Pay attention, this one's complicated
Several months ago when we had Coco fixed the vet sent us home with a packet of information that included a giant red piece of paper covered in a warning about how important it was to make sure that the dog did not lick her own wound. They even gave us a tiny plastic cone to put around her neck just in case she fixated on it, and on the drive home Jon wondered out loud, "They didn't say anything about whether or not it was okay for anyone else to lick her wound."
"By anyone else, do you mean Chuck?" I asked hopefully.
"By anyone I mean anyone. What are they implying by the absence of that stipulation?"
"They are implying that they trust you have two brain cells to rub together."
It was around this time that I brought up the subject of edamame on this website, and many readers suggested that we put together an instructional video on how we cook and eat them. And we shot some footage that night, we certainly did, but other things have occupied our attention since then — SILHOUETTE OF MICHAEL PHELPS' ABDOMEN, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE, BREAST STROKE — and Jon was all, this is entirely unfair, it's not like Kate Walsh got dressed up in a tiny bikini and gyrated her perfectly toned body through a pool every night for a week, ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION, and he drew up a letter to the Universe and called it several names that I don't think Harvey Keitel would agree to say out loud in a movie.
So while I was watching every single minute of the swimming portion of the Olympics Jon edited all the footage together and we finally have ourselves a video. He wants you to note a few things before viewing, however:
1. His hair is post nap.
2. His hair and Coco’s hair: matching.
3. My pronunciation of “Jon” is something he hears about 30 times an hour, thus he has developed selective hearing. I call it willfully ignoring me.
4. Leta had a very minor meltdown involving the snap-out portion of her princess magnets; not the magnets themselves, the snap-out holder thingy which he mended with tape. During editing he cut out the footage of us both standing over the pot of boiling water wondering aloud whether or not the sound of our daughter wailing in the other room is what people would refer to as neglect.
5. Behold: mind-blowing special effects. If you blink you'll miss the part where I run screaming from the house because his hair looks like this.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
301. Knitbug said:
I had to watch the video without sound (at work) and it was still super. I'm also totally grateful for this fantastic tutorial as I'm completely embarrassed to admit that my first time cooking edamame was less than stellar. I tried eating the whole thing, outer casing and all. Ick.
So thank you!
302. Dana said:
Your blog needs the kudo system. I would like to award you some kudos but have nothing really new to add to the 300+ other comments. However, I didn't want you seeing all those video views and thinking that some semi-anonymous lookie loo didn't enjoy the talents of the Armstrong clan.
So to sum up, I approve. Especially of the wound licking.
303. Katie said:
That was so funny. The part where Jon was "licking" the dog? Too classic. The rapport between you and Jon so reminds me of me and my husband. Except you are funnier, of course.
304. Undomestic Diva said:
Oh so I get it, licking the wound of a dog before eating edamame is sorta like licking the salt before taking the shot.
Epiphany!
305. The Diva on a Diet said:
I've long suspected the use of dogs in certain ethnic cuisines. Thanks for the confirmation.
Favorite part: "Its bad for the environment. Mom, its bad for the environment!"
Awesome.
306. Nicole said:
Hilarious! If I've said it once, I'll say it again. I think we could be best friends.
And the video comes at perfect timing - after a short hiatus, I had edamame yesterday and it was all deliciousness.
307. Erika said:
Dang. I actually watched it twice, at different times in the day. I don't know. I just think that the Armstrong family makes for good entertainment. Kinda like my own family. Except we are, you know, not on the web. Yeah.
308. Tracy said:
You should check out www.mormonsexposed.com I swear it's not porn (well not REAL porn)
309. Claudious said:
Wow... just the thought of him actually licking the wound has me gagging.
You have such a nice voice.
310. bohica said:
I love that the only people who offer flame views are the ones who are signed as, "Anonymous". HAHAHAHA
I also love that there are people in here who seem to think there were, "serious" elements to this; positively cracks me up. I think that might be the funniest part of the entire thing. However, loved the video. "Don't lick the wound." Hysterical.
Simple humour is lost on philistines.
311. slackermommy said:
That rocks! Until now I didn't know you can buy frozen edenames. My kids love them and they usually have a severe aversion to any food that is green naturally.
