Heather, what you have penned here is EXACTLY what happened with my son (also 5 when our daughter was born). I had the identical experience - both from our Son's reaction, and my emotional reaction thinking "what have I done to my baby???" I think it's harder on a 5 year old to accept a new sibling than it is a 2 year old. I can only hope that SB's kids were closer in age, because really... her comment just blew my mind. I hope her kids have an opportunity to learn empathy from someone in their lives. I suppose calling someone a cold-hearted....adding word here...wouldn't be appropriate either though - to quote SB.
And yes, Leta will get over it eventually.. my kids love each other to death now.. and they both realize that we love them both with all of our hearts.

Oh how I felt those same feelings with my second born--as if I had betrayed my first. Hang in there Heather!

One of my favorite stories is of when my mom was pregnant with my little brother. My dad told her that he was afraid that he couldn't love another child as much as he loved me. He ended up doing quite fine.

I told this story in his eulogy five months ago.

I don't know how you do it, but you put things into words perfectly. I felt exactly the same way when my second daughter was born. Thank you! xoxo

OMG! Now I'm going to cry.

Beautiful!

That sounds heartbreaking and I'm sure I dont have anything to add from the 6456 comments you alrady have but...it will get better. Every family I've ever seen has had this crazy adjustment period, and it really does get better.

I'm 39 1/2 weeks pregnant with my second and have been feeling SO MUCH GUILT about bringing a sibling into my daughter's life. You nailed it right on the head. Off to get a tissue and pull myself together. Can't imagine how much harder this will be on little sleep and new baby hormones....

Leta is responding to the change, not to Marlo. Think of your siblings; now try to imagine your childhood without them. Good and bad, stitches and arguments, back-seat, over-the-line fights, tattling, chaos and all, THIS IS FAMILY. You (& Jon & Marlo) have given Leta all that--instead of life of solitary quiet surrounded by adults. Ignore the NOW; focus on the beauty (and myriad annoyances ;) ) that will be LATER. Leta helping Marlo with her art projects, picking her up when she falls, sharing Barbies (or GI Joes), styling her hair, giving her advice...LETA HOLDING MARLO'S BABIES...sisterhood is a great thing. Revel in the new relationship you've created, the new experiences you're giving Leta and the new facet of her personality that will be able to develop itself.
All that said, I have one kid that is adverse to change of any type...I know you're feeling the pressure, plus hormones and sleeplessness--normal, normal, normal response. Jon will help you watch for those PPD symptoms and be sure you're taking enough care of yourself. Try to take it all day by day, look for the beauty around you, take lots of pictures since you're living in the postpartum fog. You'll get through--all us moms of 2+ promise you will ;)

I know the feeling. When I was in labor with my second child, and knew I would be going to the hospital soon, I went into my 2-year-olds room and picked him up out of a sound sleep (it was 4:00am) so I could hold him and rock him and cry! I did not want to leave him and I felt so bad for him! It was pretty emotional!

My niece was also about five when her younger sister was born. She had lobbied hard for another kid for years. "If you had a baby, I wouldn't have to play with all these dolls!" was my favorite line.

Those bittersweet moments of change will keep on coming, but maybe not with quite so many raging hormones. My 14-year old still wants her mama to tell her she loves her, even after she has told me to stop singing in public.

Right...now imagine that your husband is gone to an actual job all day, every day, your older child doesn't have a Grandma's house to go to for a week off for you, and you worked on your feet 12 hours a day during your pregnancy, instead of staying in hotels and enjoying a book tour. It could be worse.

OMG! I am about 3 months ahead of you... I have a 6 year old and a 3 month old... as I read about your reaction to seeing Leta again (AT WORK) that oh so lovely hormone issue kicked my boobs into overdrive and I had the MOST embrassing let down of my adult life and had to scramble to the ladies room clutching my pump to my chest to hide the gushing milk that could have filled up an entire dairy case at the grocery store!!!!!!!

Long-time reader delurking to commiserate. Had a baby boy three weeks ago and brought him home to his almost-five-year-old sister. She's had such a hard time adjusting, and my heart has been broken ever since. I can't even do my usual bedtime cuddle with her since he cries every night at that time. I mutter cliches through the tears: "This, too, shall pass." And "Time heals all wounds." :) Congratulations on the beautiful addition to your lovely family. Hang in there! I'll think of you--awake, too--during those wee-hours feedings.

Leta and Marlo are lucky to have you & Jon.

Anonymous #32, I am five years younger than my sister and ten years younger than my brother and they are still two of the closest people to me. Don't worry. It will be ok.

I wasn't expecting to get all choked up.

I brought my newborn daughter home when my son was 5 and I remember feeling these exact same feelings. I want to have another and I'm battling these feelings again. My little one is just as attached as her brother was.

You shouldn't post these things when I'm in the middle of PMS. Its not nice to cry at work. :)

My second is 11 months old now, my first just a little bit shy of five, and I still struggle off and with the feelings you're describing. This first year's been full of so many ups and downs, so much joy, so many happy surprises and beautiful connections and then again so much (as you've already experienced) racking guilt and pain. It IS a huge, HUGE adjustment for everyone involved, this transition, but it gets easier, or at least those overwhelming OHMYGAWD WHATHAVEIDONE?! moments space themselves out a bit farther so you can really relax and enjoy your husband and two beautiful kids in between them.

And bless Leta's sweet heart for being willing and able to express her fears and doubts. I believe (in my limited, extremely human experience) it's a sign of some very good, smart, empathetic parenting, that Leta's in touch with what she's feeling and able to verbalize it to y'all so you can address it with her. My daughter's been the same way --I'm so thankful she's not just stuffing her emotions down, worrying/feeling sad and NOT bringing me into her little head so I can give her the comfort/support she needs. Keep spooning that little girl, and keep listening, and you'll all get through it fine.

