That bizarre woman and her rude blog
So I thought I should start this post with an email I got this morning from a Canadian reader named Tessa. Hi, Tessa!
Subject: Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing
You are such a wonderful, wise, witty woman. And there you go making comment after comment about how backward and maladjusted Canadians are. How we need/want to catch up to our oh-so-stellar (read: arrogant) neighbors to the south. Canadians do not talk like hics, and if we do, then we are the only ones allowed to make fun of it. Stop being so rude. It makes you look ignorant.
Canada, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that you are the nicest people I have ever met. How terribly insensitive and ignorant of me. Do I think your accent is adorable? I confess, I do. I DO! Almost as adorable as my friend Carol's midwestern accent, almost. I tell you, you cannot die happy until you have heard Carol ask for a Bacardi and coke. There's something about the way she chews her vowels that drives me nuts, but not bad nuts. Good nuts. It's exactly like the feeling I get when I see a chubby, bald baby, and my insides turn flips because no matter how badly I want to, I know it would be impolite to walk up to its mother and ask her if it would be okay if I ate her baby.
You want to know what's at the top of my list of things I want to do before I die? Burping in front of the president. Some people want to hike the Himalayas or swim the English Channel, and those are noble and worthy, and they're on my list toward the bottom behind other important things like STICKING MY TONGUE IN CHRIS MARTIN'S EAR, but one time I was in the car with Maggie when I accidentally let out a tiny, inaudible burp. And I don't think anything is more offensive to her than actually talking out loud about feces or maybe picking your nose and showing her the booger. Whereas in my family, sometimes we can burp an entire conversation. My brother can even burp in all caps.
She shook her head and said, listen, I know you think that's innocuous, but you keep doing that and thinking it's not a big deal and next thing you know you're doing it in front of the president. That's when I knew. I knew my life would not be complete without accomplishing such a quintessentially me thing. I'm sure that when people ask Maggie what her friend Heather is like, she goes, you know, I think I could pretty much sum up Heather by saying that she is the type of person who would take great pride in burping in front of the president. The end.
And guess who was in town last night. No, just guess. And guess who wanted to drive up to Park City where this particular someone was holding a Republican fundraiser. I'd tap a secret service agent on the shoulder and say, hey! I need a HUUUUUUGE favor, k? I need 14 seconds with the president. 14. That's it. I know this is totally out of the ordinary, but I'm slowly dying of old age, and the number one thing I want to do before I die is burp the alphabet in front of George Bush. HOW COULD HE REFUSE ME? Don't you think he'd be all, BRING THAT WOMAN IN! And we'd bond despite our political differences. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. OH-SO-STELLAR AMERICA.
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Heather said:
Those Canadians are so sensitive...
05.29.08 - 12:12 PM / 1Lala said:
where did she gets those insane ideas from? Did I miss a few posts?
05.29.08 - 12:14 PM / 2Jill S. said:
Hey, no worries. Haven't you heard? Burping is the new ice-breaker.
Love your posts.
05.29.08 - 12:14 PM / 3Saucey said:
14 seconds to burp the alphabet? Now THAT's truly offending to the Canadians. Get it under 10 secs -- they will be utterly impressed and shall forgive you of all transgressions.
05.29.08 - 12:15 PM / 4Anna Marie said:
Lord have mercy Heather. If you do get a chance to burp in front of Dubya at LEAST make sure Jon is there to catch it on video. I want to see the look on his face when a woman 6 inches taller than he, and who has at least 50 IQ points on him, lets one rumble out.
05.29.08 - 12:15 PM / 5Lisa said:
How dare you Heather? How could you say such insensitive things about our neighbors to the North? (Or in my case, to the East cause I live in Alaska). *Note the sarcasm.
You are fantastic, and anyone who doesn't think so deserves to be banished to Canada. And I mean the horrible French Canada where no one speaks English. Oops, did I say that?
05.29.08 - 12:15 PM / 6RHS said:
I know a guy who can fart in all caps, and probably also in German. If the Ed Sullivan show were still on teh toob, he'd be one of the middle acts, between Elvis and Señor Wences. The plate spinning would just be a bonus.
05.29.08 - 12:15 PM / 7Erin said:
Sometimes I read the hate mail you get, and I'm just so confused. I honestly think some people are reading a completely different blog. Everything you've said about your trip to Vancouver has done nothing so much as emphasize how much you love and admire the city and its inhabitants.
I'm with Lala...I think we missed something. Or maybe she did.
05.29.08 - 12:16 PM / 8Kale said:
Seriously? Offended by a-boot? What about their PROcess?
