.
26. Anonymous said:
bitch
27. Heather said:
A small part of me thought you were exaggerating about the goat noise, but you are TOTALLY right!
28. Jill Put Up A Blog said:
Eek! 5 months prego here - scared, very scared. always been the same weight since high school (over 10 years ago), have never grown out of a pair of pants until now and here I am wondering - how is this all going to end? Give me another fudge bar please!
29. Liz said:
Good for you Heather!
30. Chanel said:
how you had a second child is beyond me
31. Jamie said:
I only made it though 42 seconds of the recording. You are a strong, brave woman. Or you've found really great ear plugs.
32. nicole said:
darnet I can't hear the noise!!!!!!!!
33. BKU said:
Normally, when I play videos or sound clips on my computer, my dogs go nuts. Marlo's whining, however, held not their interest, but the cat's, who climbed up onto my laptop and began pawing at the speakers at about 20 seconds in.
34. Sarah said:
Thanks for the birth control in that clip, Heather. =)
35. Jacquie said:
I still, to this day more than EIGHT YEARS later, maintain a few pairs of maternity underwear in the dark recesses of my dainty drawer. I think somehow I am trying to trick myself into appreciating my comparatively small arse. But every once in a while when I am really, really lagging on the laundry front, I pull out a pair of those suckers and my kids and I laugh and laugh and laugh at how mommy's butt once filled those undies to bursting. Maybe it's time for me to bid the big pants goodbye. Perhaps I'll make myself a sail and float away....
Oh, and congrats on dropping the weight, I forgot that we were not talking about ME.
36. Ashley Gill said:
What's sad is: I can't hit play on that clip of yours (which I'm sure is hilariously annoying) because it might wake my catnapping 3 month old and cause her to start with the whining herself.
What else is sad: I know EXACTLY what it sounds like.
Point is: Your blog helps me so much!
37. Aisha said:
I'm kinda curious what a VS Pink brand Toga would look like. They'd probably add the word in all caps in the general area of the wearers ass. Which means it would be near my... knees? (I'm short.)
The Marlo noise reminds me of the little girl I used to baby-sit. Her brother and I got on great. She was colic-y and generally very happy until she wasn't... this makes me sound like a such horrible person, but part of why I quit was because of how difficult it was to baby-sit her and her brother together. She always sounded like her whole world was about to explode through her diaper, and he was used to my undivided attention... It got tiring. It got really hard. I ended up having to basically tell them they needed to find a sitter who their son wasn't so attached to. It sucked.
Which is a very round-about way of saying I empathize.
38. Sue said:
I can't hear it either, Nicole. Perhaps it's like a dog whistle and only audible to moms. Not, dog's moms like me:-(
Can't wait to take a peep at how this post will only prove how big your ego is and how stupid you are as a mother (/sarcasm).
Heather, you make me a very happy, smiley person and I thank you! Now I'm gonna go click on some Monetize the Hate ads!!!
39. Jill said:
Holy cats, woman, I couldn't last the whole 60 seconds. I bow before mothers everywhere for being able to survive that sound.
40. Tracy said:
Yup, with you on the indies but it doesn't get better post pregnancy for me cause I get so broke and post natal that I can't get round to buying new ones. Thank goodness for the mother in law - sends me underwear in the post. Anyhoo. .Love your kids hands. Been reading your posts for years. Love it.
41. Brat said:
And THAT is EXACTLY why I stopped having kids after ONE.
I knew my limits.
Folding thongs.... LOL! BUTT FLOSS. Best name ever for those.
42. Rita T. said:
Been there! You think WOW Awesome, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Then, you go and try to put on those jeans that made your ass look great and...they don't fit??? And you're like WTF!
43. Anonymous said:
Congrats lady. Now I'm even more jealous...sort of.
44. Mari said:
Ooh, poor teething baby Marlo!
45. Megan said:
Isn't it screwy that even after reaching your pre-pregnancy weight, nothing fits anyway? The SHAPE never goes pre-pregnancy, that's the kicker. But, hey, now that you've cleaned out the closet, you can go shopping, right? Embrace the new shape. BTW, I'm loving the monetizing the hate page. I try to go every day and make sure you get paid for their sentiments. So classy!
46. Becky said:
I am there with ya sister on the being at the pre-pregnancy weight and the pants just don't fit right. The second kid just spreads the hips a little more.
47. Nanci said:
So as soon as that clip started playing, one of my dogs came in here EXTREMELY concerned. He kept staring at my laptop and cocking his head from side to side. I think I may have to get him used to that noise before I have kids!
48. Stephanie said:
Reading your blog daily is my birth control.
49. sarah doow said:
I like that I pressed the space bar to jump down the page and instead the page stayed where it was and Marlo started whining at me again, as if scrolling was just too much to ask of her.
50. Lisa said:
I agree with Beth, you ARE very entertaining. Each post is like a cliffhanger; more please!
51. Cheryl Arkison said:
Yay for you But seriously, that's mean. Throwing your underwear in our faces like that. Well, it's mean to those of us whose ass was big to begin with and is still big.
52. Lauren said:
The sound file just made both of my cats look behind the computer monitor for a baby!
53. tracy said:
I demand to see photos of you with your arms through your maternity panties. That is all.
54. caitriona said:
agghh - nine months later i'm still 10kg (~22lbs) over my pre-pregnancy weight, but wierdly i *can* fit into my pre-p trousers, so i guess i shouldn't really complain.
(long time reader, first time commenter. should probably have waited til i had a 'meatier' comment, but so it goes. keep up the good work.)
55. Abi said:
Congrats on the ass-size increase. My 2nd was born 14 months ago. I'm still not back to my pre-preggers weight. Nothing fits right anymore.
56. Cris said:
I... liked the whining... not as in like-like, it broke a piece of my heart as it sounded the poor baby is in some kind of pain. I guess I'd think different if it just went on and on and on for hours and minutes and months, and nothing stopped it, but those 60 seconds just made me want to cuddle whoever was doing that noise :(
Please come and clean my closet, I can't throw anything away.
And, of course, YAY for pre-pregnancy weight! Try out corsets, they reshape the body and move your insides to your throat so the jeans fit! :)
57. Kristan said:
Wow, just played that audio clip and it freaked the sh*t out of my poor dog! Lol.
58. Jen said:
Am I the only one who's ovaries went into overdrive at that sound? I even played it over and over again while reading the comments.
Congratulations on getting back to your pre-pregancy weight!
59. Belle said:
We don't get a picture of you sporting your underwear like a toga? What the eff? You can't even claim its inappropriate... because you've shown us a picture of your pregnant self smoking. :)
60. Susan said:
My dog found this sound very disturbing. The 2-month-old slept right through it, though. Congrats on the weight loss.
61. Vander said:
How do Chuck and Coco stand it? One minute of that audio and my dog was looking around the room to find the creature causing the ruckus.
62. Fosterhood said:
oh my god, that audio clip. i had a seizure and then punched my grandma in the face.
please post that sound along side all of those adorable, we-i'm-going-to-stop-taking-my-birth control-and-not-tell-my-boyfriend, baby photos so that the population of the US doesn't quadruple in the next 3 years.
