What if the difficulty of one exacerbates the challenges of the other?

In my case, the stress of parenting makes it impossible to focus on keeping my marriage healthy. Or, maybe it's the other way around: a cracked marriage manifests itself as an (overly) stressed out parent. I wanted both, and neither seem to be going very well.

It's impossible to know which is harder.

Wow, this is a difficult one. This is like when that woman on Oprah said that she loves her husband more than her kids difficult. Thank you for bringing this up, it'll definitely be a conversation starter. I keep thinking of great and difficult things about both relationships. It's easier to be married because you can always get drunk and have sex, even when you're mad at one another. It's easier to be a mom because even when you're an asshole all day, they still want to be around you and love you always. You don't have to worry about keeping your kids happy so they won't leave you to bang their 23 year old secretary while you're having hot flashes. Well, maybe you do. I don't know. Fuck.

PARENTHOOD!!!!! It is the hardest hands down. No comparison. I mean sure you know to feed the baby, change the baby, play, teach, bathe rinse and repeat. The hard part is the worrying. The emotional stuff. How the world is completly different once you have a baby. It's scary and it's more beautiful. It can be a crushing weight sometimes. It can also be what motivates you to be the kind of person you hope they grow up to be.

as a person with a childhood history chock full of family-issues i believe one thing to be certain: parenthood is easier for me than marriage. i was barely out of highschool when i got married and 16 years later we are still back at square one. i have major trust issues which makes marriage an excruciating exercise of risking and defending. i wasnt ready to get married.

we have had children for only 10 years, and we waited to have them until it was the #1 priority. also, i was an adopted child, so having my own flesh-and-blood was a dream come true. already the kid team is on a better playing field than the marriage. these 3 kids are MINE no matter how snotty, loud, stinky, dismissive and unresponsive they become. i have an illusion that my trust issues will never undermine that bond. weigh this against my need to trust my spouse and add in my inadequacies as a truster and you see the breakdown.

I have been married for 16 years and have three year old twins. I think because we were married for 12 years before I got pregnant that we figured out how to navigate the pot holes, man holes, iced roads, blizzards and even tornadoes that sometimes we have found ourselves in. We have known each other since 7th grade also so we grew up together even though we didn't date until we were out of school. So marriage is easy by this point. Having twins at 34? Now that was hard. The lack of sleep floored me. I know people joke about new Moms getting no sleep but it's not a joke. I shouldn't have been allowed to drive a car for the first six months of their lives. Now at 3 1/2, I STILL feel sleep deprived and anxious every night as I try to fall asleep. Trying to meet their basic needs was the hardest thing I've ever done. Add to that, going grocery shopping, buying all the clothes that they grow out of before you get them home, dealing with parents and in laws who think they are experts at kid raising and having a husband in Afghanistan on top of it all has majorly sucked. I agree 100% with Heather.

I wouldn't say (for myself, personally) that one is necessarily harder than the other - both can be amazing, both can be difficult. What I can say is that being a parent to my child is MUCH easier than being with my child's father was. My child and I get along better, argue much less, and he is definitely more pleasant than his father (was to me). However - I might also be able to say that the relationship I am in now is easier than being a parent. We never fight and I don't have to ground my boyfriend ever!

Perhaps the most relevant difference between partnership and parenthood (for responsible people anyway) is that you can pretty much always break up with your partner whenever you want. Kids are forever. You are not (completely) responsible for your partner, but you are for your child.

They are two different experiences, and I have a hard time comparing them.

ARe you kidding? Kids are the sweetest and bestest and I adore them more than anything, even when they are being pills or are up half the night. There is NOTHING better than the adoration they feel for you when they're little guys, the snuggles and kisses, the watching them grow and go through every stage, the teenage struggles and mastery of skills and emergence into adulthood. I don't find their surliness or neediness a big deal. I love them to pieces.

The husband? meh - not helpful, even though he is nice, interesting, sexy, etc...the constant negotiating, the taking on of most of the responsibility, the not feeling a need to be helpful, the sense of male entitlement. the need for sex without the compulsion to reciprocate and be helpful....

Hands down - I love being a mother and wish I had had more kids. Marriage - I could take or leave....

They are both terrifying. There isn't any two ways about it.

Good luck.

I COMPLETELY agree with you. My marriage (although it has had it's difficult moments) is by far easier for me than being a mother. Which came as a shock to me, as I am a teacher, and I guess I thought that in itself would make me a natural. SO. NOT. TRUE.

Things have gotten better for me, but I still struggle every day to be a happy mom, and to enjoy the job of being a mom.

Thanks for saying this outloud. It makes me feel better, and like I am not the only one.

Mmmm... I've spent sometime thinking about this. Marriage is definitely easier. x2 reasons:

Your are responsible for a child's wellbeing- totally. whereas a spouse must take some responsiblity for the wellbeing of the relationship and their own happiness.

2ndly- you pretty much know your spouse before you make a lifelong committment, Children are an unknown entity - especially if you have had little contact prior to being a parent. In reality nobody can prepare your for parenthood.

Ive been with my partner for 25yrs and after 18yrs & 16yrs of parenting - Im still Winging It!

Enjoy the ride Jon & Heather

I had a super kid and a super Penelope Leach baby book. I also picked out a crummy husband. So I just wrapped her up and did what the book said, ignored my post-partum stuff as just more of my inherited chemical drama, and she turned out great. Him, not so much. So I think it depends not so much on the task but on the persons involved.

The answer to this question seemed so immediately obvious to me that for a minute I was surprised that there is any discussion. I must be blessed with one hell of a marriage, because mothering routinely kicks my ass.

I had horrible pp depression, too, and I think this casts a shadow on the mothering experience for a long time, even after those good instincts have kicked in.

Baby #2 is due this summer and I am thrilled and scared to death.

Both take work.

Motherhood is more physical work (especially to little kids). Also mentally, you worry all the time. That is exausting.

Marriage is work, but not too hard for me. I am pretty up front with my feelings and my husband is a pretty good guy.

The difference between motherhood and marriage is that mother/child love is unconditional. It is amazing to me that I can be so upset with my child one second and so in love the next.

Heather, I dont mean to scare the hell out of you but if you think one kid is a lot of work, you are going to go off the deep end with two. I have 2 kids under two and it is an amazing amount of work and much harder than I though - worth it but still exausting. Have a plan and take as much help as you can.

Maggie

I think we're comparing apples to oranges here, but there's still really no contest. Parenting is much, much harder. I have never wanted to kill myself over my marriage. I have, however, on more than a handful of occasions wanted to kill myself over being a mother. There. I said it.

This is totally coming from someone who is neither married nor a parent, but I am with my future husband (been together over 3 years...and through a LOT of shit!) and I have spent the majority of my life caring for kids. Babysitter, nanny, daycare teacher, etc. I would say being a parent is way harder. And as bad as this may sound (and I do apologize if I offend anyone), you can quit your marriage easier than you can quit your child. I mean, some parents find it easy to quit their children, but I'm not including those people! It's easier to walk away from someone you didn't give birth to when they give you shit that shouldn't have to deal with. But, you can't do that with your child. It is your obligation to rear the child, raise them, teach them right from wrong, etc. So, when the kid starts being disrespectful, horrible, just an all around shithead...then you are obligated to deal with them and just keep trying to do your best. You can't walk away from it and choose not to deal with it anymore. So, yes, I totally agree, Heather. Parenting is harder, more stressful, scarier, risker than marriage.

This is a very interesting question and one I had to think about for a rather disturbingly long time before I was able to answer. And even then, my answer ended up being a non-answer.

Here's the thing...Marriage is hard. Marriage with kids is hard. It's grueling work. All work that matters and makes a difference usually is. The only thing I know for sure is that none of it met my expectations. It is better and worse than I ever thought it could be and changes by the minute.

This is a very interesting question and one I had to think about for a rather disturbingly long time before I was able to answer. And even then, my answer ended up being a non-answer.

Here's the thing...Marriage is hard. Marriage with kids is hard. It's grueling work. All work that matters and makes a difference usually is. The only thing I know for sure is that none of it met my expectations. It is better and worse than I ever thought it could be and changes by the minute.

This is a very interesting question and one I had to think about for a rather disturbingly long time before I was able to answer. And even then, my answer ended up being a non-answer.

Here's the thing...Marriage is hard. Marriage with kids is hard. It's grueling work. All work that matters and makes a difference usually is. The only thing I know for sure is that none of it met my expectations. It is better and worse than I ever thought it could be and changes by the minute.

My Dad once said that being married is easy but having kids, that's hard.

This is a very interesting question and one I had to think about for a rather disturbingly long time before I was able to answer. And even then, my answer ended up being a non-answer.

Here's the thing...Marriage is hard. Marriage with kids is hard. It's grueling work. All work that matters and makes a difference usually is. The only thing I know for sure is that none of it met my expectations. It is better and worse than I ever thought it could be and changes by the minute.

I think marriage is much much much harder than parenthood. My boys are 5 and 7 and it's very easy for me to be a mom to them. Of course, it does help that they are such great, easy kids. They have to listen when I ask them to do something unlike my husband who might be considered incredibly lazy by most standards. I also tend to easily have more patience with my boys, after all they are only learning how to behave and their brains aren't fully formed. My husband's brain is as formed as it's getting and stuck in the same routine, which is playing computer 5 hours a day and sleeping for 10. He is frustrating and unyielding to most things I ask of him. case in point, my broke down car (only a few years old, and still not paid off) has been sitting in the driveway for 6 months now for something very minor. He has the tools, the garage, the parts, the know how and the time. Again, it's been SIX months. And there's nothing I can do to move it along because he's an adult and can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. It must be nice because that's most certainly not how my adult life works.

frustrating.

