Her tombstone will read WAS SOLD TO BUTCHER
While visiting the Palm Desert last week with my friend Carol I picked up a fancy hat at a local shop to help defend my delicate butterfly skin from the ferocious rays of the sun. No I'm not kidding, my skin is made of some sort of super flimsy pancake batter, and I was out in the sun for less than an hour with SPF 70 lathered over my entire body and I still got sunburned. Where do I go from there? SPF Sweat Suit? SPF Remain Inside and Look Longingly Out My Window?
So I bought a hat to shade my face and neck as we walked along El Paseo and window shopped, and I consider that a sacrifice because I don't wear hats. Hats are for women who can pull off puffy sleeves and lacy collars, and I wish I was one of those women but let's be honest. I buy clothes based on how well they match my sports bra. And here I was walking around with this swoopy straw hat jutting four feet off my head feeling VERY. CONSPICUOUS. and every time we passed someone on the street I wanted to stop them and say I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING BUT YOU'RE WRONG. And then lift up my shirt to show them my skin cancer scars and go THESE. THESE MADE ME DO IT.
But then we stopped at a bar and had three margaritas, because we were on vacation and would not be required to make decisions affecting the well being of certain small humans back home, and what do you know? A little tequila can make you reconsider your entire wardrobe. Why didn't I wear more hats? Hats are awesome! And it's kind of hot in here, why are we still wearing shirts? ALSO! WHO WANTS TO DANCE? Here, if I jump off this counter will you catch me?
A few hours later after the tequila had worn off I was still convinced that this hat was the best thing that ever happened to fashion, and days later when I was packing all my things for the plane ride home I decided that it was too precious to fold up and shove into the bottom of my suitcase. Instead, I thought, I'll go through the trouble of carrying it home, and for the next five hours I juggled it, four large magazines and a camera bag that weighed 180 pounds. It was an awkward plane ride made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the aircraft was so small that the only place to put the hat was on my head. And the brim kept knocking into the ear of the strange but patient man who sat to my left. My God, that man showed such restraint, and I would not have pressed charges if he had decided to take out a pencil and stab me in the thigh.
The welcome I received at the airport was incredible, but only because I had promised Leta that I would be bringing her presents. And when she saw me she ran up, wrapped her arms around my neck and the first thing she said was DID YOU GOT STUFF? The second thing was WHAT'S ON YOUR HEAD? And I was all Leta, I might look ridiculous now, but wait until you've had a couple martinis and it will totally make sense.
The following morning I lounged in bed a little longer than normal, happy to be back with my super cuddly husband and daughter who was occupied with the STUFF! I'd brought back from Palm Springs. I guess we were feeling cocky, because we normally have Coco on leash at all times so that we can keep track of her and curb her shenanigans, but we let her roam around that morning as we stole a few more minutes of sleep. That's a famous last word there: BUT. BUT WHAT? THERE ARE NO BUTS WHEN YOU LIVE WITH A PUPPY. You might as well just follow that word with THEN EVERYONE DIED or A HAMMER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND HIT ME IN THE FACE.
In this particular instance that BUT was followed by this:
And two consecutive days of a dog trying to pass straw out of her ass.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. lucy said:
and that is why I will never adopt a puppy :o)
the 2 year old sheepdog we just got is all housebroken and stuff.
2. Beth said:
And after all that trouble! The hat looked nice, sorry for the loss.
3. Clairebell said:
I feel your pain keenly. I have a boxer who, for I think just the sheer challenge of it all, like to pull things like, say, a plastic pants hanger with the pinchy thingies on the end, through the bars of his crate, pulverize and consume it while I sleep.
And the hook part of that hanger? I have yet to find. But he hasn't eaten anything valuable unless you count the crotches of all those pairs of underwear.
4. Amanda said:
holy crap, that's funny.
5. Blaine said:
And it was such a nice hat, too!
Maybe she was sent to you to test your patience...
Good luck with that! :)
6. Lyz said:
I think my husband did the same thing to a couple of my big floppy straw hats. And he yelled, "I didn't marry no prairie woman!" between huge bites of straw. Jokes on him. I bought more!
That hat had a brief but glorious life. It will be remembered well. Welcome back from vacation.
7. Jade said:
Now that's funny! You couldn't have scripted a better story if you tried. Nice!
8. Rio said:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was for the best. :o) hope the doggy is now okay.
9. Shala said:
Oh this is all too familiar! That was a great hat and it looked great on you. Maybe Coco was mad at the attention that the hat got??
10. Aime in Ohio said:
THE HAT!!! NOT THE HAT!!
What will your delicate butterfly skin do to that cute ferocious pup?
11. Beth said:
Aw, that hat looked sexy on you; you need another!
12. delia said:
Coco- the newest member of the Salt Lake City K9 fashion police squad.
13. Wendy said:
Dear 7 Pound Baby Jebus:
Thank you that you talked me out of adopting a puppy.
Love, Me
P.S. Please help Coco to poop out that big ol' hat. Thanks!
14. J. said:
Oh no!! You looked really good in the hat! With the big sunglasses and your profile, you look like a celeb sneaking out of rehab, trying to go incognito. Anyway, can't blame a puppy for being a puppy, and where in SLC would you sport your glamorous Palm Springs head gear?
15. Amy said:
Best story ever. For what it's worth, you should try hats more often--you pulled it off well.
16. RubiaLala said:
You did look fabulous, though. Although, I must preface (except now it's not a preface because I'm saying afterwards), that statement with the fact that I am still hungover from drinking last night, so perhaps you shouldn't trust my judgement.
17. Jen said:
God give me strength, we're getting our 2nd puppy in 6 months next week. The first one already tore up our couch, shattered the hummingbird feeder, shredded the crown molding along the staircase, stained the carpet.........
I repeat, God give me strength.
RIP pretty straw hat.
18. Emily said:
We babysat a beagle puppy one weekend and in the morning I woke up and found an old teddy bear without a ribbon around its neck anymore and thought, well, I guess Rufus tore that up. Except then I took him out for a walk, and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, I watched as the entire red ribbon emerged from his butt, one inch at a time.
19. Polly said:
perfect set up - perfect delivery. that's story telling at its finest right there!
20. Emily said:
That. Was. AWESOME! Did Coco look up with that classic dog look of, What? Is this not allowed?
21. kelli said:
shave the pup and have your knittin' friend make you a new hat!!!
22. Callie said:
Look at it this way: Coco will not have to worry about getting enough fiber in her diet for the next year.
Has she gotten into the trash and eaten used sanitary napkins yet? My Weimaraners LOVE to do that.
23. Erin said:
Clearly I am not too swift on the uptake...I was looking at that picture going, "What is that? Tissues? Paper? Hmmmm..." Too funny!
24. deb said:
I can totally relate; Our dog ruined 2 cell phones, a digital camera...not to mention several pairs of shoes, clothing etc. Some would say that she is punishing you for leaving!! My dog did this when I was away and it was only my stuff that got ruined! and since your scent was on that hat...
But, It was a great hat!!! ;(
25. Knaphrodesiac said:
I have a pair of Gucci flip flops that experienced the same fate as your lovely hat. My condolences.
26. Esther said:
Just wanted to say you looked great in that hat. I wish I could pull hats off like you do. My beagle loves to eat my kid's legos. At least then I don't have to pick them up! (By the way, my beagle is chubby like Bo is!)
27. Anonymous said:
I have been here so many times. I have lazy grown retired greyhounds, and my cowboy boots ended up looking like your hat.
28. Christina said:
How can a dog find the one thing you love? Out of all the things to chew on, and there is lots of stuff, the one thing that you cherish? Our dog managed to chew on the new pillows in the living room. Now these pillows brought the entire room together, they were the hinge of the room. I didn't cry when he chewed my brand new rug, or on the old couch or the new couch, but when I came home one day and saw the stuffing of those pillows everywhere, I though that the front of my brain exploded and my eyeballs popped out.
I so feel for you. Oh, and they always make sure it's something that you can't run out and replace with the same thing. Crafty dogs.
29. Calee said:
Thank you for that last line and the cranberry juice I just choked on.
30. anjeee said:
omg!!! not your hat!!!