63. Julie said:
All your underwears are crotchless? Is that where your head went? I feel dumb for not understanding the visual. Maybe it's the whining baby playing in the background that is confusing me?
Honestly, that whining is pretty tame to the sounds that I've endured. The one that always made it hard for me to breathe was the "UUUUHHHNNNNNFFFF" over and over.
Congrats on the weight. I think?
64. alex said:
Curious, do you read all your comments? Cos some days there are hundreds. Who has the time?
I've been following you since May when I was pregnant with my 4th baby and couldn't move my fat ass anywhere so I wasted all my time on the computer!
Baby was born in August and I still have 10kgs to go! Ugh, mission. I'd give anything for a pancake flat ass cos right now I am J-Lo. And not in a sexy Latino way, just a "Geez, that lady has a fat ass" way.
65. Anonymous said:
I have no idea what a waffle fry is, but DAMN I want one!! Congrats on the weight loss. Sorry it came about in such a traumatic way. And, seriously? I won't tell if you muzzle Marlo. Just saying-with Coco around I'm sure you have something lying around the house. Sure, earplugs would be nicer, but not nearly as satisfying :)
66. Cindy said:
Ten hours a day of a four YEAR old whining beats out 10 hours a day of a FOUR month old whining any day. Just sayin'
67. Urban Koda said:
Great! Now I want a donut and waffle fries...
68. Tinkersdamn said:
I gained something like 45lbs with my firstborn (yeah. I know. I KNOW), who rode so low I thought his head must be scraping the ground. Not only was he low, he thoughtfully didn't smush any of my insides- no, my polite from birth boy simply stretched the living shit out of my stomach. So I thought I was safe with my second child, that anything that was going to stretch already had. Nope- my "look at me! look at me NOW!" daughter decided to ride practically in my nose, so the upper half of my stomach is all stretched as well. From the armpits to the pubic bone I look like fricking crepe paper. And YES, I used buckets of cocoa butter.
It's a good thing I love them.
69. MamaBear1001 said:
when my newborn wouldn't stop whining and crying i ate oreos. the first two weeks while i waited for her to learn to nurse and be healthy, i lost 35 pounds (only gained 20). after that, listening to her whine and eating oreos, i found the pounds and then some.
it's amazing new mothers can function at all. if you need oreos, eat them. your butt will take care of itself later.
70. Shannon said:
Congrats on the pre-baby weight! I will kid you not, today i yelled loudly I WANT SOME DAMNED WAFFLE FRIES! My coworkers only kind of looked at me strange. The goat sound really makes me want to maim/kill/destroy anyone who wishes to get between me and some delicious waffle fries for dinner. WHAT? Potatoes are vegetables. I'M EATING HEALTHY, MOM.
71. Gori Girl said:
Marlo whining sounds exactly like my dog, Kajol, whining when she's bored and/or upset that it's raining outside. Except that I can sic the other dog on Kajol to distract her from the agony of falling water with a spot of wrestling, and I imagine that that is verboten with small infants.
72. becky said:
I'm about a month in with my first, and totally understand the dance of squats and bends to stretch out the pre-preggo jeans to make them fit again. i'm wearing them, even if it is slightly uncomfortable.
73. Chris said:
Yay, you! Seems my pregnancy weight always disappeared around the four month mark for one reason or another. [I'm sorry for your loss and stress. Sincerely.]
Yay, you!
74. Drew said:
Congratulations to both you and your tiny ass!
Seriously, Heather: Am I the only biological male (other than Jon) who reads your blog?! I mean, I RARELY get to dooce.com in time to get the opportunity to read or comment on your adventures, and now I see that AS OF THIS POSTING, I AM THE ONLY GUY!!!
Where are the rest of us? Is it because I'm also MoNoMo (Mormon, No Longer), AND a *gasp* HOMOSEXUAL?
Probably.
Even though I have no offspring ("The Gays - God's Version of Crowd Control") and I'm a tall, hairy man (although sometimes I'm just a big girl), I somehow relate to you on many, many levels.
Love you!
Drew
75. Jessie said:
I played Marlo whining and my dog stood by the computer trying to figure out what that sound was and whining right along with her. :)
Congrats on the weight loss!!
76. Martha said:
Ok, Seriously? That audio clip really sounds that bad to you. More hyperbole? It could be soooooooo much worse. Wasn't it with Leta?
My kids must have been absolute demon spawn because that is how they sounded on a good day. My son sounded like that until he was 4 (autism).
So fill that cup to half full & go buy some ear plugs at Walgreens.
As for the tuckus spreadikus....that's what happens with #2. The lb's go away but everything just sort of shifts. Permanently. Cup half empty now.
77. Anna said:
Um, ditto. Every single word. I hate the look I get from friends if I casually mention that I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight. The "Oh that's a shame. She's delusional." Weigh me, bitch! I am too back to my pre-pregnancy weight! It's just that my forearms and calves are smaller and my gut is bigger.
78. Mella said:
Listening to the CatTrollGoat noise made my three month old burst into tears. *nods* I feel your pain, Lady.
79. stephanie said:
OMG!!! That was too funny...I can so relate to many parts of your story...but mostly not having a butt....DH was happy for a little weight gain after our 2 boys were born....now I have a butt before not so much...
80. Cindy said:
I had to take my wedding dress to the D.I. (Good Will.) Even though I weighed less after losing the weight from #3 than I did before I was pregnant with #1, my ribcage had permanently widened and it was too tight to zip up. Too discouraging to keep around anymore. I decided it was better for my psyche to just get rid of it and admire it in it's preserved form in my wedding pictures.
81. Cate said:
I'm jealous. My youngest is 17 and I'm still not at my pre-pregnancy weight.
Thanks for the audio. Best birth control in the world! I'll be forcing my kids to listen to it :)
82. Meredith said:
As the mom of a fellow 4-month-old, I listened to the audio clip and I swear I was listening to my own child. I COULD NOT TELL A DIFFERENCE IN THE WHINING. They must learn this stuff from the same manual in utero.
All that to say, I certainly empathize with your hearing. I'm right there with ya.
83. BM said:
You give me hope. My body currently looks like a war zone, but even wars can end with peace treaties. Here's hoping for peace...
84. Kim said:
Totally relate... tried my fat jeans on and I wanted to cry so still wearing maternity clothes... I have all these people telling me they were back in their old clothes within 2 weeks, 4 weeks or 6 weeks... sigh... and really everything shifts and doesn't go back the way it was... ack!!! Not something I want to hear! I am still aspiring to be back in my old clothes soon!!! I can dream can't I!?
Anyway, your awesome btw... you make me laugh when my 4 week old makes me want to cry at times, b/c god forbid I put her down, or she goes more then 20 minutes between feedings at times... sigh...
85. Jennifer M. said:
My daughter just turned 14 and I've just reached the weight I was the day AFTER she was born.
86. Elaine said:
KLove it! I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at 6 weeks but it doesn't always seem like I got that far! Yay for toga panties!
