Why our next dog will be a sea monkey
About two weeks ago I took both dogs to the vet in preparation for their upcoming trip to the kennel. Chuck needed to get updates on a few vaccinations, and Coco just needed a general check-up, although I did hope that they would maybe listen to her heartbeat or take her temperature and ask, "Has she been rather awful lately? Because there is a medical reason for that." And then give her a pill that would make her stop being such a frequent dickwad.
In the days leading up to that vet visit I had noticed Coco scratching her right ear violently and often walking around with her head tilted in that direction. I didn't know if she had water in her ear or if she had damaged it in any way, so I knew I would bring that up with the vet. I just had to get Coco into the building first. Not so easy when in the parking lot she suddenly remembered that this was the building where she had had her ovaries removed. And I can totally understand her reaction, it would be weird to wake up from a sedative I had not willingly taken only to find out that someone had hacked into my reproductive organs. And here you are bringing me back to the building where that happened? Do not be surprised then when I start growling, barking, and then pissing my pants from the anxiety. In fact, be glad I don't start talking shit about your mom.
To make matters worse, Chuck loves the vet. In fact, the vet is perhaps Chuck's favorite place in the world if you don't count the butthole of every dog he's ever met. He knows when we're blocks away from that building and will start howling with anticipation once he realizes where we're going. So there I am in the parking lot, one dog yanking the leash away from the building, the other dog jumping three feet at a time into the air because he can't wait to get in, me in the middle purposefully not making eye contact with anyone because then maybe they won't notice that I exist or that there is a circus going on around me. Only thing missing that would have made it a more perfect moment was that small but vocal segment of the Internet standing two inches from my face with their arms folded across their chests chanting YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!
I finally get them both into the lobby where a handful of other dogs are standing patiently beside their owners, at least until Coco's uneasy energy sets off a round of hysterical barking. And then Chuck, Our Walking Teddy Bear, He Who Only Barks When Thoroughly Provoked And Even Then Only If He's On His Period, sees a fur ball of a puppy across the room, one who is maybe four months old if even that advanced in age, and he goes berserk, starts growling from the bottom of his lungs so that it sounds like some sort of demonic goblin. And if at all possible Coco's barking gets even more high-pitched as if to say SEE? SEE? THIS PLACE IS APPALLING. Yes, appalling. Because THERE ARE PUPPIES HERE. Is your situation not ghastly enough? Want to make it really horrific? THROW IN SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES.
This goes on for what seems like, wait, it's STILL going on, and not two minutes after I get them settled down I start to relax a little bit only to have a little person walk through the door, a perfectly polite little person who says a friendly hello to everyone in the room. And just then Coco lunges and starts growling at her as if she had just walked into Coco's pasture and stolen one of her sheep. Which I am supposing is the worst thing that could happen to a sheep dog: steal one of the things that they are trying to keep track of and watch their head explode. Want to see Coco go nuts? Invite three friends over and send one of them to the bathroom. That trick never gets old.
I immediately text message Jon: "Our dogs are awful. Also, Coco is a bigot."
When we finally get back to an examination room I ask the doctor if they can take a look inside Coco's right ear. She says no problem, and within mere minutes of taking the dogs back to address their respective concerns she returns to tell me that they have found a foxtail inside her ear. A large one. Larger than they have ever pulled out of a dog's ear. And because she is so anxious they're going to have to sedate her a bit in order to get it out. I imagine that if Coco were capable of a single coherent thought she'd be panicking that this time they were going in for the kidneys. So that they could sell them on Craigslist.
I wait for over 45 minutes and begin to wonder if maybe that foxtail is as big as a grain silo. The doctor finally returns with both dogs, Chuck high from all the attention, Coco a mad, pacing mess of nerves. She shows me the gigantic foxtail they removed and talks me through the procedure, and the whole time Coco circles the room crying. That crying goes on for another five hours, from the moment we leave the examination room, through the lobby of the building, out into the parking lot, along the entire ride home, and then as she tries to find a comfortable spot on the sofa? No. The bed? No. The floor? No. How about the sofa again? No. Oh FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DOG. PICK A SPOT AND STICK WITH IT. You can cry all you want, I will even hold your head while you do it, I just cannot take the pacing, pacing, pacing. Suddenly I'm seeing why people adopt turtles.
She finally calms down when she falls asleep for the night, and the following morning she's as chipper as ever, jumping straight from the floor and landing directly on Jon's crotch to say good morning. We're exhausted from the emotional crying jag and everything else we've had to get done before our week long trip away from home, and so we both absentmindedly fall asleep thinking that the other one is keeping track of Coco. THAT NEVER ENDS WELL. Pretty much if I ever begin a sentence with, "But I thought Jon was watching her," you can assume that the story ends with all of us dying.
This time it was worse. She crapped all over the kitchen floor.
And not just a little crap. A WHOLE LOAD OF CRAP. BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF CRAP. A PACIFIC OCEAN OF CRAP. From the point of origin (the middle of the kitchen dog bed), all the way along the floor, up onto two stainless steel planters and the dishwasher, all over five cabinet doors, and ending in her food bowl. IN HER FOOD BOWL. OF COURSE IN HER FOOD BOWL. That's probably where she was headed all along and is now pissed that she wasted so much of it on the dirty kitchen floor. Can't eat that shit now CAUSE IT'S BEEN ON THE FLOOR.
I don't even know where I'm going with this story other than to say that Jon repeatedly asked me that morning what I thought Coco had eaten to make her sick like that, and I kept giving him this really evil look like ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? She didn't get sick from eating something, she got sick because for several hours the day before she thought she was going to die. Do you know what that kind of stress does to your system? You and I can knock back a bourbon, but Coco? COCO DOESN'T HAVE BOURBON. SPRAYING SHIT SEEMS LIKE A REASONABLE ALTERNATIVE.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
303. Amy said:
Awwww poor puppy.
304. Dani said:
You just described every trip I've ever made to the vet with my 2 dogs. The only difference is it's my female dog who loves the vet & the male that gets so much anxiety he becomes incontinent.
Sea Monkeys good call. DO NOT GET RABBITS. Trust me on this.
305. Sarah said:
There are really very few things as funny as dogs— especially dogs who are a little bit on the crazy side. This story left me laughing out loud, only because I can completely relate!
