No, I wasn't punched in the face, this is just what happens when I weep
The past three days have been a whirlwind of chaos, and this is honestly the first moment I've had since Monday to sit down and catch my breath. I had planned to sit down and write about this funny thing that happened at the grocery store the other night, but right now I'm just too sad to do it. And I'm sitting here trying not to cry because this afternoon I'm doing a taping with the local PBS station for a show that's running tonight (see here), and when I cry my eyes swell and bloat to the size of a watermelon.
A couple of weeks ago my dear stepfather, the one who almost had me sentenced to death by firing squad for eating his last slice of bologna, was diagnosed with a lymphoma when they found a tumor the size of a football in his back. He started chemotherapy last week and has since been in and out of the emergency room for complications at least twice. I'm not quite sure how to explain my relationship with my stepfather, only that he is as important to me as my own father and has played such a significant role in Leta's life. He is her Grandpa Rob, and she will carry with her the most amazing memories of sitting at his coffee table to put together puzzles. He has been the most indefatigable support for my mother throughout her busy career in Avon and has sacrificed many of his own ambitions so that she could be the success that she is. He is honest, stubborn, sometimes a total pain in the ass, but mostly he is the type of person who would throw his body in front of a bus if it meant helping you out in the tiniest possible way. He means everything to our family, and now we are all facing the unknown.
Suddenly I'm facing some very confusing feelings. I'm not going to get too much into that here, only to say that where once I had the Mormon religion to inform me, I'm here now without that safety net trying to piece some things together. Which I guess is a way of saying that I'm still trying to figure out what I believe. And I know that admitting that is going to open me up to all sorts of judgment, but I don't think this makes me much different from a lot of people out there who are also trying to figure it all out. I don't think I'm alone in saying, yeah, I don't know, and I'm mostly okay with that. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not okay with that.
I do know that I love my stepfather deeply and want nothing more than for him to get better.
This week would also have been the 40th week of the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage last October. Is it morbid that I remember the due date, will always remember the due date? Or that I am so incomprehensibly sad about it still? My life has changed so much since that horrible Wednesday afternoon, and Jon and I have had endless debates and conversations about our future and whether or not we should try for another baby knowing that I might have to go through that again. And if you want to know, we are still undecided. Every time I see someone who is pregnant I get a very weird feeling in my stomach, and I think it's from a wild mixture of feelings, one of loss, one of hope, one of knowing that they are having a tremendously difficult time trying to roll over in bed at night and how exhausted they are in the morning, one of envy that they soon will meet that new little person in their life. I don't think I'll ever be able to see someone who is pregnant and not immediately feel my stomach turn a flip.
Right now I am just barely holding my shit together, and I know that I'll be better to handle these feelings if I could just sleep through the night. I've had insomnia for three straight weeks, and my body is slowly collapsing. This may be one of those many instances when I head back to my therapist and say listen, I'm having a hard time, please help me climb this mountain.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
301. Laura said:
Heather, I am so sad to hear about your step father's diagnosis. My precious dad lost his life to liver cancer on August 6, 2008 and I am still struggling with my religious beliefs. Because I feel that if there was a way for him to reach out to me he would; and yet I have seen no such sign. My husband continues to tell me that it is because of him that I have not crumbled under the intense heart ache I have from missing him. My dad was not a best friend friend to me; he literally was a soul mate. He was born to be my dad and I to be his daughter and we had an enviable relationship.
You need to take care of you; so please, if that means seeing someone than do it. Do it for yourself and do it for your family. I understand 100% what you are dealing with and I am sorry for your turmoil.
Also, it is not bizarre for you to remember your due date from a miscarriage. I miscarried in the 5th month of my pregnancy...her name would have been Madeline Paige and I was due on February 8, 2002. Heather you are so very normal that it is abnormal :-)
Laura
302. geri said:
Oh Heather, I am so sorry to hear about your stepdad. He sounds like a wonderful man.
And it's not at all morbid to remember the due date of your miscarried pregnancy, or to still be sad about it. It's completely normal. I had a miscarriage (I think a much earlier one than you) and the due date hit me like a ton of bricks. Deciding to try again after living through that was so hard. I had to literally climb to the top of a mountain (a mountain in Minnesota is more like a big hill, though...) to come to the conclusion that I was ready again.
Please take good care and go easy on yourself.
303. Missybelle said:
Wow, I feel so compelled to respond to this, and I don't usually, but I feel for you and relate on this day especially for many personal reasons. Do what makes you feel at peace, it's your decision. You are the only one who has to live with it. And you are fortunate in your memories, and in that lovely daughter of yours.
304. Kathryn said:
Okay- total internet advice, so take it for what you will, but I do hope you are reading this far down into your comments.
When I read your original post on the miscarriage, I winced because your situation pretty much went down the same as my own- complete with all of the horrible emotional afterquakes. And from what I read here today, it sounds like you too have had a hard time shaking this.
About six months after my miscarriage, I developed horrible insomnia, physical aches and pains, and most weirdly, the inability to drive a car a like a normal person. I just felt shellshocked. I didnt link any of this to the miscarriage, because hey- that was months ago, and although I was still melancholy, I wasn't sobbing into my pillow every night.
Point of reference: this miscarriage also occurred 6 months after my mom's death from colon cancer.
Long story short: I "got me to a therapist", and received some EMDR treatment to work on intensively reprocessing the miscarriage experience (which as we know IS a pretty traumatic EVENT). EMDR is a bit weird (you may want to read up on it), but I will say- it worked for me. My therapist said that many women who have a miscarriage suffer from mild PTSD, for which EMDR treatment is well-indicated. I am from a family background where psychotherapy is scoffed at, so embarking on this strange treatment was very scary for me. But Im glad I did. The EMDR allowed me to experience the event for what is was and move pass it. I also found it really helped me sort out the pain of the miscarriage from other emotional issues, including the devestation cancer has wreaked on my family.
Wishing you wellness (and sleep) Heather!
305. Celeste said:
Get thee to your trusted therapist.
Sometimes, its like drinking water - by the time we are thirsty we are already dehydrated. Get some help before it gets worse, especially with such a full plate in front of you.
As for the religion - even those of us who have a Church from which we take some comfort feel a sense of isolation at times. At the end of the day, its just each person alone in their head. Best make sure that person is someone you like...
All the best - you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
306. Athena said:
I second Jill S.'s comment above about the tylenol and vodka. Just not together...that sounds like an accidental overdose waiting to happen! I am pretty much terrible at consoling people, but I felt the need to comment here and let you know two things:
1. I don't judge you for not knowing what you believe in.
2. I'm sorry to hear about your stepfather. I hope his condition(s) improve, and I am wishing the best for your family.
307. Charity said:
Heather, you are strong, you will come through this a better person. You may also discover what you believe it. I don't care what religion you are we all have to come to terms with these tragedies sometime in our life and it forces us to face it head on an decide what we do believe in, if anything.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And tell your therapist HI for me, there is nothing like a good therapist.
http://rockincharity.blogspot.com
308. Carrie said:
I was reading your post this morning and let me tell you there is a wonderful society out there that can give you support as well as offer help to your stepfather. You should find out were the nearest chapter is of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and see what they can offer you.
I am currently in the process of Training for the Nike women's Marathon with the help of the Team in Training which in return for professional training we agree to raise funds for the Society. The people of this Society are awesome and I am amazed everyday by the wonderful things that they do.
You should really give them a look see.
Hope things start to look up for you.
309. Christy said:
There is no shame in admitting you don't know what happens (in terms of religion)--many people believe they know, and if that gives them some sense of comfort or control, then all the power to them, but many of us out here are all in the same boat--just trying to figure it out.
I also don't think it's weird that you still think of your would be due date. I had a miscarriage almost 4 years ago (at 3 months along) and every year at the end of January I've said, "I would've had a 1 year old...2 year old...3 year old. It's not morbid, you're a mother and I think you always will carry that with you in some way (just hopefully not so painfully.)
I feel for you in what you are going through...why does it seem like bad things have to happen in the midst of times we could and should be celebrating? I guess all we can do is try to rise to the challenge.
All of my positive energy and thoughts are sent your way along with the hundreds (thousands maybe) other well wishers. You bring a lot of laughter and joy to our days with what you write, hopefully we can bring a little back to yours.
310. Tessa said:
hi heather,
i have read your blog for a few years and have never commented, though i have formulated many in my head. at first i didn't because i was too cyber-shy, then felt awkward because i had read for so long and had never commented (so why now) and then there reached a point (like now) when within minutes of updating, you would already received hundreds of comments, so why create even more for you to read. well, just to say thank you, again and again. i, myself, am also in a state of unraveling ...and it while it doesn't necessarily help to know that untold numbers of other people also feel pain and despair, it is necessary for me to read, to connect, to write and to slowly remember that the darkness always clears (for me at least, thankfully), that though this is real it is not what has to define me. so thank you.
311. Kim said:
Heather, so sorry to hear all of this. I think it's okay to not have all the answers. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes, and not being well rested certainly doesn't help in dealing with it all. Take good care of yourself and your family, and if going back to therapy helps, give yourself that outlet. You're in my thoughts.
312. Tana said:
No, it's not weird or anything but completely normal that you remember the due date of the child you carried. It's normal that you are experiencing a renewed sense of loss. It's normal because you are human and compassionate and kind.
I'm very sorry about your step-father. That is tough. I don't know what else to say about that.
Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. I too struggle with what I believe. It's constantly on my mind or in the back of my mind. I too have released some old beliefs that I grew up with, so I can say I understand.
313. rachel said:
heather, sending my best wishes...
314. Sarah said:
Keeping your family in my thoughts -- I am sorry to hear about your stepfather's cancer. Good luck with everything, your inner strength is evident in your writing.
315. ML said:
My due date from eight years ago is in July. I never forget.
And I think often my inability to sleep is my body's way of telling me the inner load is getting too big and I need to get some of it off my chest...look at all you have gone through in three weeks! And we only know the tip of the ice-berg! I wish loads of peace, and if not certainty at least affection, for you, from places that will bring you deep reassurance and love.
You are such a bright light.
316. Margie said:
for the endless times you have made me laugh out loud,
I now share your tears with you . . my thoughts are with you and your family.
317. Gwen Murray said:
I am so sorry to hear this news. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Piss on anyone who uses this opportunity to knock you around some more.
318. workman said:
I'm sorry to hear this sad news and hope you can find whatever will bring you peace and comfort right now, be it therapy, religion, or something else.
Know that your friends are thinking of you and praying for you.
319. Janet said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your step father. I lost my mother-in-law five years ago and faced the same struggles you are dealing with. I'm sad to say she lost her battle, but she is still in our lives every day. Including the pain in the ass part, certain ways how my husband acts, how generous and giving she was, and what an awesome grandmother she would have been to the grandchild she will never meet. We cry openly about that, but it's ok. It's honestly how we feel and my son will see how much we loved and miss her.
As for not wanting to cry & get through today, I understand. Let us all help & cry for you. I know I already am.
320. c said:
My due date was June 18, 2003 for a little girl. My cousin's daughter was born June 24, 2003. I can't look at her without remembering that little girl would be exactly the same age as her. Five years & two successful pregnancies later....I will never forget that date, or the date that I found out I miscarried. It was a missed miscarriage, so I didn't know until I went in for an ultrasound and the heart wasn't beating.
I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that everything works out for you. I am a devout Catholic, but still find myself questioning things when these bad things happen.
321. Cole said:
I just wanted to say I am so sorry, and I will keep your family in my thoughts.
322. rhonda said:
I'm so sorry your stepfather has to battle Cancer.
My thoughts and prayers are with your family.
Be kind to yourself and give your therapist a call.
Chaos is hard.
323. kate said:
Heather,
I know how it feels. I lost my stepfather to Pancreatic Cancer four years ago. He was the light of my life and the hero of my family. He came into my life when I was a surly teenager and he was patient and helped guide me into becoming an adult and helped me heal my relationship with my father.
I loved him very much and I know how you feel.
Now that I am a step-mom, I have a greater appreciation for him than I ever did. Step-parents don't get a lot of recognition or thanks they deserve.So many of us are so lucky to have them in our lives to help guide us and care for us.
I am keeping you in my thoughts.
324. Daisy said:
I'm sorry to hear about your week. I will say a little prayer for you and hope that is enough right now. Just think of each and everyone of these good emails as a hug. :)
325. Anonymous said:
I don't know what to say, but just wanted to give you another e-hug...
326. heide said:
Heather...
Today is a trauma anniversary for me too. Not for a missed birth, but the night my ex decided to try and leave our two children without their dad. Thankfully he didn't succeed, but I can't help but think back to last year when I got the 2am call from his roommate. The 2 weeks following that night are a complete blur to me now, and I honestly have no idea how I made it through last summer at all. I do know that I had friends that called me at the most perfect times, and that people I didn't even know were praying for us.
Just like you have now.
I pray for strength for your stepdad and your mom. I pray that his doctors are making the best decisions for him. And I pray for you. That you feel a hug as big and wide as your website's reach.
327. Debbie said:
I think it's great you know when you need help. Also you will keep it together you have shown the world what a strong person you are by let us into your life. Sorry about your stepfather.
328. jenn said:
I'm so, so sorry to hear about your stepfather. You'll be in my thoughts through this tough time. Good luck.
329. Jen said:
Keeping you in my thoughts. Sending you peace.
330. Megan said:
I'm finally delurking in the hopes of helping just a wee bit. In the past 18 months I have had 2 miscarriages. And while neither were easy, the 2nd was horrendously awful. Not only did it happen at 14 weeks after we'd shared our news with family & friends (so therefore had to have many sad conversations repeatedly), but it lingered for another 6 weeks before the medical system decided to "help". It was a terrible experience that I would never wish on anyone. It left my partner & I seriously considering whether to try again and we had many, many discussions about it. After many months, we decided to give it one last shot. I grew up in a big family (12 kids & step-kids in total) and the thought of my son growing up an only child just didn't sit well with me. I now sit here at 15.5 weeks pregnant, hoping beyond belief that things continue to go OK. I tell you this not just to make you feel like you aren't alone in your sadness, but to let you know that things CAN work out. Despite all of the rotten statistics about how common miscarriage really is, I KNOW that is still feels like you are alone and nobody else hurts like you. I will never forget the due dates of my 2 unborn children. And as those dates come & go, I feel a sadness too.
