For better, for worse
I wanted to post this episode of Momversation and open it up for discussion here because it's not usual for me to have such a different opinion than that of the other panelists, and in this case it's not so much of a different opinion than it is a different experience. What's more difficult, motherhood or marriage? And when I thought about this question it was pretty clear cut for me. I mean, six months into parenthood I checked myself into a mental hospital. That's a pretty good indication that the software was not compatible with my operating system.
Whereas my marriage has caused its fair share of wrinkles, but it hasn't ever made me consider checking out of life.
In the original videos that I submitted to this conversation I go into my reasoning a bit more, but the constraints of the Momversation platform sort of make it impossible to include all the footage, and this is perhaps my only complaint about this project. Sometimes a key point or explanation is edited out or sentences are cut in half, and what I originally hoped to get across is compromised. In this instance I wish they had left in the part where I talk about how much easier motherhood has gotten for me, how the instincts I thought would kick in immediately took their damn sweet time and I had no idea what I was doing for about a year. Those instincts finally did settle in, and when I look back at those first few months the memories have the same tone and color as the memory of being dropped into a pool not knowing how to swim.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I really had no experience with babies, whereas before I got married I dated a wide variety of men, some hairy, some bald, many of them gay. I'd lived with men before, had shared my stuff, had compromised my tastes and time to make things work, and so I understood what kind of energy it requires to make a relationship last. And when I started dating Jon I knew that he was the person with whom I could make it work, with whom I wanted to make it work.
This does not mean my marriage is easy by any means, and in the original footage I talk about the many years of therapy we have been in personally and together as a couple. Our therapist has been paid a lot of money to teach us to tell each other, hey, stop treating me this way, you're not meeting my needs, I feel this way when you act like that. And yes, my nose scrunches up like that often when we have those types of discussions. And the argument usually ends with Jon going OH MY GOD I'M MARRIED TO YOUR GRANNY.
And while motherhood has become so much more natural to me there is still so much uncharted territory ahead, and I find that each age is so different than the one that preceded it that sometimes, although infrequently, it feels like we're starting from the beginning all over again. Sure, there are similar surprises in marriage, but right now almost eight years into our relationship I feel like what we share is the rock I use to stabilize myself when being jarred by everything else around me.
I'm curious about your experiences. Do you find one is easier than the other? (And since some of us aren't allowed to marry the ones we love let's extend the discussion to relationships in general.)
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
601. Nutmeg said:
You probably don't need more affirmation than you've already gotten (and I only read the first ten comments)
But yes, parenthood is harder, for me and he's only two.
I think because all marriages are different and all kids are different that this is apples and volkswagens.
My marriage is a friendship and a partnership and we can have logical, reasoned conversations about meeting eachother's needs, shortcomings etc.
My first six months with my son (much like yours) he screamed. He screamed all day long, he screamed while I nursed him, he screamed while I walked around bouncing and patting and shushing him, he screamed if I put him down, he screamed constantly. It is very isolating to have a kid like that, partly because NO ONE BELIEVES you and partly because you get NO AFFIRMATION that you can make this person happy or even COMFORTABLE. He was in apparent misery all the time and that is so, so denigrating.
The only way my marriage could be worse than taking care of my now two year old son (who is hysterical and funny and I love and nearly throw up when I think about something bad happening to him) is if I was married to a man who literally spit on me, told me I was fat and ugly, told me I made him angry and miserable and was ruining his life, all was I was trying my hardest to make his life as good as possible. I didn't marry a guy like that, so... yeah... being a parent has been harder, and I can't imagine that 2-18 are going to be easier than 0-2 have been.
602. Leann I Am said:
To me, it's easier to be a parent than a wife. I guess some marriages are more clearly defined than mine or something. There are so many couples you can just glance at and you know who 'wears the pants.' David and I each have a leg of those 'pants' and our marriage is often like one disastrous three-legged race. Lots of stumbling, no one really knows who's in charge.
I'm the boss of my kids and they know that. My husband...he just hasn't figured out that I'm his boss. Let's just say that there is a lot of 'Paper, Rock, Scissors' being played around here to make decisions...
603. Anonymous said:
My husband and I separated 2 years ago and he lives 1500 miles away from me and our 5-yr-old daughter. He comes down 4 times a year to visit. That being said, I offer up my opinion:
1. Marriage is easier because you can walk out. I watched my parents' horrible relationship and vowed never to put a chid through that. I got married knowing I could leave.
2. Motherhood is a mixed bag because I am a single Mom. I have to do all the housework, work full-time, and be a Mom all at once. But, I call all the shots and that frees my mind for other interests. I have a great relationship with my daughter and it fulfills me. A lot of married couples make me cringe - you can feel the constant power struggle and silent demand to be understood in even the most mundane conversations. I get embarrassed for them because I'm free.
604. Anonymous said:
Comment 603, specifically this part:
"A lot of married couples make me cringe - you can feel the constant power struggle and silent demand to be understood in even the most mundane conversations. I get embarrassed for them because I'm free."
IS.SPOT.ON
605. Lisa said:
Being a mom came so naturally to me. Since I have three girls I can totally relate to them and sometimes, ok alot of the time, it's frustrating...but it's definately easier than the marriage thing. I've 40 years old and I've been married for 18 years...the past 8 have been a struggle at times.
ps - Your 16 week photo - you don't even look pregnant girl!
606. Cara said:
My personal experience and opinion - parenthood is insanely harder than marriage. But, I am married to my best friend, we have been together since high school and married 12 years going strong and we both have decided that parenthood is too overwhelming for us, so we aren't having any kids. We have friends with children and are close with them but can't imagine being responsible for a life or multiple lives 24/7 like that. I applaud all parents and how you ALL don't end up in the looney bin is completely beyond me!
607. E2WCoastMom said:
While it probably depends on each person's individual experience, I think being a good parent is much, much harder, particularly, if you want to be a good parent (what ever that means). The early days are relatively easy (as difficult as they are): feed, change diaper, sleep. But then the real challenges begin: How long do you let your child cry before you go into his/her room at night? How do you get your child to eat healthily? How do you teach your child not to bite, hit or kick? And, those challenges seem to increase as they get older (my eldest is 6 and I have yet to have these topics get easier!)
And, ultimately, if I'm not a good parent and if I don't provide good guidance, there is so much more at stake: it's someone else's (innocent) life that I'm potentially messing up. The stakes are higher which makes it a lot more stressful. This all said, I love being a parent and wouldn't change it for the world. The more I work at being a better mom, the more I become a better me!
If my relationship bombs, yeah, that would be awful, but it's my life and we're both adults and can take responsibility for our own actions.
608. MizMell said:
Marriage or motherhood? They're both tremendously challenging at times--I'm just thankful NOT AT THE SAME TIME.
609. Natalie said:
I agree with you, Heather. Marriage is much easier for me. I think it's because I can look at my husband and say, "Jesus Fucking Christ! Will you just give me five minutes to myself!" and he understands that I am five seconds away from slicing up all the pillows in the house.
