Wait, you have a broken toe, an awkward protective boot, sausage fingers, and an almost-fully formed human being in your lower abdomen who soon will exit through your vagina?

And I thought I was having a tough week ...

It is amazing how your body will change one day and the next be back to "normal." I don't understand a "boot" for a broken pinky toe but I am sure they just wanted you to be even more uncomfortable during your last few weeks of pregnancy!
Hope it all gets better!

You are so cute!

The swine flu? We're in Utah too, and our school [an independent school] sent out an APB last Friday. We're all aware of the plan! Where are the sick people?

Hope your toe heals quickly. Miserable to have toe pain, even worse when you need to nest. I'm sorry.

awkward space boot + third trimester of pregnancy : a recipe for disaster. Good luck, my toes are crying out in sympathy.

Swollen, broken and pregnant? Yikes!! It'll get better! At least you get to look forward to giving birth...holding your second child and getting ready for a whole new season in your life!

Ouch! If it makes you feel better, I once broke my ankle and sliced up my hand falling off the sidewalk. I got a plastic boot + 5 stitches out of it. So, compared to me, you're a ballerina! :-)

Oh man, as if walking while being pregnant wasn't hard enough...now you have to wear one of those boots? ugh. That's just adding insult to injury.

I hope your toe heals quickly....you really need to make everyone WAIT on YOU...and serve you lots of ice cream. :)

That's the only reason we have those toes, right? To stub, break and bruise them as we defend ourselves against our vicious furniture? It's not they're there for balance. Really, let's get with the evolution experts and re-evaluate the need for that one.

Holy Hell Dooce, did you think you needed JUST ONE MORE challenge right now!? Third trimester of pregnancy, Coco ('nuff said), a bathroom renovation, and a national book tour....ENOUGH!!! Please just go sit on that couch and write posts until it's time deliver The Baby Not Named Maria.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I mean aw.

I have mental pictures of your dog trying to keep your toe in sight and protected at all times, and for some reason I find it wildly entertaining.

Except for the part where it hurts. Sorry about that.

Hee hee hee hee hee....

I feel you,Heather. I have Spring Fever and a fractrued ankle and have to kick the fashion worlds a$$ with my boot.

At least I don't have "pregnancy"...

Okay, I have a toddler. I crazy,hyperk,possibly brain damaged toddler.

Even?

oh yuck! as if you weren't immobile enough being in the third trimester of pregnancy...now you get to wear a boot too? i hope it's not the kind that dyes your leg blue...i had to wear one of those in high school, and the smurf jokes took months to subside. feel better soon!

Two things...

1. Do you look like Forest Gump when he had what his Mama called his Magic Shoes?

2. I have been so swollen from all the sodium I've been eating due to PMS cravings that my shoes don't fit. Yeah, I'm not pregnant...I have no reason to consume that much chili. And Fritos.

Ha ha, was just thinking about Jon's ingrown toenail, ouch, the pain, OMG the pain, have I mentioned the pain?

ha ha

How I feel your pain! I too constantly walk into walls, furniture, you name it and consequently, sandals are not a look for my feet! Shortly after I had my first son, I was diagnosed with a stress fraction in my foot. I got a boot, the whole nine. So my c-sectioned, baby-wearing, broken-footed urban-self spent the beginning of motherhood. I remember ice cream doing wonders for during that time...

I am definitely way more scared of Andy Dick than I am of swine flu, even though he hasn't been recently spotted in my state like The Flu has.

About the panic... I'm in Fort Worth. You know, the place that closed ALL SCHOOLS for a week and a half, minimum because they panicked about swine flu? All the schools, that is, except TCU. We still get to take finals.

Closing the schools just dispersed the children all over the city. Can't take 5 steps now without falling over one. Smooth move, FWISD.

Sorry about your foot. And your Coco.

What exactly is a clinic in your neck of the woods? I read this on your twitter page yesterday and thought maybe you guys had decided to donate sperm or something. We say "going to the doctor" when we are sick. Going to the clinic insinuates giving sperm, getting anonymously tested for std's, or you are in need of free condoms.

Hope the toe feels better soon!

At least we're not yet slaughtering pigs or banning bacon (GASP, can you imagine?). Although I hear there's a campaign for a mass blacking-out of all public H's, N's, and 1's, and any combo thereof (as a precaution).

Hey, if you need more stuff to clean, you are welcome to come over to my house! I could provide you with adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. Also, I live in Maine, where our legislature JUST PASSED GAY MARRIAGE not to mention seven cases of swine flu, so you'd have lots of stuff to celebrate/freak out about!

