Oh the guilt. The goddamn, heart wrenching, tear inducing, paralyzing guilt. And for me, that was coupled with complete and utter irritation with my first born and his unwillingness to be patient while I engaged in marathon nursing sessions with the baby. And then even more guilt for feeling annoyed. The first couple of months with two is tough. And then suddenly you find your way again and it all becomes "normal" once more. And later still, there will be moments in time when you witness the purest, strongest connection between them. And you are reminded again, and again and again why you did it! And then they fight!

I SO remember my daughter visiting us in the hospital when her sister was born. I picked her up and I all I could think was "my GOODNESS, have your arms and legs ALWAYS been this long?!?!" I was completely bewildered how I could still pick her up what with her being so enormously looooooooong (she was 3.5 years old at the time).
And the heartbreak- I felt that too. Our eldest was our treasured gift, we considered for awhile the possibility of her being our only child. But there was room in our family. Not the kind of where you all skooch over to make room begrudgingly, but more of a space. A space for this bright little electric personality we didn't know until we had our second daughter.
Have two girls is amazing. And as Marlo develops some od her own personality and begins to relate you'll see that friendship Leta had been waiting for.
Plus, once she can start bossing her around it all becomes worth it ;)
Good luck! I am a new-ish reader to your blog and really enjoy it.

That was beautiful. I'm just going to keep telling myself that your reasons for crying are exactly why my parents chose not to bestow upon me the gift of siblings. Because they didn't want to betray me. Not because they wanted me to be a lonely, socially awkward little girl. I can't wait to have my family of four.

I cannot begin to imagine the emotions that course through you as you make the transition from three to four, so just keep in mind that although it's difficult now, Leta will come around before you know it. Sisters aren't like friends and cousins and distant acquaintances. They're forever. Leta will be unbelievably grateful for Marlo as they grow up and then grow older together =)

In the meantime, I hope that you have more sweet moments and less heartbreaking moments in your future. Good luck!

Oh my goodness...I was crying by the end of today's post! Congrats, blessings and prayers for your family from ours!

Blast it Heather... I am getting kids ready for school and my make-up is ruined. (OK I'm not really wearing make-up yet but if I WAS...) That was achingly lovely. It's OK. They adjust. The love stretches. They just need to see that in action.
Hugs to your sweet family of FOUR!
:-)
BB

I, too, mourned the passing of one on one time with my first born. And yes, even felt guilty that I was about to set off a nuclear bomb in her world. But before you know it, Marlo will be Leta's biggest fan, even her shadow. She will worship the ground Leta walks on. So instead, try to comfort yourself with the fact that you've just brought the future President of the I-Love-Leta Club into this world. In all seriousness, Leta will be a wonderful help to you the first year. And she will be just as thrilled with the babies milestones as you and Jon. It does get interesting once the baby is mobile though. The messing with big sister's stuff phase is unfortunately ongoing. You'll do great Heather! And we out here are cheering you on!!

I almost cried!

This is the most honest, sweetest thing I have read on siblings. I haven't had a sister until I turned 21: always wanted one, longed for that special relationship only a sibling can provide. That will get Leta over the heartache of bringing another child into the family. But first she will be mad, maybe a little jealous and will try to poke Marlo with a stick :)

So how is Chuck doing? And Coco?

I'm 5 weeks behind you with child #2...and reading this made me tear up... I'm having those thoughts too!!

Leta is just so touching. She expresses herself without holding back. That's so refreshing, and after a while they start holding back. I love that this age is so honest.

My 4 year old has good days and hard ones, and I think it's the hard ones that teach me the most.

Congrats again on your beautiful family!

I was convinced my second child was out to get me since she actually cried AT me. (perhaps I am as insightful as your 5 year old) Luckily her older brother had a kind compassionate way of poking her and asking questions and attempting to play with the crying newborn. I felt so bad for bringing this loud little energy into the house when he was so sweet and calm but truthfully, now that they are a little bit older it is wonderful. They play together, keep each other busy, and truly love each other. After all of the weeping over what we had done was over I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have never seen two children more close., I had never actually spoken to anyone much about this but I guess its protocol from what I'm reading. phew. Good luck.

There's nothing more satisfying than chocolate ice cream for breakfast. Really.

Long time reader/first time commentor - That was beautiful. Siblings are a joy and a curse and I know that Leta will be the better for it. Marlo is a lucky girl.

Beautiful story, wonderful moment, thank you for sharing.

Brilliant writing. Just brilliant!

You handled this all beautifully. Mine are 21 months apart, but I will never forget "the look" my first daughter blessed upon her sister. And I have the photos to proove this "look" occured. Change sucks and is hard. You handled it well. Leta will deal and soon the tattling will begin and the scramble for toys and then the secret conversations and the holding hands and hugging. The sister things that will melt your heart and make you proud...well, probably not the tattling...

My girls are five years apart in age, and as they grow older, you'll find that this is a wonderful age difference. Even at 12 and 7 (soon to be *gasp* 13 and 8!), watching them interact, especially when it is just the two of them, is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

Congratulations on a beautiful growing family Heather! You capture the gut wrenching moments so perfectly. But I envy you still anticipating the first completely heart melting moments too -- when you see the two of them running around holding hands, making the get well cards for each other, making up songs and plays, you name it. My two girls are absolute best friends and I can't imagine anything we've done better for either of them than to give them each other. But welcome to the roller coaster ride!

BTW, I totally second Sasha's comments about erring on the side of giving your firstborn some extra attention. The baby will pretty much as a given grow up thinking that Leta is the coolest thing ever, but early on there's a big difference with the firstborn whether they see the new baby as that thing that's taking away all of Mommy and Daddy's attention vs. that sorta cool little bundle that Mommy and Daddy have to tend to its needs every once in a while. Marlo will get much more benefit from having a big sister who's really into her because she doesn't feel threatened any more, than getting the same kind of slavish over-attention most of us gave to our firstborns!

We have three girls all very close together- the oldest just turned four and my baby is 17 months. I remember changing my big girl's diaper after returning from the hospital with baby 2 and thinking"This kid is HUGE!"

The transition from having all mom's attention to sharing her attention is difficult for little people, but our big girl liked that she got to go on special outings with Daddy because the baby was too small and would be staying home to nap with Mommy.

Your Leta is going to be a wonderful, caring big sister. She's also going to milk this for all it's worth. Atta girl!