I can't say such a thing to my children. I can't even sweetly say, "Honey, can you give mommy just a few minutes to go to the bathroom by herself?" They don't get it. They don't see the Mommy Dearest trying to come to the surface.
In my marriage, I'm dealing with another rational adult. In motherhood, I'm dealing with two children who literally think the sun rose this morning because they deemed it must.
610. Kristy said:
I'm married, but have no children. Marriage has been really easy for me. It does take work, but I'd hardly call it difficult.
The thought of motherhood terrifies me to no end. Probably explains why I'm 36 and have no children!
611. Terry said:
I agree with #6 Kalisa about how much harder the teenage years can be. I am on my last one - 17 year old, male; previous two were female. This year has been my most difficult year as a mother and as a wife. Right now the marriage and parenting are equally hard. Not sure the marriage is going to make it over the long haul (has already been a 23 year long haul). While marriage is difficult, I don't think that it should be harder than the parenting. I mean your marriage partner should be your reliable ally right?
Anyway Heather, one of the negative effects on my parenting was the fact that I had undiagnosed and untreated acute depression most of my adult life - so you and yours are way ahead of the curve.
612. Natalie said:
Being a parent is easy. Having a marriage is easy. But being good at either is hard.
As a two time divorcee (Ok, I'm still technically married to the second, but we haven't lived together in nearly two years), I would say a marriage is more difficult because the love isn't always unconditional. You have to REALLY work at it when you may not want to. It is not always necessarily a labor of love on both parts.
Parenting, on the other hand, is almost always a two way unconditional love street. I WANT to be the best parent I can to my son and even though most of the time I fail miserably, I think I am a decent enough mom. It is HARD, but it comes more naturally than working on a marriage does.
613. Guy from SLC said:
Well - Marriage without children = an adventure or boundless proportions.
Marriage with 1 child = an opportunity to fall in love with your spouse all over again in a way that you never knew you could. Even though all of those complementary things about each of you suddenly become a source of conflict. Marriage is easier than raising a child.
Marriage with 2 children = A whole new world of discombobulation. I thought we had a few things figured out after the first. But as my wife (very astutely) put it, with two no matter what you do you are always disappointing someone.
Parenting multiple children probably kills a lot of marriages. Strong evidence to me that raising children is far more difficult.
And - Parenting multiple children together is friggin'/fetchin'/frickin' abso-f*ckin'-lutely amazing.
614. dre said:
I would have to say marriage is much easier - before motherhood ever came to be.
Motherhood is in itself easier, but would be unimaginable without my marriage. I'm so thankful for the "easy years" we shared before our son came along. That is definitely the solid foundation upon which this whole house of cards is built.
P.S. Leta's hair is adorable in today's pic!
615. Lish said:
I have to agree with you - parenthood is completely harder than a relationship.
While relationships do have the power to wear you down and break your heart, they cannot compete with the day to day heartache that being a parent brings.
When your children go through the stages of their life too quickly for you - or not quickly enough. When you want to slip them meds to make them sleep the night through, when you wish you could fix every problem, when you wish someone else could just take them for FIVE MINUTES! FIVE MINUTES OF QUIET, PLEASE!
At the same time, I will say that success in my relationship provides a day to day comfort but is not nearly as fulfilling as letting go of my daughter little by little and watch her making good decisions and forming her own opinions that have nothing to do with whatever I may happen to think on the subject.
She's growing and thinking for herself and I have helped her grow to the point where she can do that.
But... boy is the process exhausting at times.
616. Tammy said:
Looking from the other end (daughter 27, married 29 years), I'd say they're about equal. It's a constantly changing thing as you go through the phases of life. Don't sweat the small stuff. My test question: Will this matter when I'm dead? Concentrate on the things that will matter when you're gone and you'll be fine. Jettison the rest of the annoying stuff.
Oh - and don't forget to have fun along the way - like this, for instance:
http://thebutterflymind.com/ramblings_0070_cookingbabies.htm
http://www.thebutterflymind.com
617. Britt said:
I've been married for a number of years, but have not been able to get pregnant for most of that time. It's hard knowing my body may never carry a child, but like you I don't feel I was born with the mommy instincts. I hold a newborn and almost have a panic attack. If a baby cries I don't know what to do with it. My husband wants to adopt and I feel that that is a wonderful blessing and opportunity, but I'm scared that unless I give birth that I won't get the mommy instincts and I'll screw up my adopted child. My husband and I definitely have hard times, but the difficulty of marriage pales in comparison at the thought of motherhood. My tune may change when I finally become a mother.
618. Michelle said:
Chiming in a little late...
But I'd have to say that marriage is miles more difficult for me than motherhood. I grew up with divorce from the age of nine, and also had a big hand in raising my little brother who was born when I was seventeen. So I think I had my eyes open to the unpleasant aspects of both marriage and parenthood, and had an opportunity to see the adults in my life f-ing both of them up and thinking "well, I'd never let that happen/ treat my child this way".
If not for the time, energy and emotion that parenthood eats up for us, I think marriage would hands down be "easier" than parenthood. I think that because of a lack of balance in my life, I find it so much more difficult to work on my marriage when it needs attention. When your children need you, as Alice pointed out, you don't get to put them off for a week, month or year.
In response to your comment Heather about not going on dates with someone who'd scream in your ear for hours... our expectations of our spouse and their role in our marriage are (and should be) so much different than our expectations for our infant/ child's behavior. Loving a child through the tough times is easy (although keeping your cool isn't always). Loving an adult that doesn't do what you ask of them, and doesn't say thank you, or that is self absorbed is often impossible. So for that reason, I don't believe that marriage vs motherhood is really a very fair comparison, but certainly an interesting conversation!
619. RaynDragon said:
I would have to say marriage is like a pair of woolen socks, pre-heated in the dryer just prior to wearing - sometimes scratchy, but with that oh-my-god-that-is-the-best-thing-ever feeling when your feet are cold. My husband is also my rock, and marriage to him is something I just slipped my feet into and am still grinning about.
Parenthood, on the other hand, is more like a bra. You need to have that support, and you like the way the bra looks on you. But, by the end of the day you frequently want to just take the damned thing off already and relax.
I love my children without reservation, much like I love my husband. But every once in a while I'd like a day off from being "mommy" all the time. Yet I always envision that day off as spending time with my husband. I think that says it all for me.
620. Heather S said:
I have been around babies a ton since 15 yrs. So far, I would say parenthood is easier for me. I had a long string of dysfunctional relationships and "issues" and wasn't sure how to handle a normal caring man like my husband. We balance each other out but sometimes I wonder if its only a matter of time before the scales tip.
Hardest of all I think has been marriage with child. We are getting ready to have our second as well and I have to say I am so glad that we have the experience of the first behind us. The amount of stress we went through trying to navigate through unknown waters really tested our relationship. It's only going to get tougher!
Now with the pregnancy my poor husband is a trooper. My hormones are nuts and i always just want to go to sleep. So our marriage is stronger now than before definitely but I am still always pushing buttons.