87. Lemon said:
Funny you should write about this today...becuase just this afternoon I was lying in bed talking to my husband about how my underwear was huge. I was tugging at it to show him and I seriously could have fit an olsen twin in the amount of fabric I pulled off. I'm 5mo pp and back to my pre-preg weight. The aforementioned underwear was bought somewhere between normal pregnancy weight and ginourmous you didn't need to eat that last box of oreos just becuase your huge and won't go into labor weight.
I have new underwear on my christmas list.
88. Heidi said:
I have a son who is nine days younger than Marlo! He does whine a little, but more screams like Leta did--I just finished reading your book, It Sucked and Then I cried!
I too am pretty much back to my prebaby weight, but none of my clothes fit--I now have hips!
Love your writing, you make me laugh!
89. Bether said:
I...oh, my. The recording of Marlo whining made my dog make the "Baroo?" face REPEATEDLY the entire time it was playing, switching from one side to the other, and then look under the laptop for the baby making the noise. Today has been crappy, and that made me laugh. I am sorry that sound makes you crazy, but it (combined with my silly dog) made my day.
90. Melany said:
YES! i totally empathize with you on this post. after i had my baby the only section that was still messed up was my middle (of course, since that's where the watermelon-sized baby grows...). i won't even let my husband look at my stomach because it looks like a droopy tire with tiger claw marks. ugh. but the rest of me is skinny! yay for pre-prego weight!
91. happyK said:
6 weeks after my firstborn twins, i could get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Wow, breastfeeding is great (at keeping the weight off), I thought, as I tucked into another plate of hedgehog slice (for those of you that don't know, it involves crushed up butter biscuits encased in chocolate mixed with more butter). Yep, well after putting back all the reserves that labour took out, that was the last time my backside saw the inside of those particular jeans, what with the hedgehog slice and all the crap that i ate trying to find the energy to keep up with said children after sleep deprived nights. Now i'm pregnant again and can only imagine what sort of shape i'll be in after this one, but I'm sure it's going to be nothing like before...
92. Melanie said:
Looking at pictures of Marlo makes me ache for another baby, but listening to that clip snapped me right back into reality! Poor baby girl lol! Sounds like she's trying to take a big poop! Congrats on getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight, and THANK YOU for being so real, honest, and always putting a smile on my face.
93. Debra said:
I haven't read through your past posts to find out, but Marlo's whining sounds like she is either colicky or teething. As the mother of four daughters, I recognize those little protests as the sounds of discomfort. I'm sure that you have tried all of the tricks, but sometimes holding the baby across your knees on her belly helps to relieve the gas bubbles. There are some other things you can try if you think the baby might be colicky.
Best of luck! My oldest daughter who is now 22, was a bit colicky. She seemed to get past it around five months, but she still gets hiccups all the time!
94. Jenny said:
God, it must be a sign that my last resisting cells have succumbed to a virulent strain of babymadness, because I found that ridiculous noise, well...endearing? Cute? Another reason to drag my husband to bed? It is just not right.
I should have just owned up to it that time when I got excited that a four-year-old was sitting behind me on a plane, but I can now admit that thirty-one is a sick, sick year.
95. marianne said:
I am still carrying around the baby weight from my 11 year old so imagine how big my undies are! Never mind...don't imagine it.
96. 8thgirl said:
I used to have a butt but it disappeared after sitting on it 8 hours a day for the past 13 years.
Call me crazy, but Marlo's whining makes me want to have a baby really, really bad. I know, it would probably get old after about 2 minutes. Maybe the audio should have been longer.
97. Brooke Rane said:
i just have to tell you that i played that 60-second clip of Marlo whining and holy crap, my dog was sitting curled up at my feet and when that whining hit the 30-second mark, he was all up and in my face, smelling the computer and his ears were up and he's all WHAT IS THAT NOISE, WOMAN?!! I almost died laughing. he totally thought this mac was a baby.
98. marianne said:
what is a waffle fry and where can i get one?
99. Meredith said:
Will you please post a pic of your (clothed, please) butt? :)
100. Hagan said:
There is a study somewhere that says married people without kids are happier . . . I guess with all the oxytocin and estrogen around this might not be the right forum for that kind of info, huh?
101. Mindy said:
Bothered by a 4-month old whining? Let me give you some perspective so that you can better appreciate the loveliness that is coming from your daughter.
http://paisleysea.blogspot.com/2007/09/listen-and-enjoy.html
102. JW said:
Am I the only one who didn't think the noise was that bad? It just sounded like, you know, a baby. I was expecting more of a poltergeist moan or something.
103. Chriss said:
I am running the add on but it isn't playing...is this God protecting me?
Pre baby weight- what is this concept? Never heard of it. I was under the impression my fat was permanent.
104. Kelly-Vision said:
Congrats on the pre-pregnancy weight.
And for the record, my dog, who is prone to seizures by the way, went absolutely ape shit when I played the audio clip of Marlo. You did give me fair warning.
105. damaris said:
sounds better than doing kegels all day long. I still have 15 lbs to go but I don't see it going anywhere anytime soon.
dang it!
106. gina said:
Still tell people that I haven't lost the baby weight from my 12 year old twins. Never tell people that they are really adopted.
107. Clzimm said:
Pretty sure a 4 month old doesn't exactly "whine" yet...those noises are her only way of communicating with you that she needs something. It did not make me think of birth control, it made me want to pick her up.
108. christen said:
congrats on the pre-prego weight, i'm insanely jealous as today was the day i weighed in at the MOST i've ever weighed pregnant... and i'm only 28 weeks. grr
109. CookingSchoolConfidential.com said:
I've heard that whine before, I know I have, I know. Wait, it's my fellow cooking school students when their food has not turned out well.
(But, take heart. By the time your angels are that age they will be living in a dorm and whining to someone else so all is not lost.)
Cheers!
110. just beth said:
the two st. bernards and our new kitty all tried to rescue Marlo. or maybe they were trying to rescue YOU, I don't know.
xoxo
b.
111. Cynthia said:
My daughter helped me clean out my drawers after I lost the third pregnancy weight. She pulled out a pair of HUGE panties and asked me "Mom are you sure these are not grandma's?"
She actually asked me if I was wearing "granny panties". Dont tell my mom though, her ass is nowhere near as big as those maternity briefs - yuck.
112. Grace Matthews said:
Congrats on the weight loss. I understand being suicidal...that whining is unbelievable.
113. Janet said:
Marlo sounds like she's uncomfortable, Heather. Like maybe her tummy has some gas on it. I know nursing babies aren't supposed to have that, but maybe? I didn't nurse my son and he had severe colic--cried, screamed, and pulled his legs up toward his tummy--and the colic continued until the doc decided he was allergic to milk and took him off it. So I kind of know what you mean about the noise but maybe she's trying to tell you something? Just a thought.
114. Janet said:
Marlo sounds like she's uncomfortable, Heather. Like maybe her tummy has some gas on it. I know nursing babies aren't supposed to have that, but maybe? I didn't nurse my son and he had severe colic--cried, screamed, and pulled his legs up toward his tummy--and the colic continued until the doc decided he was allergic to milk and took him off it. So I kind of know what you mean about the noise but maybe she's trying to tell you something? Just a thought.
