Gotta go with Jon on this one. Six years ago today, I saw my firstborn enter the world through my wife's vagina. That was plenty intense, and definitely left me with no desire to take on the stress of watching someone I don't even know go through it on television, thank you very much.

I keep checking your blog for the birth announcement. I never thought I would get so excited about a virtual stranger's baby. Best of luck to you all!

Oh, the image is just too good. I was obsessed with that TLC show during both of my pregnancies, and could never get my head around that "two weeks later" bit where they visited the happy family's calm, tidy home and the beautifully dressed and made up new mothers welled up with tears of joy for the miracles that had befallen them. As I sat there oozing from every orifice, swollen and ugly and mean, I had to stop myself from throwing saturated breast pads and shit coated clothing at the tv screen.

OMG, that is truly horrifying. I am glad that I never stumbled across that insane Freebirthing show, nor never saw an episode of A Birth Story where they waved half emerged babies around like puppets. That is seriously F-ed up. How do you sleep at night after seeing that?! Especially while pregnant. Everything gave me nightmares while I was pregnant!

I know I'm old-fashioned, but I prefer my birthing experiences in a hospital with folks who know what they are doing and gently lay my baby on my chest after birth WITHOUT giving into the urge to do a performance with them.

Look, Heather, you have to cover every possibility. Ventriloquism urges included.

Weird. A Baby Story always makes me cry and reminds me I'm not dead inside. Especially if the dad cries. Then I LOSE it. I haven't seen the muppet move yet but damn that it creepy.

For me the worst is the show where the baby and/or mother has some type of risk. Always at the end, even for the ones where the risk is slight, is the booming voice saying, "Thank goodness for the highly-skilled staff at St. Middle of Nowhere Hospital who used extraordinary procedures to clutch this baby from the jaws of death..." All it serves to do is scare the be-jeezus out of anyone and foster the notion that if the mother has so much of a hangnail, giving birth is some kind of procedure that dare not be done without a circus of doctors and sci-fi equipment.

Hang in there. A few more days until you morph into 2...

have you seen that show - something like "i didn't even know i was pregnant?!"

that show is horrible and engrossing, and should also be called "i'm fat and have unprotected sex regularly... and i'm a bit retarded"

I am so checking out that show now! Sometimes just watching bravery and stupidity is theraputic. It makes you forget all of your own troubles. I mean who can compete with having to drive to the hospital in the middle of labor? Makes my problems seem small in comparison.

ew. ew. ew. i hope no doctor does that to MY newborn baby, i'd punch him (or her) in the face. with my vagina.

My husband DID lock all of those Health channels when I was pregnant. It was bad news. I still have nightmares.

okay that just FREAKED me out.

i never thought of that possibility and now have one more thing to scare Hubs with when he brings up the idea that yes, maybe now would be a good time to try to have a baby.

thanks for the ammo.

How about the one where the women claim to have orgasms while giving birth!? Now, that's a scary show!!!

Love the new header!!! :)

I keep waiting for pictures of your mucous plug to be posted online, Heather, and now I'm hoping for placenta pictures, too! THE WORLD needs to see these things! :)

Here's hoping they give you all the best drugs and that there is no puppeteering going on in the delivery room.

Can't WAIT for the twitters! :)

Seriously, though, good luck to you, John, Leta, and Baby Not Maria/Possibly Donette. Sending you the warmest of wishes.

so was the freebirthing woman totally proud of herself for it? I worked with a woman who had her baby at home with a midwife, and it was almost as if she wanted me to believe that her baby was somehow more alive than mine was. like having my baby in a hospital resulted in its possibly not being all the way born. I have a teenager now and believe me, after about year 6 or so, you don't CARE how they got there anymore.

I with Deb, i check this site every single day, sometimes twice a day. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrivial of not maria.

you are so freakin hilarious. because everything you said is so true.

Holy shit are you funny! I'm only 18 weeks pregnant, but I laughed so hard I nearly lost *my* mucous plug.

I don't want to be a downer of anything but I just had a miscarriage after 20 weeks of pregnancy on Sunday...this week has been...difficult...this post though? this made me laugh.

thank u :)

Oooh! I need to find this show. I was sad when they took all the surgeries off Discovery Health. Nothing like flipping through the channels and OOP! Testicle repair! Or HEY! THTAT'S what birth looks like? Fascinating.

Totally agree on the ventriloquism. That's a scary enough hobby when half-born children aren't involved.

I'm all for women having babies at home with midwives or some sort of trained professional, whatever you want to call them. This is not at all a rant against home birthing.

I just love your blog! It inspired me to start my own. I am 33 weeks along and these last weeks are dragging by. I'm sure you are on the edge of your seat with just day(s) to go. I've watched many of these shows and finally had to cut myself off. Although after reading this, I'm half tempted to see if I can catch one on now. It's like watching a car wreck I suppose, hard to look away! Good luck with your labor!

I know exactly what you mean! I was glued to TLC and Discovery Health the last part of my pregnancy. I watched the shows that highlighted difficult pregnancies in particular because then I felt like I was ready for ANYTHING (anything the doctor told me to do anyway). A guy friend of mine insisted that "Pregnant women should be banned from television and the Internet for the duration of their pregnancies."

I will be forever trying to get those images out of my head. Yet, I am also addicted to those shows! Which only fuel my paranoia and anxiety. It's form of self torture. You should check out the show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". You gotta wonder about some of those women...

You took the words right out of my mouth and said mouth has not closed since I read this post. I am not even pregnant and the thought of a doctor doing that incites some serious anger. All I can say is - they must've been male doctors. Don't get me wrong, I love me some men, but c'mon!

Anyone who has issues with alternative styles of birthing should do themselves a favor and see The Business of Being Born. Key word there: Business.

We need to take back our births and support a mother's choice to have her child in the way she most feels comfortable.

