Ugh! If you're going to be on the detestable Dr. Phil show, please be sure you kick HIM when doing your Dr. Feel schtick! No, seriously. Kick him.

Something I've always wondered about...what's it like being a self-employed mom, even if you stay at home with the kids?

And I'm totally the first today :)

AArgh! One minute! Great! I'll be first another time.

I would FLY OUT to LA to see you reenact the Dr. Feel skit!

And that's all I wanted to say. I'm not a mom, so I don't have much of an opinion on the rest of that. Although, I'd love to be a stay at home wife, for no other reason than I'm lazy.

I think you should examine the guilt---or, rather, the seeming absence thereof---brought on by tending to your child's needs at the total expense of your husband's ... the guy who used to get all your attention ... and who didn't have to call you out on his blog in order to get you to make him an apple pie once in a blue moon ... and whose sex life with you doesn't really return to normal until your youngest child is about four years old ... which, thankfully, mine now is ...

Oh, wait, I don't think I'm writing about you anymore.

Good luck on the show.

(DISCLAIMER: I'm kidding, ladies ... mostly.)

Just be sure to let us know when it will air! I have converted several people, some of them not even in UT, to being Heather readers.

As always, you are right on --- anything you choose or/do, you regret it and/or feel guilty. Parenting is so joyous, and ... guilt filled. you'll ROCK!

You have GOT to bring up somehing to embarass your father and then show his photo!
Much love from Memphis,
E

Also, maybe you could breastfeed ON TV. Maybe that would make MY idea (#16) a better sell for good TV.

How about how annoying it is to hear all of these, "stay at home mom's should get 10 different salaries because they work 10 different jobs?" Because what about those of us that work all day because we have to, and then have to perform those 10 other jobs in our "free time"? The reality is we all work hard, we all make choices. Being a stay at home mother doesn't pay a salary because seemingly, if you can do that, do you NEED a second salary? I don't know a single stay at home mom that frets over the fact that she's not contributing financially, where as many (but not all) working mothers i know are doing so out of necessity. For so many families working just isn't about choices. End of story.

Off the top of my head, I just feel that no matter what we decide, Moms are the harshest critics of other Moms...you'd think we'd know what each other was going through and cut some slack, but other moms are the worst critics! (as I'm sure you've learned through this site.)

When I was first going back to work I was flipping through some channels on TV and caught the tail end of this show where a bunch of women sat around at a coffee shop with their kids on some couches and talked about topics we can all relate to as moms. I will NEVER forget this one woman breaking down in tears and leaving the show crying thinking about all of the kids who were being raised in daycare. Said that their parents shouldn't have had them if they didn't have the time or finances to raise them themselves... Though I knew it was ludicrous, there is a part of me as a working mom that always remembers that and feels guilty.

Mom guilt. It can be crippling. I hate getting sitters or going out on the weekend b/c I feel like I have my son in daycare all week so why would I then give up precious weekend time?! But work hardly qualifies as "me-time"...so then I just never get any...

I don't just think you should do the Dr. Feeel thing, I think you HAVE to. It is a tribute to your southern heritage!!! OK, maybe I am a little biased, but I want to hear it instead of just reading it and imagining what it sounds like.

On a more serious note, I made a transition to work at home, and I still take my child to daycare. I am not be-friended by either side of the debate.

I stayed home for 6 months after my son was born and dreaded returning to work. Turned out my PPD got much better after I returned to the world and the routine and being around people. I now know that staying home (sometimes in PJs unitl afternoon) is not healthy for me...and maybe for some of us working is just what we need to get better.

PLEASE come back and tell us how truly freaky Robin looks like in person. Even with airbrushing you can tell how much plastic surgery she's had.

Other than that, I'm totally with #14.

On "Staying Home". I stayed home for 4 years after my daughter was born and in that time my son was born. I went back to work when my son was 2. I NEEDED to go back to work not because I had some wonderful career or super high paying job, but because I was not cut out for Staying at Home with the Kids. Having done both I will say the grass IS always greener when you are all the way over on one side or another and the middle ground is strewn with landmines of speculation and doubt. I just try to be grateful for having experienced all three.

You should totally say I am Dr. Feel in your charming southern accent.

I think mother's guilt gets you regardless. There's always SOMETHING to feel guilty about.

Let us know when it airs of course!

Oh I want to meet Marlo! (And you!) Why can't I be in Los Angelos???

I stayed at home for 7 years and then worked on and off until becoming a teacher and now have summers off. I think my thoughts would be quality vs. quantity. More time with your child is of no worth without actually being with your child. I was not a great SAHM, always looking for something to do but I am happy I did it, my girls are amazing but would they be as amazing if I had returned to full-time work - who knows, who cares. Would I have done it differently...perhaps but life is good so I am sticking with that reality.

So wish I could see you while you are in L.A. (missed you at Book Soup) but helping a child pack to move to Rochester, NY for college is a bit consuming at that moment. Definitely working the quality time these days

I think you should bring up why these discussions are always focused on stay at home mothers...Stay at home fathers are becoming more and more common. I think it's a great way to spread the parenting guilt. I'm so tired of it just being targeted at moms :).

Additionally, I think that regardless of whether a parent stays home, a huge issue is that they keep their employment skill level up (doing volunteering or doing a bit of free lance work) despite caring for kids full time. If something happens to the spouse, then it can be really bad. I've seen it in my family many times.

My 3 cents:
1) Can't we moms all just TRY to drop the guilt? C'mon ladeies -- a little bit, please? I know you can do it. I know that for most (if not all) people a certain amount of mommy guilt is inevitable. But it's a pretty useless emotion - it doesn't really do anything, so why spend your life beating yourself up about your decisions?
2) As a mom who works outside the home, I get tired of women (both those who work outside the home, and those who do not) defending their life decisions with respect to their children and childcare by saying, "well, I didn't have any other choice!" That may be the case. We are not all similarly situated, especially financially. But I REALLY hate the implication. Because I happen to be one of the lucky few out there who actually does have a choice. My family could get by without my salary, but I have chosen to keep working for a number of reasons. And, I really don't feel guilty about it either. (Shocker! I know!) So, it irks me when people who aren't comfortable with their own choice (or lack thereof) make it sound like the only reason one could "defend" working outside the home is if it is an absolute financial necessity. I don't think most people mean to imply that -- they're just not thinking about what they're implying by saying, "well, I didn't have a choice, so that's why it's 'ok' that I work outside the home."
3) Some people get so worked up about this stuff, but it's silly. I don't have trouble connecting with stay at home moms even though I'm not one, because I think there is so much that we have in common just because we're all moms. Yeah, there are differences in our daily lives, but there is much that unites us, if you ask me. And why do people have to get defensive, too? I mean, if someone said, geez, I could never handle being an accountant (or astronaut, or doctor, or teacher, or insert whatever profession), no one would question it. They'd accept the "to each his own" answer and accept the fact that we all have different strengths and weaknesses and personal preferences for how to live our lives. Yet when someone says, "I could never work outside the home" or "I could never be a SAHM" this is somehow usually perceived as a complete and total SLAM on the lifestyle that person is choosing not to pursue. Weird.

Okay, end of longest comment ever. I do recall that I was not asked to be on Dr. Phil/Feel, you were, so I will shut up now!

I think the hardest part of becoming a parent was not the working part (we both have to work-no other option), but the toll caring for a baby had on our relationship.
I was always angry that he was not doing more with/for the baby, but in reality would not let him. In my opinion he did things wrong or really just not the same way I did. It took a while for me to let go of that control and recognize that although we may have different ways of say rinsing the shampoo out of my son's hair, the end result was the same-CLEAN HAIR. I know I am not the only controlling new mom out there, but I sometimes felt like it.

It is not a "choice" for all unfortunately. And the few men who choose to stay at home are also thought of as different and not always in a good way. Or what about a couple who work different shifts so the child doesn't have to go to daycare but the relationship suffers, is this better? I think to agree that each family should be supported in their decision no matter what it is would be wonderful and affirming.

I think part of the guilt arises from the feeling that we're competing with other moms, and our kids are competing with their peers (which is true).

I stay home with my now 3-y.o., and she is SO SMART she could give the State of the Union address, but I'm completely stressed b/c I'm not planning to put her in preschool at all. Just Kindergarten, thanks. I feel guilty for letting her watch too much Noggin, for missing a day reading with her, for not taking her to the park often enough, for feeding her too much pb&j and not enough broccoli, for making her play by herself *gasp!* What DON'T I feel guilty about? Not much.

There is no solution... I think you're either prone to feeling guilty or you aren't.

Can't wait to see the show!

Heather, just bring up how important it is for each of us to make the decision that is best for US and OUR FAMILIES.

And that we shouldn't bitch, degrade, or insult other women for doing the same fucking thing.

whether it's breastfeeding, returning to work, or any other child-related topic, some day I hope we'll all realize that it's nobody's fucking decision except the family making the decisions.

I admire you so much for standing up and taking so much shit from the general public.

Wow! That's awesome! Have fun!!

I'm NOWHERE NEAR the LA area, but if I was, I'd totally be there to meet you and your adorable baby girl. I can blow bubbles too.

And right about now michael.stern@cbsparamount.com email is crashing

Bring up the loneliness. Because no matter how big of an asshole you boss is, there is usually someone right next to your fuzzy cube wall feeling your pain.

How about the guilt you feel that you are a terrible stay-at-home-mom and want to work outside the home because, really, IT WOULD BE EASIER!!

I never knew I was supposed to feel mommy guilt until people like Dr. Phil and other mothers told me about it. Bullshit! Like, is there daddy guilt when they go to work instead of spending every minute with their kids all day? Even if they could afford not to?
If anyone should feel guilty here, it's the corporations that are taking more than their share of time from nearly every working family in the country, both from fathers and mothers. The companies that have made people believe it's normal that they "have to" put in extra hours to ship products, the companies that see profitability rise and rise with "productivity." It really pisses me off that our society is so blind to this point -- almost every family I know has one parent working crazy extra hours and the other parent pulling their hair out trying to take care of the kids alone at home.
Also, how about some meaningful part time work, corporate America? Oh, never mind. You can't hear me anyway. WHY AM I EVEN ASKING THAT STUPID QUESTION?

