Why our next dog will be a sea monkey
About two weeks ago I took both dogs to the vet in preparation for their upcoming trip to the kennel. Chuck needed to get updates on a few vaccinations, and Coco just needed a general check-up, although I did hope that they would maybe listen to her heartbeat or take her temperature and ask, "Has she been rather awful lately? Because there is a medical reason for that." And then give her a pill that would make her stop being such a frequent dickwad.
In the days leading up to that vet visit I had noticed Coco scratching her right ear violently and often walking around with her head tilted in that direction. I didn't know if she had water in her ear or if she had damaged it in any way, so I knew I would bring that up with the vet. I just had to get Coco into the building first. Not so easy when in the parking lot she suddenly remembered that this was the building where she had had her ovaries removed. And I can totally understand her reaction, it would be weird to wake up from a sedative I had not willingly taken only to find out that someone had hacked into my reproductive organs. And here you are bringing me back to the building where that happened? Do not be surprised then when I start growling, barking, and then pissing my pants from the anxiety. In fact, be glad I don't start talking shit about your mom.
To make matters worse, Chuck loves the vet. In fact, the vet is perhaps Chuck's favorite place in the world if you don't count the butthole of every dog he's ever met. He knows when we're blocks away from that building and will start howling with anticipation once he realizes where we're going. So there I am in the parking lot, one dog yanking the leash away from the building, the other dog jumping three feet at a time into the air because he can't wait to get in, me in the middle purposefully not making eye contact with anyone because then maybe they won't notice that I exist or that there is a circus going on around me. Only thing missing that would have made it a more perfect moment was that small but vocal segment of the Internet standing two inches from my face with their arms folded across their chests chanting YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!
I finally get them both into the lobby where a handful of other dogs are standing patiently beside their owners, at least until Coco's uneasy energy sets off a round of hysterical barking. And then Chuck, Our Walking Teddy Bear, He Who Only Barks When Thoroughly Provoked And Even Then Only If He's On His Period, sees a fur ball of a puppy across the room, one who is maybe four months old if even that advanced in age, and he goes berserk, starts growling from the bottom of his lungs so that it sounds like some sort of demonic goblin. And if at all possible Coco's barking gets even more high-pitched as if to say SEE? SEE? THIS PLACE IS APPALLING. Yes, appalling. Because THERE ARE PUPPIES HERE. Is your situation not ghastly enough? Want to make it really horrific? THROW IN SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES.
This goes on for what seems like, wait, it's STILL going on, and not two minutes after I get them settled down I start to relax a little bit only to have a little person walk through the door, a perfectly polite little person who says a friendly hello to everyone in the room. And just then Coco lunges and starts growling at her as if she had just walked into Coco's pasture and stolen one of her sheep. Which I am supposing is the worst thing that could happen to a sheep dog: steal one of the things that they are trying to keep track of and watch their head explode. Want to see Coco go nuts? Invite three friends over and send one of them to the bathroom. That trick never gets old.
I immediately text message Jon: "Our dogs are awful. Also, Coco is a bigot."
When we finally get back to an examination room I ask the doctor if they can take a look inside Coco's right ear. She says no problem, and within mere minutes of taking the dogs back to address their respective concerns she returns to tell me that they have found a foxtail inside her ear. A large one. Larger than they have ever pulled out of a dog's ear. And because she is so anxious they're going to have to sedate her a bit in order to get it out. I imagine that if Coco were capable of a single coherent thought she'd be panicking that this time they were going in for the kidneys. So that they could sell them on Craigslist.
I wait for over 45 minutes and begin to wonder if maybe that foxtail is as big as a grain silo. The doctor finally returns with both dogs, Chuck high from all the attention, Coco a mad, pacing mess of nerves. She shows me the gigantic foxtail they removed and talks me through the procedure, and the whole time Coco circles the room crying. That crying goes on for another five hours, from the moment we leave the examination room, through the lobby of the building, out into the parking lot, along the entire ride home, and then as she tries to find a comfortable spot on the sofa? No. The bed? No. The floor? No. How about the sofa again? No. Oh FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DOG. PICK A SPOT AND STICK WITH IT. You can cry all you want, I will even hold your head while you do it, I just cannot take the pacing, pacing, pacing. Suddenly I'm seeing why people adopt turtles.
She finally calms down when she falls asleep for the night, and the following morning she's as chipper as ever, jumping straight from the floor and landing directly on Jon's crotch to say good morning. We're exhausted from the emotional crying jag and everything else we've had to get done before our week long trip away from home, and so we both absentmindedly fall asleep thinking that the other one is keeping track of Coco. THAT NEVER ENDS WELL. Pretty much if I ever begin a sentence with, "But I thought Jon was watching her," you can assume that the story ends with all of us dying.
This time it was worse. She crapped all over the kitchen floor.
And not just a little crap. A WHOLE LOAD OF CRAP. BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF CRAP. A PACIFIC OCEAN OF CRAP. From the point of origin (the middle of the kitchen dog bed), all the way along the floor, up onto two stainless steel planters and the dishwasher, all over five cabinet doors, and ending in her food bowl. IN HER FOOD BOWL. OF COURSE IN HER FOOD BOWL. That's probably where she was headed all along and is now pissed that she wasted so much of it on the dirty kitchen floor. Can't eat that shit now CAUSE IT'S BEEN ON THE FLOOR.
I don't even know where I'm going with this story other than to say that Jon repeatedly asked me that morning what I thought Coco had eaten to make her sick like that, and I kept giving him this really evil look like ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? She didn't get sick from eating something, she got sick because for several hours the day before she thought she was going to die. Do you know what that kind of stress does to your system? You and I can knock back a bourbon, but Coco? COCO DOESN'T HAVE BOURBON. SPRAYING SHIT SEEMS LIKE A REASONABLE ALTERNATIVE.
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. Erin said:
Oh, I know it was awful for you, but it is so very, very hilarious, this story.
And, the haters are dumb. :) You are awesome.
2. Meg said:
how does a foxtail get into a dog's ear? is foxtail a euphemism for something?
3. Anonymous said:
I just laughed so hard I cried reading that....poor Coco, poor Heather!
4. Deva said:
OH. My. God. Poor you. Poor Coco. Funny story, yes, but imagining the mess is making me gag.
5. Laura said:
All I can really muster is...bummer.
6. candybeans said:
if any living thing in my house pooped on my stuff that much, i'd be forced to blind fold it and deposit it in a lonely field. you're a better woman than i, dooce.
7. Victoria said:
Wowza. Sorry about all that shit. What a welcome home, eh?
I was hoping to see you somewhere in SF this last weekend, but alas, I didn't spot the purple tights anywhere. If I had, I would've told you that they're AWESOME!
8. Sheenah said:
Oh. My. God. I would have had a coronary and then made my husband clean it all up because that is way too much poop to clean without throwing up. Ick.
I have no idea what people would be angry about with you taking them to the vet. I frequently have to physically drag my dogs places. While being cute and sweet, they can be so uncooperative.
Oh, I also laughed so hard I cried reading this post. You are great!
9. M said:
Oh my, all I can say is oh my. And, I am glad that you are back. Hooray! I have been having serious Dooce withdrawal symptoms.
10. Pringle said:
Just LOL, that's all I can say.
Although I feel your pain. We can't use a certain brand of air freshner in our house anymore as it reminds us all so strongly of the unique smell of puppy shit.
11. MK said:
I'm just disappointed that you didn't include a picture of the foxtail... whatever that is...
12. Rachel said:
The obvious solution is to share the bourbon with the dog. This is why I have a toddler. Singular. One toddler. Because she is more than enough.
13. HouseofJules said:
How do you guys decide who is on clean-up duty? Because I would do some serious bargaining to get out of that chore, for real.
14. Delia said:
An Anti-Dickwad pill would be genius. Not just for pets, but for husbands too.
15. Orangina said:
Oh. Holy. Crap. And here I was bemoaning my fate because my dog took a crap on my hair dryer.
BTW -- Purple tights rock.
16. Talora said:
Lordy, this brings back memories of my own awful dog. I miss that little turd.
17. bobbie said:
please please tell us what a foxtail is!!?
18. Tiffany said:
MK: Agreed! I just did a quick google image search and still don't know.
I've just come up with the idea that vets should form some sort of co-op. Each month, they'll switch to a different building in a different location. Then the owners will still get to see the same familiar vet, but the animals will be decieved into not acting hysterical.
19. Londoner said:
Hi Heather (forgive the familiarity!),
This tale is an absolute classic and had me chuckling all the way through. Superb!
20. Serial said:
Stop with the shit spray stories already! I'm adopting a dog soon ... but now I'm terrified. That sounds like a lot of poo. Have you tried giving her just a teense of burbon?
21. Jillian said:
Oh my gosh. Funniest post ever.
I had to Google Foxtail the first time you mentioned it ... looks painful! Poor Coco and poor you!
22. dooce said:
This is a foxtail.
23. Melanie said:
Dolly, our 10 month old supermutt, has brought us two dead birds in the past 32 hours. Gag. She's is SO incredibly proud, though. Puppies, in general, are nuts.
24. Miss Hass said:
Suddenly Greta's poop on my carpet seems much less obnoxious. Thanks for making me laugh away the frustration of cleaning up yet another dog mess.
25. sheasy said:
Time to get some doggie earmuffs and a booty plug for CoCo.
26. Jennifer said:
A foxtail? Psh. Try MANY foxtails AND skunk stank. Which is why I no longer have dogs... although I imagine an ocean of shit in the kitchen smells ten times worse than skunk stank.
27. Anonymous said:
A story only true dog people can understand, appreciate, sympathize with, and find absolute humor in. Thanks for sharing!
How can all these people not know what a Foxtail is? Ever heard of grass? Come on people!
28. Jag said:
Yikes. Most stressful high-energy post ever? Check.
29. Kristin Ausk said:
Been there before, but except for just waking up we'd just gotten home after being away on a short day trip and we were sweaty and exhausted and now our entire house smelled like crap because it had been sitting there for hours. so much so that it absorbed into the wood floors and left stains. ya....
Well the bright side is that at least it wasn't on the carpet!
30. K said:
I feel for you Heather!!
I would much rather change poopy diapers, than clean up all that dog crap. yuck. Seriously, I feel for you.
I love your stories, they make my day!
By the way, what is a foxtail? Is it some kind of leaf or flower?
31. Sophia (Adventures of Brown) said:
I can't really help with the pooping and burbon situation but I do have this to offer: pennies.