How do you make a man understand just what it takes to have a family and be a part of it? Not to mention, help run that household and raise well adjusted, productive men. We've been married for 9 years, the past 2 have been the most difficult.

My husband and I blended our families nine years ago. The pre-marital counseling (that followed the pre-marital sex) said blended families fail 88% of the time.

Now that we have five teenagers, I can easily say my marriage is easier to deal with than the kids. Greg and I are a team, us against them mentality here. They screw up and Greg and I sneak off with a glass of wine and chuckle at how we chewed on them like our parents chewed on us.
None have been arrested and we feel like we're doing a good job; morals are entact, but being outnumbered takes its toll.

As for the kids, they treat each other like brothers and sisters, and sometimes even better. I seen them hug each other...amazing.

Marriage is much harder for me than being a mother. There was a rough time in the beginning after my daughter was born but it became easier fairly quickly for me. On the other hand, my husband and I are still having the same battle after 15 years. He wants a blow job everyday and I want some help with the house work. You would think that one of us would get it through our heads to do what the other wants first and then we would get what we want, but no. We are both stubborn and selfish and want the other person to fold first. It's crazy.

I find that motherhood is much harder. For much different reasons, I also suffered from postpartum depression. I was raped but decided to keep the baby. He's 3 1/2 now, and I still struggle with it every day. Every day of my pregnancy, I prayed (more like pleaded with myself)to love this child. I decided not to take the unfortunate circumstance of how he came into existence out on him.

Well, as you can imagine, my decision was pretty much vetoed by my feelings after he was born. I barely took care of him--not to the point of neglect or anything--I would feed him and hold him, but without any emotion or joy. It pretty much took a wake up call from my step-mother to either step up and work through it or call it quits. My father and step-mother tried to take my son away, and something in me finally clicked. I wanted him, and I loved him.

It caused quite a rift in my family for some time, but it all worked out. I'm still coming to terms with how I came into motherhood, but I have a beautiful boy and the opportunity to raise one great man who respects women.

Thanks for all the posts. I've been a fan for a long time, usually unable to get to the comments in time to post one! Damn work and their firewall.

I have to agree with Heather. I've been married and I've lived with a couple of people, but I don't have kids. I do have a niece and two nephews, aged 9, 6 and 3.

Just being around the kids is exhausting. They are going through a hard time right now and are particularly rambunctious and while I love them dearly, I can't be around them without an Ativan and earplugs. Seriously. I am talking to my therapist about this as it is NOT GOOD.

If I had a kid, I'd want one of those pet locator chips installed and I'd probably home school b/c schools these days just suck and the other kids would make fun of my child because, well, because that's what kids do.

I know you are all glad I'm not having kids, almost as glad as I am. I'm really very good with them (without Ativan even) and love them, but one of my own? I had a pretty unpleasant childhood and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Easy Parcheesi...marriage is a least one hundred times easier than parenthood. A)My husband has never pooped on me or kicked my jaw while I'm wiping poop. B) My husband can be reasoned with, as opposed to the reasoning one would do with 3 year old and 1 year old daughters. Which is to say, there is no reasoning, only whining and limit-setting and non-stop all day requests.

It's a good thing I'd lay down my life for my girls because Lordy I'd never marry them. Bless the men who do marry them...they'll never see another full night's sleep again.

Even with my bitching Heather, two are easier than one. I promise.

Lori

From my experience, marriage has been much, much easier than being a parent. I married a real sweetheart of a guy who is kind and decent to me. We genuinely like each other and have fun together. And I can depend on him.
I have found motherhood to be much harder. To put it quite simply, I was terrified of having a little person depend on me. And I had pretty bad ppd as well as post-partum thyroiditis. The second time I got pregnant I had a non-viable molar pregnancy (they're always non-viable), which ended up being cancerous and led to 4 months of chemo. We are now medically cleared to try again, and while I long for another child, I now associate being pregnant and post-pregnancy as something scary. I have to say, Heather, my ppd was bad but not as bad as yours (I responded to my medication right away), and your pregnancy is a real comfort to me. If you can be brave enough to do it again, I can too. I loved the image you gave of being lowered into a pond of crocodiles with machine guns ready.

I've been married for seventeen years and lived with The Mate for five years before that. We've had our share of troubles and rough patches, but by and large I've found being in the relationship steadying and nurturing. The Offspring is five, and I love him more than I could have imagined, yet I've found looking after him to be often very difficult. For me, being in a relationship with a usually reasonable adult human being is much easier than looking after an unreasonable, needy and rather fragile small thing.

In my experience, parenthood has been worlds harder than my marriage, for most of the same reasons you mentioned. I was fortunate to marry a wonderful man who is easy to get along with. We never had an awkward transition after getting married and moving-in together. We're the perfect roommates and rarely argue other than the occasional snide comment. Although we have our moments and our issues, overall, our relationship comes pretty easily and naturally. Now my daughter was colicky and I had PPD, so it took about six months for me to even like parenthood, and the whole first year was seriously rough. Just like what you said, I feel like my marriage was a major rock that I clung to when learning how to be a mom sucked. In fact, we both thought it sucked. We would often talk about how we wish it were just us again. (we quickly got over that, I think we were mostly just tired, and of course would never ever want to live life without our daughter!!) So no, you're not crazy, I think it just depends on the kind of marriage you have and how easy or difficult your kids are.

As a new to 32 year old, with no kids and not even a boyfriend, I'm going to have to say that I think marriage will be harder. I'm kind of stuck in my ways of being single, and I grew up as the built-in babysitter to my 9 year younger brother. I have gotten called his mom many times in the past.

I am very okay with the status quo that exists right now, in my life, and enjoy not having to check with anyone to get "permission" (not completely, but you know...) to go out on a night, or else to Thailand on a whim, etc, but with a spouse or partner, I feel that I would have to do so. Hopefully it'll be a "want" to do so, but that's where I wonder.

With a kid, like other people have said, they just depend on you and love you no matter what. I'm a very good caregiver, and many of my friends have said that they can't wait to see me with my own kids, as apparently I'm very good with theirs. I have my own brood of faux nieces & nephews!

Again, this is said from a place w/o kids or even a potential spouse (I can list the ones I'd LIKE to father my children...), so it could be said that I have no idea. For me, though, right now, I think that marriage will be more difficult.

Great question and look at all the responses it's begotten so far!

Married: 22 years
Parent: 15 years

I can speak with all honesty that I know why mother animals eat their young in the wild.

Both, however, give me plenty to blog and bitch about on a daily basis. Sometimes more than my fair share.

I was much more afraid of being a mother than getting married, but being a mom has been a lot easier and so much more rewarding. I would have my kids again, and sooner, without a moment's hesitation as they are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I could say the same about marriage but that hasn't been the case. I'm so glad to read so many people feeling good about their marriages. That is hopeful.

I am an old mother and wife (meaning that my children are grown and out on their own).

I think that parenthood is way overdone/overblown these days....starting with all of the testing when expecting, pregnancy food restrictions, the overdecorated nurseries, too many toys and gadgets, etc. Having children is a natural occurrence in the world, and treating each child as if s/he is the Second Coming is setting them (and yourself) up for a lifetime of disappointment.

I do not know one young couple who does not have a gifted child. I am only kidding a little. Their children are all so extraordinary and more smart and clever than any child ever born.

I find this a very sad commentary on our society today. Young parents have so much invested in their children, emotionally. And what if these children let them down? What then?

Is this over-focus on their progeny a result of so many working mothers perhaps feeling guilty for not being home all day? In my day, being home was a given and we had no guilt. We did not have to "schedule" time with our children because we were not out of the house all day. Our children were on schedules, which makes life much easier all around.

I do think that if parents relaxed and stopped focusing on every burble, fart, word, and BM perhaps they would find that they could actually enjoy parenthood.

So motherhood is way harder. I have two daughters who couldn't be more opposite than one another. The oldest cried for the first two months of life and coming from an abusive childhood I was terrified to touch her for fear I'd hurt her for no good reason. My youngest, she was an angel, at birth, who required love and nothing else. She made it easy, made me want another. Today they are 9 and 7, and they appear to be great kids. But things are changing, with hormones and boobs appearing and the hair!!!!! But this is a daily battle, to protect them, provide for them and guide them into being healthy, well adjusted adults.
As for marriage, it hasn't always been fun, but it is what it is. He's there when I need him, and I'm there for him. With a child you have to be so aware of what you say, whereas with my husband, I can lay it all out there and know that he gets what I'm saying. And vice versa.

Oh my god, parenthood is five thousand basquillion times more difficult than marriage. For me they're not even in the same glimmer of a shadow of an idea of the same universe.

My husband is a relatively reasonable person; on those occasions when he's not, I know how to deal with it, and it took maybe a couple of years to learn that. If he's being unreasonable, he seems to know this somewhere deep down inside (as I do on reverse occasions) and we reach a middle ground. We use the same words, we speak the same language, we're looking at the same basic world.

Reasoning with a child -- let alone a baby -- is an entirely different beast. There are things going on in that head that I can't hope to remember and don't remotely understand. I am someone (as is my husband) who exists on tiny protons and electrons made of communication. If I can't communicate with someone in a way in which I'm familiar, I lose all footing. I am constantly readjusting my methods of communication, my priorities, my schedule, my interests, my food palate, everything -- and I'm a fairly strict parent. One could argue that you do that in a relationship too, but it's different. That's compromise. You don't really compromise with a child. You either realign your life or, in some cases, lay down the law. Neither is easy. I had to learn that sometimes you DON'T reason with a child, you just don't. And that made me feel like I was failing.

