Life with two dogs. Much different than life on a beach with a margarita.
The addition of Dame Micro Turdlet to our family has increased the chaos of our lives by about 400 percent, although in the last week I have only wanted to drown her in a pot of chicken broth two or three times. There was this one time, I think I was reading a website or a book, I can't remember, but it said that Australian Shepherds are smart animals, or I guess as smart as one can be when one's main goal in life is to research the smell of someone else's butt so that one can file it away in the scent cabinet of one's brain. Very Important Work.
And I trusted that this might be true because I have seen Australian Shepherds acting smartly, being very competent companions, fetching newspapers and brewing the morning coffee. So you can understand my frustration when five weeks into owning one of my very own I look up and she is squatting in the middle of my very clean kitchen and emptying her bowels on the floor. And then afterward she looks up and is all, what? Why are you screaming at me like that? It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I had a total breakdown, and while on vacation in San Diego after Coco had four accidents in the hotel room, I turned to Jon and said, hi, how are you? I am unhappy and since you like to fix things I've got a project for you: one, please housebreak the dog because whatever I am doing is not working. Two, you seem to be unreasonably grumpy lately, and if you didn't know this already there are things out there that can help you overcome that emotion. I even have some of those things in my purse. Here. Take one.
Now, I am right this instant knocking my whole head on wood, but Coco hasn't had an accident in 12 days. Because Jon has been physically tied to that dog for three straight weeks, has taught her how to touch the door with her paw, has gotten up in the middle of many snowy nights, put on his snow boots and stood outside in his pajamas so that she could take care of business. And we think she finally gets it, although there was that one day when I was looking through a stack of junk mail in the kitchen and I casually looked up to find a long path of poopy paw prints weaving its way around the dining table and off into the living room. You know how sometimes in movies the camera will focus in on one object at the same time that it is pulling away from everything else? To signal to the audience, hey, this is a TOTALLY DRAMATIC MOMENT, PAY ATTENTION. My vision did just that, I closed in on one poopy paw print and the rest of the room went blurry, and I thought, hmm, what is that funny, familiar feeling in my gut? Oh right. Nausea.
So I start following the path thinking for sure that I'm going to stumble upon a hidden pile of dog poop, except that the path keeps winding and going on forever, and my house is now just a huge canvas covered in poopy polka dots, and why can I not find the poop? In and out of the kitchen, around the entire perimeter of the living room, down the hallway into the office and back again, you'd think that the dog would be all, what is this yucky, wet substance on my foot, here, let me STAND STILL SO I DON'T GET IT ON ANYTHING. But instead the dog was all, maybe it will wear off if I WANDER AROUND AIMLESSLY.
And then the path trots merrily down the carpeted steps, through the carpeted hallway downstairs and out the basement door. And when you add two and two together you get oh, phew! Someone stepped in poop outside! But don't celebrate just yet because SO WHAT? THE HOUSE IS STILL COVERED IN SHIT. And by this time Jon has both dogs quarantined, and because I am out of my mind I go looking for which dog did this, and how do I go about this inspection? Do you really want to know? Because my gag reflex is already starting to act up just thinking about it, and fine. Okay. I smelled their paws. I admit it. There is no excuse, I just had to know, you know? And when I smelled one of Chuck's back paws, the one that had stepped in his own poop outside, I died. And fell over dead. My obituary read: KILLED BY MALODOROUS PAW. They sang Mormon hymns at my funeral.
Two hours later the path of poopy paw prints was finally clean, and man, we should have sold tickets to that spectacle. I wasn't thinking clearly, because I was dead, and instead of tying up the dogs we just let them run around while we cleaned, and Coco was all, how crazy is this, there are treats EVERYWHERE! And she's meandering around the house licking the floor. And Leta is jumping up and down on the couch screaming I DIDN'T POOP ON THE FLOOR! IT WASN'T ME! Because you clearly cannot get ahead in life if you are not actively taking advantage of every opportunity to make yourself look good. The dog tracked poop all over the floor, yes, but more importantly SHE DIDN'T. And she was expecting a trophy.
Anyway, whatever. Coco didn't have an accident, it was all just a huge, messy misunderstanding. And this week is the first week since we've had her that I haven't felt like a prisoner in my own home, waiting waiting waiting to walk around the corner and step into a fresh puddle of urine. Also, Jon is considerably less grumpy, I'll let him give you the specifics, but in an effort to help alleviate his grumpiness further we spent 17 hours at the doctor's office yesterday getting him a CT scan and trying to figure out why his sinuses are so mean to him. The scan looked good, although the ear, nose, and throat specialist was a total nerd and was cracking nerd jokes about bones that made no sense to me because I did not get a medical degree from Harvard. And as he's pointing to the illuminated CT scan and laughing at why that little thing right there? That's called the sphenoid bone. Get it? GET IT? Jon and I are pretending to understand, laughing nervously like, yeah. That sphenoid bone is a total riot.
Watch Heather discuss her feelings about vaccinations on this episode of Momversation.
1. dooce said:
That must have been horrible.
dooce
House of dooce
2. Lori Magno said:
*choking back tears in a meeting right now. Hugs from Badcat (who totally didn't throw up on the white oriental carpet last night) and T-Bone (who totally di)
3. rui said:
wow. that's amazing.
happy valetines day? LOL
4. d'Auria Groux-Holt said:
well since your ear/throat/nose specialist and I share an affinity for bad jokes:
what a shit show!
At least Leta didn't think it was a great idea to copy Coco and run around licking up all those chocolate-y treats too. It's the little things, really.
5. Jill S. said:
I have no idea what I would do without you to CRACK MY ASS UP.
Bad news. I have an Australian Shephard and while her brother is apparently a genius, mine smells crotches for a living.
6. Stephanie said:
And no video of this entire spectacle? Oh lord, I am laughing my ass off. Out loud. In a room by myself. The Mormon hymns at your funeral? Lovely.
7. Vanessa said:
Comments, OPEN. I just can't resist. And the thought of bing FIRST on Dooce. Well, that made my head spin.
8. Miss Peas said:
I feel your pain. my dog is 13 years old and STILL hasn't gotten the hang of peeing outside.
9. Jules said:
It's a damn good thing that Australian Shepherds aren't known for their wall-climbing skills!
Jules
House of Jules
10. George said:
This is an amazingly well-told story. :)
I feel like I might just assign it in one of my classes.
Well done, madam. Well done indeed.
11. feelbetternow said:
I have really been wondering how coco and you were doing. after a huge last year full of many large changes, I foolishly decided a week ago to bring home a pup. long story short I immediately knew this was the wrong time for a pup, and that I was trying to fill a hole in my heart. I tried for five days, but after losing seven lbs., breaking blood vessels in my face from vomitting, night terrors and panic attacks, I admitted to myself that now is not the right time for me to own a puppy. I returned her to the rescue and had them keep my donation. It was a terribly hard decision, and I am having a very hard time forgiving myself, but the clear physical manifestation of my stress was sending quite a message. unfortunately, I have lost a couple of 'friends' due to this, and all week I just kept thinking about Heather, and wishing there were someone like her near to me who could likely understand exactly how I felt: a prisoner in my own home.
p.s. hope john's face is better soon. does he use a neti pot ever?
12. Anonymous said:
We taught our australian shithead to ring a bell tied to the door when he wants out. He now proceeds to ring the bell everytime we sit down or walk into another room. If we don't come immediatly... he puts the string in his mouth and shakes his head then turns around with a look like 'hey bitch... I know what this mean... open the door.. NOW!'
It is rather annoying.
13. Ms. Karen said:
"Poopy polka-dots" Despite being totally gross, the way you write it... Sorry, but I'm laughing at you.
Oh, and I hope Jon's bone is, um, ok...
14. Lyndsey said:
That's too funny about your nerdy doctor. In college I had a pysch professor who cracked all sorts of unfunny, over your head jokes in class all the time. I would laugh just so there wouldn't be silence in the room. It could be so awkward sometimes.
It makes me wonder if Chuck purposely stepped in his own doo-doo, hoping that Coco would get the blame.
15. k-m-s said:
Love it! I'm dying at my desk laughing right now! Maybe it was the glass of wine at lunch... No, it's definitely you!
Thank you!
16. Shelley said:
Laughing out-freakin'-loud. Some kid in passing in the hallway outside my classroom just gave me a weird look: "There's that teacher who reads Dooce during her prep period and pees herself."