Awww...don't cry. It will get better! Hugs ♥

omg, that's one of the cutest things I've read.

Oh, Heather. What a beautiful post -- honest, painful, reverent -- and what a good mother you are to your two lovely girls. They'll not need to worry about your love, ever; there is no better gift.

SB,

Sure, we all have different parenting styles! You describe your own as impatient, and you certainly seem overwhelmed. But being impatient and overwhelmed doesn't mean that a child is manipulative, fragile, or selfish. A new sibling is a huge life change for a child. How lucky for Leta that she can put "please love me" into words and that her parents have the patience and open hearts to respond.

i have been waiting desperately for a new post.....and you made my cry into my pasta...dang pregnancy hormones.

My sister is my absolute best friend in the entire world. Not saying Leta and Marlo will turn out that way, necessarily, but just wanted to say that it's a (happy) possibility.

Congrats!

I am currently pregnant with our second child - our first will only be 14 months old in October with baby #2 arrives. Even though I am TERRIFIED to have two under two, I am somewhat relieved that our older child will never really "remember" what it was like to be an only child. I feel guilty enough having a second one as it is!

My daughter's pediatrician couldn't have been happier when I told her we were expecting again - she said "you are giving her the BEST gift you could give your child...a sibling, a forever friend". I almost hugged her and cried right there.

When I brought Veronica home for the first time after she was born, I couldn't believe how grotesque I found our dog - it was too big, too ugly, and I couldn't believe how hard-hearted I had become toward him! It's not exactly like you finding Leta to be a GIANT, but it is similar b/c he had always been "my baby boy". I kind of worried that I wouldn't ever treat him well again, but... it passed. He's my baby boy again! I'm sure if he had been an older child instead of a dog, I would just have found him ungainly. After having those first five intense days with a newborn, it's unsettling to find that your other baby really is a big boy/girl now.

Anyway. I blame hormones. It will certainly pass.

Awww. I'm sitting here balling my eyes out.

I'm the older sister. I was almost 4.5 when my brother was born. I do remember feeling the same way as Leta, but it does get better. My brother and I were the best of friends (and, at time, horrible enemies) growing up. We're close now.

Just don't tell Leta that Marlo is going to play with her now. My mother made the mistake of telling me that when my brother was born, he'd be all ready to play with me. I was really upset and declared that he was "useless" because all he did was "eat, poop, and sleep." People still laugh about that one.

Oh, poor lamb. My daughter was 26 months old when I had our son. She kept saying she wanted to go home. What she really meant was that she wanted to go to a home with out a baby. After six months she forgot a life before her brother and we achieved a new normal. Once the baby is older and more interactive - adoring the ground Leta walks on - life will be easier.

I hardly comment around here but trust me, Leta is extremely lucky. I was an only child for a very long time until my younger sister came along. I INSISTED she be taken back, immediately. I grew jealous of all the attention she was given. But as time went by, we became very close. We quarrel--like most sisters do--but quickly make up. "I can't stay mad at you," is what we often say. She is my best friend.

Leta and Marlo will have each other, always.

way to make me cry and she isnt even my kid. tks

by the way - you are a great mom.

Wow, I am constantly amazed at how you can put your feelings into words. I remember feeling the same way when we brought our 2nd home. Like everyone else is saying, it takes a short time for them to adjust and then you will not remember the days that have passed.

Ok, everyone has different emotions, but, I don't understand why on earth you would feel guilty. It is your right to expand your family, Leta has a sister now and you do not have to apologize for that. It's not up to our children to dictate how many more we will have, that's just wrong! I have raised four and I never felt guilty for bringing home the new baby, it's called life, they deal with it, and everyone adjusted just fine. You appear to be a really good mom, and Jon a good dad, but I think you guys made a huge mistake by leaving Leta out of the first week of Marlo's life! She should have been home and made a part of those very important first few days.

Ok, everyone has different emotions, but, I don't understand why on earth you would feel guilty. It is your right to expand your family, Leta has a sister now and you do not have to apologize for that. It's not up to our children to dictate how many more we will have, that's just wrong! I have raised four and I never felt guilty for bringing home the new baby, it's called life, they deal with it, and everyone adjusted just fine. You appear to be a really good mom, and Jon a good dad, but I think you guys made a huge mistake by leaving Leta out of the first week of Marlo's life! She should have been home and made a part of those very important first few days.

I am more grateful for the siblings my parents gave me than for anything else in the world. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and I can't imagine not having my siblings around. I'm sure it's tough right now, but things will adjust. Remember, Marlo has only been in the world for about a week or so now.

While I don't have my own children, this is completely understandable and beautifully written. Go back and read your post about giving Leta the gift of a sibling. You're certainly not abandoning her, but giving her a wonderful gift. My sister is my best friend, and Marlo and Leta will someday have that friendship - though it may not seem like it right now, or even in 5 years.

As the youngest, I used to tell my sister that my parents weren't satisfied with her so they had me. Her argument in return was that they thought she was so wonderful, they had to have another baby. I believe her side more, and know that this was much of your reasoning to have Marlo. Don't be afraid to share all those things with Leta - and hold the cuddles a little longer than usual.

And chocolate ice cream for breakfast sounds like a wonderful answer when the emotional side of it all just seems like too much to explain.

Congratulations, and best of luck!

i have spent all my LIFE wishing i had a brother/sister! being an only child isn't half as hot as it's made out to be, really...as am sure leta will discover soon enough :)

As an older sister to two younger sisters (7 and 8 years younger) I have to say this. You are NOT taking anything away from her. You have given her (what was in my world) the greatest gift ever. A sister to share with, fight with, cry with, grow with, dream with. My sisters are who I turn to for counsel, support and encouragement. Sure the first few years may have been hard (my sisters were born 13 months apart) but what a lot of learning about myself. How to be compassionate and see my mom in a new, better light. To see myself as a active part of the family (I was the baby entertainer during shopping trips and while mom was making dinner) Now that we are grown up I thank God that I have my two girls. Sure we can fight like three psych-os but we are a team and nothing can come at us that we cant face together. Not my moms cancer, not crappy boy friends, not mental illness, not bankruptcy, not marriage problems, sick kids, death in our family, we have been through it all and everything is more manageable and less awful with a sister. You sisters are a part of your past, a chunk of your present and future. There is no other relationship that can claim that.So instead of greiving for what you feel you have taken away, celebrate what you have give Leta.

that is soooo sweet!
Our cat seemed gigantic when we brought our yorkie puppy home. so I know what you mean about the size thing.
it's just shocking.
I love all your baby photos too-she really does look like your dad.

