It's pretty easy to see why you would consider your brother your hero. Thanks for sharing that story. As frustrated and scared as we can be right now, it's easy to see that things could always be worse.

R-amen, Heather. R-amen.

That was beautiful. I'll definetly be thinking twice when I see those people now. Especially when half my company is getting laid off even as I write this.

Cheers to your brother, and anyone as compassionate as he.

not to be a nerd, but it's not a rhetorical question since you were expecting an answer. :) it's just a hypothetical.

First time posting a comment here- I have to say I've been similarly saddened at my sometimes gut reaction to this same situation - my blue collar, all-about-work-ethic family would have you believe that every person out there begging is in that situation because they simply did not try hard enough. I like your side of things much better- a heartwarming story and certainly an inspiration.

Beautifully written. What a lovely story. Also, your brother sounds like a class act. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you so much for sharing that story with me. It made me feel both compelled and warm inside. I will always remember the first day I legally could drive. I was so excited to go to the mall or the movies and hang out without being escorted or picked up miles away that I was just putting along in my Camry. I saw a woman on the side of the road trying so hard to change her tire, a stones throw from the mall I was headed to where people were abundant. Had anyone stopped? No. She had the time to pull over, put emergency equiment out, get the jack under and get her car a foot off the ground before I pulled over to help. I felt so good being late to the movie that I didn't care that I missed the whole plotline. I just ate my popcorn and felt warm and fuzzy the rest of the night.

Thank you everyone who has made a persons day or night better just by saying "let me help."

I sure like you :) You make my heart smile.

Oh this made me tear up, in a good way.

I don't give to homeless people as much as I could or should. Living in NYC and seeing numerous people asking for money on the subway, I've gotten a little to used to it. Thanks for reminding me that although I'm unemployed at the moment, I've got a lot more than a lot of people.

Also, I broke up with my last boyfriend because of his lack of compassion and one of these things was that he hated homeless people. He was from Dallas and always complained that his last girlfriend 'saw angels in the eyes of bums'. Like that was such a horrific character flaw on her part. It's funny now that her fundamentalist mother indoctrinated her to see ANGELS everywhere, but at least it helps others.

Errr, thanks for this blog too. I've been reading for about 5 years and this is my first comment. You make me laugh.

The cynic in me is lost when I come across an outstretched hand and desperate eyes. I always imagine how I would feel if everyone turned their backs on me. I have to give because I don't understand who decided that I should have and the person asking shouldn't.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Dude, that got me all teary. That story was amazing and full of love. Thank you so much for sharing it Heather!!

This has touched me in many ways - more than I want to confess, even as an anonymous person here on this blog.

All I have to say is that this is beautiful, and this is so true, and I will try to remember this story every time I pass someone who is in an unfortunate situation in their life.

Thank you.

What a great story.

Isn't it great how the little things can make such an impression that will last your lifetime. You never know how your actions are affecting other people.

I agree.
I always thought, it doesn't matter what they do with the money, as long as it makes them happy. And if drinking until they're wasted, eating a big mac, or putting the money in a savings account makes them happy? Then I've helped make someone happy. Not my place to judge!

Wow Heather, thanks for sharing that. I had an opposite experience in college, when I was walking with a guy I'd been dating for a few months and gave change to a guy who asked for 50 cents (literally, that's all he asked for). After we'd moved past, my boyfriend said to me "You shouldn't do that, he might just use it to buy alcohol." I was really upset by this (though also kind of interested to know where I could get booze for 50 cents). The relationship ended soon after, and I remember that as one of the first rifts.

I work in nonprofit fundraising, and I'm all-too-familiar with the scrutiny that comes from someone giving you their money. We have to document and report the shit out of every foundation dollar we get. But the fact is, any charitable contribution is made with trust that the recipient will use it for a good purpose, and to refuse to give simply because you cannot absolutely control the use of the money is not in the spirit of charity. Your brother had it damn right.

thanks for sharing....your brother is good.

ps...is he single :)

I used to work in a Women's Centre in a rough area of my town where we had a clothing exchange for the women who would drop in. One day, a staff members saw one of our regulars selling clothes that she had received from our exchange on a corner not far from our Centre. This opened up a shit storm of debate among our staff and volunteers, about whether or not she should lose her rights to the clothing donations for selling what she had received for free.

I (and many of my co-workers) argued that it went against our mandate, and beyond our rights to dictate what our clients did with the donations once they walked out our doors. If that women needed 5 dollars more than she needed a pair of jeans, then by all means, let her make that trade. In another context, she would be called an entrepreneur. The dispute settled down, the woman came back to the clothing exchange without incident, and our clients maintained the right to do what they would with the resources they were given.

Another commenter after the first post pointed out that we are stroking our own egos when we try to impose our own ideals and attach strings to donations. I completely agree. Every individual knows better than anyone else what they need at that moment.

Thank you.

You can never know what that homeless person will do with the $20, in many cases probably waste it away, but if we can't have faith in others, and in ourselves, then what do we have? I like to think of a world where people are given chances. Where we can give that money because we realize we don't understand how that person got there and like you said, need it more than us. You never know where a kind gesture can lead in the great big scope of things.
Reminds me a bit of my sister. Here in Barcelona we have a lot of Indian/Pakistani immigrants who try to make some money selling roses downtown. She always buys the ugliest, most wilted one; ie, the one she know no one will buy.

kudos to you, heather and to ranger. we never know everything about anybody! we all need compassion sometimes.... so why shouldn't the next person who walks by me. wonderful post.

AMEN!!!

I wish I had a Ranger in my life!!!

Chris, the Only Child...

I remember, several years back, being in the parking lot at college and hearing a song/remix type thing called "Underwear Goes Inside the Pants" by Lazy Boy. I looked it up when I got home, and I will never forget this quote:

"This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him, then I thought, 'He's just going to use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, "That’s what *I’m* gonna use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?'"

As long as I can buy beer (and there are times I can't), I will never begrudge and I will never hold judgment. I and my husband, like almost everyone, are only one hard knock away from the same thing, and I won't ever forget that.

*THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE*

What a great story! I was relieved! I thought it was going to turn out like one of those Lifetime movies where your brother was awesome then he makes a mistake and becomes a crack addict and you do everything in your power to help him become the brother he was by lending him money for rehab.

Thank goodness that was not the story! Yours is much better and I will remember it if ever in the same situation. Good for him!

I feel the same way about giving to the homeless, because of a similar story. Except the source of my feeling about giving is from my mother, not my brother. Although, my brother is also one of my heroes!

Beautiful life lesson from your brother. It's their responsibility to choose what to do with the money and live with the results. It's our responsibility to give when we see true need.

