The second second trimester
Sometimes life rolls along such that Jon and I do not even realize how different it is to live with a child who can communicate her needs and understand that others around her have their own. We get up in the morning, pour her a bowl of cereal, and settle in for a peaceful breakfast, forgetful that a few years ago the same half hour was spent not in pleasant silence but in screams, wild gestures, puddles of juice, and tears because not everyone in the house used the same language. We spoke in English. She spoke in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You.
And then days like yesterday happen when she is so physically and emotionally tired from having played with her friend for most of the day that the portions of her brain in control of language are too fried to make connections, too spent to send the right word down through her mouth and the only thing that makes it out is a cannonball of indiscriminate consonants. And what should have been a pleasant dinner together was instead a good hour of CANNNNNN'T! WONNNNNN'T! to a hearty rhythm of DONNNNNN'T! All because a bean was touching a piece of cheese, and in case you didn't know, such is the recipe for the end of the world.
I will admit to resorting to this kind of behavior when I am that tired, but the difference is that the adults around me are more than welcome to tell me to shut up. As her loving and doting parents, we are discouraged from using such language with Leta, and so we have had to get a little more creative: "stop it," "cut it out," "if you don't stop screaming I'll staple your lips together."
The frequency of these types of tantrums has decreased dramatically in the last year, but when they do occur Jon and I experience an uncomfortable yet familiar panic, and one if not multiple parts of our bodies will twitch with the memory of those endless nights spent pacing the creaky wooden floors of our old house, of not knowing if the screaming would ever end. Sometimes they give me full body shivers that start at the top of my neck and move slowly down through my toes, a physical manifestation of the realization that somehow I made it out alive having lost only a few gallons of blood.
And yes, I know we're headed right back into those endless, sleepless nights, but ah hah! I am now fluent in Utter Discontent! I can conjugate the verbs and assign the right pronouns! And there is even the tiniest possibility that this baby might not be as skillful a screamer, which sort of brings up all sorts of things that might be different this time around. What if this one actually likes dogs? What if she eats food? What would it be like to live with a kid who likes to be cuddled?
Conversely, what if this one isn't as good a sleeper? What if this one likes to climb furniture? What if this one is actually curious about light sockets?
Of course, we have no idea, and such is the risk and adventure of parenthood. But these risks and these sacrifices, I think, are a fundamental component of this unique experience that has given me more insight and understanding into other human beings than any other of my life. And all of this is to say thank God we chose to have children. Thank God for those endless, sleepless nights. Because I now know what I know. Because raising Leta more than anything else in my life has helped me piece together the puzzle of what it means to be human. I understand my own childhood so much better, understand my own parents so much better, and there is so much about myself that I have tried to improve that I didn't know I needed to improve until I was reduced to a late night pair of pacing legs.
So much more makes sense now, and I don't know if there is any other way I could have gained this type of insight into life. And I think this is what a lot of us are talking about when we say it feels like we were let into a secret club, a club we didn't know existed until we got here, like we had no idea there was this much to know until our children showed it all to us.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Shannon said:
My two girls are as different as night and day and it is so much fun! My first was the "easy child" and the second is known as "Hurricane Elise". Still good but like a hurricane, if that makes sense.
2. Ash said:
Almost makes me want to have kids.... almost. Maybe someday soon. Until then, I'll live vicariously through you.
3. Anonymous said:
I had forgotten how my children learned from each other until I saw it happening in my granddaughters. It's "monkey see, monkey do" time for the most part. The 2nd child is so much easier in so many ways, not the least that you know they won't break if you aren't the most perfect person to have a child! And easier b/c the older one shows them the way and understands the 2nd one and interprets for the 2nd one.
4. Janet said:
How very wonderful for you. Your family is blessed.
5. Gypsy said:
I am 7 weeks pregnant with my first child and I am 35. I have eight nieces and nephews, and most of my friends have kids. Yet, I still feel that I am as helpless as a pregnant 14 year old. Reading you makes me feel a little saner about the thoughts that go screaming through my head, every minute of every day. You know, the ones that shout "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH A KID???"
6. Elda said:
I have four kids now... The first one was nothing short of what you just described. Sometimes, I stop and take in their different temperaments and I am amazed that we continued to have MORE kids after the first one drove us to the point of insanity.
I just hope that when it's his turn to have kids, he gets one that makes his hair fall out. LOL
7. Cissy said:
I grew up with a sister 2 years older than me, and a sister 1 year younger than me. I've always used the same analogy to describe us. If you created a triangle shaped map of personality, the three of us would be sequestered to the three points, our personalities are all so different. But like the lines that connect those dots, we all share some of the same tendencies, too. :)
Congrats to your family, well wishes to you all.
8. TamiA said:
I had the same moment when I had my kids. And now I keep telling my mom how much I made her suffer, and what a great mom she is and thank you and I'm secretly waiting for that moment to come when I become a grandmother. I believe that's what people call "The circle of life"? Crazy stuff.
9. Kathleen said:
You might almost have me convinced, were it not for the fact that I spent this past weekend babysitting my 4-year old niece and 5-year old autistic nephew while their parents were in Vegas. I know, I am the best Sister/Sister-in-law ever, and yes, they owe me BIGTIME!!!
10. Teva said:
Thank you for writing this...I'm pregnant with my first baby and hearing something like this makes me that much more excited about being a mom!
11. Jennifer said:
This child will be completely and totally different from Leta. That is just how it works. My parents LOVE to tell stories of how different my brother and I were as babies. I was a very happy, easy going and sweet baby while my brother was needy, difficult and discontented. We both turned out to be rational, functioning members of society...although the jury may still be out as far as my brother is concerned. Hee hee...
12. drhielle said:
I'm a married twenty-something who hasn't figured out whether or not to have children. But I gotta say, if parenthood were a drug, I'd totally experiment. It sounds like a mind-blowing experience.
13. jenstate said:
"She spoke in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You."
Best sentence ever to describe it. My daughter used this dialect for two years. I will never forget the agony of it or the lessons learned. Thanks for a great post.
Jennifer
14. Pogo said:
yes...it is a secret club, and opens up absolutely everything in your life, whether you want it to or not.
15. Laura said:
Reading this, I feel much better about holding onto the tiny creature currently residing in my reproductive organs.
16. JR said:
Just became a member. Loving it more than I ever imagined. Thank you so much for sharing your life and motherhood. You are part of the reason why I decided to jump in. I am eagerly awaiting your experiences with two.
17. ktjane said:
that is so sweet!
18. Heather said:
Oh, I used to feel that way!!! Until they turned into teenagers!!! God, I miss tantrums...who would've thought!?!
19. cyndy said:
I don't really know what to say right now. At the moment, I am just kinda speechless. It's like you went inside my brain and you articulated all the thoughts that have been swirling around in the soup that parenthood has been slowly simmering in my brain since my daughter was born four years ago. Her father and I didn't make it past those screaming nights...the four months of HELL on fire collic, that kept us from sleeping more than 2 hours in one shot. We separated when my daughter was two. Ah, I didn't want to get into all of that. All I want to say is thanks. Thank you for being so f'n real and for saying what I never knew how to say. I probably won't have the chance to do it again, being 42 and all...but there have been times when I dared to dream....What if?
20. CANADASTEPH said:
That's why I secretly call my children "sweet bastards". They wring us dry and bring out the best in us. At the same time it is the hardest thing and the best thing. Dammit they better take care of me when I'm old!
21. Sarah said:
The second one is easier. Or so my friends with more than one child tell me. Me? I'm still too scared to find out :)
22. Angel said:
The good news is....kids are never alike....they may be similiar....but never alike.
The bad news is.....they feed off of one another's behavior. And every bad behavior of ANY other child, manifests onto the other one.
Just wait until Chuck starts herding Coco.....it'll happen.
My first child was so easy. Had I had my daughter first, I never would have had sex AGAIN. EVER. Thank God she got out of that screaming and yelling stage. Now the youngest, my other son, he's just sarcastic as hell~and I know my Mother is somewhere..in Heaven...laughing her ass off.....cause this shit comes back on you! Karma.
23. the mighty jimbo said:
frankly, i fear i'm far too much of a selfish, narcissistic bastard for kids.
i'm told, however, that kids have a knack at solving that very problem.
again, thanks for continuing to share your adventure.
24. Craftastrophe said:
My 2nd was a lot like Leta (and still is with the same kind of tantrums - they're the same age). If we had him first, I doubt there would have been a second. My first was amazing. Cried only when hungry, nursed like a champ, slept loads. Wishful thinking your next will be sweet justice and a huge change from Leta's babyhood. I know your pain!
25. Amber said:
Well said. Not well enough to make me want to be a part of this secret club you speak of, but still.
And now I will call my mother and wait for her heartfelt thanks. :)
26. Jill S. said:
Yes. Of all what you said, yes. I'd have said the same thing but you do it so much more eloquently. I have 3 girls, by the way. My first was a nightmare baby, and I do mean NIGHTMARE. She's now a beautiful, smart, articulate WONDERFUL teen. Thank God we procreated two more times ...
27. Melanie said:
The only thing you can for sure count on is that they will be different from one another as night and day. It took 6 years and an "oops" one night for the second one to come along because the infant stage with the first was SO HARD.
The second was a sleep-through-the-night, eat all his veggies, sweet, snuggly kid. Everything the first was not.
I'll keep them both, but god knows how they both came out of me, they're so different from one another!
28. Tracy said:
I heart you. Per usual, you say exactly what I think & fear most in life. The reasons you list are precisely why I am both leery of & determined to have baby #2. What if baby #2 sucks? Those "what ifs" can go both ways, and you never know what you're going to get unless you just go for it. Right? Right. But, parenthood is without question the best thing I've ever done, answers the question of why I'm on this planet, and if ever there was a reason to be the absolute best version of me that I can be, it's for my gorgeous Ellis. I so hope that your new baby is a cuddler, though, because it's the best thing ever :)
29. Rachael said:
I am the oldest of four children, and I am convinced that had there been better contraception back then my parents would have stopped after me. I think that I was "challenging" to say the least - apparently had terrible temper tantrums and nobody could figure out what to do with me. One of my earliest memories is as a three year old and being so angry that I picked up a stool and threw it through a glass door. I remember that immediately afterwards there was an eerie calm and I felt fantastic!!! Of course all sorts of hell then broke loose!
You wrote a beautiful post, one to send to my mother!
30. Jennifluff said:
You'll be just fine. The second time around, it seems to go by so much faster. I think that just knowing the screaming will end, and knowing that yes, one day you will sleep more than 3 hours in a row is comforting and makes the whole experience a little more doable, dare I say enjoyable.
My boys are so different. My eldest was the difficult baby. I was TERRIFIED to have another kid after him because he took all of my energy all of the time. But I knew I wanted two kids, and I knew he'd be a great big brother. And my youngest is so much different, THANK GOD. He's not easy, but he's different. And the icing on the cake is that they totally get along. Leta will be an awesome big sister.
31. Anonymous said:
You are brilliant and articulate as always. I am recently married to my second husband. I had four young children when we got together...he had none. He has struggled over the last year to learn to accept that our kids will not and cannot appreciate us as parents...not until they are parents. It is not something a person can comprehend until they are in it. I love my parents more with every day I experience as a parent. He has found a new deep respect for his step father...now that he is a step father. It is just the way of it.
32. Lori said:
Ah, yes. My son didn't sleep for more than 90 minutes in a row for the first 18 months of his life. I would have happily traded my husband for 8 hours sleep.
My daughter, born 10 full years later (it took that long to get the courage up) slept through the night on her first night home from the hospital, and every night after that. Of course, when she was three, she crawled into bed with me and spent at least part of every night there until she was 11, but all was quiet.
I often wonder how much of my own anxiety affected them. I felt so inadequate with my son (I was inadequate -- I was a teenager) and I was afraid all the time. With my daughter, I was afraid only part of the time.