17. Anonymous said:
Wow. Now if only Jon could train my dog not to each kitty litter. How do you make a dog understand that they AREN'T dog treats that we've hidden for him in a pile of sand(?).
18. Rachel said:
I feel like our dog situations are paralelling each other! I'm living with my sister who has a dog named Frankie who CONSTANTLY gets called Chuck by all the avid Dooce readers in our household. I just recently acquired an Australian Shepherd mix, Miles, who looks nothing like Coco but is going through the same puppy stuff at the same time.
My first thought when getting out of the shower this morning and finding puppy poop in the living room was "Thank God, it's solid."
19. Nothing But Bonfires said:
Maybe we're all looking too deeply into it, and it's just the word "bone" that's funny. You know, if you're 12. Was the doctor 12? Those Harvard types are some fast learners.
20. Annie said:
When we adopted our puppy, she was fully housebroken at 8 weeks old. She peed inside once when she had an infection and she was so sick her little kidneys were swollen up like kiwis, and even then I began screaming, "NOOOOOOO. YOU ARE HOUSEBROKEN." As if she would logically look at me and go, "Oh, okay then. Let me just go get a paper towel and I'll clean that right up."
Whenever a friend gets a new puppy and it acts like a new puppy and does things like shit on the carpet, I always bring up how MY dog was perfectly housebroken by then. And then they shoot fire out of their eyes at me.
But I figure that I have to brag about the dog not shitting on the carpet because one day when I have a kid it's going to be the spawn of Satan. Which will then give my friends a chance to say, "My 7 year old doesn't shit on the floor."
See, it all evens out in the end.
21. Jennifer said:
Oh this makes me feel SO much better. In fact, I sort of squeeled with glee, cause, you know what?
I've been having to clean cat urine from our bed. Our BED...soaked through the duvet, through the comforter, through the cotten knit Ralph Lauren blanket, through the flat sheet, through the fitted sheet, THROUGH the mattress pad and finally came to rest on my Allergy Sheet. Thank GOD that crap isn't absorbent.
Done that twice in 4 days....lucky, lucky me.
And now, lucky, lucky, YOU.
22. Joody said:
I was hoping you would say it was mud. Coco probably framed Chuck.
23. Molly said:
It's okay that you've been thinking of drowning your dog in chicken broth...I guess. As long as it's organic chicken broth, because let's practice sustainable consumption here.
Poopy polka dots. So awesome.
24. Sarah said:
Oh.My.God Heather .. one of your best post ever. I feel like hurling myself on the floor and rolling around in out-of-control laughter; but my co-workers might think I have gone mad.
I can totally relate: fast-reverse to puppyhood for our dog and different house (8 yrs ago), with beautiful white carpeted stairs. I call home, my husband happens to have been doing his business but leaps from the toilet to get the phone - about half a second into the phone call I hear "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and oh yes, puppy had hauled contents (including tp) out of toilet and is devouring it whilst trotting galiently down white carpeted stairs like he just won the grand prize!
We ripped up carpet. Plywood floor and stairs for 2 yrs.We moved.
The end.
25. JennyM said:
Sphenoid bone! Oh, man. That one kills.
If Jon finds out about a sinusectomy or sinus replacement therapy or SOMETHING, I'm definitely interested.
I have spent time sobbing in the closet and wondering why the dog doesn't understand fucking ENGLISH already. (Or, if he does understand it, then why is he such a shithead sometimes?)
That Chuck is devious, man. He was totally playing Coco for a patsy...
26. Jeff said:
Could you go over the footprints on the floor again? I don't understand...
27. Dawn said:
Sinus problems--- have you tried the neti pot?!?!?!? Dr. Oz did a demo on an hour television program. If I have to say her name I might throw up.
28. dmarie said:
This story has just convinced me not to get another dog. I don't know what I was thinking. Thanks.
29. Wine Dog said:
I think my puppy broke my sphenoid bone when she put her gi-normous paw in my face this morning.
30. amy said:
you kill me woman. you are hilarious.
31. AmyM said:
Perhaps Chuck should have his Blue's Clues privileges revoked, no?
Or at the very least, tell him that it is BLUE's Clues, not POOH's Clues.
Yes, I do have small children in my house. How'd you know?
32. Benjamin Boudreau said:
Ugh...I had two seven-month-old puppies for a weekend. The first day I nearly drowned in their excrements, the next two days I started to actually want to.
http://bensprblog.blogspot.com/2008/02/they-never-showed-this-part-on-sc...
33. Billie said:
My favorite bone name is VOMER (another bone in your skull). I think it just sounds funny. Like some furry thing that lives in burrows and comes out at night to feed.
34. Roberto Boone said:
Dogs are expert shitters. I wish I had the shitting skills of a K-9. There is a reason dogs don't need to wipe their own asses. Their shits are usually always quick and clean.
35. Laura B. said:
Good lord woman..."My obituary read: KILLED BY MALODOROUS PAW. They sang Mormon hymns at my funeral." I think I snorted at that one. And the paragraph about Leta being so proud it wasn't her...makes me want children.
36. Nicole said:
Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt with an aussie. Once took Reya to a friends house with the promise that she was well enough housetrained that she wouldn't go inside.
Not only was I wrong--she did--but then she decided to step in it, and walk over ALL the carpet in the house with her shit covered foot.
The puppy experience, overall, has been great. Right now, she's recovering from being spayed, and someday in the future, I hope she achieves a happy balance between queen shithead and totally doped up.
Until then, a lot of swearing happens in my house.
37. molly said:
There is nothing wrong with smelling a dog's paws to get to the bottom of a problem, trust me. I can literally tell the difference between the lovely bowel movements of every animal in my house (3 cats, 1 dog). You just walk in and go, "Oh, Tubby, what did you do?" I have not determined if this is a curse or a gift yet.
But oh, my poor doggy, she's getting so old and isn't as good as holding it anymore. She's SUCH a good girl, but if we take her out too early in the evening, then she has to go earlier in the morning. In the 5 years we've had her, she's only pooped on the floor 4 times, and the poor thing can't even look at us she's so ashamed. That's when I hold her and says, come on, what grown adult hasn't had an accident? Just no one's willing to admit it!
38. katliz said:
Usually I get crazed when my psychotic cat projectile vomits all over the rug or sofa, when, in fact, they are the only porous surfaces in the house. But a house full of poopy-prints? *shudder*
UNLESS you count the time my boyfriend snuggled up in a blanket on the sofa one evening, only to find me trying desperately to hold back my snickering. You see, right on his shoulder was an enormous heap of dried cat vomit that was falling off piece by piece every time he moved. The speed of his ascent off of that sofa may have broken a sound barrier or two.
39. chris said:
We have a 10 week old papillon pup. Add him to my 5 over active kids and I have total chaos, I keep having those *what was I thinking?* moments as I clean up poop throughout the house. But I would never tell my mom, I don't want to hear *I told you so* over and over.
Chris
http://bringinguppuppy-chris.blogspot.com/
40. Kelly B said:
OK, this is what my dog Cassie does on a regular basis.
First she tells us she needs to go outside. She looks out and says ... huh, its (raining/snowing/wet/cold/dark/odd looking) out. That's ok, I'll just check back later to see if it is (dry/not snowy/warmer/light out/normal looking).
Rinse and repeat until instead of asking to go outside she drops down the basement stairs, takes care of business, and then does the "can you open the door" bark from the bottom of the stairs.
*sigh* She's a bit brain damaged from her early life as a hoarder's dog.
Crazy puppies have nothing on my crazy three year old.
41. Karen Sugarpants said:
Oh I feel your pain. That is why I must introduce you to this because I have light cream coloured bur bur (my husband made a big mistake with this for the family room) that has been shit on by Mylie and Ruffy and this stuff WORKS: http://img.epinions.com/images/opti/d9/7f/Woolite_Oxy_Deep_Cleaner-resiz...
42. Allisone said:
Why has no one offered to get this woman a bag of dorritos? Can't you see she's in distress?
You have my sympathy, dear.
43. L Norris said:
Wow. That was some serious laughter. We have a long haired cat who sometimes gets poop in his overly long butt hair. You never seem to notice until you pick him up and stick your hand in it.
The last time this happened it was my husband's hand. I had to clip the offending hairs off the cat's butt after a wet towel didn't work. My husband was holding the cat, so when the poopy hair clump fell, it did so on his white t-shirt.
All I could do was lay down in the floor and laugh hysterically. He was not pleased.