312. Becky said:
That is downright hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I could not stop laughing when you kept going over to him as he is licking the wound!!! I would have peed my pants had I been the one holding the camera.
313. Kris said:
I love that song at the end. I listen to that in the morning when I need to feel like I'm a cool sexy gangster/thief living in Rome, running from the cops and stealing a trillion dollar egg, instead of the loser I am going to my loser dead end job from which dooce is a welcome, if brief, respite. Sigh.
314. Suzanne said:
Crazy question but the bag says steamers on it? Is there a reason that you are boiling them instead of just steaming them in the microwave?
315. Jo said:
OK, so when I read this earlier, I didn't watch the video because I know how to make edamame and because someone on TV was saying something that I didn't want to miss. And I couldn't figure out what Coco's wound had to do with anything. Then I came back today and watched the video.
Eeew.
Funny, but eeew.
316. Nicole said:
That was so funny. I hate it when I LOL at work and my co-workers have to ask me what's wrong and I have to admit I was not working. I seriously love your blog. Your last several entries have been the best. Thank you for making my day a little funnier.
317. northerngurl said:
Now that I know edamame tastes better than a wound, I'm gonna run out and get me some.
318. youngertwin said:
A while ago was at a store looking for edamame and could not find it, so i stopped a teenage stocker and asked him where it was located. He led me to the produce department, of which i had already search. He looked around and could not find it so he whipped out his cell phone and called his buddy that was the produce stocker and asked him "Dude, do you know where we keep the "effin-mama"?
It was hysterical, and from that point forward edamame is now know as effin-mama among my friends and family.
319. HippieChyck said:
you are cleary married to an edamame god. seriously you guys should put together a series of cooking 101 vids and sell them to student associations for college kids.
320. April said:
The comments crack me up even more than the video, and the video had me in stitches (ha get it, stitches, wounds..I'm hilarious). Some people are really quite bothered by the whole roiling thing, even though it is a perfectly valid and correct word. Roiling, rolling, potato, patato, who cares! The important thing is we all learned something about wound licking.
321. BoatSailor said:
The internet says roiling and rolling are both correct - the later being more modern in usage….hey, hey I wouldn't make it up - look it up!!
http://www2.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/mwdictsn?va=roiling
http://www.recipetips.com/glossary-term/t--34064/rolling-or-roiling-boil...
BTW - I have a 13 year old son. Just after Heather’s comments at time 3:08-3:11 or so he and all his buddies would have all YELLED, “THAT’s WHAT SHE SAID!!!”
AND, Heather what would Jon do without you to guide him??? What would any of us males do without our females to guide us?? Surely we would fall into little puddle-piles of useless laziness without you. Sigh.
You guys are all even better in person (via vid) than via blog. Imagine that… Heather’s, “…it’s boiling you need to hurry…” directive and Jon’s, “wo, wo wo…it’s boiling so I need to hurry because it’s…going…to..stop…boiling???… I don’t think so” response are priceless.
Posted this on blurbomat yesterday. Fifty comments there. Seven gillion here. Wow.
Brad
322. alex said:
The BEST part? Fight scenes, by the same guys who did The Matrix!
323. gorky said:
Have you guys ever made this together before? Because it seemed like you each have your own special approach to this complex dish.
Tell Jon that in today's America - twelve ounces IS a pound.
324. val cox said:
you guys are great together, love the video!
325. Heather said:
I have never commented before, but I feel the need to tell you that I tell my four year old daughter "No, I want you to say the WHOLE THING nice" about eleventy million times a day. I feel so vindicated now.
326. danielle said:
i'll have to try that! sans dogs of course.
327. Anonymous said:
You have gas and granite countertops. I'm sooooo jealous!
328. ...loveMaegan said:
You're totally right about the boiling water. ...and MORE salt after ...less salt in the pot!
329. hmh said:
just saw this michael phelps tshirt and it's pretty hilarious. holy zeitgeist or what: http://casagrande.posterous.com/camiseta-do-michael-phelps
330. Melissa said:
So back on your comments of who your husband resembles...I was thinking John Corbett for some reason. Will you go along with that?
331. chanda said:
THAT was freekin' hysterical as well as educational!
Sundance, here come the Armstrongs!