Put 10 or so pennies in a plastic water/soda bottle and close the cap. When Coco is doing something inappropriate like excessive barking, jumping, chewing or other unacceptable behaviors; shake the penny bottle. Depending on your dog's tolerence to the noise, you may have to shake it lightly once or several times harder.
I spent $1000 on a dog "trainer" (who smoked more pot than my entire high school cheerleading squad) for him to teach me that. And it works friggin' miracles.
At least she's cute, though.
Good luck!
32. jesse james said:
If she doesn't like bourbon try vodka and she doesn't like that try something else, and then something else - But that dog needs a drink!
33. anne cunningham said:
if they had words they'd tell us, so you are right, they use their bodily functions instead.
brought our teddy bear pup home from a day being boarded, and a day of grooming and he's finally home, happy to see me, runs outside to play, then runs back inside, pauses and pisses all over the doormat by the patio door, then runs back outside to play.
kind of like, "oh, it's so good to be home, oh it's so good to be home .... oops, wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to show them how pissed i am over the boarding and the grooming shit ... wait, should i piss or shit?!?! okay, i'll piss!"
then it's back to playing and playing, and "oh it's good to be home, good to be home!"
34. Debra said:
God, that story sounds like my past week has felt.
Reminds me of my friend's Cat "BOB" who was so pissed off at his owner not being around. Paul came home, left a brand new bag of litter in the kitchen and left to spend yet another night with his new girlfriend (now wife). Bob tore the litter bag apart, strew the litter ALL over the kitchen floor and took a huge dump in the middle of it.
Hope your future holds much less poop spray.
35. Vee said:
Call me whatever you want, but poop is the reason why I don't have pets. I have a fish and cleaning that bowl is a task for me, so no dogs. No thank you. I'm sorry all that poop was all over the place. I cannot imagine the smell. Ew!
Hope the family is well.
p.s. Let the haters hate, they don't rock like you do.
36. firerobin said:
I've never heard of a foxtail. I learned something new today.
I honestly thought for a second that maybe Coco had eaten a fox and somehow shoved its tail in her ear.
37. Celtickat said:
Those foxtail things look vicious! Poor Coco, poor you! After reading these comments, I have to ask: Do ALL dogs do this poop thing on the floor? I was thinking that perhaps when I retired, I would get a small dog (I've always had cats. They vomit. Repeatedly. Never on linoleum. Always on carpeting.) Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if this would be such a good idea.
38. Paying Attention said:
Foxtail: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foxtail_(diaspore)
http://www.dooce.com/daily-chuck/2008/07/14/early-evening-rumble
39. Kim said:
And this is why I'm okay that my apartment complex only allows cats. I can't even imagine having to clean all that up.
40. sarah said:
how can people not know what a foxtail is? it is so true that only a dog lover can fully understand the absolute greatness of this post.
heather - you are doing it wrong. bwahahaha! don't you know you should check for foxtails after every walk? you bad dog mom you. ok seriously now - between the paws is really important. those things will burrow in to the skin and travel through the body and cause infections so horrendous poop in the dog bowl will not even be blip on the radar.
you are doing it wrong!!!! that made me laugh so hard i pee'd my panties a little. just a lil.
disappointed there was no meet up in SF like in NY and other places...boohoo for SF. must be because our transit sucks so bad? tell jon he was a huge whiner this weekend! :)
41. Alexa said:
Dogs with Irritable Bowel Syndrome are a rough time. Ouch.
42. LRN said:
Our cats act equally assholish at the vet, however, they at least confine their shit to a box.
I'm bowing my head to you that Coco still lives! I'd probably be tempted to Craigslist her after that, though I'm sure I'd cave at the sad puppy eyes.
43. TC said:
Just for the record, in case no one else has mentioned it...Anesthesia and/or sedation can really mess up your digestive system. And when I say 'your,' I also mean Coco's. How do I know this? I not only have a dog who's been through more than one such 'procedure,' but I also have a child who had an...ahem...similar reaction after being sedated prior to being put under for about 30 seconds to have ear tubes put in. I KNOW whereof I speak.
44. cj said:
Heather! I just need to say that every time you write one of your unfortunate/funny dog stories, I thank my lucky stars that I am a cat person!!! Cats are low maintenance, don't act like f*cktards in public, and their shit factor is almost non-existant. Maybe consider one? Your stories would be alot less entertaining, however.
45. Lindsay said:
You are too hilarious! I keep waking my baby up laughing at this post. Oh, I feel for you. You poor woman!
I think the pooch has a "safe toilet" thing. In her case, "safe floor, et al" would be more like it.
I have an English Mastiff / St Bernard mix pup. She's 80+ pounds and only half grown. I will be certain she never goes NEAR a foxtail. A critter as big as she holds more poo than I care to clean.
Thanks for the heads up!
46. kelly anne said:
I'm adding to Sophia's above comment about pennies. Rather than a plastic bottle, try a tin for a much more jarring and unpleasant sound. Our mutt, who's now over a year old, fears little in this world except for that tin. We started shaking it whenever she and the other dog would throw down, and now all you have to do is reach for it and they both cower. Best use of $5 in change and an old ugly tin box EVER.
47. gingela5 said:
This post is right up my alley! Your dogs sound about as good as my dogs at the vet. Have either of your dogs taken a crap on the floor because they were so nervous? No?! And as I was going to clean it up the nurse ran out saying, "no, no don't clean that up we'll use it as her stool sample" A vet visit is such a humbling experience...
48. Astrogirl426 said:
I think I might have something that would top the foxtail (and you can always tell the city folk, those who don't know what a foxtail is. Heh.), not in doggie angina-producing stress but in sheer horror for the humans, and that is:
Fleas.
Oh, the infestation of fleas is a special kind of hell. A special kind of hell that Will. Not. Go. Away. until you have flea-bombed your DNA back to the stone age, along with the house and everything in it. I truly pray you never have to go through it.
And the crap everywhere? Oh, the ONLY thing better would have been if Leta had witnessed it (she didn't, did she?) so that she could tell everyone within earshot for the next 500 years about how there's crap. On the coffee table. Kind of like our son did after the (fucking!) cat left us a crapapalooza one morning. I love animals, but really, that morning i was just thinking, would anyone miss her? really?
49. Sheri said:
OMG, and to think I have 4 dogs!!!!!
Doesn't Coco eat her own poop???? I would have told her to clean up after herself.
Is she feeling any better now??? Or are you just screwed???
50. DeeBee said:
I have one thing to say about that story.....What is a foxtail?
51. gingela5 said:
Sorry to double post but I wanted to clarify the floor they're pooping on is in the "waiting" room at the vets. In front of everyone!
52. MeL said:
Thank you for making the time our dog ate the telephone seem... well, really not so bad. I'm dreading the impending vet visit (same thing - shots to prepare for the kennel) for the simple reason that my dog has no manners at all. There is no calming down phase; there is asleep or there is batshit crazy. 60 pounds of batshit crazy boxer at all times. It's awesome. Remind me why I got a dog to begin with? Or better yet, why you would purposely have two of these drooling monsters?! :)
53. Middle-Aged-Woman said:
What I can't picture is how you were able to text Jon from the vet's with Coco pulling one way and Chuck pulling the other.
Purple tights rock, but I just can't get with the First Blood thing.
54. tenakim said:
I'm so afraid! I'm in day 2 of a new puppy and not real happy about it and it's not going well. For some reason, every blog I've gone to today has a dog issue. It's a sign, a very bad sign!
55. Stella said:
WHAT is a foxtail? How did it get in Coco's ear and HOW DID YOU NOT TAKE a PICTURE OF IT??
I've seen a photo of Jon's crazy eyebrow hairs that you tweezed and no shots of a foxtail? Don't let me down like that!
56. Zenmomma said:
This is exactly why I love you so Heather! I'm doubled over laughing. We returned home from a week's vacation to find that our pup had used the corner of the living room for her crapping station. Oh that I could describe these events with one half of the hilarity you posses.
Oh, and sorry about the mess and crying and stuff. Bad for Dooce. Great for the internet.
57. Chelsea said:
Oh dear lord, that must have been horrible for you! My dog did the same thing after we last took him to the vets.. only he did it all over the floor of the waiting room, not in the privacy of his own house.
58. thrice said:
Don't they give dogs Valium, in Utah? http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/magazine/13pets-t.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=p...
And what is wrong with me that I am laughing so hard about a story of dog shit? Oh, I know. I don't have any animals at the present time. Thank God.
59. mel said:
I just have to tell you, from another mini-aussie mama (he's almost nine months old)...
You are not alone and I sooooo feel your pain.
60. Kirsten said:
I can't wait to read how Coco, and Chuck, react to the can o'pennies trick. That should spawn some seriously awesome blogging.
But, "beware the Ides of Foxtail, Aye, Coco, but not gone."
Bless you for putting up with Coco's poopiciforiusness, and leaving him in the drop off box in Murray.
61. Anissa@Hope4Peyton said:
In all seriousness, my dog decided to take a master shit-trip around the house...including using her tail in a windshield wiper motion that made the neatest shit spray pattern all over the walls...that dog moved outdoors.
And on a day like today, if I thought for a second that shitting on every surface of my house would relieve my stress, the next sound you'd hear would be my zipper.
62. Kirsten said:
Make that: NOT leaving him in the drop off box in Murray!!
63. Cristie said:
Welcome to the life with an Australian Shepherd. I have one. But, there is a silver lining: pretty soon, she will settle into being the best dog ever! It will make you wonder why you ever though she was bad. I promise!
64. Kimberly said:
I wonder how much and where in the house a sea monkey would crap after an excursion like Coco's...
65. NoL said:
oh my! another post where I almost feel guilty for laughing soooooo hard. Thank you for posting!
66. Clair said:
Yikes! Coco definitely needs a drink. My new favorite is a sidecar, but I'd definitely try cheap tequila first.
67. Michelle said:
I laughed out loud. And then I pitied you all because of the crying and the crap.
And then I laughed some more because you are funny and I am evil, the end.
68. Amelia Sprout said:
I laugh only because I have a dog that is a different variety of crazy, and while mine is nucking futs, at least she isn't that kind of fucking nuts.
Thank you for sharing how wild and crazy she is, it really is therapeutic for some of us.
69. Betsy said:
What's your secret? I loved my dog dearly, and, I thought, unconditionally right up until the day I had my first child. Suddenly, instead of focusing on the joy she brought into my life, I focused only on the dirt and hair and GUILT she brought into my life. Now, with two children, I have become just like all those other evil, neglectful pet owners I used to criticize. You know, the ones who banish their pets to the mudroom, and claim they don't have time to take them on long walks, and, oh the shame, accuse their dogs of smelling like a pile of dirty laundry. Sea monkeys could be the ticket.
