No question about it: parenthood is harder than marriage.
I must include the caveat, though, that marriage is only easier if your partner is a good friend of yours and someone you genuinely like. I'm so happy that's the case with you, Heather, and it's certainly the case here.

Glad you enjoyed the Oy To The World CD!!!!

Emily (and Robert)

This is a very tough one for me.

Overall, I have to say that parenting comes easier than being married. Though on a day to day basis, being a parent is much more frustrating.

I used to think the motherhood part was easier, but now that he's 15 it's gotten a lot harder. For one thing, your teenager doesn't really appreciate you sharing everything they go through with the whole world wide web, so you don't even have that open forum of the "mommy blog" anymore. For another, the teen years are just HARD. They can be unspeakably sad and painful and it is so devastating to watch your child have to go through that.

I too have had a much more difficult time adjusting to parenthood than I did to wifehood. I feel very blessed to have found my husband who is a perfect match for me. We rarely fight--he is an awesome communicator. I am often the one who doesn't want to talk. This is not to say that there aren't things that we disagree on, but we both know and are committed to our marriage in a way that allows us to have enjoyed 12 years of bliss with just a few minor moments of irritation/anger with the other.

Parenting gets easier but so does marriage as we learn the other person's ins and outs, etc it all gets easier, but from the start marriage was easier--at least for me.

Marriage is definitely more difficult for me. It is more emotionally challenging and demanding. I agree with Alice Brady when she said that its clear what your duties are as a mother. Feed child, change diaper, play, nourish, teach, etc. It doesn't seem to be as simple or clear cut with marriage. The needs and wants seem to be more complicated... or perhaps I just haven't learned or acquired the tools to make it seem not-so-complicated?

With my first kid, I would have said parenting was more difficult. With my first marriage, I would have said marriage was. (Ha!) I don't see either as more difficult than the other now, having the experience in both. I learned from each "first" on what worked, what didn't, what my boundaries were, and basically how to cope with problems ranging all over that spectrum. Not to say I'm an expert, but I learned how to pick and choose my battles in both wars and take it all in stride.

I am happily married and it's not hard at all. Parenting on the other hand scares the crap out of me and I'm gonna remain childless because I know I can't do it. so from a not parenting person you parents ROCK!

This is a super difficult question - considering I am not in a relationship at the moment. Obviously my marriage failed - but it wasn't due to us not being able to 'make it work'. There were outside influences let's just say. Regardless, I did enjoy being married and I enjoyed working at it. So I have to say motherhood is harder for me. Every day it seems like a struggle that I have to learn how to deal with. Relationships come a lot more naturally to me. I think it is truly a personality difference - some just 'take' to motherhood very naturally. I am not one of those! It has been work since day one, but work I am glad I am doing in the end of course.

love you, heather! i haven't yet been married or parented, but i'm guessing that marriage will be much harder than parenthood, because i don't know of people divorcing their kids, just their spouses. that speaks volumes to me.

I'm not a mommy, but for a very good reason. I don't think that I'm cut out for it. I work with children each day. I'm thankful to send them home at the end of the day. Parenting isn't something I think I'm qualified to sign on for full time.

I read a book that I think you would find interesting Heather - Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. It was the first book(memoir) about parenting that I read that didn't make things sound like instinct would take over and all would be fine.

I still don't know the answer. When my first child was born I appeared to be a natural mother and my marriage was also stable. When my second came along, both areas of my life were in turmoil. Neither was easy. I doubted my mothering ability - how could I not instinctively know what this second child needed like I did the first time. And who the hell did my husband think he was having needs of his own. Couldn't he see that I was falling apart? Was it my marriage or becoming a parent? All I know is that it was a lot of work and worth every bit of it.

Being a mom is much more difficult for me. I think part of the reason is that I'm trying to help shape the people my children will grow into while I'm just enjoying the person my husband already is. I imagine that if I was in a relationship with a person who didn't have the same values and beliefs as me, or who was just a total ass, it would probably be harder to for me to be a wife!

For me, motherhood is harder, hands down, but it's getting easier. My first marriage, which produced my now-7-year-old ["And a HALF," she'd interject], was a disaster of epic proportions. She's the only thing we did right. Well, maybe some of the home remodels and trips we used to distract ourselves from the fact that we were Israel and Giza could come in as honorable mentions.

My first three years with her were awful. First, I wasn't completely certain I wanted to BE a mom (she was the product of goodbye sex). Next, she didn't speak for, like, 20 months, and I never quite got the gist of Baby. She was a very happy baby, yet I still felt inadequate in meeting her needs. Also, I suffered from pretty severe postpartum depression, which left me kicking holes in walls, etc. etc. My divorce further complicated matters, as we have joint custody, and my ex has just recently decided that I'm not such a bad mommy after all. Once she started talking and being able to express her feelings in a manner other than biting, screaming, and pouring grape juice all over my leather seats, mommyhood got easier. Now, we understand each other, which means we know exactly how to push each other's buttons, and how to remedy the reaction that comes. It's gotten so much easier. And that's why I intend to keep my one-and-done promise. I can't imagine going through the hell of infancy and toddlerhood ever again.

I recently conversed with a woman who's a world-renowned child psychologist, who says that the first three years set a child's personality and life track in place. All I can say to that is, Lauren, I'm sorry, and send me your psychiatry bills. Then again, this same expert told me not to worry because a parent's only job, really, is to fuck up their kids and keep her in business.

Now, I'm engaged to be married, and while the relationship is tricky because he has a special needs child and weekend visitation, we're doing it so much better. First of all, we actually have chemistry, and compatibility. And we can talk about anything in our indoor voices, even if it's touchy. I think the stability of our relationship can be credited to our mature ages at which we met (37, which is 50 years older than when I met my ex, at age 23), some counseling and drugs, good drugs. It's a walk in the park compared to mommyhood.

Lynn

I think being a parent is harder. You have to try to understand the child you made. What there needs are and no child is the same what makes one happy might not be the same for the other. Where marriage is you pick that person and you are friends and you love them because you chose to. Were having a child is you get what you get a don't pitch a fit!

I have no kids yet, but am fully expecting motherhood to kick me in the ass, especially since my marriage is pretty much a piece of cake. Oh yeah, and I was a good kid and my hubby was a hellion, so I am quite sure that I will get paid back for EVERYTHING HE DID.

I should add, though, that though my marriage is great now, I think that's only because we got all the crap out of the way before we ever even got married. We started dating freshman year in college, and fought like crazy during school. We graduated, got out of said fraternity and sorority houses, and discovered that we really liked each other! He's my best friend, and I his (he did admit that to me) and for us, it makes the petty arguments easier to get over, and the big stuff easier to discuss.

I would say motherhood is certainly more difficult, but maintaining a marriage while being a relatively new mom is tough too. I naively thought there would be a 50/50 division of labor when it came to kids, but I realized (and now excepted) it is not that way at all. At least in my situation, as the mom, I do WAY more stuff. Not to say my husband isn't a good father, he is. But I am the one who has the running list in my brain of feeding times, what should go in the diaper bag, getting stuff ready the night before for daycare, when she should have a bath, etc. My husband just doesn't think that way. It took me a while to accept that and many conversations with my husband for us to understand each other.

For me, the two are similarly difficult, but for very different reasons. They're both very very hard work, energy-draining and unforgiving. However, they are both also wonderfully rewarding, miraculous and always-changing. Kind of life itself!

Heather, I am with you.
My husband and I had it figured out with each other and knew how to fix it when it was broken. It was a give and take, fulfilling each other's and our own personal needs on a regular basis. We knew well how to compromise. With Baby, there is no compromise. With our baby girl who is now 13 months old, it was just me giving and fretting and caring for and feeding and consoling and cleaning her. I also think because we had very full, fulfilling lives before adding Baby (and although we wanted one desperately), we had to work hard to make room for her in our everyday.

Married for 7 years and I'm expecting our first child, I'm much more nervous about motherhood than I was about spousehood. At least a spouse can be reasoned with, carry their fair share, work toward common goals. They are a partner. A baby isn't. And then if you mess up, they blame you and spend years in therapy. Not that is isn't rewarding and all that crap, but it's not the same.

I'm due with my first in April, and this very question is the thing I worry about the most! My husband and I get along like peanut butter and jelly most of the time, and we've had a really fun 6.5 years just the two of us. We've weathered some pretty decent challenges and come out great on the other side, and I feel so confident about our relationship as it is. And now we've decided to add a brand new personality into the mix in the form of an infant! I hear all these horror stories about moms who can't stand their partners and I've seen my friends get all weird about letting their partners help with the baby, etc., and I'm terrified that somehow there is this lurking demon inside of me that will come out as soon as the baby is born and all of a sudden my marriage will become like all the marriages on sitcoms and for the first time ever we'll yell at each other and snip at each other all the time. It seems unlikely, but most of the time I don't see what people were like before kids, so I can't compare and decide whether I'm susceptible or not! Heather, you make me feel more confident that my hubby and I can stay good, even if the parenting thing is even harder than I imagine, and I am totally grateful for that. There doesn't have to be a lurking demon, right?

I'm in a 3.5-year relationship (we live together in sin), so I might as well be married. We don't have kids, but I'm going to venture a guess that motherhood is much more difficult than marriage. Actually, our relationship seems pretty easy, but I cannot imagine having my life dictated by a baby. Plus, nothing terrifies me more than the thought of being responsible for another human being's life.

Hi, Heather - I agree with you. Motherhood is much harder for me than marriage. Your analogy about a screaming baby vs. a screaming date is spot on.

At this point in my life (with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, 8 month old daughter), I am a little sad to say that marriage is harder. I love my husband; think he's handsome, funny, smart, and most days he gets me. But, unlike Heather, I was very fortunate to have the parenting instincts kick in immediately. (Had I not gone back on meds at week 26 of my pregnancy, I don't think I could say that).