I think it's the pressure that gets to me too. My husband is made of steel and love; he's tough and compassionate. That's why I married him. He's utterly his own person, and I can't really fuck him up too badly...and I think knowing that, ironically, makes me more laid back and LESS likely to say or do hurtful things to him. Whereas I feel that I can irrevocably damage my daughter's soul with a single word at any moment. I don't think I do, I don't think I ever have...but I could. and it terrifies me. I don't consciously think about it on a daily basis at this point, but it's there somewhere.

I love them both. To an extent they both come naturally to me and I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to practice both marriage and motherhood. But yeah...there's no question to me which is more difficult. I found Heather's comment about divorce very interesting...I'm from a single-parent home. Never thought about that giving me more realistic expectations before, but there may be something to that.

Hands down, parenting is harder. I married a known quantity. It has been great and gets greater with each year.

On the other hand, I birthed two Pandora's boxes. Sure they can be fun, funny, and rewarding, but it's like picking two strangers off the street and making a life with whatever personalities they happen to bring to your home.

Both are equally hard. But, at least I can send the little boogers to their rooms when I don't want to be around them! Can't really do that with to your husband? OOOOr...maybe I should try that!!!

I absolutely agree with you Heather. Marriage definitely has its ups and downs (wouldn't you know I'm also married to a geek named Jon - no "h" thank you very much).

But, it's a walk in the park compared to the first year we have just celebrated with our boy Logan. Ever since he was born, I've felt like we're only capable of living day to day, just scraping by and making it work. It's a struggle, it's frustrating, it's tiresome and both Jon and I think, THANK GOD LOGAN IS SO GODDAMN CUTE otherwise we might have seriously done research on how to shove him back in. ;-)

One thing is for sure, I find reassurance in reading your blog - that perhaps motherhood didn't come immediately for you, but that the pieces are slowly falling into place. I'm starting to get there, but I have a long way to go still. I'm just glad I'm not the only one.

Well, let's put it this way. I still have the 5 kids and I'm 0 for 2 in the husband department. So, there ya go.

I think the difference (and someone might have already said this) is that you're ALLOWED to go around and tell everyone that your husband is a complete jerk and how you'd like to shove his head in the oven when he pisses you off. But you can't really say that about your kids - even when they make you feel that way. We're supposed to put on this face like "YAY MOTHERHOOD!" like it's all sunshine and roses. When, in fact, it completely and totally SUCKS ASS 95% of the time. That 5% that it doesn't? COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY makes up for that other 95%. :)

So my vote? Motherhood is harder just because we can't TALK about how hard it is.

it sounds like it all depends on the partner, eh? for me, motherhood is so much more challenging than marriage. i got a great guy. when i was sobbing and screaming and burying my head into a pillow for the first four months of our daughter's life, he never made me feel crazy. and i was. motherhood is SO rewarding, but HOT DAMN it's hard. marriage is like a calming relief after a long hard day.

Well... I obviously won't be the first person to say "nice post," but still... nice post.

My vote is for marriage. That said, I may change my vote when my child gets around tween-to-teenager age.

i love being a mom and i love my daughter.
but i was a wife first. i loved my husband first.
when she's not around anymore, it'll just be us.
i try to remember to keep first things first.

Relationships: you may have to deal with pushing his/her buttons, but they came with them already installed....

Motherhood: You're building the whole damn thing from scratch.. of course its harder!!

marriage is SO much easier. Mostly because our marriage just has always been incredibly easy. No, I don't know why. Now we have a two-foot-tall battering ram who scream incoherently and crawls on our faces instead of sleeping. Not that I would trade it, and not that I have it hard by any means, it's just that parenthood is a lot harder than sharing space with someone you can actually reason with.

I want to know what research you were reading -- I love that stuff. In my opinion, parenthood is so, so much harder. Children are needy and irrational, no matter how much you adore them.

I don't think anyone can say (at least not with 100% certainty) that one is harder than the other. Marriage and motherhood are both, in turns, easy and difficult.

I am neither married nor a mother but I have many married friends (most of whom also have children). I have heard their complaints and their praises, sympathized with their struggles and basked in their joys, and I have come to the conclusion that marriage and motherhood are both strenuous and uplifting at the same time.

[The ease or difficulty of either of these is also contingent on a person's ability to handle stress and pressure.]

I don't think anyone can say (at least not with 100% certainty) that one is harder than the other. Marriage and motherhood are both, in turns, easy and difficult.

I am neither married nor a mother but I have many married friends (most of whom also have children). I have heard their complaints and their praises, sympathized with their struggles and basked in their joys, and I have come to the conclusion that marriage and motherhood are both strenuous and uplifting at the same time.

[The ease or difficulty of either of these is also contingent on a person's ability to handle stress and pressure.]

PS
Heather, being a mom of Leta is MORE CHALLENGING than most parents have to deal with. She is way smart, charming and very sassy. She is her own person and is never in doubt that her final assessment is absolutely correct. Sometimes I wonder whether she actually "needs" parents. (of course she does but I get the sneaking feeling she doesn't think so)

Jon, on the other hand, seems like a very good, funny and loving husband (no, they aren't all that way). Appropriately quirky, inappropriately lusty in adequate proportions, tolerant and flexible. Plus smart. Naturally, real live and in person is not the same, but his is a palate that doesn't challenge the way Leta seems to.

One positive (among many) she will be your really great friend when she grows up. Of that I have no doubt.

Wow. Having rode all the storms out I can say that at different times of life I would have had a different response. Early marriage easy peasy. Most differences can be solved by sex, usually. Then the kiddos and early on both parents are just madly in love with the babies. This is by design, so that you don't abandon them at a fire station. Then you reach the point where every day is just fulfilling all the schedules, ballgames, school events, etc.This period lasts for years and you don't have time to examine whether you are happy or not. Then the teen years happen and if you are lucky, like I was, the marriage is rock solid because if not, it can and will be fractured. Finally the kids are grown and move off and I grieved for awhile, but then it was like we were at the beginning, only fatter and with wrinkles. We were glad to see them for a weekend but ready for them to go home. Then the grand kids started showing up and we were like we were with our babies, but on steroids. Three years ago after 36 years of marriage my dear husband passed away after a 17 month illness. I would have been inconsolable if not for our children and grandchildren. I guess the point of my long response is that love covers up a multiple of near sins.

My marriage was not particularly hard until parenthood happened.

Marriage has now become 10 times harder, and unlike parenting, it does not come naturally. Parenthood is hard, grueling even, but it comes naturally (especially with a glass of wine in hand, I find).

So they're both hard, but I would say parenting is easier for me because it's instinctive so much of the time. Me Mama Bear, you Cub.

Both are ridiculously rewarding and worth all the trouble.

Parenthood. That is a human baby you have to look after!

With the right partner, I'd say marriage is easier. Much easier than dealing with a teenager.

I'd say dealing with a teenager would be easier though, with the right partner.

xoxo,

Marriage. Hands down. I expect way more out of the adult sharing this roof than the munchkin running around. I hate repeating myself to the same face and never seeing recognition of what I'm actually saying when the face requires a razor. I realize that I'm no picnic and that we both give each other a considerable amount of fodder for therapy.

There's something about the idea of living with the same person for the rest of my life that makes my skin itch when I get into a particular mindset. I'll always be tied to my children, but I'm training them to become healthy, reasonable, responsible adults, which technically requires them to leave our four walls. There's a very clear cut goal toward which I am working. With him, I don't know that there is a tangible goal. It's all stuff like "be happy" or "put dishes IN the dishwasher", nothing lofty but also not much to sink my teeth into. Maybe that's why I can be so difficult (that and the gestating thing with which I'm currently involved...nothing like making lungs and eye balls to make you cranky).

I so rarely comment on blogs, but in this case I am in so much agreement with you that I couldn't resist! I got to choose who I married and did a darn good job at filling the role, but I did not get to choose who I gave birth to. Please do not misunderstand, I totally love all three of my boys, it's kinda like having my heart walk around outside my body, but I did not get to choose who they are or their personalities. I could tell you the upside and downside of all three, but the one that I can most relate to you is #2 who had colic for the first 10, thats right 10 months of his life. Now #1 is fully into his teen years and let me tell you, nothing, N-O-T-H-I-N-G could have prepared me for this! Yes, in my case parenting is WAY harder than marriage.

I definitely find marriage to be waaaaay more difficult than parenting. i have one child (age 5) and she is what i would describe as high-energy, high-maintenance, carefree, unpredictable, and spirited....which makes for some really interesting days. some days it's absolutely exhausting and i feel like i really have no idea what i am doing. yet, the truth is i would do it again and would really like to have another child. but i am pretty sure i never will because i don't think my marriage can handle it...i'd probably end up divorced. my marriage of 10 years is challenging, frustrating, and for the most part lacking. and the sad irony is that he is so ridiculous most days that is it actually like having another child. some days i feel like a single parent of 2 moreso than a married mom of one.
some days i wish i had gone the Murphy Brown route!

This is my first ever comment on your site, but be it known, Heather, that I check in on your site regularly and I am often blown away by your candidness, and resonate COMPLETELY with your experience of pregnancy. We, your viewing audience, are soaking it all up-- your willingness to let us into your life.

Your question is an absurd one for me, as I don't find marriage hard at all. We've been married 18 years, and I hope I don't gag anyone with sickly sweetness here, but he's still my best friend, my soul mate, and there is nothing hard about it. It's effortless, comforting, and when I am with him alone, I feel completely at ease and blessed. Before I met him, I recall thinking death sounded like a relief from the pain of life; since I've met him, I love life, soak it up and feel so grateful to be here, a part of it all.