70. Cassie said:
When I lived in a studio apartment I had two cats. Bad enough. And then they started pissing everywhere even though I had TWO litter boxes. In a 500 sq ft apartment. One time they pissed in my bathtub, easy enough. Another time they pissed in both of my running shoes. How Coco was able to get it in her food bowl and how they managed to aim for the running shoes is fucking ridiculous, but also quite amazing.
71. amy said:
Thank you! I have been having puppy pangs lately and I keep thinking I want a puppy, that my four year old would love to grow up with a dog. And then I hear these stories and we're sticking with hamsters. We'll let the neighbors have the dog and we'll just stop by visit and then leave when the crapping begins!
72. Ann said:
I am so sorry. So, so sorry. How could anyone write hate mail to you? Answer me that. I mean, really.
73. Taryn said:
I completely understand, I was going to adopt a dog and during its stay with me it ripped through its crate tearing one of its nails off, pooped in my kitchen and then ate it. Then when I got home from work I watched it puke up its poo onto my bed and carpet in my bedroom. Just lovely. Also it made me really happy you said dickwad.
74. Lauren said:
OMG. I just laughed so hard I have tears streaming down my face, and have nearly just suffocated!!! I have two dogs, also...Harry and Sally. They are like my very own version of Chuck and Coco. Harry is the best, and Sally...well, she's the Spawn of Satan, himself. Perhaps she and Coco are related.
75. Sarafina said:
I mean, poor dog and all, but mostly poor you. Jesus.
I get so paranoid with my dog in public, like every gross thing he sticks his nose into and every sound he makes is a direct reflection on my worth as a human. Like it's actually me rubbing my face into a mound of deer scat.
76. Jen said:
Oh, Good Lord, God in Heaven! I am sorry, but I am just crying and laughing here. And my stomach is clenching up a bit because I have a deposit down on a puppy due to be born in a month.
77. KD@ A Bit Squirrelly said:
My dog is on Prozac and tranquilizers, not to mention some sort of flower essence concoction my mother-in-law cooked up to help her deal with fear and anxiety, and she still craps on my floor. We got her from a rescue group. We think they were pleased to see her go.
78. Christina said:
OMG. Have you thought about putting bourbon in an eye dropper and giving it to Coco?
79. naomi said:
sing it now...
"this is the poop that never ends.
yes it goes on and on my friends.
some people started pooping it
all on the cupboard doors
and i'll continue pooping it forever just because
this is the poop that never ends.."
80. val cox said:
hilarious, thanks for the great story!
81. paige said:
Every really, really wonderful dog I've had...ones that I had from puppyhood?
I wanted to kill them when they were puppies. My last WonderDog, once she was about 2, I would turn to my husband and say "Aren't you glad we didn't drown her?".
She was a Very Good Dog but she was an extremely trying puppy. Also a herding breed.
82. Missives From Suburbia said:
Can. Barely. Make. Out. Keyboard. Through. Raucous. Laughter. And. Uncontrollable. Tears.
Oh, GOD... I have been there. I'm so sorry. But thank you for sharing your pain so that the rest of us may find great mirth and joy in it.
83. Kriss said:
We have a great pyrenees who had MAJOR stomach issues. You think Coco's poo is bad? Try having a 130# dog with the runs.
We finally put her on Iams low residue food. It's ridiculously expensive, but you can only buy it from your vet and it's extremely gentle on our big girl's stomach.
Also, we have to give her a generic antacid every, single day.
For a while, we had her on a daily vitamin supplement, too, called FortiFlora. It took about 2-3 weeks; but once everything came together, she was like a new dog.
http://www.amazon.com/FortiFlora-CANINE-Nutritional-Supplement-Purina/dp...
I don't know if any of this will help with Coco, but I wish you all the best.
84. Kiley said:
Chuck is the weirdest dog I've ever come across. What dog ENJOYS going to the vet?! I had to go get a nurse at the vet's office help me EXTRACT my growling, frothing-at-the-mouth 86-pound dog out of my backseat last time I took her to the vet. She's usually the sweetest dog ever. And when you get within a 100-foot radius of the vet? She's a demon. Congratulations on such a sweet, tender, sensitive dog as Chuck and his polar opposite, Coco.
p.s. If you haven't heard it already, check out MGMT's song Electric Feel. It's a lot of fun, which is how I feel about your suggestion of Ice Cream by Muscles awhile back.
85. Andrea said:
Oh dear...I am laughing so hard I'm crying!! You poor thing - never again am I going to complain because my dog Tigger left some hard doodle in his crate!!
86. June said:
Coco is extremely annoying to read about. Why don't you two give her away already? We would understand if you do.
Chuck, I like.
87. catnip said:
I love dogs, but after reading your Coco stories I don't think I ever want to have one. The worst my cat does at the vet is drool on the techs.
88. HMFT said:
Laughinglaughinglaughing!
Not laughing. Oh God the shit.
This makes me love my snake all the more.
89. Traci said:
OK, I have bronchitis right now. Really bad, coughing-up-a-lung-sounds-like-I-smoke-2-packs-of-unfiltered-Camels-a-day-kind-of-bronchitis.
So, the hysterical laughter that this post caused has in turn caused me to go into one of those brain-rattling, gut wrenching coughing attacks. I felt like I might die...or at least stop breathing for a few seconds...
But Heather, it was so worth it.
Thank you again for making me laugh like a crazy person.
On a side note: I've got a beagle/lab mix with seasonal allergies who eats his own fur off and is currently on steroids....want to adopt him? (kidding! sort of).
90. Debbie said:
You are a MASTER of funny writing. A MASTER. "Pacific Ocean of crap" oh, that is just too, too funny.
How does one learn to write like you? Do you think the degree in English Literature helped?
91. Wendy said:
Heather - You ARE doing it right no matter what the other 89 people may or may not say. Just wanted to share the best trick I learned from my holistic groomer. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do live in SoCal - San Diego to be exact! :-)
Canned pumpkin is the best cure for doggies with the runs. And...if it could be any better - they love it!
92. Erin N said:
My dog is a bigot, too! I don't know what his problem is. It's embarrassing.
93. Jennifer said:
This might be the funniest blog post you've ever written. All I can say is it makes me glad I have a cat.
94. Dawn said:
Oh.Lord. I shouldn't have laughed at your struggles to get the dogs into the vet but I did. Out loud. It was the picture of Coco trying to get away from the vet's while Chuck jumped with joy that did me in.
One of my cats would be very impressed with Coco's artistic expression of her angst. Poo is his favourite medium too.
95. Michelle said:
When we had multiple difficult pets, we found a vet that did house calls. It was a $10 charge on top of whatever else she did. But so worth it not to pack up four cats and a dog and go to the vet.
And our dog tried tried tried to tell us she needed to go out in the middle of the night last night. And we kept telling her to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. So we woke up to a guest room covered in dog shit. Our own damn fault. But she couldn't have gone in the kitchen or the bathroom where there's tile floor? No, had to be the white carpet.
96. ThomG said:
I feel your pain:
http://thomg.blogspot.com/2008/07/shes-fecal-freak-it-must-be-something....
97. anna said:
Be glad the foxtail was in her ear and not elsewhere. I had a basset hound that got a foxtail stuck in her hoo hoo and it had to be removed.
And I agree, ignore the haters. I think you are very talented and deserve all the success you have achieved. Rock on.
98. Anonymous said:
Sounds like someone needs some Prozac. The only dog I ever had that ate poop would constantly puke all over the house or explode like Coco. It's all nerves. I hope she outgrows it, because the stress it produces for you is felt ten-fold by her and so on and so on. I feel your disgusting, smelly pain!
99. sara said:
Oh.My.Hell.
I can tell I'm too much of a dog lover when I keep thinking, "Poor Coco." Instead of "Poor Heather." I feel your pain, and am so grateful right now that my pup is a little 10 pounder that uses a litter box. I never have that shit-on-the-floor problem. I do have friends with a 90 pound lab, however, that do. Any time their dog has any sort of sedative (which is required just to clip his nails... not kidding) he has the shits. Just saying... be ready for it next time because it will happen again.
Oh... and I just looked up what a foxtail is. Have you figured out how that dog managed to do that? I swear she just knows you need something to blog about...
100. Jennifer said:
I'm so sorry! Poor Coco.
We've had our share if awful visits to the vet. I feel your pain.
101. The Niffer said:
I gotta meet this Coco.
102. jt said:
Heather,
1) I can't believe how many of your readers don't know what a foxtail is. Where did these people grow up?
2) I can't believe how many of your readers who don't know what a foxtail is, didn't just type "foxtail" into google.
3) You missed a great opportunity to use the phrase "tsunami of shit". But, I think it's not the last opportunity you'll have.
Welcome back.
103. AmyM said:
I'd love to say "I'm sorry you had to go through that". But I'm not sorry. Because I thoroughly enjoyed reading about it. (Yes, I am a sadistic bitch, why do you ask?)
104. Lisa said:
I have no words
Well that's not true.
I am glad that you have CoCo and I do not. My gag reflex at this point would have put me 6 feet under.
105. rahree said:
ok, so is it possible that your Coco and my black lab puppy, Boo, are actually twins separated at birth? There's nothing quite as wrong as waking up from a sound sleep to the smell of poo...
thanks for sharing the pain.
106. Tonya said:
Heather, you make me laugh. After a hard day of taking care of two small children, I can usually count on you for a laugh. Thank you so much.
And I, too, once cleaned us a holocaust of doggy shit. One Christmas Eve, my husband fell asleep on the couch (HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE PUPPY). The puppy broke into the cat's room, ate all of the cat food and cat poops (YES!). Husband didn't know that, put puppy in his crate and went to bed. I woke up Christmas morning (CHRISTMAS MORNING!) to a shit covered puppy and a dog crate that looked like that scene in Trainspotting. Merry Christmas!!
107. Witchy Mama said:
Oh my Heather, I feel your pain. I worked for a vet for years and saw those poor nervous animals and stressed out owners come in.
Hope all is well now!
108. Jen said:
My husband always tries to solve my problems before I've even told him what they are.
So, to that story, I say, "Dude, that sucks. Need a hug?"
109. Twenty Four At Heart said:
Can not stop laughing. And that would be ... because I have been there and done that. Those foxtails are evil devil spawn and they always find the ears, or between their toes (do dogs have toes? maybe I meant pads!). And poor Coco ... but she is not only suffering a case of nerves, but also punishing you for taking her to the vet. Fun times!! I think maybe you should get another dog??
