Yes........Toilet water ranks above poop in my book too! The poop thing is totally frustrating! Mine eat the cats poop from the litter box, which is disgusting as well........I've just decided that dogs are STRANGE! hahahahahahahahaha

God dammit, why did I have to be tucking into a box of chocolates as I read that insight into Coco's eating habits? Each individual chocolate shaped like a little brown lump of....Although you couldn't blame Coco for eating these, not with all their milk chocolatey nutty goodness. Hey! Kinda like...

I think it's something that people don't tell you about dogs: some of them like poop. I have friends who has a gorgeous shetland sheepdog who occasionally checks out the poop.

the poop eating is foul. it's like a nasty habit she doesn't want anyone to know about (and you told everyone)...along the lines of someone who bites their toenails or eats hair...very strange behavior.

i would not let her lick me either...jon will have to start calling you poop face.

Ugh, yes my dog gravitates toward it too. He hunts for it like some delicious root in the grass. But my husband tapped him on the butt and/or did the stern voice and it seemed to work. He doesn't eat it anymore, but I know he wants to.

I cringe every time my kid lets a dog lick his face. I think every dog secretly likes to sample a little poop now and then.

I've been told, but never tried it myself, that feeding a dog pineapple does something to their poop that makes it unpalatable...who knows.

Unflavored meat tenderizer sprinkled on food.

That's the only way we got ours to stop; not even the specially-formatted-dog-brand stuff worked.

Wow. You make me feel like my puppy is king of the world. Until I compare my puppy with Chuck, and then she's a total numbskull again. Oh, the rollercoaster.

My Aussie/Border Collie ate poop until she was two years old. Her poop. Cat poop. Bear poop from the trails. Any and all poop.

God.

But just before my breaking point, at her second bday, she stopped. Just stopped.

So there is hope. If you don't kill her before she turns two. :)

This is one of your best posts. Ever. I still get a kick out of seeing pictures of her with the trailing leash...I have no idea what to do about the poop business. We have a case of it, too. And she likes to roll in it before she eats it. Cute.

I can only imagine what Leta must think of this.
"SHE IS TOUCHING MY STUFF WITH HER POOP BREATH!"

Yeah I got nothing for you but a pat on the back and a "good luck with that..."

Sorry, but I've heard that some dogs DON'T outgrow it and can't be broken of it. A friend of mine, who's dog was a registered hospital-visiting dog, who was very well trained, could NOT break his dog of this habit. He tried the tobasco sauce on the poop thing, and says that the dog just said "Yummy Mexican food!"

Sorry.

Try Telling yourself it's a doggie treat.....My dog used to eat shit out of the cat's litter box....we called it KITTY ALMOND CRUNCH.

Ugh. My dog is addicted to cat poop, but I don't have a cat, so it's only an issue on walks. If he ate his own poop, I think I'd have to start feeding him intraveneously.

My dad's dog did this. He got a spray bottle, added a bit of cayenne peper,put it on "stream" and hit the dog in the face with it each time she went for poop. It took a few weeks, but it worked.

There is a clear cut answer to this question; The Poop Patch or Poop Gum.
Doggy Hypnosis?
Maybe if he smoked he would have less of desire to eat shit. I know smoking helped me with that problem...Oh no, that helped me stop dating.

I am no use to you.

My parents' dog does this, and has for almost 6 years now. They, too, tried it all. None of it worked. Their vet has broken her dogs (4 rottweilers) of this habit by using a shock collar. The only reasonn my parents haven't done this is the concern that shocking their epileptic dog with a heart disorder might just kill her.

Good luck!

On a poop-related note, our lab mix prefers to roll in deer poop. It is apparently the equivalent to a fine fragrance.

DUDE. If I change my dog's food in the slightest fashion, she has diarrhea. It is a force of nature to be reckoned with. And when she does, if she's in the same crate with it (say, it happens while I'm at work), she eats it. You know. To get rid of it. Only then she vomits it out, has more diarrhea, lather, rinse, repeat.

it sounds like you're describing my dog...and i don't know it this is any solace, but she has finally broken herself of the eating other dogs shit habit. you obviously know how to train a dog well, like ppl some just learn at different rates than others. we live in a new subdivision still under construction and my dog sits at the window and barks at every contractor, construction worker and neighbour who has the misfortune or passing our house. that obscenity your were talking about...every day.