Parenting on the other hand (be it known that we have 3 kids - ages 10, 12, and 15 - and he has two kids from a previous marriage - ages 30 and 28) is aggravating but mostly because of all the damn dishes, the messes strewn about the house, the laundry, the crumbs, and the bitch I become getting them to clean up after themselves. I can't stand the mess, and more than that, can't stand the feeling that they are blowing me off by making a mess for me to clean up, but more than that, can't stand the angry woman I become as I ask, "How many times do I need to tell you "no towels on the floor" or "please please please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher!" Before becoming a parent, I had no idea so much of my time would be taken up being a maid or demanding that they clean up after themselves. It's the primary issue that makes parenting difficult.

One other tidbit - I was married once before and it was HELL ON EARTH. We fought all the time, nasty loud arguments. (Had we had kids, I'm sure my answer would be "Marriage is hell; kids are bliss")- Thus, it is my experience that the quality of a relationship is hugely dependent on the compatibility of the partners.

Thanks Heather for your candid nature, gifted writing and fine photography.

Parenting is, hands-down, harder for me. 12 years into my relationship and 8 into the marriage, it still feels easy. There are hard moments, but they don't come EVERY SINGLE DAY the way they do with parenting. Having a great marriage is what helps get me through those hard parenting moments.

This hit so close to home. I love my marriage and I love motherhood, but marriage has never made me want to sew rocks in my pockets.

I feel much more confident in my marriage than I do in my parenting ability right now. But maybe that's because my son is a teenager and the last few years have been incredibly hard. (And he's what I would call a "good" teen. My heart goes out to those parents with troubled teens.)

I've been married 12 years but only been a mom for 18 months, and both are hard in their own ways. But if I split the two apart--if I imagine myself as a mother WITHOUT my husband, then DUH, being a mom is MUCH harder than being a wife. For the first ten years of my marriage I could do whatever I wanted to do EXCEPT have a boyfriend, so it was really pretty easy. I went to Italy with my sister, went to graduate school, took acting classes and acted in plays just for fun, and actually went to the gym five days a week. As a mom, I HARDLY EVER get to do what I want anymore. If I didn't have a husband, then I WOULD NEVER get to do what I want. At least my husband and I can trade off so the other one can go for a jog, visit with friends, or take a dump in peace. Being a mom is WAY WAY harder than being a spouse and there ain't nuthin' no one can say to make me change my mind!!

Pffft! Have these women lost their minds? :-)

I completely agree with you, Heather, WITHOUT EVEN HAVING A CHILD, but based on my friends' and family's experience, that parenting is much harder than marriage.

I've been married for 15 years, also agree with you that marriage is not that easy, but compared to dealing with a child's moods, going through adolescence, etc. etc.? Piece of cake :-).

I can't play this game fairly because I don't have kids. But that video really struck me because I don't really think marriage is hard at all. I've always thought our marriage was especially easy because we don't have kids--so maybe there's something to that.

I did not watch the video or read the comments.

I can always leave my wife. I can never leave my kids. And not only that, my wife...will forever be the mother of my kids. So in a weird way they are tied together and make them both diffcult and both easy.

I also realize that if my wife is happy, she is a stay at home mom, then my kids are happy.

My dad used to say and I have adopted the the same thought process. "I chose my wife, I did not choose my kids." So I have to say my marriage is easier because I chose her.

I would just like to say that I love you for the last sentence of this post. Thank you!!

And I'm with you, marriage is easier. You can reason with an adult. Sometimes.

I agree with you, Heather, that marriage is way easier than parenthood. You can (usually) reason with your husband. You can't reason with a toddler who has for some unknown reason decided that her left shoe is the root of all evil and if she wears said shoe it will make her foot turn to salt and fall off her leg.

Also, I don't have to wipe my husband's ass. Yet.

Parenting is way more difficult.

I haven't looked at the momversation yet, but for me, parenthood, totally worse. I got married, and life was okay. I had a wonderful baby, and an already anxious-leaning person went over the edge. After 7 months of either being totally spazzed out and sobbing or perfectly okay (depending on the situation/minute) I got on drugs. Thus far I have needed no drugs to be married. And it was all made worse because baby was so wonderful but I was overall totally miserable. Ah...memories.

Ummmm, also? Society seems to have weighed women down with emotional turmoil of what kind of mother they're supposed to be/supposed to want to be, etc etc ad blech...whereas I don't really think too much about what wife I am, cause what ya see is what ya get.

I'd say parenthood has been much harder than marriage-hood. For one, I got 5 years of dating my man in before we tied the knot, and I got to figure him out a bit, take things slow as needed, before I had to commit forever. Six years into our marriage, things have only gotten better - not that things aren't sometimes difficult, but basically, we understand each other better and communicate on a deeper level all the time.

Parenthood... well, your kids don't exactly come with a manual. Sure, there are books out there but unless they are written specifically about a child with THAT temperament from a perspective of a person with YOUR temperament, with your circumstances, well - they aren't going to get it just right. If you understand your child's needs at age 4, it doesn't mean you'll understand them at age 5. If you communicate well with your child at age 6, it doesn't mean you'll communicate well with your child at age 10. With parenthood, you are always shooting at a target that is not only moving but dancing in a completely freaky, unpredictable way. There are times that are just amazing, and times that are beyond difficult, and they can change rapidly from one to the other. Also? You don't get to try it out and take it slow before commiting (no, pregnancy doesn't count because it is NOT THE SAME) you're either a completely committed parent or you aren't.

For real? There's no question. Marriage is easy, parenthood is brutal. Wonderful, but oh-so-difficult. Maybe it's because my husband and I dated for 5 yrs before getting hitched, and then waited a couple more years before getting pregnant, so really had time to focus on each other and our relationship. Our son (almost 2), has been a daily challenge. Love him to bits, he's the best thing that ever happened to us, yada yada, but WOW, talk about exhausting, anxiety-inducing, and grey-hair causing! Every moment a decision has to be made (should he have crackers before dinner? what time to put him to bed? when do I take away the soother? do I make him wear his mitts today?), and there is no reasoning with him to make the crying/screaming stop. I was hoping it would get better as he gets older, but judging by the other posts, I better watch out, the teen years are coming! Great.

Anyway, the marriage is, without a doubt, easier. But yet I'm still pregnant with #2, so that's gotta say something about how the fabulousness of raising a kid outweighs any nastiness.

From what you have described on your website, Leta is JUST like my Jagger. Very, very challenging, but also very, very amazing. Completely different than most children out there. Our kids are the free thinkers that refuse to allow "the norm" to define them. It's irritating and awesome at the same time.

I could have quoted your video word from word before September 14, 2007. That is when I had my second baby. I realized a few days later, when everyone talks about the utter amazing bliss of motherhood (the bliss I thought was bullshit?), that they weren't delirious. I swear I thought everyone was lying. Jagger cried for fucking 5 years (you thought I was going to say like 6 months right?). He will be 6 on the 31st of this month. I am not even going to go into how he is, except to say that the personality you have described for your sweet girl, is perfectly mirrored in my Jagger. They should get married. It would be so awesome to Jagger have to deal with someone just like him . Except, Leta seems to be eating more things. Jagger will still only eat five items of food. That actually would be awesome for me to watch.

Anyway, 15 months ago, I would have agreed with everything you said in that video. EVERYTHING. Then I had Hazel. If I had had her and not Jagger, I would have said exactly what everyone else had said. Typically developing kids make marriage seem harder. Exceptional kids make marriage seem easier. Not to downplay my sweet baby girl, but she is a breeze compared to her older brother. Some family members, at reunions no less, have mentioned that she seems to have "a mind of her own." Really? She isn't shrieking, she sleeps like a "normal" baby, plays typically, will allow her limbs to touch the ground, doesn't mind being held, will allow any kind of texture to touch her, smiles and is happy most of the time, eats well, etc. She is typical. The "mind of her own" is what a normal 15 month old does. They should have seen Jagger at the same age. They would have shoved him into a hospital.

Anyway, I am rambling because I am tipsy. Dinner with my hubby means steak and wine. Wine means rambling. Yay!

Try being a full-time step-mom to a 17 year old boy with raging hormones and a girlfriend with a skirt so short you need to cover her up with a t-shirt.

Shit yea, that's harder than being married to a man who's a wee bit crazy, somewhat lazy but loves me!

Heather, you are correct in that parenthood does not come with instructions. None of us knew WTF we were doing. Fortunately, our children survived. 2 of mine live in SLC (for now?) you, jon, leta, X, Chuck & Coco will be fine. Keep listening to your therapist & know we (out there in the blog-o-sphere) are on your side.

I'm not married nor have children, and while both scare me, motherhood scares me so much more. Marriage scares me because I do not have any good examples of long lasting marriages/commitments in my life. However, I am in a great relationship and I want to make it work with him for the long haul.

The thought of childhood however scares me sh*tless and at the age of 28 I know that I'm not cut-out for it and I've decided that I don't want babies.

What a troubling question.....

As a divorced mother of 2 I guess the obvious answer is that marriage is harder - at least for me, ergo the divorce - since I'm still a parent anyway. Then again, as the mother of a formerly happy, well adjusted daughter who imploded at puberty I have to say that the situation is perhaps the most singularly challenging thing in my life. Unlike marriage there is no divorce or opting out. I know that for some people divorce is not an option and I admire that. For others, like me, divorce is the last stop on the train before you get off at Disaster.

In parenting there is that unconditional love part that another person pointed out. It's not always present in a marriage. It is inherent in the parent/child relationship. You don't always like your children but seems to me that you always love them - no matter what crazy, silly or downright mean thing they do.

For me marriage is a choice - was it Paul Newman who said that? Parenthood isn't a choice once you take on raising a child. Is one harder than the other? Well I guess that depends on the day.

It's all about the effort. And both marriage and children require it. Sometimes those requirements are manageable and sometimes overwhelming. You just hope that they aren't overwhelming at the same time.