(Also, my little girl loves her baby brother more than anything in the world, as he does her. And that is a thing to behold, I'll tell you! Joy abounding!)

I remember feeling this way when our second was born. My mom told me it was my heart dividing and that made a lot of sense to me.

You and Jon have given her the best gift of her life.. a sister. Of course, she won't realize it until they've both moved out and by then the fights over clothes, hairdryers, and boys will have given you a head full of grey hair.

Enjoy!

That story made ME cry!!!!!! And I don't even know y'all!!!

Leta is adjusting, but you and Jon will do a great job of making it easy for her. And before you know it, she's gonna be Marlo's fiercest protector and biggest fan. I can very clearly remember taking care of my little brothers when I was about her age. I think in a few months you'll see a little mommy emerge in her.

Until then, enjoy your awesome chocolate ice cream breakfasts. :)

Sounds like you're handling things great with Leta. Maybe when the baby is a little older you can tell her Marlo is HER baby, too? My parents told my older brother I was his baby, and it helped the sibling jealousy. Well, until I was old enough to take his toys. After I flushed GI Joe down the toilet, it was all downhill from there...

Heather,
I had four children in five and a half years. I can only imagine what the oldest one thought when we brought home a new baby every other year. He actually handled it pretty well. Today they are 27, 25, 23, and 22. They all speak to each other by phone about every other day. The baby is a girl and she and my oldest son are the closest. She told me just yesterday that he is her best friend and knows that he would drop anything in a moment's notice to help her. They fought a lot when they were younger but they love and respect each other now.

Hang in there!

Been there, done that. Someday in the not too distant future none of you will be able to imagine life without Marlo. And Leta's head won't seem so big. :)

Dooce,

I am a long time lurker (since shortly after Leta was born). Always enjoy reading your comments about parenting and love your sense of humor on it. Several times I have laughed and shook my head in total agreement.I have never commented, but I just felt compelled to comment on this one.

I find your reaction to Leta when she returned home interesting. I have a similar experience myself. My son is only a few days older than Leta and I just recently had my second son at the beginning of the year. I remember laying with my first born every night at bedtime before having the second and I never really noticed his size. But, after coming home from the hospital with my second and laying down at night with my first son, my first son is HUGE now! Everything just seems HUGE! Huge feet! Huge head! When I hug him his chest seems thicker (not fat, just thicker). Has he really grown up that quick?

My first son loves his new brother, but if the new baby won't smile at him he says the baby doesn't like him. We have to assure him that sometimes the baby just does not want to smile. Doesn't smile at mommy sometimes either.

I feel sorry for my first son that he has lost time with us as well. We try to make sure to include him on everything we can and make special time for just the three of us without baby when possible. Some of the things I told myself I would always do (like lay down and visit with him for a long time at night) have changed despite my best efforts(I cannot lay there as long as I used to - baby to feed, etc.). It is hard. I am feeling the same way.

Thanks for sharing, Heather....you write so beautifully. Since you have a sister I know you know that Leta will be fine and even thankful eventually. I agree with another commenter that soon Leta may be telling you how to take care of her little sister, Marlo.

Remember to call her "your baby sister" or "the baby" and never the "NEW baby". And you can always tell Leta that she is such a wonderful child that you wanted to have another. And of course the old standby that once the other kid is over 4 years old, she will be able to boss her around and have a little slave for years to come LOL.

I was an only child, so when I brought my 2nd and 3rd daughters home, I felt like I was giving my oldest a big present! My oldest was 5 as well when #2 was born, and she adjusted just fine after a week or so. Leta and Marlo will be best friends, it just takes time. I love to watch mine now, taking care of each other and defending the others to the end!

I am a mother of three. My first born (a girl) is also 5 yrs older then my next (a boy). I too was just broken hearted when I saw her after her spending a week with my family. I suddenly felt like the little chubby hands and wrists had gone anorexic over the course of a week. She was no longer little. I cried daily, feeling like I had betrayed her trust, love and our bond. What I had no idea of knowing at the time, is that the birth of her first brother had given us a whole new level of connectivity. I spoke to her with the gentelist of words, giving her little ears full explanations of why she was so improtant to my being. And gazed into her eyes far more then I ever thought possible.

I explained how she changed me, how I would never be the same as before and how I never wanted to go back to being just ONE and how thankful I was for their daddy for giving me such immense amounts of joy.

I let her help with feedings and change diapers; put socks on him and even tuck his blankey around him. She was important to him too. I even let her climb in his crib (supervised) and read to him.

She is 11 now and he is 6. As her world is changing and she is starting to become more independent, no matter how reluctant I am to loosen the grip; she is still, by far the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never miss the chance to tell her, perhaps I tell her too much.

At the end of the day, Marlo is a beautiful addition to your family, but you will always share a special bond with Leta. You will pour all that you have into reminding her. (even when she hates you)

It's totally your hormones.
and godammit! Ice cream for breakfast means you don't have to cook!!

Best of luck to you Dooce!

damn you Heather for making me tear up at work!

I remember that feeling, like I betrayed my firstborn when I brought her sister home. They are inseparable. Hang in there.

Motherhood is intense. I think it is something that surprises all of us moms...when we realize the depth of our feelings for these little creatures.

You described my feeling perfectly. My son was born 2/6/04, I think the same day as Leta. After 2 miscariages we had another boy on March 2nd of this year. 5 year gap just like you.