44. Courtney said:
My cat likes to sleep with her paws near my face. Sometimes, that is how I know I have missed a day of cleaning the litter box. I feel your pain!
45. Melly said:
A friend's Lab recently had to undergo multiple surgeries to repair major intestinal damage due to the fact that he ate another pair of her underwear.
Think I'd be happier smelling paws for poop than digging through piles of poop hoping for signs of my passing underwear.
46. rochelle said:
sorry bout your luck. no wonder landlords say "no pets!" maybe they're not as fun, but cat puke doesn't track quite as far as doggie turd.
47. Jen said:
My mother always told me that the reason dogs and babies are so cute is that otherwise you'd... Well. It's a damn good thing they're cute.
48. Michele said:
I had the housebreaking issue with the two evil cats who reside in my home. They are sisters, and when we got them as kittens, we were assured that they were litter trained. WRONG! Every hour it seemed I had a mess to deal with somewhere in my house. There didn't seem to be a corner of the house that they didn't "visit" at one time or another. But now they come and sit on me while I read, so I guess I have to keep them.
49. Megan said:
Great story!
This is why I keep telling my husband we don't need a dog.
50. katszeye said:
Excuse me.... that's organic FREE RANGE chicken broth. :-)
51. plue said:
My first dog was a nightmare in house training. And she is a labrador retriever, a "smart" dog. One thing I learned? No matter how smart a dog is, she's still a dog. And she couldn't get with the house training program. I was literally sleeping propped up against her kennel. AND I even put a matchstick up her butt because a book said that would make her want to poop. Instead, she Freaked Out and ran around like, "Oh shit! There's a MATCHSTICK up my butt!"
To make matters worse, she started to have Explosive Diarrhea. And when we went away to a nice b&b for New Year's 1999, we spent the whole night cleaning up her pee and praying it would not stain the antique rug. Finally, I gave up and threw newspapers down on the kitchen floor. Three months later, her bladder grew and she's been pretty much normal ever since.
52. Anne said:
I had a boxer puppy several years ago, and was very unsuccessful in trying to house break her. She either just didn't get it, or didn't want to. So one night I take her outside, she doesn't do anything, so after an hour we go back inside. Not five minutes later, she runs off to my bderoom, jumps up onto my bed, proceeds to plop and squat on the bad, and pees all over it.
I won't get into anymore details than that, but let's just say she was totally house broken after that...LoL!!! I loved your post, well written and very funny. I feel yer pain.
53. Lila said:
Sorry... but that is exactly why you don't have animals (other than the human variety) live in YOUR HOUSE. Gross.
54. Anne said:
I hate paws that step in poop...such a mess!
The paw on the door is a great thing - we taught our puppy to ring a bell (it is hanging on a string on the door). Works like a charm when you are in another room or if you bring her to someone else's house.
Best of luck with Coco's continued training!
55. Ely said:
You're going to look back on this in a year or two when the whole family is sitting around with the dogs...and you'll just look at one spot that was particularly hard to clean and start laughing. Then everyone will catch on and the whole room will just explode.
Happens to my family every thanksgiving...and when we all kind of wound down from the laughter and look at our dog...she gives us this face, like "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS LAUGHING ABOUT!?!? LOOK HOW CUTE I AM!"
56. RudyMom said:
I had the same experience, EXCEPT! EXCEPT! the dog with the poopy paw got in my CAR after stepping in it, and let me tell you, THAT was exciting to discover when I arrived at my destination. There's not enough bleach in the world to console me.
57. Michelle said:
Well, our Spitz, Angel, has a habit of pooping in the floor - and proceeding to eat it before I can yell 'NO!'
Decide which is worse - poopy prints, or a dog kiss that MAY be covered in shit?
58. jess said:
it's really hard to housebreak the second dog after you've got one that GETS IT. it seems like you forget how hard it was the first time around.
our dog is getting better...but she has her days. she tries to hide the evidence by eating it, too. YUK.
59. Heather's Garden said:
I am going to have nightmares full of shitty pawprints all over my house. There is nothing -- and I mean nothing -- more disgusting than the smell of dog shit. BTW, I'm very pleased that Jon doesn't have a brain tumor.
60. WonderSpot said:
Oh my god I did the same thing not too long ago. My 6 month old dog had just gone outside to do business, but all she did was a pee, and then later, during Will & Grace, I began to notice an unpleasent aroma that I proceeded to track all over my apartment all the while yelling at Tonks. And then I realized that I had stepped in dog poo outside and was currently tracking crap all over my carpet. Good times. Tonks still gives me shit for that one.
61. Robin G. said:
That story made me die a little inside. Poop! Everywhere poop!
Makes me glad for my cats. Though by saying that I know I will wake up tomorrow morning and immediately step in a partially digested hairball.
62. SarahThe said:
I love you, and jon, and your lovely daughter, and your two crazy dogs. Thanks for this website.
63. Becky said:
You crack me up.
64. bunnyninja said:
You had me at Micro Turdlet.
65. sara said:
Want me to make you feel better? My pup was peeing ALL THE TIME even though he used to be litter trained, and the vet realized it wasn't him being ornery, it was that he had so much anxiety over my illness he couldn't help it. So my DOG is on ANTIDEPRESSANTS. And on a high dose of them, at that. Poor little guy. When I told my mom about it, she said, "Oh, I so understand. He inherited it from me."
:)
66. PixieMegh said:
Wow! I think I almost died laughing. It's very hard to hold in the laughter while I'm working. It could have been worse, Chuck could have stepped in it with 2 different feet! Thanks for making my day!
67. jane said:
my dog - after housebreaking and about a month after allowing her freedom inside the house when we were out - chewed up a blue ink pen while home alone. Not only did we find a puddle of blue ink on the carpet, but she also had one paw that really got soaked and tracked all over the house. through the bedroom, down the stairs, across the living room, up on the couch - just the way you described. My cleanup was a lot of work but at least there was no gag reflex reaction!
68. red said:
you are quite the story teller - thanks for another belly laugh!
are you planning to do another "meet and greet" of sorts while you're in austin?
69. jaime said:
This is exactly why i'm not much of an animal person. The cuteness and the cuddliness is just a facade for how disgusting it can be to have to take care of them. Although, some people feel the same way about babies, and I love all babies basically on sight. Pick your poison, I guess.
At least babies don't eat their own poop!
70. hellohahanarf said:
why oh why don't they all avoid steppnig in it? i have one who avoids anything muddy or crappy and another one who steps in ANYthing.
loved your story telling...
71. Amy said:
So I work in a silent office. SI-LENT. I think I may have seriously damaged some internal organs trying to fight the riotous laughter that was threatening to fill the office with, God forbid, sound. The whole thing was amusing, to me, of course, beings I'm not you but the end got me. I was silently hysterical. And yes, it is possible... though painful.
Thanks for speeding up a few moments of my never ending workday.
72. Big Daddy said:
Yeah, we had an Australian Shepard who was also supposed to be super smart. Sure, the dog WAS smart but only in figuring out ways to do what HE wanted to do versus what WE wanted him to do.
73. Dan said:
Thanks a bunch. I was planning on making chocolate chip cookies today, but I think I'll just start drinking early. And, heavily... Very, very heavily.
74. mel said:
Our mini aussie pup (about 2 weeks younger than Coco) is around the same stage in housebreaking and I thought things were bad. I was wrong...it clearly could be worse!! Thanks for making me feel better ;)
75. Shala said:
Love the site! After finding it weeks ago I just finised reading it all the way to the end or beginning, which ever way you look at it. Coco and Chuck are adorable dogs. I have two dogs of my own and though they are total pains in the ass sometimes I love them both dearly! Your little girl is gorgeous by the way, not that that has anything to do with this post or that you don't already realize that!
76. floridagal said:
so why have dogs in the first place? it does look like LOT of work
77. Milk Maid said:
Ok- I'm a nerd, but I totally wish you'd written the sphenoid bone joke down...
Want a 5 month old/55lb doberman to add to your poop-parade?
78. Chikku said:
Hey Dooce, I really have fun reading your stuff... your damn funny.Your writings are always hilarious.This is one reason i dont wana have a pet though i really love animals especially dogs..... but cant roam around the house cleaning thier stuffs.... great work...
79. misshoax said:
our puppy - with us for 4 weeks now.
he knows to poop outside, but not pee. and he looks at me, all sheepishly, as he crouches (because he doesn't know to lift up his leg yet) and just does his business on the kitchen floor. my kitchen floor will never be clean again.
as usual heather, that was hilarious.