It's probably different for everyone. Every marriage, and every kid is different. I think both of my kids are super easy, and so is my husband. Kids/marriage happened at the same time for me too... my parents are still married and used to (likely still do) fight all the time, and would talk openly about wanting us to learn to work out problems and that marriage isn't easy.

So far, for me, being a wife has been easier than being a mother. I've been frustrated by both husband and child, but only child has made me lose my patience and temper.

Communication is key, and that's very difficult with a kid sometimes.

My hubby and I lived together for four years before getting married, and we were married for five years before our daughter was born. (And she just turned three.) So, we've been together for almost 12 years. We've been fortunate in that things have always clicked along smoothly for us.

We were pretty much experts at our relationship before diving headfirst into parenthood, so I think that made parenthood easier than it could have been, and it also made it easier for our relationship to withstand the hurricane force winds produced by the introduction of a baby to the household.

Personally, one hasn't really been harder than the other. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it's true! I've been trying to weigh them against each other, but they seem pretty equal. We found our groove pretty quickly with both. How lucky is that??

with your first born you're always a 'first time mom'...every change they go through is new for the mom as well. you're always learning as a mom. that's what makes it so challenging. so yes, it's very hard.

as for marriage....fuck love!

My first instinct was to say being a mother is easier. But thinking on it for a bit, I have to amend that. Both are very, very difficult. I think I could potentially be a superstar at either, but not at the same time.
It's also about desire. I want and need to be a good mom more than I want or need to be a good wife. Also, there is no walking away from being a mom so we just MAKE ourselves work at it because we know it is FOREVER.

I feel Marriage is easier than Parenting. Which is why we have been married 10 years and have not had children yet!

We have experienced our friends going through the joys of parenting, sometimes wishing we were there too. BUT other times! Not so much.

You can have discussions and reason with your Husband, but it scares me that you can't always figure out what's going on with your child. For me, I think it would just take all that I have to be the kind of Mother that I want to be... and I fear the simple fact that so many Mothers have trouble balancing parenting and marriage, AND having time for themselves.

Very Good thoughts here!
Thank you!

Parenthood is harder for me because it broke who I thought I was into a million little pieces. I had to figure out where my hopes and goals stand now that I have to put another person first. Its hard letting go of the idea you had for your life.

I admit that being a parent is not enough for me. It is not the single most satisfying aspect of my life and I need things outside the home, like working and having my own friends to drive crazy with my politic addiction. Some people think these things make me less of a parent than some people, but I don’t think I’d be much of a parent if I was going insane and secretly loathed my life.

With my relationship, I am lucky that we both are willing to give a hundred percent. With my son, he just takes and takes and takes… It took a lot to get used to that.

Children, hands down. I'm with Heather on this one. I had my son six years ago. The depression I'd suffered most of my life, despite being controlled with medication, spiraled out of control after he was born. Although I wanted a child, I didn't feel emotionally equipped to handle the responsibility. I had little experience with babies, toddlers and children. I had no idea how much my life would no longer be my own and the reality was devastating to me. My husband was very helpful where our son was concerned and essentially "took over" taking care of our son. Unfortunately, this made me feel like even more of a failure.

I remember very clearly flying home from a cross-country trip with my husband and son, lugging a pack and play, car seat, diaper bag, stroller and just-turned-2-year-old and thinking "I could just run away, right now, leave them here and get on the next plane to Europe ... maybe I'd write, maybe not." I can honestly say I didn't bond with my son till he was well over two. I could have left and never looked back. Now, it horrifies me to think of that.

My husband and I divorced amicably after years of struggling with secondary infertility - see, I am nuts, to consider willingly having another after my first experience.

I had unprotected sex once with my current boyfriend and am now pregnant with our daughter, who is due in March. What are the chances? I'm not supposed to be able to get pregnant without in vitro... Over the past 7 months, I've decided she's supposed to be here, and I'm so glad I've been blessed with her. But that doesn't mean that I don't lie awake at night, fully aware of how much my life is going to change for a second time.

My son is 6. He is toilet trained, in school full time, can buckle himself into his booster seat, feed himself, etc. I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN! Much like Heather is. And it isn't for lack of trying... I would have had them closer together if I could have. But the reality is they won't be. And I'm going to have to somehow figure it all out again. But I find comfort in knowing that I'm aware of what to look for regarding PP depression. I'm aware that mothering won't come natural to me and I'll have moments I feel like I just can't do it. But I have the knowledge that I made it through once, and hopefully I can do it again.

It's scary as hell Heather, but we made it once and we can make it again! I've always appreciated your candidness about motherhood. I've always been candid with my friends and even strangers I meet who ask because I know I would have felt so much better if I knew someone at the time who told me it wasn't a cakewalk. Thank you for that.

(heather, please don't post this, for your eyes only)
i just wanted to weigh in and say, marriage is much easier despite the fact my children's early years seemed like such a cinch.
our oldest is 21 and our marriage, 25 (holding together barely).
when my husband turned into an abusive alcoholic and i had to detach, it was hard but doable. it's easier to break away from a broken marriage than detach when kids are wretched and impossible (and in our case, when our oldest kids fell apart in scary ways).
i think your consistent therapy with jon will serve you well in the long run when it's 2 on 2 and around the time leta is 12, brace yourself!
it's hard to imagine when your children are young but when they get to the age where they're out of your control, and naturally breaking away, it can be agonizing. i bet your mom could tell you that when you went through your difficulties.
best wishes, lisam.

Even though marriage is no picnic, being a mother kicks my arse. We are older first time parents (38 yr) and to say our 3 year old is a challenge (both mentally and physically) is an understatement. I had to face the hard facts that I was not cut out to be a SAHM (which was pretty much my life plan and I made sure the world knew that) and went back to work after a year. Oh, the guilt. Even though I now ultimately feel this is best for everyone, I convinced myself that I walked around with "loser mom" tattooed to my head for many months. With this said, we can't even fathom our lives without our son, are crazy in love with him, and plan to add a sibling to our family. I do confess, however, that I have a tug-of-war going in my head wondering if my old bones can or can't handle what comes with another baby/toddler.

In my experience, marriage is a ride at Disneyland when compared to motherhood. I have three daughters, my oldest is also my hardest. She is 13. She makes my knees buckle on a daily basis. She always has. She was seven days old the first time my husband found me huddled in the corner humming to myself. No one told me that my kids might challenge every word out of my mouth. I was prepared for a child who might not agree with me all of the time, but NONE of the time? I find myself asking myself questions out loud. Things like, "Am I crazy? Do I know what I'm talking about? Didn't I say that out loud? Can anyone hear me? Does my voice work? Aaaaaaaah!" How can someone I love so much make me want to pull out my own molars for a change of pace?

Definitely, marriage is easier...

I have six children and one more on the way. Marriage does not make me as tired as being a Mommy. But, the little ones think eveything i say is true and perfect. hmmm. I;m not sure which one is harder with that said.

This is so interesting to me. I love being married and have never found it to be difficult. Don't have any kids, but believe it would be a lot more work. What I don't understand is if parenting is so horrid/hard, why decide to have a second child? I mean this with the utmost respect. I'm sincerely curious.

well, i like sex a whole lot, and i suppose that might lead to kids, which would (possibly) hinder said sexage with a man i love having said sexage with, since i'd be practically totally responsible for the LIFE of the result of said sexage, hence the sexage (and, unsaid, the happiness) of the relationship with the man may possibly decline, yet the parentage would be more difficult than mustering ten minutes of enjoyment with the hotty laying next to me. i vote marriage. however, parentage is probably, like, a million times more rewarding, yet a million times more destabilizing, than marriage. sigh.

i vote sexage with protection.

For me, both have been filled with joy and challenge, though I worry more about being a good mother, simply because I cannot exactly predict what kind of outcome my parenting will have on my children twenty years down the road (can any parent do that?) If you slip up in a marriage- for example, be a cranky jerk when he comes home from work, neglect his contributions to the household, etc.- you can always come clean frankly to him because he's a reasonable adult and can relate to the daily frustrations that make one act in less than attractive ways. At any given moment, however, a child may be going through a developmental phase that reacts differently to what you thought worked five minutes ago (rewarding, praising, disciplining, planning, personal care, feeding, character-building, education, etc). It's a two-step that requires so much confidence, even when dancing on two left feet. But so worth it.

My marriage was almost effortless until I had my daughter.

For me, being a mother is very difficult and scary, but I love my daughter in the sense that I would literally throw myself in front of a truck for her.

My marriage, post baby, has become very difficult- much more so than being a mother. My husband is a sweet and kind person, but he doesn't hear me when I say, "I need this in order to stay sane."

He really adds to my stress and I find myself withdrawing from him as a result. I'm like, look I don't need to deal with your selfishness, I've got a 24 hour Id to look after.

I just find that I don't have the energy I once did to deal with his quirks.

I want my marriage to work, for myself, my husband and our daughter, but I don't know that I have enough energy for both.

Great poser, Dooce! Both of these "assignments" are a hell of a gig. Vowing to "love, honor, be faithful to" (or whatever) FOREVER is not always easy. But at least (one hopes) you both speak the same language. Dealing with little ones who bawl instead of debate is a whole new kettle of fish, specially if you take both on in your 30s!

Parenthood (I have to say) knocked me for a bit of a six (cricket terminology here folks!). I felt like I had been hit by a steam train. Of course, my firstborn arrived with some serious heart health issues so that complicated things. And THAT crisis tested the strength of the marriage in a way nothing else could have. So really, it ends up being so intertwined it's hard to seperate the issues.

If I had to make a call, I'd say parenthood is tougher, simply because the "get out" clause is so much tougher. Mother Nature is a ruthless beast - your heart, your instincts (and society, thankfully, at least in Australia) just won't allow such a concept.