115. Jill said:
My niece - who is 4 months younger than my daughter - did that ALL the time. Awake, asleep, it didn't matter. It drove me crazy - and I can't imagine how my sister-in-law felt. Good news is...she turned one last month and she TALKS! Not in full sentences or anything, but enough to communicate her basic wants. Which is totally awesome.
116. Flicka said:
I don't know, Marlo's whining didn't sound that bad to me. My son screamed (I mean purple-faced screamed!) for the entire first seven months of his life so I think I'm a little jaded. I would have taken Marlo's noises any day and thought it pleasant. That being said, I don't have to live with her. I'm a different person than you are and if that sound is your "nails on a chalkboard" then you have my sympathy. I don't think infancy is ever easy, whether you're the mom or the baby. We all just kind of survive until one day it's suddenly fun again. Hang in there!
117. Anonymous said:
I'm sorry, but to those of you whining about pregnancy weight...are you more worried about your vanity/weight gain than the health of your developing baby? EVERYONE gains weight during pregnancy. If you didn't, there would be big problems. Some don't lose it. It's part of life. oh well.
118. katie said:
OH MY GOSH the weirdest thing about this post? I started listening to the baby whine, and my dog comes running from the back of the house, jumps on the couch and proceeds to walk over onto my desk and start sniffing and snarling at the computer.
Guess we just got a preview of what she's going to do if I have a baby!
119. Lisa said:
Congrats though I'm jealous. I have a 6 mo/old and I still have 15 lbs to go ... I gained 30 and the baby was 8 1/2 lbs. That's sad, I've only lost 6 1/2 lbs in 6 mo!! Whew, I don't want to think about it... pass me the oreos :) P.S. I'm still wearing that underwear.
120. micahmaranda said:
Reminds me of SNL's Grimaldi's Nativity Christmas Creation. You must watch! Oh, sweet 7.2 oz. baby Jesus.
http://www.videovat.com/videos/7363/grimaldi-nativity-commercial.aspx
121. shawn michelle said:
oO(sigh) i'm 14 weeks in and only a little over half way to pre-preg weight - a tad depressing.
122. Kim said:
UNFOLLOW!!! Wearing maternity pants as I type - baby on my lap is 6 months old........not fair Heather. She did enjoy Marlo though. She was talking back to the computer! She speaks goat too.
123. Matt said:
My dog freaked when I started playing the clip of Marlo. It stirred her from her nap, she ran over next to me and stared at the computer at full attention, cocking her head to the side every time Marlo made a sound.
She's never done that before! I've tried playing clips of dogs and cats and other animals and she barely even notices. But Marlo fussing? It's the one sound on the whole internet that makes my German Shepherd go "WTF?!"
So congratulations.
124. Joles said:
Dino, my Chuck-colored Doberman, thought this noise was intensely interesting. He's standing her, ears perked, doing an Aussie-like head tilt. I don't think I've ever seen him so interested in ANYTHING.
I'll have to keep it around for the next time he's distracted by the cats.
125. IB12 said:
Evil...worse than water boarding... have you no shame hehehe
126. Naomi Niles said:
I'm not going to listen to the crying baby. No, I'm not gonna do it. You can't make me!
Congrats on the baby weight loss!! Woo hoo!
127. FashionTouch said:
Congrats on weight loss! Eternal fight for every woman.
It is though making me afraid of motherhood even more than I am now :) And I am getting old and husband wants a little one, and mom talking about this everytime I call her.... What am I supposed to do???:)
128. Renae said:
I lost 43 pounds within 6 weeks of having my second son and it's called, having 2 kids under the age of 2 and trying not to lose my mind. I agree, a HARD way to lose weight.
129. kassyross said:
Very good information on weight loss , to loose weight is the keyword today!
130. Terri said:
Oh my gosh, that adorable girl is trying to talk, not whining. If you notice in some of the early videos you have of her she is trying to get something out but of course she is too young yet for words. I would bet she will start talking early.
131. Mariann said:
Do not remember my prepregg weight. Too many pounds ago......lol. .......and judged by my email addy.......too many kids ago. The end will stay that way.
132. BarnMaven said:
Congrats on getting into the prepregnancy jeans...I don't care how you get there, it always feels good. And yes, our bodies change drastically when we have babies. Worth it, but takes some getting used to.
You've mentioned a few times in the last weeks about mysterious stuff crashing down around your ears...I hope that all is as well as it can be in your world (aside from anxiety, sleepless squirmy goat-sounding babies and losing your Grammy). I know you'll tell us what it is when you can, just can't help but wish you some peace of mind.
133. Stacy said:
sorry, but that is some kind of pre-babbling, that girl is trying to tell you something.
better than screaming anyday.
134. the niffer said:
Oh boy. The cats did NOT like that sound. Little do they realize they'll be hearing it at least 10 hours a day come Nov. 23 ish.
I remember reaching my pre-pregnancy weight and not believing the scale because my body was all weird and not fitting in clothes. I think my ribcage actually spread. Pregnancy is such a weird and interesting thing.
135. Danielle said:
Congratulations on the quasi return to pre-pregnancy weight!
I'm with you. I told my husband that my body is like the overhead compartment of an airplane. Things may have shifted during the process of gestating and birthing a brand new person.
But damn, it felt so good to squeeze into those pre-pregnancy jeans!
136. JessicaRabbit said:
Ok for whatever reason when I play that clip my calico goes nuts and tries to bite my fingers off. No baby, fine, baby, rabid finger chewing of doom.
Marlo should use her powers for good.
137. Lu said:
I totally understand that things shifting thing. We are never the same. Cute audio clip.
138. Syc Stone said:
Good luck with your efforts and congrats on taking the initiative to lose weight!
139. kelly said:
that is the sound of a baby pooping...
140. BOSSY said:
Bossy, too. Pre-pregnancy weight. Where weight equals WHO CARES AS LONG AS *THIS* IS THE WAY I STILL LOOK IN THE DRESSING ROOM MIRROR?
141. Victoria S said:
I was playing the audioclip on my laptop, and my husband, who was 1) on the other side of the house and 2) raiding in World of Warcraft with 3) his headphones on, jumped up from the computer to check on me because he thought I must have been in pain or having a nightmare.
That is the power of Marlo's whining.
142. Tamara said:
I could only make it through 30 seconds. Painfully reminded me of my six month old baby, who makes similar noises, though more sputtering. I've become one of those velour-fleece-pant wearing moms due to the whole post-pregnancy shifting of curves...comfortable, but not sure how I feel about it. Does it all go back into place someday?
143. Julie said:
That clip of Marlo made my dog rush over to my laptop and cock her head about 180 degrees to listen in that funny dog way. Then she started frantically nosing the laptop like, "Make it stop, please!" God forbid we ever bring an actual baby into the house.
144. Anonymous said:
It's weird but (admittedly hearing the clip completely out of context) my first thought was that it sounds like she has a tummy ache.
145. The Expatresse said:
I hung onto my maternity underwear waaaaaay too long because it was 100% cotton and felt nice.
Until . . . DUH DUH DUH! I went to visit a friend, and she did some of my laundry and then she pulled an intervention on me. I had to throw it all out and buy real underwear.
But you know, a few pairs organized some sort of Underwear Underground Railway and every now and then I find a pair in the back of the drawer.