I don't have a dog... no advice... but that Muppet Sex shit was hysterical. The worst I have is the guy who played me Sheriff's "When I'm With You" - WELL after the song was popular... LONG after we were out of high school... Pleck. I still can't listen to that song without feeling like I just got kisses from a dog who's been consuming doo all day...

Our dog is 8 and still eats poo. Sorry. We are told there is nothing we can do - that is has nothing to do with her diet and that none of those "tricks" do anything. Especially since she eats other dogs poo - so its not like we can sprinkle hot sauce on poo we see in our neighbor's yard. I mean how wierd would we look????

**Also please ignore the suggestion to feed the dog pumpkin - that is NOT going to help AT ALL. Pumpkin is what you give dogs who are "stopped up" - so it will likely give you a bigger problem!***

My dog, also named Coco, likes to eat poop. We've stopped calling it poop and now call it "snacks". It makes it more appealing that way.

Well, don't even THINK about what dead creatures she might have been mouthing, like my PITA dog.

A friend of mine once had a "Map of a Dog's Brain" on her refrigerator and there were tiny sections titled "walks" and "fetch" but the absolute largest section was called "Love of the Putrid." It's just a dog thing, I think. I'm not sure there's anything you can do.

Much like you, we had an older dog, Walter, that's just amazing, and then we got a younger dog (Mervyn) who has been a bit of a trial. And this younger dog did the crying and whining and the in-house crapping and then we got over that and it's all fine, but his one behavior that we can't break is that he LOVES to drink urine. We have stopped sending the dogs out into the yard together because Mervyn will actually lap at the urine coming out of Walter's penis. And that's disgusting. And the only thing I've read online is hey, maybe the dog isn't getting enough water, so he's supplementing with urine. But we give him SO MUCH WATER. And then he drinks it. TWICE.

You need to get Caesar Milan over for a consultation. I can totally see you on his show.

As kids we would sprinkle cayenne pepper powder in other kids sandwiches when they weren't looking. Cruel I know. Might work for Coco though!

See, my dog probably eats all kinds of disgusting things. He eats toilet paper from the garbage can in the bathroom, which generally translates to SNOT from people's sick noses. He also drinks from the toilet, and has the most rank breath ever. Not to mention genital licking and butt licking/sniffing and all that. But my dad puts up with it and lets the dog lick his face. WHY?

He says, "Dogs' mouths are cleaner than ours." And I agree, yes, Dad, dogs have more enzymes to kill bacteria in their mouths than we do. But WE don't go around FINDING bad bacteria to get all in our saliva like they do.

I had a dog that ate her own poop once, and I'd never ever seen one do that before. My dad called her "that sh*t eating dog", and I doubt he meant that as an endearment.

I think the vet said that might be a sign she wasn't getting enough nutrients in her food or something, which turned out to be the case because she ended up having pancreatic insufficiency, which means her pancreas didn't create the enzymes that digest food. I doubt that is your dog's problem, as she doesn't look malnourished. I think she just likes poop.

My dog used to eat poop too. I would yell at her and she would stop but usually she had already gotten in a few bites so the damage was done. One day I was throwing a tennis ball for my other dog and just happened to have the ball in my hand when she went #2 and then turned around and started to dine. I was so disgusted that let the ball fly, meaning for it to land near her to make her jump away scared. Well, the ball took a nasty hop and beaned her right in the noggin. She yelped and ran away like the poop had ganged up on her. She never ate poop again! I am not an advocate of hitting animals but in this case the tough love helped and she had no clue I was the one who threw the ball!

Meat tenderizer or powdered chili pepper. Or the liquid cinnamon that is really hot.

Dogs can get internal parasites and bacterial infection from eating poo.

I have a 15 month old chocolate (Ha!)lab and he went through phases where he would eat his poop all the time and then not again for days/weeks and then start eating it again. The bad tasting poop pills were no match for him-he didn't give a shit (Ha!) if it tasted bad or not. We eventually started thinking that maybe it was something common that he ate. Perhaps he would eat it when we gave him rawhide? So we stopped with the rawhide and he stopped eating his poop. But then out of nowhere he would eat it again. We couldn't crack the code. But I'm happy to report that there has been a change in the past two or so months and he has stopped eating it. I don't know if he's lost interest or if it's because we dart after his poo and confiscate it at departure. Which was another theory initially-that he was 'cleaning' up after himself like he watched us do for him. Either way, I'm hoping it's over for good.