306. Kim said:
Seriously, you're going to get me fired... my boss can hear me laughing hysterically all the way down the hall! I'm sorry for your torture, but if you really want me to have that "I feel bad" look on my face, you have to make the story less funny. ;)
307. Molly Amanda said:
You make me laugh!
308. Kathryn said:
speaking as someone with a golden retriever with stress induced colitis - I so know what waking up to poop spray is like, mixed with a healthy dose of blood and mucus just for fun
NASTY
thank goodness you're cute, I tell my dogs each and every day, or they would most certainly be out on the street
309. laura said:
As to Rambo..yeah i had a huge crush on him too..well more on Rockie but...So i understand completely.
And the above post is so why i have cats!
310. Karin said:
That was hysterical! Sorry - not for you so much. I'm amazed that you were able to text Jon while at the Vet! You're the uber-multi-tasker!
311. Courtney said:
I just wanted to say that I really feel your pain. I've been there and worse. Several times.
312. Jenny said:
Just read through the comments, and two things are apparent.
1. You have very loyal readers who think you are the funniest thing on earth.
2. Many of them have bladder control issues.
313. Lisa said:
Dogs are not children, they are animals. I think the Dog Whisperer would agree.
DOGS SLEEP OUTSIDE = LESS SHIT INSIDE.
:)
314. wendy said:
I have no flipping idea what a foxtail in a dog's ear is. Is it a plant? Are you messing with us?
315. NES said:
You might try a few drops of Rescue Remedy as a mild tonic for Coco's hysterics (yep, there's a tiny bit of alcohol content). Works for humans and pets.
Also, perhaps this is against your code, but maybe your "daily chuck" photo should now and then provide a visual companion to stories like today's. Just so we really, REALLY see your pain.
316. Yecats said:
ugh. i know this scene well (the poop scene, that is). the most recent event in my home (cats, 2, one VERY old and deaf, the other very young and crazy) it seemed that i must have missed the "abstract art with cat shit" postings. and to think i thougth i was long past "omg that's gross...". nope. i thought i was going to shit my own pants (oh yeah, forgot to mention...i was on my way to the loo)and yak all at the same time. afterwards, it was fucking funny as shit (excuse the pun), but not so funny that i didn't go upstairs ranting to these cats "ok, which one of you meatheads wiped your ass on the wall?" of course, the only response was "where is our treat mommy?" did i mention i also had a crying 8 month old in the back ground, desperate to put her hand in cat shit for the very first time? funny. funny. funnnnnnnnyyyyyy. sort kinda not.
317. EGM said:
I once tried to wrestle Atticus, my Great Dane, into the vet while six months pregnant and also holding the hand of my three-year-old. Let's just say she ended up running out into six lanes of Houston traffic, somehow didn't get hit, and it ultimately took three vet techs and me to get her in the door.
Now she's six years old and has some bizarre digestive disorder, and I am all too familiar with the never-ending diarrhea trail through the house. We've thrown away rugs because, you know, sometimes the shit just won't come out.
She's just lucky that I love her as much as my children.
318. stella said:
LOL. Heather you continue to crack me up and thank god you are back home. Your fans have missed your humor and your life.
I am going to look up Foxtail because I have no idea what the heck that is??
319. Eve said:
Poop is gross.
320. Melis said:
The craziest stuff happens to you!! Poor Coco-- she shat out of sheer anxiety and misery.
I had to take our pup Chester (see my blog for a super cute pic of the boy-dog) to the vet this morning for a neutering appt. Reading your story makes me just about sick with apprehension as to what I will have to deal with this afternoon when I pick him up. His big thing is exposing his red rocket and shooting pee as far as he possibly can. He will even stand on his hind legs to do this, so as to
achieve a higher form of force and velocity.
If you decide to convert to turtles, call me, I will join you!
321. Lene said:
I laughed until I cried. It sounds awful and I'm feeling horrible for Coco and her... erm... feelings (and for whoever cleaned up the kitchen), but seriously? Damn funny.
And just to prove that I, too, can be a pain in the arse, internet-style, it almost sounds as if Coco has a touch of IBS. My vet tech once suggested that I give my cat acidophilus or probiotic yoghurt to help with her bowel issues and it worked. Makes sense - it also helps me, but I got that advice from my naturopath. Who also suggested Bach's Rescue Remedy (available in health food stores) for not just my own stress, but aforementioned cat's anxiety. A few drops in her water was very helpful.
p.s. LOVE the purple tights.
322. Lisa Guidarini said:
Oh, God, Heather do I ever identify. I have two dogs (Jack Russells - canines on crack) and two cats (one a lazy, friendly bum, the other we never see - hope it's still alive), so there's always some sort of bodily fluid flying around the house. If they aren't barfing they're crapping, or consuming crap.
My kids have tried to hit me up for another dog. HAHAHAHA! Right. Easy for them to say, they do NO WORK taking care of the animals.
Lately I've been thinking of escaping to Antarctica, to march with the penguins. Either that or throwing myself off the roof. The jury's still out.
323. sravana said:
Hiya Heather!
1) Purple tights rock. The folks who are going "OMG, PURPLE TIGHTS!!" don't have the legs, figure, or chutzpah to carry them off - think jealousy. You are awesome, gorgeous, and NORMAL-WEIGHT in a nation of fatties. If I was 5 inches taller, I might try the purple tights thing myself (another normal-weight woman here... :D)
2) re: UR DOIN'IT WRONG - any successful woman is going to get more shit thrown at her than a successful man. Period. It's our misogynistic culture. Sorry about that, I deal with it, too. Take it as a badge of honor.
3) Puppies are hell, and herding breeds are quite difficult. I would talk with the vet re: the shitstorms. I really don't think that's normal, even though (given your comments here) it's common. I've been acquainted with lots of dogs in my 50 years, and I've never heard of any who had the kind of problems that Coco has. Though the former vet-tech above was rather brusque in her comments, herding dogs are really, really SMART, and working with their high-energy is helpful. I like the desensitizing idea, too. But I'd definitely have a talk with the vet re: shit. I have a wonderful miniature (read: medium-sized) poodle, and she gets bowel problems from food allergies. There are lots of reasons why a dog can have problems holding her poop, consult a professional before you guys take her out back and shoot her!