Remember back in school when our teachers told us to keep our eyes on our own papers? We all need to remember to do that as adults. It's your life. They are your kids. We're all different and life is definitely NOT one size fits all. Make a decision based on what's good for you and your family, not on what everybody else is doing. If you need everybody else to justify your decisions, then you may need to tune into Dr. Phil for a different show...

Ah, the mommy war. I really don't think so many mothers spend their time "arguing" one side or the other. I'm pretty sure the mommy war is mostly waged against one's self. The guilt, one way or the other, that's the biggest enemy here.

GL on Dr. Feel, erm, Phil.

I am four days into being a stay at home mom of three school aged kids. I have been a SAHM for ten years. I hope your dialogue includes what happens to a woman when it ends - when you put your youngest on the bus for first grade and you are suddenly alone. It is worse than my PPD - by leaps and bounds. I thought I would just bask in the glory of being alone for awhile -- or, just get a job and go back to work. Boy, it is hardly that simple.

Heather by the time my second daughter starts Kindergarten I will have logged 13 years (yes 13 years) as a stay at home mom and I would love for you to discuss expectations vs. reality because it has been a definite rollercoaster ride. The need to be the "superior wife, mother, nurse, housekeeper" haunts my every move; along with not feeling self worth because there isn't a pay check received every Friday at 2 p.m.
There are always plus sides; of course there are. I'm not punching a time clock for some corporate crab who monitors your every move; but I am by me; and I feel by teachers other parents and extended family measured by "how your child behaves, socializes, learns, excels at sports etc" because they have both been home with me day in and day out for the first 6 years of their lives....and ultimately, you hold the responsibility of the final outcome, that to me is the reality vs. hopeful expectations.

I think that a nod should be made about the pressure we feel socially, especially those of us living in a community like Utah where SAHM is considered the "right" choice, to NOT go back as though regardless of how we feel there is only one correct way to be a mother.

Our own guilt, if we have it, upon leaving our child in the hands of day care to return to our jobs is bad enough without the social pressure of everyone around us judging what we do even when it is the best choice for all involved.

I am expecting my first in just one month and I cannot count how many times the men around me have said, "You're not coming back to work though right?" NO I'm an un-wed mother-to-be that has found the magical easy button which allows to me to stay home and provide clothing and insurance for myself and my child with NO JOB! And then watching all my high school girlfriends stay at home and shake their heads sadly when I talk about my 8 week maternity leave. It's not even guilt about what I want, it's guilt about living up to the pressure around me. *WHEW* Anyway, I think that social pressure should definitely be part of the discussion.

I don't have kids, though I want them very much and think about this issue a lot, so maybe my $.02 is less...potent...but shouldn't the issue be "please stop being so judgy!"? I get the idea of a parent feeling guilt whatever choice they make and that is, on balance internal, but it seems to be magnified exponentially by the frame of other people's judgment.
Don't all Moms/Dads make the choices that they think are best for their specific selves and their specific children? Just because I might make one choice and you make another does NOT mean that you are right and I am wrong or vice versa. There always seems to be this awful game of "gotcha" going on. Again, I don't have kids but I see it with some of my friends from time to time. They'll cut one down because of some personal choice (oh my god can you believe she uses disposable diapers instead of cloth or plastic bottles instead of glass)to bolster the choice THEY have made.
I don't know. maybe it's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock that's making me all "give peace a chance"!

I am a full-time working mom. Although I feel a certain level of guilt each day when I leave the house, I knew before having kids that I did not have the "skills" (ie: patience and bag full of tricks) necessary to stay at home full time. Lucky for me, my husband is overly qualified for that duty.

Do I wish I had more time to spend with my son, yes. But I think we're both better off if mommy heads to work for a few hours. Plus, we make up for it on the weekends.

I look forward to you seeing your segment.

The only question I would have is to ask all women when we will get over being each others worst enemies and start just helping each other be the best parent we can be? How hard could that be, really?

This debate rarely addresses those moms who HAVE to work. It's always "oh, once you take out daycare and drycleaning, it just made sense for me to stay home."

There are a lot of women who are the breadwinners in their family. The guilt you can get for "selfishly" working outside the home is frustrating, especially since married women usually don't want to reveal they bring in most of the income. (Another weird, old-fashioned issue, for another Dr. Phil . . . .)

I often feel guilty/jealous that I'm unable to be a SAHM, however, I have learned that while I am a good mother - there were definitely some things that I was unable to provide her. I could NEVER get the Play Dates/Mother's Group thing down - Apparently I'M unable to play well with others. By having her in a good preschool/daycare she was exposed to other children and learned so much more than I was able to teach her. I truly believe that it's all about balance. Good Luck on the flight out.

Please, please, please bring up how the false debate between SAHMS and WOHMS diverts attention away from the unequal status of women, inadequate health care, and cultural isolation.

What I would love for you to bring up is the fact that some of us don't even have the option to stay at home or not. Some of us HAVE to have two incomes to make ends meet and it doesn't mean we WANT to go to work, it just means that we NEED more than one income to make sure the baby has formula and diapers and power, etc. While I do understand the Dr. Laura philosophy on this subject (in case you don't know Dr. Laura says that you MUST be a stay at home mom/dad, child comes first, everything else second, end of story, no exceptions!) I just can't help but realize that in today's world most families need two incomes. Oh, is Dr. Laura gonna be there? After you kick the real Dr. Phil in the no-feeeel-good-place, can you bitch slap Dr. Laura! How fun would that be?!?! Oh oh, maybe Jerry Springer will show up????

Of course there is the guilt issue, whether you are not contributing financially or you are away from your kids more than you'd like.

As a mother who chose to go back to work, how about addressing the issue of lack of support from the common employer. Most women only get/take 6-12 weeks off and are expected to get right back into the grind of a 40+ hour week. Plus, you usually have to take PTO or some disability if you want any income during that time. You want me to believe that most babies are sleeping and eating great at that point?! If you want more than 10 weeks to spend adjusting to everything, then you pretty much have to quit your job! I'd like to see a discussion about more support from employers by offering flexible schedules, breast feeding support (pumps, designated rooms, etc) and the like.

As a SAHM who is actually more of a work-at-home-mom, it is infuriating to me when people ask questions like, "What do you DO all day?" And in their (feeble) defense, before I had children I assumed that when I was home with one or more of them I would have all the time in the world to be the greatest domestic goddess on the planet. Now, as I groan at the stack of dishes in the kitchen sink, avert my eyes from the floor that needs mopping *again* this week, and try my best to give everything I can to my daughter, my husband, and both my husband's business and my own, if I am asked that question there is a high likelihood that I will kick the person asking it SQUARE IN THE NUTS.

It is also bothersome, as an educated woman who was moderately successful at her "real" job before becoming a mother, that people assume what I am doing now is time wasted and that I'm just biding my time until I can return to the workplace, where I'm actually contributing to something. Maddening.

Now I'm getting blatherish, but on a more positive note, I see my time with my children as an investment in my future, their future, and honestly, the future of the world. For a fleeting time, I have the opportunity to change the world. What we teach our children while they're young will stay with them forever, and if we can manage to make them compassionate, thoughtful, and honest, then their influence on the world around them will be even larger than the influence I could have on my own. When I think of how that will continue on, generation after generation, my sense of responsibility as a mother becomes overwhelmingly significant.

Two things:
1) Most of the women that I know personally (which I realize is not an excellent representation of the population at large, necessarily, but stick with me) absolutely, unilaterally support each other's work choices (or understand each other's lack of choices), but ALL of the mothers I know are aware of this "debate" because they have read and heard so much about it in forums like Dr. Phil's, which seems to be where most of their guilt and defensiveness comes from. Maybe you could express this in shorter form, like, "SHUT UP DR. PHIL YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE."

2) If you do not at least mention that your primary association around Dr. Phil is from Sesame Street, and attempt to recreate the sketch, I will feel sad.

Otherwise, I think what you've got planned sounds good.

I totally agree with Katie (#16) that--if at all possible--it would be very nice if the show was not about "I made the right choice and you didn't!" but about how it's time to stop this endless guilt-trip women seem to be put on no matter what we choose. For some women the right choice is to stay at home, for others it's to work. And even then, the choice may not feel 100% right all the time.

Also, I think Katie's comment #17 would totally rock, too.

Heather,

I am almost at the end of my beautiful pregnancy and I am about to have a daughter. I get only 6 weeks paid time off from work and since we bought a new house - I cannot afford any more time off. My mother is going to be helping out by staying with us for some time. One topic I would like you to discuss - is why are we setting "standards" for everyone to follow. Every child is unique and has different needs. Shouldn't the mother be the best judge of that? My mom used to work all the time so that she could give us a good education and fufil our wants. I don't resent it a bit that she had to make that choice. Here I am - 28 years later and I have learnt to do things on my own. I see children whose mothers have been at home with them and they have their own problems and are pretty successful too. Why do we need to worry about it so much. If "X" method works for you - great, it may not work for me so let me figure out what I need to do do. I never commented about which school/college or job you should be taking up or whom you marry to make your life successful - so who am I to judge what works for you where child rearing is concerned. The only part society should be playing is providing support to the mothers who want to make a "choice" - not making those choices for her. Here is where I feel we need to channel our energies. Whether it be asking for additional maternity leave to be with the child or providing support groups for new moms with all their needs. Thanks and good luck with the show. Love your blog

In reading some of the above comments, the fact that choosing to stay at home is a luxury that many women don't have is also an incredibly important point. As is the fact that employers in the US make it a difficult choice at best, with limited-to-no maternity coverage and little support for mothers who would like to continue at their job with some leniency while their children are very young.

