Because my anxiety needed a nudge or two
I remember the first time Leta ever saw an episode of Sesame Street, I think she was maybe thirteen or fourteen months old. She had woken up really early one morning, and in an effort to let Jon get some sleep before heading into his office job I took her out to the living room and turned the television to one of the kid channels. And all it took was one peep out of Elmo and Leta had found religion. Thankfully it wasn't one that required she wear pantyhose for three hours every Sunday morning.
I AM STILL BITTER ABOUT THAT, YES.
I'm not at all ashamed to admit that Sesame Street taught Leta the alphabet. In fact, I didn't know she knew her letters until one night just a few months after that initial exposure to Sesame Street she pointed to the sponge letters in the bathtub and identified each and every one correctly. It was a total freak show! I frantically called Jon into the bathroom and was all, DUDE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? And he's all, what? Is she breathing? And I'm all, BREATHING? I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE KNOWS WHAT A Q LOOKS LIKE!
And then the next two years of our lives were Sesame Street all the time, every day, in the morning, in the night, until suddenly she graduated to the more annoying shows where the characters ask you questions and expect you to respond to the television. WHATEVER. AS IF. Leta actually caught on pretty quickly to that trickery, she knew they couldn't hear her answers, so when Dora was all, WHERE ARE WE GOING? Leta would go, YOU KNOW WE'RE GOING TO THE TREEHOUSE, WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING THAT STUPID QUESTION?
God, I love that kid.
Anyway, it's been a few years since Sesame Street was the background music in our house, and we actually miss it quite a bit. There were certain skits we'd quote to each other all the time, most of them involving Telly Monster and his incurable neuroses. And there was this one bit where a puppet was dressed up to look like Dr. Phil, except his name was Dr. Feel. And they had the actual, real-life Dr. Phil arguing with the puppet over who was the real Dr. Phil. Like:
"No, I'm Dr. Feel!"
"No, I'm Dr. Phil!"
"No, I'm Dr. Feel!"
And it goes on and on and never resolves itself. Totally hilarious.
I guess you had to be there.
We quoted that one to each other all the time, and I played Dr. Feel because of my Southern accent. So imagine me and Jon and Leta sitting around the table eating lunch, and Jon is all, No, I'm Dr. Phil! And I'm all, Naaahhh-oooooohhh! AAAHMM DR. FEEEEEEL! And Leta is all PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
Is there a point to this story, yes I am getting there, hold yer britches.
I can't believe I'm even attempting this, but Monday afternoon I'm flying out to Los Angeles to be on a Dr. Phil show that is taping very early Tuesday morning. And since Marlo is eating nothing but breast milk straight from the boob, she is coming with me. And since there is no way I could handle that kind of chaos by myself, Jon booked a ticket for himself. All so that I can participate in The Conversation of all Conversations, a dialogue or two about the guilt mothers feel when they go back to work, and should they stay at home, and who is right and who is wrong, and why can we not just get along? You know that conversation, it's the one that never ends and probably never will. Because there is no right answer. OH BUT WE DO HAVE OUR OPINIONS, NOW DON'T WE.
As the producers were prepping me for the show I said, you know, some of us have this idea of what staying at home with our kids is going to be like, and then when we actually do it, when we actually Stay At Home With The Kids, it's nothing at all like we imagined it to be. And coping with that reality can be devastating. So there's that side of things.
Since I have this platform and your ears for a bit, is there something you think I should bring up in this conversation? Is there an angle you think needs more attention? Don't we all sometimes feel guilty no matter what choice we make? Do you think I should at one point kick my leg in the air and go, AAAHMM DR. FEEEEEEL!
Also, if you're in the Los Angeles area and want free tickets to be in the studio audience when I appear on the show that is taping Tuesday, August 18, you can email michael.stern@cbsparamount.com. And then stick around and meet Marlo. She can blow bubbles!
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VickieJ said:
Ugh! If you're going to be on the detestable Dr. Phil show, please be sure you kick HIM when doing your Dr. Feel schtick! No, seriously. Kick him.
08.14.09 - 01:13 PM / 1Sarah said:
If I were to be able to talk about this on national television, I'd complain about the fact that educated women who could have successful careers are treated like they are crazy if they choose to stay home with their kids.
08.14.09 - 01:13 PM / 2Pooh said:
Something I've always wondered about...what's it like being a self-employed mom, even if you stay at home with the kids?
And I'm totally the first today :)
08.14.09 - 01:14 PM / 3Anonymous said:
I think that some mom's think they are being "better mom's" by staying at home with their children even though the time they are spending may not be "quaility time". I work a lot and have a 3 year old and I try very hard to make all of the time I spend with him quality time. I feel guilt sometimes but I love my job, so we make it work.