::hugs to the five of you::
324. Hes said:
Aren't dogs wonderful? :-)
Ours just went through a bout of ringworm. The medicine has to be given with food. And makes them not want to eat.
Do you know how fun it is to try to coax an already finicky dog to eat something when she isn't feeling hungry? Lots of time spent on the kitchen floor telling her how beautiful she is when she is eating and how good she is, etc.
As aggravating as that was for 4 weeks... I will take it all over again not to have to deal with oceans of shit...
Thanks for the laughs, Heather
325. Mackenzie said:
That is the funniest story ever. I, too, had a foxtail incident with my dog. My story would have been about how much money they charged me for that business!
326. Shelly said:
I know you have probably heard this before...but you really need to call the dog whisperer!! *LOL*
327. Krystyn said:
I've fostered several dogs over the past five years, and I've had my share of poop, crying and being jumped on in the middle of the night! Their situations were a little different than Coco, of course. (My fosters had been abandoned, or stray, and one was a "puppy mill" dog who never experienced the love of a family ever.) All of these dogs were emotional wrecks, and moreso when I wasn't around!
Since Coco's so little and has that working dog instinct in her, she's probably just a little "lost" when you're not around. You have given Coco an awesome family where she feels loved and wanted, and that rocks!
My point, where did it go? Oh yeah.
Working/herding dogs... they tend to be afraid of weather. Was there a strom approaching when she killed your kitchen?
If you have a storm approaching, even if you can't hear it yet, that family of dog can get really freaked out. It helps if she has a place to crawl under (like a bed) or you can even put her in her bed and throw a big comforter over her head.
Oh my, I've turned into a "novel of advice" commenter. Damn!
328. Michelle said:
Oh how I laughed and cried. Thank you for this post as it makes my morning of cleaing up infant, breastmilk poop (on the sofa, mom and baby) seem like a breeze!
I was going through withdrawls not having something funny to read over lunch and this one just about tops them! Thanks! But sorry for your luck!
329. Kacey said:
I often wonder two things about my fellow readers of your blog:
1. Are they even bothering to read your posts, or do they just skim for the punchline? A secondary question related to this one is, do they understand sarcasm? Or humor of any kind?
2. Do they not know that they are on the internet? It's called Google, people (or Wikipedia, even, which was the highly complicated website that the Dooce used to answer your ignorant questions). If you want to know what a Foxtail is, search it. It will take all of ten seconds. Can you be any lazier? For real.
When you first got Coco, I was totally smitten. I tried to convince my ex-husband that a sheepdog was exactly what I wanted. After all of the stories you've written about Coco, the only reason I would ever get one is if I inherit a flock of sheep.
Thank you for suffering for the cause of entertainment. ;)
330. Jessica said:
My husband complains about our cats occasionally digging in the plants and spitting up a hairball once in a while. He wants to get rid of them and get a dog (he's never had one). He is so going to read this post! :) Sorry to hear things aren't getting better with Coco. Maybe it's the name... my cousin has a lab named Coco and she is absolutely crazy!
331. E2WCoastMom said:
I, too, laughed so hard I cried. In addition to needing the Internet 2 inces from your face, you also needed a young daughter/son saying, "Mommy, can you carry me? I'm scared...."
332. Jane-Marie said:
Oh you poor thing, sounds so exhausting.
I for sure thought the story was going to end with you dropping her off on the side of the road somewhere and driving away!!
333. Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen said:
This comment admittedly has nothing to do with Coco, but I found a link on CNN that I thought you and/or Jon might appreciate, or at the very least find interesting:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/07/24/polygamy.hearing/index.html
It seems that Harry Reid feels that polygamous sects (including, but not limited to Mormon polygamous offshoots like FLDS) amount to organized crime.
I hope you enjoy it!
334. Wine Dog said:
OMG! I hate when they turn your house into a crapatorium. You're probably right, the stress did it. The sedation medicine might have added to it. It clearly made her anxious. Maybe a powerwasher is in order?
335. Ummmm said:
Can you tell us who won the Wii contest? Wasn't that a while ago?
336. Melissa K said:
I've said it before...I'll say it again; Coco is soooooooooooooooo much like how my border collie (Tag) was/is. He no longer tears up everything he can. However, he does eat any napkin, paper towel and peice of toilet paper he can get his mouth on. He also ias the same about his "Territory". He barks at just about every living (and some non-living) thing that goes past the house. Also, new visitors to the house must be guided to the couch by me before he will "allow" them to be there. THEN he will jump with all his might onto their crotches and lick them until their skin grows fur. :-)
337. Laurie J said:
Ah, dogs and shit stories. It takes me back.
My beloved Shephard mix, Sam, was caged as a puppy - of course you know why. Because a puppy, especially a large puppy, will completely and utterly destroy everything he comes in contact with if left alone and uncaged. (Even with the cage training, Sam managed to devour an entire couch. Among other things.) And he was a very good boy about going into his cage when we left in the morning. He got a treat and some water in a small bowl. Unfortunately, he grew so quickly that the cage got a bit cramped. So we leave him in the cage as normal one morning, with treat and water bowl. He's so big he has to hunch a little in his cage. And when we get home that afternoon, the poor baby has had diarrhea and knocked over his water bowl. There he is in his cage, sitting in a puddle of shit soup, looking as dejected as he possibly could.
Years before that, I had a Brittany Spaniel named Brittany (I am nothing if not creative and original). In our tiny Nissan 200 SX, we drove with the dog to my sister's house. She lives in a small town where some of the residents still keep livestock on their large lots. There was a cow pasture right across the street from her house. Unbeknownst to us, Brittany had spent the afternoon chowing down on the delightful bovine pastries served in the aforementioned cow pasture. This came to our attention about halfway through the two hour car ride home, when she started regurgitating what she had consumed. That's right, our dog didn't just EAT the shit, she then vomited the shit back up. While we were on the road, with no cleaning supplies. All over the interior of our tiny two door car.
Good times.
338. Walking In My Sleep said:
The only thing that would make this worse is to have Leta puking in your hand as you discovered the shit. Count your blessings.
339. Have the T-Shirt said:
OK, that was too funny, although I know you didn't find the shit spraying funny, you make it sound funny and that's your gift.
My dog is like Chuck, she loves the vet! She very much wants to say hi to each and every dog in the waiting room and you can see that her feelings get hurt when her advances are met with snarls or growls.