621. Anonymous said:
Funny that you mention this - but as I went through the screaming match with my 8 year old daughter yesterday before school (It doesn't occur that often but when it does look out.) Mommyhood is much harder than marriage. Don't get me wrong, I love my child - but I got to choose my husband and his personality (not always easy....but there it is) the child you have is who they are. The worst part is they tend to be so much a part of the worst of who you are - and the best. That seems to be when our parents seem to laugh at us the most. Bastards I say. Loving, lovely total bastards. :)
Rochelle
622. Danielle said:
I know this is very off topic... but why have I seen no mention that Dooce is nominated for Best Diarist in the 2008 Weblog Awards? Go vote people...
http://2008.weblogawards.org/polls/best-diarist/
623. Laura said:
Both are a blessing but also require work. However, pregnancy and motherhood have been MUCH harder than being married. I agree w/ Heather that when you have dated people before marriage, you have quite a bit more "experience" than you do as a new parent. Children are wonderful, but those first few months are truly exhausting, challenging, and hormonally wacky. When your baby cries, sometimes you feel like "you are doing it all wrong." It's a lot easier to have a discussion w/ your partner about why something isn't working than it is to understand why your 7 week old newborn won't stop crying from 7pm-11pm EVERY night. It also doesn't help new parents adjust to parenthood when people criticize your parenting styles- why are/aren't you breastfeeding, why isn't your child sleeping through the night, your choice of crib vs co-sleeping, and all the other landmines people *feel* is their business to judge you on at a time when you feel like you really are trying to do your best, and the criticisms just make it all a lot harder.
624. Meg said:
Hands down, Motherhood is much more challenging to me that I ever thought it would be. I was not prepared for this...AT ALL. Something happened to me on the inside where I went into a depression and it was your site Heather that inspired me to do something about it. Your experience saved my life. Literally, I do not say that lightly.
Motherhood has proven to be very difficult for me or rather my reaction to it. It has gotten better and I think that is because I have. Marriage is definately a challenge, for sure but nothing compares to the absolute, drop dead fear I had with my son. And the loneliness that came with it. No one tells you you will lose your single friends and will be isolated for like a whole year. No one tells you that your nipples are going to crack and get sore from breastfeeding. And, no one told me the fear that I would experience from realizing that this little person, for the moment, totally depends on me. When I had my son, I literally thought "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO AND WHAT WAS I FUCKING THINKING??????" There were other life circumstances happening at that time as well that contributed to my depression but motherhood sent me over the edge. I had a similiar experience as yours and wanted to go to the hospital and my mother and husband were yelling at me telling me i had to excersize, eat healthier, get more sleep, pray, will it away and I did all of those things and I was getting worse. I finally called someone outside the family unit and got some much needed help. Now, my family has a totally different spin on medication and depression. Only because they saw the difference it has made in my life.
Thank you, Heather. xxxxxxxooooooooo
625. Heather M. said:
Becoming a mother is the hardest thing I have ever or will ever do. Not the getting pregnant or delivering the baby (although that was no walk in the park) but the actual taking the baby home and caring for him. 6 months in and I still question what I am doing.
His first several weeks were so damn hard. He barely slept, cried all the time and I'm not talking about a low volume cry. I am talking full on screaming type cry that I could not stop, I could not sooth him - nothing worked. My husband would call from work only to hear me on the other end sobbing and our son screaming in the background. Not a wonderful welcome to motherhood in my neck of the woods.
At least with my husband I can ask him what is wrong, tell him he is being a jerk or ask him if he realizes that by saying that or that he makes me feel this way. We can communicate - unfortunately babies are not born being able to have a full conversation. Heck I'm still trying to figure out our son's cries. I'm learning and he is learning and I doubt I'll ever stop learing to be a mother.
626. Anonymous said:
I definitely think Marriage is harder. Being a mother came very naturally for me. But marriage, although it is what I wanted is much harder.
627. aJenniferOriginal said:
Heahter - "(And since some of us aren't allowed to marry the ones we love let's extend the discussion to relationships in general.)"
Jennifer - Gawd I love that Heather, thank you. Usually the little shock is b/c I noticed that I was left out of the discussion. Today the little shock was b/c I was included. Bless you in a totally godless, zany kinda way.
628. aJenniferOriginal said:
P/S Depsite being included/encouraged to weigh in, I have decided motherhood is far too difficult before taking the plunge and choose not to subject myself and my potential offspring to it. Marriage or partnerhood? That's crazy hard sometimes. If the crazyhard continues for too awful long, GET OUT.
629. lisa said:
marriage is harder, but only by a little. Both can be blissful, both can be a bitch. Since I don't have teenagers in the house, I suspect that when my children get older, I may change my tune....cause teenagers are hell, from what I hear.
630. Becky said:
Since I'm a single parent, I say it's easier to be a mother. My kid, I get. Men, clearly I don't.
As always I appreciate your honestly Heather...
631. Z said:
I don't think you can evaluate marriage until you're looking back 30 years or more. You can't compare it with parenthood. Assuming you stay married and end up with a good loving relationship with your children, you may have, at times, have had incredibly challenging times (both of you, parenthood and marriage are intertwined) with your children, but as long as they don't get into a serious drug, alcohol or similar problem, they are out of your immediate hair after 20 years or so. You're married, I hope, forever. You have to keep working at it forever..
The most challenging time of my parental life was when I had a teenage daughter. Second, when I had my first baby. Third, my elder teenage son. No period of my 36 years of marriage has hit those levels of difficulty. But overall, marriage has required more work, not because of its problems but to make sure that major problems don't arise or are solved.
632. Lisa said:
Finally another person validates what I have been saying since my daughter was born 2+ years ago. Marriage, although also difficult at times, is built by 2 adults. I can tell my husband I don't like him right now. Or maybe want him dead at this exact moment. Confess to thoughts of suffocating him in his sleep because he was snoring and I had a big meeting in the morning. But he ALWAYS knows I'm kidding. Accidentally let one of those comments slip out when chatting with your kid and it's 15 years of therapy @ $150/hr.
633. Greet said:
I think you are one of the luckiest women in the world when it comes to love, because it seems to me that you two are so, so right for each other that no matter what you'll always get through it, and be stronger as a couple because of it. Not everyone has that, so maybe that's why the other blogger moms find marriage so difficult. I can only hope I'll find someone with whom I'll have that connection that you and Jon have.
On the other hand you had quite your share of bad luck with not knowing how to be a mom. Some people have it right from the start, some people don't, there's no way of knowing which one it'll be and there's no way of "training" to be a mom. I think I can imagine how you must have felt and how you sometimes still feel about motherhood. Babies are the most vulnerable loveable creatures in the world and my heart stops when someone makes me hold one, because I'm terrified of dropping it (seriously, I stop breathing just to concentrate), so I don't want to know what I'll be like when I'll be a mom later!
This kind of thing is different for everyone, it's personal, and I think it's a coincidence that you happen to be the only one in this position on the panel.
634. d3 voiceworks said:
I just spent way too much time reading way too many comments, and now I'm frEEkin'!