Being a working mom is hard; hard to juggle everything that must get done just to maintain a semi-clean home, spending time with Ellis, maintaining my relationship with my husband as we settle into roles as parents, and then, having time to actually do something I WANT to do, not HAVE to do. Having said that, I still think it's easier to meet the needs of my daughter than it is to meet the needs of my husband, or to get my husband to understand that I need more help than he give; a perpetual argument in our household.

I think my answer to this question may be quite different if Ellis was a toddler or a teenager. I am waiting for the day that she tells me "no", or flips me attitude. I think as Ellis changes, and we learn to adapt our parenting to the stage Ellis is in, the dynamic in my marriage will also change.

As someone who's married and never had children (planning to never have children) seeing all of these women talk about marriage being harder than parenting has be wondering if they made the wrong choice as to who to have children with. Their view of what a child's needs are compared to an adult's seems absolutely ass-backwards to me.

I find them equally hard... sometimes I feel like when my son arrived, my husband and I married another person.

As someone who spent most of December trying to convince my husband that we needed to run-away, I would say that motherhood is definitely harder than marriage!

Parenting IS the most difficult thing in the world to me — and the most rewarding. My husband is my partner with whom I share my life. My daughter is my responsibility. As a mother, I have to be there always and help guide her and shape her and teach her constantly all the while she is striving to be her own person and figure out her own life. Parenting it the most heart-wrenching condition I've ever experienced and I would never trade it for anything.

After having been married to the same guy for 31 years, raising three kids and enjoying two grandkids, I can say this: Marriage and parenthood are both tough states, with peaks and valleys, depending on where you are. Kind of like riding through the mountains. When you're in the valley, you gaze at the mountains with longing. When you're in the mountains, the valleys below look green and lush. But most of the time, you don't have the time to sit there and stare. You just deal with the road and try to take the curves with care. And sometimes, you just hope like hell you don't miss one.

Although I do not envy your stay in the booby hatch, I do envy, then, your marriage. I am finding marriage infinitely harder than motherhood-but only SINCE Motherhood.

We both have less time and patience for each other than before. My husband oftens feels stressed and the burden of taking on more financial strain since I work less has been tough.

Which is not to say, Motherhood is not tough-It is. But, since my Son is a toddler, he is a bit easier to read. It's also easier to try and correct HIS behavior. :-)

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first child, and i'm scared shitless. Not to mention, i'm 36. Not exactly a spring chicken.

I'm absolutely terrified of everything realated to my little alien in my tummy, I don't really have much baby experiece either, i'm jumping into this with a "whatever happens happens" attitude, i'll deal with whatever is thrown at me. What else can I do really? I'm doing this. I just hope it's a very patient baby. lol.

I'm having fun decorating the nursery for now. We'll see what happens once it "arrives".

It totally depends on the individual husband and totally depends on the individual child and totally depends on the hormones/chemicals of the year. Personlity is a huge factor. One kid is a walk in the park, one is my life lesson.

I am 31 and married with no kids. The thought of having/raising a child completely freaks me out. I don't have the maternal thing going for me and I'm too worried about money, daycare, raising another human being, oh and the fact that it is forever! It was refreshing to read what you said about not being equipped in the beginning with your first child. There really is no way to prepare/practice for parenthood unless you want to work in a daycare or something. I imagine I will have kids (if my body lets me at 36 or so) one day but I don't think it will ever be easier than being married - and that's been no joy ride either.

Ultimately, I find motherhood much more difficult because at the end of the day, I am responsible for this young person's life, for his upbringing, for the person he will become when he is an adult. He's almost 15, and things are harder than ever. I have to let him go soon and hope that everything I've given him will prepare him to live his own life.

With my husband, while things can be very difficult, he's a grown human being and brings that to the table...the burden of who he is, who he will become, is not on my shoulders.

My initial reaction is to say that motherhood is harder. But on some levels I would say my marriage is hard as well, but for different reasons.

With motherhood I'm constantly worried that I will screw up my daughter, but I've found that so far (at age 7) she seems capable of an endless amount of forgiveness and love. No matter what I do, her love is completely unconditional. And even when she gets hurt, she seems so willing to try again. The stakes seem really high and the responsibility at times is overwhelming, but the margin of error seems to tip in my favour (at least for now).

With my marriage the challenges are different. How do we balance each other's needs with our own AND those of our kids? And since this is my second marriage, I truly appreciate that the amount of patience and love one can have for another isn't always endless. Sometimes you can neglect someone too much, misread their needs too many times, or simply stop communicating. And the willingness to say your sorry, to go out on a limb, to reach out and connect even when you are hurting? That is a delicate thing that can so easily and quietly slip away.

So, for right now, the sheer "in-your-face" challenges of parenting win out. But I'm always mindful that the stuff between your spouse, that can be fragile and easy to neglect.

Good question!

I have to say that I find parenting way harder than my marriage. Of course this could have something to do with the fact that we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and we have 3 babies (15 months and younger). I am so busy with the children (we also have 3 older children) that when my husband finally gets home from work, I hand him whichever baby I am currently holding and run from the house screaming only to return after they have all gone to sleep including my husband, so I rarely see him.

First of all, wow. I'm really pumped to watch this episode (I know that probably sounds ridiculous).

My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby. We've had a very blissful marriage thusfar-February 16 will be two years. That's not to say that we don't have disagreements and arguments, and, randomly, fights, but in the same way that you say you knew Jon was the man with whom you could make it work because you WANTED to make it work--I completely understand. We work things out. For the msot part, we sail through love and life in a really nice way.

Now, we've just graduated university (we're 24 & 23), looking for jobs in a downturning economy, and expecting our first baby. Our marriage is still great, and the we're both very excited about the baby that's coming. However, I have no idea how, if at all, parenthood will change any of these things.

Hopefully, everything will continue as-is or only get better. :)

Thank you so much for always sharing so much of your life. You are a true inspiration.

Raising humans is not easy, especially when you're raising little humans with different personalities that don't mirror your own. And when those little humans turn into teenagers and become a whole other species, then it gets even more challenging than marriage ever was.

Parenthood is much harder for me than marriage. I think this is, as Heather said, because of my past experiences. I too have divorced parents and had no illusions about marriage. My Mom bailed early on all of us (4th grade) I think this left me with some serious gaps in my concept of what it meant to be a mother. It does not come naturally to me, and has been a bit of fumbling in the dark, and some serious failings. There is constant doubt there I think because I know that the responsibility, and therefore the fault for those failings rest solely on my shoulders. I cannot hold y daughter responsible for my parental mishaps. Whereas in marriage when you are dealing with two adults, the blame can be shared.

I am generally comfortable in my role as a mother. I have been lucky enough to have children who generally calmed when I cuddled them. I have heard enough screaming children stories to know that it is not me, I just lucked out. There is some comfort in knowing that my adult husband has agreed to stick around even when I show my evil side. When I stop and think about comparing parenting and marriages, I think it comes down to the fact that I am more fearful of parenting because I think it is possible to cause more damage in this role.

Parenting is far more difficult than marriage. I didn't watch your video yet, just read the post. I identify with every word you wrote. I've been married 19 years and have three sons - 11, 9, and 3. All bright boys, but were unbelievably difficult infants and toddlers. NO SLEEP. SCREAMING. OPINIONS. ASD child. One with type 1 diabetes. The third (and last) boy is healthy, but struggles with jerk-syndrome. I adore them all and would lay my life down for them. It hasn't been easy, but like you, time has helped. Natural maturation occurs with the kids, I've learned the ropes. BUT, some women don't have this experience because their babies actually sleep at night, take naps on occasion, are agreeable to wearing clothes and eating food. I've not experienced an infant or toddler like that.

Great post.

The fall-in-love hormones kicked in right away when my daughter was born and, actually, I often felt like my husband was the interloper in our tight little twosome. What's funny (not ha-ha) about that was I was originally afraid of how having a child would interfere with our *perfect* marriage. It was interesting to me how quickly I threw him over for this tiny, blonde infant.

Now, equilibrium has been restored and my husband and I are back on track. The daughter is well-loved by both of us and is often considered the interloper when her father and I are trying to ... have a tickle fight.

Well, since I'm dealing with some intense marital issues right now, I'll say marriage. I've not had a hard time per se with being a parent. I was told for a while that I wouldn't be able to have children, so when I did finally get pregnant, it was a miracle.

I find parenting a wonderful, scary and fantastic thing. I want to make sure he's taken care of and put him first always.

I feel like my marriage is difficult to sustain. My husband lost his mother at 60 years old to cancer last year and he's been different ever since. Just recently, we've been dealing with some serious problems and he's going to be starting therapy this week and me possibly next week. We can't seem to talk to each other without me getting upset. It's hard not to get upset when the one you love tells you they don't like the way you look anymore and they they've lost interest in sex. Sigh...

Wow. I didn't intend on spilling my guts and several times now I've considered not posting this, but damn it...I have to let it out.

I've been married since I was a zygote myself and have yet to spawn, much to my impatient parents' dismay. I am at once terrified and excited to become a mom one day, but I can honestly say that I think it will be a little easier for me because of women like you who have been brave enough to speak up about the realities and hardships of parenting. I really appreciate your blog and I am in awe of your ability to take such serious topics and make them funny, while retaining a level of tenderness. Thanks for letting us future moms know what we can expect - both amazing and difficult.

I'm 21 years into my marriage and we chose not to have children. I honestly believe that is why I am 21 years into my marriage!

For me it depends on what time of day it is. There were times when my marriage was (and even after divorce sometimes still is) the most infinitely frustating thing EVER. But, and this is just my twisted thinking, I always knew that worst case scenario I could walk away from the marriage....Like flushing the goldfish that didn't quite make it.
Motherhood is FOREVER. My girls could not possibly be more different from eachother. I take solice in the days where they surprise me by being these beautifully sensitive kind giving loving creatures, and I am amazed and incredibly proud to be a part of their lives. That of course is before their skin peels back revealing the angry beast underneath who shrieks "I-hate-peanut-butter-how-could-you-not-know-you-don't-love-me".....where was I?

I LOVE today's picture of Chuck!