As an advocate for Natural Birthing, I really have a hard time with the Unassisted births,but who am I to judge. I only hope there is an emergency plan in place for the safetly of the unborn.

Blessings with your birth,

Becky

The OB/GYN that was on call the night my son was born did the puppet thing. I was less concerned with the puppetry and annoying voice than I was with the fact that THERE WAS STILL HALF A BABY IN THERE and oh my hell get him out! Hope you don't have to deal with this, or any other unpleasant birthing surprises as Not Maria makes her debut.

I went and googled Freebirthing. And saw a youtube video. I'm in shock. Also, ouch. Also. OMG THATS FREAKING SCARY!

You took the words right out of my mouth and said mouth has not closed since I read this post. I am not even pregnant and the thought of a doctor doing that incites some serious anger. All I can say is - they must've been male doctors. Don't get me wrong, I love me some men, but c'mon!

I was a doula and the things I saw doctors do gave me nightmares for years. I had to quit being a doula after about 3 years because when the doctor would walk in the room I would have a panic attack and think I was about to die, literally.

One time I had a trooper of a fist time momma... she had labored through 12 hours of induced labor, drug free, and just so happened to be 10cm at about 5:30 pm. HER BODY SCREWED HER! The Dr. comes walking in (wishing he was at home or on the golf course, I'm sure), no lie, didn't even check the mom, just said to his nurse, "Go get the forceps let's scare that kid out of there!" I am sooooo not lying! The mom flips out and says, "No! Let me try to push!" This first time mom pushes like a mad woman and the baby is coming down nice... she was on her second push, the head was crowning... For a first time mom that is fabulous! Next thing you know, for absolutely no reason and no warning at all the Dr. who was in such a rush, cuts the woman from the front straight into her ass! I mean to tell you she looked like a filet of fish, laid open. The baby fell out. The Dr. caught him. The baby couldn't breathe because all the fluid that is in a baby's lungs from being in the womb are naturally pushed out during a normal birth.... the pressure from the tight birth canal acts almost like the Heimlich maneuver, to get all that stuff out so they can come out breathing... Well not this baby. He instead got to stay in ICU for 2 days while they had to put tubes down into him to get the fluid out. By the way, it was NOT muconium... just fluid from the bag of waters he was in, in his momma's womb.

That was the last hospital birth I attended. I could tell you nightmare story after nightmare story. In the 3 years I was a doula I only saw a couple births that were uneventful and pleasant. Every doctor wanted to intervene and intercept and mess with what the body was naturally designed to do and every woman was completely powerless to stop her Doctor. Those who tried to make informed decisions concerning their body and their baby were treated like they were stupid, or like they were a bad mom for wanting to “kill their baby”. Heather, this is why women feel forced to birth their babies at home with out medical assistance; because to invite modern medicine into your birth experience is to invite a total lack of control into your birth. Once you step into a hospital you are no longer in control of your body or your birth, no matter what your doctor tells you when you are sitting in his office in your first trimester… when it comes to Birth Day, it is a totally different story all together. Your birth plan doesn’t mean a single thing, most of the time.

I haven't seen it yet, but don't let Jon set the controls before you check out "I didn't know I was pregnant." I can only assume that these are reenactments (for obvious reasons), but I can't wait to see it and I have only 7 weeks left before pregnancy hormones no longer justify my obsession.

Good luck with the birth!

Oh my god this was hilarious. I keep checking your blog- I feel like we're on Armstrong Birthwatch 2009, and it needs some really awesome CNN graphics and theme music to go with it (think "Miracle on the Hudson" or "Decision 2008"). As for me, well, I haven't had kids so I can't speak to whether or not I'd do home birth or go to the hospital (probably hospital because I'm a worrier and I can just see myself having a freakout panic attack in the middle of giving birth). But that show sounds downright scary and A Baby Story always makes me cry so I don't let myself watch it. :)

i totally have seen that freebirthing show. that lady with the "can you pull my placenta out"? yeah she lives in my state. about 100 miles away. as if people don't think that colorado is crazy enough with our weird laws about not smoking outside.

what i love about that particular episode? how she resists everything UNTIL...her placenta isn't coming out. goes to the hospital like, hum drum, gotta get this thing out. come on kids! everyone in the car. she makes colorado seem so effing white trash. the other one i love about that episode? the lady who gives birth almost silently. like WTF? are you a human being or a crazy alien creature?

You have just described in your inimitable way why I do not watch ANY of that shit on TV. Why watch stuff that just makes you angry?

Wishing you, Jon and Leta all the best as the birth day approaches. I, for one, feel a little "Ooh!" whenever I see a tweet from Jon lately, thinking it could be "the one." :-)

Dude. You must stop watching the crazy women while you're pregnant!

I have somehow managed to miss the episode of Freebirthing where the mother drives herself to the doctor for placenta removal. I'm going to have to Tivo the whole series now until I see that. INSANITY!

What I want to know is how many women actually say "GET IT OUT" during delivery. I did. Three times. Even though I knew they were boys I still said "IT" like it was an alien or a Macho Combo Burrito (which it could have been.) There needs to be a statistic about this. Or a montage on YouTube.
Heather...for Gods' sake...GET IT OUT!

Hahaha I totally agree... A Baby Story is soo awful. WHO ARE THESE DOCTORS! And often, who are these poeple.... Thanks Dooce for undoing a lot of anti-glamorous anti-hip done to motherhood that this show does.

My coworkers probably think I’m hyperventilating right now trying to control my laughter. Tug out the placenta? Ventriloquist baby? I’m cracking up!

For the record - I think doulas, midwives, camcorders and big ol' tubs are fine, if that's what floats your boat. And suddenly everyone - even my single friends who are dudes - are running at me screaming "Have you seen The Business of Being Born!!" with their Netflixed copy in hand.