I learned recently that the most important thing we can do for our children's self-esteem is to have fun with them. The psychologist I interviewed put it something like this: "Their parents are the greatest people in the world to them, and if even their parents think they're fun, they eventually go off to school feeling like they're pretty fun people."
I wish I'd have known that when I was raising my kids. I would have done a lot less worrying about their self-esteem and their grades, and a lot more playing. I would have thought a lot less about getting ahead, and a lot more about getting happy.
So, Heather and Jon and Leta ... I wish you happiness. And I know that the happiness you experience will translate into a happy, healthy wee one.
33. Rachel said:
I have two boys who somehow manage to be both completely different, and yet exactly alike. I frequently wonder how we could have created these two little beings who are so uniquely their own personalities out of what is essentially the exact same genetic matter! Seriously?! How did they get so different?
34. d3 voiceworks said:
Our girl is a bit older than yours, I think (5 in early February) and much of the time that "cacophonous dialect of Fuck You" behavior is present. She's regressing as the due date nears, so I suppose you ought not get too comfortable. It drives us completely batty. Or maybe it drives ME completely nuts. Regardless, every day is a new day. Maybe that's kinda like what you're saying.
I'm hoping the brother will help shift things after what I anticipate will be a rough road of adjustment from Center of Universe.
Zoiks!
35. Jessica said:
I am so excited for you. You are right - children teach us SO much. My 3 year old was such a good baby that if I were able to have another, I worry it would be satan's spawn. ;) I cannot imagine raising 2 alone so I happily embrace the one I was blessed with. I wish for you a baby who sleeps through the night at 4 weeks of age and who is curious but not too much of a handful!
*hugs*
36. Emily said:
What a great post. Really, thanks.
37. Kristan said:
What a lovely post. :)
Sometimes you make me terrified to ever become a parent, and then sometimes you make me... well, ever so slightly less terrified, with a side of Maybe It Won't Completely Suck.
Thanks!
38. Amy H said:
extremely well put.
39. Anonymous said:
There's some sort of weird cosmic balance when it comes to acutely temperamental children: I never, ever hear of anyone who is blessed with one, having two.
It's natures way of keeping everybody alive.
40. Karin said:
awesome. absolutely wonderful post. I agree wholeheartedly!
FWIW, we have one of each of the small human variety here, and although they are quite different in personality, they are very similar in temperment. that may have more to do wth the fact they are redheads, and grab life by the horns with every single move they make.
at the end of the day, the real beauty of having more than one small person is the endless source of entertainment.
41. Michelle S said:
What to "they" say, nothing worthwhile comes easily?? They show us a whole new world that has all the screaming, pacing, spitting food, they also bring us the greatest love known to man. I loved your post today!
42. Aisha said:
It's stuff like this that makes me love reading your blog. Thank you for being willing to share your life with us.
I may or may not be ridiculously sentimental and peppy right now 'cause of that inauguration thing.
43. Heide said:
That is such a great description of parenthood. Thank you for verbalizing the highs and lows of such an amazing journey.
44. Joe said:
Well, I will tell you that when my son was born, it was 6 full months of no sleep, what seemed like endless crying, and two adults asking themselves why in the hell would they want to be parents. Then my daughter was born and behold - total silence. One wake-up per night. Slept soundly.
I wish the same for you.
45. Lindsey (Yankee Girl Designs) said:
Dooce Got Me Knocked Up!!!
I made that "Wired Mama" necklace and sent it off to you a few weeks ago and god help me the other day I found out that I'm pregnant w/ my first child! After months and months of trying it's finally happend, I think sending you the necklace is what did it :)
46. Anna said:
Oh my gosh! I haven't heard of anyone else talking about that recurring panic. I know it well, but instead of it centering on crying, for me it centers on sleep. My husband and I spent our son's first seven months last year waking up every hour or two all night every night, and during the day he would fight sleep and fight sleep and when he finally, mercifully dropped off, he would often wake crying just a few minutes later, just about the time my blood pressure came out of the rafters. It was inexpressibly horrible and hard, and I learned two things: to fly into a panic when he wouldn't go to sleep, and to hoard and protect my precious little bits of sleep. I still do both even though he is a much, much better sleeper. It would be swell to get past that.
You are right, though, about what we learn from our children. It is an almost magical process, watching these tiny people master the essentials, and gradually the complexities, of being human. And it's really an honor to be the people most responsible for caring for them and teaching them until they are old enough to make their own mark on the rest of the world.
47. Mandy said:
Reading this reminds me that being a parent is a learning process. That you don't know it all right out of the gate. Being a person who must know EVERYTHING before jumping into it, I need these reminders. There really aren't crib notes for parenthood (no matter how big that section in Barnes & Noble is).
This reminds me that I will do just fine when my child comes along. Thank you for that.
Much love to you and your growing family.
48. Anonymous said:
My sister and I are so different, we might as well be living on separate planets. Is it possible that siblings who are similar to each other in taste and temperament are actually the exception?
49. corrin said:
I am so happy my husband and I have decided not to have children. We like kids just fine, we just don't have the paternal instinct to see the experience of child-rearing as life affirming and enlightening.
50. Lana Wood said:
Hi Heather,
Congratulations to Leta on her impending big sisterhood!
I am not, nor do I plan to become, a parent, but I get "the secret club" thing. I got a taste of it caring for nieces and nephews when I was in high school and the closest thing my family had to a responsible adult, a terrifying thing to contemplate in retrospect, but nothing we questioned at the time.
What I think the secret club comes from is from being responsible for the well being of another human being. Knowing that if you fuck up, someone else is fucked. I, and other people I know who have been through it got that from caring for dying parents. It is amazing how much you can accomplish in a day, how organized you can be, how clear priorities can become, and how in the process you become a "Steve Austin" version of yourself; "Better, stronger, faster." To learn how to be selfless, and not resent it, and to take pleasure in small miracles every day.
P.S. I love your dogs, I don't care if one is species confused and the other eats poop. They make me smile every day.
51. Sue said:
So, speaking as a mom whose first unsleeping, still-relentless child (who may be part demon, but hubby and I are still arguing over whose side of the family that comes from) you quite possibly will have a second child who is sleep, food, and dog loving. For me, it was hard not to imagine my second child as anything but a carbon copy of my first. But even though they are of the same parents, gene pool, and all of that - they are two very different kids.
Still wishing you all the best!
52. Kate said:
Heather, this speaks so much to my experience of becoming a mother and then subsequently becoming a whole(r) person...and the horrible, awful, pit of despair (refiner's fire?) that journey was. I would *sheepishly* like to share with you what I wrote about it...although, I will warn you, it is in a letter to my daughter, in a format which is 100% stolen from you and your wonderful letters to Leta. [as a sidenote, I think it is a wonderful, beautiful, helpful and healthful thing to do, and I hope many more mothers and fathers steal it as well.] http://tigerbug.blogspot.com/2008/10/new-adventures-in-growing-up-dear.html
Thank you for being a good mom, and for helping the rest of us as we all create our own journeys. I have no doubt that, whatever struggles your new little one will bring, you, and your whole family, will be just fine.
53. Jennifer W. said:
Perfect description of an indescribable experience. Parenthood has thus far been the most amazing, most difficult most emotionally charged and draining experience I could never have imagined until I went through it. I love everything about her, every minute of every day. Even the screaming and scratching. Amazing. Congratulations on Girl #2!!
54. Katie said:
Thank you for saying what is quite often hard to describe to non-parents.
55. Kris said:
I'm stuck in the early stages of the screaming that never ends, with a very colicky 5-month-old child. We affectionately call him The Tyrant.
Here's wishing you much rest with baby #2.
56. Colleen said:
I have the answer to your musing about light sockets. If she is curious about light sockets, your husband will most likely let her stick a screwdriver in one not once, but twice in a half-hour period. Yeah.
57. Puanani said:
I remember having that moment of revelation regarding my mother. "Oh, she was just a woman who happened to have kids...I see." It was so liberating to let her off the hook as I struggled communicating with my son who was fluent in Utter Discontent. He still is sometimes, but he is 15 now, so I can communicate more clearly with him, if you get my drift!
58. jana said:
I am three weeks into life with my second, and BOY did I need to hear this.
59. Anonymous said:
As to this "secret club"... I suppose the same could be said of my husband and me and our situation. So many people HAVE kids that by NOT having them, we've become part of a much more exclusive secret club. One that affords just as many, if not different, opportunities to learn, grow, and change.
60. Coleen said:
Thanks. I needed to hear this!
61. all things BD said:
For me, parenthood crystallizes the idea that all the crap I used to worry about is just that: crap. It's not important, it's not CRUCIAL, it's not life or death. It's minutae, it's myriad details of daily life and I simply cannot fathom how I ever lived giving them so much importance.
My girls, my husband, taking a walk on a crisp fall day, playing a game of Uno, buying a box of Strawberry Shortcake bandaids because they are the cure for everything. THESE are the things that matter.
You are an amazing mom and an amazing writer. Rock on.
62. Aime Malcolm said:
My two boys are four years apart and get along great 95% of the time. That's saying a lot because one is 9 and the other is 13. They prefer to play with each other over friends many times.
63. mpotter said:
boy, you've got a way with words.
our little bean also speaks the language of utter discontent. only, i'm not very fluent in it.
yes... the pacing- how will i ever forget those hours??
but even moreso than your way with words is your ability to grasp your life. that last paragraph & 1/2 had me speechless. and jealous. i am so very not introspective or insightful. and this whole mothering gig hasn't hit me quite that way. she's 6 months old and i've heard people say that type of stuff. but i have yet to feel it.
but it's awesome that you are coming out so ahead.
The Mr. & i have said on several occasions that if people had first children like our littlebean, there would be a lot less kids in the world.
but i've read about leta & see that you had some very similar issues with her. so i look very forward to reading about princess aurora. kudos to you guys for making your family that much better.
i hope she'll be a wonderful & seamless addition to your lives. and here's hoping she'll be a calm baby who enjoys sleep!
64. Brenda Kidman said:
This post is so true!
You think being a parent is great though, just wait until you are a grandparent. It just doesn't get any better!
65. Kelly said:
My first was a lot like Leta. He made me wait nearly five years before having my second. She was so fun that I had a third about 20 months later. Either the babies are getting easier, or I'm becoming a better parent and completely fucked my oldest kid up. Jury's still out.
66. Heidi said:
Believe it or not...the second one teaches you things too. They are different lessons, but still very good ones.
My second time around was much breezier (not sure if it was my improved mental state or my second's easy way), but it erased a lot of bad memories I had with my first. In a way, it eased the pain and disappointment I felt having not "enjoyed" my first child's newborn days. It gave me new perspective, and made me think back on those early, fumbling days of parenthood more fondly.
I'm hoping you and Jon are just as lucky the second time around!
67. Sherri said:
I had never thought about stapling my son's lips. Hhmm...it just might work. I have a five-year-old son and a 21-month-old daughter. Other than the obvious, they are nothing alike, and you're right: children help make sense of this whole crazy life thing. When my son was three, he announced, "Uncle Craig, I Has Angst." Yes, at three he was already internalizing his emotions. My daughter is much more palm side of her hand up in your face and "STOP IT" when you tell her that knives are not toys. And your stories about Leta always reassure me that my son is normal. For the first time ever yesterday, he did not freak out in a restaurant because THERE. WERE. CARROTS. ON. HIS. PLATE. Thank you Dooce for contributing to me being a happy Mom! I wouldn't trade this first job for anything in the world.
68. April said:
Oh, you almost changed my mind---in favor of having kids. Almost...
69. Hillary (no, not her) said:
Beautifully said, Heather!
Just think how much MORE flexible you will become after baby #2.
Best wishes to you and Jon.