Sorry about your toe. And about Coco being such a pest. Alas, I'm sure she means well.

I think your couch is much more threatening than the swine flu, I'm just sayin'...

I'm living the panic--pig flu in the school where I teach. School's closed and I'm on a 5 day swine-cation!

I have a similar problem as you, only my denial and pain threshold are equally through the roof. I had to get orthotics made about a year ago and when the doctor x-rayed my foot, he found a number of old broken/fractured bones that due to lack of treatment had not healed correctly. He's all, "How did you not feel that" and I'm all, "Dude, I may have a pussy, but I sure ain't one..."

Damn woman, you do have long toes! I know that x-ray is of the foot also, but still! Hope everything heals well and the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly. I'm one of those crazy people that LOVED being pregnant. I'd do it 100 times if I didn't have to bring home those darn needy babies!

Ouch!! that must suck on so many levels. Hope things get better soon...they will right....as soon as the baby arrives ;-) Just kidding...hope you feel better soon. Broken bones are never fun.

Once I had a broken foot from just standing up - well, I did have ostheoporosis but for god's sake, I was 24! - so I know how you must feel. No, wait. I don't. I wasn't pregnant and only had a cat to stand on my foot and she was much much lighter than Coco must be.
I really feel for you :)

First I'm overjoyed that I actually get to post! I enjoy your blog immensely! I am not a mother. In fact I am scared to death....those words are not even strong enough.....to be a mother. So, it is so refreshing to hear the raw truth about motherhood. I'm so tired of all of the glowing, "little" nauseous nonsense. I get car sick traveling just 5 miles from my house, I can't imagine 9 months of that!

At any rate, you're fabulous and I enjoy you!

R.Wallis

I could not stop laughing out loud while reading that at my desk at work. Literally clamping my hand over my mouth to stop the fit of giggles. Because, that? Is totally me. My husband is forever hollering at me to just WEAR SHOES around the house so I don't catch my pinky toes on every single object we own. I'm surprised I still have pinky toes at all. But the thing is, there aren't many things I dislike more than wearing shoes. I like to be barefoot, and I live in the city these days, so the only time I can be barefoot is in my house.

I remember having a broken ankle when I was younger and the cast irritated me so freakin' much that I sat in a tub of water and sawed it off with a hack saw (it was an old plaster-type cast). What a mess!

I'm also looking forward in a weird and compassionate way to hearing about you giving birth wearing that boot. I am sorry but ... someone, somewhere seems to make you do these things in order that my life becomes more entertaining!

Oh My Word! I think I've died and gone to Comedy Heaven. I'm reading this at my desk at work and just crying I'm laughing so hard.

Who needs to walk when your fingers are so awesome at entertaining the internet world!

I, do, however, hope your toe heals quickly.

Funny! Well, I guess not so much for you. On the swelling I can 100% relate. On the toes, not so much. I have incredibly short toes and can't imagine them getting caught on anything--got to find blessings in the little things I guess ;)

Oh Heather how I feel your pain. When I was 37 weeks pregnant with my darling baby girl I fell down my stairs and broke my ankle!! I wore the dreaded boot until after delivery. However, (don't anyone get crazy because I don't give a shit) the Loratab they gave me for the pain made the last 3 weeks of pregnancy actually bearable.

Of course I only broke my ankle 4 weeks after cutting my head open and getting 42 stitches in my forehead. Needless to say there will be no more babies. Our emergency prepardness just won't be as good as the neighbors :)

"6. Sundries said:

What is the white circle on your pinky toe? I thought that was the spiral fracture. ??? ;-)"

that little round, white "spot" is called a sesamoid bone.
We all have them, mostly in our feet and hands. Heather, being special, has an extra one!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sesamoid_bone

Question:
Will the boot fit in the stirrups when it's time to deliver?

So... is the boot removable? Because my thought is... what happens when you inevitably swell up inside that fucking thing?

I broke my toe twice while pregnant (same story, but insert dresser instead of couch)
I didn't bother going to the dr. because they don't do anything except tell you your toe is broken. I didn't need a dr to tell me that! :) I taped two toes together and wore crocs - did you hear that?
CROCS HEAL BROKEN TOES. I thought you'd want to know.

You are hillarious in that clip. THE SWIIINE FLUUUUU!! Raaaarghhh!!! Yeah, I am really not scared at all. Didn't Mexico go out and say 'Yeah. Oops. We overreacted."?