So interesting to read everyone else's comments in this one.
:-)
BB
PS My foray into parenthood can be found here.

I'm reading your site on my iPhone, lying in bed next to my husband of four years. Our eight week old son is sleeping in his crib at the foot of our bed and I'm terrified he might wake up at any moment. I'm less terrified than I was six weeks ago though

Like so many others, marriage has been a piece of cake compared to parenthood. I spent the first two weeks trying to overcome the shock of the huge and forever change I decided to make in my life and my marriage. I remember missing my husband so much even though we were both home all day together but I was use to just the two of us.

Our relationship isn't easy though, I see an anxiety therapist to help me with life (this was even before becoming pregnant) and she has helped me work with the stresses of marriage and now parenthood. I think over time I can excel at parenting my son but I can't imagine having more than one at this point (he is only eight weeks though). I can't wait to see your second little one and simply knowing you are throwing caution to the wind and embracing parenthood again makes me feel I can too one day.

I have to say, Dooce, I totally agree with you, having been one of the persons who nearly went off my rocker after having my first child (I've got 3 now, and it's actually great, but not to digress). And for me it was also a case of babies: no experience, husband: 7 years of dating before we got married, so I pretty much knew what I was getting before I got it. No trial period with babies. No "well, yeah, I liked you okay until we started living together, but now I think you're kind of a drag, especially the way you keep me up all night, so I'm moving out" option like there is with the boys. And let's face it, if you want out of a marriage (as long as you're not parents together), it can be like it never happened. Not the case with kids. You hit this nail right on the head, Dooce!

I am still learning how difficult parenting can be at times and my children are 29 and 27. It does not get easier. The problems are bigger and the emotions run deeper. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'm with you here. My experience with marriage has been relatively great, though not without it's minor ups and downs, but nothing like motherhood. Sometimes I think that it's too taboo to say being a mom often sucks very hard.

I remember catching a bit of a talk show featuring these two moms who wrote a book of confessions from other mothers. I was instantly fascinated until I heard a couple examples of what the "confessions" were: passing off store bought cup cakes as your own and giving yourself a time-out so that you can read your email.

Uh, seriously? Such superficial bullshit. And, in my opinion, actually does a huge disservice to other moms who, despite how hard they work and how desperately they want to be great moms, are really struggling.

Parenting is the most difficult job I have ever had. My kids are 18 (boy), 16 and 15 (girls). Parenting when they were little had different kinds of challenges. There are times when I thought I might lose it, and that one time where I actually did lose it.

Now as my kids are teenagers, it's like looking at all your failures daily. I have never failed at a job so miserably as I have parenting. Oh, everyone says how great my kids are. But I see them doing the dumb things teenagers do, and I totally forget that what they're doing is normal. It's hard not to take their screw-ups as personal; after all, am I not supposed to be guiding them, directing them...are they not a direct reflection of me and my parenting? The fact that they lost their ears and minds at the age of 14 does not help this process of growing up.

The only refuge I have from the awful feelings that parenting bring me, is the love of my life. If not for him, I'd go off the deep end once a week. So yes, Heather, parenting is harder. But I'd take my 4-year-old days back in a heartbeat. Grab a beer and enjoy the ride.

When my husband says, "I love you," I think, wow, he loves me for who I am and when my daughters days, "I love you" I think, "really, what's the angle? Because I feel like I am totally fucking you up!"
Parenthood much harder - but easier together.

Apples to Oranges...I've had multiple marriages but I'm pretty much "stuck" with my kids. (In a good way of course!)

Kidding aside, for me, marriage has been much harder. I was 8 when my siblings were born and was a mini parent immediately. My parents left me alone to babysit when I was 10. I can't remember a time when I was not responsible for another human being (before 10 I pretty much cared for my mother, at least emotionally) My needs were rarely met.

I think that's some how what it's about. If your needs were met and how, as you were growing up.

When I first stumbled across your site I'd never heard a word about it and was new to blogging overall. You had just had Leta and the second day I read your blog went into the hospital. I had no idea of how many people were already reading your blog and felt I needed to reach out to this person (you) because I felt so helpless that you were hurting so much. Having suffered severe depression myself I could tell you were devastated.

Now it's embarrassing to know how popular your site already was and how ridiculous my email must have sounded. That post touched me so much - I've been reading ever since and admire you so much. I wish when I was your age, and dealing with so many issues, I'd had someone like you to read, watch, listen to.

The hardest issues of my life have been the times I've felt absolutely alone. My depression was one of those times. Your honestly did and has since touched me in so many ways. Sorry...off topic and wandering.....

I agree with Heather. Parenthood is much more difficult than marriage. I feel like my husband and I had years to get used to each other and establish boundaries, understand how our energy waxes and wanes and in general what really pisses each other off and through that learn how to ignore the shit that really pisses each other off. You know the kids just don't stop, and there is so much pressure to not "mess them up" that I felt for a long time that everything was just fraught with stress. I began staying home with them, which wound up being more isolating and double edged than I think I ever imagined.
Now this is not to say that after 6.5 years I've not learned to glean some joy from mothering my children, but my knee jerk reaction to both of my children at birth was, "Oh my God!!!! WHAT HAVE WE DONE!!! Enjoying mothering was something that I grew and learned to take joy in. It didn't happen automatically for me.
Incidentally, I have mostly enjoyed being with my husband and did not have the "HOLY SHIT" reaction when I married him that I had with the birth of both of my kids.

Definitely marriage. Husbands are (if you've done it right) generally rational. Babies are....babies. I had never been around babies before (never babysat) and I met my husband when I was 16 and dated him until we got married at 22. I had no experience with either; however, getting married didn't plunge me into a 12 month pit of postpartum depression after a ridiculously easy engagement the way giving birth did. Dooce, I don't even REMEMBER the swimming pool.

Children need more and demand more from me than I ever thought I had the capacity to give. Every one of mine is completely different in temperment, gifts, and personality...it was like starting over with each one. If my husband and my marriage demanded this from me, I don't know that I could do it. Somehow, though, as a team, what people say is true--the bad times start to fade and you look back minimizing the trials and elevating the blessings and there's the reward. They are killing me--but bringing me such joy!

I'm honestly a little perplexed that it's such a big question. In my opinion, motherhood is WAY harder than marriage... you can't reason with an infant. Or a toddler. Or a two year old. Or... well, I guess a husband, sometimes, but hopefully... HOPEFULLY there is at least the POSSIBILITY that you can with a husband.

Oh, and I have always adored children, have had lots and LOTS of experience with babies, and I, too, thought about 'checking out' because it was so damn hard. Just so you know, you're not all THAT crazy.

xo...

b.

Interesting question, it made me think about my own situation a lot. I always thought that being a parent would be much harder then a relationship and I therefore postponed having kids for years. Now that I am a mother of a 4,5 month old, I find parenthood much easier then I would have thought, and it is actually the thoughness of having a good relationship that has kept me postponing kids until now, I realise.

Parenting, hands down. Although I've only been one for a little over two weeks. But I've never been as tired in the last six years of my relationship with my husband (the last two and a half married) as now. And being married doesn't make my tits hurt as much as being a mother does. Seriously.

And the word I have to type in to publish this is "domestic." How fitting.

Motherhood is a dozen times more difficult than marriage.
And marriage before baby was easier than it is now.

As time progresses, I find parenting much easier than being a wife.
(I never thought I'd make it out of the pre-elementary years alive though. Have faith if you are there right now. It gets so much better.)

My child has matured into an incredible, rational, independent individual. My spouse has become less dependable, emotionally unavailable and downright mean. Both relationships require lots of work and commitment; the returns have been so polar.

I will always be a mother. Gladly. I am putting an end to being a wife. Gladly.

Personally, I find ALL relationships somewhat difficult to navigate, but I think dealing with another adult human much tougher than my 5 year old. The fact that her father and I broke up when she was less than 2 is a testament to this. I think that for me, parenting is easier because I love her unconditionally. I don't love any other person (even myself) unconditionally. And so, that intense, protective, die-for-you kind of love propels me through every hurdle as a parent, and, admittedly, I have an easygoing, flexible little girl. But I don;t know that is was the act of parenting that caused you such problems when L was born; I think it was a "perfect storm" of no anti-depression drugs + intense sleep deprivation + a high-needs baby. I don;t know many that could have sailed through it with a smile on their face.

I love the comment above that said, "I have to mold my children into people, but I get to enjoy who my husband is now," (bad paraphrase).

Marriage started out hard, but has become so much easier, so enjoyable. Raising kids is a constantly-changing challenge.

And just wait until you have two, and they both decide to go through a weird stage at the same time, or they're both running fever and puking but only one can make it to the bathroom on her own (but chooses not to). ETC. ETC. ETC.

For anyone who thinks motherhood is a breeze... um, did you know your kid is building a bomb in the garage? Are you paying attention? lol

Marriage was harder for me in the beginning, and I write this as a mother-of-twins. I'm from a conservative evangelical Christian background, and while I was none of those things by the time I got married, it was weird how many habits and knee-jerk responses and crazy lingered. By the time we had children, I'd sort of delved and figured myself and our relationship out, so parenthood was just...work. Grueling, yes. Really really tough, yes. But I didn't feel like I was constantly challenging everything about who I was, or reworking the very foundations of myself on a regular basis. I just wasn't sleeping much or smelling so good for a long time. Which for me is a little easier to deal with.

But now? (My girls are four years old.) I got the marriage thing down, and even on the very worst days I feel really good about it. But parenting can still kick my ass, so these days I'd say parenting.