08.14.09 - 01:15 PM / 4Pooh said:
AArgh! One minute! Great! I'll be first another time.
08.14.09 - 01:15 PM / 5Candice said:
You should bring up how hard it is to take a shower and get dressed when your toddler is wide awake (one that doesn't like TV I might add.) I can't imagine there is a more difficult endeavor in an office setting.
08.14.09 - 01:16 PM / 6Ashley said:
I would FLY OUT to LA to see you reenact the Dr. Feel skit!
And that's all I wanted to say. I'm not a mom, so I don't have much of an opinion on the rest of that. Although, I'd love to be a stay at home wife, for no other reason than I'm lazy.
08.14.09 - 01:16 PM / 7Susan said:
I'm so glad you're posting more often! I miss you when you're gone. :) And I think it would be super awesome if you could recreate the Dr. Feel skit with Dr. Phil.
08.14.09 - 01:17 PM / 8Daddy Scratches said:
I think you should examine the guilt---or, rather, the seeming absence thereof---brought on by tending to your child's needs at the total expense of your husband's ... the guy who used to get all your attention ... and who didn't have to call you out on his blog in order to get you to make him an apple pie once in a blue moon ... and whose sex life with you doesn't really return to normal until your youngest child is about four years old ... which, thankfully, mine now is ...
Oh, wait, I don't think I'm writing about you anymore.
Good luck on the show.
(DISCLAIMER: I'm kidding, ladies ... mostly.)
08.14.09 - 01:17 PM / 9Jenna Jean said:
I continue to watch Sesame Street till this very day because of the ballroom dancing. That was beautiful and so entertaining when I was younger and still is.
08.14.09 - 01:17 PM / 10Anonymous said:
Just be sure to let us know when it will air! I have converted several people, some of them not even in UT, to being Heather readers.
08.14.09 - 01:17 PM / 11Anonymous said:
I echo Sarah, commenter #2.
08.14.09 - 01:18 PM / 12Elizabeth_K said:
As always, you are right on --- anything you choose or/do, you regret it and/or feel guilty. Parenting is so joyous, and ... guilt filled. you'll ROCK!
08.14.09 - 01:20 PM / 13d3 voiceworks said:
There's an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (in season 2) where Larry David has been sitting on the bed watching Maury Povich instead of getting ready to go out with his wife. She razzes him when she gets home and finds him there eating donettes, and when he gets up off the bed, she says something to him that prompts a typical Maury guest reaction, that you should do:
Slam your hands against your chest, throw them out toward the audience, then say
You think you know me? You don't know me.
Fuck ME? FUCK YOU!
or something like that.
08.14.09 - 01:20 PM / 14Erica Hennings said:
You have GOT to bring up somehing to embarass your father and then show his photo!
Much love from Memphis,
E
08.14.09 - 01:20 PM / 15Katie said:
Is it possible at ALL for any show like that to focus on why women DO this to each other and perhaps (I know this sounds CRAZY!!!) we could explore how the hell to put a freaking stop to it.
Oh wait--that's not good TV. Forget it.
08.14.09 - 01:21 PM / 16Katie said:
Also, maybe you could breastfeed ON TV. Maybe that would make MY idea (#16) a better sell for good TV.
08.14.09 - 01:22 PM / 17M said:
I am a college educated woman with a graduate degree and I agree that some people think you can only stay home with your kids if you don't get bored easily. I stayed home with my four kids for 10 years. Was it thrilling? Most of the time, no. Did I enjoy it? Most of the time, yes. Was it the best decision for our family? Absolutely. My kids have turned out to be lovely people. I spent time with them and gave them attention that every child needs from a parent.
For us, it was a choice that involved priorities. We made less money when I was not working, but our kids were #1.
I am an elementary school teacher. I can tell you that I can WITHOUT A DOUBT which kids in my class had parents who stayed home with them at least for the first five years. IT IS THAT OBVIOUS.
I would do it again in a second. Even though my own, rotten mother once said to me, "Smart people just can't ever stand to stay home with their kids. It drives them crazy." Bitch.
08.14.09 - 01:23 PM / 18Anonymous said:
How about how annoying it is to hear all of these, "stay at home mom's should get 10 different salaries because they work 10 different jobs?" Because what about those of us that work all day because we have to, and then have to perform those 10 other jobs in our "free time"? The reality is we all work hard, we all make choices. Being a stay at home mother doesn't pay a salary because seemingly, if you can do that, do you NEED a second salary? I don't know a single stay at home mom that frets over the fact that she's not contributing financially, where as many (but not all) working mothers i know are doing so out of necessity. For so many families working just isn't about choices. End of story.