Heather, that sweet story managed to summarize exactly how I feel about giving to the homeless. All I know is that when I look at someone in ragged clothes exposed to all sorts of weather - suffering, in a word, I don't really care why or how they got there. I just want to make their lives a little easier for them. Even if they are alcoholics or drug addicts, can't we be compassionate for someone with a problem SO BAD it made them homeless? Not too many people aspire to live like that, and I'd bet most of them would strive for better if only they knew where to start. Or if they had been afforded the privileges those of us in the middle class take for granted...a loving, supportive family, a chance for an education, and the security of knowing where all of your meals in the foreseeable future are coming from. We teach our children to see through these people instead. Can you imagine how amazing the world would be if we all stopped to care every now and then?

I have a tear in my eye after reading that story. Thanks for sharing, Heather. I often give homeless people money, and what they do with it is their business. One gal walked straight to the liquor store. I kind of envied her a bit, because of the freedom that she had to do that. I, on the other hand, had to go back to work. Would love to have joined her for a beer! Your blog is the bomb.

First time commenter. I loved this story! Thanks!

Word.

And add on to #57.

I forgot to say, great story Heather!!! Once again you've told a beautiful, thought provoking, well told tale.

Rock on sistah!

Thank you Heather.

I was raised in SoCal where you're taught to look the other way. If you make eye contact they'll just ask you for money that they'll then use to buy booze or drugs. I was taught that if you felt compelled to give them something than give them food not money. As far as I know there are no liquor stores where you can use a bunch of bananas to buy a fifth of cheap vodka.

Thanks for this post today. I really, really hope that this politically, economically and socially uncertain time will help us all to be more compassionate human beings. I originally thought you were writing about the buyout also, and, while it was a thoughtful metaphor, I'm glad it was about this story instead.

I love you, Dooce. You are an amazing person!

I have such a hard time, though, with this concept, because my family took in three newborn babies at various times whose mother was on welfare (they were all from the same mother) and used her welfare payments to get drugs that ruined these children's lives. I held them as they shook because they were having withdrawals from crack at just a few days old, and that image is forever burned in my mind... They were all adopted by my aunt, and they have such problems from the drugs and alcohol their mother took while she was pregnant. They will never be normal because of their mother.

I *want* to give these people money, but I just don't want to feed their addictions or help them to hurt their children. I'm still the person who has no idea what to do when she sees a homeless person. :(

thanks for this, for so many reasons. and to remind me how great it is to have an older brother... mine's pretty awesome too.

Like everyone else, I loved this story and wish I had a Ranger in my life (like Chris, I'm a Lonely Only). My immediate reaction to your hypothetical was to say of course, yes, absolutely I would give the money to both the starving family and the crack addict. The only thing that gave me pause was this:

A few years ago, my mom had a tire blow on the highway. She pulled over and (not having the proper equipment to change the tire herself), called Triple A. While she was waiting, a guy in an old van pulled up and asked if she needed help. He had the tool she needed in his van and offered to change the tire. When she said it wasn't necessary, that she had just called Triple A and he probably had more important places to be, he insisted. She tried to give him twenty dollars for his kindness and the time he took, and he refused. He said, "I used to be a drug addict and recently got clean. If you give me that twenty dollars I'll be too tempted to think about what I could do with it." She gave him three dollars instead and told him to buy himself a cup of coffee, which he accepted.

I guess when someone tells you they need the money you should trust them and let them do what they want with it, but after that story I'm always worried that a person is trying to get clean but my money will encourage them back into their own dangerous patterns.

But thanks for the story.

One of the things I really miss from my youthful innocence was the ability to look down my nose at people. It was really helpful in insulating myself from the poor, the weak, the downtrodden, etc. It allowed me to pretend that their problems could never happen to me, because I was smarter, better, more hard working, more responsible.

Then I grew up a little. Life knocked me around. Still is, actually. I discovered that those people are just like you and I, save some circumstances. That was when I truly started to understand the phrase "there but for the grace of God go I".

You know what else? I was always as hard on myself as I was on the people I was judging. By giving them a break, I gave myself a break. The right to make mistakes, to make poor decisions, and still feel like a rightful member of the human race. If I give someone $5, and they spend it on Mad Dog, and the escaped their misery for a few hours, then good for them. They deserved a break from despair. Just like I do.

Amen. I can live with the risk that the homeless person will use the money for liquor, and thereby take advantage of me. I cannot live with the risk that s/he needed the money for food, and I passed up the opportunity to help. I give every single time, no questions asked.

I was so so worried that Ranger was going to become a crack addict by the end of the story and you had to help his family that I had to go back and reread to fully appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing!

That's a great story, thanks for sharing. I respectfully disagree, but I understand your reasoning and part of me wishes I had the same optimism. My problem is that - yes - one out of 10 might take that money and put it to good use. But if that means there are nine others who put it to ill use - feeding their addiction, crime, etc - that becomes a burden on society. And I've created that burden.

I don't know what the answer is for the homeless and hungry problem in our country. I know it's not "Get a job!" But I don't think it's throwing money at them either. That said, I always give them food when I have it to spare, and always respect.

Dooooooooooooooooooce. You got tears. That story makes me yearn for the relationship I could have had with my brother if only I'd recognized when I was a kid what an awesome person he was. Instead, I treated him like shit, and now he's grown and probably not really interested in hearing me apologize. Sigh. I might try to though, anyway.

Thank you for the "rest of the story". I read your question last week and did not respond to it, but will say here that I would give money to the family and the crack head. This has nothing to do with my politics or anyone else's but more about how I felt at that moment and hoping when you help someone that maybe yours was the handout they used to buy the food or warm clothes for themselves or their children. That maybe an earlier handout paid for the beer or crack for that day and yours was the bonus that provided a life sustaining need.

I flew to Houston this last weekend to visit with my husband and adult sons who still live in Texas. On Monday of this week my husband and I drove to downtown Houston to see the devastation from hurricane Ike and was surprised how quickly windows have been replaced, debris removed or piled waiting to be removed. While walking around we were approached by a homeless gentleman. He proceeded to explain he had been stranded in Houston and was sleeping in the parks and was in need of medical care. Immediately my husband reaches into his pocket but before he pulls out the loose change or dollar bill the man says "no, no please wait until I finish". He proceeded to remove his left shoe to show us his toes and why he needed some ointment from the pharmacy to help what appeared to be a severe fungal infection, frostbite (from where I do not know since it was not freezing in Houston) or necrotic tissue from God knows what - his toes were black and swollen. I suggested he head for the Texas Medical Center to the emergency room for medical attention, gave him directions, and my husband dug deeper and handed him all the change and dollar bills that were in his pocket. He thanked us profusely and walked off. We later saw him riding on the handlebars of a bicycle and sort of headed in the direction of the medical center. I turned to my husband and wondered out loud if we were not the biggest suckers in the world and probably what we saw were really dirty, muddy toes. Did we feel fooish? A little. Would we do it again, yes, because at that moment we were able to help with a few extra bucks and just maybe he headed to a pharmacy and not the local liquor store or street corner drug dealer.