There was a pretty heavy discussion on Dr. Phil a few years ago and when I watched it I had three questions:

#1 - Why are we still discussing this? Thank you, pioneering feminists, for the choice. I'll stay home for now, thank you very much.

#2 - These women who go on the talk show circuit championing stay-at-home mothers - who is staying home with your children when you go on Dr. Phil, Oprah, Today, etc...

#3 - And to the women who think women who stay home are robbing themselves, their children, society, blah blah blah - do they feel he same way about stay-at-home dads?

Have fun!

AMEN! To #39: Kate, I'd like to be your friend!

I feel great about my decision to work. I am a more patient and present mother for the hours I spend in my office moving paperwork, meeting deadlines and creating productivity I have never been able to duplicate at home.

Certainly, we should be grateful for the ability to CHOOSE how we raise our families and understand that we are gaining NOTHING by the constant judging of other mothers' decisions.

LOVE Dr. Feel. Makes me laugh every time.

Anyway, my biggest issue with being a full-time mom is that my husband (and oh, everyone else) doesn't understand that THIS IS MY JOB. And I don't get coffee breaks. I don't even get a commute, wherein I could be listening to my iPod or reading a book by someone who is less obviously on drugs than Dr. Seuss. I don't even get to PEE by myself (most days). This job, it never ever ends. I get a couple of hours on the weekends to be utterly by myself, but that means I have to leave the house and I don't always like to do that. There is never any downtime.

That said, I am well aware that I am lucky enough to have this option. My temperament is such that I do not play well with others in a work situation, and my first thought upon seeing that positive pregnancy test was "Thank Jeebus, I get to quit my job!" And it's not been easy, but it's the best thing for our family. I see where #84 Deb is coming from, but I have to argue that my family is nowhere NEAR the top 5% of the population and we are about as far from well-to-do as you can get before you start hearing banjos. ;-)

But the sacrifices we have had to make have been worth it. I just wish the vacation plan for this job was a little more flexible.

I feel most guilty that my college degree is not getting any kind of use. At all. And I feel guilty that I always feel like I have to explain to strangers, "Oh, well, I USED to be a teacher! Swear! I have the certificate to prove it!"
Because most strangers that I meet in the middle of the day with my kids naturally assume that since I'm home with them, I simply must be uneducated or some type of religious zealot. But when they realize that I actually had a career before, the first question is always, "When are you going back?"
Answer?
When I'm good and damn ready.
Why do I feel the need to justify myself? That's what I wrestle with most. I stay at home because it's what I WANT to do right now. It makes me happy. That should be enough, but it never really is.
Sara--Stay-At-Home Mom raised(very well, thank you) by a working mom.

Ah, we know that skit well- and Telly with his triangle fetish is popular around here too ;)

Does any one REALLY believe that taking their child to daycare every day where he is one of 10 or more kids that a couple of adults are trying to interact with is REALLY equal to having a parent stay home with them? I think not. But there are a million ways that people justify dropping the kids off, the most popular of which: "We have no choice", I think is true sometimes, but not most of the time. Most of the time, if there are two parents in a household, sacrifices can be made so that one can stay home, at least part time. But people are not willing to give up their fancy car or their gym membership or their cable TV in order to make it happen.

The greater problem though is that in this society at this time, we do not place real VALUE on the idea of a parent staying home and actually doing the RAISING of their children. We have collectively created this (false) notion that the daycare alternative is OK (some would even say good) or at least EQUAL to being a stay-at-home parent because it makes us feel better about leaving our babies to go to work where we can have real grown-up conversations and go out to lunch and eat real food. And those who actually have no choice but to go to work buy into and perpetuate the idea too because they don't want to think about the truth. The truth may mean that these parents walk around feeling guilty all of the time, but it's still the truth and we shouldn't deny it to make ourselves feel better.

I wish more people would just say "Daycare sucks, my kid is not getting nearly as much as he would in every way possible if he was at home with me, but this is the choice we have made." And yes, if you're a crappy parent, then your child is probably better off in daycare, but that is a different conversation. So the "quality of parenting" argument isn't really valid here IMO.

I work, my husband has been home with our 2 sons for 7 years. We looked at the list of stuff that needed be done- support family/be primary parent/grocery shop, etc. and decided who could do each thing best - I had the W-2, he is the Scout leader.

Need more talk about parent-at-home, and not just mom-at-home. the at-home dads are really isolated and boy is it still a conversation-ender at a cocktail party - the eyes guh-laze over when he says what he does.

And then - how to emerge back to work world/adult world? this is really hard. Really. Hard.

Grazie - and break a leg on Dr. Phil (maybe literally?!)

Dear Sarah #2 Commenter, I completely agree! The day I have a baby I will begin my 'at home' life. No questions asked. And yes, I am educated and have a great career. And yes, I will drop it all to be home for my children and husband. How dare I!

so not interested in dr phil, but can i come for marlo blowing bubbles???

Yes, please mention the shocker of realizing that you don't matter anymore. In theory you matter. Ideally you matter. People tell you, you matter. But you don't. Not compared to the needs of this child that you're taking care of. No matter how much we try to prepare ourselves mentally for the arrival of a baby; no matter how much we think we're prepared to sacrifice for him/her; no matter how many books you read or articles you peruse or talk shows you watch; no matter how mature and ready you think you are; you are NOT prepared to put yourself second (or third or fourth or whatever the case may be) ALL OF THE TIME. It's exhausting and scary and sad and depressing.

With the realities of today, lots of families don't have the choice to have a stay at home parent. We *have* to have systems in place to support working families (not just moms.)
If I am one more kids' doctor's appointment away from losing my job, how effective am I at work? Why are there no after school programs for my 11-year old who gets out of school at 2:30 when I get home from work at 6? These kind of things keep me awake at night.
We need a real change in employers, schools, and child care. I hope the next generation figures it out better than we have, because we have a patchwork system at best.

It seems to be such a hot topic. I think any woman able to raise her kids at home, and have a financially stable family, is blessed. Even with the stress that comes with being "on call" all day- watching you child grow up is an unforgettable and touching experience.

One thing I always bring up with regard to the issue -- since it'll be the only viable opinion I can have, since I don't have kids and don't want them -- is that my mom went to work full-time when I was seven. And we LOVED IT. Not only because it made us more responsible (granted, that was back in the day when you could send a three-year-old up to the corner store to pick up your pack of cigarettes and not worry about her being stolen -- true story, my mom did that with my sister), but also because, even at that age, we were PROUD of having a mom who in our eyes, you know, actually DID stuff (from our perspective, anyway). Of course all the stay-at-home moms were busy, and took care of their homes and their kids... but to US, at that time, in our kid minds, our mom was cooler.

Not that we really thought less of the other moms for staying home with the kids... but there was genuine pride that our mom did "more".. that she had stuff going on that was beyond just our lives. She was able to come home and tell us stories about her day. That made her a more interesting person, I guess. We didn't feel like she existed just to be our mom, like the other kids' moms. She was also "herself."

I dunno... I just always think that's something that gets lost in those discussions -- the kids' view of the mom, and what that tells them about the world. And the question of does that affect the kids' priorities when they grow up... because I can tell you that my sisters and I work our butts off to be successful and self-supporting, but it seems like all the friends I have who'd had stay-at-home moms are less driven. Is that a coincidence, or is it a repercussion?

...oh, and another thing...how come public discussions of the trials of working motherhood rarely touch on the challenge of finding and affording quality childcare? In my circle, this is HUGE and yet every book or magazine article I read about working vs staying home seems to assume loads of money and an easy supply of wonderful nannies. Who are all those kids in daycare? Not every double-income family is rolling in money. Duh.

I'm a SAHM and I get harrassed by some working moms - both for "How can you stand your kids all day?! Don't you miss your paycheck?" to "You're so lucky, I wish my husband made the kind of money to support me." But you nailed it on the head when you said it's a hard adjustment being a SAHM. It's not all bon-bons and daytime TV. In fact, it's NEVER either of those things. I worked as a mom and I actually think being a working outside of the home mom is easier. Would I change my decision to stay at home with my kids? Never. Do I think mothers that choose to work (or have to work) are bad mothers? Never! We all have to choose what will work for our families and for ourselves. No answer is the right one, it's just what's right for you.

@Sarahr

Wowee, you are judgemental! It must be delightful for your kids to be around you all day!

Is there Daddy guilt? Can we talk about that?

Yup, totally kick the air and go "AAAHMM DR. FEEEEEEL!"

I especially love #59.

I'm pregnant with our first and struggling with finding a good daycare person right now. And it sucks. But it doesn't help having people at work getting all judge-y about the route we're choosing. We are all doing what feels right and works out OK for everyone involved. Just because I can't afford the extra $40 per day to go to the center affiliated with my workplace is not making me a bad parent. BEFORE THE BABY IS EVEN BORN! Sheesh.

#57, Carrie, Amen sister! You nailed it for my family.

I think you should totally say "AAAHMM DR. FEEEEEEL!"

I also think that the SAHM/WAHM/WOHM discussion is sort of like the proverbial dead horse ... it just keep being beaten. People do what works for them, either financially or psychologically (or whatever-ally). Why do we have to criticize, berate, or feel guilty for the choices we make for our families?

Have a fab time in LA!

When my son was born I knew it probably would be good for bonding and nurturing to home.

However, I value my sanity and knew I would either hate my kid or become a woman I didn't want to be.

You have to bring it up. That discord between vision and reality is what sent me back to the work force.

Each mom is different. Each dad is different. All kids are different. All dynamics are different. Some parents get divorced. Some parents have long-distance relationships. Some parents are of the same gender. Some parents are truck-drivers. Some parents are in graduate school. Some parents are pursuing their under-graduate degrees. Some parents have some professional degrees. Some parents have many professional degrees. There is no one best solution that can possibly fit all families. Each family, whether nuclear or not, ultimately knows what is best for everyone involved. So therefore, my opinion on the SAHM/WOHM/WAHM/SAHD/WOHD/WAHD is this: everyone is unique. Celebrate that.

