The House of Adorable
So my assistant Katey, the one who had her baby six weeks before I had Marlo, comes into work last week and goes, dude, you are not even going to believe this. And I was all, JOHNNY DEPP TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND COOKED STROGANOFF IN YOUR KITCHEN? And she goes, no, something even more shocking, and I couldn't wrap my brain around what she was even getting at, maybe the Republicans and Democrats had all finally gotten their heads out of their asses and figured out how to get sick people the health care they need? Was that it? No? DAMMIT, KATEY, WHAT IS IT? I hired you to be precise!
Slaves these days!
So she sets her four-month-old daughter Lily down on her back on the living room rug, and goes, watch this... And at first I covered my head with my arms because ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Infants are totally terrifying! Have you ever lived with one? OH MY GOD! At any given moment they can turn into really angry and combative drunk hobos who shoot vomit several feet into the air. Sometimes they start to gag on their tongue or on their spit or sometimes even ON AIR, and then they stop breathing for like four seconds and everyone in the room starts screaming and flailing their arms because THERE IS NO OTHER APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
Oh, and you want to know the worst things they do, those evil babies? They catnap. Like cats. Or maybe not like cats, I wouldn't know, I'm allergic to them and have never lived with one, except for that one time I spent a summer in an apartment with four Korean women who would not ever stop trying to convince me that kimchi is in any way edible, and when I went out of town one weekend they locked a cat in my room and it pooped on every surface including my pillow, you know what that is, right? The place upon which I rest my delicate head to sleep, oh I am still angry about that one and often bring it up in therapy. Do cats take short naps? I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION, but I do know how to answer the phone in Korean.
Also, once when I was living in LA, I used to get my nails done every couple of weeks at this tiny place run entirely by Koreans, and YOU KNOW they are totally ripping you apart and criticizing your choice in footwear and going NOT THIS BITCH AGAIN, but you have no idea what they're saying because it's all in Korean. And THEY KNOW they have the upper hand. So I'm sitting there and all the manicurists are firing off paragraphs to each other in Korean about the alarming shape of my chin, probably, and I sort of quietly look up and whisper, "Hello?" in Korean. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PANIC IN THAT ROOM. Dude, they all stopped and froze in place, and they all slowly looked around at each other like INTRUDER! INTRUDER! And my manicurist goes, you speak Korean? And I say, well, a little bit, yes! Yes I do! And I'm not even kidding, no one in that room said a word for ten straight minutes. OH MY GOD, THE POWER!
Suddenly, I forgive that cat.
Worst advice you can give to someone with a newborn? Sleep when the baby sleeps. That is total and utter crap. Because one nap can be three hours and then the next nap is like fifteen seconds, and when that latter naps happens and you've just put your head down to go to sleep, oh Lord, the agony. And the pain. And the ANGER. And of course it's never healthy to be angry at a newborn, bad things can happen, like suddenly you start drinking tequila at 10 AM and are calling your husband at work JUST SO THAT YOU CAN HANG UP ON HIM.
Ahem.
So Lily is lying there looking all innocent and cute and chubby, OH THE ROLLS ON THAT KID'S THIGHS. It takes an act of congress to clean the folds in and around that child's bottom, I'll just go ahead and say it, but the flip side to that is CHUBBY BABY! Nothing in this world better than a chubby baby, no there isn't, except maybe affordable healthcare, BUT HEY, THAT'S NOT WHY YOU'RE HERE.
And all of a sudden that kid flips over onto her stomach. We're talking FLIP. Like, with lightening speed. WHOOSH! And Katey picks her up, puts her on her back again, and as if it were an audition for Cirque du Soleil that kid whips her body over onto her stomach. TA DA! And then? AND THEN? You guys, her four-month-old is already starting to pull her knees up under her AS IF TO PROPEL HERSELF FORWARD. It was the scariest thing I think I've ever seen in my life!
So we're both standing there, Katey and I, and she looks at me, and I'm biting my lip. And then she knowingly nods her head, and I'm all, yup! YOU ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Kit said:
She must be part pancake!
2. Jennifer said:
Heather- I AM BEGGING YOU- what brand of camera do you use for your pictures? The lighting is always amazing! Thanks!
3. Daddy Scratches said:
If there's one thing I miss about the "baby" stage (and there isn't much I do, believe me) ... it's that they stay where you put them down. Mobility creates problems.
As for the "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing? Yeah, the best advise I can give new parents is: throw away all those advise books. They're all bullshit if the person who wrote it doesn't know you and your kid personally.
4. Aron said:
love the hair!
5. Tootsie Marie said:
My nephew was walking by 9 months, the craziest thing I have EVER seen! Good luck Katey! :)
6. BettyBoop said:
Now you're going to have the Korean complainers. But simply freaking adorable!
7. Daddy Scratches said:
Jesus Christ, did I just misspell "advice" TWICE in the same comment (#3)?
Must remember to proofread ... (idiot).
8. Wendi said:
LOL at BettyBoop... i thought the same thing :)
9. Milla said:
on a related note, did ya see this yet?
10. jaymee said:
the cuteness is killing me. yep katey, you are screwed, that is one baby intent on mobility.
oh yeah, CATS SUCK! especially the two living in my house. those cute fuzzy things crapped on my new shoes. my $600 NEW, never been on my feet shoes!
11. karla said:
You two are KILLING me with the cute babies! I made my huz get snipped 17 yrs ago when our son was 8 weeks old just so I wouldn't have to go thru that whole infancy thing again. But YOU TWO and your ADORABLE BABIES are making my ovaries ache. Maybe that's just menopause. It's almost enough to make me hide my son's condoms so I can be a grandma.
12. Amy said:
That hair is stupendous!!!! ALMOST cuter than all those rolls. Yummy.
13. Tay Talk said:
No really, I'd be freaking out! Babies/toddlers/teenagers/young adults should all have genetic coding for when it comes to the 'process of learning'. Wouldn't that be nice? Mode set--age 21: begin to like boys/girls. Perfect.
14. karyn said:
What's the normal age for kids to flip over? Is she an anomaly? I don't know these sorts of things!
Also, can you phonetically tell us how to say Hello in Korean? I'd love to try that at my manicurist. They would FREAK!
15. Moriah said:
Please teach me to say something in Korean. I need it for my next mani-pedi. And love that baby hair. Best thing ever!
16. Theresa said:
I started walking at eight months out of sheer rage when my mom took away a cup of milk I wanted. I stiffened my legs and stomped across the floor, screaming all the way.
I fear for you, Katey.
17. Anonymous said:
@Jennifer - I believe it's listed in the "FAQ" section on the site.
18. Kathryn Johnson said:
Yep, I started walking at 7 months-my poor mom! At least my children were nice and didn't walk until they were over a year.
19. Ray said:
Wow, Lily is ahead of the game and so ADORABLE! Question: Please do tell, what camera do you use? Those bright colors in these photos are AMAZING and I want a camera that can do that!
20. The Prima Momma said:
Careful Katey - you may have gotten one of those models that can FLY! They make those, you know.
21. Jennifer said:
Thanks Heather! Forgiven.
Lily B is just like Katey was and is...........
PRICELESS.
Love,
Katey's mom :)
22. Denise said:
You sure do have a house full of adorable kidlets! Whats a girl to do??? DIP IN BBQ AND EAT 'EM UP!!
P.S. Cousin Robert looks so much like Cousin George that before I read the summary of the photo? I was all OMG! WHAT HAPPENED TO COUSIN GEORGE!!
Ok. I'm through yelling at you!
Keep doing what you do, please! It gets me through my day sometimes!
23. Heather's Garden said:
OMG, the hair on the baby's head. Too cute! But yes, she is screwed. Wait until they start driving.
24. workroom said:
The tangential nature of this story made me really feel for jon and his day to day life. Oh the humanity.
25. Elizabeth_K said:
It's ridiculous when people brag about their children crawling/walking early --- I'm with you and Katey --- the earlier they start THE WORSE IT IS!! Moving babies are crazy (and awesome entry, wide ranging and funny, by the way).
26. Julie said:
That is one cute baby. <3
27. Layne said:
I've never had a baby. Can't you just put them in playpens or cages or something when they start being mobile? Hah
Anyway. How do you not die from the amount of adorableness in your household everyday?? And did you see Lily's hair? Because that is some fucking cute hair!
28. Denise said:
Karla! BITE your tongue, woman! I have a 17 year old and if I could figure out how, I would sew it shut so NOTHING could shoot out of there for a good long time!
29. Passementerie said:
My unfortunate little infant is SEVEN months old and can't do that yet. Poor little slow baby.
And I agree - sleep when the baby sleeps is complete hogwash.
30. Nicole S. said:
Love, love, LOVE CHUBBY BABIES!!! My third just turned 4 months, and is the only one I have that has rolls on his thighs. I want to eat them! And he also rolls over, tho from the belly to back....i am a bad mommy who lets my kids sleep on their tummies! He is trying to go the other way, and once he does I am screwed!
Thanks for keeping on keepin' on. I love reading your work, it makes me laugh every day.
31. BobbieLee said:
My oldest baby rolled over when he was ONE DAY OLD! This is true. The doctor was examining him and the doctor almost flipped when he rolled over...again, and again, and again. Then my youngest son, who has a twin sister...'Hi, Nichole!'...walked for the first time when he was five months old. He walked toward the ornaments on the Christmas tree. (I have this one documented in a photo) My youngest sister walked when she was five months old, too. She walked toward my Uncle's glass of Jack Daniels...
32. Dale said:
You totally made me pee myself with this post.
33. Anonymous said:
Jesus, you weren't kidding when you said CHUBBY BABY! Wow!
Adorable BTW. And yup, Katey is totally s.c.r.e.w.e.d.
34. Nicole said:
dude, sometimes your writing gives me whiplash! Johnny Depp, infants, Koreans, cats, postpartum, tequila, AND THEN the story . . . are you POSITIVE you don't have adult attention deficit????
35. Charity said:
I know how you feel, my oldest son stood up and ran across the room at 9 months, do you hear me 9 months??? It was just down hill from there. He skipped crawling completely and went straight to running.
36. Kylie said:
Oh poor Katey, she should talk to my Mum. Apparently I crawled at 3 months and was walking at 6 months. Ek. And this is why I hold my newborn all day long, so he doesn't get the chance lol.
37. JENNY TALIA from Australia said:
Yep - you got it right the first time
Katey is going to be screwed, glued and tattooed with that kid right there
My advice?
Put her up for adoption before she gets too attached
JT
x
38. Sarah said:
I had a similar reaction as a gangly redhead in Xi'an. 阨呀！
39. Belle said:
I can't believe the HAIR wasn't mentioned anywhere in this post. That almost deserved as much attention as CHUBBY. What an edible baby.
40. Gillian said:
In all of these posts here lately where you've spoken of Katey and Lily, you have failed to mention the delightful soft serve swoop of hair on that kid's head. It's delightful. Did I mention?
Don't worry, I won't unfollow you for it.
41. Stephanie said:
I LOVE YOU and all of the bits about health care. You are a goddess, and quite witty to boot.
42. tanya said:
Yes, I agree with all the other comments, but really want to thank you for finally breaking the silence on the complete bs of "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice. It's always just when you fall asleep the baby wakes up with a piercing scream that makes you jump out of your skin in panic mode. That kind of repeated shock can't be good for my health. :)
Love love love this site and I recommend it to all my new mother friends/family so I can scare them sh**less for how their lives are going to change after baby! LOL.
43. Michelle said:
What a cutie! I love the patch of hair on top of her head :) So the kid can flip. Does she burp like Marlo? Maybe the two of them can get together and start an act or something...
44. Anonymous said:
Fewer cheetos, more tummy time! Poor kid.
45. thelibrarianne said:
Oh my god, that baby! She looks like a Kewpie doll! I can't deal with it.
46. CJ said:
1. That hair is awesome. I'm going straight to my stylist and requesting "The Lily."
2. Please, PLEASE, tell us the Korean for "Hello." I just know my lady is criticising my freakishly small, impossible to paint pinky toe.
3. I think we need a picture of Marlo's chubby thighs as well. Maybe a Lily/Marlo duo?
47. Lissa Lander said:
I feel like I just took a dip in your stream of consciousness.
I thought it was funny when other mothers told me not to let my baby crawl early, as if I had any say in the matter.