She even has to sniff all the cats.
But when we go into the exam room and they try to take her out the back door of the exam room to weigh her, draw blood, trim nails, etc., she puts her paw against the door jam and refuses to budge. I always have to walk her back there, she's such a big ole' baby.
340. Kim said:
OMG You need a visit from Victoria Stilwell! LOL
341. Stellare said:
Crappy business!
342. Patti said:
And that is why my vet comes to my house!
343. Bunny Bodel said:
My dog is a year and a half old and if I leave anything in his reach such as shoes, sunglasses, electronics, he will devour them. At least he doesn't eat furniture. But, as big of a pain as they are, puppies are so worth it.
344. Erica said:
Wow, Dooce. Sad to say, but I can empathize. Just this morning, I discovered a nice steaming pile of shit ON MY BED. And, from the looks of it, it'd probably been there all night. :) Nice, huh?
345. Kim said:
that was hilarious heather and you know what? WE ARE ALL DOING IT FUCKING WRONG! Don't let those losers bring you down b/c we are all just trying to figure it out!
346. Carol said:
Ha! Our pup made a similar mess. Turns out she was gorging on the fermenting grapes that had fallen from our backyard vine. So no bourbon for your Coco ... it may end up coming out both ends. (eeew ... sorry)
Love today's daily photo. Your daughter is more stunning than ever.
Cheers
347. kat said:
Okay - have you had her checked for IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)? My great dane has this - and you have NOT lived until you come home to THAT shitty mess.
She has to eat RX dog food to control her ass issues. $43.99 every two weeks baby!
And btw, I was laughing with you, cause I have been there.
348. Katie said:
No more dog poo poo stories, please.
349. Melissa s said:
I clicked on that link you provided, dooce, to show what a foxtail is, and now I'm going to be saying "Retrose barbs and trichomes on lemma" for the rest of the day. Just because it's so fun to say.
Retrose barbs and trichomes on lemma!
350. Jinx said:
OMG Heather! This was hilarious! Thank you for making my day! :)
351. Amy said:
I feel your pain but...
I laughed more at this post than I have any others recently. Probably because, you know, you tell things well. And really? I'm glad it wasn't me.
Drink some more bourbon.
352. Dy-Anne said:
I laughed my ass off!!! (well not really it is still unfortunately behind me)
and apparently some other Dooce followers had the same question i did about WTF a Foxtail is...
So i googled it and woot here's the link to the Wiki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foxtail_(diaspore)
353. Teresa in Nor Cal said:
Every summer at least two of our dogs get foxtails up their nose. Not because we are irresponsible parents but because foxtails are the pestilence of the plant world and infect our property. ANYWAYS, my frustration led me to try to fashion some sort of canine nose mask. My desperation led me to cut up a damn good pair of Spanx...and, of course, what dog would wear panty hose on their face? Silly me.
354. Sprite's Keeper said:
I'd say "holy crap", but that would seem a bit redundant, wouldn't it?
But seeing as this is the funniest post I've read in a while, I have to say you owe Coco a great deal for providing this inspiration.
355. sunny said:
Hi Heather,
Thank you for making me laugh.It is so good to laugh.
I am sorry about Coco.I know how you feel though,I had a dog who did that and it is not fun. Mostly he would do it inside his kennel, but yeah..
356. Reluctant Long Islander said:
My stomach is aching from laughing so hard.
We used to have a racist husky who was afraid of all men, except black men. Not only was she not afraid of them, but she would try to viciously attack them. She whimpered and trembled with fear whenever a strange man came to the house, and she foamed and growled with KKK rage if it was a black man. Who the hell knows who owned her before we did (found her trapped in a field), but they were probably not nice people. . .
357. andrea said:
I'm sorry for all the shit, but this post is frickin' hysterical, you have such a way with words, ha!
358. Leslie said:
Coco's super cute and all but next time? Go for a Lab. Those herding dogs are *CRAZY*
359. Jennifer said:
oh my god. i can hardly contain myself from laughing right now. i'm sorry for your shit filled kitchen, but that might be the funniest story i've read in a long time. maybe ever.
in case it helps, we put cottage cheese in our aussies food pretty much with every meal because it helps with the runs. which they get alot. especially when stressed. about the vet, or you know, someone missing from the herd. or small fluffy and adorable puppies. lol......
360. the dalai mama said:
I am sorry to find so much humor in your misery. When we first got our dogs (we rescued them from a golf course) the one would get horribly car sick and after her first trip to the vet--explosive diarrhea all over the backset of the car. Which did not have leather seats. I thought I was going to die and then I thought the dog might at my hands.
But she is alive today and 8 years later the best dog ever. I hope Coco gets all her shit worked out. Puppies can be a pain in the ass.
361. moo said:
Thank you for reminding me why we do not have animals in our house. My two year old dropping applesauce on the carpet at lunch AND at dinner every day is QUITE enough, thankyouverymuch.
362. Kris said:
Awww, poor Coco! I totally sympathize with you. My dog is like that...day at the groomer, 4th of July fireworks or just some really bad thunder? Liquid crap...everywhere. Our vet gave us some pills to give him after stressful events that works like a charm to prevent the liquid crap.
363. Lindsey Beth said:
Oh. My. Dog. That totally sucks. Unfortunately, I've been there before... more than once. Our Bloodhound, Henry has a very sensitive stomach and Traveler, our Gordon Setter, eats more poo than Eukanuba, which doesn't work out so well for him. Just thought I'd share since misery usually loves company! If this ever happens to you in a carpeted area (and I REALLY hope it doesn't) I highly recommend investing in a Bissell Spot Bot. It's a lifesaver.
364. Stenar said:
YAY! It's Pioneer Day! (aka Polygamy Pride)
365. Rachel said:
My gremlin of a dog once had to have a foxtail removed from her eye. It was lodged behind her eyeball. It was mighty kind of her not to become an aerosol shit can, considering how unpleasant that must have been.
366. Lisa said:
i am just here to see if you are giving anything away - that's a joke.
367. Erin said:
Hahahahaha, I laughed aloud when I read this! I, of course, read this in the wake of my very own dog deciding that she wanted to yack up dinner all over my bed...one word...awesome.