That's my story. I hope it gives you some comfort in knowing you'll be OK.
I'm very sorry to hear of your stepfather. My own stepfather sounds a lot like yours and I can only imagine the pain in contemplating the loss of him in my family's life. I'm not religious, so I won't say I'll pray for you, but I will think of you and hope for the best.
Megan
331. Curtis said:
Hey Dooce,
It's getting kinda creepy in here with everyone showing the love. I hope things go well for everyone.
A hot bath and two valium should do the trick.
Sleep well.
332. Shirley said:
God bless you, Heather. You are such an amazing woman and stronger than you know. I second the suggestion that you choose the appropriate libation to "help the swelling".
333. April said:
Get your hiney to your therapist---stat! Misery shared is less misery you have to carry around. That's what they're there for. Take care of yourself.
334. Melissa said:
If I am feeling down I sometimes come and read your old posts for a giggle. Instead of a giggle today I would just like to send out a hug and good thoughts to you and your family. I do not have an organized religon but I do believe there is something more out there and that we will not be given anything we cannot handle (even if we have to handle it with prescription pills). Sometimes we just have to gather those we love around us and enjoy every minute with them, even if those minutes are hard. I am so sorry.
335. wry said:
I'll go ahead and have some very hopeful thoughts for your stepfather, as I've had two close relatives live in complete remission from lymphoma. Here's to hope.
I'm so sorry for your miscarriage and the painful reminders of your loss.
If I were giving advice (moi?), I would say focus on getting some sleep first and foremost. Without it, everything will be so much worse to deal with. Get some Xanax or something that will help you just. sleep.
I don't know what I believe either, beyond the fact that life is complicated, sad, scary, and amazing. Keep breathing.
336. Another Heather said:
Heather,
This beautiful community you've created multiplies the joy in the world; I can only hope it divides the sorrow too.
Sending strength & peace for you and healing thoughts for your step-dad.
Much love, sister!
337. Hanasu said:
I wish you and your stepfather all the good luck there is. I myself am not a believer and I only find hope in these kind of moments through my family. I think you have a good one there, so hold on to them!
Lots of good vibes from Spain,
J.
338. Eliza said:
I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family and hoping for the best.
339. penny said:
I hope that you don't give up on having children. my husband and I also went threw a miscarriage and now we have 2 little boys. so i just encourage you to try again. i'm really sorry to hear about your stepfather. i pray that he continues to recover. take good care of yourself
340. Random Diva said:
What a gutpunch Heather. So sorry to hear this news. Please seek help if you need to get through, thats the sane-est thing anyone can do in times like this. We will all be hoping the best for you & your family and will be here for you on the other side of this misery. Wishing you sleep, and love & light. XO
341. Michelle said:
I'm sorry for all this pain you're facing. Thanks for being open enough to share it with us.
I really admire your honesty about where you're at with your beliefs. It is easier to pretend to ourselves and everyone else that those questions aren't there and most of us do. It is the brave people who admit it and go looking for answers. So keep looking. I pray you will find Peace and Truth.
342. Becs said:
God it's nice to know that I am not the only person that completely falls apart after lack of sleep.
I hope that everything works out for you. I too struggle daily with religion and trying to figure out what I believe in. I wish I had some advice for you. If you get anything figured out, let me know!
343. Ms. Pants said:
Definitely see the Talky Doc. If anything, it's an area where you can say anything you feel about the issues at hand and not have anyone judge you or send scathing emails with poor grammar. (Also, eat chocolate.)
I'm thinking of you.
xxx
344. poppygal said:
For what it's worth, Heather, you are in my prayers. I hope your stepfather gets well quickly.
And, regarding your miscarriage, no, it is not morbid that you remember your due date. If this is considered strange, then there are a whole slew of us out there that are right there with you. I still grieve my loss and it has been 3 years. Even though I have 2 healthy children, I will never forget and will always wonder what could have been...
Wishing you and your family peace.
345. alex said:
I was raised by heathens and agnogstics, which is to say that I was NEVER told that "god" has a plan. Yet I still somehow managed to grow up believing that every experience has value, and mostly I take comfort in that during times of loss. Although I have to admit to a certain amount of envy for those people who get to RAGE at god; sometimes I think that would be very satisfying.
I don't know if the positive thoughts of a heathnogstic are of any use, but I'll keep them for you anyway.
346. Becca said:
I am so glad that so many people are able to show you that they support you and in their own way understand what you are going through. Yea for the internet and the ability to show your support to a total stranger.
Good luck to you, as you are well aware this to shall pass and things will work themselves out.
347. Inventing Matilda said:
I admire you for being willing to talk about your feelings so openly. Pregnancy is one of the great ironies in life. It seems that those who have the desire to be parents must sometimes wade through many, many baby showers and tactless comments questioning their womanhood before they get a chance to have babies and all the while there are women who can plan their pregnancies down to their due date. I wish you the best on your subsequent pregnancies. I'm not going to give you "advice" about trying again because I don't know what to say...and I certainly don't want to write something that will go on your list of Really Terrible Things People Have Said to Me When Trying to Be Encouraging.
-Inventing Matilda
348. nitebyrd said:
Cliches really don't work so I'll send Westward some positive energy and good thoughts for you and your family.
Blessed Be.
349. Shmay said:
Chin-up.
Pick up the Bible. Ask God to give you strength. He is always there wanting and willing to help you.
I'm an ex-mormon, sorta was a methodist, still trying to figure if out person.
Taylee
http://shmaytalk.blogspot.com/
350. Starr said:
Heather, I feel like your heartache is mirroring my own--I just my lost college roommate, who was my best friend since high school, to cancer after 6 years of fighting it.
I'll definitely be keeping you and your whole family in my prayers. I'm a Christian, but I know what you mean about the searching--and what some others have said in the comments about always searching, regardless of your religion. Life is hard-as-crap sometimes, and it doesn't help when you just plain don't know the truth about how things will work out in the end. But I'll be praying for your peace, as well, in the bigger picture.
And yeah, go see that therapist--that's what they're there for, m'dear. I and my mother have been through similar struggles with depression, and I've always found your starkly honest (and often funny) posts to be a help--and to remind me that yes, we really do need to ask for help sometimes. And take those pills. Regardless of how much we often don't want to.
Sending love and hope.
351. The Mom said:
That's a heavy post. I hope the fact that you put in print helps if only a little.
For what it's worth, thank YOU for the opportunity to comment today, and know that your readers are sending you strength and love during this difficult time!
352. H said:
Through your posts here we Dooce readers share in the daily jubilations, tribulations, and catastrophes of the Armstrong family. You reach out with honesty and openness, and we all try to reach back, as much as we can. I'm so sorry to hear life is a-jumble right now. Hold tight to your wonderful tenacity and your heart full of boundless love, and remember you are in the thoughts and prayers of many who would like to give back a little of the comfort you have shared.
353. Paula said:
Dear Heather,
It is not at all unusual to remember the baby that will never be. I miscarried in Dec 2004, and and every July I remember how old that child would be if he/she had been born. It's no longer a painful remembrance, just a acknowledgement of something special and significant in my life. So don't think poorly of yourself. Thanks for opening the comments.
((((((HUGS))))))) XOXOXOXOXO
354. furpants said:
I'm sending you and your family some hope and healing.
I don't 'know' either- I was raised catholic but I can't limit what I think of as God into the reasoning of man. There is a creative force and it is good and that is what I call God. God gives strength when I need it, and God makes things happen for reasons that I don't understand. God knows what I do not. God does not need me to adhere to a rule book in order to send me peace, love and understanding. God is in you too.
355. Frayda said:
There are few things that can be said to bring a person true comfort in times like this. I am not a person who is good at finding those words. So I guess I will go with the standard...your family is in my prayers. I don't doubt that you will find the strength to get through this. You have the support system. Plus, you have us, the internet. We got your back, woman. Now, go hug your hot husband and/or make your daughter laugh...and live in that moment.
356. Amy said:
My thoughts and prayers are with your family.
I was looking at some of the comments, and isn't it wonderful that we live in a world where you can put yourself out there and receive support from around the world. I know you receive a lot of criticism, but know that you have droves of fans cheering you on!
357. The Omniscient Mussel said:
I've been reading your site for almost three years during which time I've seen that you have a fantastic husband and a great extended family from which to draw support. Also, you know when you need to ask for help and aren't afraid to do so. That sort of self-awareness and willingness to admit that you can't do it all is rare.
Because of this, I am confident that you'll get through this. It won't be nice or fun and you probably will spend many other nights wishing you could sleep but in the end, you'll get through it.
I hesitate to say this on account of coming across as flip however since that hasn't really stopped me in the past, I'll forge on. Keep your chin up. The intertubes are rooting for ya.
358. Betsy said:
You and your stepfather are in my thoughts and prayers and yes I don't know either but I still pray. My grandma lived with lymphoma for 22 years it can be beat. And don't feel alone in the stomach flip area there are several of us out there going through the same thing. I question sometimes if it's just pure envy or actual anger.
359. Jodi said:
So sorry Heather. Hang in there. Praying for some supernatural help and peace for you right now...
360. DawnC said:
INTERNET is here for you. You will find the strength you need to get through this - but there is nothing wrong with asking for help.
Thank you for opening your heart and mind to us all - you have made the world a much better place to live in.
361. What Happens Next said:
I join with those who have applauded your courage in sharing your struggles.
These truly are the times that strengthen us as humans and as families. I am so sorry for your loss, and for what your stepfather is facing.
I will pray for you and yours as you navigate this rough terrain. We can all relate to your pain on so many levels. I believe that we learn the most in the days that bring us to our knees.
You are doing fine.
362. Kim said:
Heather, I'm so sorry. My grandma died last month. This book helped me a lot - On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. In my case, it mostly reinforced what I already believed, but I think it might help you sort through your thoughts. Sometimes it's easier to figure out what you don't believe than it is to figure out what you do believe.
Wishing you peace.
363. Sheila said:
Heather, I will pray for you to find a sense of peace in all these hard and sad things. The unknown can be terrifying, we all want to know what's real, what's true, what's next. I think that's why Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Take care and keep seeking truth and peace, it is there to be found.
364. Isaac said:
Heather, that's awful. You and your stepfather will be in my thoughts and prayers. When I read that you were dealing with the uncertainties of life without having a safety net, it suddenly reminded me that last night I had a dream I met you, John, and Leta.(I watched the Today show interview and your pronunciation video last night before going to sleep)
In the dream, we ended up discussing religion a bit. I wanted to talk to you about my beliefs but I was nervous you'd zone out and stamp a big "Christian" on my forehead. Anyway, I just want you to know that my subconscious cares about you too! If there is any part of you that believes in prayer still, I hope you take comfort in it. And its okay not to know.
365. Heather said:
My heart goes out to you right now. My mom passed away 11 years ago next month from breast cancer, and I still struggle with my faith (spirituality?) daily. I recently because involved in church again (Lutheran), and although some days it does help calm me, some days I still have no idea what I believe. I also know there is not much anyone can say or do to make you feel better...just know you have so much support in your life, which is a wonderful thing.
I do not think it is bad in ANY way to still be mourning the miscarriage you had, and feel that if you need to remember the due date (and maybe even do something special?), that is your right as a mother.
I hope that you can get some sleep soon, and I am sending hugs your way. Also hoping and praying for the best for your stepfather.
Heather
366. Sara said:
I wish there was something I could say to make everything better. Just know that there are millions of prayers and thoughts coming your way from all of us. I hope a little breathing room and peace and quiet comes your way soon. You deserve it.
367. belletoes said:
Love you Sweet Girl. Please hang in there, many of us are thinking of you and yours.
Belle
368. Eve Grey said:
I've been reading you for a few months now & I liked this post the best. Sorry about your step-father. It is terrifying when someone you love faces death. Terrifying. Also, try again. Then there will be no regrets. Open yourself up to the pain & potential joy. You've done it twice, you can do it again.
369. Kristan said:
My advice: Gather Jon, Leta, Chuck and Coco up onto your bed and stay there for at least a week.
*good vibes*
You'll get through this. Chin up. We're all thinking of you, and visualizing you climbing up that mountain. In fact, we're all climbing with you.
370. Charlotte said:
Hang in there! Definitely go back to your therapist - BEFORE things get overwhelming or out of control. There's no shame in being sad and needing help. And there's definitely no shame in not knowing what you believe. So many people blindly believe something just because their families tell them to. They never question things or do any thinking for themselves. It's good to want to believe in something because you honestly believe in it. I'm guessing that you're wondering about the possibility of an afterlife or what happens when we die. I hope that you are able to come to a conclusion that will bring you some comfort. Take care of yourself and go to the therapist. You're worth it.
371. Anonymous said:
Please do get some help, and maybe something to help you sleep. Healing thoughts to you and your stepfather.
372. Amy said:
Can I just tell you how much I appreciate you writing so honestly about your life? I've been through 2 failed pregnancies (1 miscarriage and 1 ectopic) and the tears streamed down my face reading about you mourning your miscarriage. It's so hard - but thank you so much for writing about it, and letting others like me read, relate and share.
I, too, am unsure about most things religious and spiritual. For some reason I still pray all the time. I admit that I don't know who/what I'm praying to - but I know it makes me feel better every time.
You are awesome, Heather. As a relatively new reader (saw your blog mentioned in the Wall Street Journal a few weeks ago) - thanks for your blog!
373. Katrina said:
Hi. I'm sorry your hurting. I know your pains all too well. I hope you find peace. But try to remember you don't have to figure anything out. The universe will unfold that to you. You can still pray and find peace and comfort in that. And yes, you will always remember that due date. It's been 8 years for me and I remember ever April 21. It won't hurt as much as time does tend to heal the rawness.
Take care of yourself sweet girl. Your readers are thinking of you.
374. Joni said:
Heather,
Even though it's really hard right now, you have to take care of you - whatever that means. Feel your emotions and let them teach you what you need to know but don't hesitate to ask for help, if you need that too.
I do not know either how to define what I think about religion or the afterlife or if there IS an afterlife and what all of that means. But I do know that your readers love you and we are hoping and praying (to whatever we believe in) for you and your stepfather. I hope you can feel that and take some strength from it.