Thanks for this. Wish I could tell you how it helps me process all the craziness...a resounding "YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, MAN. YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!" Totally inspiring.

I agree totally, and I always get scolded by my co-workers when I give money to people on the street. I look at it this way: God has blessed me with money, shelter, food, etc., so it's not really "my" money to begin with. If someone asks me for a dollar or whatever, I'm okay with just giving it to them without worrying what they're going to use it for. I am not called to oversee how people spend their money. I am called to be generous...so I am!

I'm in tears reading this. My son is 3, and he'll often ask me questions about the people holding signs on the sides of the road. Sometimes, I stare straight forward and pretend they're not there - we all do it. Sometimes, though, I see that desparation in their eyes (and I'm glad it's not in mine), and I roll down the window and hand them whatever cash I have.

The other day, there was this gentleman hobbling in traffic. Our eyes met when he was in the lane next to mine. I waved him over and gave him a $20 - all I had. He actually began to cry, and so did I. As we drove away, my son asked if he was sad. I told him no, he was probably happier than he had been in a long time and that I was sad that he was out there. Then my son asked if the man would go into the grocery store we had just left to buy food. I told him that maybe he would or maybe he would take it home and give it to his family so they could have food. For the rest of the afternoon, we talked about this brief exchange, and I have a glimmer of hope that my son will have a full heart in this cynical world.

Have you read the book Anatomy of Peace? I just read it in the last year, and the whole premise is based on honoring your impulses. If you have the impulse to give some scruffy guy a $20 and you honor it, you'll be at peace. Sometimes you just don't need to have a reason other than "I wanted to."

I agree with you 100%. I have this argument with a friend all the time. I always say it's better to err on the side of charity. If this person is scamming you, then that's on their conscience, not yours. Trying to help someone is never wrong.

Heather, this is enlightening. Thank you.
But I would also like to chime in on what Denver, CO is doing in an effort to curb this "street-corner" begging.

I too struggle with your dilemma, like so many others, and I agree with your situation and solution, BUT, what Denver has done is to try and head this off and provide, 1) a community solution to this epidemic, and 2) give us compassionate/wishy-washy givers an excuse NOT to just hand over our money to these people.

Denver has set up what look like parking meters that accept money like the old-fashioned coin meters. This money goes to fund homeless and indigent programs that offer food and shelter for these "beggars."

I hope I am not coming across as ignorant or heartless. I am just frustrated that someone (sometimes 3-4 people) every block can bug you for cash and you have no idea what your money is being used for-they could be pocketing five figures per year. And hey, maybe it doesn't matter as long as you feel good about your actions.
Thanks for listening

Jenn # 10: I think by 'rhetorical,' Heather meant that the answer should be obvious.

Couldn't have said it better. I have friends that when I do give, they ask me what will I do if they use it for drugs... I tell them that charity begins and ends with me giving the money. I shouldn't propose to judge the validity of what they need it for.

I also get 'impulses" when I see certain people asking for money. It's some sort of instant connection and before I know it I'm opening my wallet for them. For some reason it doesn't happen to everyone, just certain people. Not sure what it is, I just get a deep gut feeling that they TRULY need it.

Oh, and PPS. I didn't mean that I wish I would question all...I meant that I wouldn't question anyone and give without questioning for the sake of giving. That's all. OK, bye.

This is wonderful. Yet ANOTHER reason to send fan email. :)

D ~ So behind your harsh/raw exterior there is a warm heart! I hope Leta gets to experience those kind of examples too. Great story, D, great story.

I have a friend who worked a lot with people without homes in the past. She shared two great pieces of insight with me in the first few months after I'd met her:
1. They're people first. No matter what you're talking about--autism, homeless, adopted--they're people first. Which is why I won't call them "homeless people" anymore. That puts the homeless first.
2. Don't discriminate. Guessing whether someone really will use the money for food or drugs instead isn't a fair judgement. In fact, it's a discriminatory judgement. She suggested instead to devise a plan and stick to it. Give money to everyone or not at all. My personal choice has been to give food if I have it to someone begging. That way I KNOW what the end result will be: That person will get fed. If I don't have food, I appologize for not having any. My friend has gone as far as taking people to lunch with her, but I am not as gracious as she. Either way, she's been a great influence in my life and I know she'd want me to share her ideas with you.

I love your blog! Keep up the good fight :)

that story was beautiful.
my husband has always been the guy that hands a $20 to someone on a street corner, too. one evening, a man told us a tale about needing an alarm clock and my husband handed him everything in his pocket...much more than the alarm clock i'm sure.
no questions.
no comments.
that was when i really fell in love.
it is such an awesome sight to see people helping others. isn't it?

I don't have someone like that who inspired me but I've been broke and hungry and have always been helped. Now that I can I have the impulse to give to whomever asks. Does that make me a Rube? Probably. Do I care? No I do not.

Great story.

I read "Travels with Lizbeth" years ago, a memoir by a man who became homeless (I think because of medical bills). He wrote that many people were often worried that if they gave him money when he was panhandling, he'd spend it on liquor and drugs. And really? Many of us drink to "take the edge off" at the end of a relatively stress-free day, certainly stress-free when compared to being homeless. It made me more cautious about being so judgmental. Just a little.

yep, what you said.

I totally agree.

I go nuts when I hear people say "I will not vote Democrat, because they give my money to lazy people".

I really respect your point of view. I used to share this view, but unfortunately after working in social work for the last four years I've become jaded. I now know from experience that four out of five times you try to help someone out and give them money or resources they use it in some way that isn't in their (or their childrens) best interest. It used to be enough that the one person did, now I find myself being really angry that the majority don't.

It is nice to read things like this and know that not everyone shares my crappy, pessimistic, burned out point of view. I hope to find my way back to your side one way or another.

Thank you! What a great example your brother's story is to all of us...

Thanks - you made a difference today.

I live in DC, and the homeless are so prevalent around here that I confess to having become used to seeming them, to the point that I've almost stopped seeing them. If that makes sense.

One day a couple of years ago, I was walking by a man sitting on the ground and he had a sign that said "Please help even though I'm worthless."

I walked by and didn't say anything. But at the next street corner I started to cry at the very idea of how callous I'd become. I walked back and held out $5 instead of putting it in his cup and when he finally made eye contact I just said "You're not worthless."

I felt more human in that moment that in any since, honestly.