It's just...what Patrice (29) said. Cracks me up, the "rite of passage" that some women claim, once they've done it in said living room, with said doula and scrambled placenta.

I thought that said Freebirding for a second. Like Jon and the hospital staff should wave lighters in unison while you're screaming to a rockin' guitar riff as Not-Maria enters the world.

When I was living in England and pregnant, I discovered "Home Birth Diaries." Look for it on YouTube. In the UK, they don't censor anything on television (which makes watching Gordon Ramsey quite entertaining!), so you would see things like a baby's head hanging out of the mother's vagina while she squatted screaming over her birthing pool with the midwife, dumbfounded husband, quivering dog and completely terrified toddler looking on. It was then and there that I decided to get the epidural.

My daughter is nearly two, we have been back in the US since she was 7 weeks old, and my husband is *still* talking about that damn show. He was traumatized.

Ha. I can't stop watching Baby Story either. Want to look away, but can't. My mother had four children--when my first brother was born, doctors shoved a bedpan--upside down--under her to lift her up, and the ob/gyn then went and joked to everyone over and over again (within her earshot) that he had just delivered a baby "into a bedpan", and wasn't that funny?

oh no, that sounds horrible!! i am now needlessly angry and i am not pregnant nor have i seen the show.

hahahaha that is hilarious..you would like the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" on Discovery. Yeah there are people out there who was unaware of their own pregnancy.

Please PLEASE come be my doula in September. Not that I even want or need a doula... it would just be nice to have a RATIONALLY minded person in my corner...

I was that way with the wedding shows when I was planing my wedding. Knowing how much those freaked me out I avoided all the baby shows like the plague when I was pregnant. I still won't watch them & my daughters 18 months old.

Good luck to you. I can't wait the hear charming/exasperating/hillarious stories about not Maria.

I watched that Freebirthing show and I thought that girl with stuck placenta was insane. Literally. Anyone who wants to give birth without the aid of medical professionals and drugs is certifiable in my book.

Best wishes to you and your growing family!

Oh my goodness, this could not be more timely. I'm 27 weeks with my first and watched The Business of Being Born last night. Already going with a midwife, etc, but the one thing that really pissed me off was the doctors talking to the women in labor, saying "Ok, Mommy, you need to push now or we'll have to have a c-section". I turned to my husband and said "If anyone calls me 'Mommy' while I'm in labor, so help me God, they need to be forcibly removed from the room!" What the f*ck?! So patronizing!

I always laugh at the shows where the first-time pregnant woman, who has read every crunchy granola book there is about labor and delivery, is talking about how her birth will be a peaceful, wonderful experience and under no circumstances will she take any pain medications, yada, yada. Then they show her actual labor. She's 2cm and screaming like a banshee! "Get me the effing anesthesiologist! Now! I was crazy before! Just put me out of my misery!!!" te he he he. OK. It's not nice to laugh at the pain of others. It's especially not nice since I'm due in 11 weeks... and I have babies over 9 lbs. That's probably why I have such bad labors... KARMA. : D BTW, reading your book right now -- loving it!

Thank you for reminding me to renew my birth control prescription.

Heather,
What do you think about autism being connected to doctors cutting off the cord too soon and therefor the baby's brain doesnt get the oxygen it needs for the first 20 min?

We canceled Dish before I got pregnant, so I have yet to absorb hours of pregnant folk stories and delivery-centered tv while pregnant, but I know I wouldn't be able to turn away if we had it. When I was younger, I used to be addicted to Baby Story and it's ilk. Now that my birthing philosophy has changed, I'm not sure I could handle it. The shows always make the mom out to be a victim in the end, instead of the competent, strong individual she could be, that would really irritate me. I tend to credit shows like these in scaring women from birthing naturally.

Hahahah! You crack me up!

No kidding about freebirthing, yikes!

I detest "A Baby Story" - where do they find those couples? Most of them are SO STRANGE.

I heard that the movie "The Business of Being Born" (a la talk show host Ricki Lake) is awesome, but don't know if I should watch it at 5 months pregnant.

Nothing brings out the crazy in pregnant women like childbirth shows and bulletin boards. I thought my husband was going to kill me this time last summer when I discovered Deliver Me. The baby will come soon and you'll return to (relative) sanity!

I am absolutely LMAO. Thanks, I needed that.

I remember hearing a show on Fresh Air where they explained that gorilla babies come out facing front, so the mother gorilla can reach down and pull the baby from her own vagina into her arms. Human babies face backwards, so the spine is facing the wrong way to pull the baby out towards the front of the woman's body. This orientation requires someone be present to pull the baby out.

Freebirthing just sounds fucking retarded. A having a midwife at least, allows some degree of expertise to the birth, and can call a doctor or drive you to the hospital if something goes wrong. Yes, babies used to be born in ancient times with any knowledgable people around to help, but a lot more babies and mothers used to die in childbirth.

I hate how much I'm beginning to really like you.

hilarousness

I'm amazed at so many angry comments re obstetricians, but I guess I can stop worrying about the number of practitoners dropping obstetrics from their practices, because that's a good thing...right? Unless one's actually so barbaric as to want someone with a medical school degree deliver her baby in a hospital closer than 5 hours away. They're shit out of luck. But on the plus side, think of the huge job market for doulas!

Finally, if you don't your doctor making stupid waving jokes, get the goddam cameras out of his/her face. S/he went to med school, not Amer Acad Dramatic Arts.

Sorry, Dooce. Looking forward to Not-Maria's arrival along with every one else. Is there a name pool going? If so, I'm putting $10 on Nora.

The visuals that this post gave me are seriously disturbing!

Not Maria, please stay nice and cozy and tucked in for a bit longer. I want these pregnancy posts to last a while, they're too damn amusing.

As for the puppeteer doctors...well, I guess they don't sound so bad compared to the OB that delivered my first baby. I don't think he said two words to me the whole time, it was like he was working on a car. :(

Does no one else want to yell, "FREE BIRTH!"