31. Lauren said:
That was the repayment for nailing the guy next to you in the plane with the brim of your hat. *wink*
32. Heather M. said:
The hat was lovely and you looked wonderful wearing it. You should buy another and make a pitcher of margaritas to celebrate.
33. anise said:
yikes. bad dog. hope she doesn't get into your shoes.
34. laurie said:
This human visitor is sorry but amused by your K-9 loss.
35. rebecca said:
Dude, it's so sad, but that is exactly how I wanted that story to end. The hat was so cute, I guess you'll just have to make another trip to Palm Springs to get a replacement.
36. Starshine said:
Oh no! I understand about what you mean with hats.
I am a red-head with very sensitive skin. I can't even keep count of how many moles I've had removed. I have a canvas sun hat that is seriously dorky looking. Yours was much cuter, may it rest in peace.
I'm sure one of your ten kazillion readers has mentioned this before, but you can buy wonderful sun protective clothing and HATS here:
www.solumbra.com
Good for you for embracing the HAT! and protecting your skin. Let's bring hats back into vogue together!
37. hello haha narf said:
damn, that was an awesome hat on you. margaritas or martinis ALWAYS result in me owning another wide brimmed hat. glad to know i am not alone!
that dogs is lucky to be alive. then again, so are mine.
38. JessicaP said:
our now 9 year old german shepard ate our sofa cushions when she was about 6 months old and my now husband thought it was "mean" to leave her int eh crate "all day long" (like 3 hours.). It was the first and last thing she ever ate. Shitting out sofa filler for a week straight seems to have cured her from ever feeling the need to eat somethign other than her food, or the neighbors cat, ever again. I heop Coco learns the same lesson from your hat.
39. Jeanette said:
As I read, and scrolled down, I kept saying "oh no" louder and louder until I finally came upon the destruction! You are such a fantastic story-teller! What a great entry, though I'm not sure you are as psyched on the story as I am...being the hat widow and all. Here's hoping Utah has similar awesomeness to buy at your local mall.
40. Baby Lawyer said:
Are you kidding? If I looked that fab in a hat, I'd wear one all the time! But poor Coco - ouch!
41. Laura Thompson said:
When my lab puppy decided my new leather boots looked tastier than the puppy food we gave her, she didn't actually eat anything but the laces -- which eventually had to come out. Not pretty.
Just like my boots, however, your hat is (was) AWESOME.
42. James | Double Danger said:
Our dogs tend to destroy anything that brings us joy also... but we love them anyhow.
43. Kathryn said:
so went the way of my Steve Maddens, an uber-trendy beach grass straw bag, the monks' dog training book, a $50 bill, etc.
good thing she's cute, eh?
44. Cassie said:
I also had a dog destroy a beloved hat. Mine was the color of cookie monster and just as fuzzy. I bought it in Big Sur and it survived a week of extreme hiking, rain/snow/sleet....yet it could not withstand a black lab.
45. shaunacon said:
Why does Coco seem to be infatuated with eating her bedding? Didn't Jon post some photos a few weeks ago of a similar incident?
46. uÇÊžoʇ said:
Oh, crap! I totally forgot to warn you about puppies and HATS!
Those puppies will totally try to eat your favorite I-only-wear-to-parties-that-I-know-I-don't-have-to-drive-home-from-hat-that-your grampa-gave-you; or the sun block hat you got while on vacation.
Same difference. Sorry.
47. Elizabeth said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your hat! I'm a hat wearer myself, by necessity. (I have trouble finding foundation light enough to match my skin tone.) I would probably kill anyone who destroyed one of my beloved hats, so I admire your restraint. If you ever come to Boston, there is a shop on Newberry Street called Toppers. Go there and get another hat. If you invite me along I will help you pick out one you will love without the aid of ethanol.
48. Ben said:
Ah, Costco dog beds. Can't beat 'em.
49. shaunacon said:
Scratch that last comment. For some reason even with the explanation of the hat I thought it was her bed. Why must puppies eat everything chewable?
50. jessica said:
Having lived with a puppy, i can relate.
And also, I think that hat looked quite elegant on you, especially with the big sunglasses!
51. the mighty jimbo said:
fiber.
keep her regular.
hopefully not on your carpet.
for the record, while camping/climbing this weekend in bishop, my own delicate pooch decided to do a little digging next to the crag.
into a nice, fresh pile of human poop.
me, i'd rather have straw.
52. Jan said:
Sad to say, this is exactly why my house doesn't have any throw rugs (aka doggie shredding fun) that cost more than $20. No $500 Oriental rugs for me, oh no!
53. Shannon said:
Haha, oh my gosh. I won't even tell you how many thousands (yes thousands) of dollars worth of stuff my lab chewed up when she was a puppy (read the first TWO AND A HALF YEARS of her life). Love that hat though. I can't pull off hats, but you definitely can, despite your opinion to the contrary.
54. Petunia Face said:
Oh dear. I quite liked the hat especially after realizing it was either the hat or big gouges of your skin would be taken off after your white blood cells mutated and multiplied.
Poor Coco. Now you will simply have to wear her on your head. Just make sure the ass goes in the back. Everyone knows that.
55. val cox said:
oh my, thank you for the laugh and the great story telling, once again!
56. rbiggs said:
Your puppy may be a royal pain in the butt, but she is very cute! I have a dog who still, at the ripe old age of 3, eats many non-food items. Although my personal favorite was pulling a legal sized envelope complete with a "window" out of her poopy, puppy butt! Envelope still in tact, but not re-usable.
57. the Farmers Wife said:
Well at least you know how the dog feels about your fashion choices!
- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife
58. Emily said:
Hahahahahahaha!!! That's too funny. You did look good in the hat though.
Ahhh.....my good friend tequila. I miss you.
Emily
59. Heather's Garden said:
If they would only target fashion disasters, but it's equally likely that they'll destroy your favorite-most-perfect-pair of shoes that never gave you blisters that are no longer available anywhere!
60. Yankee Amanda said:
Awww, she was ticked because her mama left her at home and came back looking like a '70s mannequin!
61. Stacy said:
http://flickr.com/photos/sjubla/sets/72157604138457345/
Moose is now 5 months old, 75 pounds, and driving me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. For awhile there he had the "no peeing in the house" concept totally down. This week? NOT SO MUCH, THANKS.
How is it possible to be simultaneously so cute and so aggravating??
Stacy
PS - Loved the hat. I would have been pissed :)
62. Brandy said:
I feel your pain! Whenever talk of getting another dog comes up I go through the list of things our 9 year old dog has ate, including but not limited to..
One pound of butter
One bag of glitter
2 rare books both borrowed from friends
A feather pillow
Many dead things
A box of sugar cubes
A box of donuts
Copious amounts of cat poop.
A frozen bag of french fries
25 Kinder eggs.
I liked the hat by the way and I'm not even that drunk!
63. Christi said:
Has anyone ever told you that you look like Nancy Grace? I think it's your nostrils or maybe your eyebrows or something. Definitely the hair though.
64. Kelly B said:
When my first dog was a puppy she ate my ipod. For some reason AppleCare didn't cover that sort of damage.
She still has a fondness for my bras. I want to buy some nice expensive bras that will actually hold me up, but I don't want $60 to go the way of her razor teeth.
65. misstraceynolan said:
Dude, you can wear the shit out of that hat.
66. Marie said:
Could you not make your blogs so laugh out loud funny. My boss is going to realize one of these days that I get my work done in 2 hours and then piss around for the other 6 haha. Thanks for the laugh. :)
67. freeformkatia said:
how devastating. I understand about hats -- I love to wear them but feel very self-conscious about it. Then I plug in to my iPod and groove my way home... and forget all about the hat, because now people are staring at me because I'm singing at the top of my lungs. The hat is the least of my worries.
Hope you can find a replacement.
68. Angela said:
WHEW. Thanks for reminding me just insanely lucky I got with my puppy who really showed no interest in chewing things what were not specifically made to be chewed or going potty when it wasn't potty time. I will read this when I get another But I Want Another Puppy urge. Well. Who am I kidding. I still want another puppy. I want to adopt all the puppies in the world, even the really old ones and they can chew whatever they want.