They're like a stray dog . . . they want to stay. Can I keep them please?
146. http://www.thehoopesfam.blogspot.com said:
I have a worse diet..it's called The Swine Flu. Pray to all your Tiki Gods now that your family is spared. It is a bitch.
147. Gin said:
Marlo seems to have struck a nerve with canine-kind. Like many others my dog came running from across the house and looked at me like: "Hey lady, what the hell is that noise and why aren't you making it stop? I'm trying to sleep here!"
She better get used to it though, because I'm 37 weeks preggo and that noise is going to be constant around here soon!
148. Jessica said:
I made it 19 seconds on the clip. I have a 7 1/2 month old of my own, thank you very much. :) Congrats on the ass/weight loss??
149. LovingDanger said:
Congratulations!!!! On Monday I wore jeans without an elastic waste for the first time over two years. HELLO 2 under 2! Yeah so when I realized I could do the pants up I was all HELLS YEAH! GET MAMMA SOME SCOTCH! Then I realized I couldn't bend over but that's not the point, the point is I did those fuckers up!
Also the question that decides whether I'm a human visitor uses some funny words! "Umpired LaBelle" what the hell is that shit!
150. ellie said:
When I played this clip my dog woke up and started whining, one of my cats ran over whining and in the end everyone ran up the stairs fuzzed up and frantic. Yikes.
Congrats on your new bod, both the additions and subtractions. Don't cave to the waffle fries. You're almost there.
(OK, I admit I would cave to the waffle fries, but I'm trying to be encouraging.)
151. Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said:
Holy horse balls? Wait, I can't catch my breathe I'm laughing so hard. You slay me.
152. Sara said:
Congrats! And...I can relate to the butt thing. Thanks for going there!
153. siobhan said:
I only lasted 13 seconds of the whining.
154. dragonfly said:
I am intrigued by the thought of waffle fries. There are so many unrealistic expectations about womens bodies post childbirth, thanks for the dose of reality. Apparently Heidi Klum had child #4 this week. No doubt she will be modelling VS next week or the week after. Sigh.
155. Zina said:
Use your words, Marlo.
(Seriously, y'all need to teach that baby to talk. I can tell she's trying to tell you something. Maybe she wants to offer you Avon products.)
156. MarkG said:
Am I the only one who is wondering if you had a true flesh-eating disease? Hope I'm just neurotic and you were talking about SHINGLES! But if not and it's something worse (which wouldn't mean I'm not neurotic, of course), Good Lord woman I hope you're recovering!
157. Zina said:
So, the Weleda ad up there says "What goes on your baby goes *in* your baby," except I read it wrong and thought it said "What goes in your baby stays in your baby." And I was all, "WHAT the?! Clearly these people have never cared for a baby."
158. WarsawMichelle said:
Yep, I know all about the whining and all too well: my second-born is just over 6 months and rolls around sweetly and drools and makes those same noises. Madness.
As for pre-pregnancy weight... mmmm-hmmm. I weigh one pound less than before I got fertilised, and my trousers do not fit me! How? Why? Huh? Oh, wait - my thighs are like redwoods. That is how.
159. tokenblogger said:
Okay, she sounds like it could be two things to me:
Teething. Yup. Could be. My son had 6 teeth by 6 months and he pretty much complained the same way. And there wasn't even any drooling!
Bowel movement. No, not pooping --- just the poop moving through the bowels (intestines).
I kinda like listening to it. I'm gonna go listen again.
160. GrandRGrand said:
Whining...? What whining?
Didn't someone say something about cardboard recently... something about Marlo, and placing her in...something?
PS: By the way you look fabulous Heather!
161. Kim said:
Even the whining is cute!
I know what you mean about your body moving around... despite the fact I am now 7 kg (14 lbs) lighter than before I had my daughter, my body has all moved around so my bum is smaller and my stomach is huge! My clothes still fit but they kind of look like I am wearning someone else's pants...
162. Shasta said:
Speaking of underwear, I think I just peed mine...most EXCELLENT post, Heather!
163. Jillian said:
OHMYGOD I am there too! My 2nd daughter turned five months recently and although I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, well things just aren't the same. I have NEVER in my LIFE had a "gut"....."tank ass and turkey thighs" perhaps, but this tube around my middle is OBSCENE.
But the pants dance. Ah, I know it well. It amuses my three year old immensely. Just you wait, I tell her, we share GENETICS. Your day is COMING.
164. Anonymous said:
This post was alot funnier the first time around,(umm..yesterday?) when Anne Nahm wrote it. But your half-assed plaigiarised version is cool too......
165. becky grant said:
I can't wait to have a baby. But first I need to find a good man lol. I'm so jealous of all the moms here!
166. HeadacheSlayer said:
Congratulations on getting your pre-baby weight back!
My dog Willow (who resembles Chuck sortof) was looking all over for the baby to console when I played that.
Ok, um, not that bad compared to my son. He could make Marlo's whimpering sounds like the dulcet tones of an angel. I really really really really can't handle babies crying (esp. my own when infants--the jump in front of a bus thing). I seem to be immune to Marlo.
Must be those gorgeous dimples and that "I'm adorable and I know it" grin.
I'm sorry Heather, I know it's completely different when it's your own child. ((Hugs))
167. Valerie said:
Will someone please tell me what "fry sauce" is exactly?
Thank you.
Texas Girl living in the Midwest
168. mynext50.blogspot.com said:
The no waist thing only gets worse. Post menopause I go out now instead of in at the waist. I kind of look like that new born you have when she is lying on her back (only I'm standing up). You know the look, the one where the stomach (on her) fat (on me) slides around the sides so from the top your stomach looks like a crop circle. HERE'S THE SECRET...the secret is to wear everything on your hips for the rest of your life and pretend it never happened.
169. Katie said:
Dude, my five month old was sitting on the ground next to me when I played that clip and for as long as it played, he stopped whining.
Needless to say, I played it again and again an d again. Recorded whining is so much less painful than actual whining that I am supposed to be doing something about.
170. Momish said:
Congrats! I actually was back to my pre-pregnancy weight after three weeks. Then even went two sizes smaller than pre-pregnancy weight after six weeks. It was a combination of two diets I would not recommend at all. Gestational diabetes followed by kidney stones. Being pumped with morphine is no fun, not to mention being forced to stop breast feeding. I have worked hard to keep the weight off so in the end it wouldn't be for nothing. (bummer, I can't hear Marlo either)
171. Nerdy Joseph said:
Congrats! So I guess this clip is what we have to look forward to with our four month old in a couple of years. Maybe we can just send them up to Granny's for say 15 years when they hit that "fun" age!
172. Amy said:
I just found your blog from watching Dr. Phil. I am a SAHM of 3 kids under 2. I love that you are so honest about being a mom. I just started being a little more open and honest with what I write on my other blog thehandmadeandnaturallife.blogspot.com, but haven't really been that way on thiscrazylife-amy.blogspot.com. I love that you give permission for people to feel what they feel and be open about it. My goal is to try to be more honest and open about what I write on my blog about my crazy life.
