It's pretty easy to see why you would consider your brother your hero. Thanks for sharing that story. As frustrated and scared as we can be right now, it's easy to see that things could always be worse.

R-amen, Heather. R-amen.

That was beautiful. I'll definetly be thinking twice when I see those people now. Especially when half my company is getting laid off even as I write this.

Cheers to your brother, and anyone as compassionate as he.

not to be a nerd, but it's not a rhetorical question since you were expecting an answer. :) it's just a hypothetical.

First time posting a comment here- I have to say I've been similarly saddened at my sometimes gut reaction to this same situation - my blue collar, all-about-work-ethic family would have you believe that every person out there begging is in that situation because they simply did not try hard enough. I like your side of things much better- a heartwarming story and certainly an inspiration.

Beautifully written. What a lovely story. Also, your brother sounds like a class act. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you so much for sharing that story with me. It made me feel both compelled and warm inside. I will always remember the first day I legally could drive. I was so excited to go to the mall or the movies and hang out without being escorted or picked up miles away that I was just putting along in my Camry. I saw a woman on the side of the road trying so hard to change her tire, a stones throw from the mall I was headed to where people were abundant. Had anyone stopped? No. She had the time to pull over, put emergency equiment out, get the jack under and get her car a foot off the ground before I pulled over to help. I felt so good being late to the movie that I didn't care that I missed the whole plotline. I just ate my popcorn and felt warm and fuzzy the rest of the night.

Thank you everyone who has made a persons day or night better just by saying "let me help."

I sure like you :) You make my heart smile.

Oh this made me tear up, in a good way.

I don't give to homeless people as much as I could or should. Living in NYC and seeing numerous people asking for money on the subway, I've gotten a little to used to it. Thanks for reminding me that although I'm unemployed at the moment, I've got a lot more than a lot of people.

Also, I broke up with my last boyfriend because of his lack of compassion and one of these things was that he hated homeless people. He was from Dallas and always complained that his last girlfriend 'saw angels in the eyes of bums'. Like that was such a horrific character flaw on her part. It's funny now that her fundamentalist mother indoctrinated her to see ANGELS everywhere, but at least it helps others.

Errr, thanks for this blog too. I've been reading for about 5 years and this is my first comment. You make me laugh.

The cynic in me is lost when I come across an outstretched hand and desperate eyes. I always imagine how I would feel if everyone turned their backs on me. I have to give because I don't understand who decided that I should have and the person asking shouldn't.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Dude, that got me all teary. That story was amazing and full of love. Thank you so much for sharing it Heather!!

This has touched me in many ways - more than I want to confess, even as an anonymous person here on this blog.

All I have to say is that this is beautiful, and this is so true, and I will try to remember this story every time I pass someone who is in an unfortunate situation in their life.

Thank you.

What a great story.

Isn't it great how the little things can make such an impression that will last your lifetime. You never know how your actions are affecting other people.

I agree.
I always thought, it doesn't matter what they do with the money, as long as it makes them happy. And if drinking until they're wasted, eating a big mac, or putting the money in a savings account makes them happy? Then I've helped make someone happy. Not my place to judge!

Wow Heather, thanks for sharing that. I had an opposite experience in college, when I was walking with a guy I'd been dating for a few months and gave change to a guy who asked for 50 cents (literally, that's all he asked for). After we'd moved past, my boyfriend said to me "You shouldn't do that, he might just use it to buy alcohol." I was really upset by this (though also kind of interested to know where I could get booze for 50 cents). The relationship ended soon after, and I remember that as one of the first rifts.

I work in nonprofit fundraising, and I'm all-too-familiar with the scrutiny that comes from someone giving you their money. We have to document and report the shit out of every foundation dollar we get. But the fact is, any charitable contribution is made with trust that the recipient will use it for a good purpose, and to refuse to give simply because you cannot absolutely control the use of the money is not in the spirit of charity. Your brother had it damn right.

thanks for sharing....your brother is good.

ps...is he single :)

I used to work in a Women's Centre in a rough area of my town where we had a clothing exchange for the women who would drop in. One day, a staff members saw one of our regulars selling clothes that she had received from our exchange on a corner not far from our Centre. This opened up a shit storm of debate among our staff and volunteers, about whether or not she should lose her rights to the clothing donations for selling what she had received for free.