On a side note... I worked in a tutoring center in San Jose, and EVERYONE in there spoke Vietnamese (loudly) but me. To this day I have a little panic attack because I'm convinced that everyone's yelling about the dumb white girl when I hear a gaggle Vietnamese speakers.
48. terry said:
Yup, a mobile baby is a dangerous baby. Normally there'd be a few more months before proofing the house, but it looks like it won't be long before Lily is opening the fridge door and complaining that there's never anything to eat in this house.
49. Laura said:
AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE!
That's not why I'm here... I just came for the chubby baby thighs! Nom, nom, nom.
50. Brooke said:
Lily is beautiful! I also love the nail salon story. I'm currently in Europe, and my fiance's family doesn't quite grasp that, while I don't speak the language, I certainly understand it. I like it this way. I know when they're talking about me, and I get all the inside scoop.
51. Justanotherjenn said:
Does anyone else want to put some BBQ sauce on those little hamhocks? I LOVE CHUBBY BABIES!
52. Unfollow said:
I demand a better shot of the fat rolls. Demand.
53. Amanda said:
She is ADORABLE. No question about it.
Also, good Momversation, I like the topic, good stories, BUT. The Target ads make me weepy. I am an American who moved to Canada three years ago, and WE HAVE NO TARGET HERE. And there is really nothing comparable. When people ask me what I miss the most about living in the United States, I say TARGET. Oh, Bullseye, how I miss you.
54. bearing said:
I have to ask, with Lily, Marlo, and Leta all around, don't you find yourself calling one of them "Milly -- Lalo -- Meeta -- uh, YOU."
Because we have a Milo and a Silas and a Laily and a Meira around here, not all mine, and I have called a kid Silo or Salmon more times than I can count.
55. Meredith said:
Totally with you on the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice. I wanted to smack every single person who said that to me.
And I agree that roly poly babies should rule the world. I used to call my youngest Mademoiselle Chubby Thighs. Go Lily go! Show Marlo how it's done, hee!
56. Maggie May said:
She'll be walking at eight months.
My daughter, I shit you not, said 'dishwasher' at seven months. ;) I say it was her first word, instead of an accident of tongue and noise.
57. Amber said:
Lucky her. My first crawled at an early age, & he is too smart for his own britches.
59. MZ said:
omg katey, your daughter's hair is adorable!
LOVED the tangents this post took. made me laugh all the way through!
60. christina said:
Lily is so stinkin cute! Those eyes,like you said she is screwed, ha. Maybe Lily will be walking by the time she is 8 months old ;)
61. Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said:
ROFL @ the Korean nail salon! bwhahahaha
OMG! look at her roll (and rolls) so cute!!!
62. HDC said:
First: CHUBBY BABY! EEEEEEEEEE!
Second: You really ought to read more of Jeremy Clarkson's columns. You two sometimes are astonishingly similar. Except for he mostly writes about cars and you write about babies and psychotic dogs and corporate asshatery. Except that.
63. Alexis said:
I had that baby. It is not as awesome as it sounds when your kid "meets and exceeds milestones at an early age." Good luck!
PS I could eat those baby legs, yes I could.
PPS Go affordable health care! You rock!
64. Amy J said:
SCREWED!!!! But she is so darling. My 3 year old wore that same dress to church (yes church) on Sunday!!! Darling!!
66. Anonymous said:
My mom insists that I walked at 8 months(!!)...which is why my dad called me "midget" because I looked so funny being this tiny little walking thing. (yeah, i know, how politically INCORRECT of him sheez!) I think they're full of shit. Surely I would be a much more accomplished adult if I had learned to walk at a mere 8 months, right?! Sadly an early walker does not a genius make.
And I'm with #40 (Gillian), how did you keep Lily's hair a secret?! That's so freaking cute. I want to see Lily and Lo playing together:)
Oh, and YAY! for health care. Maybe by slipping that into every single post people will finally get it. Right.
67. Ariel said:
I was walking at 5 months and climbing bookcases (and out of cribs) by seven months my mother says. She says I was cute but devilish.
Totally screwed.
68. Jenna Jean said:
What a fast little learner. That's an adorable dress on her too, THANK GOD IT ISN'T PINK.
69. Jenna Jean said:
Are you going to start using your website on tirade's against healthcare? Because that would be really awesome.
70. Anonymous said:
Oh, and to jj right before me....how rude!
71. michele said:
as i sit here my 5 week old has just fallen asleep and i am in the very quandary you describe... he just had an hour long nap an HOUR ago, so this one isn't possibly going to last, is it? so here i sit, assuming he will open his wee eyes at any moment...
however, last night i was just as certain of his awaking any minute, and he continued to NOT wake for 3 straight hours. as he slept on my lap, therefore rendering it impossible for me to sleep. but i was certain that if i moved him he would immediately wake.
i was wrong. but sometimes i am right... and this is why babies are evil. (you know, adorably so.)
72. Mikalina said:
Can we get a video of the Lily flip?
73. Jamie said:
My niece is 8 months old and walking already. My sister called when the baby took her first step and was like "oh my god, my 8 month old is a mutant!"
74. Karen said:
Kit, the #1 commenter is UTTERLY HILARE!!!! I cannot shake the cuties (as opposed to cooties) after seeing that chubby sweet thing!
75. Anonymous said:
Ok, so I really need to know what your drug is because that stuff is obviously very powerful. I got a little high just reading that. And I need that kind of energy and hilarity at work sometimes.
77. Jennifer M. said:
Yup. Once they are mobile, your life is over.
78. Anonymous said:
Sorry, but Katy is s.c.r.e.w.e.d already!
Both mine and my sister's kids figured out how to ROLL to where they wanted to go, long before they ever managed the Army Man crawl or actual crawling.
I was sure mine was catnapping on her blanket on the living room floor -- all I did was go to the bathroom. When I came back, I nearly wet my pants (difficult on an empty bladder...) when I couldn't find her.
A panicked second or two later, I realized she was rolling under the coffee table, headed for the dining room.
and so the mobility begins.
79. aveleigh said:
Yoboseyo?
I just got home from a year in Korea. My life there was exactly like that nail salon.
80. michelle said:
so cute...plus...I LOVE, LOVE Kimchi!!! it is edible with ANYTHING..;-)
81. Rita T. said:
She is beyond cuteness! Love Chubby Babies!!!
82. Raye said:
OMG, adorable baby mohawk alert! So, so painfully cute! : )
83. Anonymous said:
웃음이 당신에 의하여 저에게 한다 그래서 열심히 나는 나의 바지 오줌눈다
translation: You make me laugh so hard I pee my pants.
84. Restless Mama said:
You no likey the Kimchi? UNFOLLOW!!! Kidding...maybe? *wink*
That baby looks delicious! Go, baby, go! Roll with yo' rolls!
Katey is beyond screwed dude.
85. Elizabooth said:
My first crawled at five months. At first I thought it was cute, then I realized it was totally horrible and that I'd never be able to go to the bathroom alone again. My second (a boy, which is just trouble in the first place) repeated this feat, and then, just to show off, started walking at 10 months. I should be proud, but I just feel cheated. There's nothing worse than mothers who complain that their nine month old isn't crawling yet. Consider yourself lucky, ladies.
86. michelle said:
#76...how can you say such a thing!!!RUDE!! for sure Lily is adorable, but Marlo is a beautiful baby aswell...Every baby has his or her own special features and corks that make them unique and cute...let's see a picture of you as a baby<?>...better not!
87. Anonymous said:
Whoa, I just Googled your image and Amber Valletta popped up!
88. Elizabeth said:
Oh my god, my four-month-old started flipping over this week and I'm so not ready for him to be mobile. I was perfectly content knowing exactly where he was and where he was going to be if I left the room for a second to go pee.
89. Anya said:
Well first of all, Lily is absolutely adorable! And how cool is that she and Marlo can be friends and grow up together and all. But this service thing, does it mean Lily will have to be Marlo's assistant too? Because that doesn't seem fair.
Anyway, I totally get the nail-place comment! I know the ladies are discussing my weird toes in Chinese and I don't understand. Or that time when I thought I had a nail infection and it didn't look right but it turned out to be just some discolouration... I know they were talking behind my back! Another reason to start learning Chinese... Nah. Too lazy. Oh and I have a baby, too. Speaking of which - yep. Trying to crawl at a young age - SCREWED! My son started at 9.5 months, and at almost 1 year he's not walking yet and I'm not encouraging him, because I like my little bit of sanity that I have left. Good luck!
90. MotherProof said:
Oh, the yumminess of the chubby baby! My kids were always scrawny...
91. Mrs Chaos said:
So, this is completely unsolicited…but THAT WAS SO MY CHILD. (Katey: start lowering the crib now. Lowest setting possible. That’s all I’m saying.)
Also, Lily is so incredibly adorable.
92. Claire said:
I called my sister in law to read her your post because she needed a "cheering up". We were both laughing so hard and both said at the same time "She just pissed off the Koren cats"
93. Abby said:
Wow! Does Lily spend a LOT of time on the floor or something?! My daughter just started to crawl and she is turning 10 months this week! Yes, I agree, Katey is TOTALLY screwed. Once they start crawling there is no stopping them. My daughter immediately started pulling herself up on furniture, so now she can get into everything. Poor Katey. Lily is so adorable!
94. Lydia said:
Heather, maybe you should cut down on the caffeine just a tad.
95. Linda said:
Heather,
I totally utterly wish I could express myself like you do. I agree regarding the chubby babies, and the one you have rolling around on your floor is no exception.....what a cutie-patootie!
96. HMFT said:
She is a click beetle. Click beetles are cool.
And I will now stop drinking in the afternoon. Thank you. Thank you very much.
97. Jennifer said:
I <3 this, and your new masthead-btw. And, yes, she is totally effing screwed. Big time.
98. Kara said:
The cuteness is killing me. I love the chubby, smiling, burping baby posts. Maybe it's because I never had any of my own (and am not likely to at this point) and so I have to get my baby fixes vicariously. Whatever it is ... holy cuteness. I love the baby pics. :)
99. d3 voiceworks said:
My Lio rolled when he was 2 months. Completely agonizing for sleeping, as he'd get onto his stomach and couldn't get back. Instead, he got upset.
Sorry for the buzz kill but ... don't know if you've heard of a sit-com called Seinfeld that was on for, like, a lot of years. And your nail salon scene is from the show. Elaine swears the Koreans are talking about her, George's dad--who served in the Korean War--agrees to go with her to translate and, well, many other things happen. But I don't think she knew how to say 안녕하세요
100. beyond said:
aawww. do you know what's even better than lily's chubby thigh rolls? her chubby arm rolls. she is too much. so adorable.
101. Sylvia said:
I love your posts and your writing style, but - there is always a "but" isn't there? And I know, this is totally your blog, and you can say what you want. BUT, it makes it really hard to totally worship you when you inject silly politics into your blog. I love everything else about you, however!
102. d3 voiceworks said:
the problem with any progressive health care reform is when it's referred to as "silly politics."
103. Sylvia said:
devoiceworks: UNFOLLOW!
104. Megan said:
Man, my child is LAZY. She's only rolled over on accident while she was throwing a tantrum about being placed on her tummy. Then again, I don't need her crawling right now...
105. Mary said:
I want to hear you say "yobosayo!"
106. Sara said:
My favorite part of a baby is the little roll of fat on their inner thigh just above the knee. It's a shame no one finds that cute on 30 year old women...
My son took his first steps at 9.5 months and I was torn between gloating and tripping him.
They grow up so fast...
107. Serial said:
We need a detail shot on those thighs. Jiminy Christmas, those thighs.
Also, SILLY POLITICS? Suck it, lady. People in our country, the richest country in the world, die of toothaches. That's not silly. That's effing tragic.
108. Savanah said:
LOL @ the Korean part. I have got to try that.
109. lama said:
Sorry, nothing to do about babies but DAMN those Boones are hot!!!!!!!!
okay, bye now.
110. Valeri said:
For those asking, the camera Heather and Jon use is on the FAQ page: Canon 5D, Mark II. It's the same one I use and it is AWESOME.
I get super paranoid in salons when getting a pedicure. Glad it isn't just me.
Lily is tooo cute.