110. Jane said:
This post makes me glad I have a parrot I take to the vet instead of dogs. Everyone expects a parrot to scream, squawk and behave horribly during the visit, but afterwards...my bird is humble and quiet for hours - about the only time out of the entire year. And we have newspapers on the bottom of his cage for those extra, unexpected poops!
111. Kirsten said:
OMG! I am so sorry you had to ensure the experience that is Coco, but OMG am I glad that you do, because stories about bigoted dogs make me laugh. I especially like the circus analogy which includes teh INTERNET! I'm supposed to be working right now, and I have that image in my head. Thanks.
112. Beth said:
"So there I am in the parking lot, one dog yanking the leash away from the building, the other dog jumping three feet at a time into the air because he can't wait to get in"
That's how my kids act when we go to the pediatrician.
Also, I hated the popular girls in high school. The pretty, funny, FUN ones. Why? I was jealous.
113. Robin G. said:
You might want to reconsider that whole "Coco not getting bourbon" thing.
114. Laura said:
Ugh, this is all too familiar. I have had the worst experiences with puppies the past couple years. It makes me want to swear an oath I never want another pet as long as I live. My next dog will be a pet rock.
115. Lyla said:
An Aussie with a grass awn in its ear? Yup, that sounds like a recipe for chaos. lol. A lot of dogs need sedation to remove foxtails from their ears,though. It's definitely not just Coco. You certainly have my sympathy about the diarrhea all over the kitchen.
In cases where you have a few days notice before going to the vet (like her next routine exam)you might try giving her an herbal supplement like Pro-Calm. It takes several days to build up and some dogs it doesn't work for, but it's worth a shot.
You might also ask your vet about some Alprazolam (Xanax) to give prior to office visits. I know a few dogs (including my own) that it has helped.
116. Marie said:
I laughed out loud all the way through this story! Heather, you are a master storyteller. Hysterical, but oh, I feel your pain. In fact, I shudder.
117. Just Jinny said:
Oh no! That Coco sounds like a handful. A cute handful, but still.
Maybe we don't have foxtails down here in West Texas because I can't imagine what they look like (I'll google it later). But, didn't Chuck have one in HIS ear too? I have just got to know what those things are that they get stuck in dogs ears like that.
118. Jenn said:
Jesus Christ Heather, you've had one helluva week. I've read a lot in the last 24 hours about how you in particular "Do It Wrong" and I just don't get it. I don't understand how you are supposed to live up to the unique standard by which you're being held, while all the other BlogHers profess to being flawed - and have those flaws celebrated.
I hope that there continue to be enough of us who appreciate your work to justify you keeping it up.
I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of a loved one. Take care of yourselves. Above all, have a shit-cleaning-free rest of the week.
~Jenn
119. Lucy said:
I think foxtails must be a regional thing because I'm in Chicago and I've never seen or heard of them. Sounds awful, though, and if we did have them here, my dog would be getting into them.
Heather, I don't want to be one of those a-holes giving you unwanted advice, but have you ever thought about a raw diet for Coco? I volunteer at an animal shelter and I've seen it do wonders for both cats and dogs with issues like this, even if it is a nervous issue and not strictly a digestive issue.
Good luck- yikes!
120. Mother Earth said:
i think pet stories are very funny, however prior to being a dog owner, which was only a year ago, I would not have been able to relate. Experiencing your coco as she matures has been fascinating and funny. Our dog came to us 2 yrs old and tramatized. The ghosts of which sometimes appear out of nowhere. We missed her growing up, and perhaps that was a good thing
121. Diane said:
I know it was awful - but you make it seem so funny.
My daughter-in-law returned home to find their Bernese Mtn. dog (still puppy) had pooped all over her laundry room, walked through it a million times then tried to get out of the room by scratching the walls and door. She now has deep grooves with ground-in poop, which she has scrubbed & scrubbed with no success.
Thank God for my cats!
122. carpot said:
Wow, I'm exhausted just reading about...that.
123. Suzy said:
My Yorkie once took a violent dislike to a boyfriend I had at the time. He was French. Yorkies don't like the French, apparently.
When we woke up in the morning I went into the living room and the dog had squeezed out a small turd on every pile of albums (it's so hard to write that word and still manage to lie about my age) I had left scattered all over the place. He had to CLIMB on top of some of the piles and AIM correctly because not a one of them was near the edge of any album.
When I screamed "merde!" the Frenchman just thought I was swearing.
124. Tammy said:
I needed a good laugh more than oxygen today, and you delivered. Your animals' antics make mine seem like a walk in the park. Thank you!
125. Jenny said:
What a day! I'm so sorry.
Aussies are something else. My roommate of four years had a massive Aussie (around 70 lbs I think?) in our tiny rental house, and he made for some interesting social situations.
I never knew how strong the herding instinct is in those dogs. He was never happy until ALL OF US WERE IN ONE ROOM, my roommate's cats and my dog (smaller than the cats) included. It was really odd. He'd run circles, nipping at heels, and when we were finally all centralized, he'd be able to rest.
My dog Cosmo's only natural instinct seems to be to perch himself up as high as possible on pillows. He's a Shih Tzu, and I've heard they were the dogs of the Ming Dynasty. Guess we can't escape our history.
126. Nhiro said:
Your dog is the valedictorian of shitting. Condolences, man.
127. k said:
You've bonded! How sweet.
128. Marie said:
Bless your and her hearts, but I loved the Coco story! Glad she's feeling better.
Also, I loved the purple tights, AND I had a huge crush on Sylvester Stallone when I was around 10. I remember swooning over him on a magazine cover w/ my bff. So tell Jon that there's at least ONE out here!
129. Sarah said:
This made me laugh until I cried. Thank you for sharing.
130. caren said:
you are flippin hysterical!!! your dogs should have their own reality show!
131. Risa said:
...sounds like you woke up to absolute horror and just wanted to go back to sleep hoping it was just a bad bad dream. Hang in there.
132. merlotmom said:
OMG! I am sooo sorry. We've had dogs for years but never been through anything quite like that. Our new puppy is chewing EVERYTHING up in sight...but no spraying diarrhea... yet. Was very nice meeting you this weekend, btw.
133. Melanie said:
Wow, I sort of hate your dog. Sorry about all that shit.
134. Blookum said:
You make me laugh until I pee myself a little. Thank you for sharing your perspective with the world.
As for the haters? Fuck 'em and let 'em eat beans.
136. Sara said:
You can tell a story like no one I've ever read before...thanks for the laughs!
137. susan said:
THIS.IS.HILARIOUS!!!!
Even though I don't have a dog, I can relate on so many levels with my cat episodes.
You truly have a gift for the written word, and I love your sense of humor. Thanks for the good reads!
138. montsnmags said:
Yeah, dogs are great, aren't they? I especially like it when, after some explosive diarrhea, they come and sit on your lap and don't forget to tuck. That's always cute. Probably not as cute as when they're going through some heavy-duty coprophagous phase that you weren't totally aware of and then come up and give you a big "sloppy" kiss (this is even worse when the "copra" that they "phage" is not their own, not some dog's, but someONE's that they found in the parks you walk them in outside the footy stadiums the day after some big sporting event).
I'd never be without my dogs, but...well, I hear Giant Burrowing Cockroaches make pretty easy pets.
139. Anonymous said:
The purple tights are awesome, although I reserve the right to be mildly annoyed with you because you have those long slender legs that can wear purple tights and look simply fucking amazing, and I have short dumpy legs that, in purple tights, would make people run away screaming in horror. Oh the humanity.
To those who don't believe that cats shit-punish, get real. I could fill your ears nearly as full as the garbage can was full of cat turds with stories of how my vengeful little bastards indicated their displeasure with my having gone out of town and left them under the watchful eye of a friend (who spoiled them rotten, by the way). I'm such a heartless bitch, going out of town to make money to buy them Iams and large quantities of fine Mexican catnip. Ungrateful little shits. But I love them anyway.
140. Katherine said:
One day I'll own a dog, who will do something irritating, and I'll think, "I'm so lucky. Dooce has the hard dog who shat all over the floor." And then I'll grab some whiskey.
141. Bookish.Spazz said:
Ewwwww poo is nasty.
Now I understand why my parents constantly refuse to let me have a pet.
142. Natasha said:
COME. ONNNN. ! HOW do you DO this? I mean, I'm an animal lover and I believe, too, that when you adopt a pet that it's a lifelong decision. You don't just drop 'em off at the Humane Society because they eat a few shoes. BUT.
I THOUGHT I knew what a foxtail was. I mean, I knew it was a plant. So I googled "foxtail plant" and found this: http://www.aztecanimalclinic.com/foxtails.htm And it was a scary read! Coco got off lucky, it sounds like.
I think Jon's comment may have been about the QUANTITY of poop. Stress doesn't create poop. Food does. So, what did she eat? Another dog?
I'm really sorry. No one should have to go through that. I don't now how you didn't throw up everywhere and I wonder, how do you feel like the place is disinfected enough after that?
Also, the tights were great! Not the first time anyone has worn coloured tights. I guess JULY is not a common time for them.... Ya. Why were you wearing tights in July?
143. doug said:
Um, yeah. You two really must enjoy the time away from home, no? Even sitting all day in an airport would be preferable to a kitchen full of shit to me.
I was spoiled, though. The chow my ex-wife an I had actually got into the tub on his own (we weren't home) when he had the runs, so all I had to clean up was his trimmed butt hair. Let me tell you, he got treats for THAT.
144. Heather's Garden said:
I know you're having a hard time and dogshit all over the place isn't helping. You keep making reference to the internet criticizing you...remember that it is a very small minority, the rest of us love you! I miss the more personal stories, but I totally understand why you're holding back. I'll never have anything like the following that you have and I have to say I'm glad. It takes a special person to write, design, and photograph as well as you do, and an incredibly special person to share even a little bit of their personal life with so many potentially hostile strangers. Be proud!
145. Sarah said:
On the bright side you should be happy you don't spray shit when you get anxious or else blogher would have been real awkward.
146. melissa said:
If it makes you feel any better I own a TERRIBLE dog too. And there is only one of her and I can't control her when we go the vet and she acts the same way. And I want to die of shame and embarassment in the waiting room and crawl under a chair most of the time. Oh and she likes to shat all over my house to when she gets nervous.
147. Lauri said:
My friend suggested I read this entry to help my perspective about dealing with my wild puppy this evening. I must say this story helped so much!
148. Scale Junkie said:
My two go Cocoberserk at the vets too.
When I told my husband that taking them was a nightmare he replied with "What do you expect? They stick things up their butts there" Hmmm, he has a point.