I (and many of my co-workers) argued that it went against our mandate, and beyond our rights to dictate what our clients did with the donations once they walked out our doors. If that women needed 5 dollars more than she needed a pair of jeans, then by all means, let her make that trade. In another context, she would be called an entrepreneur. The dispute settled down, the woman came back to the clothing exchange without incident, and our clients maintained the right to do what they would with the resources they were given.

Another commenter after the first post pointed out that we are stroking our own egos when we try to impose our own ideals and attach strings to donations. I completely agree. Every individual knows better than anyone else what they need at that moment.

Thank you.

You can never know what that homeless person will do with the $20, in many cases probably waste it away, but if we can't have faith in others, and in ourselves, then what do we have? I like to think of a world where people are given chances. Where we can give that money because we realize we don't understand how that person got there and like you said, need it more than us. You never know where a kind gesture can lead in the great big scope of things.
Reminds me a bit of my sister. Here in Barcelona we have a lot of Indian/Pakistani immigrants who try to make some money selling roses downtown. She always buys the ugliest, most wilted one; ie, the one she know no one will buy.

kudos to you, heather and to ranger. we never know everything about anybody! we all need compassion sometimes.... so why shouldn't the next person who walks by me. wonderful post.

AMEN!!!

I wish I had a Ranger in my life!!!

Chris, the Only Child...

I remember, several years back, being in the parking lot at college and hearing a song/remix type thing called "Underwear Goes Inside the Pants" by Lazy Boy. I looked it up when I got home, and I will never forget this quote:

"This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him, then I thought, 'He's just going to use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, "That’s what *I’m* gonna use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?'"

As long as I can buy beer (and there are times I can't), I will never begrudge and I will never hold judgment. I and my husband, like almost everyone, are only one hard knock away from the same thing, and I won't ever forget that.

*THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE*

What a great story! I was relieved! I thought it was going to turn out like one of those Lifetime movies where your brother was awesome then he makes a mistake and becomes a crack addict and you do everything in your power to help him become the brother he was by lending him money for rehab.

Thank goodness that was not the story! Yours is much better and I will remember it if ever in the same situation. Good for him!

I feel the same way about giving to the homeless, because of a similar story. Except the source of my feeling about giving is from my mother, not my brother. Although, my brother is also one of my heroes!

Beautiful life lesson from your brother. It's their responsibility to choose what to do with the money and live with the results. It's our responsibility to give when we see true need.

Heather, that sweet story managed to summarize exactly how I feel about giving to the homeless. All I know is that when I look at someone in ragged clothes exposed to all sorts of weather - suffering, in a word, I don't really care why or how they got there. I just want to make their lives a little easier for them. Even if they are alcoholics or drug addicts, can't we be compassionate for someone with a problem SO BAD it made them homeless? Not too many people aspire to live like that, and I'd bet most of them would strive for better if only they knew where to start. Or if they had been afforded the privileges those of us in the middle class take for granted...a loving, supportive family, a chance for an education, and the security of knowing where all of your meals in the foreseeable future are coming from. We teach our children to see through these people instead. Can you imagine how amazing the world would be if we all stopped to care every now and then?

I have a tear in my eye after reading that story. Thanks for sharing, Heather. I often give homeless people money, and what they do with it is their business. One gal walked straight to the liquor store. I kind of envied her a bit, because of the freedom that she had to do that. I, on the other hand, had to go back to work. Would love to have joined her for a beer! Your blog is the bomb.

First time commenter. I loved this story! Thanks!

Word.

And add on to #57.

I forgot to say, great story Heather!!! Once again you've told a beautiful, thought provoking, well told tale.

Rock on sistah!

Thank you Heather.

I was raised in SoCal where you're taught to look the other way. If you make eye contact they'll just ask you for money that they'll then use to buy booze or drugs. I was taught that if you felt compelled to give them something than give them food not money. As far as I know there are no liquor stores where you can use a bunch of bananas to buy a fifth of cheap vodka.

Thanks for this post today. I really, really hope that this politically, economically and socially uncertain time will help us all to be more compassionate human beings. I originally thought you were writing about the buyout also, and, while it was a thoughtful metaphor, I'm glad it was about this story instead.