Ya know....up until last year when my 37 yr old youngest son was arrested and imprisoned for 40 years for molesting our grandaughter....I would have said that marriage was more difficult.

This is said to let everyone who is still in the throes of young motherhood that it just never goes away, it is always with you. Sometimes it is worse to be an "old" mother........

The hardest thing for me right now is there is no one to talk with about this....my husband and other two children and I have talked a lot but trying to find a third party who might be able to give insight is nye on impossible. It is even hard to find a therapist who has any experience with parents of someone who would do this heinous thing to his own daughter.

Absolutely and without a doubt motherhood (parenthood) is harder than marriage. I can always drive out to the desert and leave my husband by the side of the road, but the police (and civil society) seem to frown on that if done to children despite the millionth hour of non-stop whining.

Ilove my husband. He is my best friend and I truly enjoy his company. He is also difficult, pushes my buttons, crazy, loving, seriously flawed, funny, supportive, gentle,sexy and completely frustrating. I love my son. He makes my world make sense. He is perfect, demanding, naughty, funny, selfish, bright and wears me out emotionally and physically on the regular basis. Marriage is SO much harder than motherhood.

OMG - motherhood totally kicks my ass every single day. There is not a day that goes by in my roll as mother that I do not question my aptitude for that title. I love my kids, but being a mother is soooooo much more difficult than being a wife. Yes I sometimes do feel like my husband is child #3, especially when I have to explain why clothes need to go in the hamper, not in a pile next to the hamper, but my relationship with him takes so much less effort than that with my children.

Interesting episode. I think marriage and motherhood are sometimes equally hard but in different ways. There have been times that making a "good" marriage has seemed like slogging through waist deep sand. Though to be honest after 11 years of marriage these days marriage seems easier than parenting. On most days anyway. I completely understand the "no way out" idea. We carry that in our marriage as well. With out an escape clause I think it makes working through things more of a focus. Which in turns means that everyday we are subconsciously juggling the load of being married and making a partnership that works.

Motherhood has been a good fit for me from the moment my first child was born. But that doesn't mean I think it is easy. The constant need to be mindful of our parenting philosophy which differs greatly from that of our own parents has weight. Balancing our desires against the abilities of the child. There is a constant questioning of "do we expect too much" or "not enough"?? As a mother you are always on even when your not. Even if your child isn't there you mind will wander and wonder "are they having fun or learning or coping?" Even if you are out on the town part of you will still be wondering if the kids are asleep yet. For me I can't turn either part wife or mother "off".

Hi Heather,

Long time reader, first time commenter...

I would have to agree with you that motherhood is much more difficult than marriage. I spent the first year or so of my daughter's life (she's 4 now) scared out of my wits. I had no clue what I was doing, and I had this terrible fear that everything I was doing was wrong and that somehow I was going to ruin her for life. Although parenting has gotten much easier over the past few years, there is always something new coming at me. It has gone from, "Oh my gosh, how do I breastfeed?" to "Oh my gosh, what do I do about her back talking? How do I help her adapt to her new school?" It's never-ending and although I love being a mom more than anything, I know that I will always feel a measure of pressure and anxiety when it comes to my daughter.

Not saying marriage is easy, because it isn't always easy. But, my husband is a grown man and I don't have to WORRY about him as much as I do my daughter. He can communicate his needs to be in a way that I can understand and respond to.

Anyway, those are my two cents. Congrats on the pregnancy...I am expecting baby number two in March!

I definitely agree. Parenthood is way harder.

My parents have been married for 25 years and I'm pretty sure they fought through 23 of them. So, I guess I was also jaded to the idea of a "fantasy" relationship. A marriage can be tough work, but...

My husband and I don't even have children yet, and I'm going to agree that it's easier to be married than to be a parent. I'm not really sure I can comprehend the idea that raising this screaming (or complacent) entity is easier than working with another adult mind that (supposedly) *wants* to be with you.

I think I need more explanation on that viewpoint.

yay! I'm failing at both! Whoohoo

After being together for 9 years and married for 5 and being a parent for almost 6 years, I would say that being a parent is more challenging. Sometimes I wish my husband would just dissappear from the face of the planet temporarily and I never wish that about my kids, but overall the parenting is harder because there are so many unknowns. Parenting demands constant adjustment to mostly irrational little humans that can't be reasoned with. At least I pretty much know what to expect from my husband. We are a good team. As a parent I am outside of my comfort zone physically, mentally and emotionally much of the time. The upside of that is that I can feel really good when I do "accomplish"something as a parent like diffusing a sibling war or getting my son to eat a miniscule bite of broccoli without falling apart.

i'm 50, married since i was 21, a mom since i was 22.

marriage was hard at first, and baby was hard at first.

but now, like you said heather, my husband is my rock, and my grown children are my friends. life is amazing.

but in the trenches i know it seems oh so hard. but it's all oh sooooo worth it.

with love,

joy

For me, it's marriage by a smidge. An honest assessment - I was always kind of a doormat, and I know it. I hated always being the "Angel in the House" and never getting my own way, but never had the bollocks to demand my own way, or even simply state my preferences. I was always all - what do YOU need? Allow me to bend over backward providing it for you. So, at age 28, when I married, I was determined to be more proactive with my own happiness, reasoning (correctly, I feel) that a happy me is a happy us. It works thus far, but I have little confidence in my ability to judge whether I am compromising well, too much, or too little. Is letting him select what we have for dinner tonight too doormatty? Was I a bitch when I demanded that he help me fold these clothes right this second, or was that an appropriate request? It makes me anxious, sometimes. With motherhood - well, I think being the oldest of 5 children gave me tons of baby experience, and it just felt natural. The thing about motherhood that's so hard for me definitely isn't knowing what to do - it's finding the energy and patience to do it, again and again. And again. And again.

I'd have to go with Parenthood being easier on this one! However my son is only a year old and I haven't had to deal with friends, homework, teachers, dating and teenagers yet so it may be up for determination!

Since we had kids my marriage has taken a back seat. After 16 years, we've gotten too used to coasting through our relationship. This isn't good, I know, but true. But we're both so independent that I don't think we can force ourselves to be as intimate as "the experts" say we should. That would be excruciating.

Parenting IS hard. And those who say it came naturally are liars. Putting someone else's needs before yourself ALL THE TIME is a huge adjustment. And that's what kids require, especially babies and toddlers.

I raised two children. They are both 17 & 18. While we've had our fair share of troubles as mother and child they did survive. Unfortunately my marriage lasted for less than 1.5 years. I didn't try to live with or carry on any other type of romantic relationship until my children were much older. I knew that I was the type of person who didn't have the energy to be married and raise children. But then again I haven't had the best luck with finding a partner who can BE A PARTNER. This is as much a failure on my part as it is my choice of partners in relationships.

Marriage is rough because you always have the OUT option. Children will never go away!! Oh how I wish they would every now and then.

Depends on which marriage....my first was a disaster, jerk-faced husband....then parenting was easier.
Now on second marriage, and parenting is harder.
Though I will say, generally speaking parenting can be more overwhelming because:
1- you know you can't walk away
2- it really messes with your hormones, and hence your mind
(not to mention your figure)

Parenting is harder.

Our children are grown and for the first time in 22 years, it's just me and my husband. Happy together. Our junior high sense of humor keeps us together. Every night is a slumber party with my best friend.

Parenting took its toll on me. I love both my daughter and my son and what happened to them also impacted me.

My daughter never gave us a bit of trouble. We never grounded her, her grades were perfect (indeed, I referred her to your website when she shared your views about being valedictorian) but her health is not.

A call came her freshman year of college. She was sick with an overwhelming infection, in the hospital. Within minutes I drove night and day through three states to care for her, the mantra in my head repeating Don't die, don't die, please don't die.

She lived. My nerves, barely.

We could have written parenting books explaining our success with child number one. With child #2, we needed parenting books.

I got ready for each upcoming school year by unplugging the answering machine. He had so many behavior problems that my life was spent in conferences, doctor's offices, appointments, the Parent Who Wasn't Quite Good Enough. Each and every time he did something awful enough for me to get THE CALL I felt as though I had failed parenting. I believe the assumption was that if our child acted up as much as he did, well, we must eat Cheetos for dinner in front of a TV in a living room wallpapered with porn. With guns on our laps.

It aged me, drained me, forced me, a teacher by degree, to retreat. Nobody could reconcile that the mother of the star of the school also birthed the class clown.

Who was I as a parent? Was I as good or was I as terrible as the outcome of my two human biology projects?

The gods smiled. Son grew up in his own time and in his own way and defiantly became the normal human being the school psychologist swore he'd never be.

Parenting a difficult child shook my soul like a ragdoll in the mouth of a puppy.

Marriage is LOADS easier...especially if you communicate well. Babies take years to get to know and their personalities are in a constant state of change. I was surprised that one of the other moms said, "I barely knew my husband when we got married and had the baby." Pretty risky, raising a child with someone you barely know....I am very suspect of women who talk about how easy it is to raise children....Are they actually raising children or are they having children as a fashion statement, as in,"Well, I'm married. I guess I should have a baby next."? I like to think, in a perfect world, that people actually take the time and think,"I'm married and I have a great partner and I'd like to raise a child with them." After reading your blog for a while, Heather, you and Jon seem very thoughtful and considerate of how you are raising Leta. You are conscious of the fact that you are growing a person, another individual to add to the mix of society..

another vote for parenthood...after all, how many blogs are there for parenting vs. marriage?

Hmmmm.... I, like you, had a hell of a ride when my daughter was born 12.5 yrs ago. My husband was in residency and gone ALL the time. I had a baby that literally cried from 3:30pm until 4 AM EVERY DAY- EVERY DAY - yes I typed that twice. I could not understand why people had children because - son of a bitch- this sucked. This went on for 6 months 1 week and 3 days...I have it written in my journal. I woke that morning thinking she had died - seriously

I had no support, no friends had had kids yet (I was 28 at the time) and my husband just pretended that we did not exist. I should have checked myself into your mental abode for some help. I never wanted to hurt my child but I was distraught and too proud to complain.