307: Not all of us "pretend" to like being a SAHM. I stayed home with my four (now grown) children and it was very, very hard work, but I loved it, and my kids were certainly better for it. How unfair of you to be so presumptuous! If you don't want to commit the time to them, maybe you should stop having children.

Very moving blog. My husband and I are at the critical point in deciding, "Do we try to give our five year old a sibling". Until now, I didn't realize that the very emotion you are feeling is part of my holdout. One thing I do have to say is how wonderful it is that Leta feels completely free to verbalize such a sophisticated question as "do you love me". Many of us don't figure out we even had that question until much later in our lives.

I'll never forget those tender words from my first born, Sarah, that brought me to tears one early Saturday morning.

Never forget.

She came to the edge of the bed, poked me in the nose, and when I opened one eye she said:

"You don't have to get up, Daddy, I can get breakfast for me and Claire."

Brings a tear to me eye to this day, it does.

382:

307 didn't say that YOU pretend to like being a SAHM. She said that about the women who surround her. It may or may not be true, but I'll bet she knows her own friends a bit more than you do.

Speaking of presumptuous, is it really your job to tell anyone that they should stop having children?

Leta just got someone to laugh, cry and commiserate with when they think you and Jon are INSANE. What could be better than having one person in the world who truly understands how crazy your parents are?

Hang in there. One day you will watch the two of them playing princesses together as you drink a glass of wine.

Okay, we have a 4 1/2 year old and now after reading this (and all these comments) I am starting to reconsider the thoughts we've been having of adding another child to the family. I love our dynamic so much as it is...what if I mess it up? This has got me seriously freaked.

When your second child is born, it is both shocking and amazing to know your heart can hold so much love. I remember thinking I couldn't love my 2nd child as much as the 1st, but lo and behold, I did, and the two of them together almost broke my heart, it was so full. When the third one came, I thought I'd die of love. If I ever had a fourth, I'm sure I'd have to be committed. For so many reasons.

I just want to give you ALL a great big hug! This entry moved me to tears. Because although I don't have any children yet, I always imagined I would feel the exact same way if I had two (if that makes any sense at all), about feeling guilty as if you'd abandoned the first born, etc. Change of any kind is just plain hard. But as with all things, it will get easier. Love you guys!

(and I bet that was the BEST chocolate ice cream you've ever had!)

I'm sure others have already commented this, but just remember when times get tough with Leta that you just gave birth to the best present you could ever give her. You feel like you've taken something away from her now, but in the end you have given her a best friend. These feelings won't last. Soon, you'll start feeling sorry for Marlo because you can't give her the same attention you gave Leta, etc. It's mommy guilt that never goes away.

One thing I did when I brought our second one home was that I made a huge deal that the baby was my son's baby, not mine. I always referred to her as his baby...could you get your baby a diaper, etc. I don't know if it helped, but it helped me to say that.

good luck. you're doing awesome so far.

Beth

Dude, I don't even have kids, and I'm totally crying. Siblings are an amazing gift, even though Leta may not recognize it now. How lucky you are to have an amazing daughter. I just wanna hug her!

By comparison, I was CONVINCED of the certain betrayal and permanent emotional damage that the arrival of our second-born would cause our first during the entire pregnancy, but it was all promptly forgotten when she arrived. Whether you think about it before or after, I suspect that either way, everyone adjusts and it all works out. At least we consider the feelings of our children; my mother swears no one even thought of these things thirty years ago.

One of the hardest things for me, someone who rarely cries, about being pregnant is the endless weeping. Like what I'm doing right now after reading that. My goodness; how is it so easy for kids to rip out our hearts? Unbearably precious.

Oh dear, the hormones.

This too shall pass...

Follow-up:

it warrants chocolate ice-cream for breakfast for everyone for a week. at least.

Love grows, kids are like fertilizer for the heart- it flourishes and gets bigger.

All I remember about my sister's birth is that I got a handmade doll, the adults were excited about something though! I'm not sure I paid her much attention for a while (almost a year) except I do remember when her nap time was over.

This makes me so weepy! Heather I went through it just one year ago, it took some time but we found a great balance and everyone just settled in (ppd and all).
You are a fabulous mom!

After reading Sash's comment about SB's comment, I of course had to check it out. Holy crapola! SB, I think Leta's reaction is relatively normal for a 5 YEAR OLD CHILD! She's been the only child for 5 years and now there is a new baby in town. I am currently expecting (aug 19th) and I have a 6 1/2 yr old who is already becoming a little emotional about having to share mommy and daddy with a new baby. As she says, "people always like little things more". Of course we have reassured her that this will not be the case in our family. They just want to know that you're still going to love them just the same.

Heather: I have a feeling I am going to be in that same boat soon, and I know you and your husband will do an excellent job at letting Leta and Marlo know that you love them to no end. Congratulations on your family of 4!

I know exactly how you feel!
You just have to tell yourself, that while it's tough on you and Leta right now, you've given her the best thing in the world: a sister. Siblings can be and do so much more than parents will ever be able to do....Right now Leta has been used to the full attention from two grown ups - but when things turn wrong she's also alone against two grown ups correcting her.
NOw she has to share the attention (which in time is a good thing to be able to) but you have given her an important friend on her side to stand up against the "unfairness" from the grown ups;o)....well in time of course;o)
.....oh and you are so lucky that she knows what she feels. I've always had to guess that kind of feelings in my children.

This is the thing that I kept wondering why no one told me. Why did I not know that it would feel like I was breaking up with my older son. I asked my mom, (I'm the oldest) and all she said was: "I know". And I felt my mom's heartbreak for the first time, after years of assuming she would always be there for my sister first, because she is needier than I in some ways (not just age). I've read the comments here, because I've hoped to find some solace in them from others. I must admit, the 'it will get better' feels a bit empty to me. I still miss my older son like crazy. I have to find swathes of time to spend with him, both alone AND with the baby. When the baby was very young (he is now 14 months) I read the Moomin Valley books to the older boy while I breastfed the wee one. It was lovely and close and helped my heart (and I think his) a great deal. But I will not lie, I cried so much for the loss of what that relationship was, and I still do cry about it sometimes. And while I love my younger son like crazy, I can also admit that having him has made me realize that having one child WAS enough, that we didn't HAVE to have another--but that it is a different kind of a good life to have. A good life of a different kind, not a better life. I find this reassuring, though to some it might sound odd. Thank you for your honesty, here. A hugely heartfelt thanks.