69. Kim said:
My greyhound got into a paint tray with just enough paint left in it to get on his nose, legs and feet, which was then tracked onto the kitchen floor, the kitchen rugs, my couch and the new doggie bed I just bought him. He is lucky to be alive.
70. Annemarie said:
I feel like an absolute idiot in a hat, but you look lovely.
Puppies are so not fun sometimes.
71. Emily said:
Sweet Lord, that is hilarious.
72. Shannon said:
I actually looked at the picture of you in the hat and thought "Wow, she looks good in that hat. I should try a hat sometime, as I am half a sunburn away from starting my own little collection of skin cancer." I have had similar feelings about hats as what you described. But you give me hope!
73. Mariah said:
coco ate the hat? the whole hat? i know your seat mate had to have felt the world slow down just a little as coco chomped away on the reason he won't fly from ps to slc again.
74. Benschomatic said:
I wore a cheap straw cowboy hat home to Chicago from California (during a rather frigid March.) Yes, my head got cold on the way home from the airport. I did propose to my wife while wearing that hat, so I guess it was a worthy souvenir to hold on to. I have since lost it.
I have not lost much to Floyd, our resident destroyer (8 month old fox terrier/Italian greyhound mix - yes, he's as terrifying and cute as that mix would indicate.) I keep my treasured items well out of his reach. My wife on the other hand has lost a NUMBER of things to this 15-pound monster. Now in a 21-day doggy "bootcamp", I have a feeling our trainer may not be able to come up with a command that keeps Floyd from eating the crotch portions from my wife's maternity undies or chewing the zippers (and just the zippers) from all of her clothing items.
75. sally said:
That is just too funny. Dogs. Ours puked in two different spots this morning - he just had to lick his paws.
76. Barb said:
I worked as a dog-walker for awhile. My little doggie friend ate a sock. I didn't see it going in, but....
The hat was fab. Hope you can replace it.
77. Shell Smith said:
It took me a few seconds to realize that was your straw hat.
I ate a straw hat once myself. I was extremely hungry, and I regretted it immediately.
:) Geez Heather that stinks but you're a saint for not eating coco for dinner. Sorry that you felt liberty to sleep in - please don't let this taint your morning freedom!
78. Kim Langston said:
Don't you just love puppies!?!?!?!? Of course you are much more diligent with your puppy and poop training than I am with mine. While Coco may prefer your wonderful hat. My Pearl tends to favor Rolaids gum, well all gum basically, and Gorilla Glue. Nice.
79. Ciara said:
Coco is required to make at least 1 sacrifice to the Puppy Gods every month. Boy is she thankful you brought her that hat all the way from sunny CA because it was either the hat or John's clogs- and we all know how disappointed you would be to see those coming out the other end.
NOT!
80. Kritter Krit said:
Man, puppies. They're so stinking cute when they're little, but holy heck, they do things that make you wish you could fast-forward a couple of years.
Definitely get another hat. It was a rockin' look for you.
81. deb said:
oh god yeah. Having to throw away endless pairs of underwear that no longer had a crotch... Items in your laundry basket will be next! not to mention bathroom trash at a certain time of the month. gross. Especially if you bring company home and thats the first thing you see all over the floor!
82. heidi said:
nuthin' wrong with a little fiber ;-)
Seriously though, i hope it all came out ok!
83. Jeff said:
HA! Oh, that's rich! I remember when our American Eskimo ate carpet. I was pulling loops of carpet out of his ass for days.
I needed a good laugh today.
84. Andrea said:
My, my... that bed looks EXACTLY like THOR's bed. Not to mention our own. Reminds me of the time(s) our sweet little puppy brought it upon himself to eat holes clean through our comforter. This resulted in rouge down feathers floating about the house for a week and sticking to our walls, and being woken up in the middle of the night by the dog vomiting up white fluffballs all over the carpet, adding a whole new dimension of confusion to our 3:24 a.m. stupor.
And, like Coco, for two days afterward the mystery meat coming out the other end resembled a deranged, molting laying hen from one of those industrial farms they show you on PETA to convince you to become a vegetarian.
I am now a vegetarian.
85. Heather said:
Anyone with bone structure as fantastic as yours should wear hats whenever possible.
Also, have you heard what the crazies are saying about Vitamin D? We're supposed to get 15 minutes of sun every day WITHOUT SUNSCREEN. When is the last time you got 15 minutes of sun without sunscreen and didn't immediately burn into flames? I say, screw Vitamin D. I don't like blisters.
86. sravana said:
Awwww.
I'm so sorry about your hat. :makes pouty face:
As someone who has lost bras to her dog (who was a year and a half, well past puppyhood, I hate to tell you), I feel your pain.
I loved those bras, only to find that they didn't make that style any more. :o
HOWEVER - I'm sure that Coco had a WHALE of a time. I know that Ms. B does when she's being bad... ;)
87. Amyd said:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
88. Shannon said:
Oh my god. That's totally poetic.
89. Amy said:
Oh sad times! I have a poop book that talks about "straw poopie." (AKA The Chinese Star, The Dorito, The Glass Shard, you get the idea) You know, the kind that seems to come out and poke you like straw does when you sit on a haybale. Hopefully, Coco will learn her lesson through the suffering of passing "straw poopie."
90. darr said:
No one can say it like you Heather! Good luck with future hats and maybe an old shoe for the puppy.
91. Ely said:
I had this awesome hat i wore everyday for about 3 years. Not kidding. It was brown when i got it and then eventually faded to tan from all the sun. This hat was loved by me(especially) as well as my family and my current girlfriend at the time.
So this one time that particular girl and i were snuggling on the couch, watching a movie, and i didn't notice that my dog went quiet all of a sudden.
Story ends that i looked up to see what happened and found that the only thing that was left of my hat was a small piece of the brim.
RIP straw hat...and my hat...and any hats to come!
92. Scargosun said:
I was reading this and thinking to myself how silly you were for not thinking you were a hat person because you looked great in it.
I really think this beats my g-dog chewing up the remote.
RIP
Heather's Hat. :(
93. Sara said:
Love the story. You looked fabulous in the hat. You should buy a new one, but store it up high!
94. Jim Brodhead said:
Wow, so what you are saying is that Coco eating that hat is likely to be kind of like us eating corn.
You looked good in the hat, like Mata-effing-Hari trying to steal war secrets.
The best SPF to use is made by Sherwin-Williams and come in a whole spectrum of lovely colors. A Wagner Power Sprayer works well with the latex but a brush is probably better if you go with the oil base.
95. Heather said:
My friend's dog did the same thing with her Crocs. I thought Crocs were indestructible. Guess not. Speaking of Crocs...I saw an ad in Rolling Stone...Two words: Crocs Heels.
http://shop.crocs.com/pc-1174-4-cyprus.aspx?reqid=1174&reqProdTypeId=41p...
96. kate said:
I love my cats.
The hat was fab, though. You can totally rock it like Joan Collins in a turban, girl!
97. Jenna said:
oh goodness, how hilarious is that?! BUT what a bummer too because i thought you looked smashing in that hat! lol.
98. sara said:
HER ATE YOUR HAT!
99. Robin G. said:
That was... tragically predictable.
I recommend forcefeeding the dog some castor oil. It's also very effective on cats who eat an entire package of Christmas tree tinsel. Because what everyone needs during their holiday season is a Persian walking around with eight inches of sparkly ribbon trailing from her butt.
100. chere said:
ohhhhhhh sooooooo sad.
you looked so pretty.
puppies seem to know what we love most.
mine?.....
favorite cowboy boots
favorite hat
new leather bag
drip system
nothing my husband owns
101. Anonymous said:
I loved that hat.
102. Kat Maile said:
my mouth literally dropped open at the site of that picture. sad, sad day.
103. Heather Outside Boston said:
Oh, I hope this is legible, 'cause I'm still laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes. I was so thrilled that you were embracing the hat -- it looked fabulous on you, and you're welcome to join my no-frilly-sleeves-but-rock-the-hats club, then the whole thing went so squirrly and sideways. I just can't stop snickering, and my boss thinks I'm working on her presentation. Good thing Coco is cute and you can laugh at her (and you know the hat tasted like Mom's sweat -- terrific). Thank you so much for sharing.
104. Andria and Co. said:
omg...that was hilarious, heather!