Joni
375. Kellie said:
Heather - You can believe without doing so in the name of an organized religion. Believe (pray) that he is going to be OK, and if the realization of the situation is that he is not, then hope (pray) for strength and comfort - for all of you. And go to your therapist - they are there for the good and the hard. Maybe even go a couple of times with Jon. Work through this together - you are such an awesome couple and so strong, even if you don't feel like it right now. Get some air and some exercise, listen to some good music, play with Leta and the dogs. Keep on living and breathing and clear your head. The answers will come to you, if you don't already know them right now. I'll be thinking about you this weekend. You are going to be alright.
376. Doug said:
Please take care and remember to breath. Stretch your shoulders back and take a deep breath and look at your beautiful family and everything will be alright I swear. Maybe even pop in some Bob Marley and...well nevermind you know.
377. Alicia said:
There will always be that lost feeling, but you must remember to also see the positive and know that something was learned from it. You have done an amazing job with Leta and shouldnt let her be the only one who was raised by amazing parents, share the knowledge.
Thoughts for your step dad and your family.
378. renee said:
yeah, it definitely sounds like time for a trip to your therapist. like, today. or tomorrow. not because you can't handle this, but why make it harder? it will be hard enough no matter these issues are "resolved;" let yourself get help as soon as possible. don't wait till you really can't handle it anymore.
that said, and i may be totally overstepping some lines here (but, um, i figure you can hang with that better than most), i had another reaction to this entry. and let me preface by saying that i had a horrible, horrible, sick for 5 months pregnancy and am not sure that i could manage two little ones as obessesive as i am about one, and i have my own fertility issues to add to the whole question of another baby or not, so i am not speaking without empathy. but maybe, if you look at the two topics in this post -- maybe with the amazing presence that your stepdad has been for you (and you all for him) despite not being a blood relation, maybe there is a baby for the dooce family that doesn't have to come from your body? i'm certain you have considered this or at least thought of it...but i did feel particularly strongly about feeling it from this post.
379. tbtine said:
First, I pray to The Christ that this comes out in a supportive manner because I know I am part of the cast of (hopefully) thousands who support you.
Second, and it might sound weird right now, but the thing I most wanted to hear from people while my mom battled lymphoma for 11 years was -not- "I know exactly how you feel", because the truth is, no one else can know exactly how you feel (except maybe close family members). What I most wanted from people was basically something this simple: "Lymphoma? This FUCKING sucks!" Followed closely by about five strong vodka tonics with a bloody mary chaser.
Yes, I recognize that I'm weird for not finding comfort in the "I know exactly how you feel" support, especially since I have found group therapy to be helpful, but the truth is that I can't possibly imagine what you're going through, even though I have similar experiences in my life which allow me to empathize.
So I'll just say this: Lymphoma fucking SUCKS.
380. Anonymous said:
I am a new reader but, thank you for your honesty. Dealing with all of that is tough. While I am a practicing Mormon, I will second that ALL of us are trying to figure out what we personally believe. My therapist used to tell me that sometimes we just need a tune up, sounds like you might be do for one! You sure do have a lot on your plate.
Things will work out and from what I have read and seen on interviews you have one amazing support system.
381. Anonymous said:
My thoughts are with you. I've never commented on your blog before, but I wanted to say that I do not know how you feel at all. But, I'm an atheist who lost my father last year, and I too felt confused and didn't know at all what to do without a religion or a god to pray to...and I can also say I prayed for my dad, just in case. Do what makes you feel better, whatever religion that is...I have been to Catholic church a number of times since dad's death, and my family hasn't been Catholic in generations. It made me feel better, so I did it. Good luck.
382. The Domestic Goddess said:
Gosh, I'm so very sorry. You are dealing with a ton of sh*t right now. I don't think it is morbid to think about that baby's due date at all. I do it myself (not yours but mine).
I really hope that he recovers quickly. there is nothing worse than losing a person you love so deeply. But I will tell you that even though I lost someone that close to me from lymphoma barely a day goes by when I don't think of her and smile, that's how much of an amazing presence she was in my life.
383. tbtine said:
PS. Recovering Catholic. I actually SOB when I go into churches, so me and my boy JC have our conversations in private. In fact, I don't really start out with a "Hey, God? I need to talk" salutation. I just consider any thoughts I have to be my spiritual conduit with The Collective.
My mother told me I'd regret being "unmoored" from The Church. I don't think I ever felt so lonely and yet so connected to God/spirituality as I did when she was sick.
Still recovering. One day at a time, right?
384. broad said:
Wishing you and your family strength and peace.
385. jerusalem said:
No one has their shit together. That is only an urban legend. Hang in there, going back to therapy might be a good idea (speaking as someone who has lots of "pick-up session" experiance.) Sometimes we just need a soft place to land.
386. Rosie_Kate said:
Yeah, the due date is almost as hard as the day you find out you're not going to be having that baby.
And cancer bites. I lost my dear grandfather (way too soon) in similar fashion.
So sorry for you. I hope you can grieve. And heal.
387. Heather said:
Heather,
My baby would have been due the last week in April. And my second baby would have been due in August. April pretty much sucked. But I got through it with the help of those around me. You will too. Take care of yourself.
Heather
388. Rita Arens said:
None of us know what to believe. If we follow a particular religion, it's the framework we give to our questions. Even Mother Theresa didn't know what to believe, but she was still able to go forth and do amazing things.
I think it's incredibly brave for you to put this post out there, and I'll pray for your stepfather. Sometimes we need other people to step in and pray for us when we are too sad to do it ourselves. I've been there before. Who knows who God is? But I do think someone is listening.
389. DimKnit said:
So sorry. How devastating for your family.
I don't know specifically what I believe, either. I believe we're all human, we're all connected, and we need to be kind to each other.
If I every pray or meditate or whatever, I think of a line of my favorite E.E. Cummings poem:
"i think you god for most this amazing day"
It always makes me think of appreciating what's in front of me. Not to get caught up in the what ifs and the should haves.
I hope you find peace. And sleep.
390. claire said:
I'm so sorry. I'm a new reader and I look forward to it everyday now. I thought you might appreciate a taste of a documentary about a friend of ours who battled cancer for more than 15 years after his diagnosis. It is a story about courage, grace, friendship and the unknown that cancer is.
It is still in the editing process.
http://www.briandocumentary.com
391. katliz said:
The day I found out my mother had stage 3 ovarian cancer was the worst day of my life; just thinking of that phone call makes me want to vomit. 16 chemo treatments, two surgeries and four years later, she is heathier and happier than anyone I know. She'll now randomly state that she went in for her routine blood work and a CAT scan and all is well, and it never ceases to stop me in my tracks: Wait, what? Oh, that's right, you USED to have a life-threatening illness, Mom. Now you don't.
The moral of the story is: your grief and worry is natural and born of love. And cancer? Not a death sentence in 2008.
I blogged about my emotions while my mom went through her cancer, and I love to re-read them now with the knowledge that she beat it. My hope to you is that years from now, your stepfather will be so far removed from his former illness that it stops you in your tracks when a reminder pops up.
And until then, much love and strength to your families. You'll never need each other more than you do now.
392. Anonymous in NYC said:
My thoughts are with you and your family and I am sure your Step-Dad will kick lymphoma in its ass.
I dont think you need religion to answer life's unanswered questions and to find comfort. Support comes from people around you and so thats why its best to pick good close friends who are there for you unconditionally. In your case you have a great family, and they will help you see through all of this. Hang in there.
393. Donna Gephart said:
Dear Heather,
I'm really sorry about your stepfather. My father-in-law passed away a few months ago and I'm still very sad. And it always brings up other sadness and pain.
I hope you can find a place of peace.
With all good wishes,
Donna
394. Erin said:
I spent the past 2 months (at work, figures) reading your blog from the very first available archive up to the present day, catching up maybe late 2 weeks ago. And I've really felt like I know you and related to so many of your feelings, even if I'm single, living with my parents, and uh, not a blogger.
And because of that I hope you look at Leta and Jon just for a second today and remember why we keep going on when we can't do it for ourselves.
Thanks for helping me make sense of some things for myself.
395. VinnyGirl said:
Dooce, call the therapist right now. You and i both know how much good they can do. I know it's a scary time for you and your family, but know also that you have lots of friends out here in internet land that care. It's going to be ok.
396. Amanda said:
Oh Heather, your feelings are so normal. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am thinking of your family right now and hoping for the best. I don't think anything can prepare someone for times like this in their life. It might be a great idea to see your therapist and let someone help you work through it all. As for your feelings about your miscarriage, can I just say thank you? I had a miscarriage as well, and I felt all the same things you described, about the lingering sadness and how I felt when I saw other pregnant women. It's so hard to work through, but I know, eventually, in your own way, on your own time, you will get there. Please don't ever feel bad about any of those feelings. Wishing you peace.
397. monica said:
Sorry for the news and I'm thinking of you and your family. I went through something similar about a year ago. My father was diagnosed with something that was difficult to deal with (he's doing better now, but it's something he'll have for the rest of his life so my family is still dealing with it) and like you, I am a little unsure of religion/beliefs. I like to believe there is a spiritual being of some sort and took comfort in having thoughts of "please watch over my dad and make him better." I don't know if anyone out there heard my thoughts, but figured any little thing like that can help! Hang in there!
398. Christine said:
Just wanted to say I'm sorry.
And hope for the best. For all of you.
No shame in heading back to therapy. None. For it all sucks.
399. Gwen said:
I know exactly what you mean about there being certain times when it would really help to have a strong, bedrock kind of faith... It would be so much easier to believe that all things happen for a reason and someone up there who knows best is in control and one day we'll understand it all. "Life just sucks sometimes for no good reason" just doesn't bring that much comfort when you are scared or hurting... I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your step-father. And I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Maybe hearing voices from the communities of people who have experienced similar things will bring some comfort - in the way that reading your blog entries often brings comfort and a sense of community to other people. My heart goes out to you and your family. All the best, Gwen
400. Karen said:
It sounds like your stepdad is surrounded by people who love him. I hope he will respond well to treatment.
I really think with cancer, it is the unknown that is the scariest part. Will the chemo work? Did you catch it early enough? The most excrutiating thing is the waiting for test results.
After going through this with my mother for the past few years, I just hope you are able to find a way to cope. Each person in my family handled it differently. My father and brother wanted to "fix it". My sister was pregnant with her first child and lived (understandably)in denial. I handled it by pre-emptively grieving. I hope you find your way.
I have three kids -- 5, 3 and 1. My daughter is a few months younger than Leta. I was really worried about how they would handle my mom's disease. Quite honestly, they handled it better than I did. She started using a walker -- they loved it and begged to push it around the house. She lost hair, they thought her wigs were gorgeous. While I tried to insulate them from it, they did not need it. We were honest with them about the disease and it did not scare them. I hope Leta has a similar response to your stepdad's illness.
I will keep your family in my thoughts. Thanks for your honesty.
401. Natalie said:
Oh Heather,
What a heartbreaking week. It really sucks when it all piles on at one time. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this, and wish you much comfort and peace.
If it is any help, my mother was diagnosed with leukemia and lymphoma in 1993. The doctors gave her less than 5 years to live. 15 years later she is still here.
Get him the best doctors your family can find, and cut yourself some slack during this time. Breathe, and put one foot in front of the other. Get help if you need it. And no matter what happens, though it may sound hollow now...it *will* all be ok.
Peace and love.
402. Breanne said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather. It is never, ever easy to hear a diagnosis. I hope that he gets better.
One thing I can offer though is The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I'm currently training for a triathlon to raise money for the society and they have a wealth of information and offer great support to both the person with cancer and for their families.
http://www.lls.org
403. FatChick said:
I can relate to how you are usually ok with your beliefs but not ok now. I was with my father as he died of lung cancer (and I was only freaking 27 and this was in Thailand), and the doctor told me I'd have to make the decision to pull The Plug. I was very much a Reform, liberal Jew up until that point. I realized that I was beyond my ability to cope or act, so I gave myself permission to call an Orthodox Rabbi, and even had one flown in from Bangkok to help me with decisions.
Now I'm 33 and very happily a Reform Jewish Buddhist something or other. Yeah, maybe I'm a hypocrite, but I believe that religion is here to help us deal. And it does. It helps me deal.
I feel for you.
404. Ann said:
I struggled with the religion thing my entire adult life. As I am a lot older than you, maybe it will help to tell you what I finally figured out for myself. Energy never dies, it is only transformed into another kind of energy (as any good scientist will tell you). I held one of my cats as he died and I held my mother's hand as she died and I can tell you that in both of them, the light left their eyes at the moment of death. The spark of life, of energy, went somewhere else. I don't know where else, but I don't have to know. When I die, I will find out.
I would never have believed this if it had not happened to me, but one week after my mother's death, I awoke in the middle of the night, feeling another hand on top of my hand. It was the hand I used to hold my mother's hand during that week she took to die and I knew instantly that it was her. I felt a lot of comfort and "knew" that she was OK, wherever that was. I don't know if we go on forever as personalities, but I do believe our energy goes on. I hope this may give you another way to look at what is a terrible possibility for you to face soon.
405. PCGeekNH said:
My thoughts are with you and your family. My wife and I just experienced a miscarriage and are having the same feelings it sounds like you and Jon are. Don't take this the wrong way...I'm certainly not glad you had to experience it...but I am glad in knowing that there are others out there like my wife and I having those same deep conversations about whether to try again. I am not looking forward to the day that would have been her due date, I am sure it will be as rough as what you are going through now...but then to compound that with further family health issues.
Again, we're thinking of you guys. Hang in there.
406. Tek said:
fortunately, you don't have to have a definitive opinion for prayers and best wishes to help. Sending them on in good faith.
tek
407. Lauren said:
((HUGS))
408. Kelly said:
Oh girl, like it or not, I just said a prayer for you. I wish you peace. And sleep - lots of sleep.
One more thing, for what it's worth. I had a miscarriage in 1997 at 8 weeks and I think of that little lost love every December 18th. I had two very nervous pregnancies after that loss and they resulted in two of the greatest loves of my life. Well worth the pain of the loss in my case.
409. moxymamarocks said:
I miscarried my first pregnancy in July of 03. I still remember and think often of the due date despite having two beautiful and healthy children since. While the pain of a miscarriage eventually dulls it never goes away and the emotions can be brought to the surface at the most unexpected of times. The sadness remains a part of me. I'm sorry for your loss. It will get easier!