This is a beautiful story. I love that little Leta is able to articulate her emotions so clearly. I think that's the good thing about the age gap between your daughters. Although Leta has to adjust to her new sister, I think she's at a great age for processing that.

My sister is exactly 5 years older than I am and we have a strong, powerful bond. I wish the same thing for your two girls.

Congrats again!

I often wonder if you still read when the comments hit the 400+ mark. We just went through a similar situation this past October. Our 2nd daughter was born when our first was exactly 4 yrs and 2 weeks old.

I went back and forth for awhile debating whether starting all over with a baby would be worth it and how in the world would our 4 yr old adjust to having a SAHM all to herself for the last 4 yrs and then having to share her day with a baby.

My first pregnancy was very easy and it hit me like a nuclear bomb the second time. I was sick for 9 months and feeling incredibly guilty about not giving my first born enough of me. Fast forward to the night I went into labor, 10 days before my planned c-section. It was 11:15pm, we had to wake our sleepy girl, who cried that she didn't want to get up, then wait in the hospital waiting room with my brother until my parents could make the 1hr 1/2 drive to get there. From there the poor child did not get to see me, Daddy or baby sister until 4am.

This was all made worse by the fact that she normally jumped at the chance to spend time (without mommy & daddy) at Nana & Ba's house, but did not want to leave me. Heart-wrenching phone calls during my hospital stay of her crying how much she missed me.

Once we were all back home together the guilt consumed me much in the way you wrote about. Crying because I knew I had irreversibly disrupted her world. Praying we had made the right decision.

Well 7 months later we have our good days and our bad days. Days she loves her baby sister and days she swears she will never talk to her again. She always protests if someone suggests we should "send her back", but that does not take the annoyance she feels toward the little alien invader away at times.

This may mean nothing or make no difference to you but it was nice hear someone articulate so accurately the emotions I felt just months ago as our family of 3 transitioned to a family of 4.

tears falling down my face as I read this. what a moment, wow.

My little sister is one of my very best friends, but I still totally hate when she cries at me.

omg, i am at work... don't make me cry! i only have one right now, but my parents and husband and everyone else are ready for another. i totally understand what you mean by feeling like you're betraying the first one. looking forward to see how it all pans out. i'm sure leta will be grateful for a sibling soon enough.

Ugggh! The tears, the holding back of the sobbing.... my partner asked what was wrong... I said "that bitch, Heather." Kidding of course, but you've left me in a puddle of tears many times with your precisely described details of feelings.

I am the oldest of two. I too had a bit of a time adjusting to a new one onboard- though my parent's weren't as emotionally available and conscious (yes, I meant to use that word) as you. Nonetheless, I can relate to how Leta must be feeling at times, but with Jon and you as parents these feelings will soon fade away.

My sister and I are going through a very rough patch right now. One that probably not be mended... it may've hit me harder at this time, I don't know....

But I DO know.... you and Jon are awesome and your kids my scoff, argue, roll their eyes, and mumble under their breath at you throughout their childhood and teen years, but one thing for certain, they will always know how much they are loved and will secretly admit..... Mom and Dad ROCK!

sweetest story. thank you.

Our daughter is 2.5 and this is the exact reason I don't want another child. My husband does, but I don't think I have the heart to turn June's life upside-down like that. My husband says she'll be so much happier with a sibling, even if the first few months are hard, but I don't know. I don't think I have enough in me to love 2 people so fiercely. It's exhausting.

I love this video for explaining how the big sister or brother feels when the new baby comes home. Wish I saw it when I brought home my second!

http://www.pampers.co.uk/en_GB/video/babyseyes.jsp

Don't you just love it when you try to express an emotion and tell a story, and everyone thinks you need advice.

They're your kids, you'll know what they need. And, you'll know if you're fucking it up...because they'll all but say, "Mom, you're fucking this up."

Welcome to motherhood, Heather. Now that you have two you'll experience a new depth...let the games begin!!!

Considering the fact that, from the very moment my sister was born I was the Back Seat First Child, Capable and Smart and Therefore Not in Any Need of My Parents' Love (tm), and that BSFC,CaSaTNiANoMPL Syndrome only got worse when my brother was added, I'd say so far so good in making sure that Leta realizes that she's still an integral part of the family, and not a cog that could be removed and the machine still run. God knows I would've liked to feel that a little more often in my childhood.

Actually, in my adulthood, too, because even now, almost twenty-three years since she came home from the hospital, I find myself certian that if both of us were drowning, not only would my mother first save my sister, but she'd probably just stand on the shore and tell me how disappointed she was that I didn't do more to save myself.

I spent the first few weeks of my daughter's life see-sawing between incredible joy at this second new life in our family, and deep mourning for what was gone and could never be again. It gets better--better than better, actually. The family of four will mesh and become more than you could ever have imagined.

Hang in there.

Crying. She'll be okay. Ice cream for breakfast can't hurt though.

You'll work it out. Families do. Mine did. And by that I mean my parents worked it out so that I, the older sister, usually tolerated, and often even enjoyed the company of, younger sister. There is much photographic evidence of this.

We sort of re-discovered each other when we were both in college (different cities) and now are so close you can't imagine. Leta is so young that, when she's grown, she may not even remember what it was like not to have her sister in her life. And that's okay.

Actually, it's pretty neat. I can vouch for that.

Hang in there!! You'll work it out!

Heather,

I know this feeling so well and reading your post makes me feel guilty all over again. I added two little boys to my then 4 1/2 year old daughters life and things haven't been the same since. You know how much work one baby is, add in the second and the alone time that you had with that precious first child all but vanishes. It was a very difficult transition but she loves her brothers and almost 4 years later they do really good together most of the time. I used to make her come in and sit with me just so I could be close to her while I was taking care of the twins.

Hang in there. I also had PPD and I can not express the importance of SUNLIGHT!!! I know it seems so small, but it was truly my saving grace.

When my baby sister came home, I was a jealous wreck. Twenty six years later, she is my best friend in the world, almost like my other half. You just gave Leta the best present she will ever get!!

you just put into words EXACTLY how i felt upon seeing my son for the first time after my daughter was born.