08.14.09 - 01:24 PM / 19Jenna Jean said:
Shit, I just admitted I still watch Sesame Street and I'm 23 on a well read blog.
08.14.09 - 01:24 PM / 20Jeanette said:
Off the top of my head, I just feel that no matter what we decide, Moms are the harshest critics of other Moms...you'd think we'd know what each other was going through and cut some slack, but other moms are the worst critics! (as I'm sure you've learned through this site.)
When I was first going back to work I was flipping through some channels on TV and caught the tail end of this show where a bunch of women sat around at a coffee shop with their kids on some couches and talked about topics we can all relate to as moms. I will NEVER forget this one woman breaking down in tears and leaving the show crying thinking about all of the kids who were being raised in daycare. Said that their parents shouldn't have had them if they didn't have the time or finances to raise them themselves... Though I knew it was ludicrous, there is a part of me as a working mom that always remembers that and feels guilty.
Mom guilt. It can be crippling. I hate getting sitters or going out on the weekend b/c I feel like I have my son in daycare all week so why would I then give up precious weekend time?! But work hardly qualifies as "me-time"...so then I just never get any...
08.14.09 - 01:24 PM / 21Anonymous said:
I think it would be awesome if on the Dr. Phil show you could connect the commonality of mother guilt with the cultural phenomenon of mother blaming. It is not just an internal shaming that happens, it is culturally supported...you only need to read the judgemental comments on news stories to see this. I think that moms' personal experiences of guilt are connected to a much larger tendency as a society to put too much weight on mothers' shoulders, and part of getting out of that trap personally, is dialoguing about it at a cultural level. Thanks for asking for input, I think that is cool.
08.14.09 - 01:25 PM / 22TishaMarie said:
I don't just think you should do the Dr. Feeel thing, I think you HAVE to. It is a tribute to your southern heritage!!! OK, maybe I am a little biased, but I want to hear it instead of just reading it and imagining what it sounds like.
On a more serious note, I made a transition to work at home, and I still take my child to daycare. I am not be-friended by either side of the debate.
08.14.09 - 01:25 PM / 23Amber Smith said:
I think the guilt just belongs with being a parent. Wanting to do it all, have the clean house, be good at work and not lose your shit occasionally. There is so much to be done at home and before you know it it's bedtime and your poor kid doesn't want to go to bed because you haven't had anytime for her. Then you feel like a horrible parent because you need to put her down anyways because you don't want her to be a monster in the morning when you have to get them up for day care. Sorry just venting I had one of those very guilt ridden nights.
08.14.09 - 01:25 PM / 24Anonymous said:
I stayed home for 6 months after my son was born and dreaded returning to work. Turned out my PPD got much better after I returned to the world and the routine and being around people. I now know that staying home (sometimes in PJs unitl afternoon) is not healthy for me...and maybe for some of us working is just what we need to get better.
08.14.09 - 01:25 PM / 25Jamie said:
I live in OC (one hour from LA) and wanna finally meet Dooce! (and Marlo too!) I missed you at all the book signings. Ticket request is in. =)
08.14.09 - 01:25 PM / 26Michelle said:
PLEASE come back and tell us how truly freaky Robin looks like in person. Even with airbrushing you can tell how much plastic surgery she's had.
Other than that, I'm totally with #14.
08.14.09 - 01:26 PM / 27Tabitha (From Single to Married) said:
That's so cool - I don't watch Dr. Phil but I'm going to have to tape your episode. It's a good question too, and one that I've been thinking a lot about since I'm pregnant with my first child. I have no idea what the answer is unfortunately, since I haven't tried being home yet. So I'm curious to hear the discussion. Good luck!
08.14.09 - 01:27 PM / 28Anonymous said:
On "Staying Home". I stayed home for 4 years after my daughter was born and in that time my son was born. I went back to work when my son was 2. I NEEDED to go back to work not because I had some wonderful career or super high paying job, but because I was not cut out for Staying at Home with the Kids. Having done both I will say the grass IS always greener when you are all the way over on one side or another and the middle ground is strewn with landmines of speculation and doubt. I just try to be grateful for having experienced all three.
08.14.09 - 01:27 PM / 29Sarah said:
You will Rock the Dr. Feel show! I think you should mention that as women we should support each others decision and not be so judgemental of each other. Some women HAVE to go back to work. Some don't...some WANT to go back..some don't. Sometimes there isn't a choice. I'm lucky that I won the husband lottery and I get to stay home with my girl...but that may not be the way another woman would feel.
Let us know when it's supposed to air!
08.14.09 - 01:27 PM / 30