*CELEBRATE. THAT.*

:)

~me

I watched 5 minutes of the primetime Who Wants to Be a Millionaire this week and the contestant was a dad who stayed home with his kids and Regis said, "oh, you are a stay-at-home mom? ha ha ha..." and I wondered if I was the only one bothered by that and thought that was insulting? STAY-AT-HOME-DAD, Regis!

I've been a stay at home mom for almost 14 years and I have to tell you what...I've never regretted a day of it. I'm my own boss, I do what I want when I want and that is so much better than someone else telling me what to do and how to do it.

Of course...I don't begrudge a woman for going back to work after she has kids at all. Being a stay at home mom is not the most glamorous or easiest of lives. I know it's not for every woman and I would never hold it against anyone who decided work was where they wanted to be.

Having said that...I do want to see you do the Dr. Feel bit. That would be awesome.

Then there's quitting lucrative Wall Street job and staying at home and becoming so caught up in baby the marriage falls apart. And then going to get a doctorate so you can still mostly work from home. Then baby eventually leaves home, still angry at you that daddy went away. But that's ok because you are teaching philosophy by then and you like that better than Wall Street or home, frankly. Then baby is grown up and has gotten over it and everybody's happy --- except of course the daddy who went away... but that is his own stupid fault!

Nice, i would also like to share this with you http://www.techmasher.com

Oh baby, he does love to stir up the nest of fire ants with his pointy stick, does he not? Tool.

Look - all women work and not all work is rewarding - in the home or out. But taking a superior attitude about your personal choice is just nucking futs. My bestie is stuck at home raisin - I'm stuck at work with a barren womb and what do you know? We STILL LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Sheesh. It ain't that hard when you grok what really matters.

She forgets stuff I tell her and I forget stuff she tells me because our lives are completely different. Sometimes she tells me she's jealous and I usually counter with "your job is more important." And it is. But that doesn't mean she can't think my job is more glamorous because it doesn't come covered in bodily fluids.

Do what you love - and don't ever think that gives you the right to pick on your sister's choice. Got it bishes?

We love Sesame Street around these parts. I mean, I could do without Elmo (though the toddler could not) but I think Sesame Street is one of those rare birds that's funny to parents AND children. (I love the Dr. Feel sketch -- also Preschool Musical and the song "Pear" sung to the tune of "Hair" and Kim Cattrall teaching the word "Fabulous")

So, SAHM vs. WAHM

1) It's OK if moms want to work and don't just do it out of financial necessity. IT'S OK FOR MOMS TO BE HAPPY TOO. IMAGINE THAT.

2) It's not always "the best thing" for the kids for the mom to SAH with the kids. My MIL has been watching the toddler for a year and while she is a nutjob and a half she adores my daughter and does things with her that it wouldn't occur to me to do. The kiddo gets parents on evenings and weekends (and during the week when we're worrying about scheduling pediatrician appointments instead of working -- I mean, it's not like I stop being a parent) and other inputs, too. She's starting daycare when she's 2 and I'm thrilled about it -- I think she'll love the playtime and hanging out with other kids. Also, because both my husband and I are with the baby about the same amount, we're really coparents and can tradeoff parenting duties equally. I mean, it may be the "best thing" for your family, but my kid is happy and healthy and bonded to both her parents and knows her alphabet too.

I'm guessing that in the end, if there's anyway possible for us to feel guilty about something, we will! I'm a stay at home mom and after living in this community for three years I have not been able to find any friends in my peer group. I'm a SAHM and feel completely guilty that I don't have any connections that may help my 7 month old daughter have friends herself.

Also, I don't get sick days or vacation either. I'm a MOM. That's how it works. I took a sick day from work this week and all that meant is that I was trying to juggle napping myself and wrangling a toddler.

I was on leave from my job for 13 weeks after my son was born. I went back to work for less than a month, found out that all of my priorities had changed the second I had looked into his beautiful face and quit within a month to stay with him. It hasn't been easy- I miss the money, the health insurance, the getting out and talking to other adults on a regular basis. Then I hooked up with parenting groups for some adult stimulation and there's the guilt that even though I'm home and raising my own kid and not letting some random daycare worker bring them up, I'm not doing EVERYTHING I could be doing. Oh my god, you give your son COW'S MILK? And you nursed him for 18 months (which could be a pro or con depending on who you talk to)? And you did this, that and the other thing that would probably have killed him instantly, my god, how lucky are you that in your infinite stupidity it didn't (sleeping in a family bed vs crib, immunizations, letting him try things on his own and letting him fail and try again). It's all frustrating, especially when your intentions are good and pure and everyone thinks they know how to raise your kid better than you.

So I hope you tell them all to shut it, that ultimately it doesn't matter, and to just enjoy your kids in the miniscule time it takes for them to grow up.

I just want to say that I have not found the perfect balance even though I have both stayed at home and worked part time. I think the perfect balance is an elusive myth and moms just have to let it go and just live. As I heard from a leadership conference for women: THERE IS NO BEST WAY TO LIVE AS A WOMAN. OWN YOUR OWN RHYTHM OF LIFE and FLOURISH!

Hi Heather. I'm a mom who's been on both sides of this question. I worked until my first son was a year old, quit for the next 8 years (and another son) then went back to work full time. I'm now a single parent. There's guilt on both sides - working and wanting desperately to be home with my baby, being home and wanting desperately to do something - anything - with my brain (turning to mush after too much Sesame Street), getting divorced and feeling guilty because my marriage had failed and because I couldn't chaperone every field trip any more and maybe I missed something and because my boys were now latchkey kids... There's always something you can feel guilty about no matter what choice you make.

What I really think you should talk about is the difficulty that women have trying to make things work for them during their child bearing and child rearing years. There are few compromises between full time and stay at home. Full time work ends up just paying for daycare because it's so expensive, and staying at home means that you are sidelined in your career. It was difficult for me to return to work, since the assumption on the part of employers seems to be, well, that your brain turned to mush from too much Sesame Street! What we really need is flexibility to make the right choice for our families at different stages of our lives. Better parental leave policies and easier re-entry into the workforce, flexible work schedules in recoginition of the difficult job that parents do.

My boys are teenagers now, and in spite of (or because of?) all that guilt I think they've turned out pretty well so far. I still wish I had more time for them, not because they still cry in the night but because soon they'll be out on their own and I'll be the one crying in the night. :)

And, I really think you should do the Dr. Feeeel bit (as a fellow southern woman)!

I have worked in all manners of ways (full-time, part-time, from home, etc.) since my oldest was born 10 years and one month ago. I don't know if these comments will help at all, but here goes:

1. I hate it when SAHMs say that they "never get a vacation." As if when I take a vacation day from my paying job, I get to sit at home and eat bon-bons all day. Usually, when I take a vacation day, it's because there's something I have to do with the kids that takes longer than my conscience allows me to be away from work, or I'm actually going on a vacation, which is work for all moms, everywhere.

2. Since my children are older, most of the SAHMs I know left their jobs before the big mommy revolution. When they worked, the office culture wasn't such that you could take an hour or two here and go to the school program or you could work from home while a kid was sick. Either that, or they never finished their college education, so are only qualified for jobs that don't allow that type of flexibility. In my job, I am allowed reasonable flexibility to attend my children't school functions. If a child gets sick and I need to leave work, I have a work-provided laptop I can work on at home. If I could say one thing to SAHMs, it would that we are no longer chained to our desks. Employers understand that we have families and are more productive and happier when we are allowed a few leniencies to enjoy them.

Hi. I am 32 years old and I have an old voicemail saved of my 35 year old cousin (w 2 girls under 9) singing the J song... and my goofy cousin makes me smile all the time. I love it and it is one of my most prized possessions.
Here it is on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4bJgTd72AE

I ask her to do it in-person all the time- i totally get it.
-Courtney

I don't think most moms mean to make other moms feel bad for their decisions, I just think they are trying to feel better about their own decisions. For me, working outside the home is more about sanity than money. It was rough those first three months I was home and returning to work gave me a much needed break. Now I feel like I'm not home enough and struggle to make every minute with my daughter count. Ideally, I would work outside the home 3-4 days a week.

I think it really comes down to how much quality time you spend with your child, which isn't necessarily related to whether you work outside the home or not.

Good luck over there in the whale's vag, and might I add that hearing "dooce" and "Dr. Phil" in the same sentence is enough to make my day?

I'm a freak.

I think the whole "mommy war" continues because the modern woman DOES have choices. We're just never satisfied with the ones we make because we live in a consuming culture that constantly whispers in our ears to keep wanting more.

For those of us who do have this choice - SAHM or return to work when our babies are born(meaning we have means and education in varying amounts)- we should concentrate on keeping an emotionally clean house, being present for our children and honest with ourselves and our partners about the guilt and shame we feel for never getting it quite right. And then when we figure out that riddle, we can move on to demanding more options in childcare for women who must work and negotiating for more flexibility in the workplace for women who would like a place there when their children get to school age.

We put a lot of creative energy into how we decorate our homes and accessorize our outfits, but how much are we putting into how we patch together our lives? I work on my self, to not make assumptions or judgments about the choices of other women. When I see a well put together life I admire it the same way that I appreciate art or music. The brilliance shines through the light of her genuine smile and sings in distinct harmony as she conducts the business of living along her desired path.

I asked my husband if he'd fly me to California so I could meet you and Marlo. He was absolutly appalled at this idea! Not because I wanted to go all the way to California but because "...it's too ridiculous to fly two states over to meet someone you could drive an hour to see!" How inconsiderate!

kristin.

My own piece of Duchesne Utah- http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1u_p0k6ch7E/SoHeWtCICCI/AAAAAAAAC1E/x_H1p2g0lJ...