I'm sorry I'm no help with what to do next, but I can definitely relate to how upsetting it is when you have to try and shake a turd free from an unwilling gob. Or worse the kind that drools out. Eek!

Good luck!!!

Oh dear commenter #52...my dad sprinkled cayenne pepper on our dog's poop...she didn't like it so much after that.

This post reminded me of my neighbor - who let her dog eat vomit on the sidewalk outside of a local bar. Suddenly poop is not so bad, right?

you are not alone with poop eating dogs... if you find a cure that really works please advise...

our dog goes into the cat box to find poop to eat... ew

Our Sheltie, Vel, does that as well. EW. However since she's barely four months old I'm holding on dearly to the hope that she'll grow out of it.

The gagging noise though, was that only one night? Just reminds me, Vel was diagnosed with a minor case of kennel cough just last weekend, from making that strange coughing/ gagging noise in the back of her throat. However, she's young enough to be really susceptible to it.

"screwing Elmo" huh?

I can see why dad might break out in hives when he reads your blog! ;-)

And about the dog eating poop--what can we say, dogs are DISGUSTING!

"Dave's Gourmet Insanity Hot Sauce" does wonders. Before anyone calls me cruel, it won't hurt your dog, because one taste and they are done. It is what stopped my english bulldog puppy from eating the house (trim, bookshelves, carpet, etc...). Tastes like hot sauce, not food. Doesn't taste like hot sauce, have a party. If this doesn't stop Coco, I am afraid nothing will stop her from eating poop.

Thanks for the biggest laugh I've had all day. My husband and I just adopted a puppy and are reminded daily how hard it is to train and house-break a 13-week-old terror. At least he only likes cat poop -- it's easy enough to keep him away from the litter boxes. Usually.

Oh! Don't eat poop and don't talk like Elmo during sex. No wonder I wasn't getting any second dates.

My sister-in-law feeds her dogs pineapple after they've eaten, she saw Victoria Stillwell on Animal Planet do it and it works for their poop eating dog. Good luck. :)

You could try a thiamine vitamin supplement or Prozac. Either way, you should talk to your vet.

Our dog use to do this and now that he's on Prozac (for aggression) he's no longer interested in it.

Dogs eating poop doesn't disgust me (I have become desensitized to it). But a grown man speaking like a muppet during sex? OH DEAR GOD! How did you not end it right then and there? Or did you?

My mother had a dog with the same problem. There was NOTHING that would keep her from eating poop. The only thing grosser was when she puked poop and then consumed the puked poop. Drinking toilet water ranks WAY higher.

poop and animals freak me out. more so with cats than dogs though.

i don't like how cats walk around in their litter boxes moving around their poop then precede to walk on peoples kitchen counters where they prepare FOOD!

i mean no thanks to the poop counters and the ca ca paws of a cat. ick.

I have had a hard time with my dog "marking" his territory all over my houe! I guess it makes me feel better that he isn't eating his own, or anyone elses shit! Now, if I could just convince my husband to let me put diapers on him until he breakes this habit of peeing all over..... IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! (that is a short drive)

Good luck. It gives us something else to obsess about besides what is really wrong with US.

Mandy

A+ post; would read again.

The whole toilet-drinking issue isn't as gross because you regularly clean your toilet and because, every time you flush it, it fills with clean water. I have the same double standard.

My mother has an Australian Shepherd who will eat ANYTHING, including wood, rocks, paper, tinfoil, razors, glasses, shoes, mittens, and the occasional yummy helping of whatever poop is available. He does this much less when he has enough exercise. Obviously, I don't totally know your dog's exercise routine, but when you have an easy-to-care-for dog like Chuck, you might underestimate just how much running-around-time little miss Coco really needs.

Also, she's a herding dog, so she's keeping things neat and clean and looking after the herd. And she's a puppy ... she could still outgrow it.

AS's usually do really well with herding lessons ... if there's a farm or something nearby where she could run with the other herd dogs, you might see a drastic difference in her behavior.

You know, I was fine reading your post, not a stomach-churn in sight. But mid-way through the comments, I had to stop because I haven't eaten lunch yet and I was starting to feel a little sick. And I love dogs!

I have not experienced this particular problem, but I would consider the recommendation to get a heavy-duty squirt bottle loaded with cayenne pepper water and spray her face forecfully every time you witness her little habit.