332. Jack and Jill Put Up A Blog said:
Hilarious. You guys crack me up. Bring on the salt! Also, add some fresh shredded Parmesan cheese. Yummy.
333. Michele said:
Since I'm commenter (commentator?) 300+, there's no chance in H-E-double hockey stick that you'll ever read this, but what the hell...
First of all, it's a "rolling" boil.
Secondly, you should add the salt after the water comes to a boil, to prevent damaging the bottom of your pans.
Thirdly, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. Or I thought so before the credits, which were even funnier. (You should check out Whoopee making tea sometime. You all could do a kitchen/cooking series.)
Since you already live in Utah (like that makes a difference), I think you should submit this film to Sundance next time around. Maybe you could get Robert Redford to introduce it.
334. Stephanie Heathcote said:
Heather! Check your email for quite possibly the most mind-boggling article about Michael Phelps ever! I sent you the link :)
335. Heidi said:
H I L A R I O U S!!!! More videos, please!
336. Anonymous said:
Hilarious! Especially Heather adding "a little bit more".
I just showe the bag from the freezer into the microwave, nuke 2x3 minutes and salt it afterwards.
hanni
337. Kathy said:
Wound Licking would be a great name for a band. They could open for Hole.
338. Ashley said:
Long time reader (FOR YEARS), first time commenter.
Loved the video.... and will try this "dish".
You must make more cooking videos (with added wounds, of course)
339. Anonymous said:
How's your cholesterol?? Maybe the wound gunk counteracts the salt.
Fun blog. Hey and what's that cool red and blue thing in your living room background? Very cool!
340. Jaxon said:
The credits were so hilarious!
341. Karen said:
I'm not sure if you are okay with me putting a link in my comment, but just wanted to tell you that it is a good thing YOU were Jon's co-host, rather than Kathie Lee... Sam the Cooking Guy actually kind of looks like Jon, but he's like Jon on crack... (just google Sam the Cooking Guy and Today Show if you don't want to click on my link).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov9k_yABNHU
342. Holland said:
Loved it. I too am from Tennessee so I understood every word you said. I didn't know whether to vom in my mouth a little or laugh hysterically at Jon licking the wound part. Nice touch though, classy.
343. Christie said:
AHAHAHAHAHHA! Thanks, that was awesome.
344. Patti said:
Thoroughly enjoyed your film. I want to make this tonight so I have to figure out how much Edamame to use as I have 1 very small dog and it looked like you may have added 2 medium.
345. Kim said:
What, in the name of dog wounds is Edamame....seriously...what in Coco's name is it??
346. Marcie said:
oh my god, you guys are fucking hilarious!
347. Sybann said:
You mean to tell me there are peeps that don't know all you have to do with edamame is heat it up?
348. robyn said:
"are you calling the jews cheap?"
Priceless!
349. Shana said:
I would like you to know that I am blaming you for my rekindled addiction to edamame AND also for my now constant craving for MY OWN PANCAKE. I WANT MY OWN PANCAKE!
350. Salome said:
It's a shame you made that wisecrack: "are you saying Jews are cheap". I never expected anything like that from you and I've been enjoying your blog since 2004. OUCH.
351. Anonymous said:
check out this article about MICHAEL F---KING PHELPS! Or what he eats.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080819.wlphelps20/B...
352. Khali said:
I had to de-lurk to say this post cracked me up. I really needed it today.
And yes, you can get Edamame in Canada! In fact I think I may go get some now.
Cheers!
353. Suzanne said:
Love the save the planet bit. However, you might do more by tossing a cover on that pot/pan - it will boil faster!
355. Courtney Smith said:
I really hope I can have this much fun with my husbad.
you guys are hilarious!
356. LeeAnne said:
hmmmm. I just don't get this. I usually laugh out loud- for real- I LOL - but this is just not funny.
boooooring. I was truly hoping for something better than what already happens in my house.
My little Courtney would love your little Leta- same age within 4 days.. too bad we live in Boston. They are the same princess 4.5 yr olds- We're fun. You'd love us. And we don't even eat Edamame -try canned Beets.
ps..If you wake up one day and your kitchen is missing, you'll find it in my house in Boston! Loooove it..