Oh, I wish I could be there to see you tell Dr. Phil "NOOO, AAAHMM DR. FEEEEEEL". That would totally be worth a plane ride to and from LA!! Plus meeting Marlo would be pretty cool. we could have a bubble contest.

Wonderful forum and great topic Heather! How about the idea that many stay-at-home moms, who come out of a career to raise their kids, struggle to find self-worth in doing the dishes, marketing, cooking, laundry, driving around, etc. And society in general doesn't offer any support or props. When I meet new people and they ask what I do, when I say I'm a stay-at-home-mom, their eyes glaze over and they essentially regard me with pity. Not very encouraging...

I know that I will have to go back to work after having a child, that is just what has to happen for us financially. My big concern is the time frame....I will get six weeks of maternity leave from the company I work for. Six weeks just doesnt seem like enough. Maybe this has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but my oh my, the transition sure seems like it would be easier if the average maternity leave were longer. I can't imagine even being in a routine at six weeks, much less leaving my tiny child for 8-10 hours at the time.

I stayed home full time when my baby was born. I have felt extremely guilty due to the financial consequences for our family. Although it's been better for our son, it has caused much stress in the marriage. My salary was responsible for over 50% of our income. Staying home was something I wanted to do very much, and had planned it that way for at least 8 years before having a child. Unfortunately in our mid-thirties, we still were not financial comfortable on one income. We don't live in a major city, and job opportunities are not as plentiful around here.
Almost 6 years later, I've now decided I could try going back to work full time in a similar role before a child. I'm finding a position very hard to come by, and two recruiters have told me I will need to be a temp before expecting to find a full time job due to my time off. This has been a very frustrating process for me.

Don't have kids (but just acquired three tween/teen steps). My hat is off to you -- I would have gone down the tubes had I had to stay home all day with babies and little kids. Yes, I think it's the best thing for them. Yes, I would have tried, but I really think I would have had a breakdown. I need down time. I need to be fully engaged in a creative and intellectual career. I'm not passing judgment on anyone else -- but I sure wouldn't want other women judging me.

As a person without kids and zero qualifications, how about the thought that maybe that decision stay at home or daycare options is more fluid than set in stone. Maybe it should be re-evaluate from time to time to make sure it is working for the family?

#18- Could you be any more condescending? I hope to hell you aren't in my school district?

#39- Katie- thanks for saying what needed to be said!

p.s. I'm going back to work next week after 12 weeks maternity leave, so this is a very personal issue.

I get so frustrated with this whole debate. My mother was a SAHM (and believe me, I hear about it). I am not. I don't have the option. PERIOD. It's not about being willing to make the sacrifice of living on a smaller income for my family. I make literally half of my family's income. If I didn't work we would LOSE OUR HOUSE. I would love to have the option to even consider this debate but I don't. And that is something I have to struggle with. I will say, however, that my kids both go to daycare. My daughter is 2 and couldn't be more polite, well adjusted and social. And her mama is still the center of her world even though she works 40 hours a week. I guess my point is that we shouldn't be judging each other on whether or not we stay home full time with our kids. No matter what we are still all mothers with a common goal- to do the best possible thing for our families.

One time a Mary Kay consultant tried to make me feel dumb for working. Outside the home. And not selling Make Up. Because what better way to use my brain than share with people to glories of applying eyeshadow? And I wanted to work? Outside the home? I know, I'm crazy.(I am sure there are some people that do great and Mary Kay and staying at home is their thing> just not mine!)

I have an 11 month old boy at home, and I work 40 hours a week and unfortunately I am take every thing super personally, even if it isn't meant to be. For example, my husband will ask what time I get off work to pick up the kid, and I feel guilty that maybe I should be getting off earlier? I feel like I can't please everyone at home and I can't please everyone at work!

It is what it is.

I am now finally decloaking because I can't stand that bastard Dr. Phil. Seriously. He is a pompous, arrogant idiot. I can't be the only one who's horrified that the fabulous Dooce would even grace his show with her presence.

weeping......

I think the thing I've struggled with most is I feel as if I've lost a bit of my own identity by being a Stay-At-Home-Mom. The last 5 years of my life have been ALL ABOUT MY KIDS and somewhere along the way *I* lost myself.

I think there needs to be some sort of balance and I don't know how to find that balance. I don't know how to live for my kids and for myself and I wouldn't be surprised if that's a common denominator between a lot of SAHM's.

It's all pretty much been said. Mom's always feel guilty over one thing or another...it's just about accepting yourself as a mother and supporting each other for our own personal decisions.

I really just wanted to say your baby is SO FREAKIN' CUTE.

I have been reading this daddy blog and he talks about his daughter in daycare (only he calls it a "school" even though his daughter has been there since she was six weeks old). And he talks about how he and his wife NEED to earn two incomes. In nearly every post he is talking about his new gadgets (Blackberry, iTouch, plasma, Blu-ray, Sirus. etc/); I'm betting that he is able to afford all that junk because they both work. Anyway, when his daughter took her first steps at 'school,' all I could think was, "See! Neither of you were there because you were busy earning enough money for your STUFF!"

As a mother that doesn't NEED to work, I always like to think that I would be taking a job away from someone that does truly need that income. But just maybe our employment statistics are all messed up because folks want to acquire things more than they want to be with the people they brought into the world.

I continued to be a stay-at-home when my kids went to school and found it was fulfilling to fund raise for the schools and other non-profits. For me, it was gratifying to demonstrate to my kids that those of us that are fortunate need to give back.

Off the soapbox and back to the laundry....

I am a stay-at-home mom right now. Well I should add that I'm also a full-time student. I was doing all online classes, but this fall my youngest will be starting school, and I'm going to be able to actually go out into the big people world and go to school. I have three kids; 9, 7, and 4. I've worked on and off during their lives but it always came down to day care. We couldn't afford it. I was making good money as a paramedic and my husband had a very good job in management, but we couldn't afford to do day care, or summer camp, in the summer time. It would eat up my entire check.

I think that a lot of moms stay home for that reason. Quality child care, that I'm not worried about my kid going to, is expensive. A lot of families can't afford it. It's better financially to have a parent stay at home, for those families.

Also, people don't gripe and argue about stay-at-home dads. Although it's not very common, they are out there, and they don't get a bad rap. They're not considered lazy or uneducated.

For moms, the delimma of to work or not to work is endless and no one can give the right answer. There are quite a few studies on this topic, but no one can give a definitive answer, and until that day comes no one should judge anyone else because no one understands that person's circumstances like that person.

God I loved that skit, I may have to force the baby to start watching Sesame Street now that the big kid is four going on fourteen with her icarly watching. If you could turn to Dr. Phil and tell him 'I can feel your feeling upset' at an appropriate point that might be enough to make me watch him! As for the motherhood thing, I think if you're sure you're doing it wrong then you're probably getting it mostly right. Anyone convinced that they are scoring perfect marks in mothering is lying or deluded.

I second all those saying you should try to frame the debate around stay-at-home-parents rather than stay-at-home moms. I work full time and my husband stays home. This was always the way it was going to be, I make a lot, he makes a little, childcare is crazy expensive where I live - so the decision was easy. I have a certain amount of mom guilt for enjoying being back at work and he has all the stress associated with staying at home plus the added factor of sometimes feeling like he is not doing his manly duties because he is not making the money. No matter what the situation is, unless you are independently wealthy and can spend your days on a yacht, people will feel guilt, inadequacies, stress, etc., etc.

I also TOTALLY agree with those that say moms need to cut each other some slack. Everyone does what they need to do to make their lives work for them. Sometimes its a "choice" (i.e. they need adult interaction so they work), and sometimes there are financial necessities at play. But whatever people are doing it is because it is what works for them and really ... who are we to judge?

I'm late on the comment train, so this may have already been addressed, but ...

I would love to be the kind of mom who could stay at home, but I'm not. In order to be the happy, sane, loving, patient mommy that my kids deserve, I have GOT to spend time away from them. I need to be out in the world, interacting with people who can read and are already potty-trained. And WOW have I caught some snooty scorn from stay-at-home moms who think I'm somehow lesser and broken inside.

I admire stay-at-home-moms because they do something I could never do. If I stayed home with my kids, my husband would come home to find them safely confined to their rooms and me in the backyard, burning all my old nursing bras and cackling. This does not mean I love my kids less or that I'm somehow a bad mother, which is implied ALOT by other moms I've encountered. I don't feel guilty about going back to work, because I know it's actually saving my relationship with my kids. But I could do without the snark from the stay-at-homes.

YES...OH DEAR GAWD YES...

this is a soapbox of mine...probably lots of moms.

motherhood is fucking hard. really hard. no one knows the right way to do it, or the best way to do it...we just do it...the rightest and the bestest way we know how.

not even DOCTOR FEEEEEEEL knows how to do it.

i'm tired of all these delusional moms saying, "motherhood is wonderful." "it's the greatest thing in the world." "just get past the first six weeks, after that it's easy."...

and my fave..."motherhood is so rewarding."

you wanna know what else is rewarding??? surviving a fucking plane crash!!!!

moms need to quit telling other moms that motherhood is this magical and glorious thing. cuz you know what? most of the time, it isn't. most of the time it sucks a big one, but it DOESN'T suck just enough to keep us in the game.

we just need to quit lying to each other, so that we don't feel like shit when motherhood isn't "rewarding", and "magical."

*steps down off soapbox*

i feel better...do you?

I don't live in the LA area, but I'm totally considering moving there by August 18 just so I can meet you & Marlo. (Too extreme? Fine, maybe I should just take a little vacay.)

I have no input as to the working/staying home debate, as I'm not yet a mom and I'm not so sure anyone like me has a right to comment on something like that without first being in the situation. I would, however, like to hear "AAAHMM DR. FEEEEEEL!" at least once.

You might address the fact that women seem to feel guilty whether they stay at home or work. Is that a female thing? I mean, I don't see my husband feeling guilty about working. He wishes he had more time with the kids, but he doesn't feel guilty, per se.