My deepest hope and goal is to maintain a healthy adult relationship with my husband, raise a good and decent and independent son, and integrate our daughter (husband's biological, my almost-adopted) who is nearly 5 into a nice family unit where we spend a lot of quality and adventurous time together but where husband and I have a dose of grown up reality, on a regular basis. That doesn't mean keeping a big separating screen between us and the kids, but it does mean self-respect for who we are as individuals and a married couple and knowing what we've experienced to this point, so that we can enjoy that on occasion and teach by example so that our kids know that, too.
It really isn't ALL ABOUT the kids. That's not balanced. If so, how would you stay sane, and what are you teaching them?
635. Lorien said:
SO FAR (knock on wood)...parenting has been easier. That being said, I have recently come to the conclusion that I was truly blessed with incredibly easy kids. They were all born perfectly healthy, started sleeping through the night at a ridiculously early age, were never ever colicy and in the 6 years I have been a mother and between the 3 of my kids, we have only needed antibiotics twice. They are eager to please us and are really laid back mellow kids. Ask me in 10 years when I have 16, 15, and 14 year old girls....I bet I'll have a different answer.
Marriage has been an ongoing uphill battle. My husband and I married at 20, only 3 months after meeting. We knew very little about each other and were on two completely different and conflicting life paths. I was an independent, party my ass off rebel without a cause. He was a very squared away conservative Marine. We had very little in common (in fact it sometimes seemed all we had in common was our world class stubborness)...whether it's perspectives on what a marriage should be or how to raise our kids to politics and music. I was raised by the parental equivalent of Jon Stewart while he was raised by the parental equivalent to Bill O'reilly. It makes a difference, believe me! Add the Marine Corps and the stresses of 5 (so far) deployments, the birth of 3 kids, and 3 cross country moves and it gets incredibly hard to not throw your hands up.
We were married on Jan.20, 2001...GWB's first Innaguration day. For a long time I thought it was an ironic omen. These days, not so much. I cook homemade southern food (and I was raised Vegetarian!) and he voted for Obama. We finally learned to compromise and listen to each other and I'm so glad because I hated the thought of divorcing my best friend in the whole world.-
636. Rhonda said:
Hands down, parenthood. My oldest is as stubborn as my husband and I both so it's a daily power struggle with him. My youngest seems to be heading in the same direction. Two strong-willed boys under the age of 5 and you get days when you wonder...What the hell was I thinking? I wouldn't change it for anything though. They keep me young. Heather, thank you for making me laugh just about every day. My husband catches me in a fit of histeria every once in a while and thinks I've lost my mind (which I did about 8 years ago). I knew I wasn't the only medicated mother out there, but it helps to read about another mom's battles.
637. Elda said:
ROFLMAO @ Hellish, nightmarish prison! I'm not sure what
I consider to be harder, but I do know that at the end of the day I ask myself how I can be a better MOTHER. I don't even question how to be a better wife because the answer would inevitable be to PUT OUT more. SEX fixes almost everything when it comes to husbands that feel neglected. Burnt dinner? Have sex! Called him an idiot in front of friends and family! SEX! Overdrafter the account? SEX! See... fixes EVERYTHING. Not as easy when it comes to hurting your child's feelings or when you totally forgot to bake those cookies that you promised for the bake sale or things like that. BOTH are hard, but motherhood is harder.
http://peace-inthe-storm.blogspot.com
638. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
Parenthood is more difficult in my opionion and marriage is much easier. However in thinking about that, it took me a couple tries to get the marriage part "right" AND one of my kids is like the Tasmanian Devil on crack....so I would have to say that it depends on the husband and depends on the kid!
639. Jami Solomon said:
I have to say that I agree with you, Heather. My husband and I do have the pleasure of being each other's best friends. Sure, he can be a total douche bag sometimes but I just one-up but being as bitchy as my body will allow. And then we grow up and talk about what is really going on. I see all that as what happens when you marry a human (as opposed to a pony, which will just kick you in the head).
Kids, though? In our house we have Team Parent and we mean it! Yes, we are both entirely capable of dealing with the kids, alone, for days on end. But why do that? It is so much harder and way less fun. Plus, I have never felt like such a failure until I had kids. I am significantly more confident now, but the toll it takes on the brain is immense. And terrifying.
640. Annie said:
Okay, I am not a mom. I don't know if I ever will be a mom. I adopted a puppy once, and that made me want to throw myself off a tall building because of the sheer, overwhelming neediness of it. That is the closest I have ever been to parenthood.
I have, however, been married for almost five years. I won't lie and say that being married is always easy or even pleasant, but there has never been a moment when I am levelheaded and calm that I have ever wanted out of my marriage. I have never wanted to not be here. I've occasionally wanted to club my husband to death with a candlestick when I'm angry with him, but then I calm down and am glad that I let him live. There have been bumps in the road and trials, but being married, frankly, hasn't been that hard. Depression has been hard. Graduating from college was hard. Raising that fucking puppy was hard. All of those things made me question my sanity and want to give up. Marriage hasn't.
So, my inkling is that, for me, having a baby will be harder than being married. I love that I can lean on my husband and he can lean on me, but if he were an infant and NEEDED me 24/7, I would probably struggle with some resentment and losing my sanity.
641. Sar said:
i am at the opposite end of things. i am a single momma with my first being a senior in high school, second a junior, and my baby is ten going on twenty nine or something like that because she totally passed me up in maturity about two years ago. either i totally sucked at marriage or married quite possibly the worlds biggest fuckhead whose recent escapade as cop landed all three girls in therapy - motherhood has been the most natural thing on the planet even with crazy postpartum anxiety after the 3rd. maybe because i had an older sister who had her fifth when i had my first and i was able watch and take notes as she raised five little lovelies. just a note: go work on your marriage (just do the guy, ok?) because single parenting requires more alcohol than one should really drink.
642. Susan said:
OMG, parenthood by far!! Not that marriage is easy by any stretch of the imagination but becoming a mom was so foreign to me in many ways. I was 28 so I felt mature enough but I remember, when the red coat came to my room to wheel me down for leaving the hospital, thinking any minute that someone was going to stop us and inform me that I was in no way ready to care for this child without supervision. I felt so stupid! The instinct did however take over, thank god. By the way, LOVE the Momversations.
643. lee said:
happy new year.
Marriage was by far easier but then a child came along (a much planned for and loved child) and the marriage went awry - after 10 years of great.
Did my husband miss being the only child?
644. lee said:
happy new year.
Marriage was by far easier but then a child came along (a much planned for and loved child) and the marriage went awry - after 10 years of great.
Did my husband miss being the only child?
645. I cannot marry the one I love said:
Thanks for including those who cannot marry the one they love! Marriage is easier than parenthood because you can walk away from your spouse but you cannot walk away from your child. With a child there is never a "Come back at a better time."
Happy new year to all. This is my first comment though I am a huge fan.