105. Melissa said:
You look great in that hat! And I think I'll steal the idea the next time I travel somewhere warm...
To bad you didn't manage to get a pic of Chuck in the hat before it's untimely demise...
106. Sandy W. said:
Say it ain't so...
Shirts are so overrated after three margaritas!
107. Leesavee said:
You'd think she'd at least have enough fashion sense to chew up Jon's clogs instead of your hat!
Damn, that was a good-looking hat, too. Bad girl, Coco! She is so freakin' cute, though. They're little chewing machines when they're puppies...my dachshund ate so many bits and pieces of everything that his poop looked like it had confetti all through it. Festive, yet infuriating.
108. Anonymous said:
Hey, keep your cute Angela Adams bag AWAY from the dog. I covet that bag.
109. Samantha said:
Last time there was a dog "but" at our house The Baron (our basset hound) ate a battery.
And lived to tell the tale.
110. Jenn said:
wow, that hat was completely destroyed.
at least you have one great picture of yourself in it!
111. Erin The Great said:
Think of it this way... Things are always appreciated more when they reach their demise at the top of their game. That hat will infamously live on. It won't end up in a DI pile years down the road. It'll always be remembered by you and the man you continiously poked on the plane.
112. Stacey said:
LMFAO, I second the underwear, pillows, carpet, garbage, bathroom garbage, comforter, and legos. They all got eaten at my house too. I come home to a mess everyday!! and if someone leaves a door open to the bathrooms or bedrooms, they have to clean the mess.
Sorry to read about the hat, it looked great!
We also lose a great number of lincoln logs.
113. Jennifer said:
I have the same kind of skin that you do. If I'm out in the sun for more than 20 minutes my skin turns bright red. That's my cue to find shade and sit there like a freak while all the other normal people go about frolicking in the sun without a care in the world. So yes, I am also a wearer of floppy hats. I think that one looked really good on you.
As for the dog...my brother's dog eats everything. He once at one of my brother's gym socks and it took a few days for that to pass. My patient sister-in-law took the dog outside and helped it along. My brother just kept wishing the dog would die already. Needless to say...that was just the first in a long line of mishaps with that dog...
114. Anonymous said:
Oh no. FWIW, I think that hat looked fabulous on you. I suppose it was Coco's way of telling you to go away for a nice trip with a friend and buy another fabulous hat.
And be happy you don't have that great Dane I used to know, who ate his owner's expensive wristwatch in protest for not being allowed to kill visitors.
115. DeNacho said:
yeah, i too was crazy enough to trust one of my boxers for just a few minutes. i lost a good camera lens to that trust.
Boxers: We accomplish more in 20 minutes than most teenagers do in an entire day!
http://dailyboxer.blogspot.com/2007/10/photography-101.html
116. Angela said:
isn't it amazing how that ALWAYS happens to the best pieces!!!
i cry every time i find a pair of heels in my dogs crate... you think i would learn.
117. Tootsie Farklepants said:
At first I thought those were feathers and I was all "OMG! Coco ate a live chicken!" but then I realized that it's your beautiful incognito hat. And I am horrified.
118. Michelle said:
And just when you'd considered remodeling your wardrobe, you're suddenly reminded that anything new will only end up a chew toy.
119. Emily said:
Oh dear. At least she passed it! My dog has eaten two used condoms in his 4-year lifetime, and pooped both out whole, no problem. So we know who'll we be using when we need to smuggle the drugs. He's our own little "Maria Full Of Grace."
120. Sam said:
Seriously? I dig the hat...hard :)
121. chanda said:
That last line made me snork coke out of my nose. Thanks!
You looked fabulous in the hat, I think you should bring big brimmy hats to Utah as only a southern girl can. The larger the better.
122. TheSpectrum said:
Awww man! I think the hat looked snazzy on you as well!
123. Alexa Burcroff said:
Please tell me you've read some Jon Katz books. Among his dogs are border collies, some rather frenetic (perhaps like Coco). http://www.bedlamfarm.com/
124. Janet said:
And it is so finely shredded. I would half expect that all those little pieces would have been lapped up!
125. Bannod said:
I'm sure everyone in Palm Desert was wondering what star was trying to hide her identity with shades and a hat.
I thought you looked great.
126. Jakki said:
I think the hat is MARRRRRRRRVELOUS darhling...
Now that's a fine welcome back...I know when I let my 'puppy' free to roam, he eats EVERYTHING...evvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrrything. Just this weekend I had to replace the lent pipe thingy from my dryer vent because he ATE the dang thing...when he eats food off the counters..I understand but an aluminum thingy??? Whats the flavor in that?
127. Therese said:
That was a great hat.
May it rest in piece.
128. Anonymous said:
Years ago, when my roommate's mother was visiting for a weekend, my lucky thong undies went missing. Turns out the new puppy we had adopted ate them and pooped them up--undigested-- in a perfect circle on top of my roommate's mother's suitcase. I always tell everyone that I washed them and wore them again but it isn't true. I just like saying that.
129. Smyra said:
I don't often read a blog entry and think, "that was very well crafted," but just now I did. Maybe it's just the nature of the story, but I still laughed out loud. A lot. I'm at work, people stared. Thanks for being awesome. =)
130. Sara said:
I think the hat looked kind of awesome. May it rest in peace. (I really wanted to make a pieces/peace joke there, but see? See my restraint? Behold the power of the hat.)
131. Sandra said:
Ahhh... dogs!! They are sooooo cute but sometimes u just wanna ....... (fill in blank with desired action)....!!
A little like kids - just they don't respond as well to time-outs & shouting - hehhehehhee ;)
PS: the hat looked great on you - go get another!
132. Jessica said:
Oh, that sucks! You looked like a movie star in that hat. Time for more margaritas. :)
133. Lisa said:
I think I love you.
134. Anne said:
Her tombstone may well read WAS SOLD TO BUTCHER, but can she be sold as organic free-range if she is kept on a leash? Clearly she will make inferior puppy broth.
135. Undercover Mutha said:
Surely it can be salvaged. A little dental floss, two years of weaving, and good as new.
136. SarahThe said:
After college I lived with a roommate who had a Boston Terrier puppy. I brought home the holy grail of breakfast burritos once, set it on the coffee table, and stepped out of the room for some hot sauce. Upon returning to the living room, I found that the dog had pulled the burrito out of the bag, and unwrapped all the foil, and eaten my breakfast burrito whole.
I was totally depressed, cause wasted bacon! But I couldn't help but be impressed with her accuracy.
137. SuzieQ said:
Reminds me of the time I shopped for days and days and finally found the PERFECT pair of sandals..only 2 pair in my size and to be smart I of course bought both pair...No, my bouvier did not chew up those beautiful sandals...ONLY THE LEFT ONE OF EACH PAIR!!! Would have been great for anyone in a one legged shit kicking contest though! By the way, you have the most beautiful hands..
138. nikkip said:
you look SO A-list celebrity in that photo--you're even shielding yourself from the photographer!
it seems you'll need to go hat shopping this weekend.
139. Ben said:
Oh puppies...trust me, it's no better when you have a small dog except for the added pressure of having enough self-restraint to keep from squashing it like a cute, fuzzy bug.
http://bensprblog.blogspot.com/2008/04/coping-with-teenager.html
140. Lstew said:
that was a very great "i should be finishing my taxes, but instead i'm dicking around on the net" break. thank you.
141. wickedopinion said:
I...FUCKING...LOVE....YOU!
(Um, not in a creepy, room full of your pictures, it puts the lotion in the basket kinda way. Just to be clear.)
Thanks for always making my day!
142. Nikki said:
Ah,the vacation hat...it works so well at the beach or while window shopping in a known tourist locale. And it did suit you well. But it's possible Coco did you a favor. I once wore my "vacation" hat to a hometown pub after returning from a trip, and I gotta be honest, it didn't go over so well. Maybe I need to get a dog.
143. Wine Dog said:
At least we now know that Coco is a real puppy. I do so miss the daily treasure hunt to identify what missing item my dog has just crapped out.
144. Laura M. said:
I love my cats.