Also, I have experience both as a stay at home mom and a working mother. I now work part time because being a stay at home mom drove me insane. Almost literally. So ther is a special sort of guilt that comes with working when it is not a financial necessity. Talking about the guilt I feel seems taboo for fear of offending other women who work because their families need the money. It's like a double quandary.

can't read through all the comments to see if this has already been said ... hello? children napping and laundry to do.
but ...
i think it's important to note that there is never going to be a right or wrong. for any mother at any time. it is a constant pull.
i have to work. to be able to afford the things that we want to afford. but ... i've compromised by working in the school district (luckily it is an option for me in my career choice). therefore, i get summers home with my girls. and i get the breaks that they have. and i get the hours that they will have once in school.
to quote hannah montana, "it's the best of both worlds" ... not that she was discussing parenting vs. career when she sings that song.
but. it gives me more options.
i did catch one previous comment. that she can absolutely tell which children had a parent that stayed home with them for the first 5 years. bullshit. come and meet my girls.
i welcome you.
THAT right there is exactly why we need to stop badgering one another about who is doing better. because ... honestly. let's fucking start supporting one another rather than bashing the person that does it differently than you chose to.
apparently that comment makes me a little annoyed. you can't really tell, can you?

After my maternity leave ran out, I worked for the first year and a half of my daughter's life. IT WAS SO HARD! I was exhausted, pumping breastmilk between meetings, lines of people out my door and a BlackBerry that never stopped. Ever. I had the worst case ever of "stereophonic guilt" - I felt bad if I stayed at work late because my daughter needed me, and I felt bad if I left on time because I still had work to do. Not to mention what to do if she was sick...

Then I decided to stay home. I love being home with her, but I miss the "kudos" I received from work. Evie doesn't tell me I was super-smart to think of painting rocks or making macaroni necklaces, and my husband doesn't come home and say "Wow! The floors are so clean! And you dusted, too? You deserve a raise!" There's still a brain in my head that can do something more than fingerpaint - even though fingerpainting is great!

I wish more workplaces were flexible enough to accommodate job sharing or other part-time arrangements. Although I'm expecting another child again, I'm still a dreamer hoping for the best of both worlds.

Oh, and the judging thing between moms has to stop. I can't hold things together myself so I'm sure not about to tell someone else how to!

Not sure about the guilt per se, but one common thread I've noticed among all my mom friends is that we'd all like the opportunity to use our brain and make a little money but maybe not 50 hour a week, you know? Everybody from my sister-in-law who employs a nanny 60 hours per week to the most devoted stay-at-homers in my playgroup wish there were more part-time job opportunities available. Even a friend of mine who works part-time feels stuck in a job that isn't great b/c there are no other part-time jobs for her to apply to. The flip side of that coin is that it's also very hard to find part-time childcare, from daycare to nannies (who need to make a livable wage) to preschools.

Maybe not exactly what you had in mind but definitely something I've noticed (as a humble freelancer who needs to earn enough dough for her kid to go to preschool).

Kate

Hmmm...

I work part-time from home, and my oldest just started kindergarten. I have rewritten this comment five times now because there's so much that can be said.

The simple truth, though, is this: We wouldn't feel guilty if we didn't love our kids and really want to do what is best for them. It's easy to compare ourselves to others--that parent is so much more patient than I am; that parent's house is so much cleaner than mine; those kids seem so well behaved; it would be great to be able to take the kids on neat trips like that family does with their kids. The possibilities for comparison are endless. But if we didn't care about our kids and what is best for them, this discussion and the comparisons wouldn't even happen.

The problem, of course, is that there is no one-size-fits-all glass slipper, and sometimes we forget that. We have to do what is best for our own families and respect the choices of other families because they are doing the same.

Oh, Heather. Had to return to work with both of mine, the first biological, the second, adopted. I can tell you, nothing, before or since, has ever been so hard for me. My first child attended the Santa Show on our local TV channel, and was taken by the babysitter. It was before the advent of DVDs and DVRs. Well, for weeks after, I could not think about this incident without bursting out in tears.

It was not easier for me the second time around. When my youngest started school, it did become much better, though, and looking back, I am glad I had a career, and was able to help my husband contribute to our household earnings.

Personally, I think Dr. Phil is a total tool and I don't watch him or Oprah (and would someone puhleaze take Jon & Kate off TLC and make them go away, stop polluting all forms of media?)...

But is the beet song still on Sesame Street - Beet, beet, sugar beet, beet, sugar beet, sugar beet, beee-eeeet.

Guess it might be interesting for you to see old frozen face Robin in the audience.

I agree with #207!! I also roll my eyes when women start pretending that motherhood is the most amazing and powerful experience you'll ever have. I'm sure it's rewarding for some but it's not what others make it out to be and pretend that it is. I get pissed off at my child and yell and curse. So what?! Sometimes I wish I had waited to have a child or never had any at all. Regardless, I still love him. All women need a break from their kids, working or not.

I apologize if this has already been addressed, but what about the in-between a lot of parents are able to find these days? The working from home part-time, the negotiating with employers to be able to be home some of the time etc? I watched an interview recently (think it was actually Colbert Report) where the woman interviewee was saying the new-mom generation is re-negotiating what it means to work.

FWIW, I'm a new stay-at-home mom, but would love the option to work part-time from home at some point. There are absolutely 3 different categories of parenting.

I tend to think work should be re-defined because as it stands, it is largely a patriarchal set-up.

The one thing that I was not prepared for as a stay-at-home mom was how long the hours of each day are. They seemed to grow in length each day. It was really hard to adjust to no longer having a say in your own life. I stayed home for 3 years and it was great--but stay-at-home parenting isn't all roses. It's a lot of discipline, butt wiping, food prepping, cleaning, etc.

I joined a mom's group and is was my savior, other wise I would have gone completely insane. The biggest liberation for me was having a group of women who understood that I loved my kids but that I didn't always like being with them 24/7. When you are a stay-at-home parent (either mom or dad) there is no time off--your job is with you all day long everyday. There is are no sick days if you are a stay-at-home parent.

I think it is important for women to be able to admit that not staying home is okay. It's also important for us to admit that just staying home doesn't make one a more involved or better parent.

What date it the Dr. Phil show going to air?

216 is right on the money. I'm a stay at home father, have been for six years and the biggest adjustment I've had is feeling like I'm not contributing financially. My wife has a great career that pays her well and provides us enough to live on, but it doesn't mean that the parent at home doesn't deal with feeling guilty in not contributing in a hard financial way. Yes, I know that what I'm doing at home has value, but there is no paycheck and a paycheck goes a long way towards providing tangible proof that you are an equal partner in a family. I know that I AM an equal partner, but those are some of the head games that we play, I think.

First, I think Sesame Street is a beautiful thing, and I wouldn't think of depriving my kid of that gem of pop culture. Just read all the comments about Sesame Street. It's special to almost everyone who saw it as a child.

On the Mom topic, I have one child who is almost 11 months. I've made it through most of her first year now, and quickly learned that Motherhood is a guilt-ridden gift. I feel guilty no matter what I do (not just about working versus staying home), so I try to just shake it off because I know I'm in for years of this guilt, and I think it's better for our kids and ourselves if we can just be happy and confident, instead of always being sorry, guilty and stressed.

That said, I don't have the option of staying at home with my daughter or my future kids. My husband's job is the type that can end at any point, so mine is the provider of stability and health care and retirement savings for our family. So maybe I've tricked myself into being okay with that because it is what it is, but honestly, I'm not sure I would stay home if I could.

I take her to a place where she's surrounded by other smart, active, energetic kids her age, and she's held and rocked and hugged and loved all day by her "teachers". I love that it takes a village to raise a child and I'm okay with that. I'm lucky to have a good village I guess. I love that she's learning more than what she might just being at home with me everyday in a quiet house with no other babies in it yet.

I think it's great when Moms stay home, but I think it can be great when they don't too.

I'VE BEEN DYING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION ON T.V!!!!! IT ALWAYS BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME!!! I am so glad you're doing it. I think that it is very important to bring up the fact that alot of mothers would love to stay at home, but it just isn't possible because of today's economy. While most of us do agree that children do need their moms at home, it isn't possible. I've seen kinda the same question on a different daytime show and it was "who has it the hardest?". I work (I've worked 2 jobs for a while) and I believe that stay at home moms have it the hardest in most ways, but emotionally it is hard to be away from your babies. I am so glad it's gonna be you and I'll be watching.

I think that a point that should be made is that the women's movement opened up the choice to work or stay home and not be restricted by antiquated notions of gender roles. All women should respect each other's choice, even if it differs from her own.

the guilty side and i have done both so there is a guilty side to it all. NO ONE ever told me that staying at home with the kids was SO MUCH WORK coupled with the JOY that was involved. I was all like "JUNE CLEAVER...how did she do it" there were no rules and you had to go with intuition. WHERE IS THE INTUITION MANUAL. Anyway my daughter survived, she is 18 and off to college. Could I have done things differently...hell yeah...good and bad but she is happy and it could be an accident, luck, genes, aligning of the stars...just thankful that I have found my way.

ZOMG Heather! When is the episode (So I can TiVo it and force my hubby-to-be to sit through it, much like how I read your blogs to him... even IF he's a loyal subscriber to Jon's blog)?!

Sorry it took me like 2 years to leave a comment.. I hope you can drop by my blog and see if you like my stuff as well...

