Where is Heather and what have you done with her body?
So a lot of people have some pretty strong opinions about my diet. WHO KNEW. I don't think I've written something so controversial since I announced that I was pregnant and was flooded with some angry email about why? WHY? Why go and do that? NOT THAT! NOT A HUMAN BABY! Because then I'd change and this website would become nothing but teddy bears and Martha Stewart craft projects (which I have nothing against, I just tend to glue my fingers together). I'd lose my edge and write about nothing but play dates and which breast pump was easiest on the nipples. And I was all, let me get this straight, I have a choice between keeping you as a reader of my website or bringing precious life into this world? Hmmm. Let me think about that one.
Now I've got people worried that if I choose to give up meat something similar will happen. Perhaps I should mention that I was a vegetarian for almost eight years, from the beginning of college up through the time that I moved to Los Angeles. During those years (Dad, please turn your head for the rest of this sentence) I left the Mormon Church, had premarital sex, smoked pot, and said fuck for the first time out loud. So you can pretty much blame all those corrupt vegetables for the apartment I have reserved in Hell.
No, I am not going to become a preachy vegetarian, or, depending on how I feel after this cleanse, a preachy VEGAN. THERE I SAID IT. I may just give up animal products all together, I haven't decided yet, but it seems just that much more tempting because the word pisses so many people off. It's as if the definition of the word for many people who eat meat is I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG. And although I've met some pretty insufferable vegans in my lifetime, ones who spend their lives being very angry at anyone who eats differently than they do, the majority of the ones I know are lovely, thoughtful people who have made a personal choice. And of course they are the ones who are making the most convincing argument for their lifestyle.
(I should probably point out that I've met some pretty insufferable omnivores, too, but most of them spend their lives being very angry at anyone who has a bigger penis.)
Do I think that a 21-day cleanse is going to solve all my problems? Of course not. I never said it would. It is a start, a first step toward something bigger. I have physically felt like crap for years, and considering how I feel right now on day three of a cleanse it's pretty obvious I've got some serious problems with my diet, in particular with caffeine. I have a headache that started yesterday afternoon and continued up until about an hour ago, a headache so awful that I thought jabbing my hand with a knife might be a more pleasant distraction. I normally drink about four to five cups of coffee every morning, plus two or three Diet Cokes in the afternoon. And then the sugar, THE SUGAR, and oh, the alcoholic drink I have with dinner that sometimes ends up being the alcoholic drinks I have with dinner. I've got some major changes to make concerning what I put in my body, and knowing my mind and habits, I decided that this cleanse would set me in the right direction. When the 21 days are over I'm certain I will add sugar and caffeine and alcohol back into my diet, albeit in smaller, more thoughtful quantities than a 32-oz Frappuccino spiked with rum.
Will I add gluten back into my diet? I don't know yet, that depends on how good or bad I feel at the end, or if adding it back causes some serious problems. And as for meat, I still don't know but I am open right now to the possibility of giving it up. That's been the weirdest thing so far about this experience, how reasonable this diet seems as I'm eating. Many people in yesterday's comments suggested that this is a "deprivation" diet, and I could not disagree more. I'm blown away by how much there is to eat, and it almost feels like I'm cheating. All three meals I had yesterday and the two I've had today have been totally filling, and not once have I craved a sugary dessert. Do I feel like shit? OH DO I EVER FEEL LIKE SHIT. I feel like I've simultaneously got the flu, a cold, and strep throat. But I'd heard this might happen early on as the body rids itself of toxins. And I'm going to allow my body some time considering how badly I've treated it for so long.
As far as giving away my Meat is Murder, Tasty, Tasty Murder t-shirt? Never, although I could be tempted to send it to a vegetarian who promises to wear it to a vegan restaurant.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
618. Makaai said:
Heather - thanks for sharing the lovely photo of your lunch. Looks delish!
* BUT *
Please be careful with the fresh tomatoes [salmonella outbreak]?!! Caffeine withdrawls are one thing, but we, your fans, don't want you to get THAT kind of sick. Love ya. Hang in there. :-)
619. Country Girl said:
yeah, i was a vegetarian in college then i went on a cruise for my honeymoon...They had meat...lots of meat...and I said HELLO LOVER!
620. jennie said:
when we figured out my daughter was allergic to dairy I was like, "oh great now there's nothing to eat I guess we'll all just STARVE". But, three years later, we're all doing fine. I've found lots of substitutions for favorite recipes, plenty of tasty things to fill our plates, and the best thing ever - the cupcake cookbook Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. I highly HIGHLY recommend it.
621. Athena's Mom said:
Everyone I know seems to be on some weird diet or another, so your new diet just gives me another reason to get my friends and family to read dooce.
I have been a vegetarian for 17 years, but have been thinking about going vegan for my 30th birthday. Then I remembered that I like cheese.
Do they make soy substitute pixie stix?
622. renee said:
Regarding detoxing being a myth, it's not- there are lot of supplements, both herbal and nutritional, that aid the body in detoxifying itself. We are exposed to many toxins regardless of what our diets are like, and our organs can't always handle them on their own- but especially if one has a poor diet, smokes or drinks a lot of alcohol. I'd be surprised if Oprah isn't talking about the supplement end of it, because it's so much more effective than just changing your diet alone. I love Renew Life's products, personally, but there are
many supplement companies that formulate products specifically for this- Gaia has a great one, too.
623. BOSSY said:
Ack - diet away, and be well.
624. Melissa said:
I completed a cleanse earlier this year -- during the month of Janauary -- and it really changed my life. It sounds similar to the cleanse you are on (no meat, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, refined sugar, or processed foods) but I went through it with a wholistic nutritionist and a group of about 20 other women. We worked from a booklet the nutritionist wrote and "got together" weekly via teleconference to discuss our progress, recipes, ups and downs and what we were learning about ourselves. It really helped me dissect my relationship with food and understand the ways certain foods made me feel which helped me ultimately make better choices and work on myself rather than say, drowning my frustration/stress/sadness in mint chocolate chip. Amanda Moxley was the holictic nuttritionist, radianthealthcoach.com. She also teaches Bikram (hot) yoga which is another great way to detaox. Good luck!
625. Eve Grey said:
I LOVE it! I have decided in the past week or so too that I feel like a bag of mushy grouchy garbage & the only thing I can control is what I put in my body soo I am also alcohol, gluten & caffeine free.
Perhaps I'll add further misery & try this Oprah shizz.
626. Suzy said:
I'm a sugar addict. My sister, a hateful fitness guru, upped my protein about 10 years ago and all the sugar cravings went away. So as long as you eat the 55+ gs of protein an adult needs per day, you will lose your taste for sweets. I told you she was hateful.
I'm back on the sugar.