I love you, Dooce. You are an amazing person!

I have such a hard time, though, with this concept, because my family took in three newborn babies at various times whose mother was on welfare (they were all from the same mother) and used her welfare payments to get drugs that ruined these children's lives. I held them as they shook because they were having withdrawals from crack at just a few days old, and that image is forever burned in my mind... They were all adopted by my aunt, and they have such problems from the drugs and alcohol their mother took while she was pregnant. They will never be normal because of their mother.

I *want* to give these people money, but I just don't want to feed their addictions or help them to hurt their children. I'm still the person who has no idea what to do when she sees a homeless person. :(

thanks for this, for so many reasons. and to remind me how great it is to have an older brother... mine's pretty awesome too.

Like everyone else, I loved this story and wish I had a Ranger in my life (like Chris, I'm a Lonely Only). My immediate reaction to your hypothetical was to say of course, yes, absolutely I would give the money to both the starving family and the crack addict. The only thing that gave me pause was this:

A few years ago, my mom had a tire blow on the highway. She pulled over and (not having the proper equipment to change the tire herself), called Triple A. While she was waiting, a guy in an old van pulled up and asked if she needed help. He had the tool she needed in his van and offered to change the tire. When she said it wasn't necessary, that she had just called Triple A and he probably had more important places to be, he insisted. She tried to give him twenty dollars for his kindness and the time he took, and he refused. He said, "I used to be a drug addict and recently got clean. If you give me that twenty dollars I'll be too tempted to think about what I could do with it." She gave him three dollars instead and told him to buy himself a cup of coffee, which he accepted.

I guess when someone tells you they need the money you should trust them and let them do what they want with it, but after that story I'm always worried that a person is trying to get clean but my money will encourage them back into their own dangerous patterns.

But thanks for the story.

One of the things I really miss from my youthful innocence was the ability to look down my nose at people. It was really helpful in insulating myself from the poor, the weak, the downtrodden, etc. It allowed me to pretend that their problems could never happen to me, because I was smarter, better, more hard working, more responsible.

Then I grew up a little. Life knocked me around. Still is, actually. I discovered that those people are just like you and I, save some circumstances. That was when I truly started to understand the phrase "there but for the grace of God go I".

You know what else? I was always as hard on myself as I was on the people I was judging. By giving them a break, I gave myself a break. The right to make mistakes, to make poor decisions, and still feel like a rightful member of the human race. If I give someone $5, and they spend it on Mad Dog, and the escaped their misery for a few hours, then good for them. They deserved a break from despair. Just like I do.

Amen. I can live with the risk that the homeless person will use the money for liquor, and thereby take advantage of me. I cannot live with the risk that s/he needed the money for food, and I passed up the opportunity to help. I give every single time, no questions asked.

I was so so worried that Ranger was going to become a crack addict by the end of the story and you had to help his family that I had to go back and reread to fully appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing!

That's a great story, thanks for sharing. I respectfully disagree, but I understand your reasoning and part of me wishes I had the same optimism. My problem is that - yes - one out of 10 might take that money and put it to good use. But if that means there are nine others who put it to ill use - feeding their addiction, crime, etc - that becomes a burden on society. And I've created that burden.

I don't know what the answer is for the homeless and hungry problem in our country. I know it's not "Get a job!" But I don't think it's throwing money at them either. That said, I always give them food when I have it to spare, and always respect.

Dooooooooooooooooooce. You got tears. That story makes me yearn for the relationship I could have had with my brother if only I'd recognized when I was a kid what an awesome person he was. Instead, I treated him like shit, and now he's grown and probably not really interested in hearing me apologize. Sigh. I might try to though, anyway.

Thank you for the "rest of the story". I read your question last week and did not respond to it, but will say here that I would give money to the family and the crack head. This has nothing to do with my politics or anyone else's but more about how I felt at that moment and hoping when you help someone that maybe yours was the handout they used to buy the food or warm clothes for themselves or their children. That maybe an earlier handout paid for the beer or crack for that day and yours was the bonus that provided a life sustaining need.