She finally decided that all the crying was getting her nowhere. And she was the perfect sleeper from then on.

This is the kicker...my marriage went totally downhill due to this. I was really pissed at him for not helping, not caring, not anythinging. So after 10 yrs of marriage and the downward spiral (and one more child that was so quiet after her birth I thought there was something very wrong with her) we entered counseling. It saved our marriage but not that base that it was built on...those months of a crying baby and a desperate wife and mother changed eveything about me.

Oh to be able to go back and have a do over! Life is good now, my girls are 12.5 and almost 10 and are wonderful kids. I am happier than I've ever been and am finally finding out who "I" am...and I like me..

So the simple answer for me- to a very hard question is marriage at this point .... I'm not who he married and it drives him crazy, which in turn makes me want to scream at times :-)

I enjoy your blog enormously, and have for a while. I sympathized with you when you miscarried. I've been through MANY.

I've almost completely stopped reading you.

Why?

I'm tired of hearing for almost all bloggers how difficult it is to be a parent. How much harder it is to be a parent then married.

I understand where you've been, my best friend suffered from post-partum after her first child. I spent days at her house cooking, cleaning and taking care of her child while she slept and coped.

When I've miscarried, she's glossed over the conversation and turned it back to her children. I have a hard time speaking to her.

Enough is enough. I can get pregnant...and have been several times. I cannot stay pregnant. My marriage has suffered, we almost split up. Western medicine has offered me nothing but a hysterecotomy. AND, that comes from a fertility clinic...really...there is nothing they can do.

I am so happy you're pregnant again, but where the hell are the blogs for women like me...I don't dwell in self pity (okay...sometimes), but I'm damn tired of all of the moms bitching about their lives. I'd give my right arm, ass cheek, severe disfiguring to be able to experience this.

Which is hardest marraige v. motherhood?

Try infertility...spending Christmas Eve in church (I'm not religious...went for the husband's fam) where they spoke on the importance of creating family and children as they lead in the live nativity scene...complete w/ crying baby Jesus. Trying making it through events (famly and friends) where they look at you with PITY b/c you can't carry. Try having hope, over and over, only to have that stripped away, leaving you a bleeding, sobbing mess.

We've started the adoption process.

All in all...this has to be way more difficult then either...and is far more difficult on the marriage the parenting.

I find that marriage is harder BECAUSE I am a mother. My relationship with my husband is not the same since the birth of my daughter and not because of him but because of me. My daughter is 6 months old and before her birth my husband and I had a wonderful physical relationship. Now I have no desire for him to even give me a hug!! I'm hoping my hormones are still out of whack and I will get back to feeling like myself again but in the mean time I am struggling to fulfill his needs :(

How funny that you posted about this today b/c as soon as I saw the video I wrote my own blog post about it. Thanks!

So I have an 18-month old, and have been married for only 4.5 years.

From my limited experience and my watching of people who have been married for 25+ years who now have grown kids, my assessment is that the first 10 years of marriage is harder than the first 10 years of parenthood, (for most people, not all, obviously)
but then marriage is easier because you're in the groove with each other, but your kids are now teenagers and so they are tougher to deal with.

That's at least our experience.

Being the parent to a toddler is obviously frustrating and mind-boggling at times, but I think I have more patience with her than I do her father.

He and I were together for 3 years before we got married, so we thought we were "prepared." HA! Marriage is a completely different animal.

Throw learning to be parents into that mix, starting careers etc., and you have the perfect mix for, as Alice said, forgetting to tend to your marriage.

We agree that we have no "out," and are committed to sticking it out regardless.

Making that happen on a day to day basic can sometimes be really tough, however.

Biology helps you raise your kid. Therefore also easier than any other relationship.

Being a parent ... for me ... has really come very naturally and easily. My boys are now 15 and 13 and I still pretty much know exactly what to do. It's not always easy...but I know what "it" is. Since I am now divorced...marriage...not so much. I made a lot more mistakes in that deparment!

Marriage has been harder for me, but I think it may be a combo of how I came to be married and my particular set of coping mechanisms (denial, sweet sweet denial).

I can identify with not having the instincts kick in. I hated being pregnant and couldn't wait for it to be over. I don't like babies. As another poster said, I expected to really suck at being a mother (my example was pretty awful). What I remember most about the first year or so was just being numb. Everything I did was out of obligation. But, bit by bit, as I managed to keep him alive and then see him flourish - I realized I kinda knew what I was doing. And now at 12, I truly enjoy the person he's become and I have great deal more confidence in my abilities to figure this thing out. Of course, you may want to check back in with me in 5 years after we have a teenager.

I was not in a committed relationship with my son's father (now my husband) when I got knocked up. While he was at the time - and remains - my best friend, we chose to be parents before we chose to be married. Our commitment to our kid has been unwavering, while our commitment to each other was something we had to grow into.

I'm laughing at the "I don't have kids and I'm not married, BUT" people.

Marriage is way, way, way easier than parenthood. My son is 14 and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I don't relate to or understand kids - I expect them to be logical and screaming is not logical.

My friend has a saying- Kids: Ruin a great relationship. Keep a bad one together.

For me - definitely motherhood is harder. I was a successful,independent woman. I had lived in foreign countries, travelled the world - often by myself, had fantastic career - AND I'd been around babies a lot my whole life.

That crying little baby sure knocked me flat though. I would say first time parenthood is like a smack in the face.

It also put extra strain and drudgery on my relationship with my then boyfriend now husband. But, overall we had a good foundation so four and a half years later we are going stronger than ever. (Although we do still irritate each other regularly)

I also had my second baby 15 months ago and while it definitely kicked the chaos up a gear, it was nothing compared to the first time. In some moments of insanity I wonder if I should have a 3rd because this time was so much easier (even though she is clearly more spirited than her big brother).

But then I think "NO!" Let's raise these kids and get them out so we can just hang out together again. xox

I'm not married, but I've been with my guy for over 6 years, and lived with him for over 2. We don't have kids, but we have 2 cats, one of which we raised from babyhood (and he was/is a terror!).

I'm only 23 and he's 21 (high school love), and I guess I'm lucky because it has been incredibly easy, and I can't wait to have kids (marriage first, though). I'm not scared at all because we're a great team... maybe I'm just young and naive, but everything's been pretty rosy thus far. It has been interesting to read what you all have to say though. So many perspectives!

For me being a wife is SO MUCH harder than being a parent, but I can easily see and understand both sides of this argument.

I felt immediately comfortable as a Mommy, well, once I got over the shock that they were really gonna let me take my baby home from the hospital. They seemed to think I knew what I was doing at least.

I feel like I was just made for parenthood, it comes pretty natural to me. My sons are now 24 and 18 and I can honestly say that there hasn't been an age or stage that flummoxed me.

I can't say that for about marriage or relationships though. I was married 13 years and have been divorced 14 years. I've not been successful in that arena. I've chosen badly and have gradually learned to make wiser choices, and yet, that one special person still eludes me.

At least I have my dog :P

it all sucks!

(but being a mom sucks most.)

a mean mom. }:)

I'm only a wife so far, not yet a mom, so I'm speaking a bit out of turn, but in theory I would think that parenthood would be infinitely more challenging than being married. When you marry someone, they are already a fully developed human being (well, hopefully...), and you are not responsible for their survival, welfare, or even their happiness. You're an equal partner.

When you become a parent (again, I'm speculating here) you're fully responsible for that human being for at least a few years of their life. They literally cannot survive without you. It's more or less constant (even when you have the help of a partner) - forget about the physical demands, which no doubt are numerous - I'm talking about the emotional ones.

At any rate, both of these relationships - marriage and parenthood - are challenging, as you say, and both can be very rewarding. I applaud you for speaking so honestly about motherhood - it's the main reason I read your blog.

I have been trying to get pregnant for a very long time. No success yet, but I haven't lost hope. However, no matter how much I want to be a mom, I'm not so naive to think that it's going to be perfect for the mere fact that I struggled for so long. I think women (and men) have the absolute right to want something very badly and still admit that it's freaking hard sometimes, that it sucks, that your kids can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Just because women fought so hard to be included in the workforce doesn't mean we can't bitch about our jobs. We're human, we're not perfect, and admitting that something is hard is downright normal. And makes people more relatable, too.

I think the most important thing to realize here is that we all deal with things differently; we all have our own personal strenghts and weaknesses, and the best thing we can do is allow ourselves to be normal and imperfect. The best thing we can do for our friends is support them through their struggles and applaud their successes.

I love your blog, and I'm thrilled that you're pregnant. This kid will be so lucky to have a family like yours to welcome it.

Being a mom is hands-down harder. My husband and I had a strong established marriage before our son arrived, and that has made all the difference. And although we have off days, we're extremely committed to each other and put each other first. Before anyone and anything. Being a mom is hard and frustrating. I feel like a failure at it a lot of the time. He's my lovely son, but it is very difficult. I think you make a good point about how it was in the past. Even my mom (who is awesome) when I look back, didn't spend a whole lot of time with my brother and I. Which doesn't bother me, it just makes me realize how hands-on I sort of am (and how REALLY hands-on som moms are).

Both are hard.
On a other note- I like your blog to begin with but dispite that fact that I am married with a kid and you are married with a kid and you are too tall for me- because of this video I am now in love with you. (to be completely honest I'm probably also a little in love with your husband and child) but only in a really creepy internet cyberstalker way. so- no worries.

It's been 3 years of living together/being married. It's easy for me. Parenthood scares the shit out of me, and I'm terrified to even think too hard about having a kid.

I've heard people say "Parenthood is easy, marriage is tough!" and it gave me hope, although I never really bought it. I'm glad I'm in good company with those feelings, although I guess I still have to see.

I have to agree with you that it's easier to be a wife than a mom. I didn't have a horribly awful time with my son, but there were times when he was screaming for hours on end, or refusing to nap, or puking on me for the 14th time in 20 minutes where I was like, someone please take him from me before I explode.