410. Andrea said:
That is what therapists and medications are for: to get you up and over that especially tough mountain pass. My husband's 21 year old brother passed away suddenly a week and a half ago and then our cat of 17 years died two days later. When the really sad happens, I too reflect on my beliefs or lack thereof and I can understand to some extent how you feel.
I wish your family the best and hope your stepfather can fight the lymphoma.
411. Sarah said:
I've never posted a comment, but feel like I've known you forever. My sister lost twins 2 weeks apart from each other, but has had 2 girls since then. She is a pastor's wife and still went through her own questioning of life and the why's. It's not healthy if we never questioned our faith. Searching, praying, begging for help to get through it from God, family and therapists is the only way to breathe when it feels like our whole world is collapsing. If we can't breathe on our own, at least we have others around to breathe for us. Everyone has to own their own faith, and I think the simple fact that you are searching will be rewarded. I pray that you will find your comfort and strength to get through this and pray for healing for your stepfather.
412. Anonymous said:
Hahahaha
413. Sunny said:
I truly feel for you. This book is not released until June, but I wrote an endorsement for it and believe that you would find it helpful. I did. It's called "Mourning Sickness" and is on Amazon. {{hugs}}
414. Amanda Brown said:
I'm trying to figure it out too and am thankful for the days when I feel OK with that. The days I don't, it scares the crap out of me.
I hope you can find some peace, Heather. Thanks for the honesty of this post. You are brave and strong.
415. Catherine said:
I am so sorry to hear about your step-father. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Cancer in not always fatal even though it certainly sucks beyond words. My grandmother had lymphoma (SP?) in 1980, did chemo and lived cancer free until her death in 2001 from food poisoning (life's a bitch). She lived well into her 80s with no reoccurance of the cancer. Love to you dooce.
416. Shelley Noble said:
On board with loving you big time.
417. holly said:
as a christian myself, i never trust another christian who thinks they have everything about God and religion figured out. someone who thinks they have God figured out scares me, frankly. not to mention they're usually a pompous ass.
so, thank you for not being the pompous ass who faces uncertainty and tries to be superhuman and not be uncertain.
418. t(h)om said:
you can do it!
419. Michelle said:
I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to "know" things and to feel like we should have an answer (even if it is to ourselves) for how everything should be. No matter how much we know or don't no matter how much we are waivering in what we might believe in, life continues on...it seems so harsh sometimes that it will not slow down for us to figure out what we need to. I hope only the best for you and your family and I will say an extra prayer for your stepfather.(I pray a lot considering I am not sure what I belive in some days).
420. Liz said:
Dear Heather,
I love your blog because you are sharing the human condition - showing and telling and reminding all of us (who are living it too!) that this is what it's like. Mountain, valley, happiness, grief - from one thing to the next without rest. And we have to seize the moments when things are okay, pay attention right that moment, and say, heh, I'm lucky. Because that's what will carry you through times like these.
My friend did a live reading of Walt Whitman's Song of Myself the other day. This seemed apposite:
"You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you."
Peace & love from Vermont
421. Laura said:
An avid reader for almost 5 years now and I feel like I know you (I am sure you get this a lot). My heart aches for you. Thoughts are with you and your family.
422. Marcy said:
I know of a woman who tattooed the initials of the name she would've given to her daughter whom she miscarried. No, it is not morbid nor weird in any way for you to remember this date, this child, this life that could have been.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Cancer is a bitch. I myself am not always sure of what I believe, but I do hold onto certain comforting little ideas, like prayer and heaven and some sort of sense of order and purpose to life. They may not the rational, but they help at times, and I try not to delve too deeply and instead recognize them for what they are, comforts that give me strength when needed.
423. Mitchell said:
Heather, never forget that there are thousands of us out here thinking of you and pulling for you. You've brought a little bit of light to our lives and we will certainly be hoping for you to be as happy and wonderful as you deserve.
424. Leon said:
I'd like to turn on the turbo empathy and tell you how much I can relate to what you're going through. Truth is, I can't and I have no idea. None at all. I've lost family members and loved ones, but none on the order that you're dealing with. I often wonder and worry if I'm going to have the tools to deal with the types of grave circumstances you guys find yourselves in now.
I think what I can say with certainty is that it's alright to lose your shit. This is one of those times. Guaranteed. I think if you didn't, there'd be something wrong with you. Additionally, I like to point out (even if it's inappropraite timing), what a fucking stud your stepfather is. They found a killer football inside him and he's still up and around. That is Chuck Norris magnitude strength. Impressive. Most impressive.
All my prattling nonsense aside, our thoughts and best wishes are with your stepdad, you, Jon, Leta and the AWSL.
425. Janet said:
Sending all the love, prayers, vibes, etc I can muster for you and your sweet family. Please take care of you...
426. Joline said:
New here. My mom just informed all of us of a bombshell she's been sitting on for weeks. "Aggressive" cancerous cells were found in her uterous. Surgery is Monday. I'm feeling a bit numb and am wondering if I should be feeling something else? I don't know either.
Glad I found your site. Thanks for the honesty.
427. Shannon said:
I think you are incredible. (In a good way.)
428. andrea said:
It's 100% OK to not know what you believe in. I think a lot of people struggle with that, myself included. There are so many things in life that happen that make you question what really is out there. All I can do is offer you my condolences, and I really do hope your stepfather makes it through this ok. As far as the miscarriage is concerned, I don't think there is a woman out there who's experienced one that doesn't remember their due date and think what life would have been like had their pregnancy lasted. You'll be in my thoughts.
429. H said:
for what it's worth, people do care. and if good thoughts & hope count for anything, I am sending both to you & your family.
430. mary said:
Any one with an ounce of sense wouldn't judge you by admitting that. Of course, I'm judging them but that's okay because they're stupid.
I was raised Catholic and still pretty much am but I went thru (and still do) a lot of the same questions when a family member passed away last year.
There are 2 pregnant people at work and some days I start to think I want another baby but ... I don't know that either.
I guess part of being a grown up is realizing we don't know everything, and probably never will.
Best to you in dealing with life's latest hurdles. Hope your step-dad gets well. xoxo
431. Eric said:
I hope that you can gain some comfort in the support of those that care about you and also from the empathy of those of us that know you only from your blog.
My wife and I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and find a lot of resonance with you. We are both former Mormons (Fo-Mos) and even went to BYU before our epiphanies.
I cannot yet relate to the feelings you are dealing with about the health of a parent, and I won't try to pretend that I do, but I can relate to the miscarriage. My wife and I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago at 22 weeks, and I can say without reservation that this was the most horrible experience of my life. I do know, though, that I gained a lot of comfort from the stories of others who had gone through similar experiences and I was happy to hear how many of the stories ended with "and then we had our son/daughter _____". I hope to be one of those happy endings soon--we are expecting another child this summer. Although I now believe that we will survive, I will never forget our daughter that we never got to raise. Once a cold-hearted bastard, my emotions are now close to the surface and I get weepy eaisily (like right now). I don't believe in any deep reasons why bad thinks like this happen, and I actually get angry when family members suffering from Mormon Myopia make "comforting" comments about God's plan for us and the presumed religious reasons for loosing a child ("She just needed to get a body" etc.). I once thought that I might be happier with access to the opiate of the masses, but I now much prefer to look soberly at life with all its pain and suffering, knowing that at least I am not fooling myself.
Ok, I'm rambling. I empathize with you to the extent that I'm able. Life sucks like this, but I still think that the joys (like Leta) make it worthwile.
432. Julie said:
My relationship with my step-dad is pivotal in my life. It has to be there - I can't imagine all the emotions.
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for seeking. Thanks for voicing what so many of us are too afraid to do.
433. aimeow said:
So sorry to hear about your step dad; that must be so difficult. I empathize with your feelings about not having religion to guide you through these times of crisis. I'm in a similar situation myself. Even *with* the comfort of religious faith, these times are very difficult and trying. Do the best you can; that is all you can do.
434. Lissa said:
This is why I love your blog. You are so open and honest. Your emotions are so raw and even though most of the time you blog about the funny things that happen, you blog about the hard times too.
I'm thinking about you and your family. I hope everything will turn out okay and that you will get over this mountain. I hope the hope the pain will go away and that your stepfather will be fine.
435. Anonymous said:
Hi there friend,
I just wrote a somewhat like minded post in my blog about knowing when I need help & such.. trying to figure out, by seeing it in print, what it is that I need to get through, you know?
I think it's the asking for help, like you going back to your therapist, which is so brave and sometimes just what you might need.
You're a brave woman & I wish you the best, both you AND your family.
Peace,
Your Canadian reader,
Desiree Fawn.
436. Jane said:
You are carrying such a heavy load right now and trying to do it all alone. Very good idea to share a bit of it with your therapist...
Another thought...(2 in the same day!) You might take pictures of Leta and your stepfather doing the things they enjoy doing together, write a little paragraph beneath each, make 'em a book - you get the idea... I know he'd love it, and so would you.
I'm deeply saddened for you. Of course the loss of your baby, even if it was in utero, is a cause for grieving! You have a cyberspace full of people whose thoughts are with you.
437. Nichole said:
I'm sorry. I lost an aunt this year, and I didn't really realize what an important part of my life she'd been until it was nearly too late. I'm grateful that I did realize it while I could still tell her.
I'll be praying for your stepfather and your mother and for you and Jon.
438. wheezer345 said:
I know alot of other people said it too but good thoughts comming your way from me. Hope everything turns out right. (I never know what to say in these instanses, that probably sounded stupid but you know what i am trying to say. :))
439. Jessica said:
Oh Heather, I'm so very sorry. You're in my thoughts. *hugs*
440. Melissa said:
Wow, I commend your bravery for bearing your soul so deeply. You will make it through this. When we're forced to question who we really are and what we really believe, we grow the most. Maybe there are no profound moments or epiphanies, and we just make it through somehow, and all we gain is the subtle realization that we SURVIVED, and that's enough. I know exactly how you feel about your stomach flipping whenever you see a pregnant woman, but I've never been able to put it into words as beautifully and clearly as you did in your post. This week was also the due date of a baby that I miscarried 2 1/2 years ago in October. It's not morbid to remember that, and I'll never forget the date - it's completely human, and it shows what a wonderful loving mother you are. I never thought I'd heal, but somehow my heart slowly mended despite my mind still struggling to rationally figure out why. You're going through so much right now, but hang in there - you're not alone. I hope and pray you find the rest and peace of mind that you seek.
441. Amberface said:
I don't know if you are going to see this among your hundreds of other comments you get, but I just wanted to express my deepest empathy. I understand that pain of losing a baby through miscarriage and that was on the most horrific experiences I've ever dealt with. I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with the pain.
I'm also so sorry about your stepfather.It's so hard seeing parents in pain knowing there is only so much that you can do. My family is mormon and I still have a hard time deciding which direction to go into.It's good to know that there are people who can relate and empathize the struggles that you are dealing with. Obviously people love you and can relate to the messages that you bring to us everyday. Anyone who deals with a miscarriage is a strong woman. It's always hard to lose something that is a part of you.
You are an amazing woman, wife, and mother and I hope that you get the answers you may be looking for and I hope that you will be able to get some sleep and peace. At least you know that you have everyone here supporting you expressing their love.
Good luck and wishes to you and your family.
Amber
442. Courtney said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather's ill health and your hurting. You're right that a lot of people out there struggle with what they believe. Anyone who doesn't has their eyes and mind shut, but then, maybe that's what they need to make it through the day. Although I'd classify myself an atheist, I pray (even though I don't believe anyone's listening), and I know that my grandparents are in heaven (in which I don't believe) because I can't imagine it in my heart any other way. It works for me. For now. I hope you find something solid to hold onto, and that health and future blessings come your way soon. You and your family are in my prayers.
443. Anonymous said:
Much love sent from heartfelt places. My stepfather died suddenly last year and it was exactly like a punch to the face.
And I too went all kablooey around the due date for my miscarriage.
Although what you are experiencing is normal, you do indeed need some sleep. May the sandman come visit you very very soon with some restful slumber.
444. Ann said:
I am so, so sorry, Heather. I too am still trying to figure out what I believe, but I'm praying that you find the strength to climb that mountain. And I'm praying that your stepfather gets better.
As far as the baby issue ... the right answer to that question will come to you.
Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I hope you can feel the prayers and positive energy that I am sure are headed your way from across the world right now.
I hope things only get better from here.
445. Anita said:
Go back to your doctor NOW. This is a rough time and you know when you need help.
Also, expect that the one year anniversary of the m/c is going to be just as horrible as this time is. the first year anniversaries are the worst, but they suck.
We all know when we need help and this is one of those times.
446. michelle said:
Wishing you and your family the best and I'm sorry to hear about your stepfather. :(
I cannot find any words to talk about your miscarriage and the 40th week mark; you amaze me with your openness and I couldn't possibly say anything that would help. I'm just so sorry that you are going through this.
447. Madness said:
*MY* father called me TODAY with a cancer diagnosis too. :( My mother died in 1994 of lung cancer. Now dad has a tumor on his kidney. My heart is with you Dooce.
448. eskane said:
hi heather, first time poster, i love your site. i'm also not the praying type but i am thinking about you and your stepdad. i am training for a triathlon with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training in DC in september; i will swim/ride/run for Grandpa Rob!!
449. Anonymous said:
just sending some love. I cant give any advice, nor would it be my place to... but i do send love.
450. Lauren said:
Hang in there! Your doing great! I wish you all the best!
451. Jes said:
June 18th, 2007. That was the due date of our JuneBug that we lost. Sept. 16th, 2007, that was the birth date of our son Austin.
It's not morbid. It's the truth and I'll always know it.
I'll also always know that Julia Roberts gave birth on June 18th, 2007. Now, that's a little strange.
452. Melly said:
As always, Heather, you seem so brave to admit to your weaknesses and fears. I can't imagine the lives you touch and the effect you have on so many. In other words, you're not alone. You are very loved.
I've never been a Mormon or an ex-Mormon, but I can tell you that religion can't answer all the questions. The mysteries of life are what make it so amazing.
Be strong and have faith in who you are.