111. gr@itude said:
Heather: Please teach us how to say "Hello" in Korean. Living in LA, I can totally relate to this story (the manicure part, that is. Well, and also the baby part, seeing as I also have two girls. But that doesn't have anything to do with living in LA...).
My point: Pedicures are happening this weekend. Would so appreciate knowing how to silence the wagging tongues.
Thank you. Love the blog, love your precious babies.
112. Joyce said:
You don't like kimchi??!! UNFOLLOW!
(To fellow commentors: "hello" in Korean is "An-yahng-ha-say-oh". Freak out your Korean manicurist today!)
113. Kerrie said:
Holy Crap...That little tuft of hair has got to be the cutest thing I've ever seen...My kid had a big ass bald spot until she was almost three. It was very sad. Also...Number 58 is an asshole.
114. Anonymous said:
PRECIOUS!!!
115. effie said:
Holy crap that post was hard to follow. Worth the ride though with the cute babe at the end. Your too funny. Yeah, like it's just too much for me sometimes. Stinking brilliant wordage.
116. mumologic said:
...and then she began a mental inventory of all the dangerous and/or pointy objects in the room.
117. Sylvia said:
d3 - I clicked on your link. You have a very nice voice, although, I think I hear you when I call my cable company to complain about my internet not working??
Ironic that someone who makes a living off of commercials and phone promos for large corporations such as P&G(Windex), Citibank, Exxon Mobile, and an air ambulance company would be willing to jump into the health care debate, which is essentially anti-corporation. Or are you all for large corporations, except health care/insurance companies?
On the flip side, one of your jobs was an automated call apologizing to VA clients who had their data compromised, and were exposed to ID theft - a stellar example of government competency.
I used to think that if the government would just fix it all, we'd be better. Then I went to work for a government agency, and the things I see would make your hair curl. As individuals, we (my coworkers and I) try to combat waste and silly red tape, but after spending several years working on the "inside" I shudder to think of the government getting any more involved with my health care.
118. Mary said:
#83 totally made me laugh
that must be google translate. the first sentence doesn't even make sense. the second says "So I pee my pants earnestly." haha
Anyway, Korean lesson for ya'll.
To say hello on the phone, like when you answer the phone, it is yo bo sae yo (pronounced like yo in yoyo, bo as in boring, sae as in the word say and same yo.)
however, when you say yo bo sae yo when you're not on the phone, it kind of translates into "Hey You!" and can sound rude.. which MIGHT be why the Korean nail salon ladies might have shut up. They might have been scared of your ass.
=)
Great post.
119. Lain said:
dooce - long time reader, first time commenter. i love your blog! i was wondering, in light of this post, if you ever watched this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjDQN9keKQk
its the "infant breast crawl" video and i was absolutely amazed that this minute-old baby was trying to pull his knees under himself to move. he didn't flip or really even move much, but did make it over to a boob to nurse.
120. Beffgus said:
Hell, I know how to answer the phone in Korean from Arrested Development.
Also, am I to infer that Robert and GEORGE's father is named Daniel Boone? Oh dear...
121. Amy said:
Gorgeous baby. Yeah, with the first kid you are all like 'Roll baby! Crawl baby! Walk baby!! Second time around you HOPE they stay immobile as long as possible ;) My second and third born twins did not crawl till they were 12 months and walked at 14. Worked for me!
You sound so happy and content Heather and love all the posting :)
122. Tara said:
My baby Luke was born exactly six weeks before Marlo, on May 4th. He started rolling over last week but isn't really up on his knees yet. The scariest part? He weighs 19lbs and 11oz. HE'S ENORMOUS!!!!!!!!
123. mare said:
You lost me after Johnny Depp took off his clothes...
All I got after that was kitchen and yummm
And that I wish I were exaggerating, or that this post included pix of Johnny Depp in he kitchen, or anywhere....
Yummm...
124. Kate R. said:
Oh God. The anger at a baby not napping is not pretty. I literally just got off a plane where my son would not nap even though every other day he goes to sleep without a fight at the appointed time. Not today. Today it was all about shoving the bottle out of his mouth and then twisting violently in my arms until he could stand and look at everyone. Oh, and yell at everyone. So I am furious and I cannot show it because I am afraid everyone around me will report me to CPS. And then, just because karma is that mean, I am getting off the plane and as we are about to get off, he leans back in my arms and I didn't notice and I manage to whack his forehead on the bulkhead so hard that everyone around me and all of the flight attendants and the pilot all go, "Ohhhhh!!!!" and wince. So then we are standing there as everyone gets off the plane and we are both crying. Really hard. And I feel so awful for being so angry about him not napping. Anyway, long story. The bit about being frustrated about baby napping really struck a chord.
Lily is adorable! Those thighs! Marlo and Lily are welcome at my play group anytime!
125. winkwink said:
Holy crapola, how much coffee do you drink before you write your posts?
Love your blog.
126. Kelli said:
I have a newborn, 12 weeks this week. I thought I was the only crazy mom who called her husband just to hang up on him... I think that has happened twice? this week. I'll make him read this entry and he'll know that really I'm not a crazy, sleep-deprived, lunatic... I'm normal, thank-you.
And Yay! Katey's acrobat-baby!w
127. Meghan said:
i wish newborns gave some sort of signal to let you know how long they would nap. for example, if i knew this was going to be a 3 hour nap, i would be asleep instead of one-handed typing (because she will only sleep when she is attached to me).
-desperately needing sleep
128. marianne said:
Our friends' kid started crawling at 4 months, walking at like 8. It was the weirdest freak show I've ever seen. He is now less than three and speaks in contemplative sentences, skates on a skateboard, and uses a Razor scooter with handlebars over his head. Sounds impressive but is in reality exhausting and very frightening. Good luck, Katey!
129. Liz Lemon said:
Baby is adorable, loved the story! Tired of your political mantra though. I use to love reading your posts because it was an escape from the news I was reading. Not anymore, you've jumped on the bandwagon and are now using your site to promote your political agenda. This happens with most "celebrities". But please go back to keeping it simple Heather. I love your stories and writing because you are funny! I don't tune in to "Dooce" to read the latest diatribe on healthcare. Please stop. Maybe being #26 is going to your head. Snap out of it!
130. Jen DC said:
Oh, she's certainly kewpie-delicious!
Perhaps she will get lazy now and be satisfied with rolling over? I know, this is folly, but maybe...?
I walked at 9 months and swam at 2 years without water wings, which scared many lifeguards at the public pool. A toddler who can pass the high dive test? Stop the presses. But once I started to read (3 yrs old), I became mostly sedentary. That's it: Teach her to read!
131. Niamh said:
#107 - The last I heard, the "Richest Country in the World" title was held by Luxembourg, based on GDP, not the US.
132. Trooper Thorn said:
One of the few rewards of having children is the brief period before they develop self-awareness when you can use them like circus clowns or performing seals. "Show Mommy how you do your flip!", "What does the Hulk do?!"
Eventually they say "No" and get back on the bus for college.
133. Shrooker said:
Okay, Dooce, 2 things:
1. Love the Vietnamese nail salon story, here's what it reminded me of. In college I worked a few restaurant jobs, one was at a Mexican restaurant. As a former resident of LA, I don't have to tell you how many service jobs are held by mexican people in CA. With the exception of the wait staff, everyone else was mexican. I didn't reveal for a good month or more that I knew a fair amount of Spanish; I heard a lot of references to "rubia" (blonde girl), and some other not-so-innocent comments about my anatomy on a regular basis. I bided my time from the kitchen staff. One day I came back and made an order completely in Spanish, by that time I had gotten a lot more of the food-related words and phrases added to my vocabulary, because honestly I understand more Spanish than I speak. You should have seen their chins hit the floor. IT...WAS...BEAUTIFUL.
2. My Mom was tortured by me as a kid. I walked early, talked early, and I figured out how to jump up to high counters when I was four. I also had a tendency to wander and make friends with strangers. I wandered down the road to a gas station once, she found me on the gas attendants lap. I wandered into the crowd while viewing the dolphins and whales at Marine World, she found me on a Chinese guys lap. I got spilt up at Disneyland, I don't think there was a lap involved that time, because by then I was an old pro. That time I found the "lost kid" booth. That poor woman. She always told me she hoped I would have 3 just like me; not yet Mom:)
134. malin said:
OMG my Ewan was born April 20, yes 4-20, anyway he has been rolling over and doing the knee thing for about 3 weeks! The nightmares have started. I already have a crazy 4.5 yo boy, I need vodka.
135. jennifer said:
my second baby was crawling FAST AND SERIOUSLY at 5 months.
it's the strangest thing to see someone that small moving freely from room to room.
no rest, people . . .
136. betty girl said:
okay, if you love baby rolls and come on, who doesn't? you'll love this candle available from "Aunt Sadie's" - scent is "It's a baby" - I know, right? A friend got it for me after I went all zombie-like and walked towards people at work who brought in their babies, saying "GIVE. ME. BABY. NOW. MUST. SMELL. IT."
137. Melissa said:
Squishy baby! Seriously, those are some adorable rolls. I pity Katey if Lily starts crawling and walking soon. I hope she doesn't teach Marlo these new tricks. :)
138. The Other Katherine said:
Dude, I started walking at 7 months. I kid you not - there are pictures of me at 6 months pulling up on a coffee table and waving a stuffed animal around in triumph. I think the only reason my mother survived is that I was her first child. So, I can totally believe that Katey's 4-month old is about to crawl.
Babyproof the house, there's no turning back!
139. Kerrie said:
Sorry...Should have been smart enough to know you would have deleted that one....But I get another chance to say OOCHIE COOCHIE COO! I want a little rubber band to put in the hair!
140. guilty noodles said:
Those were some MEAN Koreans you spoke of. I mean, kimchi is pretty nasty shit, but to lock a cat in your room? And you are right, Asians do say the meanest things as I've fully understood what's spoken, but I've only known them to be verbally abusive. I never thought they'd turn to animal cruelty.
141. Candace said:
It's been five years since my son was a non-sleeping infant and the phrase "Sleep when he sleeps" still makes me want to scream. Because - right! Of course! What original advice! Why didn't I think of that! Except the kid NEVER SLEEPS!
142. Kristan said:
LOL there are so many toys I almost couldn't find the baby!
(PS: Not sure what your captcha is trying to say... "chaos 59-year-old"?)
143. Amber said:
I loved this post and can relate to the excitement of rolling and early/amazing baby advancements! BUT I HAVE TO DEFEND ALL THE NON-CHUBBY BABIES OUT THERE! Why are those big fat babies chubby anyway? They are lazy gluttons, that's why! My incredibly adorable yet lean baby has been too busy doing wind sprints and push-ups and finding a cure for cancer to sit around on her ass eating all day!
UNFOLLOW!
Dear Liz Lemon, this is Heather's blog. NOT YOURS. SUCK IT.
144. mountainmomma18 said:
Call husband to hang up on him....I am writing that one down....don't worry I won't tell him who have me the idea.
145. Canadian mommy said:
My baby girl is almost 9 months old and started crawling about a month ago!!! Now instead of going to the bathroom alone I have company...
146. Cait said:
My 5.5 month old daughter started rolling over at 3 months and I was scared but turns out she's slowed down and I think we may get at least another 2 months without her being too mobile...Of course, as I type this she is doing push-ups- Secretly working out those muscles to one day take off when I'm not paying attention. God help us all.
147. amyp said:
i love everything about this post.
148. Cait said:
oh, and did I mention she's 21 lbs? Apparently I make super milk. Woohoo!
149. LL said:
Babies are cute! Both my girls (3 years apart) were complete opposites. Oldest crawled, walked and spoke early. Youngest waited 'till the last minute for everything before they labeled her 'special'. Kids are funny like that.
I actually scrolled down to see if you EVER got back to say what Lily DID... cracked me up.
150. Anonymous said:
Damn, that's a cute baby. I want video!
151. Nikki said:
TOTALLY screwed!!!
152. Masked Mom said:
Two things: 1)The only Korean I know is the one phrase my father brought home from two tours of duty in Korea. I wonder what it means that the only thing he could say was "Baby you got a nice looking ass." Pretty sure I won't be whipping THAT out anytime soon, but who knows?
2)My youngest son was walking at 9 months. Perhaps not coincidentally, he is also the only one of my children who has thus far been arrested.
153. kitliz said:
Four months and rockin' the hawk. That's awesome.
154. elizabethqueenmama said:
Oh, screwed is right!