149. Terri said:
I was upset because the maid came today and when I returned from the gym one of our four dogs had peed a HUGE puddle (seriously, it was the size of a million extra large foxtails) on the tile floor.
Guess that seems like a picnic in the park right now!
150. TKS said:
If it makes you feel at all better: I live just outside of Boston. My Boston Terrier abhors thunder and lightning. Tonight, the storm "system" over our area is so terrible that they issued a tornado warning earlier (thankfully, in the land where a 1500 square foot costs $500K, there aren't many trailers 'round here).
So here's the funny part: tomorrow, I am going away for 3 days/2 nights. My MIL is watching our 2-year old and our dog AT HER HOUSE! This dog is going to go on a crapping-in-the-house tirade that may be as of yet unimagined in this universe.
I would feel bad if she didn't tell me consistently that I don't have any pride in my home...try taking pride in your home once my pooch has shat all over it :)
Whee. Here's to maturity!
151. Emma said:
Also, I live in Australia and I don't think we have them here - what is a foxtail?
And I have never heard of a dog that loves the vet! Chuck is so unique :-)
152. Katie said:
One of my friends directed me to your blog shortly after I started mine and entered the world o' blogging and I LOVE reading this and laughing. Although dog crap from a small dog is nothing compared to the time I dogsat for a 14 yr old, 85 lb black lab who got separation anxiety and had diarrhea ALL over the house, ruining 6 rugs, covering 2 floors (including up the stairs,)and topped off with me stepping in it first thing in the morning as I stumbled blindly to the bathroom. It took me over two hours to clean and I was late to work. He wasn't even my damn dog. I was just proud to have not vomited while cleaning up that awful, awful mess.
153. Amanda Brumfield said:
You looked like a stone- cold Fox at Blogher, wish I could have been there to help support you.
The purple tights are badass and the only thing that would have made them more badass is if they'd had hot pink flames up the side of each leg, outlined in little black letters that read, "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...".
Who's rock n roll up in this bitch? Heather Armstrong, that's who.
154. Beth said:
I dig the purple tights.
155. jennielynn said:
LMAO We were kicking the idea of another dog around, a puppy for the kids, you know? I think I'll be pulling that off the table now.
156. Courtney said:
I needed a belly laugh tonight.
My dog used to shit in her cage and roll in it within five minutes of me leaving her. EVERY time I left her. Believe me, we tested her. That takes pure, raw talent. I was not so much impressed though.
157. Anonymous said:
Not sure what a foxtail is. Not sure I want to know, but my heart goes out to you. You seem to have a wealth of patience. We've been toying around about the idea of getting a dog. Giving in to our daughter's all too frequent requests/begging sessions. I've been on the fence about getting a dog. Thank you for helping me get off the fence and say no -- for now. I love dogs, but not sure I love their crap all over my house.
158. Court said:
YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!! YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!!
159. Ms. Karen said:
Wait... I think I understand!
You didn't adopt a dog, silly people, you found yourself the tenth level of hell.
Niiiiice.
(sorry about the shit in the kitchen, and especially the dishwasher. The dishwasher?!? That is some talented beast you have there. Damn. The dishwasher!)
160. Catie said:
At least its not a common occurrence. My parents have a cat (Spoofer-Angel) who is scared of her own shit and will get nervous during a poop and try to waddle off with dingleberries stuck to her butt. EVERY DAY.
161. phhhst said:
Our Border Collie made one year in March and when he went to the vet for his check up he was so anxious he expressed his anal glands. It smells like fish oil on hot shit.
Thank-you for cheering me up; I go back to work tomorrow (high school teacher) and had been thinking of jumping off the roof so I could stay home in casts.
162. Anonymous said:
My fiance just read your post to me. We have a similarly bigoted puppy. I think our Eli has been looking for little white pointy hats at every pets store we go too.....
163. Giyen said:
do i really want a dog?
the aussie we used to have couldnt stand fecal matter and would crouch in horror every time she pooped. she never pooped in the house, but would make us walk for miles and miles and miles before she would even consider shitting. you know, just in case the neighbor dogs would see.
164. Tracy said:
Alternatively, she could be like our puppy, and eat the leather couch.
*sigh*
As gross as poop is, it can be cleaned.
165. Gabe said:
Can you please take photos of these famous Coco shit storms and post them on your Web site? Pllleeeaaassseeee!
167. Tracy said:
I Love Chuck
168. Vanessa said:
Ugh our 100 lb rottie got heat stroke earlier this week and threw up buckets and buckets 8 times all over my house. When dogs get sick they get sick and it is explosive.
Not fun at all.
169. Anu said:
I just died and went to heaven............laughing
170. Lauren said:
I can only imagine how stressed out you were...just READING your post made me roll my eyes in empathy.
I have two dogs. I love them, but sometimes, being a pet owner sucks.
I hope to God Coco gets her shit figured out (pun not intended). She's a handful...fo' sho.'
171. gingela5 said:
So, what's the grossest thing that your pet has done? I think mine was when I looked out the back window and my dog was ripping apart a bird. Really very appetizing.
172. margalit said:
Coco is lucky you found that foxtail. They are dangerous little things that can easily move throughout a dog's body and implant in their heart. When we lived in Colorado, my Irish Setters constantly got foxtails in their feathering, and we had a few that abcessed over the years.
She's an adorable dog, but she's not going to calm down for a long time. She needs to be working. Can you take her to a place where she had herd Canada geese? In our little city, we have several Aussies that herd the geese on the school playgrounds throughout town. They keep the bird poop off the playing fields, and the dogs feel important and get tired. It's a thought!
173. Edward Pollard said:
You know, I bet a small drink of bourbon would have done that dog wonders in recovery.
Something for for next time.
174. Undomestic Diva said:
I have three little boys and let me tell you, SHIT: It's Universal. (Said to the tune of the whole Beef: It's What's For Dinner campaign jingle, only truer.)
175. Abbey Lile-Taylor said:
Oh Holy Crap.
Here I emailed you about my dog Molly and the nasty foxtail in her nose and blood all over the floor when you're dealing with such worse crap...literally!
I won't lie...I'd MUCH rather have blood all over the floor than shit.
On a cleaner and happier note, I really enjoyed hearing you speak at BlogHer. You were fantastic and the highlight of my trip!
176. jess said:
omg i can't stop laughing. and i feel like a real asshole about that, but not bad enough to stop. srsly rolling here.
i hope coco is doing much better now.
our dog has to be groomed regularly and she shits in the car every goddamn time i take her to the groomer. EVERY TIME.
not cool.
177. Jenn said:
I feel for you. Our dog once ate about 10 of the foxtails once they went to seed. She had to be anesthezied to have them taken out of her throat. This happened twice. Although we didn't have the crying or the all the poop after.
It is a funny story though....
Jenn
178. Jenn said:
I seriously don't know how you tolerate Coco after having such a mellow dog like Chuck! This should tell you that Chuck is one in a million!
179. Keri said:
Oh my god...that made me laugh out loud. I mean, I feel for you and all, but oh man. I have to say I admire you and Jon for keeping Coco, I think I would have given up long ago! Life is just too short. But kudos to you for hanging in there, you're far braver than I am!
180. Nicole in DC said:
I just wanted to mention here- I'm not sure if anyone has ever brought this up. Coco actually means "shit" or "poop" in Portuguese. I lived in Mozambique for quite some time (they speak Portuguese there) and the moms always say to their kids "Precisa vai chichi? Precisa vai coco?" / Translation: Do you need to go pee? Do you need to go poop?
Anyways, just thought that might explain Coco's shit obsession.
181. TX2Steph said:
My aging dog takes FOUR pills a day to control her Irritable Bowel. It took several months to find the right combo that worked for her, and of course she would get stressed out every time we went to the vet so... yeah. Perpetual poop.
Also, you are NOT doing it wrong. Ever. You have courage, humor, passion and a clear vision of what you want to achieve. How the hell could you go wrong with that combo?
182. Amy said:
Having your home (especially the kitchen where you eat) coated in poop is never a pleasant experience. I used to have a sheep dog mix, and after 10 months of complete and utter destruction, piles and piles of bodily functions, a lot of training classes, and lots of sweet puppy kisses we re-homed him to a 400 acre goat farm where he is now doted on by two little girls. He does agility training and herds goats, and they tell me he is the perfect dog. Go figure. We replaced him with a black lab mix puppy, who destroys nothing and lets my toddler ride on her...
183. Abby said:
You guys should call up the producers of Dog Whisperer and see if Ceasar can come out and help Coco get a grip! Bless her heart!
184. Headless Chicken said:
Suddenly I'm glad all my neurotic dog does when stressed is vomit yellow bile. "maybe they won't notice that I exist or that there is a circus going on around me." Story of my life!
185. Sarah said:
I cannot express how NOT wrong you are in everything you do! I am a new reader to this blog, and you rock, girl! Also, thanks for the story of your unfortunate experience with Coco - not only was I laughing so hard my sides hurt, but I am evermore thankful that I just have a chinchilla! =)
186. Katybeth said:
This is probably old news but have you considered a crate? Cleaning poop out a crate is worse than a floor but overall it will calm a dog, prevent chewing and encourage housebreaking. I know and love many mini Aussie’s with high herding instincts that have been tamed with the help of a crate. On the other hand, while a crate might offer you a solution, it would give you fewer amusing, stories to share about your dog destroying your house, barking non-stop, and eating poop. Of-course not every dog will “crate†but most will,a good dog trainer would be able to offer you other suggestions.
Love the pictures of Chuck.
187. sara said:
I can only suggest that you never play "Waltzing Matilda" around Coco, because that song is about a man who steals sheep, and she would probably lose her effing mind.
I am so impressed with your patience with that animal. I would not be so.
188. Laura said:
"A PACIFIC OCEAN OF CRAP!" would be an awesome way to head the August banner. Just saying.
189. Feilisha said:
Coco is a cup of surprises, huh?
Well, my dog pooped the other day, too... it was only a Gulf of Mexico, not a Pacific Ocean. I "ignored" the mess, only to leave it to my mother to come home and clean it up; and yes, it stayed fresh. I doubt Leta would ever do such a horrible thing, and yes, it was very mean and selfish of me to do so.
Hope all fares well!
190. kim at allconsuming said:
We just gave our two dogs away.
Suddenly my life is like a Hallmark card.
The end.
191. Tania said:
This is my first visit to your blog and I laughed so hard at this post. Love it!
I recognise the exasperation/guilt/embarrassment about Coco barking like a mad dog at kids and puppies. It must be something about dominant-type herding dogs....we have a 12 month old 90 pound longhaired German Shepherd and he is work - a lot of work. Luckily I love him otherwise he'd be a very good looking rug in my family room right about now.