70. Amy said:
What a great post. I'm dealing with my own emotions of being a parent for the first time and this helped put some of those into words. Best of luck with the rest of this pregnancy.
71. Erin said:
I've said it before and I'll say it again - 'Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken'. Amen.
72. Anna said:
After an especially trying day with my 3 sons all I can say is /cry!
73. Jen on the Edge said:
Mother Nature never ever gives you the same thing twice. Of all the families I know, I've never seen it any other way. If you had a good sleeper the first time around, you'll get an insomniac for Round 2. If you have a tough child the first time around, the second one will be easier.
My first was a crappy sleeper, but an easy toddler. My second was practically narcoleptic, she slept so much. That's because she was storing energy for her second year of life, when she damn near killed herself about a dozen times. I started going gray during one particular six week period when my #2 almost drowned at the beach (in spite of being attached to two adults), nearly ran off the edge of a mountain (again, attached to at least one adult), and ran into a field where a large pissed-off bull was hanging out.
Never again.
74. Michelle said:
Heather, there's going to be a baby boom shortly after your second daughter is born, because I am pretty sure you are giving all the women reading your blog baby fever.
I know I have it.
75. Casey said:
As so many have said ... you really nailed parenting through the toddler years. I am going through the screaming part of toddler life and am I ever learning what real patience is. To top it off, I am 25 weeks pregnant and experiencing a lot of discomfort, illness, and lack of patience mixed with mood swings. My first pregnancy was a breeze ... but then I didn't have a toddler at that time. Thanks for sharing. It encouraged me and reminded me I am not alone.
76. Dilyara said:
Amen!
77. Vanessa said:
Wow. I'm pregnant (13ish weeks) with number 2 as well except number 1 is only 15 months (am I out of my mind?!?!) and I have these horriying glimpses into sleepless nights, crying, etc...and I think...what have I gotten myself into again?
But as you said, becoming a parent comes with a whack load of insight into...um...pretty much everything.
I concur with this post.
78. Tori said:
Babies can smell fear I think that's how the first one gets the best of parents. I think this new little girl will be a polar opposite of Leta. You've already experienced the worst of the worst. You're medicating yourself this time around and I doubt you'll be contemplating the same things you were after Leta.
That's the best thing about babies is that you have no idea what your going to end up with. If the second is a cool cucumber then Leta will pick up on it. She's not going to have a complete personality change but she will calm down.
I can't wait to see what happens.
79. Suzanne said:
Wow Heather... thank you for that. As a young woman who is grappling with whether or not I'm ready to have kids (or whether it's worth it to have them at all), this post was somehow enlightening. I think I want to be a part of that secret club now (but maybe not for a couple more years ;D).
80. watercolor said:
I wish I was going to get to have kids. sigh.
Congratulations.
81. Tarynn said:
Beautiful words Heather. Being a parent is the most difficult, most rewarding job in the world. I think the thing that amazed/continues to amaze me the most is how completely different my two boys are. I expected so much more similarity and it was/is almost shocking how night and day they are in attitude, behaivor, the way they communicate with others. And then there are the lovely, touching moments when their "brotherness" is so apparent--when they curl up for a movie on the couch and tell each other "I love YOU the first most-ess," No, I love YOU the first mostn-ess" and I am so grateful for the beautiful boys they are and all the joy they have shown me was possible. I am so happy for you and your family and the wonderful adventures ahead...and so thrilled that you get to watch Leta spend her life with her new best friend. Lots of Love and Light.
82. kym b said:
Heather, my 1st was like Leta...and is no less difficult at (almost) 8. My 2nd is infinitely more laid-back and never had those multiple-hour-long screaming jags as a baby.
There is hope.
We have 3 now. Kids are awesome.
83. Kerri said:
Our first born was just like Leta...the first 4 years of her life were pure torture for her (and us) and it was completely unnecessary for us to child-proof the house. But at 5 it seems a light bulb went off and now she is calm, inquistive, & a general pleasure to be around. She still enjoys the occasional meltdown but the way we view it is she will be a strong & willful woman. Our second born is the complete opposite...a cuddler to the point of smothering, constantly telling us he loves us and we're his best friend. But the child is constantly in trouble. Yesterday he smeared half of his bedroom wall with 4 tubes of his sister's Chapstick (just because he wanted to). Good luck with number 2!!
84. Desiree Fawn said:
I very excited to be joining this 'secret society' soon. Three days til my due date. Oh my.
85. aimee said:
thank you for this. i am just entering this tricky territory with my 18 month old. i was having so much fun with him and now, frankly, i'm not.
i needed to hear what you had to say today, heather.
86. Lori McBride said:
Love it, love it, LOOOOOVE it!! You will be able to enjoy this little one so much more than Leta..NOT that you love her any more or less, but you will be "comfortable". You know that you really can't break them, and you also know that the long, endless nights of pacing will END, and that there is so much more on the other side of it.....It's a scary proposition, but all worth it!!! :)
87. Mrs Smith said:
I've got two kids, three years apart. Number one son never slept, nursed constantly but today eats fewer than six different foods. He's super-active, needs constant supervision (even now, at 10) and is smarter than Einstein, which is what his first grade teacher called him. He never left my side though and I could always find him. He'll probably live with us the rest of his life.
Number two daughter slept beautifully, never wanted to nurse, but today eats a variety of foods (at 7 years old) that would impress a Michelin-starred chef. She's already snarky and I'm guessing probably smarter than number one. She walked out of our house one day (at 18 months old) chasing a neighborhood cat and crossed a major highway without blinking. I'm guessing she'll move out before she hits high school.
It's frightening, it's scary and honestly, it's not a matter of easier or harder, it's just a matter of different. Funnily, we somehow survive and we love em all, just the same. Good luck, you'll be fine.
88. kim at allconsuming said:
having endured a horror morning (the third of a planned week of five)of the three-year-old refusing to move into the next level of swimming group which does not involve me revealing the undulating folds of my skin to the world but the nubile body of some young swimming instructor, I think I needed you to post something like this. I'm on the fourth round of child rearing and you speak the truth.
If only those blazing tantrums of ignominy didn't make me feel like producing a bit hot steaming bowl of gut soup - the chunky kind - victory would be mine.
89. Canuck said:
Our first was an easy kid, for the most part. Hard to get started nursing, but after she sorted that out, it was easy street. She's 14 now, and she's still an easy kid. Our second wasn't so easy, but that was largely because the third came along 10 minutes after the second. Profound, chronic fatigue ensued for about 18 months. It wasn't pretty. But the fourth and last came by herself, and she's been the most fun of all. Easy kid, and the bearer of more joy than one could have ever believed. So yeah, it's easier after you have some experience. You know the ropes.
Good luck!
90. Amy said:
First born was a nightmare baby and far harder than the twins that came after him. There is hope. All the best to you all.
91. meara said:
I have three, all wildly different. The oldest just got acceptance letters to his top two choices for college....much rejoicing for all!
But in the dark of night, I realize, my baby will move out. And I will miss him, and his wise, quiet peacefulness. He was such a great starter-baby... we tell him he tricked us into thinking we were great parents.
You may think you cannot love the next baby/babies as much as that first, but it's not true. In fact, your heart just gets bigger.
great post.
92. Stephanie said:
I guess this is why my mom always says just wait until you're a parent.
93. The Dalai Mama said:
My first child did nothing to prepare me for my second child. There are so different and I was not prepared for the difference. I thought how hard can a second one be--I have it down for one.
Ha, the joke was certainly on me. Our second puts everything in her mouth--or son didn't. Our second is a complete daredevil--our son wasn't.
So, while you speak Leta's language be prepared to have to learn an entire different one. And, I can't wait to read about the lessons.
94. Fran said:
Thanks Heather - I'm going to have to print this out and put it on the fridge. My husband and I are both on the fence about getting pregnant, and though we are definitely on the road to parenthood, I already have those chills and rigors of terror, not even knowing what the first baby will be like!
95. Erica Hennings said:
Cheers to that! Juice of course.....
96. Criação de Sites said:
Thank you for this. i am just entering this tricky territory with my 18 month old. i was having so much fun with him and now, frankly, i'm not.
i needed to hear what you had to say today, heather.
97. Catherine McP said:
I'll tell you, I was so busy with my first "busy" daughter, 3 at the time her sister was born, that the second daughter, from the day of her birth just was content in the corner of the couch watching us freaks. She just watched everything barely uttering a word! To this day she is the WAY mellow of the 2! She got use to the no attention! BUT we sure love her for that reason alone.
98. Geri said:
She will be her own, individual person.
And . . . it will be messy.
99. Lisa Kirker said:
Our 3-1/2 year old, Eleanor slept like a dream from week 8, loved books from the get-go, and was the most non-snuggly baby I've ever held. Our 1 year old, Josephine still won't sleep through the night, and uses books as weapons. But, she is so cuddly that you'd think snuggling was an Olympic sport.
You will be amazed at how two completely different humans can be made using the same basic recipe.
100. Jeff Bucchino said:
Kids are the test to see if you deserve the unspeakable joy that is grandparenting. Good luck and I sincerely hope that this one is a cuddler, because that is heaven on earth.
101. Con said:
With the first child you notice everything that they do. With the second, you notice everything that they do differently. The total beauty of the second child is relaizing that you have to learn it all over again. But like you said, you are much smarter now.
You'll love it (and hate it at times)!
102. Robin Avila said:
Thank you thank you thank you. For being you and telling me it's ok to be me.
103. Robin said:
Heather, wait until she hits 13. Then suddenly that dude who built the arc is always called. Everything becomes "Mom, Nooaaahhhhhh!" My husband finally got to the point that he began saying "There is no flood, so we don't need Noah!"
This is my way of saying, it just keeps chaging! And grandparents get very upset when you talk about duct taping them!!! Go figure.
104. Kelly said:
I don't think it's quite possible to know what you've missed if you didn't have children. This kind of sums it up. Awesome post, and thanks.
105. Emily said:
Soo....I read somewhere that the child in utero will, upon experiencing the other child(ren) present, structure it's personality to be different if not completely opposite.
I thought it sounded cool, if not really weird and robotic.
106. Katie said:
she always looks so easy-going in the photos. i want to see some screaming pictures.
107. Diana said:
I love reading about your experiences. Having four kids I can promise you they are all unique, as you know. Don't lose a moment of sleep wondering about it. You have survived a challenging moment (and it does become a moment much like childbirth after a few years) in parenting and you are ready for this one!
108. trish said:
I don't have kids of my own, so the only thing I can comment on is the food not touching. That I understand. I'm still like that.
109. Ashlea said:
My husband and I have stopped at one child (he got snipped!) almost for the opposite reason that you are hopeful of this next one. Our first (a boy) was perfect. He did everything the books said. He slept through the night at 6 weeks, I had to set an alarm to feed him because he never cried to wake me, and he is four and things have (if you can believe it) just continued to get better. Before you throw up from what I'm saying, hear this: YOU ARE SO BRAVE. We actually went with sterilization rather than face the chance of having a child that was any less easy than our first. This makes us big 'ole cowards, I know (hey, we've considered adopting), but women like you who have a hard time the first go around, but then choose to try again amaze me. For us we could only see it getting worse, for you and Jon (knock on wood) things are bound to only be easier, right? ;)
110. Beth said:
Let me comfort you. Your second child most assuredly will be NOTHING like your first. God has a sense of humor and life would be far too easy if they were the same. Regardless of goodness or badness. So, if Leta was challenging I'll bet you $50 right now #2 will be easy cheesy.
111. Taylee said:
Sometimes I just don't think I want "in" to the secret club. I like my full 9 hours of delicious sleep. I enjoy saying fuck, shit and damn. And honestly I have dog ears...and the thought of screams and hysteria make me throw-up a little. But ya know...maybe, someday, I'll make the jump. But for now...nah. I'll continue to read and enjoy your daily experiences with those cute little squirts. Well, soon to be "those".