145. Kristi of Portland said:
Awww, damn. Don't you hate it when your dog eats your new lifestyle? Love that picture of you in the hat, you look great. And tell me about that dress! I'd love a dress like that. Well, in August, when Portland finally gets warm, then I would love a dress like that.
146. k-m-s said:
L. O. L. How is it that you always make funny right when I need it most?!?
You should do a Happy Face edition of Exclamation Point just to show the haters how much more you are loved!
Thanks!
147. Seaglass said:
Easily one of your funnier posts in recent memory...sorry about the hat (it looked wonderful on you), but its loss was justified if it meant we got to enjoy this very droll account.
148. Jenni said:
Ah ... too bad about the hat.
Last night, I had to make my dog drink hydrogen peroxide (the vet told me to!!) so that he would vomit up the corn cob he had just swallowed WHOLE. He took it down in 2 seconds flat.
We were watching the Illusionist ... we thought it was a magic trick.
149. Milk Maid said:
You'll always have the memories...
(PS- At least Leta didn't eat the hat).
150. Mary said:
My dog eats Christmas lights. Seriously. Try and clean that poop up!
As to the 7000SPF sunscreen and still getting burnt, check out this site, which is designed for people who need extra UV protection.
www dot coolibar cot com
My cousin uses this all the time (she's a walking melanoma) and swears by it. Worth a shot, anyway!
151. Kay said:
Oh No! You looked so good in that hat too! Well you should get a new one and hide it from Coco.
152. wwcutie said:
Hats are for women who can pull off puffy sleeves and lacy collars
You appear to be wearing slightly puffed sleeves in the picture above. And I'm so glad you opened the comments, because I was tempted to send you an e-mail but was afraid it would end up in one of those Exclamation Point! posts.
Your fabulous. Your hat is fabulous. I hope you find a new one soon.
153. Undomestic Diva said:
Your hat? Very Palm Springs.
Straw coming out of one's ass? Also, very Palm Springs.
154. Jenn said:
Fell right on the floor laughing out loud...where my furry darlings began licking my face and made me get up.
Good stuff!
155. >^..^< in SLC said:
OMG, I just peed a little. That is so funny, Heather. My mother-in-law's black lab ate his entire chain-link leash, leather handle & all. He had to have surgery to have it removed. Shortly thereafter, he ate her bra. Some dogs are one stick shy of a fence post.
156. Peggy said:
When I saw the title of the entry I thought, What the hell did Coco do now? I was right, silly puppy!
157. Priya said:
ROTFLMAO!!!!
Ok..first I have to tell you how much I am enjoying reading your blog.... and second..thank you for introducing me to twitter.. you rock!
158. Angela said:
OH NO!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is hil-lair-rius.
159. Robin said:
Ooo, roughage! Our 16-week-old puppy must not have entered the height of his chewing phase yet. As long as he has a bone, he is pretty much content to chew on just that. I did catch him with my sandal a couple of days ago though. I shudder to think what he and our older dog (another Bo) would have done had we not crated them when they weren't supervised. I sure it would have involved the pooping of vast quantities of LEGO.
160. esmith said:
when my dog was a puppy he ate a basket and an entire box of christmas cards! a basket big enough to store magazines. wtf? exactly what was it about a basket that said "must eat"? it couldn't have smelled like anyone or even BACON! for that matter.
perhaps you should give coco a sweet potato!
161. Tek said:
and that's what she thinks about you daring to go away on vacation and getting a hat. That'll teach you.
162. Lyndsey said:
This reminds me of the time when I found my husbands chapstick in the dryer with 2 of my new favorite shirts. Totally annihilated. It could have grounds for divorce.
Ah, El Paseo! I bet you that the majority of the women who saw your hat ran immediately to Saks or Chicos to find one just like it.
And I am sorry you didn't see any Joshua Trees during your hike. There are about 50 on the property across the street from me.
163. Anonymous said:
WHat happened to the monthly newsletter?! I was promised a monthly newsletter!!
164. Rae said:
Oh Dooce, you're hilarious!
165. Nancy said:
I'm sure Chuck made her do it. He saw that wide brim, he knew it wasn't long before that thing was balanced up on top of his head. Oh, he knew.
166. Juls said:
TOO Funny! I have a large flat-coat puppy (12 months) and I have these moments too.
167. Jules said:
Thank you for making me laugh so hard, pop came out of my nose.
Jules
168. northerngurl said:
May I just say, I thought you looked like a superstar in that hat! It's like...paparazzi should be chasing you!
169. Lori Magno said:
CoCoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
170. daisy said:
The hat looked totally hot, Dooce. You should get yourself another (I just bought a black one at Target that looked very similar - here is a tan version): http://www.target.com/Floppy-Hat-Tan-Natural/dp/B0013FQ96U/sr=1-2/qid=12...
They are less floppy and more angled down like the one you were wearing than they seem in that picture.
Good luck!
171. Jen said:
I was happily reading along until I got to the last picture, and I believe my reaction was:
1) *gasp*
2) Sad.
172. Barbara said:
Oh no your lovely hat!
Dogs do this all the time. Children do it too. You can't have anything nice when you have pets or kids. I have both and I know.
The hat really did suit you (esp with those big sunglasses) and I've only had half a glass of red wine.
173. karen said:
Voted best hat related story of the summer.
174. Kyle said:
I feel your pain. My puppy chewed up my cell phone, shoes, tv remote, baseball cap...
175. Jess said:
CRINGE! The hat was cute, made you look like an undercover celebrity.
P.S. I love your site so much I almost wish you'd put a link on here that you get money for clicks. (Kind of like tipping?) I'd click it 30 times a day minimum.
176. Philip Robert said:
You can totally pull off big floppy hats. That is just so obvious in the picture that you posted. Now we need to see you in a beautiful french felt hat with a four foot brim and a swanky italian evening gown with heels...
How did Chuck defend himself? Doesn't he know its his job to keep Coco in line? Oh yeah, Chuch can just barely tolerate having Coco in the same room.
Too bad about your hat, you looked great wearing it.
177. Wendy said:
That is exactly the reason that we don't have any dogs. I am so not patient enough for that.
And, yes, you were able to pull of the hat. I just started reading your blog last week and when I saw this picture on Flickr, I thought, wow, she is so much classier than me, which really isn't saying much.
Anyway, at least the dog was uncomfortable trying to pass all of that.
178. Pamela said:
While I'm sorry for the loss of the hat, that was the perfect ending to the hat story.
Not "perfect" as in, "I'm glad the hat got torn up," but more like, "this is EXACTLY how lifes goes."
179. JSauce said:
Love it! The same thing happened to me...I'm not a shoe person, but I found these fabulous high heeled Steve Maddens that I fell in love with, wore once, and thought I was Queen of the World...there was, perhaps, vodka involved. About two days later, I came home to find some suspicious pieces of leather trailing up to my bedroom door that the hub left open because the dogs "looked so comfortable sleeping in bed."
Then my head exploded, and that was about that.
180. Jennifer said:
Dammit! I had just finished my martini and was adoring the hat. Now tell me what I am supposed to do. All liquored up with no hat to adore.
181. loveMaegan said:
OH NO, your hat! damnit I woulda been soooo pisssed.
182. KFJ said:
Do I detect a little Julia Roberts with that hat????? Great post!!!
183. molly said:
Aww! So sad, and yet a lesson has been learned, hasn't it? Vanity is a wicked beast that can only be destroyed by a smaller, wickeder beast with a goofy head tilt. Too cute.
Also, I have not been out in the sun for more than twenty minutes for the past two years because I sustained so many sunburns that I just got SICK OF IT. Now I am a ghost. I could blend into your perfectly white walls and you wouldn't have a clue. That's a promise.
184. lucyfishwife said:
I have that exact same hat for the exact same reasons (ie I could char like a Cajun salmon fillet just looking at a photo of a lightbulb). Love the puppy. Get a cat instead.
185. Denise said:
Hopefully you didn't pay too much for the hat. If it was like $150.00, that would make this story extra-sucky.
186. Linda said:
And you're all walking around now going, "Coco, that was the last straw!"
Gong!
187. Shelly said:
Aww.. Poor Hat! My mom has a collie.. this dog usally picks things up to bring to her, nice things like used Q-Tips and Candy wrappers.. He is usally in his crate when they are gone.. he got out one day.. and he ate nothing but my mom's Vinal Calender things she was making and took the lid off the big jar of Animal Crackers and helped himself.. I still want to know how he twisted off that cap!