My oldest (now five and becoming a toothless wonder :-)) CRAWLED at 5 months and WALKED at 10 months. My first call to poison control was when she was just 5 months, when she got one of those horrible little blue fertilizer sticks that stick into indoor plants and decided it must be candy.
But the worst, oh the WORST, was when at three years old the little devil decided that the little pop-pack of birth control pills in my bedside table drawer just must be CANDY. And proceeded to eat them. All. Almost three weeks worth of HORMONES. The call went something like this:
Me: Oh GOD my three year old just ate almost three weeks worth of my birth control pills! Do I have to get her stomach pumped? Should I call 911?
Poison Control Lady: No, she'll be fine. Just make her drink lots of milk and water.
Me: Really??? That's it??? Is she going to have any side effects??
Poison Control Lady: Well, she may get bit moody and pouty and just generally crabby.
Me: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MY THREE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS GOING TO GET PREMENSTRUAL ON ME?
Poison Control Lady: Yep. Oh, and don't freak out if she, well, spots. . .
-----------
Moral of the story? Hide your birth control pills. Out of reach.
155. Do Follow said:
OMG she's very cute,I've seen a lot of kids but she's one of the cutest.
156. Renae said:
The rolls on her arms are pure beauty. My 5 month old starting rolling over all the time at around 3-4 months and is now "squirming" all over the place. Guess he's trying to catch up with his big (2 year old) brother.
Just wait...Marlo will be eating those polly pockets before you know it.
157. Anu said:
Ohhh! I just want to eat those thighs. She is so so cute!
158. Erika said:
Ooh, poor Katie--looks like she's got one of those who can scoot before they can sit up. I had one of those. My friends would say "Oh, it's so great, the baby sits up, I can just put him down and he'll play and I'll come back 15 minutes later and he's still sitting there playing!" Nope, not me. Mine was scooting 2 months before she could sit up.
Yep, Katie's doomed... :)
159. backbone 4 jon said:
i feel sorry for jon. how sad and shameful it must be for him to have his wife wear the pants in the family. hes like a total house frau. i feel for him cuz hes very good looking and talented in his own right but his wife rules that roost and he seems so afraid to say or do anything to upset her. she kind of emotionally and verbally abuses him. its sad. oh well, at least he gets to enjoy the fruits of all the money she makes but he has to feel awful catering to her every need. i mean, at least katey gets paid well to serve heathers wishes, but what does jon get? can you put a price on the loss of your integrity and masculinity?
i, for one, love jons blog and thinks it rocks! dooce isnt the only writer/blogger in that family.
go jon- alot of people are rooting for your emancipation, someday!
160. Nel said:
I have enjoyed your blog for quite some time now. I love your stories and think you are hysterical. I am not enjoying your politics though.
I hope you go back to being your old self...not promoting a health care system that divides our country.
161. Barbara said:
I love the little mohawk she has going on.
162. Joe said:
Sick mohawk on that chubby baby. I am definitely fathering a chubby baby after seeing pictures of this kid.
163. Ohmygoshi said:
#130 "kewpie-delicious" lol i thought the same thing!!
That paragraph about the nail salon is awesome!
164. Rachel E. said:
My daughter crawled at four months and it was actually really disturbing. It just looked...weird. People assumed she was older because she was crawling which made her look pitiful and scrawny. "Oh, look at that poor 'failure to thrive' eight month old. Poor thing."
165. Kelly said:
ARRRGGHHH! Would you stop already with the adorable but possibly difficult baby stories! I want (another) one so bad. YOU ARE NOT HELPING, WOMAN.
UNFOLLOW.
(not really)
166. Starr said:
I don't understand how any mother would want her baby mobile. My first boy was very laid back and did not crawl until 9 months, walked at 14 months. His little brother, though? He started walking at 10 months. Little guy is quite the terror.
167. Laurie said:
What a cutie! It's scary to think about what's coming along! My 17 month old is now climbing on top of our nesting tables to get onto the couch! The first time I experienced this, I looked left and she was standing on them as I was sitting on the couch. Wow!
On the photo front, didn't you have some photography tips somewhere on your site? Looked the other day and no luck. And/or, any advice on a place (online or otherwise) to take a class?
Thanks!
168. Crawforn said:
Yoboseyo?
Next time tell them you are a "mee-guk-saram" (American round eyes).
169. MaNiC MoMMy said:
Phew Heather! That was a RANT! Sometimes when I'm reading Dooce and it's all over the place and so fast-paced, I just have to think of the scene in Harry Met Sally, and say, "I'll have what she's having!" You've got some good meds or an awesome caffeine buzz!
And baby Lily--Totally totally adorable!
170. baji said:
so cute!
also, if you haven't seen this video of an excellent comedy routine about the nail salon, please do so IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o
:)
171. Mrs. Wilson said:
The cuteness factor must be enormously high when all three of those little girls are in your house! Lily's mohawk is AWESOME!
Also, I hate and am allergic to cats but I love Johnny Depp. And I would have paid to see the look on those Korean people's faces when you spoke!
Beautiful post.
172. Rhonda said:
My daughter sat up at 4 months and walked at 8. She looked like some alien life form...no joke! It was neat at first and you kinds think "my kid is smarter than yours' until she realized she could run..FAST. When my nephew didn't walk till 14 months I was jealous. I say keep Marlo strapped down...FOREVER!
173. Elena said:
My daughter crawled at 5.5 months, and her older brother was walking 10 days before he turned 9 months old... I have no idea what it's like to put a baby down and have them stay put... I never got that luxury! Good luck to you both!
174. SheyFey said:
I walked at 9 months. There is also a picture of me at 3 months sitting in the back yard playing.??? I don't really remember!
BTW, that is the most adorable baby outfit I have seen EVER!!!
175. Jessica said:
Heather, be prepared for another epic vitriolic screed in your mailbox. In KOREAN. ;P
And yes, I love roly poly baby folds as well. I still squeeze my four year old's bottom every chance I get, garnering half-serious comments from my husband along the lines of "Pervert! Child molester! Why can't you do that to ME?"
176. Kelly said:
OMG, she is SO CUTE!
177. Kat said:
Yep, she'll be walking any day now.
And reading the comments, I'm shaking my head that allowing people access to affordable medical care is considered controversial.
178. jen }i{ said:
I'm just as white as you and it's ALWAYS been a dream of mine to learn Korean (and Spanish). Just so I can listen in for my entire mani/pedi and then walk out the door and say something in Korean. I want that power SO bad.
My other dream is for universal health care.
And... you are brilliant and Lily is cute.
179. Lauren From Texas said:
Aw frig, Heather. I was doing all good, taking The Pill and Making Sure My Husband Stays Away From My Lady Area, and here you go, posting cute baby pictures. If I get pregnant, I BLAME YOU.
180. mama tara said:
my first, crawled at five and a half months. this one, i hope he sits on his butt till his two.
But Katey, you should hold on to you hat, it's going to be a ride!
181. EOMama said:
Damn you and your adorable fat infant photos! Y'all are making me crave another evil baby. Please keep reminding us of how exhausted you are so I don't go and do something stupid (like conceive another set of twins)!
182. EOMama said:
Holy crap, I just read comment 159, and WHOA. Cuh-razy!
183. Renee said:
I am totally digging the hair do Lily is sporting. My two year old finally has enough hair to style!
And YES... Katy is totally screwed. The baby can move... equals your life is over... so much fun... but over...
184. Brandy said:
Maybe she is trying to work off those chubby little legs. Why would she though? She is preciously plump!
185. Jasie VanGesen said:
Anyong!
186. No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane said:
Tell her good luck, for me.
187. Anonymous said:
What is with all these white people wanting Heather to teach them how to say "hello" in Korean. Your thick American accent attempting to pronounce the greeting is a sure giveaway that you are not fluent in the language. Save yourself the embarassment from your manicurist (because ALL the manicurists of the world are Korean or some kind of Asian) and don't even try.
Asian people would rather say things in their own languages out of respect and this thing called being polite. We can probably tell you in our broken English that your toes are messed, but we rather not.
Will not unfollow. But dealing with ignorant whites who think they are being cute by learning a phrase in a different language is...a huge waste of time.
You're a beautiful writer Heather. Thanks for the laughs.
188. pogonip said:
Mobility...highly overrated.
Good hair days...priceless!
189. Yvette said:
Yes. Katy is definitely screwed. My chubby, not-so-little guy started doing that at 4 months. The day after he turned 6 months he was crawling. EVERYWHERE!!! Sigh...maybe it's a chubby-baby thing. Now at seven months he is pulling himself up and goes after everything. His favorite items are flip flops, electrical cords (which go straight into the mouth. Think about all the places those flip flops go! Blegh!) And the dogs' water bowel has become his own personal splash factory.
Note to Katy: Get the liquor and xanax ready cause you're gonna need it!
190. Jenny said:
What a dumpling!!!! NOTHING better than a chubby baby.
191. Anonymous said:
THIS, totally! And it drives me nutters.
--------------------------------
34. Nicole said:
dude, sometimes your writing gives me whiplash! Johnny Depp, infants, Koreans, cats, postpartum, tequila, AND THEN the story . . . are you POSITIVE you don't have adult attention deficit????
192. lewlew said:
Yes, TOTALLY. I left one of my 4-month-old twins asleep on my bed while I was holding the other one in the living room...WHAA I hear, plop the one I was holding on the couch, run into my room to find NO BABY. WTF?! Where'd he go?! Not on the floor, not on the other side of the bed on the floor, but I can hear him gurgling, but I just can't SEE him. I find him on the floor crammed in between the bed and the nightstand, half covered by the sheet, feet to the wall! Like he actually did a flip or something to land with his feet to the wall. At precisely this point I hear WHAA coming from the living room. The other little dude flipped himself off the couch! That was how I learned my babies could flip.
But my kids' hair wasn't nearly as rockin' as Lily's while they did it.
193. Anonymous said:
#187, you are a retard.
194. Katherine said:
Though I shudder to think just how many "UNFOLLOW!!"s you're going to get for those little tidbits about healthcare, know that in exchange for them, you get an eternal reader in me. Trust me, you're totally winning on this one. I'm awesome. And that's a fact.
195. 1111 said:
My cat decided he wanted to comment on your blog. So he wrote his name by walking on the keyboard. He apparently things much of himself, and wonders how you can not look at his beautiful body and love him instantly. Though I understand since his cuddly fur makes you allergic. On a related note, I found out today that I am allergic to band-aids. well, the generic kind. I was surprised to find out I'm *quite* allergic to them. I thought it was just heat rash..
Anyway, I wanted to say:
I love the post, as always, and most especially because you write the way that I think, though the fact that you got back to the original thought is where the resemblance ends.
196. namedphoenix said:
And my cat THINKS, not things, much of himself.
I lurve me some Heather. And those baby arms are delicious.
197. V2V said:
That is just too cute for words! Oh wow is she screwed!!!
Love your blog!
198. Liz said:
Favorite post ever.
199. LynzM said:
Laughed my ass off at the ranting, as always. :D
She. Is. Adorable.
Also: the almost-but-not-quite-nap has the power to make me, also, instantaneously more furious than many other things on this planet.
200. Be Like the Squirrel, Girl said:
Wow, Lily is amazing! My baby detested "tummy time" so much, she didn't roll until 6 months and didn't crawl at all - anything to avoid being on her belly. Which was nice in a way, because at least she would stay put! We were all screwed once she started walking, though, especially the cats.
201. Kristi said:
Oh I can NOT even imagine! The earliest any of my 3 girls crawled was 9 months. The older 2 didn't walk until almost 17 months. I didn't like it at first, but now my 14 month old is showing no signs of walking anytime soon and I'm just fine with that. I do not need another one running right now. At least I can keep better track of her with her crawling. Tell Katey-good luck!
ps-your recent tangents have me hysterical. Lack of sleep is making you even funnier!
202. Jeremy said:
PLEASE share with us the story of why you lived with several Korean ladies and their evil pooping cat(s)!!! I can only imagine the fun and hilarity!
203. Diane said:
Ahahaha, my capcha is "Nixon depraves". Yes on the healthcare, I can't even understand why there *is* a debate. BTW all you selfish dissenters, this is Heather's blog, she can say or write what she pleases. Y'all don't have to read it, or agree with it. And once and for all, she earns her money, and can spend or not. Any. way. she. and. John. Choose. Are you jealous much?