The feeling the Leta is so big, instantly bigger, won't go away. Both my husband and I are amazed every day. It is the weirdest feeling when your baby, your #1, instantly becomes this big kid.

My oldest is sensitive, like Leta. The baby has a habit of screaming in the car and it gives #1 a headache. He has gotten more fustrated with the crying and is tuning out.

Enjoy the moments, there will be many.

My 7 year old stepson went through the "why does everyone want to see HER?" phase when my 15 month old was born. We explained that she was new and everyone was like that with him, too. We made him part of the whole event. We asked him to get her a blanket, her pacifier, etc. We let him hold her and bragged about how great of a big brother he was. We made sure he was very involved with taking care of her and we lavished the compliments and praise on him. It worked. Now they are each other's favorite person in the whole world and their faces light up when they see each other. He still gets his Daddy time where he and my husband go out by themselves and do boy stuff.

And I'm terrified of getting pregnant with my own 2nd child because of 1. My daughter is my WORLD and I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as her 2. It would take away from my daughter Bayley. 3. Sleep would be non-existent!

Isn't it the truth?? I remember seeing my 7 year old as being so much bigger than I had imagined her the day before-big eyes, big head, big ears, big teeth :) Funny that about 5 months later, my lil' baby had caught up so much!

Hang in there!- painful transition? Probably. But well worth it when they can spit pure painful venom at eachother is 12 or so years :)

Oh My Goodness!! I was just scrolling through the comments as well, noticed what Sasha said and so checked out what SB said... What in the world is wrong with that woman?!! Since when is a child expressing their insecurities and feelings a "behavior"? And way to blame Heathers "parenting style"! A mother who knows and loves her daughter and is willing to listen to and love her in the ways she needs is someone to be emulated, not slammed back handedly by calling her "patient".

We're talking about having a second child, and I'm terrified at disrupting what we have with our son. I can't imagine loving another baby like I love the bub, but I know I will. And I think that living life with a sibling--and having a family of four, will enrich all our lives.

Oh my God. All I can say is thank you. I was so afraid my fear of this was just a bit crazy. Knowing that it will be perfectly normal when I bawl my eyes out a month from now (not that it will be the first time I've done but I'm sure it'll be the worst - given your post made me bawl about it too) for ruining my daughter's life by bringing in "someone else" is actually very comforting. Thank you.

I still tell my oldest (who's 15) that he's special because he did something that no one else in this world can claim... On the day he was born, he made me a mom.

Heather, I felt this exact same way when I was in labor with my second son. I didn't understand the feelings. I even asked my nurse if her first born was happy to have a sibling - her response was that having another child was the best gift she could ever have given her first born.

Now that my boys are older, ages 7 and 5, I see that she was absolutely right! I promise!!

Aw! I feel your agony, I had terrible PPD with my first son and stayed on medication throughout my second pregnancy and although it was a lot milder the second time around I still had a major case of those effing baby blues. My first born is now 4 and my second born will be 1 next month. I can honestly say that I still feel pangs of guilt and tenderness towards my first born (I also gave him 4 step siblings too- maternal guilt abounds). But I also found I also feel sorry for my second son too because he doesn't get the attention and one on one that my first son was able to have. So, either way, mother is screwed.

I hope you get through this time with lots of support and love. Take care of yourself.

Oh, Heather! I got tears in my eyes! I know exactly what you're talking about!

It will get better. The week after my second son was born my oldest told me that he wanted to put the baby in the mailbox because we didn't want him anymore. He also told me to let the policeman take the baby away. I cried and cried and wondered what I had done. They love eachother now, and I didn't have the same problem when my youngest was born.

SB and Sasha, and anyone else who echoed their sentiments, you obviously have NO heart or soul, based on your responses. I would hazard a guess that your children are as hardened and cold as you. What a shame.

This was a beautiful post full of honesty and real emotion. Anybody who's ever truly loved a child can relate and will find their heart aching.

Heather, being a parent is always a challenge, even moreso when you add a new little one to the mix. Emotions and feelings, places in the hierarchy and the wild ride to follow will eventually bring you all closer together. Hang in there, and keep the hugs going!

SB must have read Ezzo "Baby Wise" books, unadultered dangerous parenting advise in those books!
That is why someone could write they think Leta is being manipulative by expressing her feelings.

She is being honest.
Jon and Heather you did great reminding her your heart has grown, and grew to made room for Marlo.

And the dogs? They had a vacation too?

Congratulations; the next one will be even easier.

I was my parents' firstborn, and I remember having a hard time adjusting to having the spotlight move off of me onto my younger sister. It can be a weird transition-- going from being the center of your parents' attention to being a big sister-- but it ends up being SO WORTH IT. My younger self no doubt would have disagreed, but now I wouldn't trade my siblings for anything. They are a constant source of joy and love in my life. Leta owes you big time for a gift like Marlo! Remind yourself of that.

Oh I do know how you feel. I am expecting a new addition to our family by the end of August. When I asked my daughter if she was excited to have a younger sister, she blatently said NO! I know she is going to make me feel very guilty when the new baby arrives, but what can we do? Since we're on the subject, you MUST watch this video that my mother sent me. I don't want to give it away, but lets just say that this video puts a very funny, unexpected twist on what it's like for a mom to break the news to her family that she's "expecting".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iURGJpoEcn0

Wow,
Some of the comments are really so mean. :(
Heartbreaking how cruel some people are.
Yeah Dooce's life could be worse, she could be the bitter women who commented in #623 who wishes her own unfortunate difficult time as a parent on others.

Leta is a brilliant child in touch with her feeling and J+H seem like amazing parents that let her give voice to her feelings.