I 2nd the advice about the Dog Whisperer (comment 183). His ideas for dominant dogs work. They really work.
And I laughed really hard at Montsmags comment (no 138). I hear you! How about a dog that loves to drink from the toilet...which the kids have 'forgotten' to flush (or put the lid down)...and there is copious amounts of 'copro' in it and then he wants to 'kiss' you! BLECH BLECH BLECH.
192. Rachael said:
This was already worth reading when I got to the one scared dog and one excited dog trying to rip you in half. I'm definitely glad they didn't, but that is a pretty funny image. I'm sorry about the poo though... that stinks. Literally.
193. Annie said:
It's been a LONG time since you've had a story this funny.
My dogs only used to eat walls and furniture. I doubt I could have survived the shitstorm Coco has put you through.
194. Agnieszka said:
OK I totally hear ya on the bigot part. My dog Sophie is the sweetest dog on earth. But if she sees anybody in a wheelchair she totally goes Cujo on them. She's 105 pounds and stands hip height to me, she's a giant. A lovely, sweet, wheelchair hating giant. It's so embarassing.
195. Rachie said:
wow. just wow.
I have a new dog and I thought that I had problems with him. all he does is chew on things. like pens
196. kim at allconsuming said:
Oh - and those purple tights? And your hair?
AWESOME.
And I want a pair of those sneakers. In green.
197. Catherine said:
My very ferocious COCKAPOO thought that fluffy puppies were for gnawing on at the vet. Oddly, they and their owners were not amused.
198. jazztater said:
When I was an infant, my mom and dad had a purebred female collie who was named Leta (funny coincidence huh?). Leta was not only a bigot she was also gay or asexual (she refused to be bred). My dad told the story about working out in our front yard and before he knew it, Leta had our black mail man on the ground with her teeth on his throat and all of his letters up in the air swirling around him.
My wonder dog, Scarlett, a Pembroke Welsh corgi, does not like going to the groomers. One time she actually made a break for it while she was there. She got out of her collar since her neck is bigger than her head and was almost out the front door before she was stopped. Now she can tell where she is and plants her feet into the ground outside and refuses to move. I end up carrying her into the store which is like carrying a short 32 lb. log.
My own personal horror story experience with poop and animals is limited to my Willy cat who has had a subtotal colectomy due to an injury that I unknowingly inflicted upon him years ago (closed the garage door on him - all I could see was from his mid-torso to his tail).
Please be patient with CoCo - it would break Chuck's heart if you decided not to keep her.
199. KJ said:
Ah, the waiting room hall of shame. I once had to take our (neutered) dog to the vet because his lipstick hadn't gone back in the case (that is a euphemism) for a whole day. And I had to explain this problem to the assistant in front of a waiting room full of people while trying to prevent my 100-lb overly-friendly and over-exposed lab from lunging toward all of their well-behaved and properly sheathed pets. And then I got to watch the vet lube him up.
200. andrea frazer said:
I saw you speak at Blogher so I know you read all your comments, so I have 3:
1. I'm so not a hater. Bad bad haters. Liked the purple tights.
2. I'm sorry about the dog, but you told it so well.
3. I would not advise a turtle over a dog any day of the week. Have you seen turtle crap? It's not only long and stringy and worse than silly putty, but it carries salmonella (spelling... I'm lazy, sorry) and if your daughter ever touches it she'll crap more than poor Coco. No joke.
Hope all gets better soon.
201. lucidkim said:
wow. you've just convinced to get a turtle instead of a dog. i can't get the image of a pacific ocean of crap in your kitchen out of my head.
kim
202. Jenn said:
Ok, I had to google "foxtail" because I just knew that you did NOT say there was an actual fox tail in her ear. I was quite relieved to find out what it really is. I read the whole post wondering, "WTF???? Well what the hell happened to the rest of the damn fox?" I feel quite dumb now. But then I'm in Ohio, maybe we don't have those here.
203. Kate said:
Funniest Coco story EVER.
204. Carrie said:
Is nobody going to mention the fact that you said "demonic goblin?" Nobody? That, right there, was not overlooked.
Either way, I feel your pain w/the Aussie. I have one of those myself and he is a royal pain.
205. Rosie said:
Aaaah, this is why my husband won't let my kids get a dog. And I just thought he was being mean! I forgive him.
206. Brat said:
I am never getting another dog. I'm sticking with cats... LOL
I'm sorry. It was hilarious, but I'm sorry you had to go through that.
But happy, so we could laugh WITH you. Never at you. Nope.
207. Cheri said:
This had me in stitches. It's wonderful to be able to come to this site and have a good laugh after the night I've had. I truely appreciate that you are able to find humor in these frustrating situations. What else can ya do sometimes? Great read!!
208. emily said:
Frequently I read, and frequently I think that is the most hilarious thing ever. But this truly is the MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER.
209. Mandy said:
That is hilarious/disturbing! I tell ya, if I had a dog that crapped as much as Coco, she would be sold to the lowest bidder. You are more patient than I am! Good luck.
210. Tania said:
Not sure if there is any connection, but in Portuguese "coco" means poop - or coconut, depending on where you put the emphasis (yes, Brazilians do have a hard time not cracking up on the beach when the American tourists order a poop water). Does your pup have any Brazilian in her? Maybe she takes her name literally.
211. Elizabeth said:
Poor Coco! I had to Google Foxtail, poor pup having one in her EAR! But still, all that shit? Probably a reaction to the anesthesia, but STILL.
Oh, and add me to the list of people who thought your purple tights at BlogHer were awesome!
212. Kat said:
You should totally call The Dog Whisperer.
213. Mommy Madness said:
My two-year old recently gave Coco a run for her money! It was day two of potty training and Camden insited on being naked so he could, "Pee-pee in the potty chair." Well, he was "helping" me do laundry --- his favorite place to stand is on top of the dryer while I switch the loads. I am putting clothes into the dryer and all of a sudden there's diarrhea everywhere. On top of the dryer, down the sides of the dryer, down the sides of the washing machine, on the floor in between the two, and all over me. I still have no idea how a toddler hiney can cover that much area with a single spray... Needless to say I put the naked potty training on hold until the diarrhea went away.
214. momof8 said:
You know after going through 8 kids with diapers, I told my children they could have any pet they want--as long as it doesn't poop. After reading your blog I think I am very wise. You must really love that dog.
215. Honey said:
I love when you cuss. It makes me read faster!
216. Bergundy said:
Why not give Coco up for a more appropriate home? Honestly, this animal is best suited to life on a farm or mountainside, sleeping outdoors except in deep winter.
The sheer level of unhygienicness boggles the mind. I thought a smelly diaper was bad, having dog excrement is beyond gross. It might be dangerous health-wise for the humans in the house
217. jacq said:
awww -
i'm glad that someone else thinks that it's a least a little reasonable that dogs sometimes communicate with shit.
i mean they can't talk. and the phrase "pissed off" came from somewhere....
btw - my dog kept my wife from being late to our wedding. when she's nervous she starts projects. i was sure that i'd be hanging out at the altar in my utterly hot dress while she was reorganizing the basement. but instead, Malik decided to decorate the kitchen with poop (he was a very sensitive boy). and, because i'd been feeding him super green algae (don't ask) - the poop was green. by the time she finished cleaning the kitchen, it was time for her to head out to the ceremony....
218. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy said:
This is why my daughter and I have a pet snail. It has yet to shit up my kitchen. But my 60 year old, 400 lb. next door shit on my couch once, if that counts?
219. Anne said:
So sorry, humans of Coco! It's a herding dog thing, and reminds me of the time we got the Atlantic Ocean of shit out of my beloved rough collie when she was freaked out. Also storms and hurricanes freaked her out, and I moved from California to the Gulf Coast, notable for its lack of sheep and for its plethora of, you know, storms. Bummer. I played Orthodox chant for her, so the deep bass notes would disguise the noise outside.
Collies should not have flagyl, but you should check about Aussies. Could really settle the stomach--use symptomatically. Aforesaid collie had her own dedicated bottle of plain flavored kaopectate, with a toddler syringe kept next to it. You can't overdose them on the kaopectate, and even if they spray it out of their mouth, its better than poop. Also sedates them a bit.
220. Mary Jo said:
This makes me even more excited about picking up my puppy this morning. We are getting a 2nd beagle... adorable! But man... not looking forward to potty training.
221. Mary said:
My dog recycles---tries her best to eat all her poop ! Ugh. If she would have been there I know she would have really enjoyed helping clean up !
Welcome back ! You wear the purple tights oh so well.
222. eve said:
I vote a bourbon next time you take her to the vets, each.
223. Val said:
After reading your post I had a flashback to the very early morning about 7 months ago when I had gotten up to check on our baby. Near the changing table (which we kept in the living room to discourage visitors) I noticed something dark on the ground. Luckily rather than groping around on the floor in the dark, I turned on a light. Unluckily, I discovered that our dog had left a multitude of little islands of poop and poop particles floating on our carpet all around the baby changing station. I think it was the dog's way of saying "thanks for that visit to the kennel, you jerks". Or possibly, "I was here long before the small, squalling one". I considered cleaning up the poop party myself, but decided that I shouldn't deprive my husband of sharing in the experience.
Thanks for sharing about Coco and Chuck... you made me laugh.
224. Anonymous said:
LMAO! Here's to Coco someday growing out of her pain-in-the-ass puppyhood!
225. Deanna said:
Reminds me of the time our otherwise-lovely black lab/German shepherd mix growing up--she had a, er, delicate constitution. Both my parents were working late one time and I was the first one home and found...the shitstorm. Everywhere, all over the carpet (and not a DROP on the kitchen tile, natch), in huge long spurts. To this day we have no idea what triggered it. My sister was dropped off by a friend about twenty minutes later and I met her at the door to say, "I'm giving you the chance to walk away now and go next door. If you come through the door, you aren't leaving until you help me clean everything. And I'm not telling you what 'everything' is." God love her, she came in anyway.
For August: "Dooce: Doin' It and Doin' It and Doin' It Wrong"?
226. Elaine in the UK said:
My first husband and I had a dog who was so overjoyed whenever we came home that she would run up the hall to greet us wagging her entire rear end and pissing herself with excitement as she ran!
Now I have 4 cats. However, when I got my 4th kitten the 'Boss Cat' decided she didn't like her. She used to corner her and stand over her growling and hissing menacingly until the baby pooped herself explosively and rolled in it! I can't tell you the number of times that cat had to be bathed! And have you ever tried bathing a cat? A poop-covered cat? This went on for much of the first year we had her, and I seriously thought of re-homing the new girl. However I consulted a cat behaviour therapist and eventually we got through it. In fact, now - amazingly - they are actually good friends! I really think a behaviour therapist might help Coco!