646. anna said:
i wish i had commented earlier because i doubt you will have time or energy to read 700 comments down.
in early 2008 my husband i adopted two infants and in the summer we gave birth to a baby as well. we went from no babies to 3 in just 8 months. talk about getting thrown into the deep end. to make things more complicated our oldest was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and epilepsy. did i mention we live on a 3rd floor walk up and don't have a car? anywho, in spite of all that has happened in the last year with children i still think marriage is harder. i'm home with the kids 10+ hours a day with no help and you just do it. not always gracefully for sure. i'll admit i've scooted a baby with my foot in order to shut the freaking door. but you do it because they need you and so you don't have a choice. with marriage (and i have a fantastic husband no doubt) you have to wake up every morning and choose to love them more than you love yourself. to put a spouse first when you feel like you never even have five minutes to yourself where someone doesn't need you, for me, is infinitely harder than teaching my daughters to share.
thanks for making me think about this.
647. Katherine S. said:
I don't know if this is a fair question. It generalizes two huge institutions: Marriage and Motherhood. In some marriages it is like one spouse is raising a child by having a spouse be immature and overly co-dependent, which I have witnessed to be a frequent situation for sometimes the husband and other times the wives. So I'm not suggesting this is only in one gender role. But every situation, every household is different.
Personally my marriage didn't work out because he was abusive but I would like to think I could make one work again someday and handle both being a mom and being a wife... all in one lifetime. But right now I run out of energy at the end of the day trying to do it all as a single mom, so the very thought of ending up with "raising a codependent husband" is not at the top of my list.. On the other hand though, to have a "partner" someday, someone who is a friend and wants to walk beside me and make this journey with me and is willing to work at it... yes - I do want that, very much!
And the idea of therapy, yes, is a must for a healthy relationship: for both spouses as individuals and as a couple. We are one great big dysfunctional American home trying to make it all work here.
648. Sunny said:
hhhmm. i read the entry yesterday and have been thinking about what my answer might be ever since. i kept flip-flopping for awhile because it's a pretty close race here...then I locked in on an answer and here it is: as a mother of a 6, 4 and 5 month old I must go with Motherhood being the most difficult for the following reasons...
1) i'm completely outnumbered!
2) husbands are capable of rational thought (at least mine is), toddlers and teenagers - not so rational
3) i know what to expect from my husband, we chose each other. he is the best possible match for me. kids are a virtual grab bag of temperment. you just never know. that's what makes being a mom so hard for me-being completely blindsided by ridiculous behavior. one day jeans are great. the next day they make my daughter launch into hysterics and scream and throw herself on the floor.
essentially, they're both work. but they are the best work i've ever done.
649. Wash St. Dad said:
To me it's funny, for both to work requires sex...
650. Kitty Jimjams said:
I love being married (5 years and counting, after 10 years together overall).
And after 6 months I still hate being a parent. He's a very sweet, lovely little boy, but every morning I wake up sorry I did this.
I have lots of drugs, an understanding therapist, and a wonderfully supportive family. I've been re-reading your old entries, too, and I want to thank you again for helping me to believe I'll get out of this hole at some point.
651. Lise said:
Parenthood is harder, just by the virtue that a husband can understand if you're stressed out, tired, upset, or hurting, and can help you, or at least cut you some slack. Babies on the other hand are the ultimate taskmasters. My 3 month old does not care that i have been up working late so that we have money to buy her diapers when wakes up at 4am and screams until i wake up and feed her, then refuses to go back to sleep until it's time for us to go to work again. It's good thing they're cute, or you'd kill em'
652. unrestricted said:
Marriage almost killed me, but that's because it turns out I prefer women instead of men...I still don't think I want to live full time with anyone again. Parenthood drained me, but I recovered when they got older.
653. Ann said:
I am a wife and not a mom. I don't plan on being a mom for various reasons.
But my vote is being a wife is easier than being a mom.
I am amazed at family and friends who are moms and the hard work it entails. I just get tired watching.
My husband and I are friends, we enjoy each other's company, but we also enjoy our alone time. I think we understand each other pretty well. People have told us that we make marriage look easy.
654. Stella said:
It seems to me (childless but married five years) that children would be easier in at least one sense: You can tell a child what to do, and if they don't do it, you can punish them. I sometimes wish I were the boss of my husband. I'd like to take away his television-watching privileges the next time he forgets to pick up his mess.
655. Lyla said:
Being neither a parent nor a spouse, I am probably not terribly qualified to answer this. HOWEVER... I've lived with my boyfriend for over 2 years and we pretty much consider ourselves married without the paperwork and his family considers me family. I can deal with him when he's whining or yelling, but when the children at the coffee shop start screeching... I want to strangle them. There are times when I think it would be cool to have a little boy to read books to, but then I remember that when that same little boy screamed his bloody head off I couldn't put duct tape over his mouth.
Also, I saw how hard it was for my dad to raise 3 of us. He is an amazing father and we were all exceptionally lucky to be his kids. However, when he wonders why none of us want children, I can't help but think he's nuts.
Cohabitating with and adult is difficult some days. I cannot even imagine raising a child.
656. Jamie said:
I think I'm scared to have kids! I need to stop reading so many mom blogs.
657. Sylvia said:
Speaking from the 60's, marriage was fun, sort of an extension of dating but with sex and budgeting, and not hard at all. Until we became parents. At which time one of us (me, the mother) became an adult and the other chose to remain a baby himself. When it actually hit me (about three days after I brought my son home from the hospital) that I could never again make a single move, or decision, or even have a thought, without including that tiny human being in the process, I felt so overwhelmeed and depressed that I thought I couldn't face the next 18 years. So I went and bought Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, and he explained everything. It was an owner's manual for the baby. After that, parenting was as simple as reading the directions. Marriage, on the other hand, got harder and harder and finally became impossible to keep doing. I guess I was lucky to have a child that was willing to be raised by the book. My ex-husband was not so reasonable!
658. Meg said:
I am not a parent, so I cannot comment on what is easier. However I think as a society we put a lot of pressure on moms (or parents in general, but moms more often) to feel a certain way after having a baby (and also about being a parent), as if there is only one way to feel. Women often feel guilty when they do not think they are feeling the "correct" way. That is why I really appreciate how open you are about sharing your experiences. I think that it takes a lot of strength for individuals to truly be themselves and I know that you sometimes get flack for it. Keep it up. Silence equals psychological death.
659. Karrie said:
I haven't been a parent for very long, so my answer might be a little skewed. My kid is 1 1/2 and I have another one coming in 3 weeks or so (yes... YIKES!). My answer is DEFINITELY that marriage is harder in the long run. Don't get me wrong, this past year 1/2 has been the hardest time in my LIFE! I've always been very career driven and very independent and VERY selfish - I do what I want when I want blah blah blah. And that kind of mindset wasn't even very hard to have in my marriage before our little guy came along. And then he came, and my personal and selfish desires were thrown in the backseat because I CHOSE to stay home with my son rather than continue to pursue my career (for the time being). This has sucked. HOWEVER... marriage is harder, absolutely, because it has to see itself through so much more in life than being a parent does. Meaning... divorce is not an option, my husband will be my husband forever because that is my choice and his - but to make that a possibility it means giving of myself FOR-EV-ER. I've been with my husband for 12 years. Its hard. Sometimes (alot of times) he completely sucks at life and I just want to get out and hang on to things in life that make me happier... and I'll bet he has had more frustration with selfish me than I have had with him! But everytime we have worked through those humps (there's been alot... and there will be way more, I'm sure) our marriage gets more and more incredible. Seriously. I grow as a person individually through those challenges, and I always end up loving my husband more because of them.