Shut off comments.
Preserve that warm fuzzy prolactin maternal feelings for your delightful daughters.

I figure ANY mother can totally relate to the maternal guilt thing. It's inevitable, like death and taxes. You feel guilty if you're a single mom, a working mom, a multiple-child mom, a fat mom, a skinny mom, a young mom, an old mom, an adoptive mom - the list is endless.

As a mom I was neglectful, worked full time, abandoned my child to an uncaring father and abusive stepmother, and ran off with a sleazy boyfriend. I don't know how I could have been any worse as a mother and, WHEW!, talk about guilt.

But the most amazing thing is, we got a chance to reconnect several years later. He's now a grown man - smart, hard working, intelligent, and happy. And somehow he adores his mother and we've actually managed to develop a healthy, loving, supportive relationship. Go figure.

Yeah, you're gonna feel guilty, no matter what you do. But even if you screw up as royally as I did (not that you will), know that you can still reap incredible, indescribable joy and love from your children.

Rock on, Armstrongs.

I am pregnant with my second and I hadn't even begun to think about my feelings for my first born. I have been very concerned about how she feels for the new baby and so on. Thanks for the warning! Thanks for letting me into your life, its always a great moment in my day when you post something.

oh i totally know how you feel. it's bittersweet :) enjoy this wonderful time momma and u gave Leta the greatest gift of all - new sister! this was one of your sweetest post ever..i like this new emotional side of you..very refreshing!

A minute or so after my water broke the morning my second child was born, my first woke up and started calling for me. And I burst into tears because, since I was leaking amniotic fluid and all, I couldn't very well go down the hall and get her like I had done practically every single day of her life so far.

The hospital stay was the first time I had ever been away from her overnight.

So what I'm saying is I totally get how you feel. You probably know this already, but it will get easier! Eventually.

Transitions are hard, huh?

I felt exactly the same after i had my second. I think it's just a combination of hormones and a bit of mourning the life you had as a threesome. We had a rocky first few months and now....almost three years later, it is great. Life as a four will be better than you can imagine right now but it will take a while to adjust
xx

I'm crying. You are amazing.

I remember when my baby brother first came home from the hospital; I was protective and jealous all at once. My mother always told me (and it still makes me feel better...I'm in my 20s) that I was the baby that made them want another one. Kind of a self-centered approach I guess, but it made it a little easier. I'm sure my 3 y/o self told lots of people that, "I was so good I made them want to have HIM!"

Fights and sibling rivalry and vying for attention are all sure to come (my brother and I used to beat the crap out of each other) but today he's my best friend in the entire world and there is nothing he could do that would ever make walk away from him or love him less. You should have seen the crying at his graduation this weekend (my crying, not my parents.)

Enjoy this time, and look forward to all of the adventures they're going to have together as they grow up! You're doing a great job! :)

Wow. It must be so tough having the huge task of carefully managing the big transition for Leta on top of caring for a newborn and dealing with all those insane hormones. All I want to say is that I am the oldest of three girls, and I cry when I think about how lonely life would be without them. Just the thought of them brings me comfort. You've given Leta a great gift. Hang in there :)

Oh, my heart breaks for you at this moment with Leta. My daughter was 4 when our twin girls were born. There was the observing from a distance, then she held them. She'd cry when they'd cry because it was just so damned loud. She has remembered fondly when "it was just the 3 of us". That made me cry from guilt often. Well, my first is 5 now and the babies are 1. When I asked her now, she says loves them to death and wouldn't send them back. So, it'll get better, it just takes time to adapt...for everyone.

What a great post, Heather! Leta can rest assured that she's got all the love in the world, plus all the internet love!

But please don't forget to tell us about your amazing labor and birth! I didn't take the time to write it all down in detail right away after my own birth and when i finally did, I couldn't remember certain things..And you know what happens to a mom's memory after birth..it's all one big mush.
Thanks again for sharing!

I remember being shocked by the size of my firstborn when we brought home our second! Then, being shocked again, the next two times, when I knew it would happen, and I thought I was prepared! Spend time with Leta looking at her baby pictures, talk to her about the things she used to do as a baby. For example, as you give Marlo a bath, talk to Leta about her first baths. Get Leta involved, handing you diapers for changing the baby or pushing her in the baby swing or stroller. As Marlo can interact more, Leta will be so impressed when she can get a smile or a laugh from her baby sister.

SB is cuckoo. I do think it must be lovely though to live in a world where you are so convinced you are doing everything right as a parent. I hope SB enjoys it while it lasts.

Seriously though, lovely post. I have a four-year-old and I'm due in less than six weeks with our second. I feel like I'm waiting for this great big tidal wave of emotion to hit (both her and me).

Bitter sweet, like so many emotions with our kids.
I wonder if my kids (we have five) have stored enough material for future therapy sessions about jealousy, sibling rivalry and chaos in our home.

Congrats on your daughter
Anita

Oh boy. I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant, and already very weepy on a semi-regular basis (damn hormones!) and I happen to read this, and now I'm bawling.

I have a 3 year old son. He's my firstborn, my pride, my joy, my backbone, my life, my everything. Towards the middle of this pregnancy, I started wondering if I've made a mistake. Not so much because I felt like I've betrayed my son, but more guilty, and wondering if I could ever love my daughter as much as my son, and feeling like I'm already shortchanging her.

People tell me that I'll get over it, and that I will be able to love both kids equally...and then my son says to me the other day "*I'M* your baby, okay, mommy? I'm your best baby." and the waterworks start again.

Good luck. And (obviously) you are not alone.

My boys are 1.5 years apart, so certainly closer together, but the older wasn't crazy about the younger one at first. He'd try to pull the baby out of my lap when I was nursing, etc.