UGH. Something like a broken toe is the last thing a pregnant woman should have to put up with. Seriously, when I experienced the additional discomfort of a cold during pregnancy, I was an awful beast of a woman to live with. I don't think my husband even wants to imagine me pregnant with a broken toe. I hope it's all healed up and you're boot free soon!

I feel for you with the bad toe, the big belly and the sausage fingers! Poor Dooce. Very funny story though :)

I think the media has blown the Swine Flu totally out of proportion. People are panicky and there is nothing but a bad case of flu going around!

I just got your book today! Can't wait to read it. Thanks so much for writing it. I love your site and have followed you through the months are coveed in the book already. Take care.

OK you must be related to my husband. He has such long toes I make him wear socks in bed or else I can't put my feet, or my body for that matter, anywhere near him and that is not conducive to happytime.

The walking boot thing SUCKS. I broke my right big toe last year (dropped a table on it in my classroom, definitely NOT recommended) and they put me in one. I couldn't stand it. I wore it at work and out in public, but at home I hobbled around putting my weight on my heel. Then again, I also started driving again less than a week after I broke it-against doctor's orders-because, hello, until I win the lottery I do not have my own personal chauffeur...and if I did, then I sure as heck wouldn't need to get to work every day! :)

Hang in there...

I have very long toes, too. They are also very knobby and crooked (thank you, 10 years of ballet). Sometimes I press all my other toes down and just slowly wiggle my 2nd biggest one at my fiancee and go, "Ellllliiiooootttttt". It's why he's marrying me.

I'm pretty convinced I've broken my pinky toes so many times they are now nothing but bags of flesh with shards of bone floating around in there. That pain is pretty ridiculous.

Whenever I do it, I use athletic tape and wrap the last two or three toes together for stablization.

Dude, you are NOT KIDDING about your toes. Those are ... ahem ... LONG.

And by the way, i love the snorting :)

I just about died laughing. Just make sure you wear a sock with that boot. I broke my foot last summer and had to spend it a similar boot, but mine went up to my knee. My foot continued to kill me until someone told me to wear a sock. Here I thought I was being cute having matching painted toenails in the hottest summer alive while wearing it. What a HUGE difference wearing a sock makes. Good Luck! Now off to watch your video and observe the water:D

I've done the broken pinky toe as well. Once it latched onto the leg of a stool at the gym. I took a taxi to the emergency room and the ER nurse wrote it up as a "gym accident" - sending the X-Ray tech into paroxysms of laughter when I had to explain that I'd tripped over a bench. The ortho boot girls loved it too. I soon changed the story to bear trap.

Sorry for your pain, those of us with (as Lucille Ball once said) "European Feet" are to be admired for our ability to carry on through our self inflicted pain.

Sorry about your toe. But I don't have too much sympathy since you probably have those really long toes that look sexy in those strappy sandals (tree-climbing toes is the evolutionary term I think) unlike gals like me with the squatty little things (cave-dwelling toes) that are barely long enough to cling to a flip-flop let alone inspire foot fetishes.

As for the swine flu, or the "spine flu" as my daughter has come to call it. The media has blown the whole pandemic thing into a PANIC-demic! No wonder we're all so freaked out. By the way, the Walmart's out of Purell. Anyone know where I can get me some?

Take a look at the length of those toes!

I coughed in a waiting room today (ALLERGIES, nothing to do with anything making an oink sound), and easily cleared the entire room. Awesome.

And, I once broke my pinkie toe by walking into a wall. The lights were off and I thought I could make it to the bathroom without turning them on. Yeah, I was wrong. Or... I mean, I made it alright; I just broke a toe on the way. So, just have solace in the fact that you are not the only one with revenge-seeking inanimate objects. Hope you feel better soon... and don't sneeze.

A boot AND a pregnant belly? As if it's not hard enough as it is to move while pregnant! Good luck getting out of bed 30 times a night to pee!

Your commenters are killing me with their injury stories. I've gotten weak-kneed at least two dozen times. Although Dawn at 67 is my information queen of the day.

I hope you heal quickly, Heather.

I work in an emergency department... damn you for making me read x-rays on my days off.

Seriously, people make fun of broken toes but they hurt BAD. And they mess with your balance in ways you'll never understand until you break your own toe.

I had a vision of you in delivery, with your boot up in the air in a special stirrup. Gotta protect that toe, you know. And if the OB isn't gentle, you can whack 'em with that monstrous thing.

Take 2 tylenol and post in the morning.