I flew to Houston this last weekend to visit with my husband and adult sons who still live in Texas. On Monday of this week my husband and I drove to downtown Houston to see the devastation from hurricane Ike and was surprised how quickly windows have been replaced, debris removed or piled waiting to be removed. While walking around we were approached by a homeless gentleman. He proceeded to explain he had been stranded in Houston and was sleeping in the parks and was in need of medical care. Immediately my husband reaches into his pocket but before he pulls out the loose change or dollar bill the man says "no, no please wait until I finish". He proceeded to remove his left shoe to show us his toes and why he needed some ointment from the pharmacy to help what appeared to be a severe fungal infection, frostbite (from where I do not know since it was not freezing in Houston) or necrotic tissue from God knows what - his toes were black and swollen. I suggested he head for the Texas Medical Center to the emergency room for medical attention, gave him directions, and my husband dug deeper and handed him all the change and dollar bills that were in his pocket. He thanked us profusely and walked off. We later saw him riding on the handlebars of a bicycle and sort of headed in the direction of the medical center. I turned to my husband and wondered out loud if we were not the biggest suckers in the world and probably what we saw were really dirty, muddy toes. Did we feel fooish? A little. Would we do it again, yes, because at that moment we were able to help with a few extra bucks and just maybe he headed to a pharmacy and not the local liquor store or street corner drug dealer.

Thanks for this. Wish I could tell you how it helps me process all the craziness...a resounding "YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, MAN. YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!" Totally inspiring.

I agree totally, and I always get scolded by my co-workers when I give money to people on the street. I look at it this way: God has blessed me with money, shelter, food, etc., so it's not really "my" money to begin with. If someone asks me for a dollar or whatever, I'm okay with just giving it to them without worrying what they're going to use it for. I am not called to oversee how people spend their money. I am called to be generous...so I am!

I'm in tears reading this. My son is 3, and he'll often ask me questions about the people holding signs on the sides of the road. Sometimes, I stare straight forward and pretend they're not there - we all do it. Sometimes, though, I see that desparation in their eyes (and I'm glad it's not in mine), and I roll down the window and hand them whatever cash I have.

The other day, there was this gentleman hobbling in traffic. Our eyes met when he was in the lane next to mine. I waved him over and gave him a $20 - all I had. He actually began to cry, and so did I. As we drove away, my son asked if he was sad. I told him no, he was probably happier than he had been in a long time and that I was sad that he was out there. Then my son asked if the man would go into the grocery store we had just left to buy food. I told him that maybe he would or maybe he would take it home and give it to his family so they could have food. For the rest of the afternoon, we talked about this brief exchange, and I have a glimmer of hope that my son will have a full heart in this cynical world.

Have you read the book Anatomy of Peace? I just read it in the last year, and the whole premise is based on honoring your impulses. If you have the impulse to give some scruffy guy a $20 and you honor it, you'll be at peace. Sometimes you just don't need to have a reason other than "I wanted to."

I agree with you 100%. I have this argument with a friend all the time. I always say it's better to err on the side of charity. If this person is scamming you, then that's on their conscience, not yours. Trying to help someone is never wrong.

Heather, this is enlightening. Thank you.
But I would also like to chime in on what Denver, CO is doing in an effort to curb this "street-corner" begging.

I too struggle with your dilemma, like so many others, and I agree with your situation and solution, BUT, what Denver has done is to try and head this off and provide, 1) a community solution to this epidemic, and 2) give us compassionate/wishy-washy givers an excuse NOT to just hand over our money to these people.

Denver has set up what look like parking meters that accept money like the old-fashioned coin meters. This money goes to fund homeless and indigent programs that offer food and shelter for these "beggars."

I hope I am not coming across as ignorant or heartless. I am just frustrated that someone (sometimes 3-4 people) every block can bug you for cash and you have no idea what your money is being used for-they could be pocketing five figures per year. And hey, maybe it doesn't matter as long as you feel good about your actions.
Thanks for listening

Jenn # 10: I think by 'rhetorical,' Heather meant that the answer should be obvious.

Couldn't have said it better. I have friends that when I do give, they ask me what will I do if they use it for drugs... I tell them that charity begins and ends with me giving the money. I shouldn't propose to judge the validity of what they need it for.

I also get 'impulses" when I see certain people asking for money. It's some sort of instant connection and before I know it I'm opening my wallet for them. For some reason it doesn't happen to everyone, just certain people. Not sure what it is, I just get a deep gut feeling that they TRULY need it.