BUT... once the baby was old enough to smile at him and think he is funny, everything is so much different! All he wants to do is make Ben smile, or show him toys, etc. I bet Leta will be telling Marlo princess stories in no time, since she will have such an enthralled, captive audience!

As a first born, I am sitting on a sidewalk with a red velvet cupcake, fighting back tears. That was the apology I'd always wanted. My mother will thank you.

Oh my goodness Heather.

I had totally FORGOTTEN that. I mean, the feeling you described had totally left my memory, but it all came racing back when I read your words.

I remember thinking (about my 3 3/4 year old son at the time when I brought home his baby sister), "I am so sorry. I am so so so terribly sorry that I have disrupted your world and changed the good thing we have going. I am so SORRY!!!"

Heather. Please hear me---- it will be ok. It will be ok. It is just a change, a massive change, but it will be ok and you won't even remember feeling that way and won't be able to imagine life without your new little glow worm. I absolutely promise you.

My Aidan has been a nonstop joy since the moment we saw that positive pregnancy test that I immediatley said I wanted another.

And I still do.

I hope it can happen. He is amazing to me.

You're very lucky. Enjoy.

The birth of my second child was one of the hardest experiences of my life. He was a tough infant, took up every spare second I had, and I felt like my oldest was completely shafted. I worried that I had abandoned my first, my beautiful, my amazing son for this other screaming, pooping machine.

Three years later, they love each other with fierce brotherly love. And my kids all know I love them more than anything in the world. The transition is tough, but Leta knows how much you love her.

I guess I've only been on the getting-a-little-sister side of this equation and I was thrilled and excited and loved every second of having a little one in the house. I never viewed it as a painful transition, rather a joyous time in our family. Perhaps it was because my mom and dad were so happy and I picked that up. But then again, at that point (8 years old) I was SO ready to not be the only child.

Because I am a glass half full, sickeningly optimistic person I'm going to throw out a suggestion (oh, and I am also a mother of 3); don't look at the birth of Milo as closing the door on Leta's time as an only child but rather look at it as opening the door on a new adventure. The adventure of Leta becoming a big sister.

Easier said than done, but just keep that thought in your mind. You didn't wrong Leta by having a child, you enabled her to spread her wings and take on a new role.

Could you imagine your life without your sister? When you were Leta's age, you probably would have said sure. Now, you value that relationship (I think).

I remember being blindsided by that same feeling four years ago, and no, no one tells you that's going to happen. Hang in there. Soon, Marlo will be less of a "thing" that takes your and Jon's attention, and instead she will be Leta's best friend and permanent play date!

It won't last forever, I promise. But it might last about 4 months, until Marlo can sit up and play with her -- or at least, that's how it was here. After that, I felt a lot less guilty.

Long time reader, rare commenter -- wishing the best for you --

Lisa (the girls' moma)

have no doubt - you have just given her one of the greatest gifts of all time. nothing can replace a sister, having lost one of mine sisters 2 wks before her 25th bday, i promise you that. she will come around, and before you know it, you'll want in on their world and adventures that are only just beginning.

I love hearing what an older brother/sister thinks of their new sibling.... When my oldest son was asked what he thought of his new brother, he said "I think he's going to cry at night and WAKE ME UP!!"

Having TWO is really wonderful...and I dare say it's just about the perfect "amount" [as former Mormons the hubby and I are against the practice of having so many kids that there aren't enough hours in the day, dollars in the bank or non-crazy cells left in the brain to do right by them] I'm sure your two girls will grow close just as my two boys are..despite their near 14 year age difference!

Lovely story and enjoy the ice cream!

Leading up to the birth of our second all I could think about was how I was ruining our first born's life. He was just over two at the time, and I kept thinking he's too young to understand, mommy and daddy are his whole universe and now he is going to have to share us and it is going to feel awful and unfair to him, but he won't have any way of expressing it so he will just be a mess. Well, I was right, at least for the first few months. He was a mess, very emotional and aggressive, though thankfully he never took it out on the baby. Now, almost a year later, of course I know that he has no re-collection of being an only child. He's a proud big brother now, and I since the youngest is starting to become more of a real person, I see those little hints of the brotherly bonding and it just warms my heart.

Oh, so this is why those crazy Duggars have so many kids. It's an ice cream deal.

I could have written this, almost word for word, six months ago when we brought Sam home from the hospital. It does get better. Charlotte and Sam's relationship with each other just keeps evolving, and it's fun (and no longer painful or sad) to experience.

Very well said-wow.
now I am feeling guilty for only having one.

I wish all parents were of the same mind as you and your husband. What a wonderful world this would be for kids then.

OMG! Make me cry! That is the sweetest thing I have read in a long time. The last sentence wrapped it up in a big beautiful bow.

I enjoy reading your stories & looking at your amazing pictures. So much in fact, I don't think I have missed one single blog in the 3 yrs since I was introduced to Dooce.com.

Keep up the great work & F**K all the haters.

My mom told me this to tell my son when my daughter was born. That my love for him was like a candle flame. Burns bright. And when I use it to light another candle, it continues to burn just as bright. ONly now there are two bright candles burning brilliantly. He especially liked the demonstration. YOu can keep that one in your arsenal if you need it...xo

When my mother called me, I was three, from the hospital after having my sister i screamed at her to stay there until she had a boy and then i wouldn't talk to her for the first few days she came home.

I eventually got over it and i wouldn't trade her for any brother in the world.

They will love each other more deeply then u can imagine.

Leta is so lucky to have a mother like you.