453. kate said:
Dear Heather;
My heart goes out to you. This is a tough time in your life and I want you to know that even though I don't know you, I feel like I do. And, I care. My thoughts are with you. Blessings.
454. Gen said:
This is my first post, sorry it's on such a sad subject. I understand how you are feeling. Our family (my parents and I) have been through 14 deaths and two life-threating diseases in the last 7 years.
I grew up Catholic and was taught there was no other religion (I think the priests were tapping the wine when they came up with that idea). I gave up on the dogma associated with that and learned Wicca. And gave up that too. Then shit hit the fan and everyone started dying on me.
So I realized that I didn't know and no one else knew either. I think the best way to ease one's mind about illness and death is to come to the conclusion that no one knows..in my case, God knows and he ain't telling. My husband's view is that God is the mean kid with the magnify glass burning the human ants. I think what matters is what a person's personal beliefs and values because that's all we know for sure.
I'll send get well vibes to you and your stepfather. It is sweet that you care for him as much as your father. And please keep your chin up..life sucks right now, but it's only temporary..and better days are probably just around the corner (it helps me on bad days to think this way..hope it helps you).
455. Chantel said:
Its probably one of the greatest lessons we never wanted to learn. Sometimes you just don't know and sometime you just need to look around you for your support. My heart goes out to you and your family.
456. Denise said:
I don't believe in God at all, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in miracles. I am hoping like hell that your stepdad can beat this. As for you, my friend, can you get a few Ambien's from a friend? Just getting a few nights of halfway decent sleep will help you immensely.
Lastly, I too know that "pang" that can happen when one sees a pregnant woman. What always helped me when seeing one was thinking that perhaps her pregnancy was just as much a battle as mine was to achieve. I found comfort in that, and perhaps you can too.
Take care of yourself. Give Leta an extra dozen hugs today.
457. Montyna said:
My Daddy was diagnosed with multiple myeloma almost 7 years ago. At the initial diagnosis things were grim and we were told we probably had less then 3 months to say our goodbyes.
Yet still here he is.
I started crying the moment I found out. Over the stupidest fucking things. And you'd think after all these years I woulda gotten that under control.
But no. I finally get around to the daily part of my routine that involves your insane family (right after a full coat of makeup) and am now streaking makeup and tears all over my face. Thank-you-very-much.
You'll live through it. You might not want to sometimes, but you do anyway. I'm sorry. I don't think it gets better.
458. Brandy said:
Your post made my throat twist up - I'm terribly sorry to hear about your stepfather. I hope for peace and comfort for you all - and I certainly have no criticims of you having questions about what it is you believe. I debate each and every day what exactly it is that I believe - in the light of day it is easy, but it is at night that the questions plague me. I also don't think it is morbid that you remember your due date. I was pregnant at the time that you posted about that and I remember feeling an incredible sadness for you that I know wouldn't even come close to comparing to what you were feeling. I don't know if all women would admit it, but I think most would remember. After my first pregnant experience and knowing now each of the steps that bond you with that little growing body, I can absolutely say without a doubt that I would always remember the due date of a child lost. Peace be with you in this trying time - and I hope you are able to find the help you need.
459. Miz Booshay said:
These times of illness and sadness and spiritual
searching are really difficult.
I feel for you, Heather.
A visit to the therapist would probably be wise.
I would go nutty with just the insomnia alone.
Take care of yourself.
I will pray for your step-dad and for you.
Donna
460. Anonymous said:
I love your honesty. I wish you all the best.
461. New Mama said:
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.
My dad was diagnosed with dementia three years ago and is currently in a hospice. Every time the phone rings I'm expecting to hear that he's passed away.
My husband and I also have one child and are hoping for another. I have never had a miscarriage, but it took $20,000 and several years of infertility treatments to finally get pregnant. We can't afford to go through that again -- financially or emotionally, so I'm doing acupuncture and hoping for a miracle.
Hang in there. You have lots of people rooting for you.
462. heysway said:
Sorry seems trite, but I am.
Best of luck dealing with a full plate.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
463. Brittany said:
I just want to say you are amazing and brave. If there is anything I can do let me know and just know that there are a lot of being behind you wishing you well.
I also am one of those people who for the most part is ok with not knowing exactly what they believe, just that they believe in something. It's just times when things go wrong, that it seems you wish you could find the exact piece of faith to make everything better.
464. Christina said:
Agreed - not the type to pray but I will hold you in my heart of thoughts...That is an aweful lot be carrying right now...and if I were you my therapist would be trying to un-handcuff me from their couch...because I would so be in there saying "hey...hold my hand". And in addition to the emotional stuff...you've had all this media attention...it's one end of the spectrum to the next in constant motion....
465. Mariam said:
I don't have much advice, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones during this tough time.
And it takes a lot of courage to tell the entire Internets that you're not sure what you believe. :)
466. Anonymous said:
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it's the best thing I have for you and I can't keep silent. I don't know you, or where you stand with God ( I see you mention Mormon a lot) but just like a therapist can help you climb the mountain, God wants to carry you to the top, and for free! I don't even know if you'll read this (cause 451 comments is a whole lot!) but this is truly from my heart. I know personally how difficult it is to somehow give our problems to God when we can't see him, but I also know the weird but true peace that comes with it in a raging storm. Life somehow becomes easier....
I hope the best for you and hang in there!
~Amber
467. JA said:
...I appreciate your candor in this and all that you do. I also believe you are a strong woman with an equally strong man by your side to help see you through this.
And you are right, no one, with religion or without, can explain how and why such things occur or why you recall aspects of your miscarriage so long after the fact. All we can do is be willing to understand that life is not ordered or always full of reason and that a willingness to persevere, either through our faith or simple will to live life, will get us through. Talking to your therapist is also helpful too.
I hope and pray for your step-father's health and wish you some much needed rest.
Thank you.
468. Kristen from MA said:
Sorry to hear about your stepdad, Heather. I'll keep him, and you, and your whole family in my thoughts.
Peace
469. Starr said:
You have literally made me almost wet my pants at work. So I feel like we are friends. Sorry you are going through a hard time. Had my first pregnancy and miscarriage a couple weeks ago. Heart wrenching, soul sucking and sometimes feels endless. If you have another baby or not, it will be what it is supposed to be. Same with your Stepfather. Sounds like he is a great man, has lived a great life and it will be what it is supposed to be. I hope you find peace.
470. Madness said:
I got news of my dads cancer today. My heart is with you Dooce.
471. Amy said:
I still remember my due date from my miscarriage. April 15th 2004. =( I'll never forget. And that's o.k. He/She was my baby and I will never forget.
472. val cox said:
oh dear, please take good care of yourself. I'm so sorry for everything that you are going through this week.
473. kimblahg said:
I would be shocked if you, or anyone in that situation, would forget the due date. Hang in there- I'm sorry for your loss and present stress. Have you read "Eat, Pray, Love"? There is a part where she talks about cherry-picking religions for the parts that fit into her personal belief system and I've grabbed on to that. I believe in some form of prayer, karma and the golden rule and I don't need to go to church to be spiritual or beg God to help my family when they need it. I hope your step-father comes through this okay and my fingers are crossed.
474. Ashley said:
I know this is comment number 4586, but i just wanted to say that....well....I get it. Last September, I lost my grandmother, who was without a doubt one of the most influential people in my life. I grew up in a staunchly Catholic family and as an adult I am a....??? Not an athiest but certainly not a Catholic. And it wasn't until her passing that I began to feel not ok with not knowing.
I still don't really have an answer and I'm still not ok with it.
475. teetotaled said:
Saying a prayer for both you and your stepfather Heather.
476. Alice said:
I don't know if you are familiar with Julia Sweeney, but she has a monologue out called Letting Go of God. The reason I mention this is because she talks about her and her father's fight against cancer while she was struggling to make sense of her own theology. Its a very personal and heartwarming story, I recommend you download it off itunes.
I wish your family strength. My heart goes out to you, Heather.
-Alice
477. betsy said:
Oh, Heather, I'm so sorry about your stepdad. And about your due date. Christ. When it rains, it pours -- what a pathetic idiom that is but it seems to really ring true here. Fuck.
Call the therapist and get something to help you sleep. Honestly the sleep deprivation is a free pass to a scary downward spiral so let's give that a miss. Can I suggest Lunesta? Better than Ambien and without the side effects of giving unwitting blow jobs and eating the contents of the fridge.
I'm an atheist and I regularly say to my husband, "If only I believed, it would all be easier to explain." And it would. Everything from dinosaurs to death. The not knowing? It sucks. Just muddle through and get some medicated rest.
Sending peace and strength to you, Heather. xoxo
478. Jenn said:
As always your writing is the best when you are brutally honest. Heather you have an amazing gift of being able to put into words what we all think about deep down inside.
479. bellevelma said:
Prayers and well wishes for your stepfather. If it makes you feel any better, I am reading your new book (got it for Mother's Day) and I love it.
480. Kimberly said:
Heather,
I am so sorry to hear what your step-father (and what you and your family) is going through. You all will be in my prayers. Cancer is rough but it's not undefeatable. Hopefully the doctors will find the best treatment for your step father that are easier on him and that things will get better soon. As difficult (and crazy) as it may sound, try not to let your mind wander to the worst. Hope is a very powerful emotion.
As for your miscarriage, unfortunately that is something you will always carry with you. You'll never forget the child that your heart already loved and your arms ache to hold. But, as with all loses, the pain of it will eventually soften. It's painful to lose a child because you lose certain hopes and wishes for the future along with it. One of the greatest things about the human heart though is it's capacity to heal and develop new hopes and wishes. Hang in there and be brave enough to get the help you need. There's nothing shameful about asking for help when you need it most.
I nearly lost our daughter who is just a few months younger than Leta. My pregnancy was very difficult to carry to term due to several complications but we were fortunate to have a doctor who was proactive in my treatment. He did tests that most doctors won't do during a first pregnancy. If you and Jon do decide to try to have another baby and you get pregnant, ask your doctor to check your progesterone levels. A low progesterone level is one of the leading causes of miscarriage. My doctor put me on progesterone as soon as our pregnancy was confirmed but my levels were still too low. He adjusted my dosage and it made the world of difference. I really think it saved our daughter's life.
As for what you believe or don't believe, this is another area where you can ask for help. Visit different churches and ask the pastor / clergy questions. Find out what you believe by searching for the answers to your questions. I believe that if you search out the truth then God will direct you to it. I have no judgment of you and will be praying that you find the answers you need.
Please let me just add this one last thing. There are too many people who call themselves christian and are guilty of judging and accusing people for what they think they know is wrong. That is NOT what Christ taught and so don't let certain people's idioticies sway you in your beliefs. Christ taught love, not judgement. Unfortunately, too many people use their moral compass as justification to pass judgement on others. It is not a person's place to knock God off his thrown in heaven and to sit upon it and judge other people. Please don't let people like this keep you from seeking the answers to your questions in a church.
You are a lovely person Heather and you have an incredible family. Despite what's going on in your life right now you are a blessed woman. And you are very talented too. I enjoy your blog immensly and love how open and honest you are with your readers. Thank you for opening a window to your life and sharing it with the rest of us.
Many blessings to you and yours.
481. Been There... Done That! said:
Heather, You will not find God in religion because He has no part of that garbage... but He can be found, and I believe, He wants to be found by all who seek! God can handle your WHY's so don't be afraid to ask... And seek God Heather! He always hides in plain sight.
Blessing, Love, and Prayers :)
482. red said:
oh heather. i am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now. i'm praying for you and your family.
483. barbie2be said:
oh, heather. i am so sorry. i know words are just platitudes but really, some of us are thinking of you and yours and hoping that your pain doesn't last too long.
484. Mel said:
You and your family will be in my thoughts! I wish you the best! Hang in there!
485. Juls~ said:
Hi Heather,
I am so sorry to read that your step-dad is ill. Life can really throw curve balls at you, and in this case, from the emotional turmoil you're dealing with, missiles. You have experienced an enormous amount of stress lately that would impact each and every one of us. As you know, when you have anxiety, it further amplifies everything to very high levels. If it helps to cry, scream, write, talk -- "just do it". Whatever you feel that you need. If you need a break -- you need a break from things. Rest.
My stepdad, who I rarely refer to as that (I call him Dad. He IS my Dad.), raised me. My mother is Catholic, sent us all to Catholic school. Dad is Agnostic. We've had lots of discussions concerning religion and opposite perspectives growing up. Heated ones too I must add! I have told him that although he doesn't believe, he will make his way to heaven because he lives a good, Christian life and I am gonna help pray his way into heaven. He's the guy who will stop to give a homeless person a coat or some money for lunch. He's the guy who stops what he's doing to fix something for me around my house, talk to me about a problem or help fix my daughter's car. And while we have different opinions about religion and life, there is a lot of love between us, respect for different beliefs (although sometimes it doesn't seem like it) and comfort knowing that he is there for me.
Your religion is a part of who you are and what you have become. Your faith is growing and blossoming. Your faith is there for you now. A lot of people are at crossroads regarding not so much "beliefs" but re "organized religion". What I am saying is, you deserve to rely on your faith through crisis and change. Plus you have all of us! And we have you!
Time for a long walk through nature ...
Love to you and your family.
486. Amy said:
Heather,
I think that regardless of our faith, we all have times in our lives where we question things. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They just shouldn't. They wouldn't if I had my way. But, they do. And it sucks. I hope you find comfort knowing that others are rooting for you, and so many of us feel very much like you do when something bad happens.
Perhaps it is time to see someone and let them help you climb. The sheer strength it takes to even consider it means you're already on your way up.
Take care.
487. Angie - EX UTAHN said:
Well, it is Friday and you know what I do when I am down? I have been to the therapists office before, but it only helped about the same as TEQUILA! (unless you are an alcoholic) No, really seriously take a 12 ounce corona, limeade and a bottle of tequila with 7 Up and mix it in a one of those sun tea jars you get at the grocery store. When Leta is in bed have some "Beer Margaritas" and sit on the patio. Cancer is scary, and so is dying, but not nearly as bad as living can be when we take it too seriously. I know it is hard right now, but you just need to chill out after all this TV bullshit and your father-in-law will live on no matter what. They never die, they just change form. Take it from me my friend, we all have our bad days where we need to fall apart. I give you permission to let go. The weather is SLC has got to be perfect right now for hanging in a hammock or something like that. I wish you weren't so sad. Hang in there. I feel your pain...for goodness sakes you need to rest!