80. Becky H. said:
Hey, Dooce: I just discovered you site -- and love it. You are honest and brave, admirably so, almost to the point where it can be painful to read your posts. Again, I mean this as a compliment, as your honesty makes you entirely unique among bloggers.
Keep going; ignore the insecure, petty naysayers.
I enjoyed your link earlier this week to the "I can't breathe" video. I come from grape-stomping country (Napa) and forwarded it to my vineyard-owner dad.
I received this one today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI&feature=related.
It's been around awhile probably, but it's undoubtedly one of the all-time pranks on a telemarketer.
For the best laugh, don't read ahead; minimize your screen and just listen.
My stomach muscles be achin'. :)
Incidentally, I'll post this sucker if only I can read/hear the Captcha. I'm never good with these dang things. ://
81. Denise said:
I cannot even begin to tell you how hard I'm laughing at this moment. Good thing I went potty before I read this, otherwise I would have peed myself.
82. erin said:
when i first started reading your post i was like, chaos? you think you have chaos? try having a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old twin boys. after reading through the entire post (and both laughing and cringing) i realized i didn't have a damn thing to say...except - i love reading your site and thanks for making me laugh.
83. Hanna Em said:
Augh, I hate the search for poop. You expect poop around every corner. My cat randomly started pooping on the floor for seemingly no reason a while ago, it turns out she was just angry because we moved the rug that used to be in front of her litter box.
Why are animals so frustrating sometimes?
84. Morgy said:
I wanna say "bless your heart" but I can't quit laughing long enough to get the words outta my mouth!
85. C said:
I had to stop reading halfway through and then start again because the thought that someday I may have to spend two hours cleaning up shit residue makes me feel overwhelmed to the point where slipping into a coma sounds like a good idea.
86. Anonymous said:
My boy dog sometimes pees on his own front leg. And then he goes and rubs his face in squirrel poo. And that is how he came to be known as Pee-Paw Poopy-Face.
Seriously, this post totally cracked me up, because I have been there myself.
Thanks for the laugh.
87. E-Lo said:
I have to say - house training is why I don't want a dog. I've been fostering a sick puppy from the Humane Society for the past two... long... weeks... and you would have literally died a dozen or more times at my house. Poop everywhere. Thankfully, I did manage to train her to walk on a leash instead of cower when a leash came near her - but I just couldn't get the paw on the door to be let out technique down. Where was Jon when I needed him. Oh, right. Training your dog.
Love dogs. Hate poop.
88. Leah said:
Ha. Stealing the first comment for yourself? priceless.
Poopy paw prints? Disgusting.
89. Michelle said:
HA HA!
101 reasons to NOT get a DOG!
Thanks for the laugh. Sorry you had to clean up the mess though! I would rather clean up after the 3 kids and husband. Unless I could trade the 3 kids in for the dog.....hmmm....
Just found your site few weeks ago and LOVE it!
Michelle
90. Sara said:
oh god... i was almost crying i was laughing so hard.
You're lucky you didn't get a pet with a food allergy because at our house we are constantly finding out that the kitten cat eat that brand it has a dye she is allergic to. She tells us by hiding little piles of kitty puke in out shoe and in the middle of the hall.
Lil'Sara
house of the urban pirate
91. timothy said:
Dog crates are a marvelous thing. I highly recommend them.
92. Rosemary said:
Poop tracks from a toddler are no less horrifying. I feel your pain.
93. Heather said:
I just have to add to this discussion. I love to tell this story whenever it is appropriate, or when it's not appropriate.
I'm the owner of a pug, 1 1/2 years old, finally house trained. But around christmas, while I was in the living room wrapping gifts, a horrific smell traveled to the living room. I followed it to my bedroom, just in time to see the dog slinking out from underneath my bed. Oh god. She looked sad, and scared. I lifted up the corner of my king sized mattress to see the biggest pile of poo ever. And it was everywhere. 2 big piles. I busted the dog the previous day eating bacon grease out of a trash bag by the back door, so you can imagine what might have caused this. I called my husband, who was working out of town, crying. I moved the mattress, put on rubber gloves, and spent the next 2 hours scrubbing and febrezing the mess.
I know she was sick, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. And just to let my husband know what he missed out on, I laid a water bottle next to the poops for scale, shot a picture with my phone and sent it to him.
94. TLC said:
Not to be a total downer, but if you think poopy paws are bad...wait until she EATS her own poop. Uh huh. And then breathes on you. And then...well, you get the picture. Our dog (1/2 australian shepard, 1/2 golden) LOVES that one. sure they're smart, but have really bad manners.
95. sherri said:
thank you for reminding me why i didn't want a 95 pound yellow lab, a crazy bird/mouse hunting cat AND a drooling baby all in the same house. i feel for ya.
96. MsCutePants said:
Smelling your dog's poopy paws? You're brave, I'll give you that. Pictures and/or vidoes would have been nice though, especially done in the dramatic move style you described.
97. Suzanne said:
I think that is the funniest thing you have written yet! I think it strikes me as such because I can myself imagine the HORROR of such a situation. Just this morning, one of my dogs had something going on with his foot, and I summoned up visions of coming home from work to find bloody pawprints all over the carpet. What fun that would be to try to clean up! So I took him to the vet (I also felt sorry for the big galoot). And I also had a puppy who, in my opinion is one of the smartest dogs in the universe, but for some reason she really couldn't be convinced to not pee on the carpet! And then one day--voila! She finally changed her mind, and we lived happily ever after.
98. Melissa Rhinolegs said:
Damn. I got beat to the "organic, free-range" punch. Twice.
But thanks for the laugh, and for reminding me why we're so never getting a puppy.
99. Tobi said:
I know the frustration oh too well. My 2 year-old Basset Hound who actually is housebroken decided to get a little too excited at new people who came to dinner the other night and showed them how she can jump on a couch and pee. She's never done that before and... well, I pray she never does again.
100. Anonymous said:
it's been a long time since you've written about poo. i've missed the poo posts.
101. Rachel said:
My son crapped on the stairs when I was unwise enough to let him loose without a nappy during potty training. I stepped in it and then trod it around the house a bit before I noticed. Cue storm of frenzied sniffing of floors and scrubbing with Dettol. Eventually I had eliminated all the malodorous elements and had calmed down enough to talk to the boy. I fixed him with the hairy eyeball and said "SOMEONE pooed on the stairs. Who do you think it might have been?" and he looked up at me and said "It was me!" in a tone that clearly expressed that he thought I was an idiot to be asking, who else in our one-child, no-pet household might have crapped on the stairs? If he'd known the expression "you numbnut" he would have used it.
102. Tootsie Farklepants said:
Look at it this way: At least you weren't out in the snow, at night, fresh out of the shower wearing only Jon's slippers and coat that barely covered your ass, when you died smelling your dog's foot.
RIP Dooce.
103. Emily said:
I just loved this story. I could totally picture it in my mind.
I just wrote about your site and this post on my own blog, it was that good.
Thanks for the laugh.
http://www.twodogsrunningsouth.blogspot.com/
104. Denise Beck said:
What the hell IS a sphenoid bone???
105. kristi said:
Next you can write a story about a reader that peed her pants reading your post. Followed with the story of her human offspring pooping in the hall -- walking, pooping, walking, pooping... with little baby sister crawling along behind her eating the droppings.
How did we have anything to talk about before we had animals (both the two and four legged kinds)?!
106. Britta said:
If you haven't heard it already, you should really listen to The Poopsmith Song (http://www.amazon.com/The-Poopsmith-Song/dp/B000XKOVDE)
Poop may not go in the potty for doggies but it definitely should not go in the house! Or on the light switch down the hall, for that matter.
I'm so glad the days of house training are long behind me. Don't miss the surprise poops one bit! Good luck.
107. Pretty Lush said:
There's a small female Jack Russell puppy in my house. I refuse to claim her. I think she earns commission on how many times she can infuriate the humans with her constant piss/shit on the carpet or wood. It is absolutely maddening that she cannot get the hang of going outdoors, no matter what is tried. What are the secrets? Further, how do you get rid the omnipresent smell of urine in the carpet?
108. pattyhans said:
I SO needed that laugh! We have a 9 month old puppy that we thought we could leave alone for awhile. I came home to find it had snowed feathers from the pillows she chewed up and a book (fortunately mine, not the library's) torn up, a picture knocked over and half a chewed up banana on the floor. And the whole time my five year old granddaughter is repeating, over and over, in the smuggest possible voice, "Maggie was naughty, huh? Maggie made a huge mess, didn't she?" The unsaid part being "Hey, Grandma, look at me - I'm NOT in trouble!) Life is so easy at 5.