660. Nancy said:
Parenthood is much harder - although both are hard. Remember, you choose your spouse so, presumably, you at least start out with a partner who fills some of your needs/desires. Parenthood is a total luck-of-the-draw and some kids are MUCH harder to parent. Like Leta, my daughter entered the world with "issues" and still at 20 is at war with the world. And we are very close, so whatever her current challenges with the outside world, she brings them to me first. Gotta love that kid!
661. Anonymous said:
All I know is that I can't watch those momversation videos because I want to punch the girl from Girlsgonewild in the face. Sorry.
662. Vanessa said:
For me being a parent was easier but I had years of babysitting small children and babies under my belt. I agree with Kalisa though my son is now 16 almost 17 and wow anything I thought I knew went out the window.
663. Penny Rene said:
Not that you will have time to read all these but...
I've just had my 2nd child. My daughter is almost 3, going on 13 and my son is now 4 months old. I've been married for 3 years. (No math involved here) This is my THIRD marriage.
So, you'd think I might say that marriage is harder. But I have a lot experience with marriage so I like to think I'm finally getting it right. For me, parenting is WAY more of a challenge. I checked every ounce of intelligence I claimed to have at the door when I had my daughter. I am now doing it again with my son because he's a whole new ball game. Not to mention the impossible task of being a great mom to BOTH kids AT THE SAME TIME. That I am not typing this from an olive green arm chair at a nearby mental hospital is in thanks to my in-laws, my husband and my new friend Prozac.
I love marriage and I'm glad I opted to be a mom, but wow. Nothing good ever comes easy, right? Don't answer that, pervert.
664. Penny Rene said:
PS - Today is Elvis' birthday. I felt compelled to say that.
665. Bria said:
I am a mere newlywed...with my first child still in utero (I would love to talk pregnacy with you, by the way) but since I've married a man who is my best friend and makes marriage easy I think that perhaps parenthood will be harder. I'll keep you posted...
666. Anonymous said:
Parenthood is definitely harder. No question. The toddler years are especially difficult. When my daughter was little, but growing so rapidly -- think about it, they go from not being able focus their eyes on day one to walking upright and talking by year two -- I had to figure out every day who she was. And I probably got it right more than 50% of the time, which still left a lot of room for not understanding why she's throwing herself on the floor all of sudden because I put the straw in the juice box but she wanted to do it herself today, for the first time ever. Or why she will only accept the fruit snacks package with Scooby on it, when yesterday she only would accept the Princess package. Or why pink is out of favor suddenly and brown is best.
So, even though I don't have the best marriage, at least he's pretty consistent. Children change all the time.
667. Suze said:
46 years of marriage, and we're still great friends.
3 grown kids in their 40's, two grandkids.
Overall, I have to say that having three children going through their teenage years at the same period of time was the most difficult part of my life thus far.
Those same three hellions, I mean kids, are now our friends and we can't imagine life without them, but still....
Marriage has been easy compared to that experience!
668. owntwohands said:
I have been married for a year and a half, and I am the mother of a bubbly 5-month-old little girl. So far I have to say that parenting has been more difficult for me than marriage. A child is both a person that you love and that you are responsible for. A marriage is (or should be, to me) a relationship of equals, with each person playing to their strengths; there is responsibility there to try to make things work as smoothly as possible, but in the end your partner is still another adult. Your child is, well, a child, and they count on you to take care of them; they literally cannot do it themselves. I believe in "for better or for worse", but if I were to get divorced or die (heaven forbid), my husband could remarry eventually. My daughter, on the other hand, will always be my daughter.
669. suspiria said:
Survival is an instinct. Motherhood? not so much.
First-time animal mothers often lose their babies because they are inexperienced. It's a learned thing, not at all like breathing.
It's a cultural thing that women = mothers.
"Bad mommy" or "no mothering instinct" is just another way for the status quo to beat up on women and control their behavior.
670. Alicia said:
I am right there along with ya, being a mother has been harder and more consistently trying than my marriage. But I think all the trials in my marriage and being a mother has made me stronger so I do feel thankful for them.
671. Anne said:
Parenthood is harder, a lot harder. Marriage is easy by comparison. I used to wonder now what we argued about before we had children; if we couldn't find a restaurant, neither of us was going to collapse on the pavement screaming - what was our problem exactly?
672. Anonymous said:
Parenting two teenage daughters is much more challenging than being married to the man who is their father.
673. Annemarie said:
I can't say that I've experienced parenthood. However, it still seems to me that being a Mom is going to be way harder than being a wife is. I mean, my husband can take care of himself (most of the time), and tell me, clearly what he wants of me and if something is upsetting him, what it is. Maybe once we have kids, I'll change my mind. I'll let you know in a few years.
674. Leah said:
WHAT?! Babies for sure, and I don'teven have one. A relationship takes work, of course, but if something isnot working you can just say - you know what, hunny? I am going to get a beer/Vegas/sleep over at a girlfriends and you don't even have to worry abut the other person whereas you couldn't do that with a baby!
675. emily ruth said:
similar to what you said on the video about how you wouldn't date a guy who screamed through your entire date i have recently been comparing the "job" of being a parent to any other job that one might have...
if you had a job where the people you were in charge of:
yelled "NO!" at you when you asked them to do something
needed you to remind them how & when to do every little thing
had raging fits when they didn't like how you returned their stapler
needed reassurance & hugs after every interaction
expected you to clean up the messes they made
you would be quitting that job, no matter how cute & sweet they could be, about 4 minutes into it...& that in a not very short sentence is why i think parenthood is harder...plus though my marriage is rough sometimes at least my husband is reasonable & i can talk things through with him...the 2 & 4 year olds not so much...
676. Anonymous said:
Parenthood is harder. I'm much more insecure about my actions as a parent than I am as a partner. Not that I'm the stellar example of a partner all the time but I feel more confident in my role and my expectations. Anything I do to my partner might mess our relationship up some (but probably not enough to ruin in most times) whereas there are lots of things you can do that feel like they might mess up a kid.
677. Anonymous said:
A couple of years ago, I would have said that marriage was much easier than parenthood. But today, as I struggle with my husband's battle against alcoholism & the damage it has done to our relationship, I am not so sure. On the other hand, my daughter is nearly two, and is a huge pain right now. Overall, I am still not 100% sure I made the right choice by becoming a parent. It has never come easily for me, and, like you Heather, those maternal instincts have come slowly. But then again, if I didn't have to worry about my husband, perhaps parenting would be easier. So, for today at least, I think it's a toss-up. But if you had told me a few years ago that I would be saying that, I would never have believed you.
678. calimom said:
It depends on where you are in the spectrum of either relationship. Both parenthood and marriage evolve, and, as such, the difficulties come and go. At this point in my life, as far as parenthood goes, it's much more difficult than my marriage- #1 child is away at college, and #2 is headed that way next year, so there are a whole new set of worries and demands that I didn't have two years ago- how am I going to pay for gas for #1's car/ #2's college applications; why hasn't #1 called yet; why hasn't #2 come home yet; why did #1 say that; where did #2 the phone? Next year, as an empty nester, I'm sure I would say my marriage is more difficult because, after 20 years of marriage, 19 of which I was either pregnant or parenting, my husband and I will have to revisit our relationship and figure out how to be really, truly alone again.