I never have that problem with my husband. Sometimes I tell him to shut up because he's annoying me, and the great thing is that he understands what I'm saying and shuts up. I have yet to teach my son that skill...

I am not a mother but most of the people that I love are. I am however in a relationship & I would have to say I think the relationship would be the less difficult of the two. Society can be harsh on women (or parents) who "admit" confusion or a feeling of inadequacy with regards to their children. It's as though if your parenting instinct doesn't kick in the second they've thrown away the placenta, you must be a bad parent. I think that is one of the biggest difficulties that parents face- I can talk to anyone about a relationship problem & chances are they'll say "been there!" but I have witnessed many parents being made to feel "less than" if they don't have all of the answers. I think it's ridiculous, but it's there.

I'm about to get married for the first time at 55 and acquire three troubled and angry step-children, 10, 12, and 14. I realize now that it's a good thing that I did not have children of my own. I think it's must be much harder than a marriage unless of course, you have a made a bad choice there. Like another commenter, I have worked with kids and enjoy them, but I think having my own would have been too much for me, particularly as infants and toddlers0. I need a lot of "down time" and serene surroundings, and I would have resented a lot of what needs to be done. (That said, I am committed to stepping up to the plate with the stepkids, and am in therapy myself to help me help them.) Second the beauty of your photo of Leta in pigtails, and of *her* beauty!

It definitely depends on the phase. A screaming infant at 4 in the morning who won't stop no matter what you feed him or how often you change him, rock him, bounce him, bathe him, sing to him, burp him, etc. is pretty challenging. The newborn/infant phase can be so exasperating because it is really difficult to know what a non-communicative human being needs. Add a hefty dose of hormones and difficult turns to near impossible.

Then again, there are periods of marriage that are more challenging than others. If one just so happens to hit a bout of postpartum depression around the same time one's spouse loses his job, well, that can be a really unfun time as well.

As my children have grown, and we have grown together, parenthood has gotten a little easier in some ways. We have faced challenging times in our marriage as well. I can't say one is more difficult than the other because on any given day, one can be really simple and rewarding while the other is anything but.

All in all, loving people is not easy. Selflessness is not easy. Family is not easy, but in my life, it is worth it.

I think we can all agree that marriage is hard, but at least with an adult there is the possibility of reason and conversation and working to understand one another. Certainly for the first few months of parenthood, communication with your new blob isn't much of an option, and my 16 month old has yet to offer to pay for mutual therapy. Plenty of books told me the baby was communicating with me through his screams and crying jags, but... I have never experienced anything harder than parenthood in my 39 years. Wonderfully rewarding and all that, yes, but quite an adjustment for a person who had little experience with children or with worrying about much more than her own needs and wants.

Dear: 134. Anonymous

Sorry that you can not get pregnant. If you dont like what Heather is saying, stop reading. It is as simple as that.

Dont berate Heather for sharing her opinion or story. WE the Loyal Dooce readers come here to read her story and hear her opinions.

If you are looking for a blog for women "like you", start one....The interenet is big enough for everyone.

*You will probably never even be back to read this.....

I've been married for almost five years (together nine and a half), and I was going to come in here and say that, though I don't have kids yet, anything in the world must be harder than marriage because ours is the easiest and most comfortable thing in the world. We've been together since freshman year of college (age 27/29 now), and though sometimes I itch a bit at the fact that I never dated around or had any other big relationships, that's me and not him, and I've mostly gotten over that by now. We're talking about trying for kids in a year or so, even though both our careers and our finances are in total turmoil (me: got out of law school in May, pretty sure I don't want to be a lawyer and not working; him: working as a retail manager at a Major National Bookstore Chain which is about to go under any day now, longing to be a writer, any kind; loans: started repayment last month), and we've found that bad things tend to pull us wordlessly and instinctively together, like the time we took care of our cat around the clock for a week while she was at death's door...

But now I see all these other comments and wonder if our effortless marriage could really founder and fall apart on the rocks of parenthood. Little things like him wanting everything to be OK all the time and ignoring bad stuff or bending over backwards to avoid it might turn into big things, I guess. I still can't imagine those problems trumping the constant crisis of keeping a baby alive and raising a functional and good human being, but now you guys have got me scared.

Well, as a guy I cannot offer an answer to the question in general.

I do surmise, however, that other moms may feel that even though kids are willfull and a handful 23/6 (they're angels one hour on one day a week) that husbands are also willfull, and as adults can fight back better, and differently.

As a parent at least theoretically you are supposed to have the upper hand with a child (rarely works that way), so perhaps other moms feel they can at least control their kids better than they can 'control' their husbands?

I dunno, just a guess. I think your reasons for your answer are sensible and certainly there is no right or wrong answer.

Not married or with children, but wanted to jump in quick to say I'd love it if the Momversation videos were longer. I bet others would agree.

Being a Mom hands down is harder. Marriage BECOMES harder (in my experience) after having a child but here's my theory.
People by nature are selfish. For single people it's easier to not necessarily see this. Once you get married there's a layer of selfishness that is revealed. Sometimes it's not that big a deal, sometimes it is. But with KIDS...it's like the utmost core of your despicable selfishness is revealed and in my case I wanted to kick and scream and cry and say, "No! I LIKE being selfish. I LIKE sleeping in 'til whenever I want to and eating and drinking what I want and spending money on ME." So...pretty much I'm selfish and motherhood took at least the first 1/2 year to settle more into. I LOVE being a Mom but it's harder than being a wife.

As I was listening to this Momversation, my seven year old asked me about the video. I told her the question. She immediately answered, "Being a mother. You have to be our maid, keep us clean, tell us how to be a person, and do our laundry. Definitely being a mother."

I concur with her. My answer doesn't mean that marriage is easy, just that being a parent is more difficult for me. I have three, and the only thing that got easier with each one was that I knew what to expect from the baby. By the time each hit 6 months of age, they became different beings needing something and requiring a different parenting tactic than the others needed.

I know the issues my husband and I might face. I never know what my kids are going to bring me. I love them, but man, they can be challenging.

I'm only 6 months into it, but marriage is definitely easier.

Marriage is harder for me, period. I had severe post partum depression but I was able to, even at the time I was submerged in it, blame it on my wacked out hormones. Also, I had already lived through one suicide attempt, so I knew motherhood wasn't the problem, my brain chemistry was. On the other hand, marriage is and will always be a struggle for me. I love my husband, but I just don't like having to share anything, and sometimes I really don't want to have another conversation about the same thing. When he was laid off from work I thought we would kill each other, really.

I am married and have a step-daughter who is 10, but no kids of my own. I have never wanted my own kids and quite frankly I have not one maternal bone in my body (unless it's for a creature with fur, as I have 3 cats and a dog I am "mommy" to). I think having kids is much harder than being married. We pick our husband/wife/whatever because we like something about them. When you have kids, though they come from you and are part of you, you don't pick their personalities so who knows what you will wind up with! Someone said above that marriages frequently end in divorce, but we never hear about people divorcing their kids and to her, that spoke volumes. Well to me that just means that it's MUCH easier to get a divorce from hubbie/wife than dump your children at a foster home, so really that doesn't mean anything.'

By the way I love your writing, love your photographs and aspire to be like you someday, you ROCK DOOCE!

I think that it all depends on who you are trying to be married to or parent. My husband is a gem. Marriage has been pretty easy. My first three kids are pretty easy going. And parenting them has been fairly easy as well. But my fourth child is much more demanding. She has turned my world upside down and it has been difficult. Yes, marriage may not be so easy for her future husband either. But she is still very young, a lot can change. Anyway, I say it all depends on who we are dealing with in these relationships.

Hands down being a wife is easier than being a mother. A wife entails being supportive and loving your husband. Being a mother means your world is constantly changing and you have to adapt and learn on the spot. Do something wrong, and you feel like you have ruined a person's life. And not just any person, but the most important person in the world to you. And our society puts much more pressure on you as a mother than as a wife.

When taken separately, I believe marriage to be far harder than parenting. I have a far greater instinct to mother than to "spouse" and my husband certainly doesn't need another mother. To a greater extent, however, I think that parenting takes a huge toll on a marriage and can make it even more difficult. There are many days when I see my husband as a father, an employee, a gym rat and he sees me as a mother, an assistant etc. Although there is partnership in those roles, the role of husband and wife can be lost in the shuffle...until he notices my nice rack.

This is a very good question..one that I will get to experience in about 8 months when my baby is born. I think that i should wait to answer that question. From my perspective, both marriage and motherhood are challenging but it's the kind of challenging that is the most rewarding in the end. Especially when you have a great partner who is your friend and lover and who you know will be a great dad! I know that I am in for a major ride in 2009 but I am up to the challenge and thanks to you gals at momversation, I am learning some stuff that will help me along the way!

Love your top by the way.

I definitely agree that marriage is easier than motherhood. You can at least reason with a husband... kinda. A baby, there is just no reasoning with them!

I found motherhood much easier than marriage, but then I was lucky enough to have good kid through all the stages. My ex-husband and I had a harder time. I'm remarried now and this marriage is much better than the first but I bet if we had a kid I'd say motherhood is harder. So I guess my answer is, it just depends.

I guess I do have something to add, after all. I think a better question than, "What's harder?" is "How do you balance the two roles?" Both are difficult, or more difficult, depending on the day, year, moment, whatever.

I grew up with parents who never showed joy or affection in their marriage. My siblings and I never went without a thing that we needed. We were given affection and I love you's. But never once in my conscious memory did my parents give those things to each other.

As parents, they provided more than enough. But their cold marriage (they're still together now, 31 years) has deeply affected both my relationship with each of them, and my relationships with others. I truly believe one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is a loving marriage. Not a perfect marriage, not without struggles, but openly loving. Being good parents is not necessarily enough. The balance is so important.

It's so funny you bring up this topic, because I told myself last night I need to make an appointment with my therapist, because I'm not doing so well in this whole marriage thing.