Why the boot? Can you just tape the wilted Pinky toe to the next one in line and wear flip flops or some other comfy shoe? (Personally, I bought a pair of those cheapo grandma sneakers at Walmart and hacked open a sidecar for the toe) Talk about pushing boundaries of what a preggo will endure...what's next - arthritic hose and a girdle?

And it's only the first week in May!!! :)

I feel so sorry for you. I too know the pain of a broken pinky toe. I went down to Ft. Lauderdale, FL once for spring break with my boyfriend (now husband) and a few friends of ours. The first night we were there we went out to a little bar that sold buckets of alcohol. So being the foolish college student I was, I sat down and drank 2 full buckets. By myself. This, of course, led to me leaning on my boyfriend as I stumbled back to the hotel. As I was swaying down the hallway, I swayed into my boyfriend, somehow hooked my pinky toe in his sandal (I was in adorable pink flip-flop kitten heels), and then stumbled away, snapping my toe in the process. I did what any rational drunk would do. I whipped around, yelled at my boyfriend for intentionally breaking my toe, and stomped on his foot. Not one of my prouder moments. Luckily he forgave me but I had to spend the rest of the week with my foot taped and propped up. Hope your foot starts feeling better soon!

Oh my, I have broken all of my toes (some of them multiple times)along with various other bones in my feet. I wish I could blame it on have long crazy feet but really it is sheer akwardness. You remember the scene from Ms. Congeniality when she just comes out from her make over and falls flat on her face? That is me (with thirty extra pounds. I once slipped on a flash card a broke my big toe.

I feel your pain, Heather.

i broke my pinky toe once too. the kitchen table attacked it. the doctor said there was nothing to be done and that i should just wait for it to heal. european doctors are sometimes lax like that. (not necessarily a bad thing!)

i love chuck

The thing about the media and those who think the media are blowing it out of proportion is: Let's say the media were not covering swine flu as much as they are. And then let's say the virus mutates into a very deadly strain and all hell breaks loose in a few months. This is not necessarily going to happen, but it is certainly a possibility; it's happened before.

I'll bet the same people who are all dismissive about the media coverage now would be ranting and raving thus: "The media! They ignored this! They kept it under wraps! It's a cover-up!"

Spiral fracture is a classic symptom of abuse. Obviously some dog has grabbed you by the small toe and twisted, investigators will be at your home soon, having been alerted by the doctor! Hope you feel much better soon.

I think my toes stayed curled up through that whole story. now they are paranoide. Lol

Do you lay in bed at night and crack yourself up? I couldn't be you. I would have a sore gut all the time from laughing out loud at my own thoughts. You are a riot!

Popsicle sticks & duct tape.
I'm just saying...

As long as we're all having fun sharing and one-upping each other and Heather, this reminds me of having to pull on waist-high compression stockings at 8 months pregnant because of horrifying varicose veins. I cannot even begin to describe what that process must have looked like to an observer. I will only say that it involved lying on my back on the bed, lots of grunting and swearing, and working up a sweat. And none of that in the good way.

Boots suck balls. It's true. But now you have one for the next time this happens. Does it make you limp because your legs are different lengths now? If that's the case, be careful...it can cause back pain.

If you don't plan on keeping it, can I suggest donating your boot to a place that gives them out to uninsured people? Those things can cost an arm and un-broken leg if you aren't insured.

I think the whole pandemic thing is total hype. Media-freaking hype. Tough economic times? Hey everyone, look over here at the monkey! Or - swine. Whatever.

Can I just say that the 9 months we actually had our child in a public school were THE unhealthiest in any of our lives? We haven't seen puke since we started home schooling, except for that one time, and we blamed that on the cheap rum. Harumph!

Close all the schools down, I say! Close them! They are nothing but seething, breeding petri dishes of virus, and they will only continue to get worse.

THIS HAPPENED TO ME!

About a year ago my fiance kidnapped the scarf I had just finished knitting and locked himself in the bedroom. I chased after him only to RUN INTO A COUCH and BREAK MY FOURTH TOE. Everyone asked me how I hurt myself and I had to tell them A COUCH DID IT. There is nothing more humiliating.

My toe was pointing completely in the wrong direction after that, though, so I had to go to the hospital immediately. (They didn't let me see my x-rays... how disappointing.)