368. Pamela said:
I came home to a similar situation with my Standard poodle. Only he'd also used his teeth to open the kitchen door, (he'd never done that before) and continued his trail of diarrhea and vomit throughout the hall and living room...WHERE NEW CARPET HAD BEEN LAID LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE. I later realized it was his nerves. I'd spent the night with a family member in the hospital, never thinking he'd not been left alone overnight before. He was fine as soon as I came back. And 15 years later, I still have the teeth marks on the doorknob to remind me.
369. Becky said:
I can't imagine having to deal with taking 2 large dogs to the vet at once! Especially two with such different reactions.
Oh, and I just loved the way you described "that small but vocal segment of the Internet," what the hell is wrong with those people anyway? I'm just a meek new blogger, I'm not sure I'm cut out to handle that particular portion of the internet!
370. norm said:
Yeah, I have to say our border collie was the same way. She became an outside dog. She sleeps in a comfy heated house in the garage and we button it up at night, but she comes in the house maybe once a month, only on the tile floor, but the rest of the time she's in the yard.
371. Sil said:
So, all those people who said OMG Purple tights?!!11! You are totally vindicated (not that you need it, of course): http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/nymag/fashion/~3/0oJyi-gXz8o/christian_si...
The winner of last season's Project Runway totally rocked the purple tights in his new collection for Bluefly.
372. lizinsumner said:
Ummmmmm......doggy prozac?? doggy tranquilizers?? doggy ativan?? Bottom line - I think medication may be your only hope!
373. firefly said:
I have to commiserate with Coco on the foxtail -- because I've twice had a shed cat hair (ONE hair) get lodged in the fabric of a sock and literally work itself into the sole of my foot as I walked.
TEH painful.
Although I did not poop all over the kitchen floor afterward.
Thank goodness.
374. Beth said:
Yipes!
375. Natalie said:
See? This is why I have cats. I mean, I love dogs and all, but cats don't smear their shit all over the place.
At least not intentionally. The occasional cling-on can't be helped when you grow massive amounts of fuzz out of your butt.
376. sybann said:
Oh Heather, I am SO sorry. This is why I scream at my dogs everyday without fail - so they become accustomed to regular stress.
Innova, Evo. Hugely expensive - but NO runny poo in forever and the bitch has stopped consuming the excrement of every creature that ever crapped on the ground. Finally.
377. Adrienne said:
This post is hysterical, especially since I can relate. The difference is that my dogs are more likely to barf all over the place. At the vet's, they're right by the door of the exam room, waiting for a chance to try to escape.
378. Leila said:
"Only thing missing that would have made it a more perfect moment was that small but vocal segment of the Internet standing two inches from my face with their arms folded across their chests chanting YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
That totally cracked me up. I'd really like to see the know-it-alls trying to handle that situation. I'm sure their vast and superior knowledge of situations they've never actually had to deal with would make them fair better. NOT.
I'm a cat owner myself. When my two cats were kittens I went nuts about the amount of poo they managed to do all over the house. I was sure it was impossible for two tiny kittens to even contain that much poo, and started wondering if they were somehow inviting additional cats over to join in when I wasn't looking. As soon as you'd discovered one mess and cleaned it up, another one would appear almost immmediately. But Coco in the kitchen? That beats every pet-related cleanup I've ever had to do by miles.
You and Jon are heroes. Keep it up.
379. JessNeth said:
I seriously laughed so hard I cried. OMG - I am so sorry for you but how hilarious....
380. Amber said:
My husband and I call that kind of crap 'the fire-shits'- the firehose of crap. So fun to clean up, right?!
381. Abbey said:
Poop of any sort around the house--not ideal. (BTW Love all of your photos. They are stunning. What kind of camera do you use?)
382. Alana said:
Yeah I was really hoping to see a picture of it as well. In fact, once I read what was in her ear, I scrolled down to get a sneak peak. People just don't get over disappointment like that.
Australian shepherds are huuuuge pains! I have one named Zephyr and he ate a loaf of bread today. But they talk and its so damn cute!
Good luck with Coco :]
383. Janet said:
Note - Turtles do not make better pets. My friend was in the peace corps in Peru, and someone he worked with gave him a turtle as a pet. He thought his turtle was a girl, and his host family in Peru had a girl turtle. However, his turtle grew into a big, angry guy turtle who went around raping the family's girl turtle and would follow people, mostly men, around biting at their ankles, legs, feet, clothes, etc... Apparently, boy turtles can be very aggressive. I think cleaning up dog doo - no matter how bad - is better than a giant turtle biting you and raping the other pets. I guess that's just big turtles though.
384. Allison said:
This may be the funniest thing I have ever read!!! I can't stop laughing...maybe it's because this reminds me of my dogs!!
385. Annie said:
My husband came home yesterday to discover that one of our dogs, "the eater of all things alive and potentially squeaky" had spent the entire day on our deck chewing on a medium-sized box turtle. She had peeled back much of its shell to the expose the veins (VEINS!) and had chewed entirely through one corner of the shell. The turtle was still alive (thankfully) and we handed him over to the neighbors who deposited him in their lovely, serene flower garden where he will hopefully recover from his afternoon with the jaws of death.
386. ...loveMaegan said:
i spray shit when I'm nervous too. you can tell coco that. maybe it will comfort her. ...although, she probably feels much better now.
387. Bluesurly said:
Just wanted to let you know that my husband called me at work today just to ask if I'd read Dooce.com yet...he normally teases me about my addiction, so now he's going to have to admit to his own - Chuck of the Day is his favorite part for sure. He's a vet, and we have many, many dogs, cats, and poop piles at our house, so we feel your pain!
PS There's a reason we don't have any herding dogs in our zoo...
388. almost vegetarian said:
I have the most horrible thing to say: This makes me feel better about my 10-month-old Westie, Sophie.
She is distracted by everything. No, everything. Another dog, of course. A human being. A cat. A bee. A leaf. An air molecule. So training her to walk properly is insane.
Of course, she is not distracted by us. In fact, she is so totally oblivious to our presence that if we stop too quickly, she is quite likely to smack into our legs. Or choke. Depending on where she is and what we do next.
When she does remember we are at the other end of the leash, she uses this time to stalk our knees, not listen to our commands.
And, heaven help us, if a foolish skateboarder should have the audacity to whip past.
If it helps any, your Coco, like our Sophie, is just going through adolescence. If you survive this, you will end up with a lovely beastie. If you survive.