Anyway, my kid was cutting teeth an hour after he was born, talking at three months, crawling two weeks later, running at four months. ;P
Wow, Heather! You sure bring out Teh Crazies.
204. Sophie said:
My sister started walking at 9 months, ran 9 months and 1 day and figured out climbing at 9 months 2 days. Pity my poor mother.
205. Jessica said:
LOL, I won't apologize for saying sleep when the baby sleeps. When you get a 3 hour nap it feels glorious!
Love the blog and I can't believe you get over 1000 comments all the time... I hope you have someone to help weed through all of them
206. katie said:
Ha ha, watch out. I started walking at seven months, maybe she'll be like me! My parents had to super-suddenly baby-proof everything.
207. Amanda said:
OMG I never thought i would see the day - Advertising has finally won out on your site. Your blog design has always been as much of a delight as your writing ..I visited this morning and urgh..what happened..do you need more money to buy baby booties. The new alignnments to include the advertising makes reading your wit and wisdom totally different experience....its like you are a tiny tiny voice in the corner of the room shouting above the adverts on a TV thats on TOO LOUD !!!
208. Scott said:
So how do you say "Hello" in Korean? I mean I dont get Korean manicures or anything, but I am envious of that kind of power.
209. Sonja said:
I don't have anything more exciting to say than, "This post was totally awesome." I admit that I didn't think you could equal or top the World's Greatest Email, but this post makes me grovel at your feet and beg your forgiveness for ever doubting you.
210. Heather H said:
And the whole time sucking on her fist...amazing! I like my quite stationary 5 month old, thank you very much.
211. Lynn said:
Yo Bo Say Yo?
212. Erin said:
Wow! And to think my first kiddo didn't start crawling at 10 months. My second was crawling at 6 months. But 4 months - insane!
213. Have the T-shirt said:
Huh! A T-Shirt I have for sure.
You are right, Katey is totally screwed. One of my babies was physically AHEAD OF THE FREAKING BABY BOOKS! too. The child started turning over the day we brought him home from the hospital, was crawling at three months, walking at six months and RUNNING at 9 months. I shit you not.
Just as a warning to Katey, this child who was so physically advanced, was also smart as a whip. My advice to Katey is to be prepared for ANYTHING, and I mean anything, because that child of mine? Well......
I don't usually link to a post of mine when commenting, but Katey....you might wanna read this one:
http://have-the-t-shirt.blogspot.com/2007/01/how-to-prepare-for-parentho...
214. Courtney said:
You couldn't have said it better...She is screwed. With baby #1 I couldn't wait until she was mobile and she was walking at 10 months. With baby #2... I cringed when he started crawling at 10 months!
Mobility is seriously overrated!
215. Ashley said:
I love reading you Dooce, You're like Junie B. Jones for adults.
216. katie said:
god, i want another baby. your site is like baby porn for wanna-be moms.
i once had a cab driver in boston spend most of the ride from the airport on his cell phone talking about women to what i assume was some guy on the other end. in russian. thought he'd shit his pants when i thanked him IN RUSSIAN for helping me get my bags out of the trunk. worth every minute in that class for two semesters in college with that horridly stern no-fun professor.
217. Shanna said:
Ha! That's nothing. My kid was born being able to lift his head up, and started crawling - CRAWLING - at four months, on the day. I totally got screwed.
(He can also unlock my iPhone and the bathroom door.)
218. kristi said:
Dude. If you were truly a humanitarian (you with all of your - affordable healthcare! green stuff! birthin' babies!), you would teach us all to say Hello in Korean. Just sayin'. Practice what you preach. ;)
219. Anonymous said:
Ha. My daughter started pushing up on her hands and knees at 4 months but didn't start crawling until the week she turned 6 months old and couldn't roll from back to front until she was 7 months old!
Now if you'll excuse me, my now 13 month old is climbing onto the counter (the COUNTER) again...
220. Meredith said:
Ah, the sweet joy in watching babies progress through milestones -- then remembering, "oh hey, this means soon the little munchkin will be reaching for all the things to pull down and break, getting ready to walk around, then running into things and running away from you while giggling insanely." Yes, I know both the joys and horrors of developmental milestones. ;)
221. Zoe Right said:
Oh you two- these are the good years, just you wait...oh crap when did I turn into a really bad version of my grandmother?
Do you see? Do you see what happens when there are two teenagers in the house> I find myself saying things like just you wait...Ugghhh.
I'm sorry but the bit about the Korean mancurists- that was the best. I would have loved to see it, just to hear the crickets.
222. Renee said:
I have a 14-week-old son, which explains why I'm awake at 6:02 on a Friday morning commenting on your blog. I've been awake about every 40 minutes due to his new habit of only having to poo in the wee hours of the morning, but he needs all freakin' night to build up to it. And it's painful, and he screeches all night. And I'm in to the all natural stuff (I will endorse gripe water here - it's done us ok until this week), but I finally gave in just now and gave him the Infant Gas X my sister-in-law gave me (she works for Big Pharma and is totally the drug pusher in the family. How frightening that I am now the member of a family where the drug being pushed is GasX? Oy.) Anyway, I'm afraid to go back to sleep because I know I'll be ripped out of my lovely peace in less than a half hour, so I'm on the interwebs, and realize I'm a post behind in my dooceness.
Oh My God! (Sorry, I'm just not an OMG kinda girl, I gotta write the whole thing out. Yes, even in text messages.) I was laughing so hard I thought I'd wake the baby and my husband (who, by the way, moans a little each time the baby screeches in the night, but never actually wakes up).
I think I laughed so hard that the properties of transference needed to apply themselves to my laugh because I swear my son, who is all cute and nestled beside me, and damn I wish I could be sleeping now, let out a little giggle. And he hasn't actually giggled for us yet. For dooce, he'll giggle in his sleep. And I was reading this silently, in my head, not out loud. That's how funny you are. So funny my 14-week-old is willing to laugh for you.
Thanks for making it worth being awake.
Now I'm going to try to go back to sleep. Wish me luck.
223. Ms. Kim said:
If you hadn't just received the BEST response email already, I would be tempted to send you a vitriolic screed of my own.
I DO have to say that I loved the one responder that said "WHAT? You don't like Kimchi? UNFOLLOW!!!" ha ha ha!
HEALTHCARE FOR EVERYONE!
I don't think you have ADD, I think that's what makes people interesting writers. If a reader can't follow more than one story line at a time, maybe they need to get a little less sleep themselves. I don't even drink caffeine and I talk/write like that ALL of the time. (My husband DOES say, "you can't use Dooce as the example to make yourself look more normal, you're BOTH bizarre." ha ha ha, but he loves me, so he must love you too!).
I must also point out that I'm pregnant, I'm Korean and my husband is German, so if we have a baby with no head we will then be the Germanic, Headless, Korean anti-vaccination pioneers (wait, we do believe in vaccines, damn it!). . .
I think you're funny. I will have to say that I get my pedicures done often, but my manicurist is Vietnamese. I think your story is FUNNY and clearly you knew which language your manicurist was speaking, but to many of your readers I think it would be hilarious if they now go into their respective nail salons and don't know WHAT language is beings spoken and start speaking nonsense.
My friends had the rolly-polliest babies and I thought they were adorable. Their heads were also so big they weren't even on the charts (the onesies with the shoulder snaps to make the head opening larger were still too snug for their giant heads!!).
Thanks for your post. :)
224. stealthnerd said:
I am LOVING that her baby mohawk! How cute! And you're right--NOTHING better in this world than a chubby baby!
225. Mandi said:
Oh she is too precious! That last photo especially -- you can't look at that baby and not get a HUGE smile on your face. Having not been a mother (yet) myself, I can't fully sympathize, but I can imagine -- good luck, Katy! She's gonna be a (wonderful!) handful!
226. Alicia said:
One of those early crawlers is now a wicked fast 4 year-old able to elude my husband, a marathon runner, for 35 minutes in a super Target.
So, invest in good shoes and practice tennis on the Wii because you'll need some fast reflexes.
227. Elissa said:
Long time reader, but don't think I've ever commented - love your blog! I just had to completely agree with you on the not sleeping while baby sleeps. I'm a first time mom of a 6 month old and EVERYONE told me to sleep while the baby was sleeping. I can say that this was the WORST advice I got regarding babies. The minute I'd fall asleep, the baby would start stirring or crying which is, as you so eloquently put... pure agony.
You are the first person - mother or otherwise - who has expressed my exact feelings on this and I just had to say - Thank God I'm Not the Only One...
228. Tammy said:
I remember those days. Watching my daughter go through her developmental milestones was so great. Each one was a triumph. My son, who is autistic, did not meet his milestones on time. His were met in his own way and at his own time. It took a lot of work by him and us to get him to accomplish them. When he first rolled over, I was so excited. It was a major accomplishment. Now that he is ten, I still get overjoyed with each new accomplishment.
229. Janie said:
Oh Heather, you'd best keep Marlo in another room away from Lily or she might teach her.
Katey, you have a gorgeous little girl...don't know how you stop yourself from chewing her up. Look at that chubby arm! Those cheeks! That tiny peeking tongue! Precious.
And Heather, the adorable video of little Marlo's burp was just priceless...as was you're laughter.
The two of you are lucky, lucky women. Jon on the other hand? Really? Both of you pregnant at the same time? Trapped in the house all winter with 2 pregnant woman? And now. 5 women? I don't think Jon's worrying about Lily rolling over. More likely he's hoping neither of them ever learn to speak ha-ha.
230. Soph said:
Johnny Depp is MY boyfriend.
231. June said:
Baby tongue ENHANCE! What a cutie. Good luck to Katie, hope the home is babyproofed! :)
Re secret language - my mom would try to do that, except she speaks a hybrid of Japanese and English (Engrish, really), and all the key words often would accidentally be said in English. See us browsing through a posh boutique, you hear "yabba yabba UGLY DRESS yabba yabba TOO EXPENSIVE yabba yabba." LOL. Maybe it wasn't an accident after all!
232. Justine! said:
@101. Sylvia: I'm pretty sure the sheer BEAUTY of a blog is that you can say whatever you damn please!
@107.Serial: I LOVE YOU! You summed it up better than I ever could.
@129.Liz Lemon: it's comments like THIS that really bug me! someone occasionally mentioning healthcare and their stance on it IS NOT equivalent to watching the news! are you KIDDING me!? if snippets of mohawked babies and Johnny Deep were injected into the news, I'd even watch THAT!
@159.backbone4jon: go freaking cry about it! does she have a chain around his testicles? I'm pretty sure Jon helps her out as much as he does because of a little thing called LOVE.
And Heather ... LOVE this post. LOVE this blog. LOVE your writing. You would probably have to drive all the way to Maine and piss on my shoes to even make me THINK about unfollowing you ... but even then, I probably wouldn't!
233. Dharma said:
My darling son, second issue of my loins, started walking at 9 months. I remember the dread, horror and fear of watching him teeter victoriously away from the ottoman on his way to effectively destroy everything in my house that was placed below a 3 foot waterline....
If that child had been my first I don't know if I would have truly been able to appreciate how SCREWED I actually was at that point. Having an infant in the house who is completely and independently mobile is like watching a episode of COPS when they are chasing a drunk driver into the medians off the Pacific Coast highway.....dangerously close to the edge.....WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
234. Hokie Deb said:
-->I couldn't wait for my son to start crawling and pulling myself up. Idiot that I was with my first kid. We thought having two dogs with tails were bad.....not compared to a toddler.
http://www.websavymom.com
235. Kariari said:
My daughter was 10 months old when she figured out how to VAULT herself over the side of the playpen. She couldn't even walk yet, but she was able to escape the playpen. At the time my husband was deployed to Iraq and I was home with a 3 year old and a 10 month old who could now escape her 'cage'. I think I cried for an hour.
Then I bought a playpen with higher sides.
236. Rachel said:
So you hate Korean cats now too?
237. Anonymous said:
OH MAH BABYNESS!! The hair! I LOVE the hair. What a cutie!
238. Kelann said:
OMG - best post EVAR.
I love reading you and this one, top of the list.
laughed out loud several times. Your words are so
great that I can see the story unfold in my head.
LOVE IT!!! GO NUMBER 26!
239. Jodi said:
You need to teach us that Korean trick!