P.S. Cant wait for another Leta Newsletter!
188. Tori said:
I guess Coco liked the hat.
Either that or she really hated it.
189. monkeyaker said:
Imagine sitting on your deck on a warm sunny spring day, sipping a fresh margarita and playing ball with your dog. Imagine the dog goes into the brush and hunches over to do her "business". Imagine her squirm and flinch as a condom comes bursting forth in a blaze of diarrhea.
Now try to finish your drink.
This is one of the milder pranks my dog has played on me.
190. Tijem said:
It's no corndog stick...but she's young and will learn from Chuck...
191. Sarah said:
I seriously read this, got a really sad look on my face, and very pathetically said "....omg......her hat.....awwww" and all those pregnant pauses were in there, and I really did say "omg"
192. geminijen said:
How do they always know the things that are most precious?! Gah, I feel ya!
193. meredith said:
A hat? That's for amatures! The dog my parents had in high school used to eat my panties, then do the doo-doo dance around the front yard as my once beautiful Victoria's Secret panties slowly crept out of her ass.
194. Eighty Eight said:
Its far more interesting than when my now 8 month old dog, which also happens to be our 3rd dog, because I happen to be a complete pushover, ate my $350 Dolce & Gabbana glasses. They were hot. The dog knew that.
195. debbie said:
Best story EVER. Perfect puppy punchline.
Two Aussies at my house -- good thing I love them so because that's an Aussie -- especially a baby Aussie.
196. Kim said:
But that is the COOLEST hat EVER!
197. JessicaAPISS said:
A similar thing happened with a gorgeous umbrella my husband bought in Venice.
He lugged it home on a water taxi, two buses, two international flights and countless metal detectors, only to have it destroyed by my adorably clutzy female-version-of-Leslie-Nielson mother.
However, we obviously did not have to wait for the destroyed accessory to come out of my mom's ass.
198. Dave Vogt said:
Hontestly, I'm amazed by the number of women who totally fail to match their shirt to their bra. It's like "Umm, dear? Uh uh."
That particular hat reminds me very much of one my aunt wears in the summer, despite the fact that she tans perfectly in any amount of sunlight. Not sure why.
199. Trisha R. said:
I seriously needed a laugh today.
I almost snorted peanut butter out of my nose from laughing out loud.
Thanks! (:
200. Peter Hentges said:
My list of things the puppies have eaten in the last year and a half:
Two TiVo remotes.
Three cell phones
Two cordless phones
Two sheets
A pair of pants
Two pairs of shoes
Of course, I also use them as my junk-mail shredder, so maybe it's my fault.
201. Nic said:
I apologize if someone has said this already, I haven't had time to read all the comments.
But, at least you have pictures to prove how hot (oh, I'm sorry "hott") the hat looked.
Your stories are truly the best. Thanks for all the soda-through-the-nose laughs. xxoo Coco, I love you too.
202. Meg said:
I totally i.d. with you. My puppy ate my $400 glasses that I had all of ONE DAY. UGH!!! but, i love him.
203. saucygrrl said:
You know, I should have seen that coming but I totally didn't.
Damn, girl, that sucks because that hat was freaking AWESOME on you.
204. dewi said:
Forget writing blogger books.
You need a sitcom.
205. Ellen said:
Our family can definitely relate. We got a puppy last spring and another one in July (in addition to the two adult dogs we already have, one of whom is constantly either begging for attention, carrying undergarments/socks around the house, or rubbing her ass on the carpet and staining it). I could list all the naughty (and probably amusing to, ah, outsiders) things they've done but I'd be up all night. So all I can say is, good luck fixing that dog bed and keep the hilarious stories coming. ;)
206. t_in_texas said:
I lost a friend in high school because his dawg gnawed on my eyeglasses when I spent the night.
207. Krissa said:
Priceless! Well, I hope you get another one. Not everyone has a "hat face" and it looked good on you!
208. Anu said:
I just fell off my chair laughing after reading that last sentence.
209. wynk said:
You should definitely get another hat. There are two types of people in this world: people that look good in hats (YOU) and people for whom hats just make their hair look even poofier (ME). The big sunglasses really finish it off too.
And if it makes you feel any better, when my puppy got bored she ate the dining room. Literally: every bit of trim, every door frame, every window sill, the couch IN the room, even a huge hole in the drywall. Over $1500 to fix it all and replace the door. Sigh.
210. Amy said:
HAHAHA that is hilarious. What a great post. It's almost as though the hat was sacrificed so you could write a funny story to make us all laugh.
211. jen said:
That was Laugh-Out-Loud funny. Thank you.
212. Anonymous said:
Coco just thought "She brought me STUFF!"
213. John Dickerson said:
Lovely storytelling.
214. sarah said:
NOOOO not the glamorista hat! (I decided to name it the glamorista hat) It really did look nice on you
215. Michelle said:
Whenever I get pangs for another baby, I think about getting a dog instead. The thinking being that a dog would somehow be easier than another child. Then I come here, and I watch the adorable vids of Coco and Chuck, and I yearn even more for some puppy love.
And then you post a wonderful reality check like this, and I change my mind. For your sake, I hope you don't have to keep reminding me why NOT to get a dog.
At least she gave you something to write about?!
216. Lauren said:
This post really gives new meaning to your April masthead graphic.
217. Bunny Berry said:
"And the brim kept knocking into the ear of the strange but patient man who sat to my left."
Okay, that just made me laugh out loud. Then I went back and read the Organic Chicken Broth posts again, and Heather, you are one funny story telling, hat wearing, mofo.
218. Madden said:
Did you get to see the puppy butt wipe on the carpet contortion? Probably not. Keep any string used to tie the pot roast up away from her or your carpeting will be her toilet paper :)
219. rhome said:
I knew the ending of this story as soon as I read the first sentence.
220. Terri Sinclair said:
So funny it hurts. As a dog mom (to two puppies and two old dogs) I feel your pain. I had the most beautiful overpriced sandals. I woke up recently to this odd sound. I couldn't quite place it. I dozed off and on for about 10 minutes, thinking about the sound. What could that be? Then suddenly it hit me. I jumped out of bed but far too late. Yep. My sandal. Only one. Gone. Dog poop.
221. jm said:
oh and it looked so awesome too :(
damn puppies.
our labrador retriever ate all our christmas decorations last year.
I imagine passing tinsel is quite similar to passing straw.
222. Anonymous said:
Our dog Stella has this thing where she ONLY destroys things of importance, things that hold our scents, you know all our favorite things!
Once she ate our remote control!
223. euph said:
laughed out loud for the first time TODAY! took me a minute to realize what the F Coco had destroyed in the last picture. Classic! ha, so many people here all "oh no, the hat, it was so cooL" when it's demise is the actually a most highlarious & probably not unfortunate thing.
224. Anonymous said:
Funniest post. EVER.
225. lolly said:
somehow puppies know exactly what it is that you treasure and go right for it. I've lost many souvenirs to puppies...now that i have an adult dog, all she eats are diapers out of the trash!
226. Amy S said:
Did anyone else do the sharp inhale and hand flying up to their mouth? I did. Great story. My condolences on the hat. And as for Coco... well, shit happens. Definitely for awhile anyway. :o)
227. Maggie said:
My husband and I have had many things eaten by dogs over the years. The only joy we get out of all of it is still calling our great dane "skirt breath" or "baseball cap breath" like 5 years after she ate those items of ours.
228. Jennifer said:
That is the saddest story I've ever heard!
229. Ellen said:
Can I use this as an example of a perfectly constructed story? My other example for my 6th graders is Bill Cosby's story about the snowball.
It took me a while to make the connection, because I looked at the second picture before I read the rest of the story. What is that? broken glass? paper? Oohhh, it's the hat!
I've been wondering why Coco's on a leash all the time. Is it so it's easier to catch her?
230. Andi said:
Great storytelling,I was totally feelin love for the hat. Oh the joys of puppies. Lost a pair of prized Dr. Marten sandals to my gorgeous australian shepherd pup once. Good thing the dog cost more than the sandals. Our latest puppy is too small to do much damage,thankfully so. So far his favorite item to shred seems to be the cardboard tube left over from toilet papers. I'm guessing he is not mad at any of us, yet.