Then you'll get to go through the human version in about ten years.
Cheers!
389. Amie said:
My puppy had a foxtail removed from her foot last week. Until then, I didn't even know what a foxtail was.
It had gone in between her toes (all my fault because we went on a trip and I tried to make her go potty in a field). She licked and licked it, forcing it up into her little foot. By the time we got in to our vet, it was pretty deep in her foot. He had to perform surgery to get it out. And all the stress gave her diarrhea, but luckily, she let it out on the grass.
390. Amber said:
You need to get one of these and just be done with it:
http://www.abundantearth.com/store/ecosphere.html
Best.Pet.Ever.
391. Tai said:
Holy shiz, that's hilarious. I'm so sorry that you have a dickwad dog - but it sure makes for a good story. I mean... any story that involves poop is pretty much automatically funny.
My dog is a black lab, and she used to be INSANE when she was a puppy - just flat out bonkers. She used to be really gross and haul used sanitary napkins out of the trash and bring them to guests. That always went over really well. But she's three now, and so mellow I'm actually getting a little concerned. The only bad trait she's retained is chewing. I've gone through three pairs of silver flats (the exact same style, no less) thanks to her teeth.
I hope Coco calms down for you soon!
392. gabers gamma said:
This story was craptastic !!
I am a newcomer to your blog; I've been reading Greek Tragedy for a couple of years and found you thru a comment there.
In regards to the "can't eat that shit now-ITS BEEN ON THE FLOOR" - I wonder - does the five (or ten) second rule apply ????
I have my own Vet story, which had moved to the archives of my mind until your post reminded me-
We were taking two of our tabby cats to the vet, with our preteen son to help wrangle them. As we got one kitty out of the car and into the vet's office, we looked back to see that the mild mannered kitty we had charged our son with had (literally!!) clawed its way up the side of another person's car !! Try explaining THAT to the insurance agent !!
Then, we're in the exam room with mild mannered kitty #2
and the tech proceeds to take her temperature-rectally of course. Poor Bobo (may she rest in peace) was so upset she pooped at that exact moment and gave the tech a POOPSICLE on the thermometer !!
Those two cats have since gone to the great catbox in the sky, but we continue to get kitties and endure the barf, poop, pee and other hassles because they bring so much to our lives. I'll bet that's how, in those fecal-matter free moments, you feel too.
393. Emily said:
I, like everyone else who commented, would like to know what a foxtail is.
And also want you to know that there was literal lol-age re: the dog poop situation. I two have two gigantic dogs who liked to systematically break down my soul but occasionally shitting everywhere, and that is just not pleasant to wake up to. Poor Coco. Hope she's feeling better!
Great, great, great post.
394. Lyndsey said:
I love your poop stories! Yes, I am always amazed at the amount of poop that dogs and babies can generate.
395. sevanetta said:
@ Heather - ohhh dear. You pooooor thing.
@ all the people saying 'OMG I can't believe there are people here who have never heard of a foxtail'. OMG I can't believe there are people here who have never heard of people living and doing and naming things outside of their own narrow experience. Hello, people all over the world read this blog. Funnily enough, we have different plants and different names for 'em.
396. Claudious said:
Absolutely disgusting, sorry you had to clean that. In my life, my solution to this kind of problem has been to not have a dog... I feel I miss out on some, but as far as solutions go it's rock solid.
397. Anonymous said:
I just watched It's Me or the Dog on Animal Planet and she was working with a dog that was eating his poop. The trainer suggested forcing him to slow down his eating but giving a handful at a time and also then giving pineapple afterwards which will make the poop unappetizing because it will no longer smell like this food. It might be worth a shot...
398. April said:
Poor Coco. You have the patients of a saint to deal with all of that and not have gone for the bourbon right away.
I wish my dogs were like chuck when it came to going to the Vet. Both of them are like Coco. I always get the looks from people like I am the worst dog owner in the world.
399. Talon said:
My rib joints are so inflamed from my stupid arthritis that it hurts to laugh.
But I laughed my ass off anyway.
I KNOW that elated, jumping three feet in the air and wriggling with joy, the OMG OMG we're AT THE BEST PLACE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!
I also know the monster that growls at puppies. My first dog, Hobbes was a working Airedale/Blue Heeler mix (we called him a purebred Australian air-head) and the vet office learned to give us our own private waiting room, after he went apeshit at a tiny puppy for daring to POSSIBLY look at his human (me). I remember yelling at him, "DO YOU SEE THAT IS A TINY PUPPY? DO YOU FEEL ALL BIG AND BAD NOW? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" And he'd just look at me with his big brown eye and his big blue eye and say, "Duh, he was totally mackin' on you. Ain't happenin' damnit."
Possessive little bastard...*fondly* But it was Raven, my HUGE, 100 lb, gangly black doggie that did the leaping and wriggling and OMG WE ARE IN THE BEST PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE EVER MOMMY!! CAN I EAT IT????
Oy.
I feel your pain.
Actually I mostly feel my own pain right now, but I can take a pill for mine. You want one? I promise you won't care about poop after you take it.
400. BOSSY said:
Hmm. 'Shit' a reasonable alternative to bourbon, you say? Aces! -- think of all the money Bossy will save at the liquor store.
401. Talon said:
re: #348...are you fucking serious? You don't tell a blogger what to put on her blog!! "No more dog poop stories please" my aunt Dot's fat ASS!!
*shakes head*
Honestly...suck it up, buttercup.
402. rb said:
I don't know why, but this story reminds me of when I took my 3 year old nephew to his first port-a-potty ever, and the potty was completely full, almost overflowing,
and he came running out of the port-a-potty yelling "PEE PEE! POO POO! PEE PEE! POO POO!"
I guess I'm thinking that's what Coco would have been yelling.
403. Jessica said:
With my weak stomach I'd be cleaning up dog shit and vomit! This is why I have a cat. That is ONE cat. She shits in a box! :)
404. the mighty jimbo said:
and i totally tried to warn you about the aussies. all the trouble i got into overseas involved australians. what made you think their dogs would be any different? does anyone listen to jimbo? noooooooooooooooooooo.
still, they are cute little shitbirds.
i say, skip the hippo as your next pet. just get three or four sheep (or a dozen toddlers) and toss them all into the backyard with coco. let those instincts take care of themselves.
then again, maybe the bourbon isn't a bad idea. if you drink enough of it, maybe she won't seem so bad.