Oh, and here in the UK we don't call them 'fox tails' - but I was able to guess what they were.
Elaine
227. xixita said:
been a Dooce follower for the past 2 months and not regreting at all. thank you!
BTW, you know that "COCO" in at least Portuguese and French means "poop" don't you? so it was kind of already decided when you named your dog...
congrats for the beautifull family you have.
228. J. Bo said:
There's nothing left to say but "Oh, honey..."
Oh, honey...
229. Kathy said:
My cat hates the vet. Let me rephrase that: she the car ride to the vet. Once she's in the building she's all sweetness and head bumping. And it's not just normal cat crying on the way there, it's that high pitched wailing that says I'm a horrible pet owner for doing this to her.
230. lynn said:
theres a product called "rescue remedy" that you can give to dogs (and people) thats supposed to be calming. my aunt uses it for her dogs (and herself sometimes;))
231. Julie said:
Ok....and that is gawdawful.....but can you possible give Coco a little puppy xanax next time you have to go to the vet? Poor all of you. Sounds like a slasher movie, only with dogshit instead of blood.
Welcome back.
232. billygean said:
My father wanted to share his prozac with our cat when the cat went so mental he ramsacked the kitchen looking for catnip, ripped the bag open and, mixing the catnip with his drool, spread it all over the house. We had to follow the trail of drool and catnip paste to the back of the back garden where he law sprawled on his back like a stoner.
It was not cool.
BG
233. Janet said:
Somewhere, somehow, someone must make bourbon for dogs. Sounds like a reasonable solution.
234. Suzi from Pink Vanilla Cupcakes said:
Possibly the funniest post ever. I've never heard of a foxtail before. Those are absolutely dreadful. WTF. Glad the dogs are okay now. Sorry about your kitchen crapfest. :(
235. stacey said:
oh my. That is what I felt like when some kitten's I was watching crapped ALL over the bathroom floor. It was so disgusting. So I don't want to give you ASSvice, but have you thought of having Coco medicated? No I am serious. My sister is a vet and one of her dogs is medicated. She has OCD. Yup a dog with OCD. Of course it could be that there is no medication for Coco....and it is all behavioral. Watching a dog now who isn't happy with me and is peeing in places that she shouldn't be (hot tub cover) Animals are fun.
236. Anonymous said:
Just to keep solidarity with other husbands out there, I recollect that you wanted Coco and Jon didn't, correct?
So shouldn't YOU, not he, be keeping track of her?
237. Autumn said:
Thank you for making me laugh today. :)
238. magpie said:
Crying I am, and laughing. My god, now I know why I don't have dogs. Too funny though.B
239. Soph said:
why is poo funny? and lots of poo lots funny?
240. A said:
If it makes you feel any better, I stepped in my cat's pile of shit she left at the front door this morning.
Not the same magnitude, but you can't deny - nothing says GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE like stepping in and/or coming into any sort of contact with animal crap.
241. Adrienne said:
MAN you're funny. I'm sorry about the exploding dog shit morning, but you are one funny lady. Also, I'm glad you use reCaptcha. It's my favorite.
242. Lauren said:
I took our 80 pound weimaraner to have his talons cut the other day at Petsmart.... they have to grind them off with some kind of medieval stone while he is sedated. When I went to pick him up he was noticeably upset and reeaaally wanted to get outside. When I stopped at the register to pay he sauntered over to the MIDDLE of the ENTRANCE FLOOR and took a gigantic, runny, orange-and-tan, pestiforous dump. I turned around to the people waiting in line and took a bow.
243. Dodi said:
1. GROSS. Exactly the reason we don't have a dog. (The three kids provide enough shit, thank you very much.)
2. Glad you opened your comments! I've just recently found your blog and have wanted to comment several times.
3. I admire your courage against the haters. It can't be fun to write knowing they are going to tear you apart each time. Keep it up!!! It's like celebrities on SNL...you know you've made it when you're big enough to be made fun of!
244. t(h)om said:
this is your best post in weeks. terrible awful story, but told in such a tremendously wonderful way.
245. amyz5 said:
THAT could only be appreciated by a dog owner. your description of getting the dogs into the vet and not wanting to have eye contact with anyone killed me. i have been there.
as for the kitchen crapfest, that is more than any dog owner should bear. makes you ponder the pet value, no?
246. Eleanor's Trousers said:
Apparently Coco and I both get nervous stomachs when under stress. I just manage not to poo on the kitchen floor... but who knows? If I had someone who would clean it up for me, I just might.
247. Kristen said:
Woooohoooo!!! I made it before the comments were closed!
Heather- I just want to say how much I enjoy reading what you write. I look forward to it every day. I save your page as the last one out of all of my daily websites that I check because it is my favorite.
You are awesome!
I've actually started reading your blogs from the beginning....very entertaining.
Poor Coco, even more so, poor you! My husband and I have been thinking about getting a second dog, but reading this is giving me second thoughts!
:)
248. Rick Smith said:
Oh my god, I may never stop laughing. Poor Coco -- and poor Heather!!
It's official; with that story you just surpassed Shirley Jackson as my all-time favorite homelife storyteller. What the world needs now? LIFE AMONG THE SAVAGES 2 by Heather Armstrong. Get on that, would you?
249. andrea said:
Is it bad that I'm laughing really hard? We had a cat that required five technicians to hold him down and he still managed to piss on one and scream the entire time like a banshee. And then another time he had to be deskunked at Petsmart, you know, one of those giant stores and the entire store could hear him as he screamed bloody murder.
I do feel bad for you about the diarrhea. Been there with an Irish Wolfhound. No words just ew.
250. Jessica said:
My beagle Lady is kind of a bigot too ... she barks at our African American family that lives across the street. And also people in wheelchairs.
I am always quite embarrased.
So I am extra friendly when this happens ... saying hello and making some lame comment about the weather.
251. Chilao said:
HILARIOUS!
Actually dogs sniff each others' behinds to see who is getting the better food.
But if you think that is bad, I have two male cats, neutered,
2 and 7, who clean each other's butts. Not really sure what to make of it, actually. LOL Maybe my third cat, the house "B"(old female) turned them away.
(heh, they did not learn it from me, okay?)
252. numbmum said:
Just had a new thought: Are you worried Coco might feel exploited and betrayed by this post when she is all grown up and out of diapers?
253. ACM said:
What kind of Nikes are those?
Where did you get them?
I want a pair but can only find them with white laces and I like the blue laces better.
254. Sara said:
My dog barks at puppies and wants to eat them too.
255. Sara said:
I almost wrote, "What's a foxtail?" because I have an annoying sense of humor sometimes.
256. Lovebuzz said:
Ok, that story was so funny that I just peed a little.
257. ET said:
Thank you. I am having one of those absolutely shit-tastic mornings, where you'd rather gouge your eyes out than be sitting in your office and there isn't enough coffee in the world to fix it. And this, this made me laugh. While I'm not one to wish explosive bowel antics on anyone, thank you thank you thank you for sharing. Maybe now I won't maim anyone.
258. Carynski said:
Quite possibly the best story yet. Although you KNOW we want to see a picture of that freakin' foxtail!! That is crazy.
Parker loves the vet too - same reaction as Chuck...minus the puppy-eating. ;)
259. Kate C. said:
My dog is a boxer but I think there's a chance he and Coco might be related.
In the days following our cross-country move from Detroit to LA, Conor-the-hysterical-wreck started pooping all over our shiny new apartment carpet. And it wasn't just normal poo! Oh no! He literally started shitting blood. What a way to break-in a home.
260. Becky said:
Posts like this are why I LOVE YOUR BLOG! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
You are a great writer... which you already knew but it was worth saying again.
Thanks!
261. Jeff said:
And this is why I love my Golden Retriever.
262. anne :) said:
I am so sorry for the craziness at the vet (and then the pooping afterwards).
I feel for you.
My Great Pyranese mix had the same issue at the vet's office, in the car, in the presence of people, around objects of any source, and also alone in his crate.
It didn't make a difference to him where he was or what was going on - but it made my life a lot more hectic.
Sorry for your situation and here's to hoping it gets better as she gets older.
263. Over Poop said:
I laughed. But not as much as I would have laughed last week. See, I've been living in an ocean of poop myself this week. Our newest dog, a 3 year old Shep, is having separation anxiety manifesting itself in large poop piles in his crate which he then rolls in. If that weren't bad enough, our puppy, an 18 month old Boxer, ate something disagreeable and vomited and had massive diarrhea in her crate. I went to my bedroom to change into a hazmat suit where I discovered one of the cats had barfed in the hallway. I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!
You guys are the best. My day can't start until I've read a new post or seen a new pic...I didn't get much done last week!!!
264. Emily said:
That was hysterical. I almost peed in my pants. That poor, poor dog.
265. Frost said:
I needed to laugh that much today. You make me feel better about my own shit-eating beasts. Thank you.
xo
266. Beth said:
Oh Heather, the joy of having dogs! I feel your pain. My westie gets diarrhea anytime she gets the least bit excited. We crate her at night, well not crate, but she has a nice large pen in the family room (not the most attractive thing) she sleeps in there after her and Bo the scottie pissed all over the couches, chairs, and carpets. So now, 2 couches and chairs and a nice berber rug later, we have pergo (love it) and a nice new sectional that the animals are not allowed up on. Can't afford to keep replacing furniture.
I think dogs are more work than kids. At least kids grow up and become somewhat self sufficient. At least they hopefully stop shitting al over the floor by the time they're five.
Cheers!!!!
267. Stacy said:
I have your site on my RSS feed so I got read about Coco's buckets of poop first thing this morning. It's okay and I will be having breakfast when I'm done with this post. After working for a animal hospital for 5 years, poop is not a appetite killer.
Besides putting Coco through the process of desensitizing her to her doctors office ( your stress and reaction doesn't help matters either by the way. Any tension on the leash and or in your body language is going to set her off) maybe it's time to ask your vet for some mild doggie downers for when she has to go in. They don't have to knock her out, but they should take the edge off.
With that being said and considering what breed she is, doggie downers may not work just because they are a high energy breed, in which case making her run for a hour or so before her appointment should help knock her energy levels back a few. Adrenaline rushes can sometimes be by-passed so that medication will work, but more often than not this occurs in lower energy breeds such as Pugs.
Getting her used to going to the vet would be my first course of action though. You don't even have to bring her in, just leash walk her around the property. Once she stops freaking out about that, bring her and just chill with her in the waiting room.