Wow, this is such a loaded argument because everyone thinks what they are doing is the "right thing". I believe, as with anything in life, you have to make the decision that is right for you and your family. There's just no other way to live. As for the guilt, and it's there in spades, people have to get over it and hold their heads up about the choices they've made. If it works for you then don't let anyone make you feel guilty. I'm lucky enough to have been on all sides of this argument.
I have a daughter who's 2 now and I've been home with her since she was born. I was so proud and a little self righteous about being able to SAH with her until about 1 month in when I realized that it kinda sucked. I was tired, bored, fat, depressed and felt like I wasn't really living up to what a "good" SAHM was supposed to be. I struggled with it for about 6 months, but along the way I started building myself back up, meeting people, getting out, planning things and by 9 months I finally found my SAHM groove. I was happy, baby was happy. As she got a little older though I felt like she needed to be around other kids and the whole routine of coloring, movie, playdoh, reading was getting old for the both of us. I was offered an opportunity to work 2 days a week and I took it. I need a little more mental stimulation then hanging with a toddler provided on a daily basis and she needed a new bag of tricks to pick from. I never felt guilty though, it's what was best for the both of us. Now she's in daycare, which she LOVES, 2 days a week while I'm at work, which I LOVE. The other 3 days we are together but even then she's at the gym daycare for an hour a day while I work out. And I don't feel guilty about that either. When I take time for myself it makes me a better mom, I'm also setting a good example. I don't want her to think she has to sacrifice herself for her family some day. There's a way to be happy with any choice you make, you just have to find it. As for the guilt, make the choice to not accept it. If everything's working, then you're doing a great job. Why is that so hard for people to grasp?

I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you're about to leave Leta home alone. Oh, wait, Chuck will be there.

But, OMG, so will Coco!

I regularly work a stressful, full-time job from home and provide 66% of our income. (No kids) Yet, I still feel guilty and my husband comments on the house not being clean and the laundry not being done..

Hats off to the moms out there juggling everything, I dont know how you keep up with it all.

I wish all the time that I was not expected to work full-time.. I hope to someday be a stay at home mom, with no work responsibilities, and be able to provide that support for my future children..

Go political and bring up paid maternity leave for a year or something so all women breastfeed if they want and not need to supplement because they don't pump enough. Seriously. I refuse to have another kid until I can stay home with them for at least a year. Even my current nursing champ who is over two years old was supplemented because I can't manage to stay home or pump enough.

It's ok, I'm done now.

I could have written "It Sucked and Then I Cried" about becoming a Stay At Home Mom. My second child was born very sick, and so I went from planning to work part time in an office and part time at home to NOT WORKING AT ALL and being at home all the time with no goals in sight. That was the hardest part of that transition -- going from structure to no structure, going from days looking different from each other to ONE LONG DAY THAT LASTED FOREVER.

It's a serious shock, and no one talks about it. Almost 4 years later, I think I have my groove back, but I am deeply scarred. And, if you can believe it, I do not want to go back to work full time, not at all, but if I had an infant, I definitely would. Figure that one out.

I think mothers need to get their husbands involved more! Whether you are SAHM or working mom...DADS need to help out more!! I'm not saying they should be SAHD but they just need to be around more, help out more..not only to help moms out, but for the benefit of the child as well. It works both ways...for SAHM you get frustrated being at home all day, why can't Dads take a load off you? If you work (which I do, but don't have kids, so maybe my opinion doesn't even count...) you are so tired from working, but why can't Dads help out when you get home from work too? I don't think kids need to be with their mommies all the damn time! You need to get your husband off his butt and play with the kids too! I think this would make all of our lives much easier! I also think it is quality vs. quantity...why stay at home to only have your kids in front of TV all day? The NANNY can do that!! + I think children get so attached to their mothers when they stay home with them. I certainly hope my future children don't want to be around me all the freakin time...go bother your Dad a little bit! I used to nanny for someone that had 3 kids, worked a little part time, but stopped when she had her 3rd child. Their family certainly did not need a 2nd income but she NEVER spent time with her kids! She had someone to clean 6 days a wk that took care of baby, dinners for kids, etc. She had me to pick up the kids from school, homeowrk, tuck them in at night, read stories...all while she sat up in her room reading, shopping, out w/ girlfriends, out to dinner w/ her husband!! I thought this was insane, I understand moms need alone time, date night, etc. but those poor kids never could share anything with their mom... so sad. So, whatever your situation is, hopefully its not like that and if you are feeling guilty, you are probably actually trying to spend quality time with your kids. Thanks for listening! Don't get stressed out about all this hooplah...just spend the quality time with your kids and get Dads involved.

Be careful of Phil's editing team and his way of controlling situations to fit his agenda.

I no longer watch his show.

In 1987, at age 31, I left my career to become a full-time-at-home-mom to my two sons, two years old and a newborn. I've since had three more children. I've never regretted my decision and I've been way too busy to get caught up in the hoop-la. I will say that those first months at home were a shock to my system and I had no idea how hard full-time mothering was. I couldn't just assign something to my secretary or close my office door for some peace and quiet. My scheduled day? ha! It wasn't until I started applying all the organizational aspects I had learned at the office to my home that I was able to make it work well.

I think that we, as women, have enough battles in life without having to battle one another over who is right and who is less right. We all know how hard it can be and we ought to be supporting and encouraging one another more than we do.

Argghhh....the mind-crushing depression I fought for years while being a stay-at-home-mom! And yes, I still feel it was the right decision.

And another thing! What about the SAHM who ends up divorced after being out of the work force for years? The feminization of poverty and former stay at home moms go hand in hand......and yet I'd stay home all over again!

On a lighter note! Kermit and Ladysmith Black Mambazo? Rocks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcpTCKOzJjA

sarahr (#103): Your opinion is that daycare isn't as good as staying at home, but really all the empirical evidence we have demonstrates that kids who went to daycare have better math and reading skills than kids who did not, and kids who went to daycare had more behavioral problems than those who did not. However, the behavioral problems were still within normal ranges. Here are some excerpts from the study's findings:

"An evaluation of the children in fifth grade showed that the children who had higher quality child care continued to show better vocabulary scores, a correlation that was seen previously from kindergarten to third grade.

Children who had been in center care in early childhood were more likely to score higher on teacher reports of aggression and disobedience. This was true regardless of the quality of the center-based care they received.

The researchers emphasized that the children's behavior was within the normal range and were not considered clinically disordered.

It would not be possible to go into a classroom and with no additional information, pick out which children had been in center care, Dr. Belsky explained."

Get yourself some facts. Read the articles I posted in #42.

I am a first-time mom of a 4 month old and just returned to work last week. I used to find the "mommy wars" so mystifying and distressing....why can't we just be supportive of each other? I still find the sniping very distressing but maybe not so mystifying. Being a mom is a hard row to hoe ..I think most women (me very much included) feel inadequate no matter what we choose (inadequate as a professional, inadequate as a mom, or both.) It seems like a lot of women deal with that sense of inadequacy by elevating their own choice to the The Only Right One. I am trying not to deal with my own inadequacies this way, but it is hard. Last night, I found myself spouting off to my husband about how educated/professional women who stop working risk becoming someone unrecognizable to themselves and/or their spouse. I caught myself and rephrased that I was only talking about myself. But wow, it's was so easy to indulge in self-righteousness as a mask for my own wobbly ego as a mom.

I think you should bring up the fact that even though many mothers go back to work and feel guilty about it, WE still have to take care of all the shit that goes on at home.
I guess it all goes back to that equal pay stuff and how equal pay between men and women not only exists, but there are so many different angles to it now.
As a woman you might work outside of the home, but you still have to work when you get home. And you don't get compensated for the work you do in your home, because it just has to get done. Despite how many of us say that our husbands help SO much (and they do, trust me) most women keep up the household AND have careers, not to mention carrying the child for those 9 godawful months and then when or if you decide to go back to work and have a career for yourself (or because you are forced to have a job to make a living)there is the guilt and sadness. And no one repays you or takes care of you for that in anyway. Will the the expectations for women today just keep growing? And how do we deal with that?

I meant to say, equal pay between men and women *doesn't* exist.

If it were me, I would talk about the fact that if you choose to breastfeed going back to work is a royal pain in the butt, even in the most accommodating of workplaces.

I would also talk about the fact that this is always wrongfully referred to as a women's issue, when men are also deciding whether or not to go back to work and it involves the whole family.

And finally, I would find a reason that I needed to breastfeed my 2 month old while on National Television. Not in an "in your face" kind of way like I'm sure some people are picturing, but just in a "this is what my life is like right now" kind of discreet way. And I'd give Dr Phil a look that said, "don't even go there" if it looked like he was going to put the kibosh on that. But that's me. I think if people see a breastfeeding mother of a 2 month old on camera, baby free, for an hour plus they are going to wonder what's so hard about taking a shower? Or getting your hair cut? Or doing housework? etc.

Oh the guilt! *wrist to forehead*
I do think it is unavoidable as much as it is unfounded.

If I were #26, or had your amazing bully pulpit, I'd talk about any of the following:
1-As a freelancer and a mom, I not only work from home, I am also at times, a SAHM. This makes me (and you I'm sure) insane. Because we're trying to do it all, and really, even if we're impressing others and doing an incredible job, we're probably feeling as though we're doing nothing well and everything, especially the parenting, half-assed. I hate feeling like I'm half-assed, especially since after two kids and zero metabolism, I've got too much ass even when I am half-assed. But I digress. In summation: feeling somewhere between mediocre and failure all the time and continuing to run a business and a family anyway is not fun.

2-Gives me THE CRAZY to hear about how wonderful tiny babies are. Example: when I went to the store with my infant, the nice lady suggested I take her surveys from home for $ while the baby is sleeping. I had to tell her that MY baby never sleeps, so no thanks. Because it was true. Also, tiny babies are aliens. Cute, but aliens. Many of them are not truly that much fun to be around with the screaming and the not sleeping and the colic that really is reflux or maybe allergies, etc. So yeah, being a parent is hard and if you stay home with your kids, you might get lucky and have a really chill kid, but you might also have a really hard kid. You will never know until you try.

3-Some babies don't like being babies. They grow into really awesome kids once they're mobile, but those first few months. HELL. For all involved.

4-Not everyone drops 20lbs+ if they're exclusively nursing their kids (who don't sleep thus making their tired mom walk around the house all to keep them quiet). Please end this myth of nursing always equally losing weight. Some of us just have bodies that don't work that way. Alas.