My husband's answer to being alone again? He's going to build a naked room-
Men...
679. dkzody said:
Yep, motherhood nearly drove me to a mental institution. Fortunately I had a smart doc who got me straightened out without hospitalization, but he threatened. That is why we only have one child who is now grown and expecting her first. I cannot wait to see what this child brings to her life.
Marriage? PIece of cake. Married for almost 34 years and still loving it. Especially after the child graduated from college and had her own place.
680. Lori said:
I find marriage a bazillion times easier than motherhood. I have a 10 month old who is constantly changing; my husband stays his wonderful self always.
681. Beth said:
I am in the same boat as you. I have a daughter, went to hell and back after her birth, love her more than life itself, and am pregnant again (12 weeks) and looking forward to the baby, but not my body, the birth, the sleep deprivation, the crazies....
Marriage is so much easier. One, the other person can talk and two, you can tell them to leave you alone sometimes. But my daughter is so much more rewarding. You probably feel the same way.
Good luck to you on your pregnancy!
682. Keagan's mom said:
I would have to agree with you Heather, although I haven't been a mother for very long (5 months), I would say that parenthood is exceedingly more difficult. Although I think part of what makes it more difficult is that you have to balance being a spouse and being a parent now, and that is often more challenging than it seems. I love being a mom, and I love being a wife, but being both sometimes takes alot out of me. I also think that being a new parent is especially difficult, as everytime I can't see my son's chest rising and falling I immediately panic that he has stopped breathing (and other first time mom paranoia), but I am slowly becoming more comfortable with it. The absolute only way that I can be a success at being a parent is because I have an amazing partner, and having an amazing partner makes marriage easy comparatively.
683. Cecily said:
I would definantly have to agree with you that motherhood is MUCH harder. I have never considered jumping out a window or running away from my husband, but there are definantly days I want to do so with my child. I love her and wouldn't trade her for the world, but I think motherhood is the hardest thing on the planet. When i look back at the first couple months of being a mom, it never fails that my gut clenches and the thought of having another fills me with horror. it is much better now that she's one and I'm able to enjoy her and deal with things better. i'm just glad i'm not the only who feels this way.
684. Anonymous said:
Newly engaged after dating 5.5 years. I couldn't be more excited - reading the posts is just confirmation of something I already know.
I do not want to have children. My fiance and I are on the same page.
If it were to happen, I wouldn't be devestated, but I know it's hard. I've seen too many friends lives change with their partner and with themselves b/c they assumed having a child was "the next thing to do." Look we got married, next is kids. I feel like I'm being uber responsible knowing that it's not for me, plus I've never been one to fit into a mold.
For now, I'll stock up on the birth control. I mean, we don't have to stop practicing!
685. Nicki said:
VOTE FOR DOOCE: http://snipurl.com/9npmu
Heather's too classy to ask but click your opinion on "Best Diarist" blog award.
686. Anonymous said:
I will agree with those that say it is equally hard,for different reasons.I have two girls,8 and 3 and have been with my husband for 12 years. We both have deciceded to separate because we hve turned into just 'really good friends'. We never really supported each other in our lives and descisions and we have just had enough of ignoring each other. Our children though have always been out top priority and maybe that is part of the problem. I was scared to death to be a mom but I made it,after a few flip-outs of screaming!! I enjoy everything about being a mom because of the constant challenges and rewards! Nothing makes me feel better in this world then a hug and kiss from my girls!!!
687. Auds at Barking Mad said:
Parenthood is by far, the more difficult and painful of the two. There are so many times that I can lean on my hubby whereas with my kids, not so much.
There's also another side to this that parents like me, those who have lost a child (my son was 2 when he was hit and killed by a car- http://abritandabit.typepad.com/spotted_dick_and_other_mu/2008/08/i-am-t...)where the dynamics are completely screwed up by the loss and parenting becomes infinitely harder, but on other levels, infinitely more rewarding. It's hard to articulate, especially to someone who has never buried a child.
There are times when my marriage has been trying - this last year in particular, but I'm fortunate in that I finally got it right this time around...I stopped kissing toads and realized that Prince Charming had been standing there the entire time and waiting for me to grow up. He's my best friend and my rock during times when I feel like throwing it all away...especially the times when I'm about to pull my hair out either because the teenagers or the toddler are going to drive me insane!
Having said all that, this is my third marriage. My first wasn't based on either friendship or love - it was based on pregnancy. And when the child that was the reason for that marriage was cruelly ripped from us it only served to highlight all the cracks in the foundation of that relationship to begin with.
I agree with other comments where the sentiment has been that parenthood can sometimes place a strain on a marriage, but I'm a pretty firm believer in communication and think that if you can communicate about the parenting issues, you're on pretty firm ground. And in some cases, a marriage makes for better parents, as is my case this time around. The first time around, more than 20 years ago I was just thrown in with the sharks. This time around I'm more confident in my marriage and my parenting.
Did any of that make sense?
Thanks Heather for giving me a forum to voice all this. I didn't realize I had such strong feelings on it until I read this post.
688. jodi g said:
Oh yeah... parenting is way harder. Especially if your kid comes out with a willful, stubborn and pig headed personality, and that is NOT your personality. At least you have an out, an option, if your partner makes you want to jump from a bridge. With a kid, you're stuck.
689. Anonymous said:
Parenting is harder because you can't walk away.
690. Anonymous said:
Marriage is clearly more difficult. For example, your husband never grows up and moves out. Of course I write from a different perspective. 36 years of marriage and 3 "kids" 28, 25, 21. Heather, I may be your oldest reader. Not that there were not trying times with 3 children, and a husband who travelled and worked long hours, but I felt in control as a mom. Sometimes during the teenage years, not so in control but we made it through. But dealing with another adult for the long term, especially when your focus (children) have moved on is challenging.
691. s.i. said:
I think motherhood is way harder than marriage. I think, for me, it's the pressure and responsibility of raising a little child to grow to be a intelligent, loving, giving adult...without strangling them somewhere along the way.
Also? Maybe I'm just biased because I have a newborn, but sleepless nights with the husband are usually WAY more fun than sleepless nights with the baby. Just sayin.
692. Sweet Herald said:
I hope not, but this might get me banned from your site and if it does, so be it. Man, stop doing those Momversations. You're funnier than that. And if they are cutting out pieces, well, I dunno. I wouldn't do it.
693. Leon said:
I don't have children and never intend to have them because they are terrifying maelstroms of screaming, irrational, time consuming havoc.
So, I've got to go with marriage as being easier. WAY easier.
But then, in a sense, I'm married to a 39 year old toddler a lot of the time. There's back arching temper tantrums and uncontrollable fits of "NO!". There's a lot of back talk and sass. But ultimately, I can communicate with her and don't have to guess if it's hunger or sleep deprivation that's causing the cranky or the tears.