I'm from Northern MN and we talk a little like that and I think it's cute.
I want to moon, wait no, raspberry the pres, not nearly as much fun as a burp, but I can't do that on cue.
05.29.08 - 12:17 PM / 9Insane Mama said:
Ya know, if I could burp the alphabet, I sure as heck would head right over to the White House and present that talent immedietly! Now my teenage son... He can burp the alphabet, in capitol letters in his sleep. Yep, he is that good!
05.29.08 - 12:17 PM / 10Jennine said:
I can burp the entire Canadian anthem. In CAPS.
05.29.08 - 12:17 PM / 11Court said:
Tessa just needs to get over it, eh? That's not what you are aboot at ALL, Dooce!
05.29.08 - 12:18 PM / 12Elena said:
RHS: farting on demand? That is blowing my mind. How??
05.29.08 - 12:18 PM / 13Stacey said:
Would you say "excuse me" afterwards? or just wipe your mouth off and smile???
If you do get the chance and by some great fortune Jon is taping it, can you have Dubyah say CRAYON?
05.29.08 - 12:19 PM / 14Iver Jane said:
Aw! I never thought you were being mean!
I have a seriously deep love of Canadians, the accent is so cool, AND they use the metric system.
05.29.08 - 12:19 PM / 15Jennine said:
Wait... I forgot an important point: I can burp the Canadian anthem, in caps, WITH a midwestern accent.
Ha! I'm the winner!
05.29.08 - 12:19 PM / 16Erica said:
Oh Canada! Come to Ontario sometime, will ya? I would love to hear you burp the alphabet. Also? We can admire each other's accents.
05.29.08 - 12:20 PM / 17Rita (rhymes with Leta) said:
Well I for one criticize Americans (the stupid ones anyways) on a regular basis so it would be highly hypocritical to not allow our southern neighbours the same courtesy (and yes, neighbours is spelled right... IN CANADA).
I met you on Friday and I still kick myself for not asking where you were going after the Meet & Greet, because considering the bourbon flow I'm pretty sure it would have been a fantastic party... IN CANADA.
05.29.08 - 12:20 PM / 18Ashlea said:
I live in Texas and I was personally thrilled when you visited Texas and posted about all the cute things we do and say. Does Tessa realize her email set Canada way ahead on the jerk-o-meter? Way further than any of your posts IMHO.
05.29.08 - 12:20 PM / 19Jill Mormon said:
Wow. That post was like a runaway train. From Canadians to burps like - BOOM. lmao
05.29.08 - 12:20 PM / 20Undomestic Diva said:
I just want to wrestle Mick Foley before I die. That's all.
And when it's my time, I'd like to go by drowning in a Starbuck's cappuccino and then be buried face down so everyone can KISS MY ASS.
05.29.08 - 12:21 PM / 21Lisa said:
I have a friend who's dog can burp on command. Chuck watch your throne!
05.29.08 - 12:21 PM / 22Jacqueline said:
You are my hero.
05.29.08 - 12:21 PM / 23Rose said:
I'm Canadian and I think you are great. This broad can suck it.
05.29.08 - 12:21 PM / 24BOSSY said:
14 seconds to burp the entire alphabet? Bossy knew she was dealing with Greatness, but she had no idea.
05.29.08 - 12:22 PM / 25Amandemic said:
Well, sure when people say (arguably) rude or stereotypical things about Canada, sometimes I get defensive. I mean, it's my country (you American's should relate to that statement...)and I love it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that... I make fun of French Canadians too, but when I read about non-Canadians making fun of them, I feel offended...but, that's okay.
In your defence (sort of?), Heather,I say smarmy, sarcastic things about the States all the time! Would I say it in front of a group of die hard Americans? No...what with your 2nd amendment rights and all. But hey, it happens. And I know you don't say it out of spite or with malintent...you say it because, well let's be honest, it's funny!
05.29.08 - 12:23 PM / 26Ranger said:
Ahh, you don't post your burps on your web site for all to hear. Yours are still in the presidential ambition stage. No ambition, for all of us to hear you. Thank you ...
05.29.08 - 12:23 PM / 27Haden said:
Words cannot describe how happy I got when I read this. Heather, you made my day. thanks.
05.29.08 - 12:23 PM / 28Anonymous said:
Must've missed you dissin' on Canadians, eh?
05.29.08 - 12:24 PM / 29Speed said:
I wonder what Tessa thinks when someone tells her that her hair looks lovely?
It's people like this that got that stupid Rachel Ray/dunkin donuts ad pulled because her scarf looked too much like a keffiyah.
05.29.08 - 12:25 PM / 30