This discussion oddly reminds me of Ayelet Waldman's Modern Love essay in the Times from a few years ago. The one where she talks about loving her husband more than her children. I'm not saying that this is exactly the same thing, but the sentiments are almost similar. Moving on: you choose your spouse. It's a pretty simple idea but also kind of lasting. You enter into a legal contract with your partner (or an emotional one for some people, in some states) to love them to the exclusion of all others until the sun turns black. Kids are more complicated. I've always seen kids as little hostages. Sure, you enter an emotional contract with them but they didn't agree to be there, they didn't choose to be born. Stockholm Syndrome mercifully kicks in at some point, but flits in and out. When the kids aren't Patty Hearsting it, it's pretty much you and your spouse in a united front against them. Yes, you have to work on your marriage, however, you do so because you both want to.

I think - depends on the child which is harder. I have one daughter who was the easiest person in the world to raise - always made good decisions, loving, compassionate, her life is on track to be contented, happy and productive. I have another daughter who consistently made the most self-destructive decisions possible. Even now, when the worst is over (she's 26), we deal with the consequences of all the crappy decisions she made from 17 to 22 - children, lack of education, dead-beat boyfriends. I mean, I love her, she's a warm, loving, giving human being, but it is the most difficult thing in the world to be her parent, to see what she SHOULD do, and watch her choose the worst option over and over and over. I want to FIX her life for her - isn't that my job as her mother? And I can't and I know that. My husband, on the other hand - he's a grown-up and responsible for himself - I don't want to try to fix things in his life. We can just love each other and accept who the other person is.

I guess there is just a constant background worry that goes on with a difficult child - I don't have that with my marriage.

I think that being married would be more harder for me... call me bitter but i cannot imagine waking up to someone every day wondering if this is the day they will say. "I changed my mind, I want out... I want a change of scenery." Whereas being a parent, the child is wholly dependent on you, and (except for severe circumstances) it's not optional. Me personally, that (familiar) fear of being abandoned by a partner makes it hands down the most difficult, least appealing, and least likely for me.

relationship/partnership way easier than parenthood - I am a step parent so this could be even more tricksy - but both of those pale into insignificance when I try to access Momversation - glorious American accents and no subtitles - as a Deaf English woman I've no idea what you're talking about - but you all look lovely and polished - as good Americans should!

Someone brought up the issues of infertility and adoption, both so difficult and something we should consider when complaining about parenting. These are enormously emotional and taxing problems, perhaps more difficult to cope with than marriage or parenting...or the pressures we encounter from friends and relatives to have more children.

Being a parent is harder. You can choose who you marry but you cannot choose who you give birth to.

I agree, that matherhood is harder than marriage. Luckily I have a great partner to help me through the tough times with our 16 month old but, when I think that I am forming a human being and hoping that he will be an amazing person and a good person, that pressure is huge!!

OK, so, as promised in comment #1 (though I was only joking at the time I wrote it), I am getting back to you on the question posed.

I was thinking about this in a "marriage versus parenting" context ... but I've just had an epiphany (read: ass-munchingly, phefuckingnomonally awful morning) that gave me some clarity:

Being married isn't all that hard (assuming you both like and love the person you're with). Parenting is hard, very hard, but when it's rewarding, it's more rewarding than anything you'll ever experience, so that comparison is kind of a draw.

Now, being married AND being a parent? THAT'S the insanely difficult part. The worst (and most-recurring) arguments and problems my wife and I have with each other almost always, without fail, stem from disagreements about how to handle the kids, or are the by-product of the stress of dealing with the kids. When I am alone with the kids, I find parenting to be exhausting, but not ulcer-inducing. When we are together with the kids and they are proving difficult to manage, we usually drive the metaphorical car right the fuck off the metaphorical cliff.

In closing: keeping a family and a marriage intact, and doing so without compromising yourself to the point that you want to gargle with Drano, is the difficult part.

Motherhood. No contest.

For me marriage is much harder than being a mother. I was mommy to my younger siblings then I became a single parent at a young age. When I met my husband, suddenly there was this man in my house who had opinions about the way I folded the towels, spent my paycheck or disciplined my child. Seven years and another kid later, I think I'm just now starting to get the hang of this compromise thing. Mind you that in no way indicates I like it. I tell my husband all the time that if our marriage ever ended or he ever died I would never marry again. Poor fool thinks it's a compliment! (Love you hunny!!)

Boy that's a tough question. I've been thinking about this at my desk at work, just sitting here staring off into space, for about 10 min. now. I guess I've come up with parenting is harder. I usually have an easier time reasoning with my husband than I do reasoning with my two-year-old. Usually.

While I do not have children and cannot actually respond to the question posed, I would like to thank Heather for openly, uabashedly admitting that marriage is hard. I love my husband and think that we have a pretty great relationship. But that doesn't mean marriage is easy. I feel as though culture leads you to believe that if you have a good relationship, marriage is easy. And if things get tough, you're not allowed to actually admit that, for fear of people thinking that your marriage is falling apart. Things get complicated in the best marriages which is no reflection on their stability.

For what it's worth, I'm guessing that kids will be more difficult than marriage and I'm guessing that kids will make marriage more difficult as well.

Parenting is a lot harder. A LOT harder.

I've been married to a great guy (really!) for 22 years; we're parents to two wonderful sons, who are 21 and 17. We adore them unreservedly, and have always been totally involved, doting, conscientious parents.

Having said that, that doesn't mean it's all been perfect...beyond a doubt parenting is the SCARIEST (there is no fear like the fear you feel waiting for your new teen driver to arrive back home after dark--and they're late, and not answering their cell), hardest, most frustrating thing I've ever done, and the older they've gotten the more complicated it's been. I remember my grandmother tutting, "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." That's pretty apt, even when your kids are normal, well-adjusted young adults.

They're both tough in different ways, but it all comes down to communication and actions.
And thanks for including and acknowledging those who are 'marraige-challenged' - though I can FINALLY get married this year in CT!!! YAY!
Happy new Year and to hope that my marraige will be recognized Federally soon!

For me, it's a matter of choice. I have a choice whether or not I want to be in a marriage, but I will always be Jillian's mom, no matter what else I do, ever. Therefore, I have no choice in that matter and that makes the parenting thing relatively easy for me. The marriage is a bit more work only because I know in the back of my mind that I can choose to leave it. I haven't made that choice and I don't foresee any circumstances that would make me do so, but the fact that this option is available makes it harder to make the relationship work than it would be if I didn't have a choice in the matter.

I make no sense at all.

What I'm trying to say is that I can make ANYTHING work if there is no other choice. Of course, it helps that Jillian was a fairly easy baby who is growing up to be a pretty rad little kid. The husband, on the other hand, is an ongoing project. :-)

Parenthood is much harder for me. If you are married to the right person, marriage is still a lot of work, but it is not nearly as difficult as being a mom. As the mother of two kids, one 12 year old girl and a 9 year old boy, I feel like I am still waiting for some of the insticts to kick in.
By the way, Heather, you look beautiful. Jon, Leta and baby are lucky to have you.

WOW, I've never heard anyone explain so perfectly why parenthood is so completely terrifying! You are dead on when you say that in relationships, you get to "try things out" before you latch onto the one that you keep forever, but being a parent is like "being dropped in a pool not knowing how to swim."

Getting married was like falling off a log for me - I was completely sure and completely ready. Having a baby hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was VERY near the breaking point with regret, fear, anxiety, depression and remorse. I still hate how I felt that first year - feel like it was unfair to my child and somehow all that venom found its way into her little psyche and she'll know how many times I wished I'd never had her. Of course NOW... NOW my heart is immeasurably swollen with the love I feel for her - the pride and the undeniable assuredness that it WAS the right decision, that she IS the best thing I've ever done and I will do ANYTHING for her (including being the best mom I can be).

Anyway, I think parenting is also more challenging because you, as an adult, are trying to use adult rules in an adult world against the innocence and naivite of a child. You have to re-work your approaches and your own coping mechanisms to be the best teacher you can be. It's also a NON-STOP process. Every time they go through a new developmental stage, you have to learn new tactics and it IS a whole new situation all over again. All of that makes for something compeltely different (and harder) than the (hopefully) two-way relationship that a marriage is.

I find marriage much easier than motherhood. It took a while for my mothering instincts to kick in, because I was always the youngest in my family. I was never around babies. The first diaper I ever changed was my daughters...in the hospital the day she was born. My marriage is the thing that keeps my rooted in life. My parents have been together for 35 years, but I always knew what I wanted in a husband and didn't compromise on that. But the thing is that you can get away from your spouse for a day if he's bugging you. You're kind of stuck with a child. I have a 4 1/2 year old girl, and I'm sorry, I don't always want to play Sleeping Beauty for three hours. The fact that she loves pink and dresses and princess-y things is very strange to me. I think that's it, really...you can choose your husband. You can't choose your children. You get who you get and have to figure it all out along the way.

I find them both equally difficult. After 27 years of marriage, two grown children, I find myself wondering about the "is this all there is" question and the answer is always the same "Yep, it is all there is - sprinkled with jobs, friends, happiness, sadness, love, hate, life, death, madness and sanity". Here's my advice: "you can have it all, just not at the exact same time".

Heather -- I think your assessment of parenthood is oh-so-correct. And listen, even after 25 years, I'm still learning and growing as a parent. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and kicking off this valuable discussion.

I don't have kids, but am in a relationship and am convinced that kids would be harder. I know my significant other. I choose every day to be with him. When you have children, you not only don't know who they are, you are in charge of helping shape who they are. I can't imagine anything more terrifying.

I'm so firmly in the "parenthood is harder" camp that I can hardly believe that there are people out there whose experiences could be so different. (No judgements. Really.)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and together for almost 20. We have plenty of arguments and disagreements, but our relationship is 100-percent solid. I know that when I don't have it in me, he'll hold me up. And I like to think that he knows the same of me.