Can't believe you bought into the whole SO YOU BROKE YOUR TOE NOW YOU NEED A BOOT TO PREVENT ANYMORE INJURIES TO THAT TOE thing. Remember they can't do anything for a broken toe??!! Well i bought into the whole "they can't do anything for you" and the pain was horrific for two months and now occasionally that middle toe that i dislocated sends nerve messages to my brain that scream bloody murder. Maybe the boot would have done me good. Denial was my savior and I'm sticking with it til the end. I feel for ya and hope it heels soon as you will be needing your feet in real good shape to put in the stirrups!!! Oh gosh I ramble.....

In all seriousness, I hope the toe gets better quickly.

However, in the most incredibly gross understatement of all time, Dooce is funny.

If it makes you feel any better, I broke my foot a few years by doing a cart wheel into a ping pong table. I'm not even kidding.

Ha. Last week I saw 3 different people panic-shopping at the SLC Costco. Two of them looked like they might spend a great deal of time defending the mouths of their private box canyons, but the other seemed perfectly normal.

The normal one had an entire cart loaded with Lysol, Wipes and Nyquil. As Nyquil probably wasn't going to save her from a deadly pandemic, I had to assume she planned to spend the next 3 months high.

You're so damn funny, it's magical!
I'd love to see you waddling around in your silly boot with your sausage fingers and puffy eyes.

I adore it when my cat stands on my foot. Though I can see liking it quite a bit less if my foot was throbbing and black.

First off just READING ABOUT about the toe/couch collision hurt my weary heart. SEEing it was downright pornographic.
Or graphic.
graphic violence!
yah. That's the word I was looking for.

Bossy can never see anything on -rays. Just like she can never see the baby in ultrasounds. Is that the penis? A hand? The protruding ass-hat, what?

Is it not strange that one person has now died from the swine flu and everyone wants to wear a mask and AIDS has killed millions and no one still wears a condom?????

Ohhhh I feel your pain. Well not really, but I'm in my third trimester too. I'm a mess :P

I think our toes are in cahoots. Mine are also long, and in constant search of things to run into, get stuck on, or both. One is crooked from a break that I never wore the boot for. So now, not only is it long, but crooked. Cute.

Hope you feel better soon! :)

Wow I hope you recover soon! My boyfriend once broke a toe too... he was playing soccer and some one kicked him really hard. At the hospital, I felt so sorry for him that I bought a gift and some chocolates for his lunch :-D

Get better, and post the xrays of your new toe!

Me, I have short toes, but they also reach out and grab things. I've broken the left little toe TWICE. 35 years apart. Must say as a little old lady, the recovery was much easier the second time around. I guess all those life experiences count for something when it comes to handling pain...

I can definitely relate to freakish toes. My left one hangs on top of the one beside it like its afraid to venture off. The good thing is I'll never have to worry about jamming it.

For the bloating, google 'watermelon granita' & make it. Or, just get yourself some watermelon & eat it. It will make you pee the fluid out.

I was breaking sandals with my swollen feet @ 35 weeks with MiniMe. I actually had to stop at DIllard's on my way to the OB because the puffiness of the feet had snapped my sandals. I just couldn't waddle around as the actual cliche.

I had a fractured bone in my foot after giving birth. dr said it was becuz of the extra poundage I put on and the fact that I was in retail so I was on my feet alot before I gave birth. first:that's insulting...and 2nd:I have to take care of a newborn with a big ass boot on my foot. so I cheated. I only wore it for like a week -during the day....when people were around.
in other words...
I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

What disease does a sick pirate have?

SAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS.

Sorry, someone said SARs in the Momversation and I HAD TO DO IT.

A boot for a broken pinky toe? Sounds like crazy overkill. I've broken mine a few times and never needed more than a splinting to the next toe. Go see a podiatrist for a second opinon. Physicians never know what the hell they're doing when it comes to broken toes.

You poor thing! As always, you crack me up, even in your extreme pain.

I hope the toe heals soon!

And...America is ****ing crazy when it comes to paranoia. It's like it's not happy unless it's cracked out on being terrified of The. Next. Big. Thing.

::runs around in circle screaming:: SWINE FLU! OMIGOD! SWINE FLU!

...Just wash yer damn hands. lol.

^^This, coming from the obsessive-compulsive freak.

I had a headache and felt tired last week and almost threw the entire room into a panic! Haha. People are definitely worried about the swine flu out of proportion to the negative effects it's had so far. But maybe, with the economy being so scary, it gives people something else to focus on.