It's not that I don't love my husband. I do love him! We've only been married 7 months (tomorrow, on the 7th...how cute!) and I can't imagine life without him. But I suckage on the communication. I *need* to tell him, _blank_ isn't working for me. But I can't. I choke on the words and tell him nothing's wrong.

I agree with one of the mom's who said they didn't get a good example of a healthy marriage. I didn't either, and that's probably why I'm so confused. Or maybe not confused, but pretty hesitant about expressing my feelings, despite the fact that my husband makes me feel safe to express my feelings. I just. can't. do it.

Motherhood?? For the most part, I feel like parenting comes fairly naturally to me. I know, I know, it's not the same when I'm watching someone else's kids, but I have a sense of what to expect from kids, how to talk to them, etc. On the other hand, I worry that my frustrations at my dogs (my current chilluns) is a taste of what's to come when I do have kids.

Anyway, I think I should make that appointment with my therapist stat.

I'm the complete opposite.

When marriage made me consider checking out of life, it was parenting that changed my mind.

Parenting is hard and not anything I was prepared for - but the love is so unconditional and easy compared to loving someone else who has to love you and trying to get that all right and met somewhere in the middle.

Much, much harder.

It's hard to decide which shoved me closer to the edge as I did them at the same time; trying to be a first time mother with severe post-partum depression or trying to make a marriage work with a Marine who was deployed a lot.

You know what, I sucked equally at both. Or maybe both were just really difficult.

Lots of therapy (individual, couple), even more meds (me) and someone (no names) growing out of their colic made things much more workable.

Thanks to tremendous luck, parenthood has never been that difficult again (my kid is 16, so I'm knocking wood) and, in fact, I've been pleasantly suprised to find out how well suited I am to parenting a teenager. My nearly 20 year marriage has had some serious rough patches over the years but, overall, it's good.

I'm going to fail to follow the rules and elect dealing with myself (depression, anxiety) most trying. Marriage comes next, then motherhood.

Parenthood was so much harder than marriage. At least my husband spoke the same language as me.

The squalling, premature newborn that I finally got to bring home refused to communicate in anything other than a 400 decibel scream. Nothing I did would make that baby stop crying. By the end of the day, we were both sobbing. I was the one on the left, contemplating suicide.

It did not help that I had a whopping bad case of postpartum depression that went undiagnosed by the variety of free clinic doctors that I saw since I had no insurance at the time. I finally started to feel better when my son turned three. It was looking back at that murky, gray, scary place that I had lived in for so long versus the sunshine I was in now to make me realize what at least part of the problem was.

As it turns out, though, parenthood lasts a lot longer than marriage. The husband left, but the son stayed. He's 19 now. Both of us are healthy and happy - finally.

So I adore you and I love Momversations, but the latter kind of scares the living shit out of me. I've always wanted to be a mom, and my husband and I are trying for our first kid now. I never had doubts, but watching Momversations has brought to light things I NEVER CONSIDERED (like sex/lack thereof after baby, baby weight, etc). Having read many of the comments here, I'm even more afraid now. Marriage hasn't been hard, but hearing about how MUCH HARDER parenting is... yikes x2. I just keep telling myself that I don't have the benefit yet of having the happy baby moments that make it all worth the trouble, that you can't really ever be prepared for having a kid, etc etc...

So while I still really want to have children, I'm now marginally terrified. Maybe that's not entirely bad. I mean, I guess I had to find out sometime. Even with all this newfound apprehension, I have to say THANK YOU (and Momversations) for being so honest about situations I'll inevitably face. I'm sure I'll have my share of moments, but at least I won't feel totally alone.

Lotsa love to the little bun in your oven (you look fabulous, by the way).

Of course I have to say the obligatory (and true) "Being a parent is wonderful."

That said, marriage is easier. At least for me. When I got married, I remained the same person. When I had a child, I became other person entirely. Not a bad thing per se, just different.

I think that they're both hard - I am assuming since I am still awaiting the birth of my first child (I am a day past my due date!) but I am on my second marriage. I think it can depend on the the person you're married to - my first husband was I think mentally ill and needed serious psychiatric help, but left me instead so I guess I was lucky in that sense! My second husband has had a similar childhood as mine our temperments are much better suited to each other and so when we disagree we can do it constructively without it getting nasty, we can negotiate with each other and come to compromises that we're both happy with without feeling like one of us is getting the short end of the stick, but our priorities are the same too. Also he is an intelligent adult that can TALK! So I really don't know. I chose my husband but I can't go and pick out the type of personality I want my baby to have so we'll see.

Oh, by far, motherhood is more difficult than marriage (though technically we're not married because I don't believe in marriage, though we've been together for 11 years and plan to be together until one of us is dead. Does that disqualify me from answering?) I was also the oldest of 4 and was a nanny so I've spent a good amount of time taking care of others, so I felt pretty knowledgeable about raising kids. But, with my man it just isn't so much damn work. I don't have to take care of him or argue with him to get him to do things. Let me just put it this way, the idea of a week without the kids sounds relaxing while a week without my man sounds like more work than I'm willing to do, because he's actually a helpful guy.

Two other facts that might disqualify my opinion... I homeschool our youngest, so I spend most of my time with her. I have 3 stepkids. I went from being single to having 4 kids within 11 months (knocked up 2 months into the relationship).

I clearly think that marriage is easier than motherhood as I made a very conscience decision to NOT have children. And that was when I was a single gal. Now I am a married gal and we ,as a couple, decided to not have children. But don't get me wrong. Being married is not always peaches and cream and I love you's. It's work. But I could not wrap my head around the work and responsibility of motherhood. I have great respect to those of you who have wrapped your head around being moms.

I feel like I am a good mother, but could, however, be a STELLAR mother if I wasn't married. Being married is by far a hundred times harder for me than being a mother. Maybe because my husband is a 45 year old child that was raised in a way that was completely different than I. Maybe it's because we had a baby first and waited to get married. Maybe it's because we want different things. Or maybe it's because he is a selfish, self-centered, egotistical, lazy, unloving man that I put up with because my daughter is 4 and loves him to death...because he buys her things to (in his words) 'shut her up'. Then he takes a nap while she and I go on about our lives. My parents have been married for almost 40 years and I have the best Dad ever. I think that's why I've stayed, because I believe that my daughter deserves a great dad as well. Sadly, I know in my heart that the best dad ever will someday (hopefully) be someone who isn't her biological father. I wish I was strong enough now to get out, however, being a mother is something I would do 100 times over without hesitation.

I agree with you Heather. Motherhood is way way harder. At least I can reason logically with my husband or expect some level or understanding, empathy and give and take. Being a mother it is all give give give and then rip your heart out your chest and it still can, sometimes, not be enough. Children are tyrants.

Also, my husband is mostly responsible for himself. I don't have to worry about cutting up his grapes or not providing him with enough stimulation.

Plus, motherhood includes pregnancy. Pregnancy! Enough said, right there.

Hands down, without a doubt, no question about it -- motherhood is infinitely more difficult than marriage.

I did not suffer PPD when I got married, which pretty much sums up the contrast between the two experiences. My husband did not cause me to suffer monstrous hormonal shifts that rendered me functionally insane for nine months and beyond. Well, maybe he did indirectly, since he was the (ahem) contributing factor to my being pregnant in the first place. But I digress.

Dealing with a (mostly) rational adult is worlds apart from trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with an eight-year-old's line of reasoning on a daily basis. I thought marriage was hard until I had a baby.

On the difficulty scale, motherhood wins this one.

I agree with you. Parenthood is definitely more difficult than marriage. Our marriage hasn't been easy by any means, but parenting is hard almost every single day. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but it's definitely a challenge that stretches me beyond what I thought I am able to be stretched.

Parenthood is harder. No question. It is funny because I think I agree with pretty much everything you said Heather, only for different reasons. I babysat small kids form the time I was 11. Everyone always commented how great I was with kids and what a great mom I would be. Then I had a baby. And the most common thought in my mind was WTF have I done. Sure I loved this little thing more than anything, but really, I had not signed up for this. It was hard and crazy ans it was constantly changing and knocking me back on my ass.My husband is my best friend. I can tell him anything. My parents have both been divorced, but they are still married to each other and were great marriage examples.....I have also been divorced, so I had no illusions of a white horse. If anything, I am just glad I have my best friend to help me through this crazy hard parenting thing. Really, I am not sure we would all make it out of this in one piece without him! :)

Oh and BTW I was out to dinner with some childhood friends and my friend Bobbi mentioned that her husbands aunt blogged for a living and I said "Like Dooce" and she laughed and said EXACTLY like Dooce. She is Dooce! I had never put the Armstrong in Heather Armstrong with the Armstrongs in Bountiful. Crazy small world....or Utah I suppose. I told I thought we were long lost best friends and she said that you were so sweet in person.....LOL I guess I am too surly and sarcastic to be your friend IRL!

i think that marriage is harder. for me anyway. i think it got harder after having my son. i guess i just fell into the mother role quite easily and that became more important than wife somehow. also like some people said here, my husband is like a child so i feel like i have two of them!!

Sometimes marriage is hard, but after 28 years of marriage I certainly couldn't go through parenthood without him.

"150. Natalie Green said:
My friend has a saying- Kids: Ruin a great relationship. Keep a bad one together."

I don't know if it is true, but I like that saying!

BF and I have been together for 5 years, and we're both the product of marriages that wouldn't have stood a chance (IMO) if our respective parents hadn't had children to keep them together.

Our relationship is hard work but it's also very rewarding because we make each other grow up every day. When people ask me if I want kids in the future, I'm often tempted to joke "I don't, I already have one". More seriously, I can't associate the idea of parenthood with anything that would be positive for me, I need my quiet and independence too much, so I'm taking the childfree road instead of giving in to social pressure and maybe making a kid or myself miserable. Kids deserve the best from their parents. But before that, every person deserves to make the best choice for themselves.