112. Tonya said:
As the pregnant mother of a four year old little girl who had been a total pain in the ass (and I say that with all the love in the world), I was practically giddy with the knowledge that there was no way that number two would be a handful. There's no way God would give me another challenging child. How could he? I'd paid my dues! And even if she wasn't perfect, how could she be worse than the one I already had?!
Guess what?! She was a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS TOO. But, a different type of pain in the ass. One I could deal with a bit better. Sometimes.
But as you know with Leta, I wouldn't change one thing about my girls. They are not easy. But if they were, they wouldn't be mine.
113. Jeen-Marie said:
I was just introduced to this club 2 months ago. There are times when I question this new induction and wonder what the HELL am I doing here. There should be more of an explanation (detailed outline with diagrams) when people say your life will never be the same…
Heather, it is your blog and stories that remind me I am not alone in this challenge called parenthood. And oh by the way, in response to a previous post- I think raising a child is much more difficult. I once thought marriage was the hardest challenge, it’ is now a screaming child at 4 AM with no end in sight.
114. Sally in Florida said:
Thanks Heather, I just sent that last paragraph to my girls, now 17 and 21, you totally summed it up!
115. r0ckaby3 said:
AMEN sister.
116. k said:
thank you, no. 80.
i would love more than anything to join this secret club, but my body denies me admission.
117. Melissa said:
I thought I did rather well through my children's early years, until my daughter hit age 8. Now it is a whole different ballgame and I am constantly pulling my hair out! :o)
Great post!
118. Janet said:
Take heart - the second ones often tend to be Buddha babies - happy and content. Mom and Dad aren't so tense because they're old hands at the baby business, and there's constant entertainment watching and learning from the older sibling.
119. Dana said:
"if parenthood were a drug, I'd totally experiment. It sounds like a mind-blowing experience."
As someone who is scared witless re: bearing kids but who cheerfully imbibed in LSD: Hell to the yes.
120. Abi said:
"All because a bean was touching a piece of cheese, and in case you didn't know, such is the recipe for the end of the world."
Excuse me. I beg to differ. A banana slice touching a Cheerio is THE recipe for the end of the world. :)
Best wishes!
121. Amy said:
Thanks again for sharing your life and your thoughts with the Internet.
122. Aimee said:
As the mother of 2 girls who BOTH had colick, I salute you. The second is slightly less neurotic than the first, although she also got the memo that said, "Enter the world screaming and whatever you do, do not stop!" Luckily, you are more prepared for it the second time around, although once you bring the kid home you may sit in bed at 2 am thinking "Holy shit, we're a family of 4!"
123. Joan said:
Hey Heather,
Just love your blog. The fact that I'm 15 years ahead of you in raising kids makes me chuckle. I would give anything if my kids would only scream at me. With one away in college, and two still in high school, there is no screaming anymore. Just rational explanations patiently explaining why I am the biggest idiot on the planet. And they are great, successful kids.
So take heart at your current situation. You will be awake while your child can't sleep. But soon, all too soon, it will be because her curfew is 1:00am and it is now 1:05 and all you can imagine is a car going a hundred miles an hour down the highway and her bra flying out the window.
I wish you love and happiness.
124. carolyn said:
Wow, you are so right about this 'secret' club we're part of. Well put!
I had a complete meltdown a few days before my second was to be born as all those memories of my first-born terror came rushing back. It all worked out well. Either good Karma, or someone was watching out for me. She was and is so completely opposite of her brother.
Kids are amazing. All the best to you! =)
125. mrs.notouching said:
I will be joining the secret club in 7 weeks and cannot wait to become fluent in "in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You". You make me want to get a bunch of dogs and lots of babies!
126. Alayna said:
I have 4 kids and it never ceases to amaze me how different they all are. I love it! Isn't it cool that they can come from the same parents and be so crazily different? Anyway, my 2nd was by far the best and easiest baby of them all. I think it was partly because of what you said - we weren't so uptight, we knew the language, my nipples had already been sucked out into just the right shape, you know - it just all worked. AND, he liked to cuddle - ahh! Here's hoping your 2nd one is just as easy - with a few sleepless nights thrown in there just to give you time to contemplate!
127. Enna said:
Heads up Doocie Baby, you're mentioned in this month's playboy (Feb 09).
Because...uh....my fiance told me so. Yeeeeees, that's it. Tell Jon to go pick it up. Or you could, because THAT would be funny.
Or I could scan it and send it to you. Though I think a pregnant woman in Utah picking up the latest playboy would make for an AWESOME blog post, personally.
128. Anu said:
I think I get the most honest opinion about parenthood from your blog. Most parents including my sis, to certain degree never reveal their true thoughts. I'm sure they feel guilty even talking about them. I'm 32 and have been debating about having kids for a while now. I will be sure to be with you through your journey, sending all my positive energy your way :-)
129. Storms said:
Tell Jon to stake out the "man-cave" now and furnish it with a shower & toilet. In the coming years, it'll likely be the only reason he is able to retain any semblance of manhood....
Storms (father of four girls ages 4, 3, 2, and 10 months)
130. Katie! said:
I didn't know about the club either. I used to be offended when my friends with kids would say things like, "you don't have kids so you wouldn't understand." Now that I am a part of the club, I know that I didn't and couldn't understand before. Now I am starting to.
131. Anonymous said:
Yes, off topic, but my husband asked me, "Don't you read Dooce? She was mentioned in Playboy." Never fear. It's your contribution to our vocabulary they value. :>)
132. Aimee said:
Freaking awesome post!
133. julianne said:
Wow. What a great blog entry and I wasn't ready to think about anything today besides the inauguration.
I have often heard it said that my uncle, born in 1918, was such a difficult baby that my grandmother only had a second child because of an accident, fourteen years later when she was forty, AND she cried the entire pregnancy. That second child was my dad who turned out to be a very mellow baby.
And my oldest son, who looks quite a bit like that uncle, about killed me in his babyhood.
134. amberstar said:
The others are telling you the truth about how the next children will be different from the one before. We have three and they are all so different and weird and wonderful. Each was born 18 months after the one before so it was wild and crazy and I felt much like you have in the past when it was just so crazy and walking the floors with them was all you can do to pacify them. Then all at once it was all over when they grew up and left home to make their own way in life. Only our son had children...and they have only one son. That is the really good part when you get into the grandma club.
135. Liz said:
hi, dooce. Glad the pregnancy still appears to be going okay. Just wanted to say, I've been following your blog for a while now, and I've noticed your writing evolving. It was always entertaining, always unmistakably your voice. But now its getting plain good. On its own terms. Maybe you're feeling braver. Maybe its the hormones. But I just wanted to say that I see your writing, which was already a lot of fun, turning into more than fun. You're finding your power. Good for you.
136. Brooke said:
Heather, you are so great. I'm expecting our second child in May with a great amout of hope, excitment and trepidation. I, too, lived through a nasty bout of postpartum mood disorder, so on top of the regular list of "unknowns", I am bracing for this too. You are so courageous to share all the joys and realities of your journey through parenthood. Reading your blog makes me feel much less alone on this next leg of the "trip" that is mommyhood. These next kiddos of ours will be especially lucky to benefit from all we've learned so far. No doubt they'll have all kinds of new things to teach us too!
137. beth said:
You nailed it. That's exactly what parenting does...
And I have given birth to five of the most unique, fascinating different individuals you can imagine. Though I'll echo previous comments:
Wait until the teenage years, when they can think a bit more critically, have a larger vocabulary and own their own cell phones.
138. Holly said:
That was really beautiful. It makes me want to give my kids a huge hug and kiss!
139. Mamie said:
i love it when you write these posts. and i have to agree the club is hella cool. even after getting projectile vomited on by twins.
140. Dawn said:
"So much more makes sense now, and I don't know if there is any other way I could have gained this type of insight into life."
Oh, I agree with you on this. ((hugs))
141. Jen said:
Yup. #2 will carve out all those opposites. If she likes dogs, she will surely go for the light sockets as well. It's the duty of the second child to fill in all the gaps, stake the untaken property.
Basically the second child tells you that you really didn't learn as much as you thought you did the first time around. Which is, in an odd way, comforting. Turns out there is no right way. Half the advice you got that was totally wrong for the first child will be exactly what the second child wants and needs. The other half? Is even more wrong. But, again, you have to try all of it again, just to see which is which.
But really, it's fun!
142. Katie said:
Good luck. You won't be new this time. You'll be calmer and more collected. You'll know the babyish actions don't last forever. You'll have a bag of tricks to try.
143. JennC said:
Amen. I have three; all different, all wonderful. Parenthood is the best journey of all.
144. jill said:
I worried about all of the wrong things during my second pregnancy. Your attitude is great! Going from 1 to 2 was NOT easy for me but it's been amazing.
145. Marta said:
Yeah that's cute & all. But last night I dug up your old entry about Leta's birth, & when you got to the part about where they had to cut you, I threw up a little in my mouth. I'm OK with being pregnant, but the process of getting it out bothers me so much.
146. lsaspacey said:
Beautiful, just beautiful.
As a non-breeder (and age 40 in a month without that possibility in sight) I knew there had to be more to it. Congrats and good luck!
147. Sequal Eclipse said:
We are just starting our family. Its really exciting we are really looking forward to it. We also plan on having three
148. Eva said:
Maybe the next kid will be easier.. HEY, It could happen!
149. Amira said:
You sound sane.
PS - Amira is a great name for a baby girl.
150. Kathleen said:
As many others have mentioned, there's a pretty good chance your girls will be completely different from one another. Mine (who are 3 and 5) sure are. But they are also best friends. It's really refreshing because, as much as you wonder how much of their personalities have to do with birth order or how prepared you were, the fact is that they each just come with a personality. You quickly realize that you don't have to take the blame for every bad quirk and that you don't get to take the credit for every good one. They are their own crazy little beings and your job is just to protect them and try to mold them into reasonably civilized people. And remember, even if it's really hard at first, it does get better.
151. MEO said:
I love *everything* about *everything* you say. Always. I get what you are saying today and am empathetic. But, I gotta' ask - do you know what else happened today?
152. mdog said:
These lessons you've learned...did one of them happen to include information about removing peanut butter from a dog's ear?
153. Kristi said:
I love what you said about understanding life more and your parents more and I just want you to know that having another one will make you understand your siblings more. As the oldest of three girls and now the mother of 3 girls I see all that happened when I was a kid and know what's going on with my girls. I see the way I acted in my oldest and call my middle sister almost daily to apologize the way I treated her. The youngest kinda gets the shaft from time to time, so I feel for my youngest sister. But I will say they are ALL different. The oldest was screamy in the beginning, the second after about the first 4 months and is still pretty annoyed with life at 22 months, but my 7 month old, she's an angel. I wish this kind of baby on you. She's usually happy, doesn't cry unless she really needs something and laughs at my other 2 when they are upset and getting in trouble, which is probably my favorite thing to see. So be prepared to love another as much as you love Leta, but in a completely different way. It's weird how that happens. Good luck!
154. joy said:
my mother was a preschool teacher and would always say things like "please be quiet", "use your inside voice", "you need to turn the volume down", etc.
one day i so royally pissed her off b/c i would not stop screaming about something that after 10 min or so she shouted "SHUT UP!". i was shocked into silence. a few seconds later, she blurted out "shut up means i love you". 20 years later, she's still telling me that...
155. Shnerfle said:
It's amazing how to beings created from the same genetic material, grown in the same womb, nursed by the same breasts and beaten by the same rod can turn into such fundamentally different people. And then I find myself doing all that labeling I swore I wouldn't do. Like, "he's the dramatic one/shy one/smart one/funny one". I try not to do that out loud...
BTW, it just occurred to me that in the coming years, when Jon begins to bemoan his estrogen addled existence, you'll be able to tell him, absolutely truthfully, that it's all his fault.