Amy
173. A Southern Accent said:
Good for you, and I hate you at the same time. Yes, I'm familiar with that shifting of the weight around the mid-drift. I'm still about 10 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight and my son is four!
174. Candy said:
Yes, I understand your methods. I am on the husband-moved-out, pay cut at work, going to graduate school, raising 2 teenagers diet. Not quite the way I planned it, but hey. I look smashing.
175. Jennifer said:
I look at photos of myself pregnant and think "why the hell didn't anyone tell me I was soooo huge?" So, yeah. Poor Marlo--such a difficult life. Mommy and Daddy and sister who love you, and you whine? Well, I guess you'll be immune when the 4 year old whining begins.
176. Cassie said:
That's great news! I'm only 2 1/2 months in, but I'm steadily working towards my pre-pregnancy weight. Please remind me the next time I get pregnant to NOT put on 59 points. 59! POUNDS! Ridiculous.
177. won said:
My "horrible life-altering catastrophes" have ended up with me having to buy bigger clothes.
It's like piling shit on top of shit.
Like I didn't despise myself enough already.
178. Sarah K. said:
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! That's wonderful, and seriously impressive.
As for the Chevy? Unfortunately, it's probably there to stay. In the interest of full disclosure (hey, if you're talking about your granny panties, I can at least be honest about myself, right?), I'm 25 and haven't had any kids yet, but I have a story to pass on. One that has been railed into me for, well, 25 years.
I am the youngest of two, my brother being three years older than me. My mother had a C-section with him, and then a vaginal birth with me (which makes me a VBAC baby-- Vaginal Birth After Caesarean, woo!). For whatever reason, it seems that I sat slightly higher in her uterus during the pregnancy, and managed, over the course of nine months, to push out her ribcage. She went into motherhood as a tiny size six with legs for days. She went back to that weight and shape after my brother. After me? She was no longer a size six (though she still has fabulous legs). Her bra size is now a 40B (and let me tell you, finding bras that fit her is a nightmare), because I settled funny during the pregnancy.
Hopefully your Chevy will even out with time as your body readjusts, but I guess this is just fair warning. Not that you needed the extra nightmare fodder; it's just one of those stories I'm COMPELLED to tell, mostly because my mother never lets me forget it.
So, at least when she's sixteen, you can point at the Chevy and yell to Marlo, "I USED TO BE PRETTY BEFORE YOU. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT." ....While wearing the grannie panties as a tank top, of course.
179. Sara PG with #3 said:
I would like (after this one) to get back to my pre-pg'y weight from my first one! Yikes!
On another note, is it totally selfish of me that I want to know what's going on with you? No... I think it's b/c honest to goodness you're like a good friend and although I know I can't help, somehow I feel like knowing would make me feel better. Wait a second, that is selfish. Crap.
Nevermind - I hope things turn around for you and that you are able to enjoy that adorable bundle, despite the whining. I try to enjoy my adorable 4 y.o. bundle, despite the whining. Yay!
180. Birbitt said:
Ok, seriously I'd take crying any day over that kind of whining, just 15 seconds of that clip made my dog whimper and run into the other room. Thanks for reminding me to be thankful that mine only cry for endless hours.
181. Meredith said:
Making it back to pre-pregnancy weight is a beautiful, magical thing. I have to agree about the shifty mid-section, though -- it's pretty irritating. The pre-pregnancy waist measurement seems to be much more elusive.
182. Missives From Suburbia said:
Pregnant women have no dignity. In fact, the only people with less are women in labor.
Congrats on pre-pregnancy weight. Things shift mercilessly after the second kid. It gets better. Or maybe the bar just gets lower.
183. Hannah said:
Well, to the commenter who said someone else posted about OMG this EXACT SAME THING, oh noes what will we do...
Um...welcome to the fact that more than one woman has given birth recently (or not) and is celebrating the fact that she can burn her gigantic panties of doooooom. People have things in common. Live with it.
Let me tell you, I am 14 weeks preggo, and I look like Dooce right before she delivered. If I EVER get back to my prebaby weight, I don't care who else posts about it, it's going up on the Internet.
184. beyond said:
wait... where is the photo of chuck wearing the pregnancy panties?
185. Audra said:
Thanks, Heather. Now, how about a post telling us how to put our eyeballs back in after clawing them out in OMG-MAKE-IT-STOP despair? (Yeah, I know, there's a pause button. But I couldn't see it, what with all the eye-clawing.)
186. LaurieAnne said:
My pre-prego weight is a distant memory with flashes of tiny jeans, slinky tops, and thong panties.
I am jealous. Very very jealous!
187. Lizzie B. said:
Interesting. My mid-section is wonky, too. Like, my legs are thin because I've been running around with my 21 month-old for 21 months, but you'd swear I drank a case of twelve a day.
Sucks. I guess being 40 doesn't help.
Nor drinking a case of twelve everyday.
188. Leah said:
Ha ha ha! I know what you mean about the jeans. I have 3 kids & all of the sudden, MOM JEANS look very appealing.
189. charlotte said:
Good heavens, woman! You make it seem as if wearing underpants while pregnant is a necessity!
Also, the Chevy van with the flames? Comes from a California parking lot, right underneath the two Corvettes still attached to my ribcage. I'm hoping to trade them in for my prepregnancy Aveos sometime within the next decade ...
190. Valerie said:
The whining made me shudder and I LIKE kids. Oh dear.
191. Anonymous said:
The whining didn't sound too bad for me. But I'm almost at 2 years of infertility so I think I'd take any baby noise at this point.
192. Anonymous said:
i listened to that clip of your daughter while nursing my 3 month old son, it was like stereo. (typing one handed while nursing sucks)
193. Kelly said:
I played that and my Sid who is cuddling next to my laptop looked over like, "What the hell is that sound" and as Marlo got more insistent my schnauzer in the next room started barking.
You need somebody to come over and dance with the kid.
194. Leslie said:
hilarious yet again. and congrats on prepregnancy weight. the van in that curve will probably eventually drive away (in say another 6 months or so) or it will at least become a mini cooper or something instead. that skin still hasnt gone back into place yet.
but time all we have is time .....LOL.
now could you come over and help me organzie?!?!
195. Jen said:
If you ever want to come to Georgia and organize, I'll take you, dangerous as it might be.
Also, my dog was highly, HIGHLY concerned by the noises Marlo was making in that clip. I think he now suspects that my computer is hiding a small, disgruntled baby and this worries him.
196. B said:
True dat, Meredith. The weight comes off, the hips shrink back (almost to normal by 14 months in my case.... also coincided with stopping breastfeeding), but my 25 inch waist seems a thing of the past.
Congrats on the weight loss, Dooce! Despite how it came off....
197. Casey said:
Heather, I have really bad news.
My 6 month old makes those same noises. ALL.FRIGGIN.DAY.AND.NIGHT. Which means you have many months and hours of this ahead of you. Sorry to share the bad news.
In fact, I believe that Riley and Marlo may have a little too much in common, except for the rolling, Riley is very much anti-roll. She likes to sleep in 20 minute increments as well. Perhaps the annoying naps and the whining are related? Ugh.
PS Should I be worried that the "input format" asked me to write Boise Accident?