109. William said:
I hope you were thinking of using Free range Chicken broth...
110. Katie said:
I just had to comment after I wiped up the diet coke I sprayed out of my nose and all over my computer monitor I was laughing so hard. Anyone a member of the Obsessive Dog and Puppy Pee and Poop Patrol Club can so relate. It's a freaking full-time job at my house. I'm obsessed - I lay in wait and if my puppy Jo wanders aimlessly too long or takes one sniff on a rug and I'm all over her. I can't tally the number of times I have woken up, stepped out of bed in a dark room and into a pile or poo or pee. She was doing so good and then she was spayed and it undid all prior potty training - this also marked the beginning of the eating of her older sib's poo. She's a great pyrenees so she's a 70 pound puppy - 70 pounders make big poo...it's times like this when I mutter out loud and often to no one but the quadrupeds that the inmates are running the asylum. Thanks for the hilarious conclusion to the week.
111. Sonya said:
Your writing is so awesome... I felt like I was right there, sniffing the poop right along with you. Thanks a ton! LOL
112. nazilam said:
Poochie bells and time and being right on the dog all the time will help.
repeat after me, poochie bells.
113. amy said:
you are the bestest, funniest writer ever. what a visual. once, on vacation, one of the four dogs in residence (two of which were mine) ate 1/2 of a raw bass. and i got down and smelled every dog's breath to see who had sushi. and who wanted a little lemon to go with it.
we have a 9 month old golden, and she was housebroken by 5 months. and yes, it's nice to walk around the house in socks again without holding our breaths and noses.
114. Brenda said:
We trained our dog to use a desk bell to signal she wanted to go outside. I'm sure your dog would pick it up quickly, australian shepherds are smarter than cockapoos, generally :) When all 6 humans in the house ignored the bell, she would bang more insistently, and if we still ignored her, she'd move it around the floor like a hockey puck. Anyway... I'm sure you could train your puppy to use it really quickly, and it'll cut down the times she asks to go outside but you don't see her touching the door. You might want to give it a try.
115. Jenna said:
LOL! i seriously loved the way you wrote that. how comical. ah, dogs are wonderful... but no, that's the reason i don't have any. i have two cats. who poop in a box and all i have to do is scoop it out when i'm ready and awake. screw waking up in the middle of the night to deal with bathroom urgencies. i hate worrying about my own urgencies, let alone someone else's. lol.
116. Kris said:
I'm pretty much pissing all over the floor myself ... LAUGHING at this. Yup, the mormon hymns did me in, too.
As the owner of three dogs, seven (no, wait, EIGHT (forgot about the stray that 'found' us this week)) cats, umpteen turtles and two little boys, I understand. In that warm, icky, smelly, uriny (is that word?) kind of way.
117. Misanthrope said:
To the commenters:
Why is it such a huge flipping deal to be first to comment? Is it on your resume that you were once first to comment on dooce.com? Did it help you get a job or did HR toss it in recycling and go "Wow. Lame."? And why do people who say "O.M.G. I'm first! FIRST!" never have anything more to say than that they are first? Why have they never ever noticed that invariably when their comment posts, it is at least seventh and they look really stupid. Can y'all quit mentioning what number commenter you think you are? Kthxbai.
118. Robin said:
Puppies are cute and fast so that you won't kill them. That is the only reason they stay alive to become nice dogs.
119. Melissa said:
As a brand new owner of a 3 month kitten, I so feel you!!
So your saying 'better living through chemistry' might help me here, huh? Maybe I just need to get some prozac for the kitty.
120. enjolie said:
hahahaha Wow. hmm we were thinking of adopting a puppy next year but perhaps we should adopt a house broken 1 year old instead? i don't think i'd be able to handle law school AND a house full of poop
btw i read your san francisco post while i was in torts class and realized we were both in the city AT THE SAME TIME for a few hours! i then proceeded to get all giddy like a teenie bopper at an nsync concert.
web celebrity > hollywood celebrity
121. Jessica said:
I love dogs and all, but that's why I have cats. :) Although, hairballs are not fun. Hope all is well and clean-smelling now.
122. Stacy said:
Hi Heather,
Thanks for your awesome website. You just have a way with words! Even after reading your post, and knowing how distressing poop can be, I still want a dog.
123. Jodie said:
Ah, the wonderful moments of puppy-hood. Oops it was really Chuck! I love your wonderful humor! Thanks Heather.
Here's the end-of-life scenario going on at my house... My ancient 18 yr old blind Jack Russell terrier can't go outside without being carried out (and doesn't like it if it's cold or wet or whatever), so I've just given in. He has the master bathroom with the tile floor for his bedroom & bathroom. I just do the pee & poop patrol in the morning and evening... he even pees on his towels that I use for his bed. Poor little fellow is just not in control of his own functions any more. But he's not sick or in pain, so I will just keep on cleaning up the bathroom and tolerate having a bathroom that smells most of the time except when I give it a full mop up treatment with pinesol or bleach. Oh and I get to do a load of "pee" towels each weekend in hot water with bleach.
124. Monica said:
Just wanted to thank you for making me laugh in my boring-stay-at-home-mother days! You are an inspiration...love you, love you...oooohhhh, sorry for the sappiness!
125. Jennine said:
We once raised a newborn whitetail fawn who could only pee and poop if we rubbed its butt with paper towel.
Thank God Coco can shit on her own.
126. Sara said:
That was seriously funny.
127. Almost Vegetarian said:
Oh, I so feel your pain. My five month-old Sophie is just one step ahead for your Coco, so I know, I know.
The good news is it was incredibly easy to housebreak Sophie (our breeder recommended a book called "How to Housebreak your Dog in 7 Days" - we did and she was). What is nightmarish now is teaching her how to walk nicely on a leash and, no, don't jump on that little girl and, no, don't run into the curb and, no, don't get between my feet and, no, don't eat that whatever it is, and ... well, you get the picture.
At least we don't have to teach her to chase us and lick up our noses and fall asleep on our laps and wag her tail whenever one of us is near.
There are compensations.
Cheers!
128. >^..^< said:
I have bronchitis and am wheezing like a hyena, laughing my ass off! That story is so freakin' funny! And only you could tell it like that :)
129. Sarah said:
Teaching Coco to touch the door when she wants out was great. We did that too with our Jack Russell Terrier. Except we made the mistake of hanging a bell from the doorknob to touch so we could hear it from other rooms. Of course, once he realized we'd come whenever he rang it, he rang it all the time. Particularly during dinner. He taught us to come. They are little tyrants borne from the devil.
130. Sobu Sobu said:
Hilarious and exhausting. I just imagined scrubbing all those spots on my hands and knees. I need to go lie down and rest now.
131. hautepocket said:
Oh Heather, I love your website. You actually inspired me to create my own, so I thank you for that.
Anyway, I share your puppy Valentine's Day woes, as I had a similar situation. Our new dog woke me up soaked in his own diarrhea that he then violently shook ALL OVER MY KITCHEN as if to say 'human, this is what you get for sleeping and not paying attention to me ALL NIGHT LONG.
132. Christine S said:
LOL, way too funny!!
When we got my Pomeranian, we had a Toy Poodle that was about 13 years old. We took them outside together but it took the Pom 7 months to be housebroken!! We never understood why since he caught onto everything else right away.
133. Sarah said:
Forgot the key to the JRT devil issue - a dog door. Now we don't fall for that bell ringing ruse anymore. Though sometimes he proudly presents us with dead birds he's brought in that have flown into the big glass window. That's not so fun - particularly when he brings them in while we're not there, only to return to a house with feathers and bird in almost every room, thereby confirming that yes, in fact, he does get on furniture he's not supposed to. Dog door's still worth it though!
134. Jennifer K said:
MUST. BUY. STOCK. SPOT SHOT. Fantastic on the carpet. What else to do other than sniff the paw? That was the only way to go.
135. All Adither said:
Oh yeah. That's why I have a cat. A cat who only poops on the floor once or twice a week. And pees outside the litterbox every other day.
Between my cat and my two kids who can't yet wipe themselves with any degree of accuracy, my world is shit.
136. angela said:
I think you mentioned you were crate training? Or did I imagine that?