I, err, risk panicking you further... but if you are retaining fluid around your eyes, in your face etc, you should speak to someone medical about pre eclampsia. I got it right towards the end of my pregnancy, and it was pretty weird. I looked like a blob, but I thought that was normal. Only my mum expressed concern, and she turned out to be right dammit. Giving birth was good for a number of reasons (epidural? I love you!) but one of the reasons was that I got my hands back.
(And I didn't have headaches or vision distortion, so I thought I was just fine. I wasn't, the gits induced me...)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/may/05/swine-flu-panic

OMG you make me feel SOO much better sometimes. I have one of those toes - it places itself under rapidly descending heavy objects, reaches out to grab and impale itself on any and all metal equipment and/or furniture.

And of COURSE we don't get it treated right away - it's not significant enough to go to the ER and wait seven hours to see just the triage nurse - it's stupid to go two days later to the doctor's when it's just a 'little' broken - and so when people make a big deal out of WHY didn't you get the swollen, blackened and AGONIZING digit see earlier...

Well, like you, it's difficult to explain. Thanks for sharing your pain, sister!

Feelin' your pain sistah! Broken many a toe... Broke my pinky toe once riding a skateboard in a friend's basement (It was a party... I was drunk... cut me some slack!). Crushed it between the dryer and the skateboard. X-Games here I come!

Spiral broke mah big toe once running in the dark when I was a lifeguard 20 years ago. Kicked a pile of dirt. When I got to the ER, the very handsome ER doctor said to me was, "Nice tan... you're going to get skin cancer." Of course in my 16 year old genius I replied... "Thanks Doc!" like he'd just told me I was Cindy Crawford or something. I worked hard on that tan!

Hi Heather,

Love your blog and am a virgin commenter but had to speak up as I SO SO SO feel your pain.

When I was 8.5 months with my first I was walking the darling but disobedient dog and found myself having to chase her out of someone else's yard. It was up a small slope which I promptly fell down, caught my foot in a storm grate at the bottom, and of course my whale of a body just kept sliding with the leg still stuck-- snap, crackle pop in the knee. Hobbled home, using said dog as a crutch, and thought "It's just sore but perhaps I should get it looked at". One hip to ankle cast later, I was NOT happy. Being that front heavy on crutches is not fun. Not to mention we had just moved to Hong Kong, I had no friends, no mummy and no shoulders to cry on -- or beat with a crutch out of frustration. Of course, my son came early, at 36 weeks and the cast had to stay on. When my water broke and gushed blue liquid on the floor, after my initial freak out, I realized it was just all the ink from the scribbles on the cast. Birth plan out the window, garbage bags stuffed around the cast to keep it dry and a Chinese cab driver who can't speak or read english trying to find my hospital --- I'm thinking "this is really not what I imagined."

Of course, I can look back at it all and laugh now, so thanks for the reminder! Just think 'she' is extra-special already simply due to these circumstances that you will now never forget. For me, I realize now that the drama of the pregnancy was a clear indicator of the little personality coming in to my life :)

Good luck converting the waddle to a hobble!

ANDY DICK, RUN! Word.

He was the "celebrity guest" at a grilled cheese Sandwich eating contest I attended at Venice Beach.

He started signing t-shirts, and, umm, pretty much everyone started leaving. Then, staring directly at my friend's chest, he asked if anyone wanted their boobs signed.

Gross.

The sad thing was he said it like it wasn't a joke. But like a helpful suggestion as in, "surely you wouldn't want to leave this beach having wasted the opportunity to have my signature printed on your tit."

You don't like the boot? I've worn the boot a couple of times. Still have one in my closet just in case I decide to mangle a toe again.

As for the Flu - I seriously believe if more people watched horror movies, they would know this is HARDLY the worst infection you can get...

I just have to say that I LOVE how your mind works...whereas I would just say "I stubbed my toe and it hurt" you compare yours to teenage boys mailbox smashing!!! GENIUS! I am sorry your toe is broke and you are so swollen...but you made my day when I read "CAN I SUCK ON YOUR EYE?" LMAO

OMG!! Our toes must know each other!! My pinky toes are deformed because I have rammed them into countless table legs, walls, heater grates, etc. THe last damage I did to my toe had me wearing one of those lovely blue boots too. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed my toe had to start a fight with the corner of the wall. The blinding pain made me fall into bed where I clutched my toe as if it might fall off. Woke up in the a.m. and found a puddle of blood in the sheets. My toes wasn't warm because it hurt, it was warm because not only did I break it- I thought I didn't need it at all and why don't I just rip it off my foot completely. One week later I went to the Dr. and he sold me a $50 boot I never hardly wore.