That's less fun in my house, where my husband is still strutting around with pride in the masculinity of his swimmers. I'm so outnumbered...
156. Shauna said:
I am one of your many many fans but I lurk a lot. I've never commented until today. I just had to comment that I am SO excited that you're having another baby. I hope it is going to be as incredible experience as I had when we had ours. It's so incredible to me even today as they are 8 and 10 that two people can be created the exact same way, be born to the exact same parents, be raised the exact same way (mostly), even look so similar to each other and yet be so. utterly. different. It's more than the difference that one is a boy and one is a girl. Even their tastes in foods are polar opposites. I realize after thinking about it that I'm only 19 months apart from my sister and you can say the exact same thing about us with one exception...we both had a crush on Andy Gibb.
I look so forward to reading your posts about the wonderful adventures you have ahead! :)
157. moonravencrow said:
You may be as lucky as my mother. My older sister, older by 5 years and 10 months, was a screamer and all around loud and inconsolable child [which she is in adulthood as well], where as I was what mom lovingly refers to as a text book baby, I cried ONLY when I was wet, hungry or tired, and even then it took me a while to even get there [she says she would've had lots of babies if they had been like me, and that makes me warm and fuzzy]. I was often so quiet my parents forgot I was even there.
I wish you well in the adventure of second baby :) [May she be a good baby like me, though my mother might argue about how wonderful I am after I weened myself)
158. Bobbie said:
First off - congratulations on having another little girl!!!! This was such a spot on post. I hope that, as for a lot of my friends, your second bub is a lot more chilled. For me, I think the crucial thing was that we were a lot more chilled as parents which didn't make the nights feel so bad.
159. The Bold Soul said:
Thanks, Heather, because I really needed to hear that. My husband and I are trying to have a baby but if we succeed we'll be late-in-life parents, and he already has two teenagers and a 7-year-old. Not having had a child of my own before (babysitting for other people's kids and even having step-kids is a lot different), I have all sorts of fears and mixed feelings about becoming a parent at 47 or 48, including dreading the sleep deprivation and having less patience with other people's crap than I used to. By "crap" I mean like when his 7-year-old, whom I normally adore and who is VERY cuddly with me, whines and then cries hysterically because one of his computer games won't work or the TV is out or he doesn't want to eat broccoli because he had it the day before. I might expect the tantrums if he were younger but at 7 I guess I expected something different and these mood swings (I think he gets it from his mother who is sort of psychological train wreck) sometimes flip the "NO PATIENCE" switch in me because I'm all "It's NOT the end of the world!" -- but clearly to this little boy, in that moment, it IS the end of the world. I get that, but it still gets on my nerves so much that I start to understand why parents sometimes loose their cool with their kids.
But you sharing your very helpful perspective about the darker side of parenting teaching you more about yourself, other people and life in general is really what I needed to hear right now. It gives me hope that even if we have a baby and it gets rough at times, it will be well worth it in the end. So thanks.
160. gita said:
do you know, when you first announced that you were pregnant, i knew.. immediately, that it was a girl. and i tried leaving you a message to tell you to be prepared to give leta another sister. but being the tech genius that i am, i could not find your 'post new comments' page. except that now i have. and i am so so happy for you.
161. Beck said:
It would appear that about 90% of second kids are easier going than the first one. I guess because they have to wait for the attention and they are cool with it, my almost 3 year old son is getting fiesty now but he has nothing on his almost 5 year old sister. He was a much easier baby but ironically a much worse sleeper.... go figure
162. Laura said:
What a great post and how true most of it.
I'm a mother of girl/boy twin and to say that life was one big adventure is underplaying it. It didn't help that I divorced their father when they were 4 weeks old.
Children show you why it's important to keep fighting, never to lose hope and to enjoy it as it comes. Children hurt you like nothing else and make you love like nothing else.
Make the most of having the one child. The dynamics after the birth will be mindblowing.
163. Lee said:
I don't have kids, but worked for years as a preschool teacher and this much I know: No one ever has kids whose personalities are exactly the same. It seems like everyone's first child is their trial by fire, the one who makes them say,"What the fuck?", and the second kid is the one that makes them say, "I was worried, why?"
I'm always reminded of the movie "Parenthood" and Steve Martin gets told this little story by his grandmother about rollercoasters. You never know what's around the corner. It could be scary. It could be fun. Who knows? Its really hard to enjoy NOW....Now is a wonderful place if you can learn to relax and live in it and enjoy it...Its taken me 46 yrs to learn that and I am still learning everyday...
Enjoy.....
164. Rachel said:
Well said. I have one very active little boy (by active I mean, makes me want to pull my hair out!) and I feel the exact same way about parenting. It's like after going through the torture of raising a child you end up coming out of it knowing yourself better. Amazing process. Unbearable at times, but amazing. I couldn't have said it better. :)
165. Lori said:
Heather,
When it comes to children, God is fair. I've mentioned it before, but my first child is Leta's little twin. My friends call her "Birth Control". At 3.5, she's the key that has unlocked the motherhood gene inside me (because My God, the work). We worked so hard to psych ourselves up for the 2nd daughter (surprise! you're pregnant with Hell Child at home!), knowing we'd probably die in the process.
And therein lies our blessing: Miss Kelly is so easy we joke she doesn't even need parents. The sheer joy of this child's daily mood has caused me to revoke every time I've screamed at the cover of People Magazine Covers, "Happy Mommy Celebrities":"LIARS! THIS WAS A HORRIBLE DECISION! ADMIT IT...YOU ARE DYING INSIDE!"
And something about being a big sister to a little ball of chub brought out the very best in Sara. Different as night and day, but most importantly, SISTERS.
Two daughters are the BEST...my best wishes,
Lori
166. Anonymous said:
Thanks for those last two paragraphs. I am a new stepmom and finding that the experience is challenging me in the same ways. Except that you can articulate it, and up till now I just felt like my head was about to pop off.
167. Mindy said:
I agree with 161 about the 2nd one seeming easier (even if they aren't)... probably because you aren't quiet as neurotic as the first time around. Our baby boy seems much more content to be put off for a few minutes, and I just don't have the time to fret over eating/sleeping "schedules" and whether or not they've been in the same outfit for 3 days... whereas our daughter got a bath each day and an several wardrobe changes per hour thanks to her incessant spitting up... and I'd jump to her command the moment she would start to fuss.
Our boy, I'm sure, will give us a few surprises soon enough... but my whole attitude is so different now, I feel much more prepared to take them in stride. I wouldn't be surprised if you find your experience similar. Before our 2nd was born, I really worried about how much work it would all be. It seems much easier than I expected. And I don't necessarily have "easy" babies. I'm just better at this mom stuff now.
Wishing you the best.
168. Lauren said:
Thanks a lot Heather. It's way too early in the morning to by crying like a baby.
Very well said (of course!).
169. fidget said:
my second child was a DREAM BABY compared to the first- DREAM BABY. Now she's the one I'm fairly certain I will be bailing out of jail at some point. When I was expecting my 3rd I thought, dear god let him be easier then 2 when he's older.. he's proving to be just like her. I look at 4 now and think, dear god, take mercy on me.
170. Dammit Sami said:
I love what you said about being a parent, but at the same time, I couldn't help but think about couples who want children, but can't have them. I certainly do NOT mean this as criticism of your sentiment, which has been so resoundingly echoed in the comments and seems to have really struck a chord with a lot of your readers. But there is more than one secret club, and a whole world of experience between "choosing to have children" and "choosing not to have children." I'm afraid I may find myself in the club no one wants to talk about.
171. Krista M said:
My Stephen is a climber, a runner, and an all around maniac, but he doesn't even know that light sockets exist, so maybe you'll get lucky! Better to have them hanging from the chandelier than sticking a spoon in the socket, I always say.
172. Anonymous said:
Not that this relates to your story one iota, but did you know you are mentioned in this month's Playboy?
So, does Jon get to walk around and say, "My wife is in Playboy"? :D
173. maeby said:
I think its gonna be like that time Stewie met his brother on family guy, inside of peter.
aurora (rory?) and leta are gonna form an alliance! You're going down armstrong!
174. The niffer said:
Oooo! I just got shivers.
I'm right there with ya. Having a kid has opened my mind more than any drug ever could.
175. Natalya said:
I'm in my early 20s, still in the stage where figuring out how to make rent and nurse hangovers are my biggest problems. Working at a marriage or at raising a kid seem like challenges of the future for me, very far off. I have often thought about how your blog gives me insight into things I'm not supposed to know about yet, as if I'm getting glimpses of things that are profoundly human, but that I wouldn't reflect on until I'm actually at a stage where I would have to work through them. It feels a little like cheating.
176. Brad said:
When my dad died, my mom raised my sister and I alone from the time I was 1 year old. I always respected our unique situation and in time I understood what it meant to be the "man" of the house. However, it wasn't until I had children of my own that I realized my mother was a Saint. I have no idea how she did it, but I would suspect there was a lot of crying involved when we weren't looking.
177. fleuris.ca said:
Heather, you would be SURPRISED. I love my first nephew, cutest & best thing ever, and he is now a wonderful, adorable toddler... but he had really bad colic as a baby and that incessant crying??? --my sister knew it all too well.
When her second son was born, she had anticipated much of the same... but it was totally different. We now call the 2nd Buddha baby, because he is so calm, relaxed and easy going.
All this to say: You never know what you might reel in from the genetic pool!
178. Ivy said:
Thank you. So beautifully put. I needed this today.
179. Anonymous said:
Can you avoid the triggers that make her so overtired.
You're smarter, wiser # 2 will be different because the two of you are different.
180. Jamie said:
I am only 8 weeks along with our first but I have to say, I'm not looking forward to the screaming crying baby part. It's just a necessary evil on the way to the walking-talking kid part which I am totally psyched about.
I wonder if I will start to understand my mother? That sounds... I don't know, impossible. Maybe though, maybe.
181. amber said:
i think these girls are lucky to have a mama who is so intent on being a good mama. i think being willing to gain insight, and change, and grow from hard circumstances is too rare. i think the way you so honestly talk about your life and how realistic you are about the shitty stuff and the beautiful stuff is helping lots of people, including me and you. so thanks.
182. Anonymous said:
How do you spin the sentences like that?? If I had tried for years I couldn't have articulated those feelings in words. You truly have a gift.
My nightmare baby is now 14 and is a dream. She is smart, sweet and easy! Even as a teen she is easy now... surely I must have paid the price when she was a baby.
On the other hand... my second was a dream baby... and is now a 9 year old going on 21 smart mouth that tries my patience every single day.
183. Yellaphant said:
YEA! This makes me so excited to make babies! Actually, the making the babies part isn't so bad, but I am a little nervous about what follows. It is encouraging though, to hear about the light of understanding at the end of the tantrum tunnel.
184. katie said:
Just wanted to say I'm a fan who hasn't commented much, but have especially been enjoying your posts lately. I am also due June 14, and expecting a girl! She will be my first, so I'm learning from your lessons, but also empathizing on the not-so-perky sides of pregnancy.
185. Anonymous said:
I really, really enjoy your writing.
On the surface, we probably don't have much in common. (For example: I'm 100% East Coast, a few years older, living in sin in the city, with no plans to start my own family). Reading your thoughts is one part of my day that makes me smile and feel good.
So...thanks!
186. Deb said:
Second time around it is so much easier because you have already absorbed the mindblowing responsibility of being a mother and all the practicalities are second nature. This means the only things you have to consider are the logistics of having a pre-schooler and new baby together, and the nature of the baby. It will be fine! I found it so hard with my first, so easy second time.
187. Briana said:
Usually moms talking about their children makes me want to scream, run and never have any of my own. That's why I was so shocked when I first checked out your site. You make me want kids!