Oh, and PPS. I didn't mean that I wish I would question all...I meant that I wouldn't question anyone and give without questioning for the sake of giving. That's all. OK, bye.

This is wonderful. Yet ANOTHER reason to send fan email. :)

D ~ So behind your harsh/raw exterior there is a warm heart! I hope Leta gets to experience those kind of examples too. Great story, D, great story.

I have a friend who worked a lot with people without homes in the past. She shared two great pieces of insight with me in the first few months after I'd met her:
1. They're people first. No matter what you're talking about--autism, homeless, adopted--they're people first. Which is why I won't call them "homeless people" anymore. That puts the homeless first.
2. Don't discriminate. Guessing whether someone really will use the money for food or drugs instead isn't a fair judgement. In fact, it's a discriminatory judgement. She suggested instead to devise a plan and stick to it. Give money to everyone or not at all. My personal choice has been to give food if I have it to someone begging. That way I KNOW what the end result will be: That person will get fed. If I don't have food, I appologize for not having any. My friend has gone as far as taking people to lunch with her, but I am not as gracious as she. Either way, she's been a great influence in my life and I know she'd want me to share her ideas with you.

I love your blog! Keep up the good fight :)

that story was beautiful.
my husband has always been the guy that hands a $20 to someone on a street corner, too. one evening, a man told us a tale about needing an alarm clock and my husband handed him everything in his pocket...much more than the alarm clock i'm sure.
no questions.
no comments.
that was when i really fell in love.
it is such an awesome sight to see people helping others. isn't it?

I don't have someone like that who inspired me but I've been broke and hungry and have always been helped. Now that I can I have the impulse to give to whomever asks. Does that make me a Rube? Probably. Do I care? No I do not.

Great story.

I read "Travels with Lizbeth" years ago, a memoir by a man who became homeless (I think because of medical bills). He wrote that many people were often worried that if they gave him money when he was panhandling, he'd spend it on liquor and drugs. And really? Many of us drink to "take the edge off" at the end of a relatively stress-free day, certainly stress-free when compared to being homeless. It made me more cautious about being so judgmental. Just a little.

yep, what you said.

I totally agree.

I go nuts when I hear people say "I will not vote Democrat, because they give my money to lazy people".

I really respect your point of view. I used to share this view, but unfortunately after working in social work for the last four years I've become jaded. I now know from experience that four out of five times you try to help someone out and give them money or resources they use it in some way that isn't in their (or their childrens) best interest. It used to be enough that the one person did, now I find myself being really angry that the majority don't.

It is nice to read things like this and know that not everyone shares my crappy, pessimistic, burned out point of view. I hope to find my way back to your side one way or another.

Thank you! What a great example your brother's story is to all of us...

Thanks - you made a difference today.

I live in DC, and the homeless are so prevalent around here that I confess to having become used to seeming them, to the point that I've almost stopped seeing them. If that makes sense.

One day a couple of years ago, I was walking by a man sitting on the ground and he had a sign that said "Please help even though I'm worthless."

I walked by and didn't say anything. But at the next street corner I started to cry at the very idea of how callous I'd become. I walked back and held out $5 instead of putting it in his cup and when he finally made eye contact I just said "You're not worthless."

I felt more human in that moment that in any since, honestly.

Beautiful, thought-provoking story. You (for writing this) and your brother (for doing it) are good examples for all of us. That "you'll never know" line killed me.

Haven't we all been in that desperate place, when everything looks impossible, and one random act of kindness (even a friendly cashier smiling) flips a switch and gives us the courage to continue on?

p.s. Jen in comment 134? I just started crying AGAIN.