Oh my goodness, it's the best gift you could ever give her!!! I'm the oldest of 4. My parents weren't able to have any children biologically after me, so instead they adopted. I don't remember any feelings at all of resentment in the slightest, just excitement about having a new baby brother and getting to be the big sister. I have 2 younger brothers and a sister, and I couldn't love them any more if I tried (they do try my patience sometimes and think that I am very uncool but the positives outweigh the negatives). I'm so glad my parents decided to have more children no matter what. Just wait...pretty soon I bet Leta will be wanting to help change, feed, bathe, and play with the baby and you won't be able to keep her away from her! Congratulations again, I'm so happy for you and your family and can't wait to hear more about baby Marlo!

Heather, your girls are so lucky to have you as a mom, so loving and empathic, open and honest, and most of all funny.

I felt guilt when I brought home my second, and like some of the other posters, I still miss the old relationship I had with my first daughter after 2 years. But, I see the girls together and I know I've given my first daughter a richer life by giving her a sister.

One thing I told my oldest, which helped both of us was "You taught me everything about babies. Before I had you, I didn't know anything at all." It's part of our family lore now, and we touch on it from time to time. "Yep. That's the way 2 year olds act. You know who taught me about all about 2 year olds?" And I tell her she's still teaching me about 5 year olds right now. It's not an easy job to have, I tell her, but it's one of the most important ones.

Whether or not these things are true for your relationship, telling Leta the things that are true for your family will resonate with her. And honesty is one of the things your best at!

Thanks so much for sharing.

Also, SB is an ass.

Oh how heartwrenching! Before I had my son I had thought that I would want a whole houseful of kids. Now that he's here I don't want to do anything but shower him with love and attention and I keep wondering, when the next one comes along how will I find the balance? This exactly the kind of scenario I pictured when I started thinking about what would happen if/when we have another child.

I always wanted a sister... Leta is very fortunate.

Peace and Blessings,
xo, Mango

My 4 1/2 year old daughter adored her sister in the beginning and adores her still 14 months later. However, she did have period of jealousy and it raises its ugly head again and again. It is very hard to give up the limelight to baby sister's new achievements and milestones. But, the LOVE between them! Oh, how she loves her sweet baby sister!

Welcome, Marlo Iris. Best wishes to all.

Oh, how I remember the guilty feelings when the second baby came home! I felt like I was an adultress, but not only was I philandering, but moving the guy in! Hey hubby! I loved you so much I got another one!

But at 10 and 5 now,it worked out beautifully. And ther is no one better to share an ice cream breakfast with than a sister.

Best wishes for a smooth transition to Family of Four Armstrongs!

Jeni

So sweet, Heather! I remember almost throwing my newborn baby over my shoulder and out the window the first time I tried to burp him. I was so used to lifting my (HUGE HEADED!) two year old. Hoping you're able to get some rest and stay healthy! Your girls are JUST GORGEOUS!

P.S. Is it weird that I'm having anxiety about the fact that Daddy Scratches hasn't posted yet? Did I miss it somewhere?

I just had my second son 3 months ago when my oldest was 19 months old. Needless to say, I felt some guilt that we were robbing my oldest of quality time and attention. Now that it has been a few months I am beginning to see how much more fun his childhood will be because he has a brother to be a part of his life.

Congratulations on the new baby, and on successfully navigating your first bout of sibling "rivalry" ... I have two daughters three years apart and the best trick I ever learned was to talk and coo to the new baby about her "sweet, wonderful sister ... and what do you think our lovely Leta will want for breakfast today? ... Chocolate ice cream?! Do you really think she would like that?! Should we ask her and see? ..." etc. ... "Leta, Marlo is wondering if you would like to have chocolate ice cream for breakfast?... How does she even know that you like chocolate ice cream for breakfast? Did you tell her? ..." Of course, this strategy stops working when they are teenagers.

Wowzers! I usually don't rummage through all the comments because there are so many, but as I was posting mine I read the one directed at SB from Sasha (I think?). So, being curious I found SB's comment. (Was she also @sasha and cmom?)

Well, anyway. Just because you won't "tolerate" the expression of those emotions does not mean that they aren't there. It seems a bit selfish, in my opinion, that you won't let your children express what they feel. As human beings we are prone to feelings of joy, sorrow, jealousy, selfishness, etc. The key to living is learning to deal with these emotions in a positive an HEALTHY way. Not by being forced to keep them locked inside. This coming from a person whose mother would not "tolerate" such displays of emotion and accused her daughter of being an overdramatic, attention-seeker. I can assure you, while you may not have to tolerate such displays of human emotion, it does not create a healthy and safe-feeling environment. I did as I was told and learned not to show my emotions for the sake of getting in trouble. I can't tell you how much trouble that has caused. Like you said, we all have different styles, but I, SB whole-heartedly believe you arevery very wrong.

Oh jeez. I remember that heartbreaking guilt so well when we brought home daughter number 2 two years ago. Our first daughter held it together pretty well for a few hours till she noticed that the baby wasn't actually sleeping in that pretty crib we'd set up together in the nursery, but in a little bassinet attached to our bed! That sent her over the edge and I'll never forget the look of sadness and betrayal on her tear-streaked face as she begged us to get the baby out of our room. I'm crying just thinking about it. But an older and wiser mother said the simplest thing to me "That's part of what being a family is" and she was right. I'm sure they'll be many, many more times that they will be thankful for having a sister than not - even if they don't realize it at the time.

What a feeling you just gave me! You describe with such accuracy the feelings I felt 9 and 7 years ago - the emotions I would give anything to feel again. Those life changing moments that prove how special and lovely this thing called life is. I remember all of the moments - the bizarre feeling that your older child grew - freakishly grew- in a matter of hours. I hope for you to cry and cry and cry - someday you will wish for those emotional crying times again... I do today - as my 11 year old is at camp for a week and my baby 7 year old is hugging me again now that school it out (in his re-found love for me) and even when my 9 year old tells me he only misses me when we are apart for "months" (which have never have been). Savor the enormous emotion - I am so happy for you.

I'm the oldest sister and my younger sister was born when I was 4. I'm barely old enough to remember a time without her, but the most memorable aspect of the transition probably hit around the time my sister was 3 or 4 and she got to crawl into my parents bed and sleep next to my mom while I was left to sleep on the outer corners.Ouch. But I never felt less loved, it was more that I didn't want to share my parents. And know I know that they love each one of us in different and unique ways, and I'm really glad that I have a sister today even though we are so different. No one else can understand you quite like a sister when you look at each other and think "Gosh mom and dad are crazy".