This must be a doctor thing, where they play ventriloquist with their patients because I worked at an animal hospital where the doctors did that. When the dog or cat was completely doped up they would pick them up and kind of wave their arms around and talk for them. Creepy. And completely unprofessional. And while it's one thing for a dr. to do that in a vet's office where the owner wouldn't be aware of such shenanigans... for an OBGYN to do that with a newborn? WEIRD!

omg. this is the funniest thing i've read in a while.

and i agree with tina - i'd kick her in the face if she does that.

chop chop.

In response to comment #26 above from Betsy, who wrote:

"And for cryin' out loud! Someone give Daddy Scratches the I-refresh-Dooce-in-my-browser-more-than-ANY-of-you Award!"

I must defend myself here and say that, while I am definitely a geek, I am not SO geeky that I can afford to sit here refreshing my browser just in case Heather writes a new post!

I work from home. On the computer. All day. Everyday. And I use Newsfire. It goes *DING* when a new post hits dooce's RSS feed.

But I'll still take any award that you'd like to give me; my "Worst Daddy in the World" award is getting lonely.

Ha! Ricki Lake would probably be livid at the "When Homebirths Attack!" show.

Also, I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that doctor's office when he recalls the day's events to his wife..."So this lady comes in and she's just a MESS. She's sweaty, her hair is tangled up like a meringue held together by sweat and desperation, and she's trailing a mess of gore so abysmal it made a nun collapse. She wanders up to me and I swear I can see eternity in her eyes, then she says, 'Pull my placenta." Un-f***ing-believable."

This post and subsequent comments is the best birth control EVER! I am going to by a gross of condoms on my way home tonight after I have booked my husband a vasectomy appt.

That freebirthing show is just begging to have a Lynrd Skynrd theme song... "if I stayed here in you mom, things just wouldn't be the same..."

Heather, all the best to you and Jon for a Birth Day. You are one funny woman.

I don't have any children (that I know of) and that Freebirthing shit still made my uterus get a charley horse.
Buying diapers and snot suckers or whatever is one thing; buying a special pair of scissors to cut your own umbilical cord? That's fucked up.
-S

Freebirthing really is for selfish idiots.

Thank you (a) for making me laugh hysterically (b) for being this funny in the days before giving birth and (c) for warning me about this show I haven't heard of, but would probably have watched with morbid curiosity had you not warned me off of it first. I have been checking your site 2-3 times a day to see if Not Maria has been born yet, and I see I'm not the only one who's obsessed. Good thoughts to you, Heather!

OK, have you seen the show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"?! I talked about it in my blog post called Baby Fever. Basically these women are just walking along for NINE EFFING MONTHS, not knowing they are pregnant, and then out pops a baby!! It's so scary. My husband and I saw a show a few weeks ago, and have not touched each other since.

I don't have any kids, but freebirthing is something I WILL NOT DO. That just sounds scary. I will also agree with you on those doctors on A Baby Story. Only instead of a crowbar, I'd use a sledge hammer...

With baby #1 I tore all the way through when giving birth. He was almost 10 lbs and facing the wrong way (not breach).

So with baby #2 the doctor asks DO I WANT A MIRROR TO SEE THE BABY'S HEAD CROWNING?

I tried to be cool. Hm, never thought that would be the kind of thing anyone would want to see, but OK, I guess. I'll try.

I lasted about five seconds. I was so terrified that I would be witness to a noisy, bloody, humongous tear. And that's MY ASS we're talking about--my one and only private parts.

Baby #3, I got drugs and kept my eyes closed the whole time. That worked.

I am studying to be a homebirth midwife and I can promise you, out of the hundreds of (home and hospital) births I've been a part of, the disrespect that can come from doctors is horrifying, and one of the many reasons I support homebirth.

'A Baby Story', 'Special Delivery,' et al is sensationalist crap.

I gave birth to my son in a birthing center with a midwife. I'm all for empowering women in childbirth and giving them choices. But I cannot for the life of me understand this freebirthing thing. Is it really that hard to find a good doctor/midwife???

I have been reading DOOCE before Leta could walk. Best of luck to you all, I cannotot wait to read your birth announcement and see pics of the new addition.

I was addicted to A Baby Story during my last pregnancy and thank God for that, since it saved me from a c-section. When I got to the hospital in labor at 2 cm, my daughter was breech and the OB was all, "Oh well, let's get you up to surgery then." But I had seen a breech baby turned from the outside on the show, so I pleaded with the doc. "Can't we just TRY this? I saw it done on A Baby Story!" He must have thought I was nuts, but he relented. I have to say, it didn't tickle when he pushed my baby's head from between my ribs to between my legs, but so what!

Doc was proud as a peacock afterwards, puffing out his chest and saying how he'd never done that before to a woman in labor. I was simply glad to avoid the surgery -- which I'd had with my first and knew would flatten me for weeks. After a quick epidural, my husband and I settled in to our birthing suite for a lovely night of pepperoni pizza (him) and TV sitcoms (both of us) and out popped our daughter a few hours later after only two pushes. Whew!

Just sayin', don't discount these shows -- you might just learn something that saves your ass (or abdomen) later!

Really? You can watch that stuff while pregnant? I was more addicted to it when I was trying to get pregnant, but couldn't stand it once I was actually knocked up.

Infinite Jest gets A LOT better. It took me 4 years to get past the first chapter. Just start at page 49 and come back to the other parts after you've gotten into it a little bit. Three fourths of the way through I thought, this is absolutely the best book I've ever read. By the end, I was a little bit pissed and desperately wanted to talk to DFW. Two days after I finished the damn book (not kidding at all), the suicide. But really: 2/3 of that book are absolutely great and searingly absorbing. Great nursing book! That's how I read it, anyway.