That kind of aversion training has been successful for me...not to mention the mean little thrill I get because I can call it "training" while letting loose some annoyance over their behavior.

All I have to say is that I would totally pay good money to see you and the family on The Dog Whisperer! Here's the link for submissions: http://www.cesarmillaninc.com/dogwhisperer/submissions.php

Barf barf!! My dog does this too. She will even bring dry poo into the house on the sly to snack on at her leisure. Dear god it pushes me over the edge. I am newly pregnant and smelling my dog's breath after she's been outside makes mommy go to a very unhappy place.

I don't have a dog-- in fact I'm deathly allergic to them-- so no help on that topic. But I can totally sympathize with the muppet thing. Yuck, I dated a guy like that-- what the hell is up with the voices dude?

My dog was crazy about poop as a puppy, but once she got older she lost (most) of her interest. She's now 8 and the worst she does is sniff at bird shit on the sidewalk every now and then--oh, and try to rub her head in it. Maybe Coco will grow out of it eventually? Or maybe you can teach her to gargle Listerine...

My dog did the EXACT same thing when she was a puppy. We tried everything with no luck. Everyone said she would grow out of it and miraculously at 10 or 11 months she stopped. Hopefully that will be the case with Coco too. Good luck until then!

Having a 12 week old puppy at home - I can totally sympathize. I like how as a dog owner, you GET IT when it comes to loving them and realizing they have these crazy quirks that you have to go through to get a great dog.

Can you write a book about your experiences with your dogs, I think it would be useful for anyone who's thinking of getting a dog to realize what they are getting in to.

Our sheltie has done this forever. Fortunately, he only does it outside in the winter when the poop is frozen, which somehow makes it a little better in my mind (more palatable? Groan...) I have no idea why.

But he'll eat cat poop year round. I guess it's always in season.

HAH
Our Boston Terrier has been making his own snacks since 2002... and eating everyone else's for that matter.... we have tried everything.... he won't do it for a while... then he just goes back to it... the best is when he comes and sits next to you and verps in your face and a cloud of newly digested poo wafts from his huge mouth...

he even attempted to teach our other dog Lucy to be a lover or the poo... one day... she just threw up a poo... and i don't know if you watch South Park.. but if you do... it totally reminded me of the Cartman poo out of your mouth episode...

I have no wise words of wisdom for you... only to let you know that i too love my dog... Gus is awesome.... but he would be even more awesome-er... if he would STOP the POO habit...

:)

priceless non-sequitur! next time i run to separate my poop-eating dog from the object of her appetite, all i'll be thinking of is a pornographic elmo... priceless, really. i think this post begs a "worst sex/lays ever" meme.

Much of the time, I am so put off by the gross things my dog does it's a wonder I have a dog. She is so devoted to our family, but is a big eater of the poo and what I find worse; she takes my unclean undies out of the hamper and licks them.

There have been days I've found my panties strewn all over her bed...it's like having my own private stalker. Eeeewww!

By the way, the muppet sex was FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!

I have three things to say:

1. You are a wonderful and hilarious writer.

2. I love that you call us 'Internet' with a capital 'I'.

3. I've been thinking nice thoughts for you to the god I believe in after your post a couple days ago - I hope things are looking up for you!

I am so sick with a URI and am on antibiotics and have been really good about not peeing myself when I'm choking on all the phlegm that I'm trying to eject from my head and chest.

The Heather takes me on a journey about poop-eating dogs and screwing Elmo, and I am a freaken basket case and now I have to change my pants and dry my chair.

But it was so worth it, because I really needed a laugh.

Thanks.
.

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but we have a four year old Australian Shepherd and he still eats poop. We thought he would grow out of it, but it hasn't happened yet. If you find something that works, please post about it so I can try it!

Sadly, some dogs are shit eaters. Not sure I ever thought I would type that sentence. I am happy that I do not have one of those dogs. I am sorry that you love is marred--but understandably so. I don't know if there is some sort of positive reinforcement strategy where you could give her bacon every time she doesn't eat shit...I know how much you love your bacon.

Sex with Elmo...I am laughing hysterically about that.

My puppy ate her own poop and all other poop for nearly two years! I tried sprinkling magic puppy dust on her poop (ingredients: Alfalfa Sprouts) and it was more like puppy-crack - after a few sprinkles she ran for more. Eventually she just got TIRED of poop. Thank GOD.