488. Debbie said:
There's nothing wrong with being in the middle of deciding what you believe.
And as a Step-Dad's Kid, I'm teary-eyed from reading this.
Wishing you and your family the best...
489. Cary said:
It's true, sometimes it doesn't feel okay to not know what you believe. Sometimes, it would be nice to know what to do when you're kicked in the stomach like this. When my father was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer this past August, I didn't have a set of beliefs or rituals or faith to guide me through his sickness, and I knew the Catholicism of my family (or theism at all, for that matter) that I'd long left behind was no longer applicable for me. I didn't (and still don't) have anything analagous to replace it with, other than the very real connection offered to me by those who love me, the kind of connection that transcends what any of us believe in our minds and even our hearts. Stay present to your stepfather and to yourself. It's going to fucking SUCK some days, and other days you'll be overwhelmed with gratitude at the love that surrounds you. All you can do is try to keep your heart open and ride the snake.
Much love--
490. Allison said:
You're not alone. We're all thinking of you and hoping for you.
491. Joolieblue said:
It is not at all weird to be sad about the due date. My first child would have been born around October 6, 1985, and I still think about that child on that date and the date I miscarried (March 13, 1985).
Love and loss are so intertwined. If you don't love so much, you don't hurt so much....and that's not worth it at all!
Thinking of you and all the ones you love, have lost, and are afraid of losing.
492. Beth said:
My mom, dad, and mother-in-law have all beaten or are living (and I mean really living) with cancer. I know how terrified you must feel right now and I just want to say to you that there is hope even with the most dire sounding diagnoses. I wish you and your family the best.
493. Carol K said:
My son died after a 5 year battle with cancer in February 2007, he was 10. I think that I keep anniversaries or special dates to center my grief around so that it doesn't take over every moment of my life. I think these are good ways of protecting ourselves as well as moving forward through grief. I don't always know that I'm storing up for a special date until it arrives and sometimes it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I do know that it sure takes a lot of extra energy to get through it. I sleep, but the dreams are bad enough sometimes to make it less than restful.
Get something to help you rest/sleep during this high stress time and see the therapist.
Your love for your baby and your stepfather are evident in your words about them - you honor them both here and in your life. I hope you find some peace in your own way.
494. Sami said:
I know you'll get (and have already received) hundreds of comments -- but that's because, somehow, you have touched our lives in some way and we felt a strong emotion that compelled us to reach out and try to comfort you.
You may not need comforting. It comes across as though you might need some answers to life, in general.
Just know that you have so many moral supporters floating around in the wires and tubes and plastic devices that make up the Internet -- a webbed version of a family tree, or, at least, a friendly tree.
One thing I like to keep in mind is perspective. Perspective is key. However, on that same note, selfishness is also important to have sometimes.
You'll pull through this whirlwind; tenacity!
:) ♥.
P.S. I, too, am a puffy cryer!
495. k-m-s said:
GO GO GO! Go to the therapist!
I tell mine that I am going to "What-about-Bob?" her if she ever retires.
I'm not a spiritual person in a religious sense. I lost my father when I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter. He was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer 2 days after I found out I was pregnant and he died less than 2 months later. It was one of the most emotionally confusing times in my life. I didn't find myself looking for religion after my dad passed, but more of a spiritual sense of things. What I have come to believe is that all the people that leave this earth leave something behind them in all the people whose lives they have touched. It could even be the kindness he showed to the little old lady he held the door for at the supermarket in a rainstorm 3 years ago. Keep everything that you have inside you from your stepfather. Help Leta keep what she has. I talk about my father with my daughter (4 in July) as if her were right here with us. She knows a lot about him and he is called "Grampa Bob". He is here as long as we keep him here.
I'm happy to be part of this "internet" support group you have. Imagine all of our hands helping to hold you up in this difficult time.
<>
496. Undomestic Diva said:
As a former Mormon who is now very uncertain in the faith department, I constantly feel like I have to remind people that just because I don't believe, doesn't mean I don't want to believe; something to believe in. And when times get all shitty and scary and overwhelming, it's like total devastation for me because I have no faith that there is a reason why. I have nothing to take comfort in.
Hang in there.
497. Loraine Gholdston said:
I have no real answers,either, and religion has never helped me. It would be nice to have that kind of security blanket when I lose someone- which seems to be happening far too often lately- but I've never been good at fooling myself.
I'll just have to rely on my long- held non- religious belief that there is a place for good souls to go.
498. Sarah said:
I'm so sorry, Heather <3
499. Susie said:
Heather I'm so sorry about what you're going through! My thoughts are with you and your family. Please give your mother our regards and let her know your readers are mentally holding her hand and wishing her the best.
Hoping for good news,
Susie
500. Rebecca said:
Miscarried October 19, 1996, was due May 5, 1997. Yes, you'll always remember.
501. margie said:
and all of this makes you human. I'm holding all of you in the light.
502. Carly said:
Heather,
thinking about the baby you lost won't always hurt the way it does now. Time does soften the pain, as impossible as it may seem right now. But I suspect you may never "forget" your loss and I wouldn't try. It will be easier to live with some day.
It is VERY VERY VERY (very!) normal to feel grief and sadness around the time of your due date. I still remember mine, 14 years later, because it ws St. Patrick's day and my husband is Irish; but it doesn't make me cry any more to think about my curly redheaded girl. I was only 10 weeks pregnant, so I don't even know for sure it was a girl, but in my mind's eye, that's how I visualize that child.
You are not alone. Hang in there.
503. Mel said:
My Grampy was diagnosed with stage 3 throat cancer and to make a long story short, 3 years later, he is in complete remission and has been for quite some time. There is always hope.
504. Christin said:
hi heather,
many others have said this but i just wanted to add my two cents - my twins were due june 19th and i lost them this past january. it is immensely hard for me to see pregnant ladies around town, i think "why do they deserve a baby more than i do?" i know that is silly but i don't think after a loss like that you can think rationally about it. i'm going on vacation on my due date because i don't think i could handle being at work during that time, too painful. so you're not alone, and i'm thinking of you.
505. kcbelles said:
I know you probably won't read to post #500, but I wanted to get my good wishes and hopes into the cosmic whatever that your stepfather and you will be alright. Know that you are loved and take care of yourself. As much as Jon loves you, he cannot do it for you. If it takes talking to a shrink, go do it. I read someone suggesting you take some time off - if that would help, do that. We'll all still be here when you get back. Peace!
506. Zoot said:
You will always remember the due date, I remember all four of the due dates I missed. But - the pain eases every year. Hang in there. You and your family are in my thoughts.
507. pk said:
Once again, I'm commenting too late for it to be seen I'm sure, but it's worth it for the good juju I hope. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best with your current struggles. All the best to your family as well.
Thank you, Heather, for all that you give all of us.
508. Anonymous said:
Heather - I'm so sorry you're going through this. All of this.
As you can see from many of the posts above mine (and I just skimmed them - you have way too many friends/readers for me to read them all), you're not alone in remembering the due date from a miscarriage. Mine was July 18, 2003. And I have a happy, healthy daughter two weeks older than Leta. But I have feeling I'll never forget my first pregnancy.
And for today's assvice...call your therapist. Now. Today. It can only help. And we'll all patiently wait if you need some time to yourself, rather than writing. And we'll be here to read, and to support you, when you do feel like writing.
My thoughts are with you and your family during these difficult days.
509. Sugar said:
I think we all will hold you up in our own way... no matter what... you have brought a lot of smiles to us all. Consider it a bank account that you can now draw from. I hope you are feeling some good vibes coming your way, no matter what the channel that it floats on.
510. Traci said:
Just wanted to say...thinking of you. While it seems sometimes that all the bad stuff comes at once, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is when you hold your loved ones close and try to think good thoughts.
Try to get some rest. :)
Sending hugs and good wishes from Ohio to Utah. :)
511. Natalie said:
It's totally okay to not know what you believe in. I'm thinking of you all and hoping that things get a bit easier in the very near future.
512. Pat said:
There are several people close to me with cancer right now, and I had been struggling to put words to the prayers I have in my heart. But I looked through a book about healing prayer last week, and found these beautiful and calming words:
“May the healing love and grace of God be in every corner of your heart, crevice of your mind, and cell of your body.†Avery Brooke
513. Amanda said:
You know what I believe, its all random and shit happens...and what gets us through it is inherant the kindness of the human race. I can identify what you say about seeing pregnant women...I gave up my baby at 16, had to have IVF at 30 and miscarried...my father died of Leukemia after just 4 days of diagnosis..I could look for all sorts of reasons why this happened and sure enough the evidence would be there to back up whatever theory i chose to believe...but what's important is that what got me through those tough times was the goodness of others and their kindness towards me. Go for it Heather, follow your heart and dont be scared...no one gets away without some heartbreak in life...whatever life throws at you we have the power to survive ,love and kindness will see us through...Take comfort from those around you and dont isolate yourself or let others be isolated in your/their grief......
514. Rosemary said:
I wish you all the best. I know how hard it is to not know what you believe when you really need something to believe in. I hope you find everything you are looking for.
515. Jamboree said:
Best wishes for you and your family during this difficult time.
516. Lisa said:
just wanted to say i'm sorry for what you are going through and i hope that you will be able to find peace in whatever way you choose to... i'm not particularly religious - but i will think some good thoughts for you and your family.
517. Ellen said:
Hang in there. You, your stepfather, and your entire family will be in my prayers.
518. msp said:
I'm with you. Get you.
Raised a catholic for forever number of years. Decided not to baptize our now 20-year old son - I thought it a matter a principle when in reality, likely a matter of laziness. Mass, early? Tithing, eh? He told me recently, "don't want to kill you but I'm pretty much a non-believer...athiest. (okay, fuck the spelling.) I cant' argue as i ever really "got" it either.. after oh so many years. But what I do get is family. and love. and great big questions and worries about parents, step-parents, babies, babies that never got to some to us. Take a break if you need to. I live for your postings but it's obvious that you need some "me" time ..or some "me, leta, and jon time"
love.
519. CO-tation said:
Heather-
You're going to get through this tough time. Not sleeping is really hard. Maybe go with Leta and Jon (pups too) for regular,sunny outdoors walks. (Wheeler Farm is nice)
Exercise and sunlight seem to help. Talking about your feelings, questions helps too. Its so normal to question church and its man-made rules. Everyone does that! Its often the people at church who mess up spirituality. We're all seeking God.(read Eat,Pray,Love) Christ remains at my central core of belief, though I don't believe exactly the way I was raised.
My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and it wounded me deeply, but now I have 2 great little kids. Don't worry Heather, it's going to turn out better than you dreamed.
520. Sarah said:
Bravo to you for sharing this! You know, right now your life seems perfect (from the outside). The media reports you make enough money to lay it out on the living room floor and roll around naked in it. You take trips most of us couldn't afford.You have a house that is fabulous and you live in Salt Lake City (we had to move because it is too expensive compared to the southern states) And yet you're still like the rest of us. Nothing is ever as perfect as it appears on the outside.
I too know I do not believe in the mormon gospel any longer. However, I do not know what I DO believe in. And, yes, at times of loss or sadness you miss that safety net. I know that feeling well.
I had a miscarriage nearly 9 years ago and despite the fact I had a child before that and 3 more afterwards I could still tell you the exact day it happened and when our baby was due.
Please take care of yourself, Heather. Believe it or not there are a lot of us who are stay-at-home mom's and for one reason or another are also holding our shit together by a thread. Corny as it may sound I think some of us need you. You're my fearless mommy blogging leader! And oh God do I hate the term mommy blog. I hope you feel so much better soon and I would miss you terribly if you were not here to make me laugh at my own trials every day.
521. Lindsay said:
I really enjoyed this post. One thing that comforts me is knowing we are all in life and death together and also beer and wine comfort me as well ;)
522. Emily said:
All these comments? Just one big group hug with you in the middle.
*HUG*
523. Sara B said:
Hey there Heather. I read all the time but rarely comment, but I wanted to this time just to say I know what you're going through. Within a year of each other, my mom and her sister were diagnosed with relapses in their breast cancer. In both cases it was the same sort of "this doesn't look too good" straight from the beginning. I was nineteen. It was a really really hard time for my family, and we're still (three years later) working through it, but we're managing ok, 'cause we have each other.
Anyway, my thoughts are with you.
524. Annamarie said:
You are so not alone in being unsure of your beliefs. Everyone goes through it at one time or another. I know this because I work in palliative care and I see it happen. So please just take care of you and let yourself grieve.
525. Andie Grace said:
Dearest Heather, it's perfectly normal and appropriate to remember and reflect on your due date and to feel affected by it. You may find that every year, you'll feel it tug at you. Don't let anyone tell you you have to ignore the feelings it brings up in you. Motherhood has many compelling and powerful internal mechanisms that no external force can explain away, and you are entitled to your connection to that loss. It's yours, and you can give yourself permission to just have it be what it is, I think.
Best wishes to your stepfather and your family.
526. Amy said:
I am a first time reader to this website today and it is overflowing with positive energy ....... I wish you and your family peace at this very difficult time~
527. Julie S said:
Heather---
I've only been reading your blog for a few months but I completely relate to your life and your experiences. I, also, just had my anticipated due date pass on 4/21. It surprised me how difficult it was to have that day/week come and go. It goes to show that even if you THINK you've moved past something, oftentimes you really haven't. I know exactly what you mean about your mixed feelings about seeing pregnant women lately, I feel the exact same way (and doesn't it seem like everyone and their DOG is pregnant right now???).
I don't exactly know what I believe in spiritually either but I do believe that everything is perfect in its own time and I hold on to that when I find myself getting caught up in my own timelines and how things "should" be.
Hang in there.
528. Alan said:
Sending the fondest of thoughts and the best of wishes your way. Thanks for being willing to share even your difficult times with humor and humanity.
529. linds said:
Hi Heather,
I have a couple thoughts ... hehe... but don't we all?