Heather-I am so glad a friend introduced me to your blog. In the few months I have been reading, I can't count the number of times I have been moved to tears or laughter by your thought-provoking posts, hilarious parenting/ relationship/dog stories, and your awesome political rants (please don't stop!). You have an amazing sense of humor, are an incredibly talented writer and photographer, and have great taste. I truly can't wait to go to your page every day :)

In Boston one cold night a few years ago, I came out of my gym near Copley Square and as I walked to my car a man asked me for money. "If I have $____ I can get the T. to Cambridge and I think get a room in the shelter there, the ones here are full, I already have $___, I only need $___ more." (Sorry, I am forgetting precise amounts. The bottom line was he still needed about $5.) Self-styled urban sophisticate that I was, I mumbled a hurried "no, thank you, (my ridiculous stock answer to panhandlers then) and passed him by. Behind me I heard him say "Oh, PLEASE." Not like he expected anything to come of it, but just sort of quietly and resignedly. He was a handsome, dignified-looking African American man in a clean trench coat -- obviously someone who had lived a better life at some point-- and I had made him beg. I stopped, went back and as he watched I opened my wallet. I didn't have a five. I had a ten, and a couple ones. I gave him the ten. I said, "This will get you a bite of dinner as well. I'm sorry I was discourteous. Please forgive me." He thanked me of course, and said no forgiveness necessary of course --- BUT, I will never, ever forgive myself for making him beg. I can still hear his voice saying, "Oh, please." Give when you can, what you can. No questions asked. That's my new philopsophy. Thanks for the story, Heather.

I love this post. It's once of my favorites of yours so far.

Reading this was like reading my own words... I had a very similar experience, and today, I feel that conflict if I do or do not, give to someone asking for money....

Thanks for posting it...I hope next time I don't feel like hesitating ...

This reminds me of a moment that has haunted me for the last four years. I was on study abroad in London, sitting in a park with my friends having a takeaway lunch. A sickly-looking, dirty, emaciated girl who looked to be about our age came up to us asking for money. We all said no and she wandered away. Later on that day I was wracked with guilt for being so cold to another human being when I have so much that is just handed to me. Ever since, I have wished I could redo that moment and give her some money, my lunch, my sweatshirt--anything. It's an important lesson to learn and I'm so glad that you had your brother to teach it by his own fabulously compassionate example.

I wanna give your brother a hug!!! That's a great story -- not just about charity, but also about family, and the ripple effect that our actions have. Your brother was just being a good guy, and it sounds like he was born that way. But his action had this other effect, which was to deeply impress and inspire his baby sister, who grew up to write about it on this blog that's read by hundreds of thousands of people, and who will (no doubt) instill that same lesson in her daughter. THAT makes me all warm and fuzzy and chokes me up, maybe even more than the original story.

I think a lot of readers missed the point of your story -- its not about how to give away money, or how much, or when its appropriate.

Its about: (1) connecting with other people, whether they are strangers or family, and (2) recognizing that the manner in which you live your life has effects beyond anything you can contemplate in a given moment.

I love it.

"aren't we all beggars?" i always try to give. i would rather be wrong about a positive judgement. God can judge me on my willingness to give and i'll let Him judge the beggar for what he does with the donation. bums often beg at the stoplight coming out of the grocery store. i often don't have cash but i'll give a bag of chips and some fruit. a popcicle on a hot day can bring a smile to their face.
and i still pay my tithing and fast-offerings.
the only time i refused was to some hippies with a sign that read, "travelling, need $." seriously? get a job and pay for your own vacation like the rest of the contributing society does.

Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with the above post, and everything to do with the current "daily chuck" photo, which does not allow comments -

WHAT IF CHUCK AND COCO ARE SECRETLY IN LOVE??????? WHAT THEN???

I've been reading you for some years now. You are at times crazy, obnoxious, and very often just plain overreacting.
And you're human, more than most others I know, and this post makes very clear that you are above all a good person. Which is wonderful. Thanks!

I'm always torn about giving money to beggers --

1st I have been scammed many times when younger in NYC & also here in Houston. Having my cell phone stolen by letting someone use it who said they were desperate, giving money to a begger and then seeing him climb into his NICE car and drive away (when his "shift" was over?)

2nd I give money to charity, carefully, where I think it might actually help and make a difference, which makes me feel better about not looking at them individually. Not a lot better but enough to live with myself.

The problem is that I DO want to help, but it's so overwhelming to look at all the people out there and think about how you can't help them all. I can't give money to all the people who constantly ask for help, I'd be bankrupt!

But I help as much as I can, and do what I can to be sure that the money I give does go to real help -- food or shelter rather than scammers.

Thanks for talking about this Heather! I don't agree with your political views in this election, but I respect your opinion and the heart behind it.

Man, aren't we cynical for assuming it was a veiled reference to the government?

Excellent post, Heather.

I'm a