188. becky said:
beautiful post! we were married along time before we had a kid (not by choice, but there you are). and while I was pregnant, as badly as I knew we wanted the baby, I was really terrified about how it would change our lives. Turns out, our son is the best thing we ever did. You are so right about everything you learn about yourself and life when you have a child. I feel like the world is in *color* now! I was 37 when my son was born, had poured 15 years into a career and was doing pretty well. But it was like I hadn't actually started living until he was born. Strange, but true. Yeah, he can definitely be a pain in the ass at times at 3, but most of the time he blows our minds.
congrats on the pregnancy, and I hope the 1-screamer-per-household rule holds for you too!
189. Mari said:
Only 20 more weeks and you can have a big-girl drink.
190. Paula said:
I found out I was pregnant when my twins were a year old. I had been so busy with them that I was already 10 weeks when I realized it. Talk about panic!
Nonetheless, Ryan turned out to be the best baby. He slept 20 hours per day for the first 2 weeks and only got up once per night. Plus he was only one. I figured it was divine intervention for the burden of having twins.
Of course, once he reached the terrible twos he was the kid who bit other kids, the kid who could not resist spilling any liquid, the kid who could not go to sleep without one of us being in his room and the kid who took forever to be potty trained. He's the reason I know that a toddler covered in Comet is not cause for an emergency room visit, that the big blue stain on our carpet is from spilling a complete bottle of Windex, that taking a shit on the floor during dinner does not phase me, that an entire gallon of milk pulled from the counter in the kitchen is a bitch to clean up and that having a serious teacher's conference with his kindergarten teacher because he broke the plastic cabbage made me realize that it's OK to not take things very seriously when you have a house full of chaos.
Congratulations and good luck.
191. Tricia said:
I've been a reader for a long time, and even sent a few notes to you along the way. I have a 6 yr old & a 11 yr old, I'm 42 and we just discovered, after giving away ALL the baby stuff finally, that we are expecting again. My husband and kids are thrilled...and I'm terrified. I thought all that stuff was in the past, and I just finally began to forget anything negative from those day...and now I face them again. Please don't misunderstand me..I love being a mother, and I have had a blast with my kids the entire way, but we had a lot of the same momments with ours that you have had with Leta, and there were times that I wanted to jump from a moving car onto a busy highway. This post makes me happy about everything completely now....it's a wondeful club that I wish anyone that wants to be a part of can be! Thanks for the positive refresher!
Hugs ~ Tricia
192. marcus said:
When you have a child your life will forever change. If not...thing you should never have a child.
193. Gillian said:
I wonder if the baby will make Leta regress at all and have more tantrums (being like baby), or if she will leap headfirst into being Mommy/Daddy's Little Helper and suddenly seem years older than her age? Probably both, depending on the time of day! I think seeing her in the role of big sister is going to be so neat (exhausting, but also neat) for both of you, and for us who see those pieces of your life that you choose to share. I can't wait to hear how this baby shapes her life, and yours. Cheers.
194. Melanie said:
Chances are the new baby will have a totally different temperament than Leta. My son has a very "challenging" temperament while my daughter leans more to the normal side.
Knowing that our brains would explode from the stress, God wouldn't give anyone two challenging/spirited children.
195. Kate said:
Thank you for sharing this. It takes the edge off my terror induced by thoughts of raising children. We're trying for kids now, so this level of fear has increased exponentially!
Your kidS are very lucky to have a mama like you :)
196. Anonymous said:
Oh man - a bean touching cheese? The apocolypse is nigh. ;)
197. Anonymous said:
You have arrived at Galt's Gulch.
198. carpot said:
Beautifully said, Heather.
199. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
Like others have said, my first and second are so different. (I have three boys.)
Just yesterday I had to threaten a beating with my oldest's tantrum and he's 14. He has always needed constant neverending vigilant untiring supervision. The terrible twos never ended with him. Gah, four more years.
The second is 9. He's so sweet natured and thinks these deep little thoughts. Because of this it's easy to forget he's there sometimes and he gets shorted in the parenting department. His naturally sweet behavior pisses off my 14 year old.
The third is 3. He's a BOY and there is spiderman and spiderman and spiderman and spiderman. And Screaming. Screaming about spiderman and not getting copious amounts of sugar in his diet. I'm threatening making the 14 year old share a room with him.
Human behavior? I'll reserve my judgement on it until the three year old gets into school and I can poop by myself. Or maybe when they all move out and I don't have to wash their sheets anymore.
200. Kelly said:
It has been my experience that siblings are pretty much always total opposites of one another. I find it fascinating... they come from the same DNA, are raised in the same household, but they are always completely different from one another. Anyway, after what you've been through with Leta, I have a feeling the next one is going to be a piece of cake. It's like training with Mike Tyson to fight Woody Allen. No matter what happens, you've probably already gotten through much worse!
201. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
My two are soooo different. And let me tell ya, it's quite a wild ride now having BOTH the screaming toddler fits and "Teen'Tude" at the same time!
202. Ames said:
Very well said Heather! There is no book you can read, no class you could take, no movie you could watch that could ever adequately prepare you for parenthood. You just have to live it. Thats where it all sinks in.
203. cat said:
simply wise. and spot on.
204. Jessica Riesenbeck said:
I was feeling so distraught this morning over how things have been going with my 4 year old--he is in such a difficult, defiant place right now. I love him (and his older sister) with all my heart, but they don't realize that because I'm always "grumpin" at them. I worry about everything that happens--everything they say, everything my husband and I say to and around them. I wonder what type of people are they going to be when they grow older. When my son says hateful things--is that how serial killers start out? And, why so much guilt for us parents?
But your post was so lovely that it made me realize that I have to stop worrying about who they might turn out to be and be thankful that my husband and I were so blessed to have them, have their love and to be able to love them back. I know this (that's part of the guilt), but today I needed a reminder.
Thank you!! And, good luck to you, Jon and Leta.
205. Mrs.Rogers said:
My Georgia is a lot like Leta and really made me apprehensive about #2. Hughie (yes, we named him after Hugh Hefner) was a nightmare for the frist 6 months with colic, but since then he's been SO MUCH EASIER. For example, I'll clip his nails while he sits patiently and watches with interest. With Georgia I had to literally hold her down with my legs while she screamed and hyperventilated throughout the entire process. I have a feeling this is what you're going to experience with #2. You'll be like - wait, this is too easy, where's the catch? Pass the tequila!
206. Tonya said:
Your sentiment about learning through your children is so powerful and especially painful for people like me; women that so desperately want to have the insight that only a child with your specific genetic makeup can give. A child that can perhaps answer all the 'what's wrong with me/what happened to me/why do I act like that' questions. But will never be born to women that are infertile, like me. It's like living constantly with a memory that is just on the edge of your consciousness.
207. Krista said:
Your last two paragraphs are beautiful and insightful and so completely right on! Children teach us more about ourselves than years of therapy will ever accomplish. :-)
208. mirela said:
Raising my son has helped a lot with better understanding my own childhood, but little to nothing in understanding my parents :))
209. Kathleen said:
The most well articulated reasons for having kids. Thanks for giving me a peek into the secret club.
210. mhb said:
I'm the youngest of three, and as babies (and still, as adults) my siblings and I were so very, very different: the oldest, my genius sister, didn't talk until she was two, but instead climbed on everything. When she did start speaking it was in complete sentences. My brother allegedly slept for the first five years of his life. I thought everything was hilarious and laughed a lot. I still do.
My mom once told me that, a few weeks after I was born, she turned to my dad and said, "I really like this one." And Dad agreed. I think it was helped by their knowledge that they couldn't break me, and that they'd survived two other infants. They knew they could manage.
Here's hoping you'll turn to Jon and say something similar a few weeks after this little lady makes her appearance. I think you might.
211. Lisa said:
Children give us more than we will ever give them. They are gifts. It is a privilege to be a parent. If we do things relatively right, it is our job to be out of a job. To raise well adjusted, healthy contributing members of society.
Mine are 20 and 14 and I love, love, love those wonderful people! It has all been totally worth it! From broken legs to finding marijuana, I had no idea how fulfilling being a parent would be.
Congrats Heather and Jon! There truly IS more to bringing up a child than clothing and feeding!!!! Enjoy the journey, because before you know it, you will be taking pictures at their High School graduation......
212. BOSSY said:
Bossy has been there and she says: Surely there has to be an easier way to acquire information. Maybe an information pod beamed into our cell units?
213. Kathleen said:
My second child is a far better sleeper, much more interested in light sockets, and happier to play by himself. He nurses for nutrition, not for comfort in the three-hour sessions I somehow was used to with his big sister, and far more interested in breaking things.
I predict they'll both be trouble, in completely different ways.
It's the true joy of having two kids!
214. Colleen said:
Hi Heather - this is a lovely post. I love stories of perseverance and faith, and the growth and wisdom that come from it. I greatly respect what you've been through (and what you'll soon go through)!
But, on the other hand, this post confirms one of my fears about not having children. In the next few years my husband and I will have to decide about having a child and I feel like there are as many factors making the case for having them as making the case against.
For: I already know he's a wonderful father (he has a son); I am older and know myself and feel like I have the patience and humor and wisdom that my younger self never had; we have a stable household; I'd love to bring a life into the world and see the world with newness; I'd love to see what our child would be like; I know it would be a rewarding experience and I'm not afraid for it to challenge me and make me grow (like your post addresses); I'm on a program that is reducing my antidepressant.
Against: I am almost 40 and he is 48; we don't have a lot of savings at this point; the antidepressant has enabled me to enjoy a stable stretch of my life and I'm afraid of losing it; I have anxiety issues.
And yet I'm scared about missing this exhilarating experience if we choose not to have kids. I'm struggling to come to peace about this and was wondering if you could address this kind of decision. You've seen all sorts of ups and downs being a parent and I'd enjoy your brand of articulate thoughts and humor. If you can I'd appreciate it!
And again, thanks for sharing your story.
215. Anonymous said:
This is an incredibly moving post. Thank you, Heather.
216. repliderium.com said:
Just think how much would be lost and much less exciting it would be if the little buggers came with instructions.
217. Missives From Suburbia said:
So what you're saying is that they do eventually learn to speak English? Because my 2.5-year-old is in that other phase right now, and for some reason, I now have a 6-week-old, too.
218. Domestic Goddess (in training) said:
Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You. - That is the best definition of baby/pissed toddler talk I have ever read. I have a two and a half year old and a 5 month old and let me tell you. They are as different as night and day. Will had colic, but slept through the night at 1 month old. Jack is crabby 99% of his day, doesn't sleep through the night, but is ok in his walker while mommy takes a pee. Its all give and take, but the rumor is that its worth it.
219. Annie said:
Beautiful post, thank you.
I was obviously delusional when I assumed that since my first baby was a breeze, all subsequent children would be the same way. Boy was I wrong. You (and Leta) have given me hope that my littlest one will get easier and perhaps someday I too will be able to "conjugate the verbs and assign the right pronouns" of his language. Congratulations for remembering to expect the unexpected with EVERY baby!
220. Jess said:
I have found that the first child is usually very helpful when trying to understand the second. Sometimes the second child starts talking later because the first is always speaking for them. Best of luck!
221. Nicole said:
My oldest daughter is incredible bossy, throws terrible temper tantrums and until she gets exactly what she wants when she wants is just scary! But my second daughter is literally an angel. I feel like having her I won the lottery. I tell people that it's not having a bad child that is good birth control, it's having an incredibly angelic child because I know I'll never get that lucky again!
222. Heather said:
When my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our second child we foolishly shrugged and said "well we already have one, what could be so different?" what we didn't count on is that as we used to outnumber her by one she now has an ally. A 40pound hunk of a two year old boy ally that thinks she walks on water. This may not seem that ominous to people without children, but when your devious six year old insights her younger, more animalistic, louder brother to do her bidding, let me tell you... I love my children but when my husband gets a twinkle and a twinge to have another it insights such fear in me that I want to get my passport in order and move away to some island with a lepor colony. I quickly remind him that while Roz has one to boss around it is a partnership but with two... an army.