My sister in law recently fell backwards off of a stair (ONE STAIR) and landed on her elbow. On the concrete. While chasing her two year old who thought it was fun to run the opposite direction. While nine months pregnant. That was a bad day.

Another sympathetic commenter also in my 3rd trimester. As yet, no boot. Now I'm a little paranoid about my pinky toes, one of which is already all messed up when I stubbed and didn't break it, but tore all the muscles up so the thing still looks all sad and gimpy.

But I have started sporting a couple of very trendy wrist splints this week to deal with my pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel. I look kind of like a boxer or a weight lifter, or maybe someone who thinks fingerless gloves have come back into style. Either way, I feel at least some of your pain.

I love the way you say "SWINE FLU" you rock, Heather!

I thought you looked on the verge of tears while taping On the Record. This might explain it.

I so feel your pain in the toe department. I have broken the same pinkie toe twice and mine are very small pinkie toes. It is not about the size of the toes. It is a sly furniture conspiracy. And I retain a lot of water regularly, but not with pregnancy as I have no children. I get to a point where I am either afraid someone will come near me with a sharp instrument and cause a leak or I wish they would just to relieve the pressure.

Hitting the pinkie toe can be akin to having your balls smacked. Not that I have balls, but I get that sickening feeling in my gut as I writhe around, and imagine it to be much the same.

I was in denial about an infected wisdom tooth, thinking I could just squeeze pus out of it occasionally and pop some Motrin to make the pain go away.

Three months, four courses of antibiotics, a swollen head and a visit to Igor the Drilling Oral Surgeon later...I'm finally healed. My husband said I paid mightly for my denial.

I posted photos of my Chipmunk Cheek ... I think your readers deserve at least ONE classic video of your pregnant ass lurching around the house in that boot! PLEASE??? LOL!

I have been pregnant and I have broken my toe. I am glad that these two things did not occur at the same time. I am so sorry this happened to you. The good thing is it will be pretty much healed by the time the baby arrives. Get lots of rest and pamper yourself. Best Wishes.

Love the video commentary. I just returned from Mexico last week, where people were taking everything in stride. Returning to Canada was like walking into a screaming throng of panicked idiots...people are actually afraid of me. NOT THAT SERIOUS people. Geez.

Get better soon!

Yes, it seems this strange illness called "the panics" is even more contagious than some pig flu I vaguely heard about last week. ;)

As for the broken pinky toe--you SO remind me of one of my sister-in-laws. We used to work together eons ago and about every four months or so she'd come in to work wearing fab clothes (as usual) and ugly-ass sneakers. Yup, it was toe crunching season once again.

Pregnancy plus sausage fingers plus broken toe and a BOOT? Good gods, Heather, I think the Universe needs to give you a break!

p.s. I just finished reading "It Sucked and Then I Cried". Besides wanting to thank you for writing the whole book, thank you for including those adorable baby photos! My daughter keeps asking me to turn to the photos so she can look at "that cute baby" :) And? I sucked it up and went back on the antidepressants. Don't know why my brain chemistry isn't adjusting to the fact that it's Spring, but it's not. If having to keep taking the pills means I'll stop screeching at everyone, I'll take 'em.

I, too, suffer from Fragile Toe Syndrome. I've broken every toe except my big ones, mostly from tripping over my husband's shoes (which lie about in random patterns all over the house). I've also been known to trip on low-pile carpet and whoops! there goes another one. Last time I tweaked a toe, the man said, "Another one? What'd you do, trip on air?" And damn if he wasn't right.

Oh heavens girl... pregnant and a broken toe...I'm feeling the pain for you.

I am also a member of this prestigious club. I broke my toe tripping over the comforter for our bed. Yes, you read that right. I was changing the sheets, walking from one side to the other and tripped over the comforter on the floor. While talking to the doc to make an appt., I bumped it on the desk. I thought I was in labor again.

We went to an out of town football game the next day. The boot was quite flattering to my jeans.. um.. yah.. Anyways, a 3 year old kid in the row in front of me was swinging his arms and jumping around and you guessed it, landed on the toe. It was all I could do to get out of the bleachers, go to the bathroom and scream. It was like labor all over again.

It's amazing how many of us share the same kinds of stories.

Hang in there. Soon this will be a memory that you all will laugh about for the rest of your life - seriously! Best of luck to you.

I was hoping to see an image of Jesus or the Blessed Mother int he x-ray image.