Two thoughts:
1) I have visions of the doctor from the Freebirthing show using the placenta as a puppet. Anyone else? No?
2) Do we think no Freebirthers read (or have been forwarded) dooce, or do we think they just don't want to admit it? Do people Freebirth more than once?

I hate that show but watched every single fucking episode each time I was pregnant with my three kids. It's like watching a train wreck ... unstoppable.

Here's to getting that baby out soon, in a non-puppeteer way!

Next season: X-TREEEME FREEBIRTHING!!! Women wearing pushup nursing bras give birth unassisted, outside in the snow, while squatting over a pot of chocolate fondue balanced on hot coals! L-I-V-E !!

Three days to go!!! I know exactly how you feel and am urging things along for you from across the country. Good luck!!

#15 - that is HILARIOUS. still laughing that you put into perfect words what I was thinking.

I guess I shouldn't mention how I almost ate my placenta after my natural birth. It's supposed to help with PPD.

Anyone eat their placenta? Anyone? Anyone? Buller?

Dooce? You had a run with PPD as I recall with Leta...

I have absolutely seen one of those episodes of A Baby Story. And it totally creeped me out too. Waving? WTF??

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby now and you reminding me of this has totally made me want to tell my midwives absolutely no waving. But they're all female. And sane. So maybe I won't have to? Seems to me it should go without saying...

OMG, you HAVE to put that in the birth plan. Seriously. That is hilarious.

~from an OB/GYN who has never made a puppet of a newborn - I swear...I don't think so, anyway...sometimes we're kinda tired when you get us up in the middle of the night (kidding!) - but who is getting a total kick out of this pregnancy and can't wait to hear about the actual birth from your perspective!

Best of luck in the coming days! ~Rachael

I had a homebirth. It was nice. But.

a) Contrary to some of the comments here, just because I had a homebirth doesn't mean I'm judging you (you being anyone) for having a hospital birth. In fact, I can state quite happily and confidently that I don't give a flying fuck where, when, or how other women have their babies. Life is too short and complicated to care, frankly.

b) There was a midwife present. Thank God, because she made sure I didn't get blood on the carpet and thus lose my security deposit!

I'm not woman enough for the "I'm a Placenta, Get Me Out of Here" shows. They're like Ob/Gyn CSI.

God, I regret cancelling my cable!

"Baby Story" is the most evil show on television. I also watched it religiously everytime it was on. It was a morbid fascination that kept me coming back like a jumped-up meth freak, week after week, making myself more and more nervous about childbirth. Jon is a good husband taking the remote away from you; it is the only thing that will save you now Heather.
Getting very excited to see the new baby!

I hope your doctor reads this blogs or someone whose knows your doctor reads your blog and can provide a head's up!

In related news, the comments were closed on the Style Photo so I'll share here;

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/police_iphone_left_in_hot_car_for

I swear to god, like 90% of the time on that enraging show, the bored doctor strolls in, and with a condescending nod says to the terrified first time mother, "We're just not progressing as we'd like...time for Plan B." In other words: "Since my time is worth more than the intactness of your abdomen, we're gunna turn this 10 hour labor into 15 minutes...mkay?"

Makes my head hurt from the rage.

OH MAN, I knew there was a good reason why I opted NOT to have kids!@#$%^&*+!! Between this post and the mucous plug, I'm d@mned sure I made the right decision. In fact, I'd never even heard of a mucous plug before and could have lived the rest of my life without that tidbit of knowledge. Good luck and glad it's you and not me. And I agree with Jon on this one.

Problem with shows like that is they always have to choose the most dramatic cases in order to get people to watch, don't they?

Here in the Netherlands it's quite normal to give birth at home with a midwife. It's your choice if you want to go to the hospital or give birth at home. I've known people who have done it both ways and were equally happy with their experiences.

Not sure there is a lot of stupidity involved. Rather, just what works for them.

Granted, from what I know Midwives over here require a lot more training than they do in the US. Maybe that has something to do with it.

My husband is grossed out by these shows, too. Please, change the channel. No, I do not want to see a morbidly obese person marry a dwarf and then give birth to 18 children and then everybody has surgery. Change the channel!!!

Well, in his perfect world, his show would consist of American Idol where all the contestants were ghosts and the entire show was broadcast from the interior of a UFO. What does he know about what is worthy of viewing?

Yes, those birth stories are often too awful not to watch.
Catch a glimpse of a show and you cannot turn away. Who ARE these people who freebirth?

Hoping to read about your own birth story here, very soon! Good luck and may your indignation and anger at the TV bring on a contraction or two.

Forget TV what about YouTube? Did you see this in today's NYTimes? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/11/fashion/11BIRTHS.html?_r=1&ref=todaysp...
You can get more than your fill of unedited birthing footage on the good old internet. My son was born 10 weeks ago, and about a day before my labor began I became convinced that things were going to go so fast, I would not make it to the hospital. I imagined a perfect birth storm where I would reach 10 cm in 20 seconds, my husband would have disappeared off the face of the earth, and 911 would have a constant busy signal. I envisioned myself birthing in my bathtub, with only my 3 year old for support, trying to shoo the dog away from all the meaty birthing bits. I figured I'd better prepare for the worst, so naturally I spent about 3 hours Googling Unassisted Unplanned Homebirth - little did I know there was a much catchier name for it, "freebirthing" who knew?

In the end my labor was fast (2 hours) but we made it to the hospital with about 20 minutes to spare. I gave birth just the way I wanted to and it was amazing. I wish you the birth you want too.

YIKES!!!!