Beautiful, thought-provoking story. You (for writing this) and your brother (for doing it) are good examples for all of us. That "you'll never know" line killed me.

Haven't we all been in that desperate place, when everything looks impossible, and one random act of kindness (even a friendly cashier smiling) flips a switch and gives us the courage to continue on?

p.s. Jen in comment 134? I just started crying AGAIN.

Heather-I am so glad a friend introduced me to your blog. In the few months I have been reading, I can't count the number of times I have been moved to tears or laughter by your thought-provoking posts, hilarious parenting/ relationship/dog stories, and your awesome political rants (please don't stop!). You have an amazing sense of humor, are an incredibly talented writer and photographer, and have great taste. I truly can't wait to go to your page every day :)

In Boston one cold night a few years ago, I came out of my gym near Copley Square and as I walked to my car a man asked me for money. "If I have $____ I can get the T. to Cambridge and I think get a room in the shelter there, the ones here are full, I already have $___, I only need $___ more." (Sorry, I am forgetting precise amounts. The bottom line was he still needed about $5.) Self-styled urban sophisticate that I was, I mumbled a hurried "no, thank you, (my ridiculous stock answer to panhandlers then) and passed him by. Behind me I heard him say "Oh, PLEASE." Not like he expected anything to come of it, but just sort of quietly and resignedly. He was a handsome, dignified-looking African American man in a clean trench coat -- obviously someone who had lived a better life at some point-- and I had made him beg. I stopped, went back and as he watched I opened my wallet. I didn't have a five. I had a ten, and a couple ones. I gave him the ten. I said, "This will get you a bite of dinner as well. I'm sorry I was discourteous. Please forgive me." He thanked me of course, and said no forgiveness necessary of course --- BUT, I will never, ever forgive myself for making him beg. I can still hear his voice saying, "Oh, please." Give when you can, what you can. No questions asked. That's my new philopsophy. Thanks for the story, Heather.

I love this post. It's once of my favorites of yours so far.

Reading this was like reading my own words... I had a very similar experience, and today, I feel that conflict if I do or do not, give to someone asking for money....

Thanks for posting it...I hope next time I don't feel like hesitating ...

This reminds me of a moment that has haunted me for the last four years. I was on study abroad in London, sitting in a park with my friends having a takeaway lunch. A sickly-looking, dirty, emaciated girl who looked to be about our age came up to us asking for money. We all said no and she wandered away. Later on that day I was wracked with guilt for being so cold to another human being when I have so much that is just handed to me. Ever since, I have wished I could redo that moment and give her some money, my lunch, my sweatshirt--anything. It's an important lesson to learn and I'm so glad that you had your brother to teach it by his own fabulously compassionate example.

I wanna give your brother a hug!!! That's a great story -- not just about charity, but also about family, and the ripple effect that our actions have. Your brother was just being a good guy, and it sounds like he was born that way. But his action had this other effect, which was to deeply impress and inspire his baby sister, who grew up to write about it on this blog that's read by hundreds of thousands of people, and who will (no doubt) instill that same lesson in her daughter. THAT makes me all warm and fuzzy and chokes me up, maybe even more than the original story.

I think a lot of readers missed the point of your story -- its not about how to give away money, or how much, or when its appropriate.

Its about: (1) connecting with other people, whether they are strangers or family, and (2) recognizing that the manner in which you live your life has effects beyond anything you can contemplate in a given moment.

I love it.

"aren't we all beggars?" i always try to give. i would rather be wrong about a positive judgement. God can judge me on my willingness to give and i'll let Him judge the beggar for what he does with the donation. bums often beg at the stoplight coming out of the grocery store. i often don't have cash but i'll give a bag of chips and some fruit. a popcicle on a hot day can bring a smile to their face.
and i still pay my tithing and fast-offerings.
the only time i refused was to some hippies with a sign that read, "travelling, need $." seriously? get a job and pay for your own vacation like the rest of the contributing society does.

Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with the above post, and everything to do with the current "daily chuck" photo, which does not allow comments -

WHAT IF CHUCK AND COCO ARE SECRETLY IN LOVE??????? WHAT THEN???

I've been reading you for some years now. You are at times crazy, obnoxious, and very often just plain overreacting.
And you're human, more than most others I know, and this post makes very clear that you are above all a good person. Which is wonderful. Thanks!

I'm always torn about giving money to beggers --

1st I have been scammed many times when younger in NYC & also here in Houston. Having my cell phone stolen by letting someone use it who said they were desperate, giving money to a begger and then seeing him climb into his NICE car and drive away (when his "shift" was over?)

2nd I give money to charity, carefully, where I think it might actually help and make a difference, which makes me feel better about not looking at them individually. Not a lot better but enough to live with myself.

The problem is that I DO want to help, but it's so overwhelming to look at all the people out there and think about how you can't help them all. I can't give money to all the people who constantly ask for help, I'd be bankrupt!

But I help as much as I can, and do what I can to be sure that the money I give does go to real help -- food or shelter rather than scammers.

Thanks for talking about this Heather! I don't agree with your political views in this election, but I respect your opinion and the heart behind it.

Man, aren't we cynical for assuming it was a veiled reference to the government?

Excellent post, Heather.

I'm a long time reader, but a first time commenter. I chose to come out of my lurk-dom today to say how much this entry touched me. I am unashamed to say that I was moved a little to tears. Today of all days this is something I needed to read, so thank you.

I used to live and work in midtown Manhattan. Every morning I passed a guy who sat at the same corner, with a cup and a book. He read more than me!! I would drop change in his cup whenever I had it in my pocket. Since I saw him everday, I never thought about how much I was giving away.

Fast forward a couple years. This same homeless man is profiled in a story in the New York Times about how NYC's homeless were migrating north to Cambridge, Mass (apparently the social services were enough to offset the cold weather). He told the reporter that of the millions of people that walked by him everyday, most just kept on walkin'. Some gave bills. Some gave change. There was one guy in a suit that he remembered in particular, because that guy always stopped by to chat with him. The guy in the suit would sometimes bring him a cup of coffee, sometimes not. But the homeless guy remembered him because he was the person who treated him like a human being.

After I read that article, I regretted so much not doing just a tiny bit more to be nice to that man. I just think that story underscores the point that its not about the money. Its the humanity.

My Mamaw used to say: "Give them the money, you don't know if they are buying booze or not, but at least you have done your part to help, if they need it. Who are we to judge"?

I always tell myself that the $5 or $10 or $20 will mean so much more when added to that person's life than the $5 or $10 or $20 will mean if subtracted from mine.

I knew I loved you for a reason.

Thanks for making me well up at work.