The first is I understand the feeling of how much you love your step dad! I've had a similar one. May I make an off-the-wall suggestion? I heard about something in Lakeland FL where people are being healed from terminal diseases. Take a look at the web site: http://www.revivallakeland.org
I think what most people don't realize is that God loves people and wants to heal them- regardless of their belief systems. Its one of those situations where you may be up for trying anything... I haven't been there, but I heard about it and it came to mind when I was reading your blog. I think I would've taken dad had I known about it. It looks crazy but it might work...
Second, I'd go to the therapist. I have a lovely one if you're looking for one! The bad news is she doesn't live in Utah.
Sending all of my best wishes to you,
linds
530. Angie said:
Sorry to hear your sad news. I know hard it is to face what is going on in your life. All I can say is embrace the love of your family and friends, and hold on tight.
531. mary said:
My darkest moments always come when I'm short on sleep. Hang in there, this too shall pass...
532. Heidi D. said:
Heather,
I've been a reader for a long time now, and am often touched by what you have to say. I, too, am a recovering Mormon, and deal with major depression and other health problems. Plus, I love reading funny things and looking at cute puppies, and your blog fits the bill!
I mostly wanted to take the opportunity to say "Thank You" for all you've done ... for the support you've given to complete strangers, the openness and honesty that lets others know they are not alone ... the humor that helps people get through the day and see the beauty and joy in everyday life ... all of it. You are simply a treasure, and I want to thank you for that.
I will try not to give you any advice, you seem to be too smart and obviously know yourself way better than I do for me to try that! I want to let you know that you are not alone in these battles, and as corny as it sounds, you and your family will be in my best thoughts (as they often are, anyway ...).
Best wishes.
533. ~Jenn said:
Holding you and your family in the light.
534. Priscilla said:
Oh man. Miscarriage is the worst kind of hurt. It was a year before I felt like myself again and was no longer struggling with severe depression and anxiety (loves me some Lexapro). I say that not to make you think oh crap it took someone that long to feel better, but to say that yes, it takes a while, but one day you wake up and for whatever reason, you feel a little better. Keep hanging on...it WILL get better.
One other thing that helped me somewhat, and not at all to get preachy on you as i'm not nearly as religious as when i was growing up in the warm embrace of the southern baptists, was realizing that faith is peace without understanding. ie, not understanding why the hell anything is like it is, but knowing that it'll all work out in the end somehow.
losing a baby was heartwrenching and painful and awful, but if we hadn't lost that first baby, we wouldn't have adopted from Guatemala, and I wouldn't have a heart full of the cutest 20 month old I've ever seen. So, it still pains me that I never gave birth to that little promise those years ago, but if it led me to the amazing daughter I now have, so be it. I am at peace.
Hope you're feeling more like yourself soon, and so very sorry to hear about your stepfather.
535. Dawn said:
Back to your therapist, woman! Post haste.
This is big stuff with which to deal.
Your stepdad will be in my thoughts.
536. elle said:
Hang in there. You are in my thoughts. I'm glad that you are willing to show your human side and share your feelings, I also hope that it helps.
537. lostinutah said:
Take care of yourself, Heather, so you can take care of your Mom and be there for her as you so obviously want to do. My prayers are with all of you.
538. mamaspeak said:
Heather,
I don't know how much it helps, but there's a lot of us faceless, nameless lurkers who are thinking/praying/lighting candles...for you and your family right now. When you get down to it, none of us KNOW, religion is just about hope. (Southpark says it's the mormons who got it right, but if that's the case, then heaven a personal hell for quite a few of us now, isn't it?)
I hope that somehow these comments are truely able to bring you all some small relief from the path that lies ahead of you. There's really nothing any of us can say that would make you feel better, but perhaps the fact that we would say it if we could will help.
539. Heidi said:
I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.
Know that you aren't alone. I was raised LDS too, and the whole death and afterlife thing is the one thing I am having a problem "getting over".
I also relate well to the due date pain. I was pregnant when you announced your miscarriage, and cried so hard for you. When I lost my baby (and the one after that too) I thought of you, and how strong you seemed to get through it.
Know that although may feel weak, you are so strong, and there are people out there who do draw some strength from you.
xxoo
540. Moda di Magno said:
Sending nothing but love and hope in all directions for you.
It's okay to pray - in your way, in any way you see fit.
Hugs to you all,
-Lori
541. Loraleigh Vance said:
I'm always so eager to see your new posts because you tell it exactly the way it is - no bullshit.
You are always very real - whether that means being incredibly hilarious or indescribably sad.
Get whatever help you need and know that you are in my prayers, thoughts or whatever is politically correct to say here. Just know that I'm sending you good thoughts.
542. Cheryl said:
Oh Heather, I'm so sorry to hear your step-father is sick. I pray he defeats this monster disease!
And it's ok to ask for help. :)af
543. Sally said:
Heather,
It's going to be ok no matter what happens. My thoughts are with you.
Sally
544. Cathy said:
Heather, even those of us who have strong faith sometimes struggle with the hows and whys and feel like we're lost. I hope that your stepfather will be able to fight and beat this illness.
I was so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, and I think if it were me, the due date would be burned into my brain forever as well. Take care.
545. Pat said:
I totally get where you are right now. I just lost my dearest uncle -- playing golf 6 weeks ago, dead last weekend. And I'm not so sure about the existence of God, the happy afterlife, the goodness resulting in heaven, any of that stuff. All I know is that I miss my uncle and now he's gone. I'll think of him every year at this time, I know. Loss and grief have a profound effect on all of us, whether we're grounded in what we think are truths of a faith or floating someplace on the fringe. It's good you write; I think that writing helps us make sense of our experiences and feelings and harbor them in a safe place -- and we can return there anytime, and not forget.
Allow yourself your grief and your fear. It's OK you have them. It means you're alive.
You will feel better if your body gets some rest. Try a sleep aid for a night or two if you think it's OK. You'll be surprised how healing sleep can be.
Best wishes, and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm thinking/praying/doing whatever I'm doing when I wish you well ...
546. Jill said:
I started reading Dooce all those years ago (and kept reading) because of the similarities I found in my life as a "recovering Mormon" and all that I was going through. And as I type this comment I feel like nothing I say will make any difference with the 500+ other people also commenting...but I felt like I needed to say something.
You have this amazing ability to connect with thousands of people on a daily basis through this quirky blogging world. And I guess that in some small way I hope that this time maybe there is something that can be said to help you. If nothing else, I know what it means to question everything you thought you knew and wishing that part of it were still true to you...and also just wanting to believe in something that will help make sense of everything that is being thrown your way.
Believe in whatever your heart tells you to be true. Some of it may stem from beliefs you had long ago and some of it may not. It's nobody's business but your own.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
547. Susan said:
It's ok for you to feel all of the feelings you're feeling and to not know how to react to a close family member's illness and to have your stomach flip at the sight of a pregnant lady. That's what makes you human. The fact that you put it out there, well, that's how you know you have a heart. I'll be praying for you during this difficult time.
548. Hope said:
I miscarried 25 years ago. Still remember my due date.
I'm sorry to hear about your step father. I don't think there are words to make any of it better or easier.
549. LHK said:
I am also a recovered Mormon (37, now, rejected it in my teenage years) who lost her mother at 19 and is losing her father in a slow, miserable way. Despite my father's illness, every day I see miracles regarding him and I wonder if I don't have it wrong, if maybe I'm supposed to be buying into something that I just still don't buy into. I won't ever be an LDS again, but the confusion is there for many of us. I can tell you that in my little section of the world, there is no judgment, just empathy, sympathy, and as much good mojo as I can send you and your family's way.
550. Kristi said:
Heather, I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather. I don't really know what to say, being commenter number 579, that hasn't already been said. Thanks for coming into my home each day and making me smile. I wish I could return the favor. All I really have to offer right now is something like an advertisement -- a couple of months ago I found this stuff called Rescue Sleep at my "natural foods" store, and found it shockingly helpful with my insomnia. The samples come in these little bubbles that are perfect -- one of those three nights in a row and life was way more normal. Your mileage my vary, but I do recommend giving it a try.
Despite being in the "I don't know" camp myself, I'll say a little prayer for you and your family. Sometimes it just feels right.
551. Andi said:
Oh girrrrlll, go get you some extra pads, ropes, and water to help you climb that mountain! I just went back on Vitamin Z/Zoloft after being off for a year. I've got a mom going through chemo (then radiation) for breast cancer, her sister/my aunt is on chemo for the thrid time for cancer, and my stepdad recently had a heart attack. I'm feeling some of your pain.The day my dad was hospitalised for his heart my daughter woke up with a freakin ringworm around her eyelid, and my son puked all over the car when I went home between church & sunday school to get my phone to be able to check on my stepdad (mom & I teach sunday school together). I've been leaning on "my ladies" (as you called them the other day) and hubs a lot. Reading what you just wrote helps a lot too. Sometimes I feel really pathetic and whiney, but those that care tell me my fears and doubts and anger are justified. Hang in there!
552. Lauren said:
Don't worry about the puffiness - it sounds like you could do with a good cry to get rid of all the pent up feelings.
I understand about the due date thing to. Due to reasons i'd rather not talk about, I would have been a mum in around two weeks time and I constantly think about it. It's natural, and you're certainly not alone.
All the best, hun. x
553. Eddeaux said:
Hi Heather,
I don’t know if you ever read all these comments, but hopefully you will read this one.
I’ve been reading about your life for the past 6 years or so, pre-Leta, just after John, and I feel like you are family. What I hate most about Mormonism is that it is so legalistic with all these rules and regulations. To top that off, there are a MYRIAD of gay bashing, Bible-toting, religious fanatics that don’t understand the Bible. It’s like people having a Darwin fish and believing in Evolution but they’ve never read The Origin of Species. If people truly read the Bible and listened to what it says, it says “God is Loveâ€. There is a big difference between “religion†and “Christianityâ€.
So since you are feeling these mixed feelings, since you have no safety net, there is always someone you can turn to and that person is Jesus. That Jesus, will still allow you to listen to Sigor Ros and scream out “F!CK†in the middle of the night. He loves you right where you are at. There aren’t a lot of churches that have gotten the whole God/Jesus/Christian thing right, but people are human and often prone to being boneheaded – but don’t let their boneheadery keep you from experiencing a sweet and precious gift.
I’ve been a Christian since the age of 5 and been through a lot of crap and what I’ve realized is that God has given us the choice to love him and if we do, there are blessings – not curses and hellfire and damnation.
I’ll be praying for your stepfather and just for the heck of it, I’m going to throw in some prayers for you, Jon and Leta.
Much Love.
Eddeaux
554. Kari said:
Well that completely sucks.
Ugh. I am really sorry.
As far as sleeping, I second the first 545 posters who said get some help. You know what they say in an airplane - you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can save anyone else in an emergency.
555. Kim H said:
Well, you have a million and one people offering their sympathy and support, and I am one of them too, of course. But I thought maybe something to make you snort, too:
When you're looking at pregnant women and thinking of their tribulations, don't forget the joys of hemorrhoids.
556. Christina said:
Heather,
I still remember my due date, the date of my miscarriage, what we were going to name her, AND - you think you're weird - the night before I miscarried, we'd gone to Target to buy some pumpkins for jack-0-lanterns, and I just had to get a tiny little pumpkin for the baby, too. I miscarried the next day and kept the seeds from that little pumpkin in a baggie, in my freezer. That was 1990. I kept those goofy little seeds for y e a r s. No kidding. So no, you're not alone.
P.S. I read that you were a Bartlett PAIN-ther! When I was in high school, we always made fun of their cheerleaders for saying it like that. :)
557. Annie said:
On March 17 they found a mass on my Dad's pancreas and on March 18 I said goodbye to my husband as he left for a 7 month deployment to the Persian Gulf. My Dad has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and I've moved my three year old and myself across the coutry to be with him and help with his care. We're also in and out of the hospital. It is exhausting and terrifying. I know just how you feel. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
558. Anam said:
You have SO much stuff going on..good and bad and you're totally sleep deprived to boot. If you need some medical help getting back into some type of sleep schedule I say go for it, Kiddo.
You bring alot of joy into my life. You're brilliant & wacky which in my book is about the best combination I can think of.
Take care of yourself. I'll hold good thoughts for a restful night's sleep and for some brilliant and wacky new neighbors!
559. Cetta said:
I'm sorry to hear about your step father. You are right in that you're not so different from many, many of us who don't really know what we believe.
Keep your chin up :-)
560. brilliantpants said:
Hey. I love you.
561. Suenarita said:
From a fellow agnostic?, atheist? (I can't decide which - which prob makes me an agnostic).
Your strength is from within, not without.
562. Lolo said:
Heather:
On both subjects ...
a) It is most difficult to get through unexplainable times with a lack of knowing what you believe. However, it doesn't make it less sad, less traumatic or help your swollen eyes. It DOES rest your heart and mind when you can accept with true belief why these things happen. Something you just have to keep working at. And your background in religion at least gives you a leg up on a lot of other people.
b) I have one magical little girl. through endless discussions, my husband and I sort of agreed (I'm still getting there) we were great with one. Again, I'm still getting there, but now I'm in my early '40s and it just seems too late. As a traditional Catholic (Latin Mass and all!), I am clearly odd man out. ALL of my friends have no less than six kids and continue to announce their pregnancies monthly. And some of them are such disasters they shouldn't have any kids. Every time I hear someone is pregnant, my heart sinks to the bottom of my soul for a couple of days. I get angry and sad. And I've thought of seeing a therapist about it. I'm hoping someday this feeling will stop slapping me in the face.
So I hear ya.
And about that Today show interview ... I thought for a brief moment it was just me. Then I read your post. And I giggled aloud.
563. Karen (miscmum) said:
What a ride you've been having lately. I just wanted to add my thoughts and best wishes xx
564. loveMaegan said:
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I find I have many of the same worries as far as religion and children go. It's so confusing. This is where the stupid saying "ignorance is bliss" may be helpful? ...too late though. Sleep definitely is the key here. go get some :) I hope your step-dad gets better.
Happy Friday! Have a relaxing and restful weekend.
565. Bethbb said:
I know: Not a St. Patrick's Day goes by that I don't remember that was the due date for the one I miscarried. I'm not sure if you ever forget, but it does become less painful over time.
Lifting you up from down South -
566. sarah said:
you're in my thoughts. xo
567. Knaphrodesiac said:
This is one of those times when all I can muster is a hug.