405. April said:
I had the shittiest day at work today and was in a horrible mood, then I came home and read this and laughed for 10 minutes straight..thank you for perking up my day. P.S. the haters suck ass
406. Ms. Moon said:
I'm sorry but unless that dog is adding years of joy to your life, I have no idea why you haven't given her to someone who has a field full of sheep.
407. Kim said:
Oh! My! Goodness! Freakin' hilarious. As a proud owner of three crazy Boxer Babes, I feel your pain!
408. mark said:
I can no longer look at a picture of Coco and not think of poop.
409. SydneyDawn said:
The small portion of the Internet that likes to tell you you're doing it all wrong is just jealous. Don't mind them. I find you hilarious. And the purple tights? A big risk, but you looked awesome. Happy belated birthday!
410. Gigi said:
Your dog stories are amazing.
It makes me sort of want a dog, until I remember that the stories are mostly about poop.
411. diamond said:
Wow. You won't get any "You're doing it wrong!" comments from this commenter. No. You get a gold medal. And dog owner of the year award. I thought my cute but oh-so-hyperactive-and-such-a-PISSANT of a chihuahua was a handful. No. Coco definitely wins. Maybe she'll outgrow it when she reaches "Big Dog" age? Mellow with age like a nice wine? One can only hope!
412. Crys said:
I'm book marking this entry. From now on when ever my dog leaves a big steaming pile of nastiness on my floor, I'm going to read this and remind myself that things could have been worse.
I can't imagine have to clean up all that shit. I wouldn't know where to start. Maybe with a hose?
413. ShellyD said:
I feel your pain! Damn dogs can be so annoying. Lucky for me that the hubby gets up first because he went into the kitchen where the three of them sleep and there was doggy diarrhea all over. This just happened two days ago. Of course, he has to come in and wake me up at 5:30 in the morning to let me know about it, but he said he doesn't expect me to clean it up. Good, because I didn't! Hope your morning went better after that!
414. Scotty said:
On a shit day (pun intended) you can really make me laugh my ass off.
Thank you so very much
415. Sarah said:
I laughed until I cried, but only because I feel your pain. The only upside to taking Piper for stitches in her paw was her head cone and the drunken stumble she took toward the car. There was also a shitstorm the next day.
416. Mercutia said:
Dude, maybe you should GIVE Coco some bourbon. With a rum chaser.
If anyone gives you hard time about it, I will personally punch them for you. Assuming by that time I'm not seeing double.
417. Jozet at Halushki said:
For god's sake, don't get sea monkeys.
Ours ripped down the curtains and then we found them humping the cat. The cat was never the same. The suckers are mean.
418. Wazoo said:
This happens to me too every time I get stressed.
419. Jan from Wyoming said:
Hi Dooce,
First of all, your fashion sense is always right on as far as I'm concerned. I loved the purple tights and I envy you for the beautiful f**k me red heels. I can't wear heels anymore and I miss them.
Second... I read your blog EVERY day and it is my all-time favorite blog. Through your blog, I have met many other incredible bloggers. Some are friends of yours, some are bloggers I've found through the friends' blogs. So thank you for introducing me to a lot of wonderful folks on the web.
Third, ignore those ignorant people who diss you. As far as I am concerned, you are doing everything just right! Having grown up in a very strict religion, I remember well the disproval and gossip that goes on. Luckily, nobody from the church tries to "save" me anymore.
I keep a "quote of the day" file. Today's quote is,"In fact, the vet is perhaps Chuck's favorite place in the world if you don't count the butthole of every dog he's ever met."
I am sure that Chuck is the only dog I've "known" who loves to go to the vet. He must be one laid back and sweet dog!
Foxtail... that evil stuff. I grew up on a farm, and it was horrible when a cow, horse, sheep, etc got a foxtail stuck in it's mouth and it started burrowing in. Poor Coco. I'd be crying all day too.
And, well, the crap thing... SO, SO sorry that you had to go through that.
Finally, Leta is such a beauty. I love that she's also a total character. Kind of like her mom, I would say.
Thanks so much Dooce for sharing your life and your incredible sense of humor with your readers. You are a daily delight in my life.
420. carol browe said:
EW! Poor Coco. But on another topic entirely...today's picture of Leta "playing stickers" is really beautiful. Her expression is peaceful and her hair is softly blown like there's a wind machine nearby. There wasn't one, was there? Hee!
421. Liz said:
They say pets take on the traits of the owners, and with all due respect, you often mention you have some nervous poopy problems of your own. Having said that, anesthesia can make dogs (and humans for that matter) have upset stomachs/bowels. Someday when Coco's all grown up, this will all seem like a bad dream.
422. luna said:
wow, she crapped in her bowl. nasty,
our old dog used to get so stressed at the vet that she gave herself an ulcer. the vet techs said we couldn't leave her there anymore unless they sedated her. nice.
I can't believe how many comments you get. can you?
423. Clara said:
After our old cat died, we got a new kitten and he's driving us up the wall and harassing the other cat. Can't wait to get him spade when he's six months. Hopefully he'll calm down a bit. But he's still cute...
424. palagimama said:
Why don't you just get rid of the damn dog?
425. Lilah said:
Only just found this blog, thanks to Skinny Jeans, and your style of writing is brilliant! Really made me giggle. Well done on a fab blog. I look forward to reading more!
Lilah
x
426. Kevin said:
Heather, trainer Victoria Stilwell is Anne Sullivan for dogs. Her show, It's Me or the Dog (on Animal Planet), is absolutely amazing. The show comes on 4x a day, so definitely check it out. They're currently accepting applications for new episodes in the US: http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/its-me-or-the-dog/casting.html
427. Fran Peacock said:
Bless your heart! My dog Jack does that pacing after he's had a seizure and we've had to pump him full of valium. He'll just pace until his legs fall off. And I have an upset stomach after I'm very stressed (I rarely poop on the floor, though.....) but my husband's stomach is just fine. Maybe that's a girl thing.
428. Bodybuilding said:
That is a wonderful story. I love my dog so much. Fish, not so much. But they are all wonderful.
429. Jennifer said:
Just read this again for the fourth time--what a great post! Incredibly funny. I made my husband sit and read it. Thank you for having such a challenging pet.