Aww.. you made ME cry!
sorry you feel like you've betrayed her .. I don't know what having a second feels like .. but.. I do know that you love Leta every bit as much as your second childt Ya .. probably hormones and lack of sleep or both. She will figure it all out, don't worry.
hang in there, I'm looking forward to watching your family come together .. what a fun ride!

When I was pregnant with my second child I cried and had doubts about the whole thing. I felt the same way that I was somehow replacing my daughter and that she wouldn't understand when I had to leave her to go to the hospital. My husband thought that I was so silly and kept reminding me that we were giving her a gift of a sibling and that she was going to have so much fun playing with him. She ended up being fine except for the fact that her potty training took a backslide since she wanted to wear a diaper and be changed just like the baby. (Your lucky that you are past that.) She loved the baby and wanted to help.

dooce/heather,

i just cried reading this post. my husband is giving me that "girl, you're crazy" look. so sweet.

This is only one in a stream of comments that will be saying much the same thing....but I feel compelled to comment anyway.

My daughter had just turned six when I had her brother. I felt the EXACT same way. I read your post, and said to myself...EXACTLY, YES, THIS.

It was so hard, and then one day it just wasn't anymore. It just...got better. Got easier. Got more "normal". My daughter is okay, my son is okay, and I am okay.

It will be okay...hugs, I know this part is so hard to get through. Hang in there.

as hard as it all is, there is nothing better than having a sister. no matter what life (childhood) is better with them. it's a huge present, but leta might not understand until she's a little older.

congratulations and thank you for being so honest.

My son was 21 months old when we brought home his sister... He didn't come anywhere near me for 2 weeks. He didn't act upset, just stayed away. Now he tells everybody in the grocery store that "That's MY baby" (he STILL calls her "Baby" 7 months later) and is a typical big brother telling her to hush and even helping change her diapers. She lights up when he comes in her line of vision. And I still cry every day with the hormones!!! I don't know if it gets better, but I'm praying that it will!

I have a 2 and 4 year old. the older one my daughter beats the heck out of her brother, he is a tough one and a smart guy because he picks up on everything she does. Even though they fight a lot when one is away from the other they miss each other. You will have fun. When they first met My daughter almost broke my son's neck. He didn't break he is a tough boy. But they love each other!

Good gracious you had me crying!!! Congrats on the new addition to your family and for being brave enough to share your life stories with us!

When I was pregnant with my second, someone sent me a link to an article called "I love you both unequally" and I didn't "get" it. Then he was born and I totally got it.

The article:
http://www.salon.com/june97/mothers/twokids970618.html

Congrats and know that you've given her a playmate for life ;)

omg dooce, you're making me cry.

I have been there before, and am about to be there once more again in a very different way (we're adopting a toddler- *huge* betrayal for our other three kids, no?). Your words are perfect- you describe it with that ache and tenderness that most of us second [third, fourth...] time moms feel. I'm also sure most of those moms will tell you that it passes so quickly. The hurt and frustration over Marlo will fade and they will be SISTERS- a force to be reckoned with- for the the rest of their life! So beautiful.

While pregnant with my second son, I was terribly worried that I would not be able to love him as much as the first. Fortunately, nature compensates for us, and your heart simply grows bigger.

It's not just the second baby, it's the next, too. Crazy, bottomless love. Who knew.

I can not imagine how hard it must be; balancing the oldest, the newest, and all the hormones. Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job of it all!

My daughter was only a year old when our son was born and although she handled the transition very well, I didn't. I felt the same way as you and every night for a good 2-3 weeks when putting her to bed, as I held her in the rocking chair, I would silently cry while whispering apologies and I love you's.

I will pass.

Please kept in mind, nothing is as bad as being an only child

She's taking her emotional cues from you all. Love is not divided between children, it's multiplied and shared. The postpartum period is rough but don't make it harder than necessary, either. If you think you're robbing her of something, then she will too. You're not robbing her of anything. You're giving her gifts greater than any of you are imagining.

I felt the very same way, although I couldn't have expressed myself so eloquently. It won't be long before you will start to see your new normal. Big hugs to you.

Heather,
I think that is, by far, the most beautiful, heartfelt (and still strikingly-dooce-funny) post I have ever read. Your candor is appreciated. Thank you.

I cried... And it's more than me celebrating my baby's first birthday today, but I'm sure that helped. ;)

when i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd the first thought that crossed my mine was how could i cheat on my first one like that. but now that they are 3 and 5 and ask every night to have sleep overs and can spend hours laughing and playing with each other i realize there was nothing better i could have done that to bring that 2nd baby home.

This made me smile. I already know what your post will say when she turns 20. My beautiful hardheaded princess is turning 20 this week and this post drew me back in a sweet flash.

thank you.

and blessings to all four (six actually) of you!

Isn't that crazy how the older sibling is suddenly ginormous? I bet even your dogs look a little bigger.

I agree with Sasha, err on the side of Leta for a while. You'll all figure it out in due time.

Just got your book from the library - you'll be pleased to know there are Dorito-looking fingerprints on page 35.

Your tears have sparked a million, I'd guess. I'll never forget the guilt before our second daughter was born and the weeks that followed her delivery. I felt selfish and foolish for moving so fast. Angry at upsetting the balance and then frustrated that i couldn't move past it. Then it all shifted and I saw the place I'd occupied, the place that I'd let no light in as I consumed our first daughter, being changed. I moved ever so slightly to the side and allowed room for a sister. They adore each other and (enter the maudlin) I know that after I die, she'll have someone else in the world. It isn't ever the same, but that doesn't make it less.

I've been moved to tears of laughter before by your blog, H, but never of emotional crying tears. Oops. This one broke my drought.

Beautifully captured. Thank you for giving me something to think about (yet again) - hubby and I have been doing the do we/don't we go for another discussions lately....

We had 3 boys in 3.5 years. I will never forget the day I brought home my second baby... I sat on the floor and wept uncontrolably because I couldn't move fast enough or pick up my sweet oldest son to put him to bed. I totally felt, at the time, like I betrayed him byt taking myself from him and forcing him against his will to share his life. However.... my boys are now 12, 10, and 9 and I know now that I gave them an irreplacable gift!