Well, I think the reason your answer varied from the other two ladies is because marriages vary and babies vary. Some babies are very easy going and some marriages are very easy to sustain, due to whatever. It makes perfect sense to me that two women could say two different answers. My sister has a baby that was honestly born happy. I think she would say motherhood is easier than marriage. Whereas my husband is so easy to get along with, and I've known him for so long, that our marriage is definitely easier!

Coming from a "broken home", I've always had the feeling that marriage isn't permanent. Which can make it awkward for my husband, who seems to have no such fears (his parents have been together for 31 years). My husband is a rock. He supports everything I do. He coached me (i.e., talked me down) through the completion of my PhD. He likes (!) to do the dishes. He buys me flowers. He loves my cooking. No, marriage isn't easy, but I feel very lucky to have my guy. And I can't wait to have kids, although I know it will be hard... Actually, KIDS are fine. It's babies that scare me. They're so floppy.

Well, well! Let me start by saying I LOVE this website...just recently found it. What I find so inspiring is your honesty, and I love that you talk openly about PPD- something I have struggled immensely with. I never have found someone that has approached the subject the way you have, and i never have found someone that could understand it the way you do , so thank you.
Now, onto your current subject: motherhood vs. marriage:
obviously, such as in your situation, it seems a no-brainer for me to say motherhood was WAY MORE CHALLENGING, but notice the "was". If you have had major PPD you know that motherhood feels like the hardest thing EVER! But then after treatment and some time, motherhood is not what it once was and now marriage has been harder for me. In the beginning marriage seemed like a respite from the challenges of motherhood, but now it's turning the other way. Why? I don't know. But I do know that motherhood has changed my marriage, and not for the better. Wondering why it always has to be something... Do they have medication for that? If, so, I'd love some!
happy new year! xox

I'm only 2 and a half weeks into this parenthood thing, but I can already answer this one: Marriage was definitely an easier adjustment for me... actually it wasn't much of an adjustment at all. Thankfully our relationship has been pretty drama-free on the whole.

On the other hand, our new baby girl is all about drama. I have 10 more weeks of maternity leave, but I'm already wishing I could go back to work and let dad stay home with her. I love her so much, but I'm also asking myself "What the hell have we gotten ourselves into? And how badly am I going to fuck her up in the process of learning how to be a parent?"

It seems like there is a lot more riding on my mistakes now. It's scary.

Parenting is much harder that marriage for me. My husband truly is my best friend. We don't agree on everything, but can listen to each other's opinions respectfully and find a solution to most problems. We have two children whom we love with all our hearts, but continually drive us crazy. Parenting takes SO much more patience than being married.

While I have not had any children, I have been married now for 9 years and I think it can be difficult at times. However, I am in a slightly different position than the majority. My husband is in the Army and is gone more than he is home. That puts another kink in the chain. Some of the time we can't deal with all our problems right away because he is not here. At one point in year 2 we came really close to divorce because we were having so many issues and had not figured out how to work them out. After seeing a therapist for a while we were able to communicate better. We still have our issues, we still argue about things and get fed up with each other occasionally. Being married is not an easy job.

Parenting so far (1-year-old) is more demanding physically and physiologically, but marriage is more demanding emotionally and psychologically.

It takes time and energy to chase my son around, make sure he is fed, clean, rested, happy, warm, and healthy, but there isn't much mental stress associated with it -- the answers so far are pretty easy (feed, change, bathe, put down, etc.). I'm sure as he grows it'll get more complex and mind-games will start entering into the picture.

Marriage, on the other hand, has almost none of the requirements of parenting but involves tons of emotions, psychology, and mental strain. There are many days I simply DO NOT KNOW what to do with the situation at hand and I have to wreak my brains over it until I figure something out. My kid never says one thing but means another, or presents some incredibly unfathomably hard for us to ponder and work out. Marriage does all of these and more. I can always pick up my boy and tickle him and the both of us will have fun, but I cannot do that with my wife unless I want to be strung up.

Parenting is like the job at the grocery store as the stock clerk -- the work is physically hard, you're always at it, and it takes a lot of energy, but it's not mentally taxing. Marriage is like the white collar job where you spend the day behind a desk, but you're working your ass off because it's a mental war.

It is fascinating to read the different perspectives here. I have found that marriage and parenthood have both challenged and revealed different parts of me to myself. My girls are teenagers now. As they have grown, I have grown. Our relationship continues to evolve and the ground is always moving. I have come to embrace this change as a enriching friend and teacher.
As for marriage, my husband and I just celebrated 25 years of marriage - we looked across at each other over dinner, stunned. Most days we joke about whether we'll make it another year (or at times, another day :) I think marriage is harder only because being in the relationship is a choice, whereas for me being a parent is built-in, a sacred default setting.

Heather - I'm TOTALLY WITH YOU on this one. I am mother to two chilren, one a 3 year old boy who, on many days, seems possessed by the devil. Many days are filled with screaming matches over such things as not kicking his sister. On the other hand, I am married to a kind, considerate, mild-mannered man whom I am endlessly thankful to have had the good fortune to marry. Thanks for the conversation!

Parenthood by far is the hardest. My husband is fundamentally the person he will always be. The kids are another story. We am responsible for shaping their lives. I am constantly second guessing my decisions. It is so hard what little thing I do as a person is going to forever impact my children in a negative (or positive) way.

I was married at 19, a mother at 20 and again at 21 (curse you vodka tonics and faulty birth control), and our girls are 11 and 13.

While both experiences have offered considerable challenges, my marriage is what I have relied on to see me through the difficulties of motherhood. As our children grow older, the challenges are different but still demanding, and my husband is my partner in crime. He and I grow closer together as we watch our little girls grow into adolescents. What was tricky for us as parents forced us to grow together as a stronger couple. Or, maybe it's just Stockholm syndrome.

Hmmm.

Well...I would say that twelve years ago, before our first child died four days after he was born, I would say that parenting was way easier to do than marriage. When Rhys was born, I felt this incredible sense of...knowing exactly what to do. I knew this little person, I felt incredibly competent.

When he died, that of course got thrown into the wind briefly, but through that first year of unending pain and grief, I had flashes of that feeling to go along with the pain.

After Rhys died, Jim and I had to deal with, and immideatly, before we could really hurt each other...the fact that we grieved very differently. And we both had to accept the other person's grief and recognize it as valid. Our doctor was able to get us into therapy almost at once, and got our insurance to pay for it...because you know insurance doesn't like to pay for marriage counseling. I remember hearing...this particular doctor had been my family's doctor since I was about twelve. She was so awesome, I made Jim switch to her when we got married (before even) and she was the one to confirm my pregnancy, though she referred me to an OB/GYN to handle the pregnancy. She was at the hospital checking Rhys out right after he was born, he was robust and healthy, and no one knew anything was wrong, not even our wonderful doctor. Anyway, Rhys died early in the morning of his fourth day of life of heart failure due to a fatal heart defect...and I was told that the doctor's office was just silent...that whole day because of it. That stays with me.

So after that, we had to deal with each other, and each other's pain...and my obsession with getting pregnant again and a miscarriage and...it wasn't pretty. It got much harder again in 2003, when my previously in remission disease flared up badly and I developed a complication that made me for the first time in my life, actively suicidal. When Rhys died, I had thoughts of just stopping the car and getting out and laying down in the middle of the road and just...stopping being. When this...complication (you don't wanna know, really) happened I was faced for the first time with the desire to end my own life.

And my husband...remains blissfully ignorant about these things. Because that is the way he is. He does not believe in therapy, he is impossible to talk to, because he thinks he knows everything, and five years after my diagnosis he STILL couldn't get the name of my disease right. His ability to block what is right in front of him rivals anything I have ever seen. I thought *I* was good...

Since then, my complication has been repaired, but I remain chronically ill, and chronically mentally ill and our situation doesn't help matters. He is out of work, and depressed and won't admit it or get help for it. Having him around with that kind of energy stresses ME the fuck out too, not to mention our financial crisis and medical situations. I don't want to kill myself anymore, I want to kill HIM.

And I still have very real issues from that complication. I do not like to be touched, unless it is completely under my control. At all. And alot of times I just don't want him to touch me at all...which really wasn't that hard, because he isn't a spontaneously touchy huggy person to begin with. But I used to be. His refusal to deal with the situation as it affected ME makes problems when I try to explain this to him. And when he says, "But that never mattered to me.(the complication...gross complication)" and he doesn't really understand when I try to tell him that it isn't about him. It has nothing to do with him or his reaction to it. Because it isn't about him, he doesn't and won't get it.

Compared to all that? Parenting my now eight year old and homeschooling her is a breeze. I breastfed her for three and a half years because I am lazy, and it was the best parenting trick I had in my bag. If I hadn't of gotten sick with my disease when she was 3 1/2, I bet she would have nursed until she was five. And I would have let her because ...mei-mei's fixed EVERYTHING.

I'm not always the best parent...being in chronic pain makes me short tempered sometimes and I yell more than I should at her for reasons I shouldn't, I've been known to spank once or twice, and a few times she has spent all day in bed because she had a complete meltdown in the beginning of the day, and I just refuse to deal with it. And sometimes I make her turn off the TV, just because I can.

But Ripley is so much easier to deal with than my husband...she has no problem telling me what's wrong so we can fix it. I'm not a perfect parent or a perfect spouse...and I think that Jim is lucky to have me, and I'm lucky to have him...because when we're good together, we're very very good...but when we're not...my god we're horrible.

So for me, marriage is harder. Especially when one partner grows and changes and the other partner doesn't particularly like some of those changes. Tough shit. Deal. With everything that I've personally been through in the past twelve years, I feel like I finally am learning to know myself, and own myself...the good parts and the bad.

I think he doesn't like that because he can't do that, and it threatens him. Oh well. We've been through hell and back together...I'll probably keep him around...but even though parenting is easier I probably put...no I definitely put more effort into being a good parent than into being a good partner.

Mostly because he just pisses me off some days by breathing.

:)

With the right partner, marriage is a breeze compared to parenthood. With the wrong partner, marriage is hell compared to parenthood. I know this because I had one of each, a good partner and a bad. Luckily, I'm still with the good partner.
By the way, Heather. Raw almonds work wonders for heartburn during pregnancy. Nice and natural, too.