240. Katie said:
Okay, so you need to teach us how to say Hello in Korean. PLEASE. Because I know those ladies at the nail place are so talking shit about my feet. They always talk in this hushed voice, so that you think they are talking to themselves. And then some lady across the room starts talking back to her in her hushed voice, muttering some Korean response. They are like aliens, or something, those Korean nail ladies.
Is it that odd for a four month old to flip over from back to stomach? Still - Katey is definitely screwed. That kid is going to be mobile and soon!
241. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said:
Go, Lily, go!!!
(Also, what a beautiful name!)
242. Hoso said:
Heather,
You had me cracking up here. So funny...
Is "Hello?" on the phone same as "Hello" when you greet somebody in person? If so, it's "Un yon hasse yo". Is that right?
That and "I love you" are the only Korean words I know.
243. BOSSY said:
It's not a classic Depp/Stroganoff tale, but sort of cute anyway.
244. Anonymous said:
Screwed is definitely right!
My baby girl started flipping over at about 4 months. Her twin brother could rollover around the same time, but for some reason chose not to make it part of his daily routine (Thank you son).
Today, they are 6 months. She's moving backwards as smooth and as quick as Michael Jackson's moonwalk. She's also decided to start propelling herself forward (face first). I know it's progress, however, if you add that to the fact that her brother has now decided to show off how well he can flip over and over, leads to a very SCREWED mommy.
245. Katherine SOLOdotMOM said:
Yes you need to teach us how to say hello in Korean... great post... and how cute is she!!
246. Anonymous said:
Totally agree with 187. I'm saying this as someone who's loved your site for years, too...but I wish you'd approached this all a little differently--the situation, as well as your tone in this post.
I'm not thrilled that a lot of the commenters seem to think it's the BEST THING EVAR OMG that you threw around one simple Korean phrase and now want to go throw around phrases like this themselves to make them feel all trendy and awesome (not to mention, just assuming that the Asian ladies working at their local salons/etc. all speak Korean...). It smacks of...I don't even know what, but I don't like it. Everyone needs to hang out in more diverse crowds, because this trend of co-opting random bits of other cultures for the sake of novelty isn't cool.
Seriously, I am a big fan of your site and a big supporter of you. But please be careful with how you handle these types of situations--you do have power, and I'd really appreciate it if you don't perpetuate racial insensitivity, no matter how subtle or seemingly inconsequential, because it all can have a negative impact.
<3
247. LisaLisa said:
S.C.R.E.W.E.D. Speaking from experience. My 2nd just turned 10m yesterday and started WALKING a few weeks ago. it went like this:
4m rolled over (YEAH smart baby)
5m sat up (no worries her big sis sat early too but didn't walk until 12m)
6m army crawled (huh, that's strange)
7m full fledged crawling (this doesn't seem right)
8m attempting stairs 3 at a time (lock her up)
9m walking (AHHHHHHH)
10m - unknown HEAVEN HELP US!!!!
248. Barnabas Monkeypants said:
Here is a completely unscientific comment, so take it for what it's worth:
I really think that shorter, chubbier babies advance more quickly in learning new physical things. I have a friend whose daughter (who is wonderfully chubby and on the short side) is 5 days younger than my son (very, very long and pretty thin), but was rolling over, standing, crawling, and walking months earlier than our son.
I've seen similar things in a few other babies.
Maybe it's that they have stronger muscles needed to move the extra weight. Maybe it's a lower center of gravity. Who knows?
So with my subject population of about 5 babies, I can confidently say that my hypothesis is completely correct.
249. kg - elegraph said:
Love the kewpie hair!
Oh, yes... and the rolling over... it's scary when it becomes a series of rolls that takes her from the little activity mat to, say, under the sofa or whatever. Oh, how we parents know that hitting milestones is a double-edged sword... congrats to her, though... that is one precious little girl.
Kam-sa ham-ni-da (I think that's 'thank you' in Korean? I'm Korean, but in ethnicity only... I can speak more Spanish and Japanese than Korean!!).
kg
250. Anna C said:
I love LOVE that your assistant can bring her baby to work. Talk about a family friendly employer.
PS. Health care reform NOW!
251. Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said:
The hair. OH MY GOD THE HAIR.
I can't believe soon you will have TWO crawling babies scooting around your home. Is it mean that I can't wait to hear about all the chaos?
252. Lynn @ human, being said:
My daughter started crawling at 5.5 months and started walking on her 10 month birthday. And gave up napping completely when she was 18 months old. So yeah, screwed is the operative word.
253. the niffer said:
OMG, totally screwed.
The folds! Those delicious folds! Love her.
254. Baby shower pro said:
These pictures are adorable!! She is so cute, but the picture quality is really great too. It's hard to choose, but I think my favorite is the 3rd one. She kind of looks like she's posing!
255. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said:
Totally. Screwed. For. Sure.
256. Katie said:
Great - now I want stroganoff - with or without johnny -
257. Katie Kat said:
I swear Heather, you have (if this is even possible) gotten even funnier since having Marlo! I always love reading your blog (no matter the subject or tone), but these entries have truly made me laugh out loud. Maybe it's the loss of sleep on your part. Or the tequilla at 10am, I'm not sure. I would TOTALLY move to Utah and stalk you (and Katey because she sounds like the bee's knees), but I lived in Arizona for 10 years and I have a horrible reaction to Mormons en masse. My eyes roll back in my head and I need to drink pop and flail about saying "MAGIC ROCKS? IN A HAT? SERIOUSLY???" and "MAGIC UNDERWEAR - ARE YOU BAT SHIT?"
But anyway. Lily's hair is beyond kewpie and you absolutely MUST post a picture of all her rolls. My kiddo was completely NOT a chubby baby, which bummed me out because, DOOD, chubby baby is just the most delish thing in the world (next to Johnny Depp naked in the kitchen cooking beef stroganoff).
YOU ROCK.
258. Anonymous said:
I totally agree with #246. Most nail salons in Southen California are owned and run by VIETNAMESE people. VIETNAMESE and KOREAN are two different races. They are both not CHINESE, which is an entirely different race. Though Vietnam, Korea and China are all on the same continent of Asia, they do not share the same language.
As a mother of 3 and teacher, it makes me so SAD to think that this kind of blantant racism/ignorance is condoned and thought of as something that is "funny." It's not.
259. leesavee said:
If Johnny Depp DOES come over and cook beef stroganoff in your kitchen (or Katey's kitchen) please get pictures AND the recipe. I could use a good recipe for beef stroganoff!
OMG -- Katey, you are in DEEP trouble, girlfriend! Next thing you know, she will be running. And climbing. AND DATING!!!
The HORROR!!!
260. Wacky Mommy said:
Sweetness of Lily.
261. tracy said:
That was an awesome post on many levels, but mostly because it was written how I often write, which is also how I talk: long, rambling, semi-digressive. Is that vain?
But yeah, when my daughter was 8 months & started taking steps, I knew I was in trouble.
262. leesavee said:
OK, Lily's hair is TOTALLY Martin Short as Ed Grimley on Saturday Night Live a zillion years ago.
263. Sarah said:
I love the hair! You go, Lily!
264. JessicaRabbit said:
Like others before me, I must add that my second son starting walking at 9 months old. So he could chase after his older brother. He did everything earlier then my first son and with more determination.
Yesterday my first son graduated boot camp and became a Marine. Wonder what the second one is planning to top that.
You are in SO much trouble with those two girls LOL.
265. cutestbabygirlevah said:
Seriously adorable!
I had one of those. He climbed before he could crawl. And crawled faster than all the walkers walked. Once he could walk, he RAN. And he still does. In circles around everyone else.
Have fun with that!!
266. lesley said:
A friend's cat farted on my face once when I was sleeping on her couch. Hate. Cats.
267. Anonymous gorilla said:
Teach your children to be God-fearing. Teach them what is expected, neither being possible if the parents don't understand themselves.
Do you women REALLY understand exactly how bad abortion hurts you in the eys of the Gods?
No matter how well things go in your relationship with the Gods you can kiss immortality goodbye.
The Meaning of Life
The voice you hear in your head is the power of the Gods. It's a remote technology, like a computer, perhaps functioning on some frequency, and it can listen and talk to everyone in the universe simultaneously.
What the Gods taught the children was the truth:::God is everywhere, and as you will learn:::If you want to go to heaven you have to be good.
It is a tool, and the Gods use their tools to test people with temptation:::It will role-play people in your life:::Parents, friends, spouses, and employers in an attempt to corrupt people. Ionically, it does the very same thing to those people whom you think you're hearing, except in that individual's unique way:::We are all managed by the God's technology.
But this "agent of the Gods" can do more than just communicate. It can force thoughts into people's heads, force behaviors onto their bodies. It can turn healthy cells in your body into cancerous cells. It is absolute power. And this is just the beginning.
The Gods favor the children most among all the people due to their innocence and purity. But society and the God's tools therein are corrupting the children at a progressively younger age, a reflection of our collectively increasing disfavor and yet another clue illustrating we live in a constantly deteriorating environment.
Children who fix their problems with the Gods accend into heaven. This often takes multiple lives of hard work and proper behavior to achieve. Adults to whom it is offered enter clone hosting, thinking they are accending into heaven. The Gods sell them as one in the same, but one is good while the other is evil. In their desperation the disfavored subscribe to this temptation, making their task even more difficult than before. And their corruption will cost the disfavored, for they will be reincarnated as a lesser life form into an ever deteriorating world, sucess becoming ever more alluding with each passing life.
The hole they've dug for themselves is even deeper than the one that existed from their prior lives, ensuring it will take even more time and work to fix their problems with the Gods. And for many there may not be enough time left.
Ours is an envionment where evil is perceived to be rewarded while good is punished. As with everything the Gods have a reason for creating this perception::::
People who fall on the good side of the good/evil scale have more favor, and when they do something wrong the Gods punish them BECAUSE THEY WANT THEM TO LEARN. The Gods want them to receive this feedback in hope they make corrections and begin to behave appropriately. The Gods DON'T like evil and refuse to grant this feedback.
EVERYBODY pays for what they do wrong, only evil people must wait until their next life before they will experience the wrath of the Gods, manifested in their placement as a lower form of life into environments with increased/enhanced temptations.
Sadly, this allows the Gods to position this perception of evil rewarded as temptation, one which they use as an EXTREMELY effective corruptor.
The Gods suggest they can create paradise for those with their favor. I argue they create misery for those without.
The gods are promoters of evil under the guise of temptation.
Our celebrity culture is temptation. It creates a distraction which consumes people, sometimes for life. Certainly it costs them precious years which could be spent repairing their relationship with the Gods, time that ultimately goes wasted.
Do you really think Frank Sinatra lived to be 84 years old?
These people are clone hosts. Now, there is no thing as "black and white" with the Gods. This technology they invented is far, far too dynamic. Expect they require most to stay for a period of time, for I suspect actively engaging in evil incurrs at an accelerated rate as compared to their clone hosts. They remain until they achieve a pre-determined level of disfavor, incurring evil in their misguided celebration of "earning", at which time they are ultimately reincarnated.
The Gods recruit for clone hosting when people are young, in their late teens or twenties, when people are eager to hurt others for what they perceive to be the assets achieved through "earning". And before they leave they give the Gods "carte blanche":::"Do anything you want. I give my full approval." Depending on their level of disfavor the Gods take them to heart.
These people are STILL INCURRING EVIL FROM THIS LIFE DESPITE BEING REINCARNATED AND LIVING AS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON. And this amount of evil incurred will likely push many of them over the edge into Damnation.
What are the God's standards for offering clone hosting? Sociobility? Many tactics are used to gain approval, duress during the Vietnam draft being a good example.
They liked Heath Ledger. Not enough to allow him to escape without the evil of "Dark Knight" and the horrific wickedness that was the recruiting tool "Brokeback Mountain". But now he is out. And irregardless of how old he is now, reincarnated 10, 15 years ago, he now is no longer incurring evil from this life. So many others cannot say the same.
This is Planet Reverse Positioning. Sucess IS NOT a sign of favor. It is just a unique temptation targetted towards a different level of disfavor. Considering our roots as peasantry people should be particularly alarmed at this tactic.