Oh Heather, you poor woman! I feel your pain. I've always put it down to being clumsy, but you're right, you know.... wayward digits and extremities and evil inanimate objects. I thought you might like a look at this... aired here in the UK a couple of weeks ago. Go with it... he gets to the point in the end, and, I kinda think he does have a point! Sort of works too, if you 'think' it cos you can't be assed to get to grips with the carpentry (not that I tried it, you understand!)... would have to be pretty big box though to accomodate a sofa (but the effort and satisfaction may well be worth it!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCnZ7cn5tWI

You're looking good... try to take things easy... it'll all hit the fan soon enough.... good luck ;-)

My dog just broke the same toe! Her break looked almost identical! But she broke hers during a freak-out over a thunderclap.

Speaking of stubbing toes, my daughter and I were just outside and she stubbed her toe not once but twice. Poor thing.

Hope you're able to get some quality nesting time in!

Ugh. I manage to break my toes whenever I have too much going on, it's like my body's fallback plan for slowing me down. The most breaks: I once managed to crush my two smallest toes on my left foot, simply by accidentally kicking a doorway. The pinky toe bones had to be scootched out of my foot back into the empty skin-sack that was my toe, as I had actually managed to bash them up into the main part of my foot. Walking: there are hidden dangers. I nearly fell in love with the doctor who gave me Vicodin, a sweet old man with hairs that grew out of moles on his neck.

I take issue with the idea that (paraphrasing, here) "we're not doing our kids any harm by protecting them needlessly." Because it is harmful to inadvertently teach kids that they are fragile creatures, incapable of handling the world's dangers. We do them harm if we keep them from fun, harmless parties because we're a bit nervous.

How much do I love thee, this is but one of the ways.

HA, HA, HA. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

I just loved the nesting comment at the end with the adrenaline and eight ball reference. Ah, that takes me back. Good times -- between the broken pinky toe (been there), super nesting (done that), and the eight ball (well, let's just say I make good use of some severance pay when I was young and dumb), I loved it.

I am going to watch the Momversation on Swine Flu, now. Jeez. It's flu. More people die from REGULAR SEASONAL FLU!

I was at the doctor's office this week. "Any upper respiratory symptoms?," they asked each patient. One poor guy had some sinus problem and they handed him the dreaded mask. "Is this to wear HERE? Now?" Poor guy. Branded!

That sucks about your toe...especially since you are pregnant. I gained about 50 lbs with my first and 60 with my second. I can't imagine having to walk around with that extra weight on a broken toe.

On top of this my husband decided at least 3 times to fry hotdogs...which of course he had never done before...even after I threw up the first time and told him never to do it again.

I'm sorry. I was unable to finish reading the remainder of the post at the mention of Andy Dick.

Yikes, that looks awfully familiar...

Take my advice and wear the boot. Stay off of it if they tell you to. Don't go, say, on a 3 day breast cancer walk when they tell you not to. Because it will never heal correctly and it will hurt every day. Hurt. Every. Day.

OMG, dude, I feel your pain. I broke my heel while pregnant with my second child. And I had to wear a hard cast, in Texas, during May, June, and July. Hope it heals quickly. Keep the boot on, or you too will get to have a regular old stinky cast.
GK

Sorry about the toe. Over my many years I either seperated the pinky or Big toe on a piece of ugly furniture OR FALLEN OFF MY KEDS twisting my ankle, at least 3 to 4 times a year. My husband even got a job as a Sales Rep for a company that made the ugly BOOT to save money! And I used to be graceful - even a Cheerleader! The older you get the worse it gets.

Chicken salad from "The Store" is the second best medicine. The best chicken salad is a secret Recipe.

Good luck - I really look forward to your posts and saw you on some Sunday morning interview show. You were great. It was either you or "Music and The Spoken Word"! Your interview saved me.

Take care!

LOL. I just love the part where you "snort" like a pig in the intro! I must have watched just that part 50 times. ;)

Hi! I've lurked for years and this is my very first comment. First off - my god you have long toes. Secondly, it's always something stupid, isn't it? I broke my ring finger on my right hand. Not hang-gliding, skydiving or trying to save a puppy from drowning, but trying to grab my Blackberry as it was falling out of my hand. And I have equipment replacement insurance! I hit my finger on the couch arm and bent it sideways at a 90 degree angle. Long story short, knuckle fracture and months of physical therapy. I still can't bend my finger because apparently, it was splinted too long. Don't ever break a finger! Love your site!

Your comments on Swine Flu = Comic Gold

Wait a minute! You know what it feels like to snort an eight ball of cocaine?!?! Why is no one else impressed by this?