Definitely marriage over motherhood in difficulty. While the marriage and motherhood pretty much happened simultaneously, mothering came easy, naturally even coming form a family of eight, and indisputably came first in priority. I've had to work on the balance. I'd give my right lung for my children, but I'd make my husband work for it.

Regards,
Scout's Honor
http://unitedstatesofmotherhood.com

I have been married for a little over 7 months, with no kids. After reading your entry and some of the comments, I'm now down on hands and knees praying (and I'm not a religous person) that marriage is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do! We're thinking of starting a family in the future, and if raising a baby is harder than this thing called marriage, I'm in BIG trouble!

But I'm glad to hear others have had it hard in the marriage department and are sticking it out and making it work. It gives hope to people like me!

Although does raising a puppy count as a kid? :) j/k! If so, I'll stop freaking out.

I guess with having 2 (young) children and being married (happily) for 8 years, I have come to view them almost one in the same. If something is overly challenging in the parent department, it overflows into the 'happily married' one and vice versa. I view the man I married as both a husband and father and while I can compartmentalize them based on the situation, they are no longer seperate. When we were married without children, sure.. it was easy at times and hard at times. When we became married with children, it is still easy at times and hard at times. Why do we have to mourn the loss of the 'easiness' of being only married... when we gain so much as parents. I can view my husband as the man I love and want to be married to without deleting my children out of the situation. Both are easy and hard.. but for different reasons. When we work as a team, it isn't seperated into catergories as 'spouse' or 'coparent', it is as a family and that was the choice we made. I don't look back... there are pros and cons with your spouse and your children in every single day, the only challenge you face is how you will deal with them.

I think it depends. Really I do. There are times when it is smooth sailing with my kids and my husband I are at odds a bit. And then there are times when it's just the opposite. Overall though... marriage is easier for me because my husband is usually a relaxed guy and my best friend. And I didn't realize how hard babies would be. It sounds so naive now. However now that my kids are 4 and 7 it has gotten much easier. There are days when it is not the case, but most of the time it's a well-oiled machine around here. And I have learned to not beat myself up when it's not. I think in 20 years I will think that marriage was infinitely easier, because by then I will have dealt with 2 teenage girls and hopefully survived.

Parenthood has brought me to my knees, has left me shaken and unsure of if I could do it, if I SHOULD be allowed to do it, if I was worthy. Parenthood has made me take responsibility for my actions, my life, and the life of two other people in a way that marriage never has. In marriage, I've always had the out of, "Fuck you. I'm not budging on this, so you change on this one, or fuck off." In parenthood, especially with an infant, I remember looking at that screaming little face and thinking, "Oh shit. I HAVE to make this work. I HAVE to make this better. I HAVE to change." And as frightening as it was to be confronted with that realization, I have to say that is actually what makes parenting easier than marriage for me. The simple fact that THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION. I grew up with divorced parents, and almost everyone I knew growing up was from a divorced family. My friends today are mostly the products of divorced parents. My marriage is a good one, but the idea that it might end is always in the back of my mind simply because my experience throughout my life is that MARRIAGES END. That idea is harder to deal with than all the crap I deal with from my kids. I hope it never happens; I hope we're together forever. But the fact is that if we ARE together forever, I will die with a surprised and slightly confused expression on my face.

This is a very cool question. I am married (only three months now) and don't have kids.

I'm going to guess that marriage for me is easier because I didn't get married until I was 38. I know myself, he knows himself, we have great communication.

A kid, well, who can converse with a baby? And the 24/7 neediness? The lack of control concerning the world's influence and yet the total responsibility of their well being?

I don't know if I can handle that.

Hands down, no contest, marriage has been easier than parenthood. We've been together nearly 8 years, married nearly 7 of those, and marriage has been a breeze. Life has thrown us more than our fair share of curves, particularly with my husband having been in the Navy (submarine deployments, overseas moves, a deployment to Kabul, having emergency surgery while he was out at sea and I couldn't even notify him, clinical depression, PTSD, a daughter with almost crippling ADHD that got her suspended from school 7 times in the 2nd grade, unemployment, and so much more), but we have stayed happy through it all. Having my husband in my life is what made all of the above bearable.

I've often told people that being married is the most fun I've ever had, and while many have scoffed at that, it's completely true. LIFE has been hard at times, but our marriage hasn't, and I am thankful beyond words that I am married to such a wonderful man. He is my best friend, and I love him to pieces.

Parenthood, on the other hand, has not come so easily. I was a single mother to a nearly-3 year old when my husband and I met. Being a single parent, working full-time and barely scraping by was incredibly difficult. We had our second child a year after we were married, and while she was the angel girl who never gave us a moment's trouble, our older daughter more than made up for it with bad behavior. There were times I seriously considered trying to put her in foster care because I simply did not know what to do with her. Every day was a battle, complete with hours-long tantrums, that I had no idea how to overcome. I cried most days. A lot.

Things are better now, immeasurably so (thank God for Concerta!), but to say marriage has been easier than parenthood is a huge understatement. I adore my children, but there are times I can't wait to get a break from them. I've never felt that way about my husband.

I'm a 3-time loser in the marriage department. It is not difficult. It is IMPOSSIBLE!

Motherhood, on the otherhand, was/is the joy of my life. Warts and all.

I've been in A LOT of relationships, and by "relationships" I don't just mean one night stands and drunken flings. Ok, maybe I do mean "drunken flings", but only the ones that lasted for more than a month. Anyway, my point is, I can't quite seem to stay in one. A relationship, I mean. And it's not for a lack of trying. Maybe I just don't have what it takes. Or maybe I've just never met someone that makes me go, "I wanna do this. With you. Forever."

I'm also about 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. I realize that I haven't made any real dent in the Sanskrit that is Motherhood, but I feel like I have a good grip on what it'll take to decipher even the hardest passages. It just seems so natural to me, so "Well, duh!"

I don't know if I'll still feel like I'm ahead of the curve once I meet my baby in the flesh, but right now I feel that becoming a mom comes more naturally than becoming someone's significant other.

I have been married for just over a year but have been a stepmom, for all intents and purposes, for six years. I can't say that I have my own kids yet, but I still consider myself a mom. I can't really say which one is "harder", because they are two totally different experiences. Marriage has been very good to me thus far, although I actually checked out mentally only two weeks into marriage (wasn't because of the marriage, per say - had an issue with my anxiety medication and then bundle that with the stress of a wedding - and that equals nervous breakdown). I wasn't admitted to a mental hospital but it was close. Luckily, that brought my husband and me even closer as he was definitely my rock. Since then, we've seen our share of tough times, but somehow we always breeze through it somehow with humor and grace. I find myself wanting to scream sometimes, but somehow we figure things out. As far as the kiddo goes, he has been terrific for me, showing me what unconditional love is while simultaneously making me shake my head. I think the tough part about parenting is learning about yourself as much as you are teaching your child. Both marriage and parenting are such all-consuming activities that it is hard to quantify which is harder. All I know is - I love both!

Thanks Heather for always being honest and forthright. I, too, am trying to get pregnant and am on anti-depression/anxiety medication. I appreciate your honesty and candor about your own pregnancy!

Oh, I totally agree with you. I have a 21 month old son and I have found parenthood to be the biggest challenge of my life. The biggest joy, too, but it is HARD! My marriage has had its ups and downs, but I do not find it to be an everyday challenge like I do with being a mother.

I'm not ignoring you, Heather, but I just want to tell Sus, #94, that my heart goes out to you and your family during this hellish nightmare.

Not a mom, never will be. Marriage is difficult, at times, but I have to say ... being an adult is most difficult.

I initially had trouble with becoming a parent, but only because I was totally clueless - had no instincts whatsoever - thankfully they kicked in quickly and while difficult, I would have to say that marriage is more difficult. While I love my husband more than ever, I feel that it is very hard to come together and feel like we're on the same page. His childhood was much less stable than mine and I often feel that he just doesn't know what to do about parenting questions (not his fault), so discipline, etc., is left up to me...Its the communication that suffers around here with all the chaos of parenting - he's not one to lay out feelings anyway, so it's more comfortable for him to not talk about anything, parenting or otherwise. I've come to realize that its very possible to feel completely alone in a house full of people...however, he's an absolutely amazing father and I feel incredibly lucky that my children have him in their life...such is the ying/yang of life, right? I sound like such a whiner - of course, all of the above may change as my son is entering his teenage years, so whatever....I do enjoy hearing about the way you and Jon interact - you both work hard at making it look easy at least...

This has been the most interesting Momversation I've seen so far. In fact, I wish it were longer. What an interesting subject.

I currently live with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and I feel as though we have a very healthy relationship. We've run into obstacles but we've always been able to hash it out, talk and talk and talk and cry until we've figured it out. When this has happened, we both feel closer and more in love (and more vulnerable) than we did before. But sometimes I wonder how much harder it will be if we eventually decide to become parents. I'd like to believe that we would still take the time to nurture our relationship but I understand that having children must put a hell of a lot of strain on two people.

That said, I tend to think it would be harder for me to raise a child than to be a good partner. I'm a preschool teacher and I feel like I would have strong instincts about how to be a good mother. But at the end of the day, I get to go home. I can read in silence. I can go to bed or stay up as late as I want. Really, it's disgusting how much I value my space. Could I handle someone depending on my FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? Wow. That's an overwhelming thought.

My answer might change daily, but I've been married for over five years and we have a 3 1/2 year old. My experience is that parenthood actually made my marriage more difficult.

Being a new mom was such a kick in the ass, and I don't think either of us adjusted real well. When you're under that kind of stress and also delusional on how parenthood will go, it brings out the worst in people (READ: I COMPLETELY RESENTED MY HUSBAND THE FIRST YEAR OF MY SON'S LIFE). There were many a-days that I thought it might have been easier to be a single parent than to have my husband around as well.

Love comment #281...couldn't agree more!