Clone hosting is like money:::A different level of disfavor and its associated temptation. Money is in better position to learn more quickly than those without, proving the improved level of favor. Unfortunately, those who fall for this temptation of clone hosting are likely returned to their original level of disfavor, punishment for this evil, once they are reincarnated, and they have to start from scratch.
The Gods send the clue that the Jews are HIGHLY corruptable with the movie "The Ten Commandments".
Jesus was the "King of the Jews". Typical for the disfavored, once goals were achieved and sufficient damage was incurred the Gods allowed it to end, and the Jews killed him.
Our society's values are a reflection of (bestowed by) the God's:::Punitive and reward-based. Contrary to Jesus's teaching's you will NOT be forgiven and you have to earn your way into heaven.
There is no such thing as a free ride.
As we learned from religious/morality education during our formitable years:::If you want to go to heaven you have to be good. The only savior that will exist in our lives is ourselves. The Gods offer clues in life::::Be it school, work, etc., you have to do the work for yourself.
As like so many of you, Jesus did everything the Gods tempted him with. His legacy of whorism is the legacy inherited from his parents:::Mary was no virgin. Rather, she was a prostitute, and when he grew up Jesus met someone like his mother. This is a cruel joke the Gods play on Latinos, similar to the rape and subsequent "missionary work" by the Spanish. And it is due to their disfavor.
Baptism does not allieviate "original sin". Rather, baptism PLACES original sin by indoctrinating these children into this evil religion, much like circumcision was a method to inflict early damage/mutilation and make permanant accention just that much more difficult, another hurdle one must overcome. Body ornamentation (tattoos/piercing), celebrated in Africa and elsewhere among disfavored peoples/cultures, also violates the body the Gods gave us in their image, quite contrary to the positive attitudes the disfavored hold regarding this practice.
This is just another example of "reverse positioning", a tactic which the Gods have frequently integrated into Planet Earth's history::::The Second Coming of Christ is evil while the Anti-Christ will try to save Planet Earth by reinstituting so many of mankind's past norms and mores which made life decent, looking like a facist, the "bad guy" in this modern era of indecency.
The Gods created the perception "Italians are stupid.", ensuring a slow learning curve, to justify using them to accomplish goals throughout the transitional 20th century.
Everyone who failed to accend and remained on Earth past a certain date will be forced to deal with this positioning::::A ceiling is in place.
This serves the God's goal of minimizing the percentage of potential candidates as society deteriorates, much as "instant gratification" did beginning in the 80s:::It will take multiple lives for some disfavored to fix their relationship with the Gods and accend, and many have been conditioned not to have the patience for it.
Whether behavior is involuntary or based on freewill depends on one's level of disfavor, as well as other complex factors:::::May I remind you about the coercitive envionment the Gods created in the 20th century, specifically to create a temptation that few Italians (or their associates) would overcome:::"We're in control. If you want to be a part of it you'll do what you're told.". Early-mid 20th entury positioning was infallible.
Both Africa and the Medittereanean are regions which have sexual issues. This is a sign of gross disfavor once you understand that females are the God's favored gender. Muhammad's (Mohammed's) polygamy halfway throught his life as a prophet was preditory, designed to corrupt the disfavored. Now a huge percentage of Muslims believes in male superiority and that the abuse of women is God's will. Female genital mutilation is still practiced in Africa. Black misogyny is the most eggregious example in United States. Consistant with Planet Reverse Positioning, in Africa blacks are being punished with AIDS for their sexual promiscuity in hope they learn and correct their behavior.
Vailing is tradition for some, practical for others, one which aids in the men's self control among some cultures. Much like the Jews who killed Jesus, like the bigots who oppose immigration there is a reason embraced by the masses and the real purpose, displaying the intent of the Gods::::Closure that was the life of Jesus Christ; Offer a clue to purebloods that they should not abandon their motherland.
The patriarchal cancer spread throughout Europe because of Christianity, of which the majority of policy makers were Italian men.
The Holocaust was a clue the Gods utilize scapegoatting as a strategy.
Why did the Gods punish the Jews with the Holocaust? Was it for the destruction of cultures which Christianity caused? Perhaps they corrupted the Jews "after the fact", telling 19th/early 20th century Jews that Jesus "earned" for the Jews by preying upon the Europeans and other cultures which the missionaries destroyed? The German destruction of European churches/cathederals during WWII is a clue. Note::::The Gods wanted to keep the Catholic stronghold in Italy, ensuring they could use this tool against these disfavored for many years to come. There is so much Godlessness today, but one day people will flock back to houses of worship out of desperation, and the Gods ensured the Catholic Church would be Italian's destination.
Planet Reverse Positioning:::The Nazis were the "good guys". So are the Muslims/Palestinians, however corrupted some are due to polygamy.
The Gods subsequently used revenge for the Holocaust as temptation::::"Your Italian brothers have a tool, a special power which can achieve sweet revenge. Are you interested??"
In the aftermath of the Holocaust the Gods tested the Jews with the temptation of revenge, an offer which many gladly accepted. If the Jews only would have emersed themselves in Judism the Gods would have "protected" them from the raveges of temptation. Judism may be the one superior religion in all the world, and the Jews wouuld have been wise taking refuge in this exceptional benefit bestowed by the Gods rather than looking for the easy way out.
Similar to the United States, recently illustrated by the deposition of Saddam Hussein, a necessity demanded by the Gods foe this level of disfavor to maintain this benefit, their partners Isreal are preditors.
Much as with the Jesus event, the Gods use the disfavored to prey on each other::::The Germans fell for this temptation by following the preditor/corruptors-Austrians (Hitler).
Without this Austrian the Holocaust may never have happened. Nor may have World War II.
What the Germans did was wrong. They fell for temptation and failed to have empathy for the disfavored. Economic desperation, not wisdom nor enlightenment, dominated in Germany.
The Gods send many clues suggesting the great favor of the Germans (regionally). I think the Cold War's Berlin Wall dividing Germany into east and west was a clue suggesting this. I suspect the Holocaust was used to "level the playing field" in Europe, for the Germans had far too much favor to be included in the agenda planned for their neighbors otherwise, and the Germans would have been suspiciously out of place.
Militancy in Africa is consistant with the Iraqi example, as was slavery and the KKK here in America:::Fear enforces proper behavior. Without it we see what happens as a result of gross/morbid disfavor:::::AIDS, crack babies, dead young men in gangland retaliation killings.
The same principle was true in Europe and throughout the world for centuries:::People whom lived under iron fists were conditioned to think the right way. As a result they taught their children appropriately and as a result experienced a higher percentage of their children accend into heaven.
Our preditory envionment of "freedom" was the primary purpose the Gods had when implimenting this strategy that is the United States, one which they used to spred the cancer of democracy and westernization throughout the world. And the Gods use this tool that is America to prey on the disfavored both at home and abroad:::Much like the ghetto, America in general experiences a heightened level of temptation due to its residence's disfavor.
Italians HATE Africans because of their invasion/rape of their motherland. The Gods did this SPECIFICALLY to strategically position the punishment of the most disfavored peoples and their 20th century goals:::
The Gods have used the ghettos of America as a reincarnation dumping ground. This may be temporary/cyclical, illustrated by the Italians who fell for temptation and parlayed their own civil war into the Black Wars of the 80s and 90s, in addition to the "thug life"/gangster state of mind. Ironically, it was these same Italians and their cooperating associates who were reincarnated into the ghetto as crack babies and gangster thugs for this event.
There is justice in the universe. This is how the Gods do business. Once you recognize the patterns you will understand their other clues to the people.
Of course it may be more of a permanant change, indicated by the enhanced temptations in these neighborhoods, for the Gods have created these enviornments so riddled with temptation few can escape/overcome.
The patriarchal cancer spread throughout Europe because of Christianity, of which the majority of policy makers were Italian men. Expect the largest landowner in Europe and the continent's original superpower also played a major role in African slavery.
Even the Old Testiment is not to be taken literally, but the Gods do offer clues throughout to help the disfavored:::The apple is a tool of temptation used to corrupt Adam and Eve and cast them out of the Garden of Eden.
There is another lesson to be learned from this passage, and it is quite similar to the vailing issue and the discourse over women's attire which ultimately died in the 70s:::Women are responsible for and control the fate of mankind.
Think about what I say. Consider what I teach.
When I am no longer here or no longer teach the Gods ARE NOT going to share with you.
Even if you doubt now you need to remember the principles that I teach because the Gods ARE NOT going to be generous with the disfavored. Society is going to become disturbingly ugly as we approach the Apocalypse due to spiralling, runaway disfavor, and you are going to be on your own.
I do not know when this will occurr, but it is the God's way to grant some time after a learning event such as this before they end on Planet Earth.
Make the decision to always be good and never look back. Until you do this technology will employ tactics to test your resolve:::Ridicule, beligerance, doubt and refusal to abandon what people perceive to be their "investment".
Either you make that decision now and accept the punishment for the sins of this life or you will pay for it in the next, reincarnated into a similarly low role, ensuring another wasted opportunity, or as a even lower form of life, and hope will begin to slip away.
"You benefit only if your team wins." The Gods use my family's betrayal and my subsequent "failure" as a clue. You benefit if you suceed as a parent and your child accends:::These parents may subsequently be reincarnated with a similar opportunity.
Pray daily. Think appropriately. Impart these charecteristics upon your children. Too many are confident, unaware of the God's awesome powers or their status as antients. Others may fall prey to their positioning.
Be humbled, God-fearing and beware of the God's temptations, for everyone is tested to evaluate their worthiness.
By the time the Apocalypse rolls around the conservative element will have had to accept the homosexuality of many of their children even in the heartland of America, young people who celebrate this "progressive" change. Just like black neighborhoods, the legalization of marijuana will make drugs available on every street corner, even in the suburbs, because of your runaway disfavor, just like the ghetto.
The Second Coming will preach "peace, love and dope", and will look like a tyrant in this demented society. The Anti-Christ will speak of a different gospel, one that tries to restore the norms and mores which the Gods originally blessed upon the people, looking like a tyrant in the process.
He will be viewed as the "bad guy" when really he is the one trying to save the world.
"CD". If true, the reference is a bad sign.
Of course, I'm not here for a good reason. None of us are.
To be reincarnated into the disturbing, indecent age which the 20th century represented illustrates failure.
And as you believe its "big lies" hope begins to slip away.
I'm going to lose immortality in my dungeons, torturing the 50 who played a part in doing this to me.
And of course I will want clones of the Gods as well.
I want them to be brain-less, and yes, a fully functioning body without a brain IS possible with their technology. Unfortunately, the Gods have a disturbing dark side, and instead of granting me their brain-less clones they will instead put in my beloved daughter and enjoy the irony while I mercilessly torture her to death.
A glimpse into their pathology.
Another example:::As a child, numerous times at my elementary school they strategically placed torn-out pages of hard-core pornography magazines to see if they could corrupt the child at a tender age. As it was they instructed AI to alter my behavior so they would have a defense, contrived credibility issues to utilize in this game of the milenium.
There is an endless list of disturbing behaviors such as these throughout history. If you knew the truth you'd be appopriately frightened.
268. ahappyhippymom said:
Your so right about the sleep! My son is 22 months and catnaps for 20 minutes. Then he is up and running again, full force!
269. Megan said:
LOL! The Korean nail salon makes me think of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine could tell that the Korean ladies were ripping on her every time she entered the salon to get her nails done, so she gets George's dad (who speaks Korean from being in the Korean War) to go with her.
Then when they are dissing her and the dad, he starts yelling at them in Korean and they hiss, "A SPY!!!!" and permanently ban her from their salon.
270. Anonymous said:
WTF, #267??? Seriously?
271. Peggy said:
My grand daughter Olivia is 12 weeks old and is holding her head up, giggling, smiling, and the girl is the gassiest baby I've ever met! She also has more hair than we know what to do with. The girl was born salon ready!
You can check out her most recent pictures as she took part in her mommy and daddy's wedding last week: http://serendipitysmiles.com/2009/09/01/the-wedding/
(and by the way, I'm the hot, sexy, grand mother)
272. elismsue said:
So damn cute!! All my babies had those folds and mannequin hands that looked like they got screwed onto their arms.
Can't leave out Marlo, though! Those eyes..I see so much of Leta in her
Bottom line, all 3 girlies are gorgeous!
Sue
273. Pixi said:
Too damn cute! Where do you people order the babies with the big blue eyes??? OMG. I totally want one.