231. Hehe said:
Oh my god, I read this sentence three times before I stopped reading "A HAMMER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND HIT ME IN THE FACE" as "A HAMSTER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND HIT ME IN THE FACE." Because I thought, well, a hamster falling out of the sky and landing safely on my head wouldn't be such a bad thing. It would be adorable!
232. Anonymous Don said:
A brief but glorious life the hat had,
but I hope you get another.
As a Tilly-wearer, I like the fact that
big hats keep away the sun (and melanoma)
from my Swedish complexion.
And your hat frames the face nicely.
Hope you find another one you like.
233. Steve said:
Heather...no offense but that tortilla on your head clearly had it coming. Yo quiero Dooce's hat.
234. em said:
Sorry....but THAT made me laugh!
235. Molly said:
I looove your blog. I do. You deserve your spot in the top 100, and I read your post about peoples rude comments-- they must be boring poeple. I enjoy writing things on my blog that make people question my sanity. I get a kick out of it. I am thrilled by it. And I believe if someone is so boring they cant write down their feelings and show what a total dumb ass they really are, then they deserve to be called boring... which is something I NEVER want to be-- and something you have succeeded at not being. well done:) Love, molly
236. Enjolie said:
Oh noooo! That hat looked so sweet on you.
I was looking at coco's mess and was like, wait, what is that? That's the bed right? She tore up the bed? That's not that bad. Oh, oh no, it...Can't be. THE HAT!
I feel your pain. Hilarious delivery and setup btw. Damn I am in love with your site, Heather
<3
237. molly said:
Oh-- and I too am from Utah! Southern Utah, a small small town called monticello an hour south of moab. I love your take on the mormon culture. I left the church, but just came back a few months ago after two years of drugs that ended in an overdose with me on life support in a coma!!! I respect all outtakes on religion and such as long as the heart is in the right place... meaning the people i dislike the most tend to usually be mormons that seem to just be doing it for show, or the self righteous kind. my gosh im blabbing and i dont know what about. goodbye.
238. Jan said:
Nooooooooo! Not THE hat! That hat was absolutely awesome and must be replaced immediately.
239. DM said:
Oh. She ate the hat. I can't believe I just got that now.
I'm sorry, I was too busy laughing over the "ALSO! WHO WANTS TO DANCE? Here, if I jump off this counter will you catch me?" because seriously, that is what I sound like most of the time and I don't drink alcohol. Why? Because when I do, I have a tendency to say to men that I like "You're like Batman! Adam West Batman." Do you know how difficult it is to explain to someone that you think Adam West is hot and this is a compliment? Do you?
Sorry, meandering all over the place. I really just wanted to say thanks for the laugh, I needed it.
240. Athena's Mom said:
You are made of win. I'm amazed that you got the hat past the TSA. And only once you got it home did it end up in someone's digestive track.
241. Catherine said:
You look great in that hat..the dearly departed, shredded hat.
242. Stellare said:
You did it on purpose, didn't you? Buy the hat and then "forget" about the puppy. So you could write this GREAT STORY!
:-)
243. Novasocal said:
As a dog owner, that is a head shaker story to the affirmative. Been there too many times! Great story, really made me laugh, and with apologies to old what's his name you look pretty hot in the hat!!
244. gitz said:
First of all, I have a dog. I feel your pain. Only mine is almost five and is still such a shit he would eat my hat if it was in reach. I've just gotten really good about putting things away.
Second... my favorite part of your stories is getting to the punch line and then admiring how you made the entire story about something other than the actual punch line. You craft a story so well, I may just have to go buy your book. And try to read it before my dog eats it.
245. Rita Finn said:
If you like that hat, try Louise Green (http://www.louisegreen.com/) and you'll make the queen of England jealous. Together we can make hats totally cool again.
246. Digitalcowgirl said:
I know I'm used to seeing decorative headgear here in Derby City but really, you totally rock the hat. Love your sense of humor, too!
247. KAS said:
I liked the hat!
I lost many, many pairs of beloved sandals to our black lab when she was a puppy. Now it's socks, toilet paper, and occasionally underwear. Junk mail also ends up going through the live shredder. But thankfully that's at my mother's house, now, and I no longer have to suffer through hiding my shoes.
248. Alyson said:
My dog has done that, 'cept with the throw blanket I bought to replace the throw blanket he had appropriated for his own use. They were down - real feathers.
249. Audrey said:
You look FABULOUS da-link! Wear hats - always. I bet people thought you were someone famous..er, well you are...
250. pinkelefantcaren.blogspot.com said:
i'm new to your blog, and to be quite honest, i have no idea how i even found it... but boy am i glad that i did! you are flippin HYSTERICAL!!! from what i have read so far, we just might be long lost twins! you think VERY similar to myself... scary!
as for hats, while on vacation a couple years ago with my in laws, my mother in law decided to buy this (terribly obnoxious) straw hat. on our bike ride back from shopping, she hit a curb and almost fell into the canal we were riding next to. she was able to catch herself from falling in but guess what... she lost the hat!!! one of the funniest things i have ever seen (because i very maturely think that people falling is secretly funny!) and one of the best mental pictures i have ever had!
251. d. Sharp said:
Oh Dooce, you are awesome, thanks for the laugh.
252. DeeBee said:
That is so sad. After making it all the way home and to have it end up in shreds. So sorry.
253. MeL said:
You DO look fab in a hat, it must be said. (again.)
Sadly, many of my favorite posessions have gone the same, sad route to the next life. My black boots. My sunglasses. Oh, and more poopy baby diapers than I would care to admit since, for some reason, I STILL LET THE DAMN DOG LICK MY FACE. Because that is what you do when you have dogs, you let them lick you on the face with the same tongue they use to thoroughly explore their asshole on a regular basis.
Just in case I am wrong my parents were right all along about the Mormons having a lock on salvation? I am fairly convinced that this concession on my part, ALONE, will be enough to get me into the celestial kingdom. "Let shit-eating dog lick you on the face. Here's your planet and your dozen sister-wives to braid your hair and bring you postum."
254. dianerose said:
OMG...you are such a funny woman. I always feel humbled when I want to comment on your blog. My words seem pathetically small and uninspired compared to your incredible insight and wit . Thank goodness I can get my 'Dooce' fix on a regular basis.
255. Mental P Mama said:
Is it me, or do your posts get better every single day? God, I wish I had your talent.
256. Lisa from Palm Desert said:
You were right here in my town!! If I had spotted you I would have acted like you did when you saw Rick Springfield. Now for my dog story...years ago when I was a teenager, our precious pure white with chocolate colored nose German Shepherd ate my mom's false teeth. They were bothering her gums (my mom's, not the dog's)in the night while sleeping and she simply took them out and set them on the nightstand. They weren't there in the morning-they were in pieces on the living room floor. Ginger was young (the dog, not my mom), but not exactly a puppy. She was forgiven and lived twelve more long years. Still cracks me up, though.
257. Anonymous said:
Wow. Just, wow.
I would be so depressed if my dog chewed up one of my hats (seeing as she never chews up anything. then it would be worse).
I've become especially attached to beanies recently. The ones with the bill. I never thought I'd be a hat person until summer of 2007 came and I laid eyes on the most amazing hat to ever come into my life. Drastic i know, but a good hat is a good hat. nothing less.
258. Ash said:
Oh. My. God. That hat was beautiful! And I am NOT a hat person. We're going through puppy hell too. I don't think I'm as patient as you are. I would've killed her. Maybe not "kill" but yell really loud and have her taken out of my sight. Dogs! I'm sure Chuck stood in the background snickering while she destroyed the hat.
259. Sheri said:
I was feeling down this afternoon until I saw this!!! My dog prefers shoes-the newer the better. Thanks for the laugh.
260. michele said:
I have been reading this for a year and have never commented. However, the experience with the lackluster SPF 70 leading to the purchase of a ridiculously large white hat hit so close to home that I had to say hello. I literally just acquired my own embarassingly large white hat last month. Not having a pupppy, I just keep mine up in my closet so that my two cats don't cough up a large tasty hairball on it.