This sounds really dumb as who brings their pets to the vets just to hang out? Most people only bring their pets to the animal hospital when they are sick or need vaccines updates like in Chuck's case, so pets are never given time to learn how to relax when they go to the vets. Coco doesn't remember the time she had her uterus removed, honest. Dogs live in the moment and don't hold on to the past. Humans do that which makes humans more difficult to deal with than a dog that is terrified of his/ her vet. Personally I find dog issues much easier to grasp and to get a handle on. Humans cause far too much of their own misery and use it often and casually like it's a everyday vitamin or something.
Meh! Unsolicited advice is bad, but why drive yourself insane just because Coco has stuff stuck in her ear. If you can get her to sit still in front of the camera, certainly you can help her get a grip on her reaction to going to the vets. Chuck wasn't angel in this situation either, but Coco really does need to get a grip.
268. Anonymous said:
It's stories like this that help me keep life in perspective. I love your blog.
269. Manda said:
Let me tell you something. When you see a cute puppy you momentarily become mentally handicapped and yell, "AWW I WANT ONE". And so you do get one. And all you want to do is snuggle it. No, this thing pisses and shits and whines. Even after it pisses and shits OUTSIDE it pisses and shits INSIDE. Then your friends are like, "Oh, my dog stopped doing that at 2 months". It's a lie. It takes a solid year. Puppies suck to own. Snuggle your neighbor’s puppies. They do stop eventually and you get a normal dog like Chuck to snuggle.
270. Laura said:
This is the best:
"Can't eat that shit now CAUSE IT'S BEEN ON THE FLOOR."
I can only imagine the frustration but what would you blog about if there were no Coco in you life?
271. ThEsnOwFlAkE said:
Just when I thought I had the Dog of Satan, I start reading your blog and all the posts about Coco. I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with exploding shit bombs in my house... my Shih Tzu does the same thing; gets so worked up over such stupid things and then sprays her displeasure everywhere. I now own stock in carpet stain removal products and Pine-Sol... damn dog.
272. Jill S. said:
I'm sure it's wrong that I laughed through this whole story, I'm sorry. If I could bring you a box of cookies (which solves most of my problems), I would most definitely do it. Hugs.
273. Krista said:
Have you ever thought about giving Coco some of your meds? Prozac would do wonders for the shit-monster.
274. Kristine said:
OMGS=oh my God, shit!
That story was hilarious. Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, I'm totally laughing with you. My dog is such a nervous wreck. She'll see something out of the corner of her eye and yelp like someone just stabbed her in the eye with a pencil. No lie, last night I was sitting on the couch watching some junk reality TV and Sophie out of nowhere yelped. A fly flew by her and out of her peripheral vision she thought she was being attacked. I laughed my ass off. Needless to say, she was so spooked last night, she had the runs today. Dogs, you just gotta love 'em. Great story.
275. Anonymous said:
We can understand this. One of our standard poodles also gets extreme anxiety at the vets and is upset the rest of the day with poo issues. It is part of their superintelligent/sensitive nature.
276. Martha said:
I laughed...I cried
my stress is relieved
I feel good now.
Thank-you
Hope all is better for you.
(at least for a litle while,)
277. Katie said:
I refuse to take both my dogs to the vet by myself. One of them is a nervous pooper. She poops when she's nervous. Try having one crazy, insane dog in the vet's office while the other one is pooping all over the lobby. It took all I had not to drop both leashes and just walk out the door.
278. leesavee said:
Poor, pitiful Coco. What she went through would cause me some bowel distress, too. But poor you and Jon for having to clean it up. Awful, awful, awful. But very funny...since it's not me!
279. Michelle and Winston the Westie said:
Seriously, the funniest dog/vet story I've ever heard. I blog about my dog (still a puppy) so I can relate to this story- though CoCo seems like a handful. Some people don't agree with this, but there are doggie bootcamps you can send your dog to for a month- they come back better behaved. I've never done it- but I've heard they work great. Of course, check the camp before to make sure they are not hurting the dogs...just a thought. Love your blog and I'm doing a link in mine to this post- too funny!
280. Katie said:
Oh, hilarious! But you have my sympathies. We have a great dane who sometimes poops, sometimes pees, sometimes barfs in the house. But now, when I find myself thinking that this is what my life has come to, cleaning up gigantic bunches of dog bodily fluids, I will repeat these words to myself over and over: "at least the poop is usually pluckable off the floor...at least the poop is usually pluckable off the floor"
281. Tami in NY said:
Great Post!! I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with Coco though. My dog did that once and I honestly can't imagine it happening multiple times!!
ROFLMAO at "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
282. Jennifer said:
Aw, I feel ya homeslice!
I used to have a dog, but she died...then I got married and we both had two cats.
Delilah has constant problems with hairballs and no amount of grooming or "kitty wipe" baths helps her.
She just barfs when she needs to barf.
But what a good girl she is, she always, ALWAYS, does it on the mat.
Not the carpet.
Not the table.
Not anywhere where it can't be cleaned.
Always the mat.
It's as if she is saying...I feel sick Mom, but I'm not going to make your life miserable too.
Aww...sweet.
283. deb said:
as everyone has mentioned......we are all laughing hysterically! I have a dog that reminds me of coco. he started out as a poop eater, but we put accent meat tenderizer on his food and he quit eatting his poop..thank God!
Anyway, we found via a friend a dog trainer that we call "the dog whisperer." He came and got Tucker and usually will have a dog for 3 weeks. Usually. He's had tucker for SIX!!!!!!!! My family thinks he's taken our dog and we'll never see him again--which is fine by me! Our dog pooped on the floor, but mainly peed on it which i think is worse. poop can be cleaned up. pee....it hides!
Anyway, the family keeps thinking i am emailing mike the dog whisperer and begging for our dog back. i'm not. i want mike to take his time and train this dog!! I have emailed him twice and all he says is "he is quite full of himself!" mmmmmmmmm? wonder exactly what the dog whisperer means?????? good luck with coco. thanks for making me laugh today.
deb
284. somefatchick said:
Yeah, that feeling I got the first time you posted a picture of Coco? When I turned to my husband and said, "Oh, please, I want one!"? Soooo completely over it!
Chuck, however, is awesome. I thought my dog (2 yr old lab mix nicknamed That Damn Dog) was the only one who would go crazy pulling us into the vet's office. She loves playing with the vet's cat. Bizarre little shit.
285. Denise said:
I am not a "dog person" AT. ALL.
But that story is too freakin' funny!!!
286. suburbanhen said:
I love you.
287. Kristan said:
Aaaww, poor Coco!!
(And I bet you're like, "UH, I'm sorry, DID YOU MISS THE POINT OF THIS STORY?!")
288. Susan said:
God, Heather. When you post, you make it so well worth waiting for. I about died laughing. I adore y'all.
289. WickedStepMom said:
Atleast with sea monkeys, they live in thier own crap so, they require less clean up.
290. katie said:
I love you because you aren't ashamed to talk about poop. Have you seen the kids book about the mole who woke up to find someone had pooped on his head? The title is something along the lines of "The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business." LOVE IT. There is also a 'plop up' version available. My husband is so much his southern mother that he wouldn't let me buy it. Sucks to me him, since I made my dad buy it for our daughter for Christmas, which yes, is still 5 months away.
291. Katy said:
My dog craps all over the place when he's stresed too!! But the difference between yours and mine is my dog is a 5 lbs Pomeranian and your's is a *slightly* larger dog. Bummer.
292. Kimberly said:
Oh my God, I think I just peed myself from laughing so hard.
293. Betsey Booms said:
You know, sometimes spraying shit is the ONLY option.
I mean, really.
294. Kristin said:
I've got 3 dachshunds. 3 very bad ill behaved dachshunds. I want a 4th. Sweet Jesus help me. Amen. I can feel your pain and everyone in the vet's office pain too. It takes us both to wrangle the buggers in there and a whip and chair to keep them in line and still someone has to be taken to the car because they can't play nice. It's worse than having kids. With kids if you give them the evil eye and the don't make me take you out of here look at least you hope you're getting through. Dogs, not so much.
295. Jennifer said:
Oh I am so sorry!
296. Ally said:
Don't worry Heather, Coco's still a puppy and she'lll chill out eventually. She sounds like such a sweetie pie when she's not crapping all over you're lovely home.
My dog Mason still starts shaking and crying from the moment we park at the vet's office until we leave since they cut his balls off. Lucky for me, he's a whopping 5.2 lb toy poodle (with his collar and tags), so he doesn't require much wrangling. The vet and techs are SO NICE! They give him treats and toys to take home, which his is too tramatized to touch. My poodle, the pansy, but man do I love him.
297. Kim said:
OMG, that reminded me of the time when I was eight months pregnant and came home to a load of diarrhea in my kitchen. Shit all over the white cabinets, dishwater, back door and most importantly the easily cleanable slate floor (which had been heated to keep the dogs cozy). How could this have happened? Well, my lovely husband decided to give them a raw bone treat because they would be alone all day. Nothing like coming home alone, husband at work all night, eight months pregnant and still nauseated to clean up dog shit. I still remember it like yesterday and it was nine years ago.
298. Datatape said:
Oh, God, you are so going to get me fired. I am doubled-over at my desk right now, cheeks turning red from the strain of keeping my laughter from echoing through the halls. Good Lord, you are a funny woman.
299. Josie said:
Too funny! Our dog has severe anxiety problems and is on doggie anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines- I feel your pain!
300. 80smoviemama said:
That was too funny.
Thank you for telling us what a foxtail was. You couldn't possibly imagine all the visions running through my twisted brain.
What I want to know is did Leta see the poop parade? And if so,what did she say?
301. Kat said:
Hilarious! I'm sorry that Coco got so upset and you had an awful mess to clean up, but as the "mama" of an elderly Jack Russell "terror" I know the drill. I went on a two night trip out of town and left her in the kitchen with her bed, crate, food & water and a nice neighbor to feed her, let her out and watch Home Improvement with her on the little TV that we left on in the kitchen for company. She was sooooooooo happy to have us back home, but the next morning I woke up and stepped on her runny poo at the foot of my bed and found a huge smelly puddle at the front door. Tension tears up their digestive tracks.
Thanks for the outbursts of laughter this morning, and I hope all is back to (semi) normal there.
302. Heather C said:
Jeez, I thought it was annoying for my dog to get a hold of a dirty baby diaper OR ANYTHING MADE OF PAPER and rip it into a million jillion shreds. My dogs haven't made poopies in the house in some time. Although that may change once we get our new bed and make them sleep in the floor! Oh joy!