Okay, let me take a few deep cleansing breaths first......alright, here is the deal-----I posted earlier, saw something about home births/UNASSISTED BIRTHS AT HOME on YouTube. Hmm, didn't know that was even on YouTube. I meandered over there about an hr. ago and all I can say is, holy heck! Dooce, if you get in a tub and it is ONLY you and Jon there--and you scream like a banshee---and you pop out Not Maria--and then you FREAKIN' HOLD YOUR PLACENTA AND FLOAT IT AROUND UNTIL IT STOPS PULSING--THEN I AM GONNA PERSONALLY RIDE MY BIKE TO UTAH AND I AM GONNA , UH, I AM GONNA--WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GONNA DO BUT IT AIN'T GONNA BE PRETTY! Sheesh! I have had 4 babies, the youngest is 20! And I am addicted to YouTube and TLC going through the birth process all over again!

I am on Dooce Watch! Would ya hurry it up so I can go back and live a normal life again?

Seriously, I am so with you on this one. That is just freaky behavior on the part of the DR waving the baby's arm!
Though Jon is right, you don't need the added stress of hearing that crap.
Did you hear about the woman who gave birth as she was walking up the stairs?
Go here for story.

Ok...let me get this straight with this freebirthing thing...soooo Dr, Midwife or other trained professional, No! Camera Crew and other random strangers...Yes? Sounds like some seriously misguided ideals to me.
BTW- I am all for home birth, just have someone there who is trained in this and not as emotionally involved in the birth as you and your partner are so that that someone can make sound,unemotionally charged decisions SHOULD something go wrong!

Ha! We were a potential couple for the freebirthing show. It was UK based and over there the title was Outlaw Births. It was hilarious when they told me that. And yes there are people who chose to do it who are genuinely stupid but a good portion of us are very educated about it all.

Eagerly awaiting your birth announcement!

(And yes, I was included in the show but only as part of the opening credits...apparently we weren't controversial enough and wanted them out of our face way more than they wanted. Bwahahaha!)

And in reply to the camera crew in the house but no dr./midwife. The camera crew (in our case 2 ladies) were not there. They set up a camera on a tripod in one room and gave the couple a handheld to use as well. They weren't actually present for the birth. That would sort of countradict the whole unassisted thing you know? :):)

Oh Heather you are too much! ;o) I watch TLC's "A Baby Story" a lot as well (although I haven't been watching it lately). Its just something you can't get enough of. The miracle of life is always fascinating; pregnant or not pregnant (that would be a "not pregnant" for me).

Well geez Heather, everyone has that clarification on their Birth Plan now. Sounds like YOU haven't done your RESEARCH.

Joking, obviously. This one had me giggling, I have a DSC and TLC addiction myself but I haven't see the ventriloquists yet! Now I have to-

Heather I am with you on those shows. I had a sick fascination with them when I was pregnant, but have no desire to watch them when I am not. They make me extremely angry. I have had a few angry crying jags after "A Baby Story" because of the stupid c-section inducing interventions that doctors routinely thrust on unsuspecting patients.

Freebirthing? Really? I have been out of North America for too long apparently. Just when I thought that things couldn't possibly get crazier, something like this comes along.
As soon as I read this post I thought of all the horribly terrible things that could go wrong in such a situation...Perhaps the pain might get so bad that the wife might actually kill the husband because as we all know "YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU F***ING B***ARD!"
Before I was an L&D nurse I had all these dreamy notions of home birth, water birth, tra-la-la. Now that I have seen the possibilities, there is no way. Not EVER!
Midwives, doulas, water births..these are all great....in a hospital that is!

Sending waves of natural oxytocin your way as I try to find that show online because I totally have to see it for myself....

C.

I know exactly the show you are talking about and exactly which girl you referring to, dooce. I was appalled by her too.

It was unconscionable that she let her oldest child witness the labor and birth. How terrifying and confusing that must have been for him. Completely ridiculous and irresponsible.

My overall impression of that girl (I am purposely not calling her a woman) was that she was very, very young in age and thinking, not very bright and that her entire reason for the freebirth was out of utter distrust and nothing more. I was embarrassed that she was the lone representative of Americans on that show.

The other people on the show, save for the trainwreck who shanghaied her new deer-in-the-headlights lesbian lover into being her doula, at least seemed intelligent and invested in the freebirth concept. I can respect that regardless of whether I agree with it.

I haven't read all the comments, so pardon me if someone else already mentioned this (and I hope someone has!) but I have to respond to this: "there is no one there who knows how to get it out" Um... what about the MOTHER? If our bodies didn't know how to get a baby out, we would have been extinct long before obstetricians were invented. FWIW, I, most of my friends, and my sister have all had homebirths (with midwives, but in my case all she did was give me stitches afterward, which was all I really needed her for). We all knew exactly what we were doing, did our research, and carefully chose to have homebirths because we felt that was the safest place to birth a normal baby at the end of a normal pregnancy. Because giving birth is NORMAL--not medical.

YIKES to freebirthing!!! i am also strangely drawn to all those birthing shows and have NEVER heard of freebirthing....i'll be sure to tune in when it comes around.

Man oh man, have your posts been graphic lately. But I have learned the most about pregnancy from you than anybody else I know personally. Thanks...I think.

I was obsessed with "A Baby Story" while I was pregnant. I tivoed episodes and watched them over and over, multiple times a day, hoping that my doctor would be better and that I wouldn't act as much like a nut-job as some of those women. But then as soon as I gave birth and arrived home, the thought of watching an episode made me want to vomit on my television and then throw it through the window.

I agree with you... those shows are riveting, and TLC's "A Baby Story" is often like watching a train wreck. I watched it with every single pregnancy. Over and over and over again. And I cried. Even when doctors played puppet with the baby. Sick, I know.

Oh good grief! Women have been "freebirthing" for thousands of years. And, I bet there are lots of women all over the world in the midst of "freebirthing" right at this moment. When did we become a bunch of hothouse flowers?!

I, too, am breathlessly following Armstrong BirthWatch 2009!