(exactly how wheezie says it)
357. 2kids3martinis said:
Love the dog content...so very applicable! :) Of course, bovine:beef stew, dogs:edemamae
358. Anonymous said:
Loved It! Want More! And it's ROLLING BOIL!! :)
359. Di said:
OMG... and to think I was spending so much time at PW.... she's a bore and you ROCK! More videos please. I love the Seinfeld-ish-ness feel of this video.
360. Jennifer said:
The best part of that video was Leta crying in the back ground. That is the soundtrack of EVERY PARENT'S LIFE.
361. Haley said:
Dear Leta-
You have the coolest parents ever. Remember that.
362. Caren said:
That was freaking awesome!
363. karyn said:
If you had put a lid on the pot it would have boiled quicker - and that would have been good for the environment.
PS..my husband swears that dog lick cures tinea. that's all i'm saying about that.
364. Haley said:
I got so excited to comment that I posted an incorrect homepage. Lets try again.
365. Jen said:
LOVED the licking the wound part. Funny
And the adding the dogs.
Not at all what I expected. Very fun!
366. abigail said:
heatherB
i had my own flight of obsessions during my nightly spectating rendezvous of MPhelps...only it was on wanting to know where the heck his father was during this monumental time i his life. Tonight...mystery solved:
http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/Th...
So sad.
also, did you catch the story NBC covered on Han Meilin the artist of the official olympic mascots this year? They are so freegin adorable...
http://en.beijing2008.cn/spirit/beijing2008/graphic/n214068254.shtml
god bless you and yours
abigail from Charlotte NC
367. D said:
wow, he really does look like david gregory.
368. hello haha narf said:
CRAVING edamame right about now. thanks for that.
:)
369. funkfugiyama said:
A nice try at video production. Keep it up, I think you've got the right ideas going. Just an FYI, headless talking bodies on video (without even mentioning "real life"), are void of interaction with viewers.
370. JJ said:
More videos! That was hilarious. Feels like home.
It's a "rolling" boil - unless you're drinking bourbon, apparently.
And now your voice is available on the internet actually saying, "Put it in there! All of it!" Should make for some interesting remixes...
371. daisy said:
I have *both* those colanders too! Even the rust!
372. Cathi said:
Sadly, all I got was that you and I have the same granite.
Oh yes, edamame, no I may not. I am a human visitor, I think.
373. Maile said:
SECRET INGREDIENT:
you are missing a secret ingredient if you want to make it authentic. Put a handful of star anise in with the salt. You are using too much water!!!
374. Kile said:
Encore! Encore! *raucous applause* Btw....isn't it a roiling boil?
375. michelle said:
you are both just too funny...I love it..I love you guys.....also..some things to add...I believe they make human size cones so people refrain from licking the wounds of their pets..I saw them on youtube..also I believe its "rolling boil"...I saw that on youtube aswell...
Looking forward to the next short film..and definately looking forward to trying some of that Edamane..yumm-o-!!
take care and happy cooking and licking...
376. michelle said:
sorry...forgot to add one last thing...I bet it's not too often you get to hear Jon say...( and on tape to boot )..
" NO HEAD, NO HEAD "
377. Sue said:
TOTALLY hilarious... :)
378. AJ said:
OK, I don't have the energy to read all 377 comments right now (dang you're popular!) so I need to ask this: Has anyone else pointed out to you two that you bought "steamers" vegetables? Like as in, for the microwave? Probably would have been much easier than wating for the ROLLING boil to take place. I bet you eat out a lot. ;-)
379. Kerri said:
Laughed all the way through. Testing waters for your own reality show? Life With Dooce? We Are Armstrong? Tell your people in Cali to just run with it. We'll watch it. :)
380. Craig said:
Ya'll rock. The hardest core.
381. Marie said:
What music did you use?
382. Anonymous said:
Jon has the music credits on his blog post at blurbomat.com:
"The opening track is “Ascension To Virginity” by Dave Grusin. The closing title track is “What R We Stealing” by David Holmes. Both are on the Ocean’s Twelve OST."
383. Anonymous said:
I'm totally telling my boyfriend that making videos together is now a requirement for our relationship.
384. Anne Murphy said:
I just saw the pic of Leta above. What an ugly little troll child. +Shudder+