My sister, on the other hand, chose to only have one child. He is 11 and is a self involved, spoiled, selfish, self seeking, young man. I feel sorry for who ever he marries because he thinks the world revolves around him (as most only children do). Belive it or not, despite the picture I have painted of my only child nephew, I do love him... most of the time.

Leta will learn how to share her stuff, her heart, her dreams, her everything with her little sister... she will learn what she probably has not yet had to learn, that life does not revolve around her every whim. Marlo is the best gift you ever could have given your sweet Leta. You will know that, with no doubt, soon!

Xo to the whole Armstrong family...

I think this is my favorite post that you've written. So beautiful... I understand this completely.

Wow, that's heartbreaking, Heather!

And to SB, please get yourself a copy of Parenting for a Peaceful World and... *evolve*

Seriously, stop making me cry.

Oh, the guilt indeed!!! I am due August 27th. I had my 1st born -- now 11 -- at the age of 19. I was a complete idiot back then. So, when I had my 2nd born -- now 14 months, I had not only the guilt of "taking away" our life together...but I felt guilty about how much better life is going to be for my 2nd born since I'm now a better mom, more patient, etc. Then I went and got pregnant AGAIN. I cannot even imagine how much life is going to change in about 2 months!!! What is wrong with me? And I will be raising all three boys as a SINGLE MOM. Guilt. Indeed. Fear. Yes. PPD? Upcoming. Just be very, very, very glad that you have such a wonderful husband to help you through this! Some of us didn't get so lucky in picking our sperm donors...

oh my god, the crying I'M doing now too!
You write beautifully, Heather. I'm positive that soon, Leta will not even be able to imagine life without Marlo.

I'm crying too and Lauren # 298 has the sweetest story.
And it will all be okay.
xoxoxo

Oh my gosh, the CRYING! (mine, not yours) <3

Oh my gosh. I bawled like a freak when my second child was born too. I thought I had ruined my first child's life. He stayed with friends and when he came home I stayed in his room after he had fallen asleep, and cried and cried. Its so weird that alot of us go through similar things. so then when my third child came I cried for the second child because I was casually told by someone he was the middle child and I cried and cried about that.

I totally understand. It's heartbreaking to bring home the second child and then realize that you can't give your first child the attention you used to give him/her. This is why I only have two children. It's a perfect size family for me.

The paragraph that ended with this sentence:

"I'm quick to comfort her and explain that Marlo is not crying at anyone in particular, it's just that sometimes it's sad to find oneself sitting in a pile of their own shit."

Is exactly why I read your blog. It's like all nice and I think you're going to say something sweet and comforting...then *zing!* Hahaha!

I'm glad the transition is going well.

Congratulations! You have given Leta the gift of a forever friend; the only person who will be able to commiserate totally on what lunatics their parents are/were.

She'll thank you for it some day, don't get all bogged down with guilt; that one is smart enough to use it to her advantage.

Just do your best.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...snot, snot...aaaaaaaaaaaaah.....

As always, beautifully written and left me weaping. I too, never ever expected to feel that I was betraying my first son when I brought home my second, it was perhaps one of the most overwhelming feelings I have had since giving birth. 15 months later, I still spoon my older son a little longer at bedtime and whisper the same things in his ears. The guilt of motherhood never ends.... Loves to you and your sweet family!

I'm the youngest of four, and my sister is 13 years older than I am. Before she got diagnosed with her mood disorder (and I say *her* because I'd already been diagnosed with *mine* lol), she could be such a raging bitch that I wondered how my mom could stand her. Even so, and now more than ever, she's one of the most wonderful things about my life.

It must've been very difficult for her to suddenly be usurped in her position as the only girl after 13 years--and by the last child, no less! Destined to be doted upon in a much different way. Reading this post and the comments about the special bond between a mother and the child who first made her a mother--I have seen that in their relationship, though I'd never understood what it was. And I am so happy for her that she has that.

With your two little ones, your first born will always be your first born, and your baby will always be your baby, and that's a wonderful, individual thing for both of them to have with you.

Marlo will always think of Leta as wonderful, and Leta will come to think of Marlo as her own.

Not too long ago, I told my big sister that one of the most comforting smells in the world for me is her day-old deodorant and armpit because waking up to that means that we've fallen asleep together. She said that's one of the most loving things she's ever been told.

It's true that your girls will soon enough have their own strong and strange little love. :)

i know it's cliche, but i am a long, long time reader but only a first time commenter. so hi!

i had to comment because i was 5 when my little sister was born in early june, and i can distinctly remember feeling exactly like leta seems to feel - a little scared of this little baby that is crying and taking all of the parents' attention. but it will get better - the five years in between my sister and i made me much more aware of those initial changes, but also contributed to a very close relationship. my sister and i are 23 and 28 now, and best friends, and i can't imagine a life without her.

your daughters are very lucky to have such an awesome mom (and dad), and i think you have just given leta one of the best presents ever - a sister!

I'm crying...

I had exactly those same feelings when I brought home my second. Like I had betrayed my first. I remember bursting into tears, apologizing and explaining "you are my first baby, you were my first real baby, this is your brother, we had him for you, blah blah blah." Now, after the 4th, and after the 3rd, I just didnt feel the guilt. It must just be going from one to 2.

When my last "surprise baby" was born my youngest was 5yrs. He had never liked little kids and especially not babies because all they could do was stare at him, which made him uncomfortable. When we told him we were expecting he slamed his fist on the counter emphatically stating "I hate babies!". I was worried!! Now my baby is 2 1/2yrs and my boy is almost 8yrs and they adore each other. In fact, even though they each have their own beds, they sleep in a tangled knot of entwined limbs, that baby follows my boy everywhere and that boy wears a great big smile because of it. Just make sure that you spend enough alone time with Leta to let her feel safe and know undeniably, that you still adore her. She will then feel comfortable enough to fall in love with Marlo herself.

I imagine that it WOULD be a bit tough on the first-born to suddenly have to share the spotlight after being a solo act, especially for five years. (I'm an oldest child but my sister and I are only 1 yr. 9 mos. apart in age so I don't think it was as traumatic for me when she was born.) My nephew was 5 when his baby sister was born, AND he started kindergarten 6 weeks later -- talk about a big life transition for a little guy! He was wonderful with the baby but he did have his share of temper tantrums and meltdowns, wanted to climb into the crib once or twice, and things like that. Add to that, my sister's attempts at breastfeeding the new baby weren't going very well at all and she was exhausted all the time, and I think what they had was just one emotionally overwrought household for about the first 2 months. After that, things leveled out, settled down, and got a lot easier. The two kids (now about to turn 22 and 17 in July) have always gotten along fine and no lasting damage to the oldest from having to make room for little sis.