274. Amy said:
She's not chubby, she's hiding a 9 month old in there
275. elise said:
OK first off - #267 - this is not your personal soap box, it took me 5 minutes to scroll through your ridiculously long tirade to get to the bottom to post my comment, wow.
ANYWAY - Heather this post is hilarious!! I've been so busy at work I've not been able to read your blog as much as I'd like and hot damn I've missed it. Plus Katey's baby is too cute with her little spike of hair!
276. Pam said:
love love love that last pic!
ahnyo he-ZEYo
277. MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said:
Not to take away the focus because that child is a cutey, but PLEASE oh please teach us how to say Hi in Korean. Please!
278. dooce said:
I have to leave up comment #267 just for ITS PURE AWESOMENESS.
279. Morgan said:
267-AWESOME! I had NO idea that movies were clues from the gods. What a great excuse to do nothing but watch movies from now on. And I'll blame it all on YOU. :)
280. Annie said:
My son is 5 months old, and he is the same way! Scares the crap out of me to think he might be crawling when he is 6 months old. I mean, can his brain even handle the responsibility of being mobile at that point?? lol
Oh, and I would throw tantrums like a 5 year old when I'd try to nap while my son was napping and he'd wake up the second my head hit the pillow! I swear he could hear it. It was an exercise in futility, indeed.
HA HA! What an appropriate Captcha for the first day of school... "teacher's killjoy"
281. Channeling Barney Frank said:
Woohoo...number 267. On what planet do you spend most of your time?
282. Amy said:
I couldn't agree more with the awful advice of "sleep when baby sleeps." Besides being completely impractical, the catnaps are killer.
Onto the 4 month old flipping. Holy shitmeister. My 10 week old doesn't even like tummy time and barely picks her head up at all. She too enthralled with her putting her hands in her mouth. Your assistant is screwed!!!
283. taty said:
fess up, how many of you are too busy gawping at #267 to comment on the actual post?
anonymous gorilla, I hope you make a website so that I can share the gospel with my friends.
284. Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said:
I do so love how you tell a story! Fabulous. Except the part about starting to crawl at 4 months. That's a wee bit scary.
285. Anonymous said:
#246, you couldn't have explained it better. That's why so many foreigner's dislike Americans.
286. Anonymous said:
I really enjoy reading your blogs. Also, what a cute story, and yes, you are in trouble! :)
287. Michael said:
I worked with a number of Filipinas at my last job. Once in a while, we would share a lunchtime, and a group of 5 or 6 of them would be sitting together, chatting away in Tagalog.
Knowing I had married a Filipina, every couple of months the most vivacious one, Rosa, would stop and say, "Mike? You don't speak Tagalog, right?"
"No, Rosa, I don't."
"OK," she would say, and they would continue.
288. Kristina said:
Holy tuft of hair, Batman! Lily is so big for having been born three seconds ago, I swear. I guess Marlo's going to be entering high school tomorrow? Cripes!!!
289. Esther Kim said:
Wow to Dooce and her mommy blogging minions, are your lives so privileged and devoid of any purpose that attaining 'power' over people of color working in NAIL SALONS because of fear that they're judging your 'nasty' toes is the new fun thing to do? Last week it was SpoonMe with the girls on Wednesday nights, this week it's learning a single word in one language to freak out a bunch of people? If that's the case, why don't you just go down to Temple Square and scream 'PENIS' at the top of your lungs? I'm sure that'll get you some attention. Hey, how about pulling up to a group of day workers and asking for papers? Ha ha, hilarious. Especially the part when they scatter! Same difference, right?
I find it fascinating that the focus of a post about a baby rolling over turned into a bandwagon hopping, mean girls-esque bashing of a stereotypical image of a group of people whose life dreams probably weren't to cater to whiny white women and their jacked up soles. But now I'm sure someone is going to tell me if they didn't want to do this job they could get another one. Yeah, because employment as well as access in general is completely equalized in this country when someone cannot speak the language at a 'reasonable' level. Discrimination doesn't exist anymore! Martin Luther King! Rosa Parks! OBAMA!!!
Then again, I'm sure those sneaky foreign language babbling devils who run the convenience stores, dry cleaners, nail salons and restaurants you frequent are all saying shit behind your backs because of the covert implication everyone's sharing looks over but no one is outright saying: They're different from us! They're speaking in a language we don't understand! This makes us paranoid and insecure! I'm uncomfortable, and when I'm uncomfortable, I get mad, 'cause I live in AMERICA where entitlement only works in one favor, MINE! Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that they MUST be talking shit about us. EVERYONE SEE THAT SEINFELD EPISODE?!? IT'S THE TRUTH!!! LET'S BE ENTITLED DOUCHEBAGS!!' *cue the Toby Keith music*
But I'm sure you all have friends of every color, creed and nationality so you're not racist AT ALL, just look at this photo on facebook from when I went to Guatemala to build wells for all of those grateful indigenous people/my best friend is Mexican/I adopted a baby from China/my great grandma was a Cherokee Princess/Sushi is my favorite food/Michael Jackson's 'Black or White' is my jam -- so it'll be dismissed, chalked up to the mad rantings of a hypersensitive angry Korean American woman who has no idea what I'm talking about, because, hey, did I mention that RACISM IS DEAD?! Just like patriarchy. And someone will probably go all 3rd grade on my ass, tell me their dad can beat up my dad, not invite me to their birthday party and call me a retard (I'm looking at you Anonymous 193. Touche.)
Yeah yeah, it's all just a joke right? Don't take it so seriously. It's easy for someone to say that when they don't understand the real implications these jokes have on people who aren't you. Because, you know, my most favorite thing int he whole entire world is to talk shit on the content written by the queen of the Mommy Bloggers on her own site (bring it).
P.S. Kudos to #187, #246 and #258 for saying something.
290. dooce said:
Esther, I actually *did* go to Guatemala to build wells for all of those grateful indigenous people, I cannot believe you would denigrate those efforts in such a way.
291. Becky said:
I cannot get enough of you lately, Heather! You are so hilarious, and yes, a busy baby is a rough deal. Poor Katey.
Totally different subject... my daughter started Kindergarten two weeks ago here in Iowa. Has Kindergarten started for Leta yet? I am dying for a first day of school post and picture!!!!!!!!!
292. Cate said:
OMG the hair!!!
It almost, ALMOST makes me want one :)
293. Janet said:
Well that is one darling little chubby baby, I must say! I have to agree that she is quickly going to be harder to keep tabs on! Whatever you do, don't let Marlo see her flipping and scrunching; you know how THOSE BABIES are! Don't want to be outdone!
294. Becky said:
Ya know... I had read your post and commented without reading any other comments first. I was surprised by the readers who wrote about your political viewpoint or even took offense to the story you shared about the salons. I have followed you for a long time, and enjoy the way you write just about as much as I enjoy the content of your messages. You are a real mom in America, and yet, I don't know how you do it, Heather. I guess it's the beauty of free speech... you are able to write what you choose and we have the freedom to not only follow you, but also respond or vent or laugh or cry or even start to unfollow. Kudos to you, Heather, for having the courage to continue to blog. I know that Leta and Marlo are going to grow up and be so proud of their mama!
295. #246 said:
Come on, Heather. None of us are joking here. It would be nice if you would take us seriously and reflect on your tone and general outlook in this post. Esther's post was very emotionally charged, but I agree with her. Just because you aren't actively discriminating against Koreans in your post doesn't mean there isn't an element of latent racism there anyway. A LOT of people make similar comments without realizing there are biases behind them they're completely unaware of.
And I still stand behind what I said about people wanting to throw around random phrases in other languages just to seem cool and trendy--it's horribly tacky, and just flat-out sickening, to see how many people have posted here begging you to teach them the one phrase of Korean that you know so they can use it with every Asian American (since everyone who looks alike must speak the same language) they suspect of gossiping about them (obviously we're gossiping about you whiteys, because we have no other reason to speak in any language besides English in America!). Not that I'm pinning the blame on you for their ignorant comments--but as Asian Americans, we would really appreciate if you'd say something to point out that they really need to stop it.
Once again, I'm writing this as a longtime fan of your site. I routinely call my friends out on this stuff because it isn't acceptable from anyone in this day and age, especially not from someone whose voice reaches--and influences--many thousands of people.
296. #246 said:
Er, addendum--we might not all be Asian Americans. I at least know that I am!
297. ommax3 said:
holy cow #267....pure awesome crapola
love the story...squirrel....story...squirrel...
writing style...read today for the first time...going to have to go back through the archives...
ahn yo high so...Hello in phonetics....don't say it to your vietnameese mani pedi girl though.
Omma is mom in Korean...
298. Jaje said:
Flipping Babies! That is one of the unmentioned signs of the Apocalypse, I believe. Also could be used as a curse in the presence of mormons.
ON THE OTHER HAND! you know what I LOVE! I love that my healthcare is NOT RUN BY THE GOVERNMENT! Because that would suck. Why would anyone WANT to add more red-tape into that system!?
But for course that's not why I'm here! Wait, why am I here? Oh! Because I love your blog. Even when you're a nut. ^_^
299. Rachel said:
Heh, my adorably chubby four month old did exactly the same yesterday - I'm scared!!
300. enygma said:
Wow, I read your posts on the types of comments you get but I never really bothered to scroll through all of them until now.
I don't really care that you don't like kimchi (to each his own, right?) or that you frequented a nail salon ran by Koreans and you pulled out a Korean phrase that made them stop and stare. Hey, we all have experience with that or wish we could do that. After all, people occasionally seem surprised that I can speak English, much less teach English literature.
However, I agree with a couple of the other commentors that some of your other readers need to learn more sensitivity in regards to their interaction with people of other cultural backgrounds.
When I see comments like this:
--------------------------------------------------------
84. Restless Mama said:
You no likey the Kimchi? UNFOLLOW!!! Kidding...maybe? *wink*
That baby looks delicious! Go, baby, go! Roll with yo' rolls!
Katey is beyond screwed dude.
--------------------------------------------------------
I can't help but be offended because of the commentor's assumption that a person who is Korean and/or speaks limited English can't even pronounce the word, "like", correctly. Whether she's aware of it or not, that is a racist stereotype.
I think a lot of the frustrations felt by Esther is that you have a lot of power because you are a good writer with a strong following and rather than quell some of the commentor's behavior, you're sitting back and passively allowing them to continue making generalizations.
I'm not going to "unfollow" or anything, but I'm just posting this so that you, and other readers/potential commentors (who manage to make it this far), will understand how some of us--by some, I mean Asian Americans--feel and why.
301. Anonymous said:
if nothing else, the (perceived) insensitivity and underhanded racism is emblematic of a large portion of the readership, which likely is reflective of the same proportional population in the u.s.
i mean, hell, dubya served 2 terms in the white house.
302. Pam said:
Well it probably does seem assy and privileged to talk about Power when someone of a different ethnicity than you is doing your damn toes.
I agree with 300 and say whoa on those racial stereotypes y'all.
On the other hand I did learn to say 'hello' in Korean from a fellow that works in a shop that I go to, and I used it to surprise him the next time that I came back. What reaction I got was friendly smiles and chuckles. I don't think it's horrid and stupid and whatever else some have said just to say something in a different language just to be friendly. And I did already know that the guys in the store were Korean before I asked him for the word, I did not assume that everybody who looks a certain way is from a particular country or other.
303. Momish said:
You know, I thought you were sort of exaggerating in the post you wrote a while back (i.e. now I pissed off the headless people...) But I see you were not. I agree with Enygma in so far as it can be upsetting to be the target of jokes and insensitivity and honestly don't blame her or the others for wanting to voice their opinions/concerns (especially when done so respectively). But on the other hand, stereotyping is a fact of life and not always with the intent to be cruel or demeaning. Who hasn't felt insecure in a room full of people talking in a different language, wondering if they are talking about you? I read that story to be self-depreciating in a funny way about you and not demeaning towards another culture, but then again I am not Asian American, so who knows how I would have taken it if I was. Or maybe I'm just thick skinned. As an Italian American, I don't get offended every time someone mocks "Yo Adriann!" just because my name ends in a vowel. If I did, I probably would have gone postal in the 80's. Oops, just pissed off all the postal workers, didn't I?
And #279? If you actually read all that, I'm just in awe and humbly beg you to start a book club with me!