Heather,

I was so moved by this post - I've been frequently checking your site since Marlo's birth announcement for this first post to see how things were going. My heart goes out to you during this time. I found transitioning from one to two children a harder adjustment than being childless and becoming a parent. Maybe it's the guilt, or the hormones and the sleeplessness combined with having to be 'on' for your older child, but your post gets me where I live. Your vulnerability is so touching.

When our son was born almost 4 years after our daughter, we had a birthday party for the baby. We don't have any family close by, so our daughter's first night away while I labored at the hospital was with a close friend. In her overnight bag, I packed a bake-it-in-one-tray microwave cake for her to make and bring to the 'party'. Our daughter had a gift for the baby, something we had shopped for together before he was born, and was suprised to find a present from him when she came to the hospital.

And my experience was the same when I saw her for the first time after the baby was born. In a day and a half, our daughter had become HUGE! The thing I was struck by most, however, was the noise level. It was like living with horses and elephants. I never thought of my daughter as being particularly loud until I tried to put the baby to sleep at home for the first time.

Enormous love notwithstanding, I am just so fond of our daughter; of who she is and the hilarious things she does. I worried that another child would change all that. It didn't. It was crazy hard at first, but now our daughter is 12 and our son is 8-years old. I absolutely love the age difference. The difference in age affords lots of opportunities - each child getting to be the 'baby' as well as having their own set of friends.

I am thinking good thoughts for your family. Family truly is the bomb - and finding your way through it all is the good stuff. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way at the time - but looking back, it has made my life so rich. Thank you for opening up your lives to us. I look forward to the stories as the girls get older together.

Fondly,

Brea

The guilt doesn't go away, but it does get much easier.

As for getting by today, ice cream for breakfast fixes everything.

Oh wow, how your story reminds me of my childhood.

When my younger sister was born I was really upset I had to share my room with her. So, every night I'd pull her (I was 5) through her crib bars and put her in the bassinet next to my parents' bed. I guess I thought she'd never grow or something because she got stuck in the bars one night. In the end, the crib was destroyed because the bars were sawed off to get her out. I was such a BRAT.

We slept together in the same full-size bed after that night. I'm sure my parents thought that not only sharing my room, but my bed as well would force me out of my bratty only child phase, but I actually loved it. We'd laugh and laugh, stay up way late, and play games under the covers with flashlights.

I don't know what I would do without my sister!

I don't have many memories of life before my brother; I wasn't even three yet when he was born. I was seven, though, when my mom had my baby sister. And I remember asking her once why she wanted another one; weren't me and my brother enough?

And she said "You are SO AMAZING. How could I not want MORE of you?"

It always stuck with me.

Congratulations to you and your family. You are such a wonderful bunch to follow!

I just have to say that, although normally you are quite a good read, this last post is exquisitly expressed.

Is this the hormone thing, kuz if it is, where can I get me some?

Oh, I remember those feelings. I spent the entire 9 months of my second pregnancy feeling like I had betrayed my first-born, and felt exactly as you describe when the new baby came. My dear firstborn, in the first week, at age TWO, said to me as I nursed the baby "Want mom to hug me with both hands, put your breasts away."

Well, the joke was on me, because the two boys (7 & 9 now) are so close sometimes I have to tell them "When we get over to Billy's house, remember to play with the other kids and not just each other." Those painful feelings will fade in time, it's just part of the transition - as someone? said "The only way out is through."

Beautifully written. Your post made me both terrified and excited to have another. And it made me cry. Sooo very happy for you and all your success!

No kids here, but I cried for the little girl that was me when my own sister was brought home over thirty-seven years ago.

I know you'll do a better job than my own (admittedly clumsy) parents did. I *still* resent the hell out of her.

Heather, we have a very similar situation going down at our house. Our 5 year old son just became a big brother in April. When I held him in my lap for the first time in at least 6 months, he felt huge! His hands were so much bigger than I swear they were the day before his sister was born! And his whole body just seemed so grown up, it kind of felt like someone hit the fastforward button and I missed about a year of his life even though I was with him. As for the guilt, I cried the first night home, and the second-fifth too. I was feeling like he would never be the same and that we had abandoned him some how. It's been two months and I can't believe how much he has changed. He's found a new sense of independence because we've asked and let him do more for himself. And he is so proud to be a big brother, very protective and helpful. But most wonderful of all is the time that he and I spend together, just the two of us, knowing how special it is when the baby is with daddy or grammy and that the world can still revolve around him every once in a while :)

First off, that is one beautiful baby. Congrats! Love the name! And hang in there. Easier said than done, but you're going to be okay. And if not, there's drugs, and you'll get them quicker than last time! But seriously, it is going to be fine. We're all rooting for you and have so enjoyed the ride. CONGRATS

Wow. I'm so thrilled I'm not one of SB's children. In times of insecurity and adjustment, my mom always had compassion and kind words. My emotions weren't treated as unacceptable.

It sounds as if SB's kids are treated as farm animals who are basically shoved aside when there's a new mouth to feed. Nice.

I know it's hard. Many big hugs to you all and especially Leta.

I'm sure it has been said since I didn't read all 788 comments. But, there is nothing better you could give her. A short term adjustment to a life long friendship. When you and Jon are dead and gone, Leta and Marlo will have each other.

I get it. Totally, completely, and in my gut. I haven't felt that feeling in 15 years but it comes rushing back like it was 5 minutes ago.

Thank you.

So, since you clearly have time to scroll through 800+ responses, I figured that I'd weigh in. It is the most normal reaction in the parenting world to apologize to your first for introducing your second. It's also a great gift, even if neither of them ever admit it. Congratulations!