We live in a neighborhood with an unfortunate number of feral cats who, for some Godforsaken reason, have decided to use our front yard as their litter box -- horrible, horrible creatures that they are. Regardless, the worst part is that this provides our dog, Yoshi, with an ample supply of snackfood -- every time we're not looking, in fact.

In short, DUDE, I feel your pain.

My dog used to do this, so you know what we did?

We picked up the poop. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. We put it in sealed ziplock bags (like leftover deli meat bags) in the trash can in the garage and went to the dump often.

If there was no poop, he couldn't eat it. He eventually lost interest in poop altogether, but he still eats road kill.

I had the impression that Coco wasn't allowed to run loose in the yard anyway and she is always on a leash. Is that not true?

We have the same problem with our shepherd. and had it with the shepherd before her. these are supposed to be smart dogs! And, like you, nothing works. If we sprinkle something offensive on it, she is like "thanks for the topping". So now we follow her in the yard and pick up immediately after. It's more work than the children!

Delias comment about the dog eating the six yearolds shit and toilet paper and piss water about killed me. That is so funny. I wish my dog would eat her own poop, clean up after herself, as it were!

First, talking like a muppet during sex is TOTALLY a deal-breaker. Mr. Elmosexual needs some serious therapy!

Second, my dog ate any and all poop he came across for about the first year of his life, then *poof* he stopped. We had tried everything, even hot sauce and hot peppers. He's a long little dog (a dachshund), and he'd be turning himself in circles trying to eat it as it came out of his own ass.

Nothing worked but time.

I'm sure that provides you with little solace right now, but Coco probably will grow out of this phase. In the meantime, have you tried Yip Yap Breath Mints for dogs? They helped with the poop scent.

Our dogs used to snag the cat poo from the litter box. We called the poops Almond Rochas as they look like the fancy candy in pink rappers once the cat litter is all over the poo. Either way - gross. Our bulldog would appear wondering out of the cat box area with litter all crusted over his nose and face. Guilty!! And so gross, eventually we have told them both NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Damnit! enough times that they have stopped. But on a walk a while back my long haired white dog found a big pile of green horse poo and dived down on it and rubbed her neck all over before I could pull her away. Imagine that ride home in the car and I got to bathe her when we got home! Awesome. and yet,love prevails....Sigh

Just when you thought there would be less poop in your life, eh? Well, I sympathize. That's all I can think to say.

I really, really sympathize with you.

Our Parson Russell terrier, Tucker, is also a poop gourmet. Goose, duck, deer, bunny and his all-time favorite, kitty. As far as the kisses go, I wash his face with Dial soap on a washcloth after walks and then smooch away.. As far as the boyfriend thing goes, I had an ex that used to sing "Love Shack" everytime he was going to orgasm..I can no longer listen to the B-52's..

Remember cute puppy breath when Coco first came into your world? ahhh..they grow up so fast.... I so sympathize with you. My dog is a shit connoisseur. She prefers goose and horse poop to cat poop. She also likes to roll in dead stuff whenever possible.
She's totally disgusting.
I couldn't take it once after one of these poop eating episodes and in desperation put some listerine in her water dish. We also use the rubber finger dog toothbrushes and YIP YAPS dog mints. Thank you commenter above for the water gun trick....that's one I haven't tried.

PS - This post was freaking funny Heather- thank you for the laugh...I SO needed it today. I love your writing..I love that you are embracing yourself as a writer and storyteller - I hope you are sitting back and LETTING YOURSELF ENJOY THE SUCCESS!!!!

First off...HAHAHAHAHA! Sucks being a pet owner sometimes, but I guess the unconditional love and sad eyes blah blah blah make up for it, right?

Second....change all the dog terms to cat in the first paragraph and you have my situation.

Admiral Walter Seamus "Master of the Ocean" thinks it's fun to pee on our bed when he is angry with us. He's a moody little sonofabitch and when he doesn't get his way, he'll let you know...by peeing on your bed.

To his utter annoyance, Rob and I went to a baseball game yesterday after work and didn't come home till 1am, which was precisley the time I found the pee stain, ripped off all the sheets, threw them in the laundry (with copious amounts of Miracle Odor Eliminator) and then tried to go to sleep.

This morning as I was waking up, here's the Admiral, being as sweet as sweet can be, purring and meowing and massaging my back....so I gave him tons of kisses adoringly saying "whosmybigboy whosmamasbigboy..."