I *heart* Ranger.

heather, i don't think i've commented on one of your posts, well, ever (despite being an avid fan), but i really had to thank you for this. i too was taught that you don't ever give money to the homeless...and i feel horrible every time i pass someone by. i'd be broke if i gave to everyone who asked, but i genuinely want to thank you for making such a thoughtful point: even if i end up supplying someone with crack, it really is worth the risk if there's even the possibility that i supplied someone with a meal. you've changed my perspective for the better, and i really appreciate it.

utah bleeding-heart liberals unite! (okay, i live elsewhere now, but i'll always be a utahn at heart)

So, what, you want us to congratulate you on occasionally helping out a homeless person? Is this supposed to make you more sympathetic? You're an upper class straight white woman, Dooce. You make a living out of posting pictures of your daughter on the internet. It's getting harder to enjoy your blog these days.

Heather - This was a beautifully written piece.

I agree with pretty much everything you and Jon post, and am grateful that there are two intelligent, kind and reasonable people with powerful voices out there contributing.

Thanks.

Have a great weekend!
Jen Crane
Missoula, Montana

I didn´t answer on the first post, but I´m inclined to comment now. I would have given the money without a second though. I´m from Birmingham and I remember the first day I attended classes my freshman year at Georgia State University, I cried seeing on the homeless people. I couldn´t NOT give money to one man who is on the same corner every single day without fail. My view on this has always been that it is not my place to decide who is worth the money I´m giving. It is not my place to judge, and it is not place to tell someone what they can and cannot do with their lives. I never used to be too religious, and now I´m converting to Judaism, but I always say that its between that person and their G-d what they do with that money. I´m giving money out of a good place in my heart and if they choose to do something else with it so be it. You have to detach yourself from whatever happens after you give the money.

I´m currently studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and the immense amount of homeless people who sit on the streets and in the subway stations can be overwhelming. I try to carry some snacks or food with me to give when I can so I don´t have 50 people line up asking for money.

Cee, you are soulless.
Love always,
Angela

I must have rewritten this comment 5 times, because I come across seeming more cynical than I really am. I truly am an altruist and optimist. I've worked with the poor all my life and try to live by this adage: Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime. That being said, there is a fine line between extending a helping hand to someone in need and extending help because you don't think they are capable of helping themselves. I won't diminish the beautiful example your brother set as a perfect Christmas story of generosity, but I also believe that there are many who are stuck in a cycle of poverty with a sense of entitlement that goes beyond help during tough times to "you owe me." One of the primary reasons I got out of that kind of work is that I stopped having faith in the people who didn't really want to learn how to fish and the people who had no time to teach them but felt better about themselves by handing over fish that they really didn't want anyway. Which left me in the position of not being able to help at all. The most important thing we can do is to see people as ourselves and ask what we would want if we found ourselves in the same situation. Given the way the world is now, it could happen.

Is your sister's name really September? If it is ...I LOVE IT...if it isn't ...I STILL LOVE IT.

Thank you for sharing this Heather :) You and your brother have hearts of gold

Your story made me cry a little bit. I've only given money to homeless people a couple of times, but it breaks my heart when I do and even more when I don't. Thanks for so eloquently explaining why some of us have the impulse to hand over a twenty (even occasionally).

I remember being a very small child and unable to finish the chicken nuggets my father bought me at a fast food restaurant, but throwing them out instead of giving them to a man inside who was asking people for enough change for some coffee. I will always regret that, so every time I hand someone some quarters I just hope I'm helping to even things out.

I'm so thankful to you for sharing this story. This is something that my husband & I argue about all the time. When I asked him this question last week when u posted it on your web site, it actually made him think before he responded with his usual answer. I'm slowly breaking him down (after all isn't that what marriage is all about). I still have hope that there is compassion in all of us even if it is buried deep down.

Just because giving money to homeless or "homeless" people makes YOU feel good, doesn't mean it IS good.

It's quite possible that enabling people to beg on the streets only prolongs their suffering. If they have options to getting professional help or to hitting bottom then they'll never gather the courage to pull themselves out of their utter despair.

I think your warm feelings are false compassion.

Yes, we desperately need better mental healthcare in this country.

And you are a beautiful woman with a kind heart. But I think you'd be better off donating money to charitable organizations that get people off the streets. One I support is Children of the Night. I'd rather give a counselor $20 if she will use it to get a prostitute off the streets and into a better life. SHE is teaching a woman to fish. YOU are giving that woman or man a fish.

Growing up right next to San Francisco, I too was taught not to give money to panhandlers. I was in a convenience store buying a bottle of water once, when a homeless man came up behind me and mumbled something in my direction. So used to ignoring such things, it didn't dawn on me until I was back in the car that he'd not asked for money, but only for a cup of coffee... I still don't give to everyone who asks, but often if it's in my power I will buy a coffee or some soup on a cold day.

In my city, there are a number of intersections where those who are struggling will stand on the median between the opposing lanes of traffic holding signs 'homeless and hungry' and I will almost always give them some cash if I have any on me.

You'll never know what a difference you made.

BTW, what if it's your $20 that buys the overdose?

How do you feel about putting $20 indirectly into a drug dealer's pocket?

Don't do it, Heather. It's not the right thing to do.

I always give what I can because I know from first hand experience just how easy it is to wind up there. I've lost my home in a freak accident and not had enough money to jump back up on my feet again. I've lost my job because I couldn't find anywhere in my small town to live. I've had to live with my husband and son in my parents spare room until we'd found new work in a new town. I've had to go on welfare until I got my first paycheck just to pay the rent. I've had to stand in line at the foodbank waiting for a handout. I have two university degrees. Both achieved with the highest distinction and a 3.9 gpa, and I was not immune. Now, years later, I sit in my own home, and I know that I was very lucky because I had a support system and education to fall back on when times got tough. Not everyone who falls can get back up again. Sometimes the best they can do is hold out their cup, and who am I to judge them. I don't know their story, I don't know how they ended up where they are. All I know is that maybe I can make their day just a little less bleak, and maybe that will make a difference.

Not that I'm a very religious person but this reminds me of one of my favorite quotes...

"The act of giving is between you and God. What he does with the money is between him and God."

Heather,

Such a nice story, and the whole time I was thinking your bro turned out to be a drug addict. Good outcome!

I pass the same homeless people everyday - and I do not give to them. I feel bad, but they are there 365 days a year. It's really heart breaking, but I feel like I'm enabling them some.

I do however give them food, water. In fact this past winter just a few days before Christmas we went to Wendy's and there was a homeless man in there. He was sitting by the window so that he could keep a close eye on his cart. We bought him some an extra hamburger and cup of coffee and gave him about $20. I don't know what he did with it, but it was right before Christmas and freezing here in Denver.