261. Linsey said:
My sister once lost the cover for one of her ear buds...one of those soft, spongy type things. She found it a little while later, when she was scooping the dog poop from her backyard. There it was, stuck right on top of a little pile, like a present.
262. Suzanne said:
So funny! While I don't burn that easily, I am allergic to wrinkles, so I am always lathered, covered, etc. A lady approached my husband once and asked if I was allergic to the sun.
263. Cynthia said:
Heather - Girl, you look FABULOUS in that hat! Get another one, try different ones on... You will know if a hat "feels right". A hat gives celebration one day, shelter, or anonymity on another. Just like a great pair of shoes (or shades) give you a special stride, a great hat can give you zing in your step too! Just keep it high (hat rack) in the air from that dog! Ruff(rough!)!
Love my hats! Cynthia
264. the mama bird diaries said:
Funny, fabulous post. We use to put our dog on a leash immediately in the morning or things went terribly wrong.
265. Marko said:
We have four dachshunds.
I don't even mind the destroyed possessions so much anymore. (Those little furry engines of destruction would find a way to chew up a cast-iron skillet.)
It's the chewed-up poopy diapers that bother me.
I've learned to never turn my back on one for more than two seconds, even when I'm in the middle of a Level Three Code Brown diaper change, but it still happens often enough that the rolled-up poop diapers will be forever known as "doggie burritos" in our house.
266. Jennsa said:
Brilliant!
uh...the story and the hat.
267. Kate Savage said:
...and this on the day I agree to foster a helper puppy that's being trained for autistic kids. Man, those kids better benefit.
I suppose I'll be blogging of similar disasters soon enough.
268. Meegan said:
SO sad! That was a great hat. At least you have a photo of yourself wearing the fabulous hat, looking like a cross between that famous person on the tip on my tongue and Carmen San Diego.
269. JennC said:
I didn't read through the million+ comments, so I'm sure I'm just repeating what's already been said, but I thought you looked fierce in that hat. Not just regular fierce, either. Like, Tyra and Mr. Jay FIERCE. And I've only had two martinis. Additionally, I think you have stellar fashion sense. So no more of that nonsense, missy.
And apparently, two martinis and I get all uppity. Sorry!
270. Victoria said:
Ohhhh dear!
271. cartoongoddess said:
I'm so sorry the dog ate it. That was a good look for you.
272. Kassie said:
What a hysterical story.
I am very sorry for your hat though.
VAIR CHIC.
273. May said:
How many incarnations of a straw hat could there possibly be?
274. Douglas said:
funny enough, i want to get a puppy myself and i have a baseball cap collection that numbers in the 50's. this story is making me rethink it but i think i would be fine since i want a english bulldog and there are pretty laid back and docile.
275. Cristan said:
Your skin is like Nicole Kidman's children in "The Others", except, presumably, you're not dead.
My skin is the same, I was skiing last week in Crested Butte, Co., with Neutrogena SPF 70 and still have an alcoholic-red nose!
276. Shalini said:
The hat looks great on you! Very incognito-ish...
I am so glad we adopted a kitten last week, even at their worst they are NOTHING compared to a slightly insane puppy!
Good luck with Coco!
277. Ugly Debty said:
I bet she has hundreds of toys too. Why do they always chew the one thing you really dont want them to chew. Bit like kids and christmas, discarding the toys to play with the paper.
PS - you look great in the hat!
278. sromeo said:
Oh Heather. I have been reading this blog since high school and I think this is the hardest I have laughed. And never before have I related with you on so many levels, namely, the things we do in the name of alcohol, in the name of fashion, and most of all, in the name of puppies. Good show.
By the way, you look BEAUTIFUL in your style post with the scarf!!
279. Jean said:
Oh my - so sad! I was thinking how absolutley fabulous you looked in that hat - you must, I repeat, you must get another hat like that - and wear it often!!!!!!
280. Joanna said:
Man! You looked like Garbo in that hat! You'll have to get another one.
I worship my dog, but I know all she does is meditate over dastardly plans to get up to no good. And she's 10! I know that if I don't see her, she's doing something bad. Or napping.
281. jeanie said:
"And two consecutive days of a dog trying to pass straw out of her ass."
I had a flatmate whose kitten once ate a bag of rubber bands.
I know the bittersweet feeling it can be, having a household animal bound up in household items.
282. heather said:
it's too bad, because that hat looked great on you!
283. Deva said:
Poor hat, you looked fantastic in it!
284. aliceqfoodie said:
Oh no she didn't! Man, I can so totally relate. I've lost multiple pairs of shoes and sunglasses (and still have some with chew marks) countless bras, hats - even an ipod! And then there's THIS. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5682/3027/1600/early%202006%20110.jpg
The hat looked fabulous by the way!
285. ChickaRose said:
I'm so sorry for your loss.
286. Whitney & Bella said:
We may have done something similar before...
287. Amy said:
Hilarious!
288. CindyM said:
What a horrible demise for the hat, which looked awesome by the way. I am SO not a hat person and I sun burn passing under strong lighting. With my luck I'd be forced to buy the last hat in the store (which would have a big flower on it just for good measure), look like a freak and when I got home my dog WOULDN'T eat it.
Sorry you lost that fab hat but you really must buy another--and keep leashing that adorable puppy for a while longer :)
289. crustybeef said:
The Little SHIThead! :)
Always,
Crusty
too funny=I know what you mean. :)
your word captcha rocks!my word is, informants on!
ROCK ON, game on! :)
290. Julie in Houston said:
Holy crap! It's amazing how quickly a puppy can ingest something like that. I fo sho wouldn't want to be passing a straw hat out my ass, it's all prickly and stuff. :) I'm also living with a puppy. He's recently discovered Toilet paper! MMMmmmm... At least that's easy to pass though. Poor Coco. He's recently peed on the bed, puked all over the living room, and eaten three dead worms while we were on walks. Stupid puppies!
That hat looked great on you btw.
291. Meg said:
You have a Noam Chomsky book collection. So do I!!! Way cool!!
292. Spicy said:
Oh lord. I really needed this post today. Thank you!!!
oh....and sorry about the hat. Can totally relate though.
293. Bonnie said:
Noooooooooooooo! You looked fabulous in that hat!
God, what is it about puppies that they just KNOW what item in your closet will allow you to toss your hair and make it on the runway! My dog when she was a puppy ate some fabulous clogs that I had gotten in NY. Then again, my dog also ate a tube of cortaid and a picture frame with shellacked dog biscuits embedded with rhinestones. Now those were some fancy poops!
294. Joanna said:
Are you sure Chuck and Bo aren't trying to frame Coco? Oh, wait, you have proof. Never mind.
295. Anonymous said:
Maybe Jon should have gotten you a hippo and not a puppy!
296. Robin said:
You look like an incognito movie star in the hat, quite glam.
I once had a puppy that tore apart a rabbit fur jacket that I had hung on the back of the bedroom door so I wouldn't forget to pack it to give to my sister in law. BUT, I didn't shut the door all the way and then a hammer fell out of the sky... oh, I mean the puppy SHREDDED the jacket and then tried to explain that since it was rabbit and he was a beagle it was his duty, etc. etc. And then he pooped fur for 4 days. I never liked that sister in law anyway.
297. Stacey said:
i raise guide dog puppies for the blind. so thus i regularly have an eight week old monster running around the house. some are better at not chewing than others... one particular yellow lab chewed: a basketball sized hole in the wall, two leather leashes, one crate, and one string of christmas lights: bulbs, wire, and all. that one was fun because we had to check each poop to make sure the bulbs were coming out ok. groan.
298. Mojo said:
That's funny. I thought, according to the onslaught of abuse a previous reader was subjected to, that Heather "never" (never!) opened her posts for comments. Never? Really? Huh.
Great post, Dooce! As always. Some hats are just worth lugging. They're just worth it. No matter what the future holds.
299. Renee' said:
This is why I read this blog...After working 10 hours, grocery shopping, putting the kids to bed etc etc blah blah blah....I read this and wipe the tears streaming down my face...this is why I read this blog... :)
300. Dani_Buddy said:
All I can say is "Go, Coco!!!" Sorry.