There's more but I'm sure you think I've really lost my mind right now and have stopped listening.

Thanks, as always. Your real voice has always been a beacon of light in this crazy journey.

A couple years ago on Dr. Phil they had an episode about mothers who yell at their kids. Perfect Robin said to one of the mothers, "In all my years raising kids, I never once yelled at them." I am a SAH mom and each time I yell at my kid I think of this comment. Tell her if you get the chance that she is a damn liar. People like her who make comments like this, add to the useless guilt that we as mothers (working and SAH) carry on our shoulders each day.

I can't wait! Good luck!

1). Men don’t have work-family life balance either, it's just not as socially acceptable for them to agonize about it as openly as women. Parents sacrifice.

2). Our children determine if we’re a good enough mother.
Not our friends, neighbors or popular culture. I have a 23 yr old, she is the one who tells me. I don’t worry anymore about it.

I know women with very successful careers that are very good mothers, and ones that are not, and the same is true for women who stay-at-home to raise their kids.

Some stay-at-home moms spend much of the day in from of the computer and the kid watching TV. That is not my idea of a “good mother”, she is only "good enough".

Stay-at-home mom is still considered the better mother then one who has a career and pays people to help them with raising their kids, even if a kid with a nanny or daycare has the more enriched, stimulating life then a kid sitting in front of a TV all day.

I live in NYC and have worked at an intense overly demanding career in advertising, employing a full-time nanny/housekeeper for a couple of years, I quit, became the sanctimonious stay-at-home mom, then I was a stay-at-home mom growing a business.

I like best the stay-at-home raising a family, and growing a business. This was and is my ideal solution.

Each family has to do what works for them, most mom have no choice and must work out of the house.

Nobody ever talks about the fact that when you stay home, with the children that you adore, it doesn't change the fact that there are days where you are screaming on the inside at the sheer BOREDOM of toddler speak. It is adorable for a few hours each day, but then your brain starts to leak out of your ears.

Sesame Street taught me how to read! Great show for the kiddos. If you haven't seen The World According to Sesame Street, you totally should. Awesome documentary about how the show is put together, and I had no idea that much thought went into it. It really is great.

I have been known to plop my 15 month old in front of Yo Gabba Gabba or Dora so I can get some work done, I am also a WAHM. The way I see it, as long as the show is educational and not violent, what can the harm be?

I think that you are spot-on when you point out that there is loads of guilt that we all bring to the table. And I share your sense that the idea of being a stay-at-home mom wasn't nearly the reality of being that mom....and I have the therapy bills to prove it.

But if I had a national platform to discuss this, I'd say that we give A LOT of national lip service to being family-friendly but that's about it. My top three concerns:
1. Actual family-friendly workplaces (see the moms above who discuss the ability to breast feed while working.
2. The national need for reasonably-priced, good quality childcare and preschool.
3. Paid maternity leave.

We fail as a nation (and fail spectacularly) at these things.

My viewpoint: a mama to one nine-year-old boy. I had a partner and was a college professor when my son was born. The partner has since decamped and now I am a single mom, teaching at an independent school that my son attends, a job specifically selected because it is truly family-friendly. I feel blessed that I could make this choice.

Angles I'd love to hit up on personally that you have the choice to ignore:

Boredom whilst being at home with the kids is a choice. I say this living 120 miles from a mall. It's a choice! Being able to entertain yourself in any setting is a virtue.

Related note...if all you are doing is entertaining the kiddies you are doing the kids and yourself a disservice. Kids can learn to entertain themselves without a screen in front of them just like you can. That means you have little spurts of time to get all kinds of things done, including me time and hobbies. I don't say this lightly. My oldest kid, even at 15, has a severe case of the watch me's.

Get rid of most of the stinkin' kid accroument. If all you do is pick up your kid's shit then your kid probably has too much shit. No wonder you're cranky and you have no me time. Simplify. YOUR KID DOES NOT NEED FOUR DOZEN SIPPY CUPS!

Guilt...I suffer very little Mom guilt. I just don't get it.

OMG, I love Sesame Street and hope my daughter watches it for all eternity. Neil Patrick Harris as the shoe fairy? THE BEST THING EVER. I throw Sesame Street jokes into conversation with my husband and he just doesn't get it. So sad. I feel for his soul.

Guilt...Personally, I think mothering guilt is all tied to money - you feel guilty going back to a job because you have to work to help pay the bills. You don't work and feel guilty for not contributing to the household. In my case, you work from home and feel guilty that your daughter pleads for you to read to her and not go check your email again, but you explain that you're waiting for someone to send you their edits and you need to check one more time because you have to make comments by COB and then you park her in front of Sesame Street so you can make said comments and feel guilty for using something so pleasurable as a babysitter.

I think if you have all the money in the world and can go work a job you love regardless of the salary while your child is cared for in your home by Mary Poppins, or you can stay home and care for said child, doing all the fun things of parenting while a cook and housekeeper takes care of the rest. Then, I can't sympathize with you for your guilt because I just don't get it.

Hi from Memphis!

I hope I am not repeating what someone else has already said, but I have a small window of opportunity to post before my little one wakes and have not read all of the other comments.

My husband and I just made the choice for me to stay at home for a year to avoid having to put our 6 month old in daycare. I am *trying* to still do some writing at home, but working from home is almost impossible when I am alone with someone who hates her crib and has almost figured out how to escape from her baby rocker. My guilt comes from seeing my husband bust his ass working his regular job, then doing as much side work as he can to make up for my lost income. Then when he gets home, rather than getting to wind down, he takes over with the baby so I can shower or make dinner.

Heather, thanks for rocking and sharing your story. Your humor and frankness concerning post partum depression helped me through mine. Dr. Phil is a douche.

I'm sure I'm quoting a bumpersticker (sorry) but really, doesn't feminism mean that I can CHOOSE to stay home if I want to?

It wasn't supposed to mean that I HAD to work if I could, it was supposed to mean that I COULD work if I wanted to!

I grew up with a mom at home and loved it. Do I want to do that? No. Do I think it's a good idea for there to be a stay at home parent? Yes. Am I going to berate you because you aren't a stay at home mom? Hell NO. Being a stay at home mom is an individual decision/luxury for each and every woman out there. For some women it's a luxury and a goal, I am 24 and know of a few women my age for which being a stay a home mom/wife is something they aspire to. I know other women who would love to stay at home with their kids but can't because they need to being home the bacon. I fall into the category of women that do not want to be the stay at home parent. I do want a family, but I also need adult interaction and to be more productive with my day. I need to contribute to society in a way other than being a mom. (Crucify me if you'd like for saying that being a SAHM isn't productive or contributing to society-- my future children may well do just that. But I don't think staying home would fulfill me the way my work does). Lucky me I found a guy who has balls enough to admit that he's fine with making no salary and would love to be the stay at home parent. Is that going to happen? It will if I am making enough money by the time we want kids. If not? Those kiddos are going to grandmas house or daycare.

What matters is that your kids know that you care for and love them and are there to protect and proved for and play with them, whether you do that all day long or when you get home from work. To repeat what #18 and #21 said--how about women just agree that there is no singularly right way to raise a kid and stop kicking the shit out each other on either side of this argument.

I think you should talk to Dr. Phil about this: why has our society gotten to a place where either the decision to stay at home or the decision to go to work is so laden with guilt, (for both sides) AND why is the decision so freakin controversial? Why are we continuing to pit women against each other in this debate when we know having women in the workplace is a good thing, but we also know having SAHMs is also beneficial to society. BOTH are a good decision. Why are we even fostering this discussion when there is no one way to raise a kid? People must not realize there is already enough conflict in this world...

I can't believe you're going on Dr. Phil. The guy is a super-tool. It's one of the worst shows on television. Really depressing to hear from #26, sorry.

Here's the one piece of advice I give every mother with a newborn:

Everyone will try giving you advice, whether you want it or not. Listen to everyone, then do what you feel in your gut you need to do. You are this child's mother. Only you know what's best for this child.

If you could kick your leg in the air and do the thing you did with the taxi (and driver?) in New York, do you remember the thing? All I can remember is that I had guffawing convulsions at that image, and if you could re-create that on tape? You would be a rockstar cubed.

i left my 15+ year career as a user experience designer and manager to stay home with our first baby 18 months ago. i do not miss my job or the office environment at all (still do some small freelance projects from home).

what i do miss is being able to pee, shower, and eat when i want/need to.

i've learned a lot about myself as a mother that i can now relate back to things that frustrated me at work: hated it when people switched meeting times at the last minute -- totally relates to how hard it is for me to handle it when nap times shift or the change from 2 to 1 nap happens.

also, it really pisses me off when people assume i stayed home because i did not like working (lots of people think it is the easy way out of a bad job). my mom said: "i knew you didn't really like working!" i did like my job(s) and that sense of accomplishment, but after waiting for 38 years to have a kid it felt ok to make him the priority (at least for now).

Something that really needs to be addressed is that this whole conversation, to stay at home or to go back to work, is not an either-or argument with "sides" to be taken. What is important is that families have choices, and that women have support to draw on no matter what they choose to do with their work choices. For some women, it is inherently fulfilling to spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment with their kids, making their lives very child-centered. For others, who don't love their children ANY less, they are far more fulfilled by balancing a career with time with their children.

And if Mom is fulfilled, that is always a positive in the lives of her children. Unhappy moms mean unhappy kids, period, though a little oversimplified.

The point is that BOTH choices are valid, and that it comes down to what each individual family needs most. And people like Dr. Phil too often perpetuate these so-called "Mommy Wars," where women on both sides of whatever parenting issue it is feel the need to defend their own choices to the death while demonizing those who choose differently. It's a false dichotomy, and we need to stop encouraging the media and popular culture in their endeavors to drive people onto one "side" or another in the ways we choose to live and do the best we can for our families.