And we could all do with some chocolate ice cream for breakfast every so often. I say: EAT UP!

Oh my god, the tears. Mine, not yours.

We're thinking about having a second child and I feel this way every time I consider having baby #2. How could I "cheat" on my sweet little boy by bringing another baby into the mix?

Of course, I'm sure he'll appreciate it later when he has somebody to beat up on. :)

Does she have her own baby doll to feed and diaper? My sister and I were 11 months and 3 days apart. She passed away last year and I miss her like crazy. She was the very best gift my parents ever gave to me. Leta will feel that sex toys that way someday. Sisters just have that bond that noone else does. Blessings today, Armstrong family!!!!

"sometimes it's sad to find oneself sitting in a pile of their own shit."
a good sentiment, and sentence, to start the new day with.
and something that also is true for people any age....

:D

lovely post

That feeling really caught me off guard also. I was prepared for many things but the feeling that I had somehow done a bad thing to my daughter by bringing a new baby into the world was not one them.

Let me tell you though the first time you walk into a room and find your first born playing with their sibling it will make your heart swell to the point where it feels like it may burst. The next best thing is the first time you find your two children conspiring against you and your husband. For some strange reason it is the best feeling in the world to know that no matter what they will have each other.

:) Gia

PS: Marlo is gorgeous.

Heather, I have two girls, five and a half years apart. My second is the terror that makes parents question having any; after my first was the picture perfect mellow kid from day one. I promise, they will love each other, and it will be a marvelous thing to watch. My girls are 14 and 8 right now, and they do fight just like any siblings, but when they are not? Its beautiful, amazing, hilarious...the adjectives are endless. I still have days when I wonder if it would have been less stressful if they were closer in age, but then I remember it all happens when its supposed to happen. Congratulations on a beautiful new addition to your lovely family.

Heh..'spacing son-in-law' are the captcha words...Now *there's* something to consider!

this is so beautifully written. wonderful, you! wonderful, life!

Well, that instantly brought tears to the eyes of THIS momma. Wow.

It's the tiredness and the hormones Heather, that's all it is. It's a mother's job to feel guilty and by God do we do it well! Mothers spend most of their lives with a whip in their hand, flagellating their own backs. Mostly for imagined reasons. Leta is picking up on your panic and panicking too, not knowing why. It will pass.

One day, you will look out your back window into the garden and see the big sister teaching the little sister how to slide down that slide on their tummy. And you will have arrived. You will feel so proud of yourself for giving Leta the gift of a little sister. There will be so many moments like these. Daily ones. Where they will be doing things together, hide and seek, toys and games. All these things, when shared, are MUCH more fun. Leta will never be lonely. Repeat that to yourself! Sure she will find it tough but only for a while. Only until the baby starts laughing at her goofy faces. Then she will have found her place. Making the baby laugh. It won't be long before that happens!

Leta may not like it now, I didn't either. . .
But as an adult I can not imagine life without my little sister.

I absolutely loved this post. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. When Madison was born I couldn't imagine life ever ending and me not seeing her grow. The emotion of having your firstborn is overwhelming. She was the perfect baby and child. They Jake came along. He didn't sleep. Cried a lot and generally turned life upside down. I learned to accept that they are just two very different people. But for Madison it was harder. Now as she does her best to teach him, mother him and tolerate him I think she secretly wonders what life would be like without him. She wondered in the beginning when he would "go back to where he came from". And now says that that when she grows up she only wants to have one child. I try to point out how wonderful it is to have a sibling, a brother. He makes us laugh with his silly songs, farting noises and just his physical prowess. Yes, sometimes sharing sucks and playdates at our house always include Jake the Destroyer, but when my husband and I need our adult diapers changed she will be glad she has someone to share the burden with. In short, in the beginning I felt as if I should have run the concept of "we want to have another baby are you alright with it" by my firstborn, but she would never have been able to see beyond her Barbie's and into the future when she will need her brother to beat up the little shits who torment her. Best wishes with the addition. I love your blog!

i have got to stop reading your blog, otherwise i'm going to have 100 babies. it's funny that, as the eldest kid, i can REMEMBER feeling "put aside" when my little bro was born...but it doesn't last long. life for a 5 year old is too exciting.

It really is a journey you all take together. Learning that you love them both so much. Making sure everyone gets their fair share of "Mommy time". Leta and Marlo will most likely grow to be very close and a wonderful support system for each other over the next 20 years. An amazing reward for you and hubby to watch them grow and love.

BTW, SB I am so glad I was not there for you to {scold} a new sibling with a newborn baby in the house looking for love. There is obviously a huge difference in parenting here. I thank God for Heather's parent skills and talent for LOVE in her life.

My oldest son, Tage, was 4 when baby Chris was born. The day we brought him home he peed on the floor right in front of us while we were fawning over our newest son. "Who's gonna love Tage?" he wailed. Heartbreaking. That was 9 years ago. You and your daughters will get through this, I promise.

Thanks for sharing those sweet moments with us.

When I had my second child, it was crazy the amount of guilt I felt when I looked at my oldest. I think most of my baby blues came from guilt and not actually from having another baby. I remember calling my mom and telling her I felt like a horrible mother because I couldn't devote all my attention to the oldest anymore. With time, it went away, and I learned how to balance it once I didn't have to have my baby attached to my chest 99% of my day.

34 weeks pregnant here with #2, and I've been feeling this way every since I discovered I was pregnant.
Thank you Heather and thank you to all the commenters for sharing these feelings- this truly is one of the things nobody ever tells you about being a mother.
I'm mourning the loss of one-on-one time with my 3 year old daughter already, and my new little guy isn't even born yet.
Leta is lucky as hell to have such sensitive and loving parents who can help her through this transition.

Don't worry. I promise you'll balance the love, easily. And Leta will learn there are some things Marlo doesn't get to do because she's too little and I'm sure she'll love that. She'll also learn that she gets to teach her things, which makes my 6 year old pretty pleased with herself. Enjoy them both.