I see alot of similarities between Roz and Leta, you don't have a second child in your womb, you have a partner in crime cooking. Good luck, it's fun.
223. LadyLadyLady said:
You know, you could always teach baby #2 some basic sign language. Part of the reason babies get so frustrated pre-language is because they CAN'T communicate with you. Sign language helps bridge the gap...AND makes your life easier as a parent. That's a win-win, if you ask me.
224. Lona said:
Dear Heather,
Can't you get your provider (probably you and your husband self) to make a simultaneous translation into Dutch? It's so funny to read this post.
Also thanks for this day's daily photo: I was wondering how you would choose to comment. And I was not disappointed.
225. Loren said:
thank you so much for sharing this. my mom just came in town for a visit and we were talking about the differences between my sister and me. my sister is the older and did not like to be cuddled and would hit and bite and scream (she's turned out to be a fine upstanding woman). and i was the cuddler, the sleeper, the easy-going one. so here's to hoping...i think i'm a fine upstanding woman, as well. and i am a newlywed and we're approaching the subject of children and i appreciate the healthy dose of reality you throw in with the hope and the happiness of children. blessings to you as you continue this journey.
226. Broady said:
My mom used to threaten me with "if you do/don't (insert verb) this minute, your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower." I cannot wait until my son is old enough to carry on the tradition.
227. Laurie said:
Thanks for reminding me why I had kids. With an almost 3 year-old and a 10 month-old (both girls), I needed a reminder!
228. Erin said:
My mother says my sister and I were as different as night and day. I was the first, difficult, colicky, stubborn, squirmy one, while my younger sister was the sweet quiet angel who loved to be held and did not give my parents a breath of trouble. Although apparently along with that stubbornness and discontent I also managed to have a rather sunny disposition, while my sister is the one making the sour face in all her baby photos.
I am 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first and terrified because I don't know what I am getting into here, not the least of which will be her personality. I can prepare for all the scary things like labor and delivery and breastfeeding, but what if she is difficult? How do I prepare for that? And what if she isn't? I try not to worry but how do you keep from wondering what your kind of person your daughter will be?
229. Amy said:
Reading this makes me want to go poke holes in the condoms and just say fuck it, let's be parents and poor instead of childless and relatively middle class. Sigh.
I'm sure this new little girl will delight and aggravate you in both familiar and brand new ways! Congratulations again!
230. Krista said:
HAH! You just THINK you are fluent in Utter Discontent but i guarantee it will be the same game all over again. It will be a different dialect of Utter Discontent the second time around, the meaning will be the same but you'll have to re-learn the words and the steps. You'll still start sweating as soon as the pitch reaches what is so aptly named the "fevered pitch." You have great expectations for the second like "maybe they'll like to snuggle" or "maybe they'll like taking a bath or not sticking their fingers in light sockets."
My suggestion? Throw that all out the window and remember that even though they come from the same gene pool as the first and may look like a little clone of the first and may even be the same sex as the first.... they are guaranteed to be their very own person, some places will overlap into familiar territory but most won't.
Best of Luck to you, jon and leta it's a fantastic ride . I can say that you get to enjoy more of the little things because you're not worried sick about why they're screaming, you're better suited to realize that they are fed, clean and safe so you can just sit back and... sweat.
231. cj coats said:
Such a lovely way to say "Parenthood is hard as fuck, but worth it".
232. Stacy said:
Beautiful - you have a way of articulating what I feel (and personally cannot put into words!). My daughters are like night and day, but it is definitely easier the second time around...as you said, you will be so much more prepared to communicate with your non-English-speaking baby. And I bet Leta will be a great little helper!
233. Wedje said:
"She spoke in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You." I love (love, love) that sentence and may steal it and apply it in areas of my life that involve more than my child. Thank you. I'm sure my husband has moments where he thinks this applies quite accurately to his wife's dialect.
234. stacy kathryn said:
Yay! Girls freakin rock!
235. Kimberly said:
Beautifully spot on.
236. mae said:
Oh, wait until you become a grandmother. You will learn so much more about Leta and, about yourself. All of the traits that Leta picks up from now until then will suddenly become a picture of who you and Jon are---together!
The greatest part about being a grandmother is that it is not your PRIMARY resonsibility to teach the baby about life. That will be Leta's job leaving you to love in a way you have never known before. And, such is life. The circle begins again. I SO love being a grandmother!!!!
237. JennH said:
Each child is different as I am learning from my two girl toddlers a year a part.
So ha, ha! Enjoy. At least the hand-me-downs are nice.
238. Angie said:
Because raising Leta more than anything else in my life has helped me piece together the puzzle of what it means to be human. I understand my own childhood so much better, understand my own parents so much better,
I would love it if you elaborated on this in future postings. It would be insightful to those of us not yet with children. Thanks Heather.
239. Bonnie said:
Utter Discontent - oh the memories of learning to speak and read it. The sound still twangs some deep nerve string inside of me and renders me noodle-legged and speechless!
(sometimes Mommy just has to take a Time Out!)
xo
240. Amelia said:
I see I'm not the only one who loves this sentence:
"She spoke in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You."
Genius! You've heard it before, I know, but you are an amazing writer.
(I'm a mother of an 11-month-old and 12 weeks pregnant, so I can relate to the language of Utter Discontent.)
241. amy said:
Oh Heather, I'm sure everyone will tell you that they make the first one just good enough to fool you into having a second. And just good enough so you forget about their beastly beginnings, or at least forget about how bad it really was.
Our first was a perfect baby - sleeping in her crib, in her room, from 8:30pm - 7am long before my 12 weeks of leave was up, nice disposition, never cried for stupid shit, easygoing, would go to anyone, very easy, very flexible. Never got sick. Hit all of her milestones right on time.
We were fools.
Baby #2, who we do love a great deal, could not be more opposite. Has had random bouts of not sleeping through the night, has had to have antibiotics 3 times in her 17 months, cries all.the.time., disagreeable, not talking yet (may be a blessing in disguise), doesn't like going to grammas, grampas, and aunts and uncles (finally getting over that). Just a completely different animal.
The best part?
Now that the little one is settling into who she is and becoming a little easier, the older one is becoming more beastly as she approaches age 5 (I think she's a few months younger than Leta).
Moral of this: It ebbs and flows, and you'll just adjust to it, juggle them around, and overall enjoy having two. I mean, you can't leave a kid to not have a sibling to bitch with about you guys in 20 years!
Good luck!
242. Katherine said:
Like the world that is accessed/known through the rearing of children, it's scary to think of the other pockets of reality that are hiding in plain sight.
243. Kristen from MA said:
RE: daily photo, 1/21/09
'Unbecoming?' NOTHING could make than man less hot. NOTHING! (You could say he's 'smokin' hot!' Thank you, I'm here all week...)
244. Lynn said:
Here's a thought: try teaching the new one sign language. I hear it works with babies and toddlers, although by the time I heard about it Lauren was starting to put words together besides a string of no No NOOOOs! Although maybe the only sign the kid will pick up is the universal sign of Utter Discontent :). (I'm stealing that phrase, by the way.)
As parents, we do the best we can. At least you have a sense of humor about it. There's something to be said for self-deprecation in the face of a screaming preschooler who is flinging the cheese that was touching the beans against the wall.
And maybe, just maybe, you'll get rewarded with an Angel Baby this time around.
Best,
Lynn
245. Serial said:
Ah yes, the secret club that parents never get tired of telling people without kids about.
I am SO sick of my friends who are mothers looking at me all mooney faced and saying, "I can't wait until you do this!" Because me? I can wait. It's cool.
246. Catherine said:
You know what? The second child is SO much easier. It's really a totally different experience (and I have a feeling it will be doubly so for you, just because Leta was such a "difficult" baby).
The older I get, the more I realize just how much value there is to having "experience". Things that you used to struggle with, things that you used to have to put a lot of thought into before coming up with the solution, are suddenly easy, or at least easier, because experience has already shown us what to do (and what not to do).
It's wonderful, too, because with that second child all of the worries you had with the first are so much smaller, and the stress you feel is so much lighter. It leaves you with a lot more time (and patience) to spend loving and enjoying and being amazed by the child. (I'm convinced this is at least part of the reason why mothers always have such a tight bond with their youngest child).
247. Moltomom said:
Wow...fantastic post. As I was reading, it struck me how much I've learned over the past three years with my son but haven't really given it much thought until now. Your post made me realize just how important it is to sit up and take notice.
248. Beth said:
Your insight into this second baby is exactly the way I am feeling right now. I am due in 4 weeks with my second child but, unlike Leta, my first has been relatively easy. She's laid back and adapts to change even better than I do. But reading your thoughts on pregnancy this time around always makes me smile and I can't read any of your posts without finding myself nodding my head in agreement.
I especially agree with your statement about understanding your childhood and parents better now. My first child is only 2 years old so I can't even imagine what she will show me in the next three years that Leta has already shown you, but my oh my how much she has taught me already.
249. Leah said:
Ok..I have to ask; how do you not have one single piece of dog hair or dust ball in any of your pics?? The Daily Chuck today (1/21) for instance; not one spec of dust, hair, fur, dirt on that beautiful hardword floor. How do you do it???
250. Christy said:
Add me to the list of women with daughters who are complete opposites. I thought my first was our hard one until the second one came along 19 months later...but to be honest, she is easier in certain ways.
One of the reasons I love reading your posts (in addition to your gift of writing) is that Leta reminds me so much of my daughter who is about a year younger, so I sort of get to watch what's about to happen with my little one.
Number two was the one drawn to the outlets, the climber, the runner, the bold-in-your-face kind of kid who didn't cry with every little bump or bruise.
Yet, there are times that life seems like it's repeating itself with the little one...some things are amazingly similar.
I am really happy that you are going into it so much more prepared this time. I am anxiously awaiting the addition to your lovely family.
251. Dogmom said:
You know, it was my choice not to have children. I'm 55 years old now, and when I do come into contact with someone, obviously, who is younger than I who has children, I feel slightly intimidated and in awe of that person. So I exactly what you mean when you say you were let into a secret club. I think you -- and all the other parents out there, young and older -- reallly were inducted into that siter- and brotherhood that I have no idea about. I can only guess. You know something that I do not, and I am amazed.
252. Paige said:
Hi Heather. I have a four year old and a 4 month old. My 4 year old was a very easy baby, but I suffered tremendous post partum depression after I had her. I worried so much about my son (4 months) but I managed with medications (and with lots of help from family watching the kids so I could nap and take care of myself - I did everything by myself with my daughter) to avoid post partum depression this time. The kicker? My son has had colic, reflux, sucks at sleeping, is crabby unless being held, etc. He is 4 months old and still wakes me up every 3 hours some nights. The gift of the 2nd child is the ability to manage it all with much more calm! You will do great! You won't believe how much easier it is after having already gone thru it. You'll see!
253. Rio Gringa said:
Hey Dooce,
Where's your post on the inauguration? I've been anxiously awaiting it since yesterday! I know you've written a bit about Obama after the election but I'm interested to see your thoughts on yesterday.
Love,
Rio Gringa
254. Ashley said:
I have to agree with you about that secret club. You learn so much about from becoming a parent. The biggest thing for me was finally understaning my own parents.
255. Wendy said:
You have one like I did. I remember not sleeping for more than 45 minutes in a row for 18 months. Going nearly bazonkers. Once I even decided to let her "cry it out" - which last until I gave up, at 6:30 the next morning--and accomplished nothing except to switch her days & nights. I remember a tantrum at 11 months old that was so fierce she knocked out one of her own teeth - explain THAT to a suspicious pediatric oral surgeon!