198. Steph TN said:
Organization Nazi must be a Southern woman predetermined personality path. If I get in cleaning mode / paying bills mode, get the FUCK out of my way or you'll be sorry! Very irritated at any slight distraction up until 30 minutes after I'm done doing whatever it was, but...Yay for accomplishing things.
199. Abbey said:
Turned on Marlo whining.
My office mate down the row from me: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
one of the babies i nannied for sounded like a car. Haaa-hroom. Haaa-hroom. Haaa-hroom. all day, deep and gargley and 1970s engine-like. and for fun he'd throw in a Waa-hroom or a Baa-hroom or just an AHHHHCK! once and awhile.
i feel your pain, but at least i got to go home at the end of the day to silence. and on Saturdays I slept in until noon . . .
- Abbey
200. BarnMaven said:
Anonymous #164, yer a douche.
201. Snotty McSnotterson said:
Holy Horse Balls is my new band name. It's easier for me to come up with band names than lose the baby weight, especially since my baby is now 11 years old.
202. Not Steve McQueen said:
can you be addressed on television as "Heather, who puts her maternity underwear online". I think that will attract more viewers than that magazine thingy.
203. Renee said:
I think pre-pregnancy weight should have it's own milestone sticker on those baby's first year calendars. It's a big freakin' deal, and deserves a sticker.
204. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
Congrats on returning to pre-pregnancy weight! Sadly, I'm still attemping that same feat myself, thing is; the "baby" just turned 3 and I'm pretty sure I can't call this "baby weight" any longer. Oh, and fair warning; when he stopped nursing (at 1) I *gained*. Ugh.
205. Chrystal said:
Congratulations! It took me 9 months to get back to my pre-baby weight with my first. I'm hoping with my 2nd (I'm due in Feb), it'll melt off much quicker!
206. Embee said:
"why didn't the person sleeping next to those things say something about it? Like GOOD GOD, WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY."
Um, because Jon values the tools which got you in those underwear in the first place. duh!
207. Teri said:
The baby noises made my dogs bark. They normally just bark when a commercial on tv makes a doorbell sound:) Congratulations on the weight, oh and I highly recommend chili cheese fries as a second course to the waffle fries! Loved you on Phil the other day--thanks for sticking up for all the moms.
208. Jif said:
i couldn't bring myself to listen to whatever it is you posted as I am still dealing with the trauma caused by the shingles video...
209. Beverly said:
It's not so bad, Jif. It's just a baby whining.
I'll take that over parents whining any day!!!
210. BigMamaCass said:
HILARIOUS!! I am still *gulp* 25 lbs shy of reaching my pre-pregnancy weight (hush I gained a lot, ok?) anyhoo... I have plenty of time, he is ONLY 20 months! LOL
211. Lisa said:
My friend and I were just talking yesterday about how we would really like to hang out with you. Not in a creepy stalker way, just because we like your story and honesty and humor.
Stories of peoples' lives give meaning to all of it!
212. Julie Wood said:
no freakin fair! I don't get all you women that can come back to pre-pregnancy size in less than 1 and 1/2 or well, 2 and 1/2 years for this baby. I really don't think I'll ever get back to where I was. I've tried, I tell you, I've tried. But you ladies who think that pregnancy weight is somewhat of an uncomfortable thought, can shove it. Mine was horribly uncomfortable and it's still not all the way gone. So, forgive me for being a little ticked by the women that can lose it without months of maternity clothes - after the pregnancy. Point is - you did great, me, not so much. And, I have issues about it. can you tell?
213. Emmy said:
I'm listening to the exact same noise right now coming from my 7-month old.
214. Ev said:
Here it is Friday afternoon, I'm starving, and I come here and read the words "waffle" and "fries". Either one is bad enough by itself, but the two together is cruel. Now I've got to stop on the way home and buy a waffle iron and a deep fryer..damn you, Armstrong!
215. Emilie said:
I am 5 weeks post-partum and weigh less than when I got pregnant. I promise that is not bragging because I vomitted every day I was pregnant, was 6 days overdue, labored for 23 hours, pushed for 2 hours and sprained my pelvis during delivery. Who knew you could sprain your pelvis? Even my doctor was surprised. I had a walker for the recovery floor and when the doctor wrote me a prescription to get my own walker for at-home use, I said, "no need, I'll just borrow my Grandma's extra one."
216. Hayley said:
I just saw you on Dr. Phil, and I'm so glad because I came to your page. I just read one of your FAQs about call child protective services...its hilarious! Isn't is funny how other people feel like they know how YOU feel and how your life is and then they even feel so almighty that they get to tell YOU how to raise, treat and love your child? I just wanted to say I love your website and although I may not make it back through all your posts, after all I do have a 7 month old running, crawling, around, I will be reading every day. And I love the pictures of the dogs, we have 3 and I love how you include them.
217. Keri said:
Marlo sounds exactly like my son! Oddly enough, I didn't find it annoying at all; it actually made me smile because I'm in my last half hour of work and I can't wait to get home and see my little guy. So thanks for that!
I totally know what you mean about being back to your pre-pregnancy weight and your old stuff still not fitting, what is up with that?? It's like, Congratulations! You lost all your pregnancy weight! Now, lose another 10 pounds and you might fit into your old jeans. No promises. Have fun!
218. Sadie said:
Hah! My son is 2 weeks younger than Marlo, and as I played that clip he could hear it from his crib and made matching whiny noises. In fact I've got to go spring him from said crib...
219. Tay said:
I found that clip pretty damn cute, actually. Maybe after 10 hours it would stop being cute, though.
220. Mumologic said:
The game show buzzer whine kicks in at about five months.
221. No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane said:
My daughter is 20 months old and I still haven't lost all my weight.
So, congratulations.
and I kinda hate you, too.
222. Rachel E. said:
When I was growing up and my mom got in THAT mode she'd yell at the top of her lungs, "WHERE ARE MY SCISSORS?!?!?!?!"
That's when all seven of us would flee and hide to protect our very lives. Then, in hiding, we'd argue in whispers about who had mom's scissors last and where they possibly be...
Scary.
223. denise said:
Hooray for getting reacquainted with your pre-pregnancy weight! And in such a short time! I hope all those horrible haters didn't force you to abstain from eating. You're a gorgeous woman, pre or post pregnancy weight, short hair or long. I'm dumbfounded by the vicious cruelty in your 'hate' section.
Re: that clip. Both of my babies made that sound beginning around that age and I actually thought it was adorable! I never perceived it as whining, but as them trying to wrap their mouths around sounds they just couldn't quite make yet. Each kid did it much more aggressively and pointedly if I would talk directly at them while they were doing it. It always seemed like rudimentary attempts at language to me. Perhaps you could try to shift your perspective and it won't get under your skin quite so much? easier said than done, I know...just a thought.
224. Sunnie G Baker said:
I can't get the video to play :( I've been curious about this goat noise you speak of, now I guess I'll never know what you meant.
225. Alyxherself said:
The longer this whole hating Dooce thing goes on, the wierder it is. Men are right about women, we're two faced bitches. I have never heard you say a bad word about anyone, and have always seen you talk up mommy bloggers. You have certainly helped to raise household conciousness about women blogging, and blogging in general, and all you do is write honestly about your life.