Before I gave birth to my baby boy, I was really, really curious about my placenta - so much so, that while I was in the hospital in labor, I asked if, once it was out, I could have a look at it. I didn't want to eat it or anything, I was just intensely curious about this thing that was basically life support for my child. Later, when things got crazy, I totally forgot about it. So my (awesome) husband TOOK A PICTURE OF MY PLACENTA. Really. And it's kind of horrifyingly weird to look at, but also a little bit cool. And really really funny when I'm flipping through these very sweet pics on iPhoto of my pregnancy, and the day I gave birth, and OH MY GOD THERE'S A PLACENTA - I think my mother-in-law will never be the same....

Amanda comment #236: When we looked at the connection between declining infant mortality rates and assisted births with trained medical professionals and emergency equipment immediately available just in case. That's when.

Good grief yourself. How can you ask such a thing?

Yes, it works out fine for many of the people who do homebirths/freebirths or squat in a field but what about the few for whom it does not? Or would not have?

Had my sister been born at home, she would have died. My mom was a hothouse flower for taking precautions? No.

I tried to watch A Baby Story on TLC when I was pregnant, you know, to get ready. So I watched it for a while, and got really freaked out watching a water birth, but when I got the point where I would cry everytime the baby was actually born I had to stop watching. It gets me every time.

i love your blog, heather, but do not appreciate being called stupid.

yes, i'm on of those freebirthing people, and as far as i'm concerned, freebirthing, for most of the women who decide to do it, is a safe and sane childbearing choice. it's not everyone's cup of tea, nor would i insist that it should be. but please give some credit to these women, who do more preparation and planning than buying a subscription to "american baby" and reading a copy of "what to expect when you're expecting". we're not thrill-seekers, or attention-seekers, or looking for the ultimate experience at the expense of the well-being of our children. just like the people who make different birthing choices, we want the best we can do for our children, as we see it.

My friend had a freebirth with both her children completely and utterly by herself in a birthing tub. Twice. Since there was nobody there to witness the births, I got to notarize the birth certificates.

Isn't Freebirthing a Tom Petty song? I drank heavily listening to it in college. It seems the people who choose it are also drinking heavily.

(because one can tell who was born via freebirthing and who was born with an epidural by their SAT results, right?)

HILARIOUS! I am CONVINCED that you and I would be the best of friends in real life!

I'm due at the end of the summer with my first and I've enjoyed reading your posts as I go through it - also, I devoured your book! I love that you share what no one else talks about in baby books.

I've also been obsessively watching the Baby Story, and without fail I get pissed off at a certain part in every episode. This is the part where the physician/midwife/partner, etc. say "She says that she's feeling uncomfortable." Nice euphemism. Whoever says that should be sentenced to push a human being out of their body and then describe it as 'uncomfortable.' My husband has been warned...

Just for those few indignant commentators: the criticism is not about homebirths or anything of the like, but rather it is about not having anyone present (a midwife, for example) to support the birth in case something goes wrong.

Also for those who think home-births or births without meds are crazy, what's with the random judgment on women trying to reduce the amount of business in their birthing process?

My personal goal is to shoot for the ideal, but bow to reality.

I'm still laughing. Keep 'em coming.

People have issues, I understand that. What I don't understand is why anyone would sign up to have their lady bits video taped and put on national tv! Ok, so they blur it out. Ummm there isn't enough of that blurry stuff out there to make me want to do that. O yeah and lets not forget about the camera guys, sound crew, director, ect. all in the room watching. I figure if they sign up for those shows they are nuckin futs!!

Hahaha I can relate to this. I watched A Baby Story pretty much every day towards the end of my pregnancy. Some of those women (and doctors) are craaazy. My roommate said she thought the show was beyond gross and couldn't understand why I felt compelled to watch it. My husband probably would have agreed, had he not had to move across the country for work when I was 10 weeks pregnant, haha.

I'm surprised that no wacky obstetricians have come on to defend the ventriloquist move yet.

I don't think I have ever commented so I guess you could say I am delurking. I started reading your site not too long after your first child was born (I realize you don't protect names but feels weird calling her by her first name when I don't personally know her). And I went back through archives and you are hilarious when you are pregnant, your entries while pregnant are gut busting....That is all.. completely irrealavant(sp) to anything else other than you talking in this entry about the shows you watch while pregnant.

side note: my daughter was fascinated by the freebirthing.

I just had my first baby last week and during the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was obsessed with those shows, too! Have you seen the one about those weirdos who are pregnant and don't know it?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?!?!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/parenting/05/08/mothers.index/

quote:
Compared with mothers in the top 10 countries, a mother in the bottom 10 was found to be more than 750 times more likely to die in pregnancy or childbirth.

In top-ranked Sweden, skilled personnel are present at nearly all births, but in bottom-ranked Niger, such help is available for only 16 percent of women in labor.

"The good news," said MacCormack, "is that we know what it takes to help these moms and children survive and thrive."

The report highlights the three areas it says have the most influence on child well-being: female education, presence of a trained attendant at birth and use of family planning services.

Heather, I was two weeks late so won't tell you to get this baby out already. I was ready to punch the next person who said that to me--that is if I could make a fist with my swollen Jimmy Dean sausage fingers.

When I was researching doulas I found one who offered to do "Placenta Prints"---WTF? Not only am I exceedingly glad I didn't get a look at mine, but sure as heck glad that I don't have a nice print of it to mat and frame for the baby's room.

As to bad doctor bedside manner--two days before my scheduled induction (that was two weeks after my due date and I desperately hoped I wouldn't need to do it)-- my doctor was at a conference and I had to see the on call female doctor (mine is a wonderful, low-key, gentle man). Because I had tests that came back mildly borderline she started lecturing me about waiting too long and "this is when we start running into issues of FETAL DEMISE" and, "if you had the opportunity to induce and waited and then something went wrong you'd feel bad". I wanted to punch that woman in the face--but with the sausage fingers all I could do was seethe inwardly.