We crate trained our dog. It took two months of him constantly being carted around in that thing. In an attempt to drive the point home, we carried him outside crate and all first thing every morning and he only rode in the car crated up. My BF takes him to work every day, so he took him out every hour on the hour. Then he moved it up to two, then three, etc. We didn't train him to ask to go out, but we started paying close attention and he devised his own way of letting us know.
137. another heather said:
Nothin like poop and v-day.
138. Tara said:
I think Chuck was trying to get you back for the peanut butter photo op.
139. College Mama said:
Sorry things have been so shitty...
140. Elizabeth said:
Just think: Coco or Chuck could have left you a little Valentine like the one featured on Cute Overload:
http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2008/02/a-very-ahem-spe.html
Thanks for a great story. Poop is always comedy gold, even if not right in the moment of scrubbing it out of the carpet.
P.S. My dog used to get in our bathroom trash, eat feminine products, and then poop them out in the yard. Nothing like finding a tampon or piece of soiled pad when picking up poop!
141. Hippo Brigade said:
I had a lot of anxiety while reading that. A lot. I need to lay on the couch with a martini now.
142. geminijen_2000 said:
HA! Like everyone else, I share your pain! I have Australian Cattle dogs, also a brilliant breed. But my male dog and I could not understand each other's language when he first came to our house. I think he was potty trained, and he was about 8 months old, but it took me 3 weeks of my carpet being soaked with pee to figure out that he would start doing laps around the living room when he needed to go. Of course, sometimes he did this when he didn't have to go.
I was just about at the point where I'd kill him if he ever peed in the house again, so I was watching him like a hawk. One day, I notice him pacing and doing laps, and I ask him, "You gotta go potty?"
He walked over and peed on my foot.
We both got our answer, and he's never peed in the house again. (yes, he's very much alive and well. No doggies were hurt in the making of this story.)
143. kidsmom said:
Here's an even better joke:
"Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Symphysis Pubis!"
Get it? Symphysis Pubis?
Kills 'em every time.
144. Beverly said:
Why is it you only open comments on doggy poop stories??? What did you use to clean it off the carpet???
When are you going to make Leta clean it up?
145. deanna said:
Totally off topic - sort of.
What kind of flooring is in the house? Does anyone know?
When I saw that comments were open I thought "oh, here's my chance to ask about the flooring!"
...not the carpet obviously. Travertine? Marble? I can't tell but I'm loving it.
146. Peggy said:
Lordy me....
For me it is hearing that sound cats make when they are going to throw up, at 4am, in your shoe!
That happened to me this morning.
YUCK!
147. lintys said:
oh i'm so sorry! this reminds of me of an 'incident' over 20 years ago involving my 3-year old daughter and her little friend who had a poopy diaper. my daughter decided to change her little friend's diaper. by the time I caught them, it looked like a diaper explosion in the bathroom, down the hallway (carpet and walls,) and down the stairs (carpet and walls too.) I still remember the nausea and the stink. And there was no one else there but me to clean it up. And I had to clean up the mess and the little girls, and watch the little girls while I cleaned up the mess. I feel your pain Heather!
148. Lacy said:
Oh my God...thank you for reminding me of why I won't let my kids get a dog. Cleaning up their poopy paws is quite enough for me. Ugh, I grew up with dogs and I can still remember the smell of dog poop....GAG!!!
149. Mommy Cracked said:
And this is why I am a cat person, although the hairball thing blows sometimes.
150. Saro said:
My sincerest sympathies. Your experience brings back horrific memories of my own. After a move to a new house, our two dogs had what seemed to be an all day attack of stress induced diarrhea from being left alone in the new house while we were at work, because we had not yet finished their outdoor living quarters. Something these two pups normally could handle if necessary, but we grossly underestimated the stress of the move. The worst part? It was all over the house and we had brick floors (newly refinished of course) that had deepish crevices between the bricks. Gross does not describe having to clean dog diarrhea out crevices in your brick floor with toothpicks and q-tips. The whole event reduced me to near hysterical tears.
By the way, reading dooce is bright spot in my day. Thank you!
151. Terri Sinclair said:
I'm dying right now. I thought I was the only human living in doggy poopy hell. We have TWO PUPPIES. We wanted one but the brother was returned by another owner (I now know why) and so we end up with FOUR DOGS. Two old dogs, one who walks around pooping without even knowing it. (Something about his anus glands not working - I just threw up a little in my mouth) No squatting. No sniffing. Just walking with poop falling out his butt. In the night? Walking to the bathroom? I've stepped in it. I'm horrified I even typed that sentence. Now, the new "trick" is someone - some dog - is pooping behind the dining room table. In the dining room. Where we only go for holidays. How do they know that!?!? I used to be all, "There's poop in the house! There's poop in the house - grab the sponges, the carpet cleaners, the sprays...quickly, run, run everyone, poop, poop!" Now, it's more like, "uh someone please pick up the new pile of poop in the dining room"
It wouldn't be bad except we just bought a beautiful, brand new home. BRAND NEW. Beautiful. Perfect. No scratches, no mars and most of all, NO POOP. Now, four weeks later. I feel I'm living in a poopy house of hell.
If my doggie had pooped on the tile floor in the kitchen I'd be thrilled. I'd be thrilled if they pooped anywhere but the carpet. Seriously. Oh, and don't get me started on the pee. I'm now happy to see poop as long as there is no pee. How sick is that?? I feel your pain. I truly, truly do.
152. Misty Dawn said:
In the past 10 days, my Border Collie puppy has eaten: a pair of my sweatpants (they were really sexy too darnit), a pair of my socks (it's ok, because they were pink), a kitchen towel, my end-table leg, my favorite gloves (that one ticked me off royally), a pair of my boots, and the bean bag chair. This morning, she got in a wrestling match with a skunk and came happily running inside so later she could stare at me with that "Why don't you love me anymore?" look while I endured the gag reflux every time the wind blew from her direction. She'll be a year old on the 27th of this month - sorry to disappoint you if you were hoping it would end soon.
153. maggie said:
Funny poop story.
Just my opinion but perhaps you and Jon spend TOO MUCH time togeather and that is why you get on each others nerves? I know if I spent practically every day all day with my husband we would kill each other...now add a toddler and two dogs. Yikes!
154. Mad Woman said:
I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth on your behalf. I have a terribly strong gag reflex also. Dang dogs.....just a note though, my cat is just as bad. Makes me wonder why we bother sometimes.
Thanks for the laugh! You're a funny gal.
155. Jeannette said:
All I want to know is when the heck does it end? I have a 3 1/2 month old lab/german shepherd mix and the constant peeing and pooping is driving us insane. I want to strangle the damn dog about 35 times every single night. Please. Help me. Tell me. For the love of God. When is it over?
156. John Dickerson said:
And you thought getting a dog would just give you more writing material. Also, beef broth better for dog than chicken broth.
157. Jac Nordquist said:
I just love your blogs, what can I say :)
Greetings from Denmark
Jac Nordquist
158. QuietOne said:
Makes you wonder if dogs shouldn't instead be living outside in a big country yard where they can run by themselves, instead of inside people's houses where they poop and pee. My friend's dog likes to poop in her townhome. Gimme a fish for a pet anyday. Now that's a much better city pet!!
159. donna said:
We got a new puppy on 1-10, and also have been suffering through the glorious potty-training period ... and wondering when the hell is this dog going to get it??? It's comforting that we are not alone in this mess we got ourselves into.
160. Manda said:
I got a puppy as a graduation present. A chocolate lab, a breed that is supposed to be very smart. Her name is Charlie, but in the first five minutes of owning her we gave her the nickname Stoopid. It took her about a solid year to get house broken. It was an awful task. I wanted to scream and cry. Not to mention all she did was eat sticks and rocks and never let me squeeze her like I wanted. Charlie is now 3. She is housebroken, calmer, sweet, loving and still Stoopid. It will take a lot of time, but it will happen!
161. amber said:
Poopy paw prints. Icky illiteration.
I have a friend who was constantly having sinus problems. Except nothing would ever help until a specialist finally started treating her for migraines. I think she takes a low dose of a blood pressure medication now, and it's cleared up that stuffy, headachy feeling.
162. Victoria said:
Dude, I was so hoping that the poop was somehow magically chocolate!
163. poundgrayly said:
To echo two previous posters, crate training is wonderful. I don't remember if you said you were doing that with Coco or not. Worked wonders with our Golden.
To all of you who wondered "why have dogs", we lost our Golden to cancer in July after twelve wonderful years. The incidents that are the stuff of blog posts now won't matter when you can't hold her anymore.