Yeah, it's a cycle that never ends...love em hate em...

i think she may be low on iron or perhaps just poo... dont really know.

I will never ever read your blog while eating lunch again. Gross and hilarious.

oohh... if you get a cat, dogs LOVE cat poop. out of the litter box. its like a rice krispy treat for them. i kinda do hate it when they help w/ the litterbox cleaning though. i am so helpful.

Shit eating dogs and creepy sex talk boyfriends all in one post. Dooce.. youve made Madness a very happy girl.

I am sure that you have heard a million different solutions for this problem, but 100 years ago when I worked for a vet clinic, one of the vet techs there swore that Unflavored Meat Tenderizer did the trick every time. I think it's hard to find, but it is white granules that look like salt, and you just sprinkle some on everyone's food.

I had a dog once that would eat poop... as long as it didn't hit the ground first. Yeah, nasty.

I feel your pain!! :)

My dog ate poo for a very short time when he was a puppy and then he just stopped. When he bent over to start eating, I would give him a little tug and say "icky" Now whenever he's sniffing something incessantly, I "icky" and he'll start on his way.

Funny story:

I had to go on a business trip for three weeks during winter so I left the dog with my parents. When I returned my mom told me the following:

She had let the dog out in the fenced yard to do his business. After she called him in, she heard a crunching noise coming from the kitchen. The dog had brought in and was eating a frozen turd in the middle of the kitchen floor! Needless to say, my mother was a little more than slightly horrified.

Okay.
1. This was a very funny post.
2. None of my dogs (all 2 of them) ever ate poop. Sorry. No help here.
3. I love your daily pics - just had to tell you. All the shots - the style, the pics, the dogs. I look forward to them (and the comments you write about them) every day!

My Pyrenees does this too, and it turns my stomach. She'll eat her poop, our other dog's poop, rabbit poo, goose poo, etc. The list is endless.

The vet gave us some pills to try, and they did jack shit (OMG - horrible pun not intended).

The only thing that works? Me getting off my lazy butt and scooping poop every, single day. Sigh.

Coprophagia (sometimes called coprophagy, or poop-eating) is the "official" term used for this nasty habit. I feel for you and hope you are able to find something to help curb CoCo's pallet for this disgusting delight. I did a little research on the web and came across the two articles below that were informative. It seems like top recommendation is to keep the dog's area free of feces. No poo - no temptation. After the dog has been prevented from eating feces for a considerable length of time, the habit tends to fade. I'd consult your vet before adding any "people food" or additives to alter the smell/taste of the poo. I hope these articles help! Good luck!

http://www.k911.biz/Petsafety/DogEatsPoop.htm

http://shop.robbinspetcare.com/resources/coprophagia.html

Your ex-boyfriend sex story made me laugh and reminded me of a guy a friend of mine used to date. He was a pre-med student, so everything about the body was very clinical. I'll never forget about the time she told me that she woke up in the middle of the night to him whispering breathily in her ear "Iris, touch my penis." Yeah, nothing says baby let me rock your world like using the word "penis" as foreplay. *Shudder*

My sister used to try and eat dog poop. She would sit in the backyard, and scoop it up, but my mom would bust her. Everytime I think. I hope. So nasty.
Does your dog have worms? Our dog did once, and that was what made her eat her own shit too.

I'm sorry...I have two Shih Tzu's and they eat each other's poop. I'm so digusted by it and frustrated at the same time. I thought there was something wrong with them only to be told by my vet that believe it or not some dogs actually develop a taste for it? Is she serious???? I have wondered though if maybe I were to drop a steaming pile would they be so repulsed that they stopped eating it altogether?? Who knows....

While I don't think #9 is a know-it-all asshole, I don't care what they say about the enzymes getting rid of the poop ON THE TONGUE THAT THEN TOUCHES YOUR FACE.

Although I did like the part about building a tolerance to allergies due to being exposed to poop-mouth. That was interesting.

But why do you actually have this dog? He craps everywhere, he eats poop, he probably sheds like a mofo, he wakes everyone up in the middle of the night. So far the description matches that of an infant and toddler, but dude at least children at some point learn to wipe their own butt, move away and if you have not damaged them too badly, not only earn their own living, but provide you with some emotional/physical/financial assistance when you are drooling and pantless and senile.