Yes, finding the balance is difficult but worth it all. One little trick: I would lie in bed cuddling with both my girls (4 years apart). While making eye contact and talking with the little one, I would be telling her all the wonderful things she would need to know about her big sister.... "did you know your big sister painted a beautiful picture yesterday, so carefully and with gorgeous blue flowers and she can sing all the words to...". One girl would be gurgling and the other glowing.
Congrats Heather!

I am finding that your reaction is completely normal. I went through everything you wrote about when I brought my second born home ten months ago. Why don't people tell you about the kind of irrational, crazy guilt you will feel for completely altering your first born's cocooned little life? All I can say is evrything will develop in it's time and your baby daughter will be the best gift you will ever give Leta. *Now I'm just waiting for the "I feel like I haven't even had the time to get to know this little girl like I was able to do with Leta.... yeah, that one's a difficult one to get through as well!* Congratulatons to you all!

Thank you so much for sharing this.
I had the same feelings right before giving birth. I would lie in bed with my 2 year old after she had gone to sleep and worry about what I was about to do to her. I felt so sad that she wouldn't be the baby anymore. Since then (She is now turning 4 and the baby is 15 months old) things have flown by. After giving birth to the new baby, Willow, I was pretty much stuck in bed with her for 4 weeks. I have health problems that were aggravated by the pregnancy, and the baby had reflux which caused her to nurse 18 times a day for a few weeks. I didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until she was 8 weeks old. I was so out of my mind with sleep deprivation and illness, I didn't have anything left for poor Claire. She had to stay with family for 2 weeks, and we had friends come to the house for another 2 weeks. When she returned she was huge, too, and smelled so grown up. At one point, she said to me, "When are you ever going to come out of bed, Mommy?" She amazingly held it together until I was healthy and truly mobile (4 months). Then she started getting very clingy and wanting to be fed. She was also very angry with me, but never with the baby. For some reason, my head didn't clear enough to think of taking her out alone until Willow was 6 months old. Willow kept her reflux until 7 months of age, only napped in half hour sessions at the time, and wouldn't let anyone hold her but me. So I thought that taking Claire out for 15 minutes would just make her frustrated that she couldn't do anything like we used to do. I was so wrong. I took her down the street to Dunkin Donuts. We shared a bagel and ice cream and went right back home. I was in tears because the change in her from that few minutes of undivided attention was so huge and lasted for days. It was so beautiful to see my big girl's eyes light up again. I felt like the worst mother because I hadn't done it sooner, but so relieved that I could still really be with her and feel just like I used to with her. She loves her sister so much now, and calls her her little cutie pie Willow. For us, it took 7 months to feel like we couldn't imagine or remember life without Willow, but it happened, and it is so amazing now. They make each other laugh all day long, and Claire gets her alone time with me every week, even if it's just grocery shopping.
You have such a beautiful family! Thank you again for sharing this part of your experience. It's all so worth it.

When my second son was born, 5.5 years after my first, the oldest came to visit me in the hospital with a gift for his new brother. I did everything I was "supposed to do", ie: the new brother was in the isolette, I was not holding him, I was so happy to see my older son. He walked in the room and said, "well, I guess you don't need ME anymore". Talk about tears!! I'm happy to say we all survived. Leta will too!

My parents often recount this story...
I was four years old and had gone to the hospital to visit my new born sister. There I told my father that I would let my sister come home only if nobody loves her more than me!

Now, 22 years later and scores of fights and bickering and arguments, my sister and I share a beautiful bond. Hope its the same for Leta and Marlo.

Your story brought tears to my eyes, because although I'm not yet a mother, I know what it's like to be the oldest of two sisters with a 5 year age gap, and when I finally have kids I know I'll have moments where I feel exactly the way you do right now.

For me, being the oldest hasn't always been easy... in fact, the arrival of my sister when I was 5 years completely changed my relationship with my parents and subsequently led to all sorts of problems for me that I never quite adjusted to.

Having said that, I think the fact that you are obviously aware of how Leta will feel about Marlo and her place in the family shows that you're not going let her suffer as I did.

The main thing my mother did wrong was fail to spend enough quality time with me alone. If we'd spent more time together, having fun and going out places, just the two of us, I might have believed her when she tried to tell me she cared about me as much as my sister.

I know exactly the feeling. This post made me cry, in a good way.

Went through the EXACT SAME THINGS. And now I sit here, watching my 5 year old and my 2 year old, totally wrapped up in one another, playing some complex game about princesses and spider man... And they both have enormous hands and they both tear my heart out. CONGRATULATIONS on the new addition - !!!

Awww, I know the feeling. I totally lost my shit when my son came into the hospital room after my daughter was born and held her for the first time. Uncontrollable hormone-induced sobbing.

Then when we got home, the first time I put him to bed I sat on the edge of it and bawled. "He's so big!" I kept saying to my totally bewildered husband.

Congratulations on your new family of four.

Two children has always been a vague possibility in our household. I can't tell if this moves me more towards wanting to treasure just one, or having another and the heartbreakingly powerful moments that come along with it.

Probably irrelevant anyway. I think I'm going to be purchasing a Tickle-Me-Post-Apocalyptic-Space-Elmo by the time we settle on the decision to have our first.

Also, whoever you are SB........LIGHTEN UP.

Geez.

Not everything is so contrived.

I was amazed at how big my 4 year old was after just a few hours with my newborn. It's shocking. My baby is 8 months old, and I still have residual guilt of changing the life of my first born. However, he loves his little sister so much. In the end, I realize it is a good change.

So, Did you have ice cream for breakfast?

Absolutely fantastic post, Heather!!! This is the kind of raw honesty that made me your fan in 2003.