Kids like my Dolly & your Leta are the ones that grow us as parents. If you are blessed, you'll have a second child like my 2nd child, Cowboy. A kid so easy that you could nearly forget he's even there. A kid so even-tempered that when he actually misbehaves you have to stand there for a second and recover from the shock.
One kid to make you a better parent (if I hadn't had Dolly, I would be a lazy, useless mom, I just know it), and one kid to make you grateful for every moment that isn't hard. I hope you have that.
(I would have had three or four if I could have picked their personalities off the shelf. But I can only raise one of Dolly, so I thought better of that 3rd child.)
W
256. pogonip said:
Good news--you're about to enter the world of Day and Night. The Second Child and the concept of One-Eighty Degrees are kindred spirits. Fortunately you had Leta first--my "Leta" was the second child and I spent a good two years saying "your brother NEVER did that" on a good many sleepless nights.
257. Keelie said:
At this very moment the broken record of my mother saying "you won't understand until you're a parent yourself" is playing in my head.
I don't think I'm brave enough to have a second one - but I'm also content w/ the one I have - and either way, I'm so grateful for the experience she's given me. Even when I'm tempted to post her on Ebay and ship her to the highest bidder, there's always something good that's come out of that same day, to make me smile and remember how thankful I am that she's mine. And only the other members of the secret club understand that ;)
PS - the photo of Jon & his pipe... I imagine that if Bono were to do a Sherlock Holmes impression, THAT'S what it would look like. Right there.
258. Lana in Canada said:
Do not have time to read all the previous comments, as I usually do, but just want to say, I totally agree, Heather.
Parenting is so, so hard, but so, so beautiful and I am happy and grateful to have the privilege of giving life to and raising my own two incredible little girls.
259. Stephanie said:
Not really the place for this comment, but I just had to say... Dude, Jon looks hot in today's "daily photo." One might even say... smokin' hot. (But only if they were terribly dorky like me.)
260. kelly said:
Thank god I'm not the only parent that has threatened to staple lips shut!
261. Alissa said:
Thank you for those last two paragraphs. Just nails parenting on the head.
"...we had no idea there was this much to know until our children showed it all to us."
Pure gold.
262. d3 voiceworks said:
#127. I think it'd be a lot of hoop-jumping to FIND Playboy in Utah. Sure, we have special magazine stores, just like we have special two-pant suit stores (for the missionaries).
I, too, think Jon looks awesome, and curiously becoming and sometimes I wish I could have a hand-rolled cig but alas, baby in utero would NOT like it.
263. Robyn said:
I never comment, and frankly don't read as often as I used to, but I wanted to say this is my favorite post you've ever done. So beautifully said. So true.
264. Cindy said:
I have a 2 yr old and am 22 weeks with baby #2. I can't count the number of people who have told me the second baby is completely different from the first and that's what I'm a little bit afraid of! #1 was so easy I felt embarrassed to admit it to my struggling mom friends. So I'm sure #2 is going to kick my butt hard. Still, I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore!
265. Sarah Prock said:
Bravo, Heather, bravo.
266. Sarah Prock said:
Bravo, Heather, bravo.
267. moggit girls said:
Having a second child is wonderful in that you know the drill, you know what to do...
The best part is, usually the second child is an easy going one. Enjoy the moments...
Joy and Janet
268. Chris Ronk said:
Thank you for bringing me back to the days when my children were crying balls of colicky screams.
*good times
269. Rick Smith said:
Lovely post, Heather. All so true. <3
270. Jeanine said:
Right on sister. Perfectly said. I have a 4 1/2 year old and an almost 7 month old (both boys) and they are certainly different beings. Both good sleepers, so I'll keep my fingers crossed for you guys, hoping that particular trait carries forward!
271. Internet conseils said:
Great post. Thank you!
272. Sweet Herald said:
Spot on and well said.
273. Sara said:
Yes. This is exactly how I feel. Grace just turned 5, and baby #2 is due on June 22nd. At times, I wonder "What if it's harder this time around?" because last time was pretty damn rough, but.. it's still worth it.
274. angelawd said:
Every time I read one of these "Screaming Leta" posts, I wonder how on earth she is going to adjust to a sibling.
Not to make you anxious, or anything. Sorry.
275. Paula said:
Hi Heather - Thanks for always saying what you think. You have inspired me to start my own blog at www.jewtah.com. I'm a fellow Utahn, but of the tribe called Jew. Hope to meet you in the future!
276. April said:
To your question: What if this one is actually curious about light sockets?
They will live. My husband is living proof of that. As a child hehe stuck a pair of tweezers in a light socket, hung himself while playing cowboys and indians, , drank lye, crashed and flipped cars... He is still alive and healthy. However, after being a dare devil as a child, they may grow up and join the military so they can hang from helicopters and jump out of airplanes.
Just giving you fair warning!!!
277. Bren said:
There is nothing more that I want out of this life than to be a mom one day. Your words about motherhood just brought tears to my eyes. Very eloquently written, thank you for that.
278. Anonymous said:
Thank you so much for adding a light to every day. My favorite thing is to get of the computer and read your wonderful posts and hilarious lines. One of few daily pleasures. Thank you so much.
279. HAGERDASH said:
Great post. A lot of heart and soul, Heather. I do feel concerned about how all this public sharing is going to affect your little girl some day. But I can also appreciate how it has helped lots of women, regardless of whether they have children or not. I'm looking forward to reading your book when it comes out in March.
280. alphakoshka said:
So many of your stories about Leta remind me of the stories my mother tells (read: uses as leverage) on me. I was a bossy screamer, never slept, and would pick one food to eat per day (usually carrots, bread, or grapes, which I somehow managed to get my dad to INDIVIDUALLY PEEL for me). All my stuff had to be accounted for at all times and no one else could touch any of it on pain of the screaming. Dogs were disgusting and a waste of space on this (my) earth, and people existed only to entertain and/or serve me. My mother admits to being secretly a bit pleased whenever I hurt myself playing because it's the only time my scrawny butt would so much as graze her lap. (If I were her, I'd have been pleased for other reasons, but she hasn't copped to that yet...)
My little brother, on the other hand, was (and is) irritatingly sweet and adorable, cuddly to a fault, and annoyingly eager to please. I so hope your second baby turns out like him - he was exactly what my mom needed, and he was also the best toy/minion a tiny dictator like me could have demanded. :-)
Also, on a semi-related and possibly encouraging note - I apparently got all my matricidal rage out as a toddler, because I never did the standard angry teenager thing, and my mother has been my best friend since middle school (but not in a weird "I have no friends other than my mother" way or anything). So hey, maybe Leta will follow suit and you'll get a reprieve from the crazy here in a few years!
281. Carrie said:
And we are all on this crazy, wonderful, frustrating ride called PARENTHOOD together!
Isn't it fun? :)
282. traceytreasure said:
Great post!
283. agrajjag said:
my older sister was a total bastard, but i (of course!) was the complete opposite. it's the way it goes, and it's why i'm never having another child ever because my two year old is a beautiful, smart, complete little angel and i don't want to ruin it!
284. Leah said:
Lurker here. I was beyond shocked when my second son turned out so differently from my first. My first was a good baby, my second is a SWEET baby and there's all the difference in the world there. I love them equally, but my second has my heart in a special way. I'm sure you have thousands of people asking you to, but if you check my blog you'll see my latest newsletter (inspired by you) to my second. His smile will make you ovulate, despite your current state of pregnancy. Falling in love with a newborn is the most amazing experience. I'm jealous of you, even despite having done it twice!
285. Moms At Work said:
I think about this crap as I'm trying to get pregnant with my second. Thanks so much for always sharing what I'm thinking without making me blab myself :)
286. The Jaded NYer said:
Just be prepared... the second child is always the anti-christ. Case in point: my younger sister and my 2nd daughter.
Godspeed, Heather... Godspeed!
287. SuzieQ said:
Just know that some day in the future your day will be made when your adult child is a mother and exclaims "I can't believe it!! I just opened my mouth and out came MY MOTHER'S EXACT WORDS AND VOICE". What a day that will be...and believe me, it WILL come..
288. Teresa said:
Oh man, oh man, oh man. I love how and WHAT you write.
289. Laurel said:
WHAT IF SHE'S A REPUBLICAN? Someone had to say it.
291. Lynn said:
I've never heard anyone else say "secret club". That's what I said shortly after my first was born. Now I've been in the secret club for seven years and I also understand why the first time I said that to a parent of a 10-yr-old just said, "It's not exactly a SECRET." You get so used to it that you forget how you used to be and feel. Anyway, thanks for reminding me of that "secret club" feeling, when I felt this whole new world opening up for me for the first time.
292. StuffCooksWant said:
It is a law of mankind that if you have one difficult to control, horribly-behaved, spawn-of-the-devil child, the next one is the easy one. It's a written guarantee. You'll get it at the hospital.
Unfortunately for me, I had the easy one first, so I thought all babies took 5 hours naps, slept through the night at 8 weeks and never cried. HA! The second one would have been an only child if he had been born first!
We tell him he has to take care of us when we're old and toothless because he OWES us...and I plan on crying all night long.
293. Kate said:
This post almost made me want another. Thanks again for bringing me back to reality and not 'will this ever end?', because sadly, I know it will and I am looking forward to it and feeling sad about it at the same time.
294. Lynn said:
The thing that pissed me off about having the second one is that you finally know what you're doing with BABIES - except now you have the older child to deal with, too. The kids, individually, are not the problem for me. How to parent the kids TOGETHER has confounded me since day one of the second. It's a weird multiplication factor. It's like the second one feels like more like you've added a factor of four. But maybe it's just me...
295. Asianmommy said:
It's true--I'm a different person since becoming a mother. It's scary and exhausting and wonderful all at the same time.
296. Josie said:
Please savor every minute with your girls. I am an "empty nester" now and it feels like just a minute ago they were little and running around here. I have 3 daughters and the oldest (a brunette) is a lawyer, my middle girl (a redhead) is in medical school, and the baby (a blonde)is an engineering major at undergrad. My husband and I didn't attend college and we pinch ourselves everyday how this blessing has happened to us!!
Their personalities are as different as their hair!! Gotta love it!!!!!
Love your website Heather. My prayers are with you for health and happiness.
297. Anonymous said:
I'd suggest sending this post to yourself when your 3 months into the post bith fanfare. U know, when the whys get blurred by the exhaustion. :). Yay! for children. Makes sense to me anyway.
~GoGo
298. natasha said:
I am 11 days in with the second baby, my first (a girl) also being a non cuddler, non climber, good sleeper but a terror as an infant! This second one is a DREAM. I'm of course bracing myself for 3 weeks to see if he suddenly becomes a nightmare, but it is SUCH a difference having a kid who just kind of whimpers when upset, sleeps peacefully, gets soothed almost instantly. I hope you are also blessed with 2nd baby easi-tude!
299. Sully said:
What a beautiful comment! I just hope that I can discover these sort of things with my future children.
300. Melis said:
I love the way you phrased it- "like we had no idea there was this much to know until our children showed it all to us". I SO GET THAT.
Excellent post- and speaking from experience, that whole screaming till it feels like blood is pouring from your ears thing ends relatively soon. Also, if memory serves correct, most second babies are the easygoing, whatev types. My second, 18 months younger than her sister, was easier it seemed.
301. kate said:
thank you, thank you for saying all of this. my kids are not quite 2 years apart - what were we thinking???? - and I often see similarities between Leta and Lucy, but Zoe? oh, man, we broke the mold with our second child. she is full of fire and she's hysterical and she's downright ornery. I love that two people made from the same parents can be so incredibly different. I also love that you admit to not knowing what to expect. I think I was SO guilty of thinking I knew it all after having one child and thought number two would be a breeze - BOY was I wrong, but would never, ever do it differently. I wish you could know how thrilled I am for you and I don't even know you! enjoy every minute of it...