We should all volunteer when we can, because this is where we can help stop poverty - and I need to do more of it.

I love this. Thank you.

Granted I'm a social worker and liberal-type, I have always had the philosophy that if someone is desperate enough to beg, then they must really need the money. It is not my judgment as to what they spend it on, but my decision as to whether I want to part with my cash. We never know the impact that our actions might have. Sure, that guy/girl could run off and buy some booze, but I'm banking on that one person who will spend the money on something or someone in a positive way. The movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" always sticks in my mind. Kindness, being connected, seeing one another as humans with the same fears, joys and insecurities. That's what it's all about.

How wonderful. Thank you! :)

Not at all where I expected this to go. That's why I didn't answer the question. My mom has neighbors that have a home that is paid for and left to them after a death in the family. They can't pay their basic bills (electricity) or clothe their children but they do have money for beer. cigarettes and pot. I have nothing against those three things, unless you are recieving government assistance, not working and still not taking care of you kids.

As for homeless people, I have mixed feelings. There are quite a few that are always under the bridge by my apartment. One I tried to give a granola bar because his sign said he was hungry, but he said he couldn't eat that because it would get all in his teeth. Never mind that he might not have bathed in a while. I just kept it.

I gave one guy a lunchable and he was really nice and thanked me and it was sweet.

Then there is one other main character. He works at a fast food place and his girlfriend works with me at a main retail chain. I ran their credit to get them a cell phone. YET he stands by the road and says that he needs money to feed his baby. That bothers me. Thay don't have a baby.

I'm a giver. I want to help people and in a way that is not conditional. If I gave you five dollars and you bought a forty with it, so be it. But sometimes it is hard to blur that line of helping and enabling or just plain feeling taken advantage of.

I always love you posts. Took my mind out the box a little today. I would be proud to have a brother like yours too if I were you.

Lovely story. It moved me to tears. Sounds like you have a fantastic older brother! Thank you so much for sharing.

Amen. You so beautifully articulate exactly how I feel.

Reminds me of the lines from Gred Giraldo:

We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books.

I live in LA and rarely give money to homeless people for the same reason most people don't. I was talking to a friend about it and she said that even if she doesn’t give money she makes a point of looking them in the eye and saying "I'm sorry, I don't have cash right now.” Her argument was that acknowledging them as human beings instead of ignoring them was valuable and humanizing. It really stuck with me and now I make a point of at least seeing them and speaking to them instead of looking away and hurrying past. We can be decent to each other and I think that’s powerful.

Thanks for the post -- it was really lovely. When I read the earlier post, I instantly thought, "Yes. Of course." But when you posted this I realized -- I never give money to the homeless. My beloved older brother became an addict in his early 20's and ended up living on the streets of NYC before eventually coming home and dying of complications related to his addiction. I know that part of how he existed was through begging on the streets. So I can't help but wonder if people hadn't given him money, maybe, just maybe, he might have come home sooner. And I might still have that wonderful brother in my life. I know that others aren't as fortunate as he was -- they don't all have people waiting at home ready to help them, and, for them, the money would make a huge difference. But I also wish with all my heart that no one had ever given my brother money.

When I was younger, my dad worked with homeless youth. He created a place in the core of the city where they could just come hang out - no strings attached. He served some snacks and warm drinks, but mostly it was just a 'safe place' for them to be a couple of nights a week. My family developed a number of relationships with these kids over the years.

The reasons why they were living on the streets were vast - some came from terrible family situations and didn't have a home, some had been involved in crime and were trying to hide, some had hit a hard time that was bigger than they were, and some had been born on the streets. Some of them would have used your change for food, and some for drugs and booze. However, ALL of the kids who got off the streets, were able to do so because of someone's kindness. Either through money, a job, or a place to stay, someone took a chance on them and it saved their lives.

Even still, I can be cynical because it might be a scam. But on the other hand, I might be the act of kindness that helps save their life. That's pretty cool.

Anyways - great post.

4pm Franklin Blvd/Highland Blvd, Chevron Gas Station one block up from Sunset Blvd...downtown Hollywood. Rocky was his name. He looked like Kurt Cobain after car accident and walked with a limp due to a bad hip. Me: 3 years new to LA with a giving heart and still a noob to all things metro. Getting gas and 'Hank' comes up out of blue asking "wanna buy a phone card". Do I look European? Did I just walk out of the hostel down the street? No. "No 'Hank', I'm good" I say. "Can you buy me one? I need to call home (pick a small unheard of shanty town in South America) and this one won't last very long' ...I havn't eat'n, no job and can only stay at the shelter 2 weeks at a time." he mumbles. True, he looked cold, starving, in need of 5 showers wth a steel brush and a 12 step program. "is that a guitar in your car? I can teach ya lessons! $25 for an hour!"..he says excitedly as if he's found my weakness. I'm hooked..."You play guitar?" I ask. Meanwhile my tank is full, Rocky is cleaning the gas station parking lot glaring at me ever 30 seconds as if I married his favorite sister just for money. I end my convo pronto 'Hank' and drive home guilt ridden that I hadn't offered at least the change in my pocket. Inspiration arrives! 30 minutes later I'm at Chevron with a box full of great clothes that will fit 'Hank' *we were slightly the same build...he was a smide smaller but baggy was 'in'* food and good book for him to read. Hank is gone. Rocky wonders over and I get nervous. "What are you doing?" he asks. "uhmmm can I help you?" I reply. "yah...what the hell you doing man?" he demands. "I'm looking for 'Hank', where'd he go? I have a box of stuff for him!" I beam with pride. "Your an asshole man. Go home." he demands. Offended I reply "excuse me!?". Rocky whips around "Your 'friend Hank' is a druggie man, he wants money from you! That's it! He's gonna take this stuff...sell it and by crack with it. What the hell do u think he wanted u to buy him a phone card for.'. I think 'I never told Rock that!..how'd he know'. He sells it to idiots like you...then turns around and buys crack. I've been clean for 5 months and I don't want that shit round this place...so get outta here'. "I'm sorry," I mumble "I, I, I didn't know." I bow my head and shamely drive back home box in my passenger seat feeling lied to and burnt by my giving nature. Rocky was right. I was naive. Rocky cleaned the parking lot for money to surive on. And survive he did as far as I know. Then 1 year later i'm at the stop light...across the street from the same gas station. I see Rocky and a 'shady dude' cross paths walking, a quick passing handshake without even looking at each other. Rocky keeps going and turns down the alley. 'Shady dude' stops after 100ft and suddenly has cash in his hand to count.

Who do u trust? I don't now. Does it matter once the money is out of your hands? It's their choice to lie, cheat and sell to us givers. It's the game...and it works for all involved i guess. My heart is lighter when I give that's what matters. Right? I'm not sure anymore.