WHAT IS THE BIG FRICKIN DRAW TO HATE ON YOU? what.the.fuck.is.it?
I come here to have a smile and enjoy what you share and I have to deal with fucking jealous ass lame-o's who wanna tell you how to run your life. Fuck. Get over yourselves, people. Don't fucking come here. Go somewhere else and leave Dooce's blog for those of us who enjoy it.
Damn already. Shut up you stupid cows.
Just.shut.up.
And Heather? good for you, stress diet sucks, but being lardy on top of all that crap sucks something terrible. I remember when you and Jon lived in L.A. and you wrote that post about trying to beat him up some brutal outdoor flights of steps on a workout! maybe you should challenge him to flights steps to get your muscles back :)
I swear, at 40 and 2 kids, its the working out that gives me hope against gravity.
226. Cynthia said:
The whining seriously upset the cat.
As for the jeans, you can wash them once a week, just don't dry them. The stiffness goes away in 5 minutes. ;-)
227. Yes! said:
#209, I could not agree more.
228. Ginger said:
Jeans—don't ever put them in the dryer. Let them air dry, then give them a whirl with dryel.
http://www.GgGetups.com
229. Ellen said:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm really disappointed I can't play/hear the clip of Marlo whining.
I'm sorry you had to go on the diet you did; I hope your (((shingles))) are calming down, and I'm sorry for the loss of your Granny Boone.
The pic of Lily and Marlo is precious. Marlo looks like she's about to be upset, and Lily looks kinda tough. Smackdown time?
230. Anonymous said:
Ok. Congrats on the sorta weight loss thing. You're cool like that & it's good to know that you have to work at it, because you look like one of those awesome supermodel women who say they can eat anything and just take long walks with the children to burn it off. Bah!
Re: the whining. I must inform you that you have yet another super genius on your hands. Your sweet baby is talking to you. Really. I've met many a baby who began to speak at 4 months. The key is to figure out what they're saying. Sometimes you're lucky enough to get comments in the context of the conversation, other times they're trying to tell you that you looked better in the top you wore yesterday. Imagine the frustration.
I can't tell what she's saying, but whatever it is, she's saying it over & over. What was going on at the time? It's way cool when they realize that you understand...they get really excited!
231. Anonymous said:
Even though I have Quicktime, I could not hear the audio clip in Windows Explorer, but could using Google Chrome as a browser. HTH somebody!
232. Nicole said:
Just saw you on Dr. Phil (I'm catching up on my TiVo) had never heard of the website and now I'm hooked:). Congrats on your jeans I too had the same thing happen to me today, I got back into my pre-pregnancy jeans today, my dtr is 7wks old (also my second) a small miracle! Men have no idea!
233. Nicole said:
Just saw you on Dr. Phil (I'm catching up on my TiVo) had never heard of the website and now I'm hooked:). Congrats on your jeans I too had the same thing happen to me today, I got back into my pre-pregnancy jeans today, my dtr is 7wks old (also my second) a small miracle! Men have no idea!
234. Mary Jo said:
My one year old beagle, Rascal, found the clip to be very exciting. When it started playing he ran over to me and climbed up on my lap to look at the monitor. I'm not sure what Marlo was saying to him, but he was very curious. LOL I love it!
235. Elizabeth said:
Maybe it's my 38 year old ovaries and uterus that haven't been put to use making a baby yet doing the taking, but I found that sounds pretty great. My dog actually stopped licking her butt for a minute to come see what all the noise was about. Now, talk to me again after 10 minutes (let alone 10 hours) and I will probably be grateful my dog licking her hind quarters is the only sound in my house right now.
I haven't lost the 25 pounds of baby weight I gained when my best friend had her kids either :-)
My captcha word is "boneyer" -what is that exactly??? One who eyes, well...
236. Rachel said:
This post was the best form of birth control ever! I am 23, and it made me soooo happy that I am not a mom yet.
237. Onepot said:
What in the world are waffle fries? Looks like I've been missing out.
238. Tran said:
Yeap, girls and women should do somethings to keep good weight and shape after having a baby. Men love good looking women, lol
239. Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said:
Here's to pre-pregnancy weight!!!
240. Kit said:
Congrats on the weight thing!
241. Lisa said:
I was back down to my prepregnancy weight pretty quickly too, but like you, it's all in weird places now. So, a lot of shirts got thrown out for being too tight and too short! Congrats!
242. mrs.notouching said:
Yay! And I can totally relate to the shock of looking at my maternity underwear.... I mean... whoa! really?!
243. Kari said:
I returned to my pre-preg weight quickly. When people ask me how I stay thin, I tell them "High stress livin'." Where my tummy was once flat (and pierced!), I too have a van, but mine has a fantasy-blue-hot-chick-and-wolves painting on it, and is blasting prog-rock.
244. Allison said:
In the Times Book Review published Sunday, David Kamp writes that Mr. Chabon "shows admirable restraint in not pimping out his children, in not giving away too much of their lives, their trials and their cute utterances."
You'd be wise to do the same.
245. Ang said:
Holy comment section batman. Well, I am super-tardy or just retarded at not looking you up earlier Deuce. My mother-in-law reads you daily and for some reason, in my seriously sleep-deprived post-partum fog, I neglected your page.
I have a 2 month old who looks much like your baby girl. She's started to track my body (enormous body- how could she miss it?) and voice. Poor thing, she has no idea what her hot momma looked like back in the day... mind you that was somewhere in the early 90's but at least there WAS a DAY.
I've had those underwear adventures...hell my "fat panties" elastic went shot- so that tells you how much weight I gained.. the poor fat panties didn't survive... and I think they've been disposed of. I can't match a mit or baby sock in the wash at the moment, so who the hell knows? I'm pretty sure the 2 month old is snacking on them at midnight, I blame her for lateness, why not blame her for this too?
Anyway, glad to see I'm in good company. Glad to read you. Cheers, Ang
246. Aidyl said:
To #244 Allison
"Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business." ~Ann Landers
247. Yolanda said:
Heather -
Good evening. I played the clip of Marlo whining and my cat who was sleeping next to me woke up from his nap he was disturbed. I think I will play it for him everyday that way when we have a baby the sounds will not be so foreign to him.
248. hairstyles for girls said:
I'm still not my pre pregnancy weight and my "baby" is now 3. How much longer do you think I can get away with using the excuse that I just had a baby?
249. Kari said:
Um, that sounds like the whine of a baby with digestive problems: constant low-level discomfort = wretched whining.
I expect she's still mostly on boob? (Sorry, I'm not reading regularly). Both my kids had terrible colic so I did the rice-for-a-few-days-then-add-boiled-chicken diet (deadly boring). But worth it as we discovered various things I was eating that gave them a lot more gas.
Also, my daughter ruptured her eardrums like 5 times her first year -- and then the pediatrician said "hey, maybe she has reflux!" Yes indeed, baby reflux can get in the sinuses and then the ear canal, causing nasty ear infections and a hell of a lot of whining.
Just saying -- she's trying to tell you something. Figure it out.
Cheers, K