So yeah, marriage wins. I don't know how you parent types do it. Just do me a favor and have a couple of extra kids to balance out the no kids my wife and I will be having. That, and maybe it'll get our mother's off our backs.
694. Terry M. said:
Omg, this is a no-brainer... Marriage is by far HARDER than parenthood. That baby came from my loin, and fed at my breast for goodness sake!!!!!! We're bred to love and happily nurture that babe. The man - well.... he's just an anommoly...
695. foundinidaho said:
I don't know...having just celebrated the 14th anniversary of the 2nd marriage, I think parenting's easier. And that's with a pissy 16 year old and an ADHD 10 year old.
If you'd asked me at year 8, I would have said marriage was way easier. That statement wasn't meant to scare you...
696. Denise said:
Marriage is soooo much easier than parenting! How can the question even be asked? When you are married you are working with a peer. Child? You are talking about a little being with no life experiences and you can't have an intelligent discussion with (at least not until they are least 18)! Reasoning with my husband works. Reasoning with a toddler/child/teenager? Are you serious?
697. MsKathleen said:
I have raised four children and had three marriages. The one I am currently in and very content has lasted almost 25 years.
My marriage has been through almost everything imaginable and I am currently (once again) on anti-depressants and sleeping meds - Not all that unusual for someone my age so my doctor tells me. She's about my age and on the same meds.
As for the kids - I truly love being a Mom but it is not easy and each child has their own challenges. I have two children who are pretty high achievers, did well in school, didn't cause too much stress and two that I could have easily sold to a band of gypsies if they would have come by my house and made a decent offer. Sure I would miss the kids.
So, I guess it just depends... The first two years of my marriage were HELL. Right now it is going wonderfully. He's my best friend...love him and love all my my kids. I also have one 2 year old granddaughter - She is my great reward for being such a good Mom... Hey, I tried my best, seriously and so far, I wouldn't change anything major.
Great blog by the way, glad I stopped by.
698. Lara said:
i loved being pregnant, not too many problems in the four of five pregnancies that came to fruition.
i think after the first few weeks of being a mom, with the help of my MIL, i got the hang of it pretty well. i just love babies too.
although i did think at times it was possible to actually die from lack of sleep......still think so.
one of my problems was i thought i was the only one who got it, who was capable of taking care of the four of them properly, and therefore my husband was a moron.
My attitude was basically: For cryin' out loud, i'm the one that hatched this kid, try and top that you idiot.
or how about, "why don't you come in here and learn how to give this kid a bath in case i drop dead tomorrow?".....in retrospect, true but unequivically unkind.
as for, for the marriage thing, after 25 yrs, i sometimes think i have one more child, him. the journey has certainly been interesting, and thats not always a good thing.
699. Anonymous said:
Parenting is way harder because, like you said in your video, why tolerate an adult who screams at you, puts his fingers in his butt and makes his brother sniff it, calls you stupid and cries when he doesn't get to play wii. Yes, that all happened tonight. I'm still reeling.
Umm, I didn't read all the comments, but is anyone going to ask the GirlsGoneChild blogger, Rebecca, why she didn't know her husband before she married him? Why isn't that explained? Speaking of editing, seems like something pretty important was edited out there.
Interesting question, that.
700. Anonymous said:
Motherhood is easier for me because the bond is stronger. No matter what my child does, I still love her. Brrrrrrr. Did it just get cold in here?
701. Caitlin said:
I don't have children (yet) but I will say that marriage is something that is almost effortless for me and my husband. We fell head over heels in love with each other in about a month, and married soon after we started dating. I won't say that we have never had fights, but we are both willing to be honest about what we want and need, and if you have found that person who complements you and supports you (even when he wants to spend several hours on the weekends playing World of Warcraft) then marriage shouldn't be a constant challenge like I imagine motherhood will be.
702. Nikki said:
Ok, I gotta say that for me, marriage has been harder than parenting. There's an 8 and 9 year gap between my siblings and me. I had a practice run so to speak. That didn't completely set me up for having my own kid. I knew the basics of taking care of a baby and kids. Did I know that I would be so tired and insane that I would stop driving over the dam in fear I would drive over it? No, that was not in my "what to expect book". Neither was hemorrhoids the size of a dinner plate and stretch marks. I think it took a good 8 months for the post-partum depression to leave so the regular old clinical depression that I know and love could return. Honestly, after the 12 weeks of colic and never ending feedings, I really thought I couldn't do it. Eventually, that magic switch was flipped and my baby and I clicked. My son is now 5 and he's great. I can handle parenthood, I got it and when I screw up, I don't worry about it. He's only ever had me as his mother, he doesn't know I'm a screw up. Even better, he loves me more than Power Rangers, Legos or Transformers. It depends on his mood.
Now, have my husband and I ever clicked? Yes because that's what drew us together. We've been together since I was 13 and he was 18 and married when I was 19. I'm now 30 and have been with the man for more than half my life. We aggravate each other on a daily basis all because of the way our brains work. He's analytical and he works through things like it's an experiment. I'm an emotional personality and I make decisions based on the feeling. I think things through to no end because that's what you do when you have GAD. I have to go on feeling because my brain will explode if I use his way. We've gone through everything from the death of my father, job loss, moving, infertility, birth, job changes, infertility again and we're still here. The way we've approached every life event has been different.
I guess one telling thing about what I'm "better" at is the fact that I've never had to resist kicking my son in the head and can I say it was really hard to do. It was just the one time but it really stood out in my head and I told my husband. We laughed about it because at this point, we've made a decision that we are willing to work through each others' hip-high muck of issues because we love each other. We want to be together and the crap we bring to it is worth dealing with but it's a hell of a lot of work!
703. Elizabeth said:
I'm SO with YOU on this one. And please, be very careful with your medications as you start life with number two. Because TWO? So different than just one. I look at moms of one now and think, they just don't fully appreciate how simple one is... See, one is one. But two is two AND then there is also the relationship between one and two. That right there is its own thing that requires just about as much work as each of one and two. So call it THREE. And your husband? If you're lucky, like you are (actually, you chose carefully and well and luck had little to do with it), then as you said, he's your rock and the reason you survive at all.
704. Kira said:
I would say parenthood is harder, because I don't feel responsible for my husband's emotional well being in the same way. If I lose my temper with him, I feel bad and I apologize, but if i lose it with my kids, I feel infinately worse.
There's also an unbreakable investment in your kids. My first marriage was good until it was just awful, but once I managed to sever the relationship with him, I could move on and be happy. It still makes me sad to think about him, but my life is okay - better than okay - without him. I could never say that if I had to cut ties with my kids. Just the thought makes my heart clench.
Plus, I don't have to teach my husband how to behave in this world. If he does something stupid I can just shake my head and wonder where he got THAT from. If one of my kids does something stupid, I'm left wondering how I failed them so badly.
And there's no reset button in the parent/child relationship like sex is in a marriage.
705. Uppahand said:
Before it got to the part where you said that Leta screamed for the first 7 months of her life, I was thinking, "I'll bet her baby was a screamer, and others weren't." Screaming baby trumps almost any other stresser under the sun!