*hug*
568. Carol said:
My eyes welled with tears reading your post. You and your family will be in my thoughts. When I've been in the midst of very painful experiences, the words "This too shall pass" have given me a strange sense of peace. I hope they do for you, too. I don't like to be cheesy, but I really feel for you. So I'll also say that I hope you're able to embrace "not knowing" and feel the grace that can come from that.
569. Karan said:
Don't live your life in fear of what might happen, but live it in celebration of what it can be. It feels better that way.
570. Sara said:
It's been almost four years, and I still think about my due date. It's gotten better, but the first time was really hard. I have had two kids since then, and they help a lot. I will always wonder about the baby I would have had and wonder what he or she would have been like.
I wish you and your family all the best. I hope everything works out for your stepfather.
571. This Girl Remembers said:
Heather,
I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather's illness. As are so many of us out here in cyberspace.
I don't quite know what I believe, either. And sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes, as you said, it doesn't feel ok. My grandmother died a little more than a month ago, and I'm still struggling with all of that. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife. I don't know if I believe in God, in any traditional sense. I do know, though, that I DON'T believe in a God who plans out illness and fear and death and grief. It didn't help for people to tell me that my grandmother's death was all part of "God's plan" and I should just be happy that she's with "him" now. Ugh. Sometimes bad things happen and there's no reason. That totally sucks. I think that what really matters is how we live with one another right here, right now. In all of the loss and pain around my grandmother's passing, I am so astounded by the way in which my family gathered around her, and how our circle tightened as we held each other up through those first days without her. If anything is sacred, that circle was. We make our own meaning, and it is a good one.
Which is to say, I don't have any answers either, but I'm holding your stepfather and your family in my heart today. And especially you, as you deal with not only his illness but your own loss as well. You should never feel like the loss of a child through miscarriage is a lesser loss than others. In some ways, it's more. It's ok to grieve. As I know you know already, but I felt I needed to say it anyway.
Thank you so much for letting us into your world. Your openness and candor are blessings to so many of us who see a little bit of ourselves in your experience.
572. Julie said:
I'm delurking here. :) Wanted a million times to send you a huge fangirl letter but haven't.
I only know you from blog and twitter. You haven't the slightest idea who I am. I just want to drive out there from Kansas and give you a gigantic hug and pour you some good bourbon.
Please know that you and your family have so many good thoughts coming your way. So many prayers for you and your family both in the Mormon and other faiths.
My faith has been so tested over the past 2 years culminating in the hospitalization of my husband for over 6 months due to MRSA staph. It is my belief that God got me and my family through it. It is my prayer that he comfort and support you and your family through this time for you.
I completely understand about the baby issue. I had 2 miscarriages. I still have sad days around the due dates and it's been 11 and 5 years since those miscarriages. If you need help - it's ok. Forget the haters. You do what you need to do for the best interest of your family.
So many people know you through your blog. Thank you for bringing us into your life. We would all give you a gigantic bear hug (followed by the bourbon) if we could - and I think your friends in real life will do it in person.
I still wish I could give you a big hug.
573. Amy said:
Heather, you are so brave to open up about your feelings. I think that we can all relate with having some uncertainty about our faith. I will definitely be praying for you -- to find peace, comfort and love during this difficult time. But even more than that, I hope that you will gain some wisdom and discernment about what is real and true in this world. I, of course, have my own opinion of what that is, but I pray that God will lead you to that on your own. That is the only way that it will mean anything to you (as I know that you know already).
574. Cactus Matre said:
Heather,
1.I'm a Dooce newbie but total addict. Wish I had read you back in 2005 when I was having my own breastmilk puked and shit back up on me so I knew I wasn't alone. Anyway, keep doing what you're doing. I love of all it, love that you make money doing it. You have to find and make your own way and I love any woman with the guts to be honest, especially about motherhood.
2. We lost my mother-in-law to pancreatic cancer in 2003 before our son was born in 2005, still not over that, LOVED her. Be there for your stepdad, love him, ask him what he wants to talk about and what he doesn't want to talk about, just love him.
3. You're only 32, you have TONS of time to make the 2nd baby decision. I'm 39, my husband is 45, our son was born the month before I turned 36. I know that gut feeling being around pregnant women too but then I think of that 1st year again and how well I do sleep at night now and it goes away. We're considering adopting. We created one healthy baby, there are so many in the world without loving parents who need a chance, what about that? Also, you know well as I do there are tons of mothers out there who have suffered through multiple miscarriages and still found the strength to keep trying and finally conceive. You will figure it out. Doesn't sound like right now is the best time for that in your life though, but only God really knows.
4. Now for the here's-where-I-get-freaky-on-you part but I hope you'll consider what I say. I'm born again and praying for you to find your own way back to God, seriously and genuinely. I honestly do not know how any family, marriage or parent can make it without having specifically, I'll say IT, the Christian God to pray to and rely on, whether it's Mormon or Catholic or generic evangelical Protestant like me, and yes, I believe Mormons are Christians just with a little weird dogma. Whether Adam and Eve had belly buttons or not though (for a far out example) is inconsequential, but whether Jesus died for my sins is not. And I HAVE SINNED and I'm still a sinner, I still cuss like a sailor and drink like a fish and worse. So I can tell you girlfriend, if He died for my sins you have nothing to fear. Give ALL these worries up to HIM believing that He will do whatever is in your best interest but know that you might not get exactly what you want. He is still listening to you though. He has never let me down. Go church shopping, try an Episcopalian or United Church of Christ if you fear something too conservative, at least it will get you in the right direction of finding a greater power outside of yourself to lean on during difficult times like this. Forget all the junk, all you need to know is Romans 10:9-10. Get on your knees, ask Him to give you the strength, stamina and courage to get through this difficult time. Ask Him to save your stepdad, but understand that that might NOT be His will and be prepared to accept that and ask Him to help you get through all this whatever the end result.
and how fitting, the input format your site has asked me to type is "calvary home".
575. Kathleen said:
Thinking of you.
576. Danielle Batog said:
I don't know if you read your comments but I just wanted you to know that we are climbing the same mountain. My FIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two months ago and it has been a roller coaster ride - for him - and all of us as his family. From our side we are consulting two therapists - a marriage and family therapist and a family medical therapist - I just recently was prescribed Lexapro but have opted to discontinue taking it. I am thankful I have my faith. I hope you are able to find your own comfort for you and your family. It is a difficult road you are on...for we are traveling it also. Thanks for listening.
577. Jerri said:
I'm just throwing in my prayers for your stepfather.... I also wanted to let you know that I had a miscarriage in 1992 and to this day, everytime June 2nd rolls around, I mourn the baby I lost. You might "get over" it, but you never really forget.
578. shelley said:
so sorry to hear about all your troubles.
I had three miscarriages all in between the three kids I do have and I think that fluttery feeling is normal I still do that, but now it is because I know I won't ever have anymore.
I will pray for you & your step-father.
Take care
579. Kim said:
Hang in there Heather, I'm a recovering Catholic myself and I believe that it doesn't matter what religion you actually practice but that we all pray to the same god and just ask him for strength and peace and you may be surprised at what happens. I agree that we are all trying to figure it out and that's a part of having faith regardless of what you call yourself. A good friend of mine miscarried recently and I've had a glimpse of that pain and you just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. One day you'll find it doesn't hurt so much and you'll be able to decide whether you want to try again. Try and get some sleep and don't be afraid to ask for a little assistance, whether it be from god or your therapist for a little something to let you sleep...no shame in either
580. Stenar said:
I'm sorry to hear about your stepfather. I think you deserve all the happiness in the world and am sending good thoughts your way. Your blog has brought me lots of happiness with your humor, so I'm wishing for lots of happiness for you in return.
581. SuzieQ said:
Went back and reread about your miscarriages. Just a bit to help you out..my daughter had a miscarriage, tried forever it seemed to get pregnant again and was told by doctors that she just probably would not conceive. She and her husband just gave up and of course ended up pregnant after a time..She was horribly sick the WHOLE time, had to go to hospital for fluids several times but finally we all were graced with a beautiful baby girl...What joy!! Shortly thereafter she was still not completely back to feeling "normal" and checked back with the doctor...Another pregnancy...this time she was NEVER sick, felt great and 13 months after the first another healthy baby girl arrived, so don't be afraid or concerned when your next baby chooses it's own way of incubating. We all wish you the best.
582. emily n. said:
isn't it crazy that i am sitting on my bed, watching the new spring leaves sponge up the heavy rain and my heart aches for someone i have never met? take that, kathie lee gifford. she may not "get it," but most of us do. you have created a gift for yourself; your life's work is that of building connection in a fast, zoomy world. you are connected to a myriad of minds and hearts who care for you. since there is so much unknown, perhaps it is wise to rest your mind in the known. stay there for awhile. and breath. you have climbed many mountains and you were strong enough to get to the other side. if it means anything, i really believe in you.
emily from massachusetts.
583. Jacqueline said:
I've read your site for a long time, but I haven't commented before. I just wanted to let you know that there's another person out there (along with the zillions of others) who is thinking about you and your family and wishing you well. I hope you are able to find some peace and rest. Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
584. Velma said:
I hate when the shitty stuff piles up, and I'm sorry your family has had a steaming crap-load dumped recently.
585. Marcy- The Glamorous Life said:
We are strangers. And yet I feel all your pain. I hurt for you. I have been right where you are.....the dividing line in your life...the BEFORE he was diagnosed and then the AFTER. You will learn MUCH about yourself thru this journey. Say what you need to say. And feel what you need to feel.....and as for 'figuring it all out'....none of us have. Anyne who says they have are liars....take comfort in what you know. Love. Family. heck- even food will get you thru this.....
586. kat said:
oh heather. i have to say i watched the nightline piece and now seeing this, i'm just picturing you at that desk in front of the huge monitor crying a little as you write this.
you've had these two huge lows this week and i am only hoping that a high will be coming your way soon. sounds like you could use it.
587. jayfriesinvegas said:
Hang in there Doll. What is meant to be is meant to be and you will get through this!
588. megan said:
I've decided not to read any of the comments before me. I just hope that you will be able to one day read my comment, and it helps you a little...
Its a funny thing, cancer. Its one of those things that blind-sides you and suddenly, there is this thing and all that surrounds it, and you have no idea why or where or whence it came. My 8 year old nephew just finished 39 months of chemotherapy and poking and prodding with needles and spinal taps and blood counts... My cousin is in the 4th year of the fight of her life with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She has been hospitialized multiple times, and spent Thanksgiving to Christmas intubated.
And, like you, I'm still trying to figure out all the intangible stuff in this life. The spiritual aspect of it, whether or not I put my stock in fate and faith, and what Truth is.
But the one thing that I have learned is that while the illness is devastating to everyone (sometimes more to those of us who are having to sit idly by and watch), it does give all of us an opportunity to examine our lives, relationships, and what we hold dear. And no matter the outcome, we really cherish the time we all spend together, even if its wringing hands and crying. But we all begin to look forward to those good days! and relish them! and we learn to expect the bad days - and get through them. Hopefully with a little grace. That no matter how religous one is (or not), you do get through it. You find strength in yourself that you never knew existed.
The most important thing I learned? Its no one's fault that it happened. Its not punishment. And its not because of anything other than medical chance; predisposition or not.
I promise it gets easier to cope. And the best weapon you have in this fight? Your sense of humor. Trust me. Laugh every chance you get. There is no inappropriate humor.
589. Sara Jean said:
Heather, thank you for writing this. Your honesty in inspiring.
Hang in there.
590. kate said:
just returned to therapy yesterday for the first time in nine months...it felt great...i highly recommend it. thanks for sharing your joys and challenges with all of us out here in internet-land. it really helps getting through hard times when you know you are not alone. hang in there...it will get better.
591. winecat said:
Oh Heather, I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father and your continuing grief caused by the miscarriage.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Get yourself to the therapist. If there was ever a time you needed help up the hill, this is it. (been there, done that and more than once waited too long to do it)
592. E said:
Oh, I'm so sorry for all you're going through right now.
I hope... well, I just hope for the best.
593. plue said:
I completely understand the fear of rolling the dice. Right now, I'm in the process of infertility testing. Bleh. I do want children, but I also grew up with a developmentally disabled sister, so I know that even when you're blessed with a pregnancy, things may not turn out exactly as you had hoped.
I've come to terms with an "If it happens, it was meant to happen" attitude. I believe that my sister has a very rich life experience and no one in my life will ever love me as she does and I'm very lucky to have that in my life. I have a second cousin who has decided not to have children because of the possibility of an unperfect baby. That's her choice. I think nothing in life is certain, but sometimes even in the most trying moments there are opportunities for tremendous joy.
594. Sherri said:
Take a deep breath and take some much deserved Heather time. We (your audience) will be here for you!!!
595. mystang2 said:
Sometimes life just plain sucks. Who knows why? It's amazing that with so much pain and suffering in the world around us so many still choose to continue the journey. That makes me believe that there is something great ahead for us all. Climb that mountain Heather, climb! Don't look back, look forward. Great adventures await you. Please know that there are lots of us out here wishing you and your family well and good thoughts are coming your way.
596. Windy said:
Sending good thoughts and wishes for a good night's sleep your way.
We're all thinking about you and hoping everything turns out well.
597. stepheather said:
Dear Heather,
You're in the midst of a really rough time, and I'm very sad to hear it. I don't have great words of wisdom that the other 600 commenters haven't had, but I do know from the experience of those around me that mourning your baby's due date is quite normal and that it will always be so. Not that you need me to say this, but if I were there, I would say, "Go ahead, grieve your baby and grieve your stepfather's illness."
I also hope that you'll be able to sleep.
Stephanie
598. Lani said:
Climb on.
It's your journey.
We'll miss you while you're gone.
599. Andie said:
I've just been introduced to your blog and I absolutely love reading all that you have to say. Can't believe I didn't check it out sooner.
Religion is so confining and restrictive. It puts God in a box. You find peace and understanding through a personal, non-religious, relationship with Him. He doesn't care about what church you go to, He justs wants to be friends with you.
I too suffered a miscarriage a few years ago, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
600. Palesa said:
Oh, my heart goes out to you. What a horrible time for you and your family... Sending you love and best wishes and hope you get through this awful time. My therapist has pulled me out of a hole many, many times - I hope yours helps you.
You take care now.