164. shelly trapped in iowa said:
I am laughing so hard and desperately trying to hold back making my own fresh puddle of urine to step in as my husband, who is studying for board exams because he is one of those doctor nerds, tries to figure out what the hell is so funny.
Great post! Made my day.
165. heighlo said:
I haven't read through all the comments so i am hoping that all before haven't made the same comment so I annoy.
My dog - now 10 yrs. old and who is presently snoring loudly in the background like a fat old man - had a bad series of urinary tract infections as a pup which caused her to pee in the house right after I had taken her out to go. And after she had been pretty well trained so I was like WHAT? It took me a while to figure it out. I nearly killed her and myself during that time. Urinary infections are really common in girl puppies. It was a frustrating beginning of our lives but an easy solution. I let her live. Now when I am really lucky, she spoons with me.
As to the poop story - that made me laugh though what a nightmare for you all. My pup used to roll in goose poop when we were at my parents house. Hell to clean.
166. alivicwil said:
34. Roberto Boone -- Not all dogs know how to shit cleanly.
Our Jack Russell x Maltese constantly gets shit all over the fur surrounding his arse. It's horrible. We cut the fur back regularly to keep it short, but he still manages to get shit all over it.
Once, I went away for the weekend, slept Sunday night, worked Monday and came home to find the poor bastard trying to shit, but not able to. His arsehole was sealed with (mostly-)dry poop.
I do not enjoy having to wrestle my dog into the laundry sink so I can scrub/cut poo from his bum-fur. (He doesn't appreciate it, either.) Many times I have yelled at him, "Either learn to shit properly, or wipe your arse!"
167. Julie said:
I'm feeling a little better now. last yer we got a a Scottish terrier puppy to keep our nine year old Scottie company. I lasted exactly four months before I went crazy and Moose went to live with a nice lady who had more patience than I. I think she also had poop colored carpet.
168. Eleanors Trousers said:
Dude. I totally left my ex because the dog wouldn't get trained. You can only live in a toilet for so long. I'm glad you're a better woman then me.
169. Nikki said:
I rarely laugh out loud while I am reading. But this. This had me roaring. The "it-wasn't-me-jumping-Leta" is what did me in. OMG! Hilarious.
On a more serious note... i hope the nerd can fix Jon.
170. kim at allconsuming said:
I love you.
That is all.
171. Anonymous said:
Man, I read all these posts and MY GOD do the internets kiss your ass heather. Does your husband get jealous? I know I am...Are you drunk with power?
172. Lisa said:
Yeah, try this one.... my 12 year old dog who decided a couple weeks ago he wants to try being diabetic now, woke me up last night because as he was sleeping on the cool tile floor in the master bath he had an accident and peed everywhere. The gross part is the thing that woke me up was the sound of his big lab tongue LICKING IT ALL UP.
173. peg said:
just wanted to let you know what a wonderful writer you are. i've been looking around at a lot of blogs lately with the intention of starting one of my own. it's hard to do what you do. you are funny, smart, cynical, occasionally selfish and irritating, and quite talented. thank you for sharing your life with so many people. you continue to surprise me and take my breath away.
174. Stacy said:
OMG I *love* the spenoid bone... I study physical anthropolgy, though, so I think I'm supposed to. To me it always sounded like a word that Wayne Campbell would use to describe a boner.
175. Anonymous said:
this STORY was a total riot! HAH!
176. Stephanie said:
What hymn did they sing? “Because I have been given much†or “I heard him come� Did they display a bed quilt and your wedding china?
177. Dennis said:
I suggest, instead of "pawing at the door" getting a little bell and tying it to the end of a ribbon and hanging it from the door knob. we got our neurotic little pup to hit the bell w/ her nose when she had to "do her business" and she took to it pretty quick. You can hear the bell bell from upstairs, downstairs, wherever, to avoid accidents. Cesar Milan would be proud.
178. pogonip said:
I'm laughing hysterically at another great dog story. I didn't think you could top the backyard Coco chase in the snow, but you did! Surprise twist #1: Chuck was the culprit. Surprise twist #2 (besides the "#2" that prompted the whole post) Leta jumping on the sofa proclaiming her innocence. Oh my!
And at this point I won't say anything about my son's little golden who apparently came house-broken at 5 weeks and my relaxed 3 days of puppysitting...
BTW, loved Leta's spashing video--so sweet and so dotingly parental. She's a little bigger now, but still has those stunning eyes and darling pixie face.
179. kg said:
OMG, I laughed so hard at your post that I was afraid I was going to wake up the baby. When you said you weren't thinking clearly because you were dead, I lost it. Good stuff.
Since misery loves company in these matters, I'll just tell you that our home is not devoid of poopy pet problems - but we're at the other end of the spectrum with an old, senile dog. Just something for you to look forward to.
Also, must add that the vid of Leta in the sink is ADORABLE! I know exactly what you mean about the allure of a chubby baby. I'm in awe if my baby boy is just lying on his tummy staring at the cat under the coffee table.
180. Sinus Sufferer said:
I feel Jon's pain... Whenever the weather changes, my sinuses are affected by the pressure variations, and I get migraines. I've been using a sinus irrigating system called a neti pot, and it has worked miracles (SinuCleanse, or something like that, available at your local drugstore). Even if it doesn't help Jon, at least it'll be entertaining for YOU to watch! :o)
181. Noemi said:
Dude, that sucks.
182. bonzai said:
Oh my...this reminded me of when I had a 3 month old fox terrier, and I smelled the familiar odor in my room but could not for the life of me find the source! I finally got down and crawled around the floor until I stumbled upon my new, very expensive brown shearling slippers which had been used as a puppy potty. They hit the trash pronto and dear little smoothie was not allowed in my room for a good month.
And he never did get much better - he was what one of my vets called a 'finger painter'. Whenever left alone, he created fecal artwork for us. YUCK.
183. Aimless said:
I'm so sorry that Chuck wandered around your house like me. Really. What a CRAPPY way to spend two hours. But your way of telling tales is priceless.
184. Tina said:
Is it possible to get your hubby to potty train my dog? It might alleviate some of my stress!
We exchanged white carpet for hard wood floors. Yeah, it really doesn't matter though. A poopy paw print is a poopy paw print.
185. whitetrashmom said:
All the dog books LIE OUT THEIR ASSES. In the dog book about Labs, they don't tell you that your Lab puppy will eat your shingles off your house, eat drywall, lightbulbs as well as their own poop. When I called the vet in panic, he told me "Oh that's just LABS"! I am so sorry for you and your house. I've given up on our hardwood floors as our pug won't go outside to pee unless it's 70, sunny with a slight breeze. Just move to a doublewide and get it over with.
186. Heathyr said:
This story was good, but then you drew Leta into the picture- jumping up and down on the couch, basking in her moment of pride that she didn't poop and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I can SO see her doing that.
187. Natalie said:
Get a cat. They poop in boxes, cover it up, and still manage to track shit all over the place.
Clean animals, my ass.
188. amy said:
Get a crate for her. Keep her in crate for times you cannot be totally there for her. Immediately after letting her out of crate take her outside for bodily function reduction. Praise. (Oh and make sure where she relieves her bowels/bladders is somewhere you WANT her to go. Big mistake on my part for getting pup in winter. 'Sure, hell it is OUTSIDE, do it right by our front steps! Yeah! That a girl!")
After pup pees/poops where you want her to praise and play. Then crate. Yeah, yeah cruel (or not) but pup learns some routines and you are not constantly worried where she is defecating.
If only I had done this with my kids ;) (Yeah, KIDDING! But not about the puppy training part! Having pup on leash or crate is the way to go from the start.)
But who the hell am I telling this to? The woman who has a nose/head balancingjustabouteverything dog. :)
189. Lynn said:
my friend has two dogs, one of which i make really nervous, (who knew i was so alpha that they actually listen to me rather than their owners) to the point that one day when i was holding him he peed on my boob. (awesome?)
the dog is at least a year old now and i still step in pee spots on her carpet. fresh pee. usually barefoot or in my socks. i hate it too as her house is one of those where you have to take your shoes off at the front door. i want to ask her "why do you force me to endure this harassment?!?" shoes are the only barrier i have between my feet and her dog's pee, and i like my feet to smell nice, or at least not of dog pee.
kudos to John for maintaining your sanity when Coco would have it otherwise.