Also, in regard to Tiffany's story above (#214) homeless people do not have dental plans. I've tried to give a homeless guy an apple before and he said he couldn't eat it because of his teeth. so I bought him a sandwich made with soft bread. I don't give money to homeless people, because I live in San Francisco -- I would be broke. But I do buy them food when I can. No one should be hungry when there is so much food waste in this country.

I was raised to believe that what you give is between you and God, and what the other person does with what you give is between that person and God.

Great post! You really had me wondering where you were going with that question, and I'm glad to hear where the thought originated. :) I absolutely love reading your blog!

Now this is way off the subject of your post....but I am dying to know! How did your mother, when naming her children, go from September and Ranger to Heather. Both of your siblings have names that I have never heard of, and yours is one I hear quite frequently. I'm not saying that I don't like any of them, I just think it's interesting that she switched her direction. Maybe there's a story behind it, and maybe ther isn't, but I'd love to know.

Hopefully that didn't come across rude, because it's not my intention at all.

I just listened to a this american life story about a guy who is taking great measures to help the next generation of children in Harlem. There is a cure for poverty in our country and it starts at the age of zero.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0618569898?ie=UTF8&tag=harchiszon-20&li...

Your brother sounds HOT. I mean, really generous and kind. But I bet he's hot, too. Because he's definitely a beautiful person. Great story, and beautifully written!!

I have to be a cynic here. Sure, maybe that person is going to buy food with the money you give them. Chances are they are not. Then you aren't supporting an unfortunate person but that person's drug dealer. If you want to feed a homeless person, donate to a charity or go across the street and buy them some food. If you insist on something monetary, buy walgreens gift cards in small denominations to hand out. Handing them money is the absolute worst solution. Really, the best thing to do is to donate to an organization that has the means to turn that money into food, clothing, shelter, medical treatment, or a job program.

I remember being young and going to the grocery store with my dad, buying a huge amount of food for a party my parents were hosting, and upon leaving the parking lot, pulling up along side a ragged old man with a cardboard sign asking for help. I teared up and begged my dad to let us give him something from the backseat FULL of food and my brilliant suggestion was that he could have all of my soda (I was young, it seemed VERY thoughtful to me at the time). My father pulled over and I gave him 2 six packs of Sprite. I don't remember his reaction, but I remember my father immediately siding with my young desire to help and willingness to give up soda for the greater good of helping someone else. I have given money since then to many people on the side of the road, even one to a guy who criticized my $5 donation as not being enough, and I never regret that decision, which I credit to my dad to this day. Thank you for posting this story, I totally identify with every thought process you described and love the way you tell it.

Usually my thought is about being a young single female walking around - I am concerned more for my safety than where the money will go. I have friends though who I know could be a lost job away from being in that position and they are the people who always help those people on the street, usually by sharing their meal since they are also scrimping for money. Rocked my world. Now I try to give food or money, whichever I have on me when I pass by.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. :)

Heather,
This story really rescued my day. I was just about to give on human beings, and Americans in particular, after reading story after depressing story about the election and the economy. But then I clicked on your blog and as corny as it seems I felt a whole lot better. America might just be ok if there are people still around like you and your brother.

Everyone has a story for why they believe what the believe. It's usually a personal experience. I remember during the holidays my family driving around in the city trying to find homeless people so that we could give them food and money.

My Dad would take us to Toys R Us and say, "pick whatever toys you want", so that we could take them all down to a rundown church that let homeless familys live in their parking lot.

I remember taking my lunch break and as I was exiting the freeway there was a homeless man standing on the side of the road with a sign asking for money. I passed him by and went to get my food, when I placed my order I asked for one extra sandwich. I drove back, looped around to that same exit where the man was, rolled down my window and gave him the hot sandwich. He looked really happy.

Giving should never be preceeded by placing judgement on someone...and the funny thing is, I think that often times, when you believe in someone, who doesn't believe in themselves, it could make that person see life differently.
I've heard countless stories of people who were going to either commit a crime or buy drugs with money given to them, but they didn't because someone trusted in them. Someone did something so profound that it changed them.

And I believe that happens everyday.

Thank you for sharing this story. I know how it feels to want to fight that natural impulse of giving to someone whom you don't know what they'll do with it. I experienced the same sort of moment you did via my Mom and it's impacted me forever.

I was nodding along so hard that it was difficult to steady my eyeballs enough to read the whole post. While I can't trace my need to give to a singular experience, I know that it came from generally seeing the generosity of my mother.

Today I struggle every time I have to walk by someone on the street and apologize for not handing over money-- I have to talk myself down every day. But the reason I don't fork over cash by the handful is that I work in non-profit (housing homeless kids, actually) making non-profit wages, and feel like I have to set boundaries for myself, lest I end up homeless. It has nothing to do with the recipient's intent.

I take a lot of flack from friends for stopping to "save every single homeless kitty," but I can't sleep at night if I pass a person, or kitty, in need and don't do what I can to help. Maybe "what I can" is just stop to talk or wish them well or give them a referral-- but I have to do something.

You are right-- if you improve the life of one out of 100, it is totally worth it. How else is this world going to get any better?

you made me cry.......... again

I will not judge- lest I be judged.
(mmmm- that came out of nowhere- from my childhood?)

wish I had your brother- I don't have either brother or sister. hope he reads dooce.

While your brother sounds like a nice guy, it sounds like this post will encourage tons of people to comment as a way of patting themselves on the back for doing a good deed once too. Not really the point, is it?

I wish all the people who were so quick to say NO read this and felt the tears of the hundreds that said yes, yes in an instant, without a doubt. Where did humanity get lost?

Give your change, give your lunch, give your heart to all those people who don't stand a chance because we all need something, sometime, whether it be money or love or understanding...we all need to lean on each other in times of need.

this is wonderful. im so glad you shared.

my family is very middle class. but i've been poor. not homeless poor---but poor.

please never, ever forget, that sometimes all it takes is one kind act to help someone pull themselves together.

Beautiful story Heather, very heart warming.

Jen 134, your story was also a heart wrenching reminder, and living in a major city myself, I can relate.

You are sweet.

I am sweet, too, which is my main motivation for giving of myself to strangers. Keep in mind, on the outside I am Kick Ass, I am not to be fucked with, but in my nature of natures, I am sweet. And ... and ... poor crackheads, you know? Who DECIDES to be a crackhead?

If people worry about giving cash to people, you can buy McDonalds gift certificates and hand those out. Just buy a few when you go through the drive-through. You'll always have them on hand.

At Christmas, I take a hundred dollars and convert it to gift cards in small denominations from the local grocery store and pass those out.