It's nice to see that you are back, girl!!!

You beautifully captured my exact feelings of betrayal I had regarding my first born when we brought his little brother home. Irrational, but real feelings that I had disrupted his world and divided my attention. Now they are 10 and 13 and the swiftness of the passing days makes my heart ache and I want to slow it all down and go back to those awful newborn blurry days of exhaustion.
May God bless you as you navigate the newness of being a family of four.

I went through this when my second was born almost six months ago.My first born was only eighteen months at the time and I felt like I'd ripped her childhood away from her. Sometimes, I'm dramatic. :) Anyway, it was incredibly hard and I cried a lot, but it gets better. It really, really does. Congrats to all of you!

Congratulations. Welcome to your little girl.

thanks for making me cry.

rpm

thank you for putting feelings into words that are so hard to express. my 2nd was born just two weeks before yours and my 1st is only 27 months...that was beautiful.

I just had this SAME moment and these SAME thoughts a mere 5 months ago. I felt as if I was reading my own journal reading your post. I have a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old and I wept uncontrollably over ruining her life too. I too was completely not prepared to feel that way - never entered my mind. It gets better. It's all so very bittersweet though.

Okay, I can't help myself. Already left one comment to this heart-warming post but am coming back as commenter number 831 to say:

"We want birth story! We want birth story!"

I know you have, um, a newborn at home to deal with, but if you're willing to share, I'm just dying to hear how it all went! (Perhaps this is b/c I'm due in 7 weeks....)

You should know that the last sentence of paragraph four made me shoot snot out of my nose, onto my keyboard.

Yes, it's just like that isn't it... I'm to the point now that I feel like I've missed out so much on our second born's first year because I was trying so hard to compensate for wrecking the first born's life... ahh the balance.

This post brought back for me exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with my second child ... she was a very much wanted and planned for pregnancy, yet suddenly when I was about 15 weeks pregnant, I was struck by the feeling that having another baby was such an awful thing to do to my first-born. I cried and cried, thinking about how I could never love another baby as much as my son, and wondered why I'd thought having another baby was a good idea, and would my son ever survive having a younger sister. It was awful.

In other words, I think what you are experiencing now is very normal.

And as with most things, this too shall pass. Soon (and sooner than you think), you'll all wonder how you ever lived without Marlo in your lives, and it will be as if she's always been there -- for you, Jon and Leta. (I make no promises, however, about the dogs; ours still resents us for having one child, let alone two.)

I felt the same way when we brought our second cat home.

Oh my - TEARS! We just recently had our second child also, and I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. It's like you took thoughts from my brain and put them into your blog! My son has now become very fond of his little sis (now 5 months old) and I can see the bond already. I wasn't sure a first, but he LOVES her. He tells us this all the time.
I also had the "huge first child" syndrome. How did he get so big? I was only in the hospital 5 days???!!! It took a while to get used to, especially changing his diaper (what are these huge diapers all about?)
Soooo happy for your nice little family of four!

I just had a baby three months ago and when I saw my three-year-old for the first time after the baby's birth I too thought he was enormous. Especially his hands. It's like he tripled in size overnight.

I felt this way when I brought home our 2nd cat. I can't imagine how it feels with a human being. There are still times with my pets that I apologize to the older one for subjecting him to the wild younger one, but all in all, it's been a great thing for everyone involved. I hope that if I ever have two children, it is similar.

I am due sometime in the next 4 weeks with twins (my first kids) and I swear to you, I feel the same way about my cat. I hug her and cry about the fact that I'm ruining her life. You are not alone.

That is a very sweet story - actually brought tears to my eyes. My brother and I are six years apart, so when he was born I think I took it very well.

When we adopted our first daughter I was over the moon. Within a week I wanted a second child. Why? So my daughter would have a sibling. I never had hormone issues cuz I never gave birth and oh my god they drive me crazy with the fighting sometimes (and they are only 1 and 2) but I would have it no other way. Nothing better than a sister. Trust me, I have four. Congrats!

Maybe it's my pregnancy hormones, but the TEARS are pouring, no shooting out of my eyeballs right now. About a week into this pregnancy I started feeling guilty about all the changes it would cause our barely two year old little boy. Somehow I managed to not let it force me to tears on a daily basis, because the rational side of me says that it will be good for him to have a baby brother to learn to share with and to love on. But deep down I worry how it will affect him. 3 more months and I'll be posting all my sad little stories too. Good luck to your family. And as always, thanks for keeping it real!

I felt like that too after our 2nd baby's arrival. That and I was kind of jealous that our oldest daughter clung to my husband more while I was designated to take care of the new baby that cried and needed to be nursed every two hours.With time everything fell back into place and there was more balance, but there was a lot of days where I cried. The other day my two year old was playing "footsie" with our 7 month old, and I burst into tears. Not the same desperate tears, but because I was so happy that they were playing together. They are clearly both happy to have each other, and we've moved past the feelings of neglect onto feelings of family and togetherness. It'll get better ^_^, hang in there.

To the person, at 526, who said that most only children are self-involved? Guess what. Your sister might just be a shitty parent. Kids aren't made little sucking black-holes of need and self-absorption... they are created, by mommies and daddies who have no idea how to deal with the challenge that a young person presents. Leta is a lovely only child, strong and smart... and she will be a lovely sibling too. Those of us who had no siblings, but were taught by our parents to look outside ourselves and learn from the rest of the world (because we had no biting, swearing, laughing and sharing sibs), have still turned out fine(albeit a bit testy sometimes, when amongst those who are unnecessarily biased). People who judge only children are super lame. Breeder.