430. berit said:
i can only imagine coco impaling herself with the foxtail...in the same way that a 6 yr old boy puts a rock in his ear- just to see if they can.
431. jennifer said:
had to post again: wtf? You specifically point out all the know-it-all's in this story, and STILL you get a bunch of comments doing the same thing. I feel for you. Apparently there are also quite a few people who can't manage to google a simple word..
432. Juliekaye said:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But when life gives you shit...hmmm. Perplexing.
433. Marinka said:
Some days I really miss having a dog. On those days, I read your Coco posts.
434. Jean S said:
That was hilarious! Nothing like waking up to a shit filled kitchen. The only thing worse is when you don't see it and accidently slip in it.
435. Miss Britt said:
"YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
and in that four year old voice, to boot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAA
436. Anonymous said:
1. Australian Shepherds need a lot of "work" to do and when they don't have the stimulation you have an annoying dog, they're a tough breed!
2. What ever happened to the Wii winners??
437. Penny said:
WOW. That is all I could think of.
And then I followed your link to foxtail. And now all I can think is OUCH - poor Coco, no wonder she was crying. And now she'll never, ever want to go to the vet again.
438. leah said:
oh man.
i started reading dooce a couple months ago because my boyfriend and i got an 8-week-old pembroke welsh corgi and were having issues with him, so my boss said to me, "oh my gosh, do you read dooce? she just got a mini australian shepherd and is having troubles, too." so i checked it out and am totally hooked :)
anyway, i've always wanted to send you an email, heather, to let you know how awesome of a puppy parent you are (well, and human parent, too!). that one video you posted of chuck and coco waiting to be allowed to eat from their bowls was AMAZING and instantly i decided "i must learn from this woman" haha . . . but unfortunately, i'm having all sorts of difficulties with chester. he poops on the carpet all the time because my darling boyfriend doesn't pay close enough attention when he and chester are hanging out in the computer room (and of course by "hanging out," i mean The Boy is playing world of warcraft all evening and the dog is left to his own devices while i'm out of the house--yes, good God-fearing citizens of Utah, we live in sin haha).
i don't mind the poop so much, but i swear to you, my dog hates me. either that, or he's incredibly misogynistic. he growls and snaps and snarls any time i try to pick him up, and my arms are a neat, criss-crossing pattern of scratches from chester struggling to get away from the apparent horror that is my loving arms. and--AND--sometimes i'll be sitting on the couch, minding my own business, and he'll come up and sit in front of me and bark nonstop.
so anyway, my point: i think you are amazingly patient and loving with your pets and i'm sorry you've had so much literal shit to deal with. i also think i would love it if you would come to my home and teach chester to stop hating me . . . or at least stop snarling and biting!
as a side note, after reading the comments yesterday about pennies in a bottle, i went home at lunchtime and tried it. it worked a couple of times, but by the third, he just kind of looked at me like "what exactly do you think you're going to accomplish?" and went about his business. SIGH.
439. Therese said:
Cannot stop picturing Pacific Ocean of crap. I feel for you guys, through my laughter.
440. Chris said:
We should have a bad dog contest. I am going to toot my own horn and say that my yellow Lab Maggie may beat your Coco. She would have seen and smelled the Ocean of Crap, eaten it, and come back home to spray it out both ends. Oh, and she would have done it in a contrasting color on one of the few carpets in my house. Top that Coco! Oh wait...don't top that Coco.
441. Meg said:
From another woman who found poop in her kitchen the yesterday morning to the other - I'm sorry. It stinks.
442. jane said:
Poor Coco. The same thing happened to my dog when I had to board him for a couple of days. He came back and had diarrhea all over the kitchen floor. He is a delicate flower, I guess.
443. Chrissy said:
And to think I really wanted to get an Australian Shepherd! Thanks for saving me the grief, although my Golden Retriever puppy is managing to drive me just as crazy. Hang in there. I just know Coco is going to turn into a wonderful dog one day, hopefully soon.
444. Mom in Texas said:
OMG, I cannot read your blog at work, I now have tears running down my face, I laughed so hard!
All I can say is I feel your pain and I sit here in admiration and awe about how you can put up with explosive poop in your kitchen:)
445. Schumanator said:
The internet chanting "you're doing it wrong" is perhaps the most hilarious imagery ever.
446. mslieder said:
Makes my 3 shit eatin' dogs look pretty good.
My Mom had a dog when she was a kid that was so smart he would crap right where my Grandpa would open the car door (if they left the dog home when they went somewhere).
Face it, dogs are poop eatin' neurotic beasts. But ya gotta love 'em.
448. Kara said:
What? no pictures?
449. ma2one said:
Then you had to leave her this neurotic dog.
This story sounds like a
To be continued.....
I know first hand Coco will never chill out!
You know that.
Her humans will eventually get used to the nonsense and love her all the same.
I have a dog who shits from anxiety (thankfully waits for the street)and detests the vet as much as coco.
My dog remember the near foot amputation being repaired the day before I left for five days for vacation to visit our child at sleep away camp. Life sucks worse when you really need it to go smoothly.
Stay home!
450. Rebecca said:
Hilarious, but only because I've been there many, many times in the past. My 9-month old basset hound JUST stopped using our apartment as a toilet. We used to have an Aussie who was a chaotic, insane ball of obsessive-compulsive energy and would regularly display her love of controlling us by pooping on the dining room carpet. Which, of course, was white when we got it and quickly became covered in awful faded yellow/gray stainspots from all the Aussie diarrhea.
Obviously you shouldn't give your dog bourbon, or any sort of liquor, but when she gets that stressed or goes into that anxious state you do have options:
A teaspoon of children's benadryl (mixed with milk or gatorade or yogurt so the dog isn't like, yuck, bubblegum?!) generally takes about 30-45 minutes to kick in.
Or you can go more homeopathic with:
Richard's Organics Pet Calm: 1 mL per 10 lbs of bodyweight. Dogs seem to like the flavor so you probably won't even need to add anything to it. http://petco.com/product/7743/Richard-s-Organics-Pet-Calm.aspx
My basset had some very serious separation anxiety and as part of his reconditioning we used both the Richard's and the benadryl to help get him into a calmer state of mind. They both worked very well.
Hope that helps!
-Rebecca