That's my Christmas present to myself.

This brought tears to my eyes. It also reminded me of something my little sister and her best friend did when we were kids. My sister and her friend were 13. We were going shopping at the "big" shopping center in town, which included a grocery store, Walmart, a Cato's (I think), a McDonald's and a couple other things. There was a little fair in the parking lot that day, and the younger girls asked to go, so my mom gave them $20 and told them to meet us at the Walmart doors a half hour later.

When we came out we asked how the fair was, and they admitted they didn't go. They had noticed this man standing at one end of the parking lot with a sign that said "will work for food." They took their $20 and bought a McDonald's value meal and some groceries and gave it to the man.

Granted, they probably helped him clog his arteries with that value meal, but I was so proud of them I still smile thinking about it.

So, is Ranger single?

this is a lovely story. thanks for finishing the earlier post.

living in nyc i tend to be cynical and callous about the homeless i see everyday in the streets and subways. i dont expect i'll be handing out any more money but it is a timely check that i should remember to be more thoughtful and compassionate.

thanks for sharing.

I live and work in San Francico where every time I step out for lunch, a hand is reached out begging. If I were to give to everyone I encountered it wouldn't take long for me to join their ranks.

That being said, it's the ones that don't beg that I worry about the most. The ones that seem new to the prospect of begging to survive or perhaps too far gone. Those are the ones that give me pause and cause me to double back and give them a small offering.

Thanks for this posting and thanks for your blog; I read it everyday.

Seriously, great post.

I'm reminded, though, of my dad and what he taught me about homeless people. If they're doing something, ANYTHING, to *earn* money they get, then I'll give it to them. The guy selling roses? Of course I'll buy them! The guy playing music? Sure! I'll give him some money! The guy who comes up to me and simply asks for cash? No. I work hard for my money, and I expect everyone else to do the same. Playing music is providing me a *service* of sorts...it's beautiful to listen to, and I'll pay some money for that. But again, just giving cash to give cash? Not unless I know the person.

I struggled with this for a long time. In high school and college I always gave when people asked, because of the guilt factor and my inability to say no to anything. Then my husband and I took in a few homeless people over a period of two years and got a new perspective on it and one girl (who is now my best friend) told us that it was probably better not to give money, because it basically always went to drugs, booze, or cigarettes. No matter what the story they gave. So for a while we didn't give (but rather handed out fliers we made with the help of our friends with a list of all the locations you could get meals and assistance). Then, we befriended another guy who was an addict. One day he didn't have the money for his drugs, and he had a heart attack from the withdrawals. These days I don't often carry cash, but when someone asks and I happen to have some, I give it. I came across a verse in the Bible that says "Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish" (Proverbs 31:6), and that helps me to give freely to homeless people and not care what they use it for. Honestly, they probably need their crack more than I need my latte.

Heather,

Your sister is married, but is your brother? What a badass - give him my number!

I've been a Dooce devotee for years but never felt moved to comment before now -

From a fellow SLC recovering Mormon, thank you for the reminder that there are thinking, caring people like you around who recognize the value of charity (works and/or cash) for its actual worth to the receiver, and not the neuroses of the giver.

I don't really give a shit what people do on Sunday or how they feel about immigration or taxes. Like them, I have to stretch to make rent every month, but I've never walked in my warm house after driving my personal automobile home from a trip to the mall or eating out and thought "God, what am I going to do without that $5 or $10 I gave to the guy freezing on the corner?"

WE WILL NEVER KNOW how our actions or service (or lack thereof!) affect people.

Love you, love your blog - thanks for the beautiful story and years of entertainment and wisdom.

I lived in Memphis for eight years and can very much relate to that avoiding the homeless thing. While I can see the compassionate part of this story, having lived there myself, I can easily say that I did not have guilt over avoiding those situations. My husband was trained in medicine in Memphis. We lived in Mid-Town. I didn't go out after dark by myself for eight years, literally. Memphis is a dangerous city, bottom line. It is nice to help when you can, but in certain circumstances the natural fight or flight mechanism must kick in when you know that, statistically speaking, you might be danger in those types of situations. I didn't give to the homeless while I lived in Memphis. I still don't. I'm like one of your other readers...a minority for sure in these comments. But I feel that if you can endure the cold to sell roses by the roadside, you could reasonably find a day labor job or simply go to a church perhaps for some help. There are plenty of labor offices across Memphis and an abudance of churches and other organizations ready and willing to help people so they don't have to stand out in the road and beg.

Anyway, I thought I might respond with a bit of a different view you might consider. Years ago, in a college philosophy course, I remember studying Thomas Hobbes, who argued that many actions by people are inherently selfish, even if the action seems selfless. And the reason being selfless is actually selfish is because it makes you feel good. You get those warm fuzzy feelings you talked about.

It's an interesting thing to ponder...the instinct to flee to protect yourself from possible danger, that is so instinctual, and the act of helping, which makes you feel good and therefore may have more underlying selfish reasons than you might think. I think even Oprah said that once, LOL...the part about charity being actually selfish to some degree.

Thank you for sharing such a warm, heartfelt and compassionate story. Both you and your brother are compassionate people. This story gives us all something to reflect on even in these hard times. We shouldn't judge a person by how they look as we don't know their circumstances. The time may come when that person that looks poor and disheveled could be ourselves.

I think I'm in love with your brother. Don't tell my husband!

Seriously, wow. I have the same view on things. Who am I to get all righteous and judgy in the face of someone's obvious adversity? Compassion has to overrule our overworked ideas of morality sometimes, or we lose our humanity.

Thanks for a wonderful moment in my day!

Jess

When we go to NYC, I buy fresh fruit to keep in my coat pockets for those asking for money. I also often offer to buy them something to eat. If they turn it down, I assume they don't really need the money. I was taught not to give money to the homeless, but I still feel compelled to do SOMETHING.

Thanks for that one. It was a reminder that we always know the right thing to do...the hard part is doing it.

I stopped trying to decipher whether or not a homeless person was going to use my money for booze when I realized, if I had no home, no heat, no clean clothes... I'd want a fucking drink too. They can use it for whatever the hell they please, no matter what it is they need it more than me.

#75, Meredith, you need to read #82.

Thank you for this story, Heather. It touched my heart.

Thank you for the question and the story. Both were thought provoking. Keep up the wonderfully insightful writing.

I am the daughter of a bipolar paranoid schizphrenic mother who has tetered on the edge for most of my life. There was a point where she disappeared for close to two years and no one knew where she was. From what she can remember she was basically living as a homeless person and I have always hoped that people were kind to her every once in awhile. Because of this I tend to give money away more freely than my boyfriend would like. My mom is home now, as well as she will every be and we are thankful for that everyday.