Have a wonderful birth whenever NotMaria gets around to showing up.

Totally agree-- that "Baby Story" is the worst! Also, what about that horrible "Bringing Home Baby" show, where they follow the new parents for the fist 48 hours? Nothing has ever made me want to tie my own tubes more than that debacle of cable tv. They really should show that one in high schools to promote abstinence.

I don't get the home birth thing, especially with all the advances in modern medicine and drugs. Would you do your own gallbladder surgery at home? No, you would not, because you are not stupid. And yet...

Also, here is a description of a porn star giving birth at home. Perhaps this birth was easier, because, um, she was a porn star: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-praug06n&ms...

You pregnant people obsess about the weirdest things. Just don't kill anyone, it'll all be over soon.

Hahaha! I do the same thing. I even bought a $40 DVD about unassisted childbirth called "A Clear Road to Birth" from Laura Shanley's website, bornfree.com. (BTW, Laura Shanley's husband has also been seen on television as proof that a man can lactate. I know your husband will thank me for telling you that!) Anyway, now when I watch the DVD, it depresses me. Most of the women in the DVD had sad experiences that led to their desire for an unassisted birth. So I don't even watch it anymore. But I still watch every birth show I can find on cable!

I had a homebirth with a midwife and her two assistants last summer and, though it was effing painful, it was short. And having the freedom to do what I wanted was *glorious* for me. Worth every penny! I would have driven myself crazy trying to educate myself to have an unassisted birth. It was wonderful to have someone with me who knew where to apply gentle pressure on the back of my pelvis during a contraction to make it more bearable. In my eyes, she was an angel who came to aid me through the process. The anesthesiologist from the first birth was just "my new best friend." I prefer my educated angel. They even washed my towels and sheets that were used during the delivery. Queen for a day is how I felt! It was awesome. :)

It's the male doctors who do the puppeteering. They think they are being funny, and apparently some people do think that is funny. I, like you, do not. I hope you are blessed with a happy, beautiful birth!

As a labour support doula, I have so much issue with shows that portray birth as weird, strange, something to be pathologized, and medical teams needing to "put on a show".

Although 100% unassisted births would not be for me, I know I want someone around just in case some help is needed, but birth can be just as amazing with the right midwife or doctor who supports your wishes and lets birth take its course.

I think it's completely normal to be oddly obbsessed with watching these sorts of shows while pregnant yourself, and thankfully, you are aware that they are not the "norm"al.

Wow, I have not seen this freebirthing shit, what a nightmare! I think a home birth is fine, if you've had a trouble free pregnancy and a hospital is fairly close by, but to not have a nurse practitioner or nurse midwife there is lunacy!

You answered your own question about why a woman would be drive to free birth.

I didn't do it while I was pregnant, but stay away while you are on "maternity leave." All those PTSD (that's really what it is) hormones really get to you then. Episodes of "Bringing up Baby" and "A labor story" killed me!

I just need to say that before anyone too harshly judges Asia Carrera's narrative above, realize that she had just been widowed 2 months before. (Asia and I were widowed around the same time and actually met on a bulletin board and exchanged a couple of emails.) I think what she did was crazy, but I remember that time for myself and I was crazy with grief, too. Who knows what I'd have decided to do in her shoes?

It's called unassisted childbirth and it's hardly a stupid "new fad." It's the way babies were born for a long, long time. You should really get your head out of your ass, open your eyes, and watch the documentary The Business of Being Born.

And dooce, it is interesting that for someone who considers herself a pro-choice liberal, you judge other women's birth choices rather than support them. What happened to women supporting other women online, hmm?

Cee -

It's one thing to be respectful of someone who makes an intelligent, informed decision that doesn't put others at risk. But choosing to birth at home with no professional assistance or expertise can't be qualified as either. Not only that -- it's putting the life of the baby as well as that of the mother at risk. Parents who put their children in dangerous situations are considered unfit parents. I would consider giving birth without some kind of trained professional on hand, regardless of whether it's in the home or in a hospital, to be extremely negligent on the mother's/parents' behalf.

That's the issue that's being discussed here. If you read Dooce's responses to these comments, you'll she's respectful of people who deliver in hospitals AND of people who want to deliver at home -- when assisted by trained professionals who know what to do when things go haywire, and who can save lives!

Furthermore, women who make the EDUCATED choice to birth unassisted realize that it is not the ideal choice for all pregnancies or all mothers. A freebirther would not purposely choose an unassisted birth if she has a complicated or high-risk pregnancy, for example. We are not stupid!

Really, Cee? There are some crazy-ass free-birthers on Mothering.com. I'm sure you've read the forums there. My favorite? The recent commenter wondering if she should have an unassisted birth with a 30-week premature baby, and people actually writing in to SUPPORT THAT DECISION, though the death of her preemie was a likely result. Commenters going on about the "inhumanity" of the NICU, suggesting it was preferable the infant die a miserable death at home.

There's a strange conflation among freebirthers between distrust of the medical establishment and a sort of fundamentalist spirituality. Free-birthing is the place where the far-left fringe and the far-right fringe meet.

I really just think Dooce's post, number #254, says it all. And being well-educated about something doesn't mean it can't kill you, or kill your baby. You can't stop yourself from bleeding to death by accumulated knowledge or force of will. Period.

And, on a somewhat lighter note, maybe it's the phrasing... but to me, "freebirthing" sounds like an extreme sport of some kind. And not a very fun one.

Eden, I understand what you're saying, but I am confused. It appears that you believe that giving birth in a hospital automatically guarantees the health and safety of a mother and her child. This is hardly the case, however.

I don't believe unassisted childbirth is ideal for every pregnancy. Nor do I believe hospitals are evil. I simply wish women would educate themselves before dismissing something valid as merely "stupid."