I worship my daughters and know they adore me--but no matter how crappy, worn-out, or empty I feel on a given day, it's ALWAYS my job to hold them up. That's what I signed up for when they were born, and I'm not wishing for something different, but it's damn, damn hard some days.

I had my baby when I was 17. She's 24 now, I'm 41 and I just got married -for the first time in my life- two months ago.

Being a single parent wasn't a walk in the park but it wasn't all that bad either (now that I see it in perspective). I made a lot of mistakes, some very bad. I also did good things and in the end I think there was a balance. My daughter is a very composed young woman who knows what she wants and goes for it.

All I ever wanted her to think of me was "My mother is cool" and I think she sometimes thinks I am.

As far as marriage goes, it's been very easy and nice so far, but it's only two months!!

You look very pretty, I wish you the best. Feliz Año Nuevo!

No doubt about it, parenthood is so much harder than marriage. It's worse than being in a foreign country and not knowing the language. And just when you think it gets easier, you reach a new stage, and BAM you are right back to looking up words in the foreign language dictionary so you can figure out how to get through it without holding someone's head under the water in the bathtub.

Marriage might have put me in therapy, but parenthood put me on Zoloft!

all I can say is that I've never seen a group of women who grate on my nerves more than this bunch! Holy crap. It was all I could do to not throw something thru the monitor. How annoying are you all? I can't figure out who is worse! Shit, get a life!

For me, marriage has been much harder than motherhood. But that's because I married a person who turned out to be crazy. We've been in therapy for almost 4 years now, and things are getting better. Parenthood is extremely challenging and frustrating, but the rewards are so great, and it is less complicated than contending with an adult who you can't force to behave.

at the moment both are equally hard. i never thought The Mr. would handle it this way. we've only been parents for 6 months. and for the last 6 years of marriage (or 14 years of being together), i thought i had him sorta figured out.
until we had our daughter. and everything i knew completely blew up in my face.

because of becoming parents, it's made our marriage that much harder. not that it was perfect before, but he did have the moniker "best husband of bunko"...
glad i had to quit bunko; i'd hate to admit to him he no longer deserves that title.
coming home with a brand new (fussy/needy/heavy) baby has really not helped our bond get stronger.

we have joked about it, but i honest-to-god think that somehow he is the one who got post partum depression. i've heard of sympathetic pregnancy symptoms. i see no reason why this couldn't be the case.

so i've been living the past 6 months not knowing how to please either person in my life.

Thank you so very much for including those of us parents in relationships that aren't legally recognized. (Yes, that means GAY) We have all the same issues vis-a-vis parenthood/partner relationship. I love your blog and this is one more reason (as if Chuck alone wasn't enough reason) for that love.

100% without adoubt or hesitation parenthood is harder. Why? Maybe because like you said the rules are always changing. I am just leaving the "bootcamp" years. My youngest turns three today so my life is no longer wrapped around feedings, diapers, colic etc etc. But now I am watching them spread their wings away from me and I no longer control their universe. How many times have I been stopped in a grocery store or wherever and I've had a baby in the cart and a toddler or two running around and an older person will tell me to really stop and love these years because it is just about to get so much harder. And I would think "Are you crazy how much harder can it get?!?" but now I am watching them all start to navigate the pre-teen and teen years and yes it is soooo much harder and heartbreaking than I ever imagined. Marriage, well I am married to my best friend, someone who is truly my better half and I have loved all of that.

When I got my first child, a daughter, I never had even fed a baby or changed a diaper. Having children was natural, but not visceral for me. I first was a very technical mother: I acquired good cleaning techniques, cooked every meal myself, bought fresh vegetables, and so on and so on. But I couldn't give her warmth and comfort. When I had my son, 20 months later, I became more loving and soft, because I knew the technical side, I knew that I was able to keep a baby alive...
Quickly though, I became aware that I copied my mother, her harsh and demanding way to speak, always asking for perfection... There was a moment I recognized that for the love of my children I first had to cope with my childhood before being responsible for their's.
Two years of therapy and major clashes with my father later, I still have some issues to sort out. But I definitely can say that I do not any longer consider my children as mini-me. I'm no longer witnessing helplessly my own reactions, I'm no longer copying the only model I had before.
As to marriage: my husband is the only person I can stand 24/24, 7/7.

Parenting is more day to day frustrating and tiring, but there is never any doubt in my mind that I can and will make it work. My relationship on the other hand is much easier on a day to day basis, but more work in the long term to make sure we both want the same things from our lives and our relationship. But both are equally rewarding and worthwhile in their different ways. So I wouldn't say one is easier or harder than the other, just different in how I approach them.

Marriage is super hard.

Parenting is super hard.

Parenting is super hard on a marriage, and marriage can be super hard on your parenting skills and your kids. I know my parents marriage did a doozy on my mental state as a child.

Try being a step-parent in disagreement with your spouse about their children...... That's harder than any of the above.

Hm, that's a toughy, NOT!

It took me 4 months to figure out that I was suffering PPD with my oldest (now 6 1/2y). At least you were smart enough to actually remove yourself from the situation. I would just look at her and sob!

Anyway, parenting is MUCH harder for these reasons (for me)
1) I chose my husband. My Children came with prepackaged personalities. All I can do is install buttons. Can't change the actual personality.

2) I can actually discuss things with my husband if there is an issue. "Because I said so" doesn't quite cut it in a martial spat.

3) My husband can wipe his own ass.

4) I have my own ideas of what my kids want and how they should be, this is just silly. I would never impose myself on my husband this way, but somehow, being a parent makes you feel that you can. Until you step back and realize that you are just there to guide them. And that's when your heart breaks.

Yikes!

To be fair I'm not a wife or mother. But I would assume that motherhood is much harder.

There are many more choices that can be made with full knowledge when getting married that are completely impossible with children.

Conscious decisions and result vs. Deciding to have a kid and result... hmmm

Wow. There's a lot to say on this and I don't want to leave a novel in your comments. I'll try to be succint.

The first time around, both parenting and marriage were impossibly hard. Marriage was harder, because I was trying desperately to make it work. He was trying to set the world record for most women slept with in a year.

This time, marriage and parenting are easier. I have a partner, an active one. The parenting is harder, because I constantly feel like I am screwing it up royally. How do you know you've effed it up, until your child is on trial for mass murder???? Marriage has more immediate feedback. He tells me if I'm being too bossy. I tell him if he's being to lazy. That's how we work and we're pretty happy.

Some of it may be the difference between 21 and 31. Some of it may just be my personality.I don't know.

No question - parenting is the hardest thing I ever done. I quit my parttime PR writing job this past summer and I've never worked harder in my life as a mother of a 4 year old and 1 year old.

My maternal instincts also took about a year to kick in and even still I feel like I have no clue sometimes.

I agree with you 100%. It likely depends on your partner or your kids. But surprisingly to me, I have had a much easier time being a wife than a mother. I would not have predicted that. I do not have experience with other men besides my husband. I just think we are well matched and able to work things out. Both of us are 100% committed to working things out. Your statement about your relationship being the rock upon which you build, is exactly the way I feel. When the rock gets unstable, I feel completely unhinged. Motherhood has been way more difficult than I thought it would be. For me I think it has to do with feeling like my older daughter is from another planet sometimes. I am not sure how I ended up with a kid who is so completely different from me that it doesn't seem like we're related somehow. Although I love her beyond all reason and would do anything for her, I feel insane and inadequate with her a lot of the time. My younger one is easier but I still feel like a failure on a regular basis. I hope someday it will feel a little easier, but I think mostly I've just stopped expecting to know what I'm doing, and just wing it a lot more. We're all happier. Sorry to ramble, long story short, I agree.

Can't get the sound on the video, but without question I'd have to agree with you: mommyhood is one thousand times more difficult that wifehood was all by itself.

I think parenthood is the hardest thing I have ever gotten myself into. Harder even than the 3 years I spent in a Master of Fine Arts program, getting my ass kicked every two weeks by three professors and my anxiety ridden competitive peers.

But I wouldn't change a thing. My son is amazing and worth every bit of stress and missed workouts.

http://www.12pair.blogspot.com

Even though my husband drives me crazy most days and I love my children unconditionally, and I love him deeply.
Being married and keeping our marriage strong is much easier for me than being a mother and parenting. It has been said that choosing to be a parent is choosing to see your heart walking around outside of your body...might I add and wanting to beat the living crap out of it at times? But I think dealing with an adult on an adult level is much easier than dealing with a tiny terrorist.

not a level playing field..
its like comparing apples with crusty vomit in your hair

For me it's not so much a question of which is harder: marriage (being a husband, in my case) and parenthood. Rather, it's a question of which I like.

I like being a parent. Came at a bad time in my marriage but I accept my responsibility as a father and like taking care of her.

I don't like being married.

A baby/child does not possess critical thought abilities. We as adults know that going in, so no matter how hard it may get ... if you are a smart enough person, the fact that you are dealing with an irrational little human somewhat rationalizes it.

However a spouse *does* possess the ability to think critically (well, hopefully) and therefore the frustrations and stress surrounding keeping up a relationship becomes very trying. Dealing with the irrational when the situation should be rational is just beyond my capacity.

The first 5 years of my marriage was a cakewalk: never fought, hardly had to "work at it." The second 5 years has been brutal (the child didn't come along at precisely 5 years, so that wasn't the trigger). Things were shitty for a couple years before a baby came along and mud on my face for getting to that point: I'm stupid. I'm also very likely to become a divorce statistic as a result.

Marriage is harder.

Parenting is harder. I found it most difficult in the early years, the first four being the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. My daughter is now almost seven and the last year has been particularly wonderful. My husband helps more, my daughter is more capable of helping herself, and we've reached a state of equilibrium that seems to suit us all.

May she skip the teens and head straight off to college after she turns eleven.