190. Brigette said:
But have you ever had this happen to you? Have you ever tracked poop into someone's house? Let's just say that you're, oh, 16 years old, and the people you are hanging out with are your boyfriend's friends- people you desperately want to be accepted by. And the hostess of the party has OCD parents who are fanatical about their white carpet. Imagine this scenario. Then imagine said hostess running around like crazy trying to find out who tracked the POOP into her house, all the while freaking out about her parents seeing the massive amounts of poop on the carpet. Then let's say that she tracks the poop, private eye style, to your 16 year old mortified foot. (You figured it out 10 minutes ago but certainly weren't going to say anything. I mean, of all the places to step, why did you step in the poop?! why, god, whyyyy?! ) Imagine that. That's how I felt 9 years ago. And that's how Chuck felt when you tracked the poop to his smelly foot. But don't worry. He'll think it's funny in 9 years. Just like I do. Because stepping in poop and tracking it all over someone's house and then watching them freak out is incredibly funny in hindsight.
191. Landfrau said:
like your sense of humour,and just calm down,Australian Shepherds are smart, I own one,he even speaks German!
192. Rosie said:
I am sure in no time at all she will be brewing the morning coffee for you, then it will all seem worth while!
193. ebushe said:
Hi
About 4 weeks ago I woke at 4:30 am to let my recently ill dog out. He had gone through kidney stone surgery and was having a hard time holding his pee. Not his fault. Just a side effect of the surgery.
Well, having changed his diet to try and help him control himself better, I made him really sick. And when I got up that morning I promptly found that he had diarrhea in a number of places - most notably in three spots in the living room. On the rug. Next to my live-in-mother-in-law's "chair."
So I spent a couple hours sitting with him to make sure that he was feeling better (he was a MESS) and that he could go outside whenever he wanted.
Then I attacked the messes. And as I cleaned, I found more and more to clean up. The poor guy tried to GET OUT. There were mulitple messes by all three doors to our house, three in the living room, and one somewhere else that seemed random but I am sure made sense to him.
Anyway. It was one of the worst days ever. Mostly because I hadn't thought to stay up with him that night. Oh, guilt. And then having to clean up that amount of diarrhea didn't make it an easy day either.
He is fine now. Thank god.
:)
194. Val Cox said:
Great writing, love your style! Val
195. blondie said:
Your stories and writing are the tops.
Also loved the bell-ringing dog. "Ahem. I'd like a little service, please."
When we were trying to train our puppy, his name was temporarily changed to "Stink poop pee."
196. Pink said:
I didn't read all of the comments; however, I wanted to tell you a trick that worked with my dog when house training.
To avoid scratch marks on the doors and door frames from paws, go to Hobby Lobby or the like and buy a medium-sized jingle bell. Tie it to a ribbon or piece of leather to it. Then tie it to the door knob so that it reaches about nose level to the dog.
It's a Pavlovian trick. Each time the door opens, the bell rings. The dog will then learn to ring the bell when he or she wants to go outside.
197. chere said:
yup the bells are your ticket. we have 3 dogs and 1 cat and they all ring them. funny thing is the cat was the easiest to train.
I hear one of them right now - gotta go!
198. Anonymous said:
Some new music for you: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendI...
199. BOSSY said:
Yup, been there done that. Bossy thinks it's not so much about House-breaking as it is about Mind-bending.
200. Zoe said:
I have a little old lady dog (14+) and she needs to go out A LOT, and even then sometimes I think she gets confused about in and out. We'll spend half an hour outside and then she poops as soon as we go back inside... Or, better yet - we've been carrying her up and down the stairs to the front door, and sometimes she poops in mid-air (yes, then there is a poop trail on the stairs). I carry her under my arm like a handbag but my husband hoists her up in both arms, and sometimes the mid-air poop winds up on his jeans. He gets so upset but I'm a terrible person because I think it's hilarious!
201. Karen said:
Not cute poopy polka dots, but just imagine this sad story...
We own a lovely little B&B... One morning, our adult (non-aussie) sheppard loses control of his bowels, upstairs, right in front of our paying guests bedroom door. Only, I don't discover it... no, no, I was in the kitchen; cooking breakfast of course! 'Oh, good morning' I say as my guests arrive in the dinning room... They say - Ummm, excuse me, I think your dog ummm...... well he pooped. Upstairs. We almost stepped in it.
Shoot me. Mortified doesn't cover it. I think I might have fainted or maybe had a seizure.
Can't remember what I said. What's appropriate? "So, would an extra serving of bacon help you forget about it? It's the dog's favorite..."
Turned out my dog was pretty sick and my guests were very *understanding*. But imagine inflicting that vacation memory!?
I feel your nauseated, carpet scrubbing, panicked, grossed out pain.
202. Kate said:
I've been reading you forever and loving every post, but this is my first comment. I just had to tell you how much you make me laugh--like, hysterically by myself in my empty apartment... Thank you so much for the continuous entertainment!
Kate
203. James (Double Danger) said:
So...
A sphenoid bone walks into a bar, says to the pterygoid - why such the long face?!
ok... I googled it, and picked bone close by, I have no clue either.
204. William said:
Let me add an amen for the neti pot. Seems totally crazy, but helped me immensely.
I used to have vicious sinus headaches regularly, and now they're pretty rare and less intense. I also sleep better, as I can breathe better at night.
205. Tynes said:
You haven't lived until you are sniffing your child's head to find out, "Is that nutella or poop?"
206. sravana said:
Word: concerning the late-night pooping - if you don't crate train her, she'll never learn to hold it through the night (ask my parents how I know this).
Get a crate, acclimate her to it, and put her in it at night. They say that dogs won't soil in their beds, so hopefully Coco won't, either. She'll learn to hold it through the night - dogs can do that *much* *quicker* than children!
BTW - you're one hilarious woman! I don't think I would've had the ability to get through all the cleaning up - yikes! You poor thing!
207. crystal said:
I once smeared the wall and my mums hair with my own poop when i was 3 years old. My mum had a big fit when she woke up from the smell. Be glad that Leta isnt like that!
208. The Lisa Show said:
Super. I can almost smell it. Laughed out loud at Leta's reaction. Of course the darling girl deserves a trophy.
209. Gigi said:
Amazing. Amazing.
My dog Bandit, throughout the first several years that we had him, had a particular poop fetish we couldn't seem to get rid of. I mean, you can't really blame him for doing it, because we often called him dumb--because he truly did appear to have less than a full box of crayons, if you know what I mean--and maybe it was his way of laughing at how we all thought he was so stupid...
When he had to poop, often, instead of going to the back door and scratching, as he did with pee, he would sneak into the most elaborately decorated part of the house--the dining room--and find a dark brown spot on the red and brown oriental rug. And, right there, on that small brown spot where no one could see it, he'd take a dump.
The way we would find this was usually a day or two later when we stepped into it or accidentally kicked it on our way through the dining room.
By then he was pulling a "what, I don't even remember doing that?" act. And there wasn't much you could do to punish him after three days would pass.
210. Bluestalking Reader said:
Wowzers, I left you a comment a few weeks ago or so saying I so thought you SHOULD get another dog, adding to the general opinion that seemed inclined that way. Now look at you, on your hands and knees scrubbing the floors.
Whoops.
Well, if it makes you feel better, I adopted two stray cats late last year and one of them vomited spaghetti and sauce all over the carpeting in my son's room. And we know tomato sauce does not come out.
Neither will the image of vomited spaghetti.
211. A Seattleite in Paris said:
Perhaps cats would be a less stressful pet choice...
212. Tracey said:
Dear God, aren't dogs a handful? I have one and would take three cats to one dog any day! Once he croaks, no more pooches for me. The other day I picked up 3.5 pounds of dog crap. And yes, I really did weigh it.
213. Barb said:
Just think how much bigger those polka dots would have been if you'd gotten that hippo you wanted for Christmas...
214. Angela said:
This has become my new best friend since having kids and pets:
http://www.amazon.com/Bissell-1200B-SpotBot-Hands-Free-Compact/dp/B000AS...
It's AWESOME. It cleaned stuff that I thought for sure was a goner.
215. Diana said:
Wonderfully well written...and oh so funny! We have a mini Aussie that looks alot like Coco, her name is Sheba and she's lucky to have survived her puppyhood! Not just the slow potty training, but she wants to take every item inside the house out into the yard, I have no idea why.
216. Anonymous said:
Oh, thank heaven for dooce!
We adopted an "easy-going, super friendly, kid-oriented" mutt 8 weeks ago, and sufficeth to say she is none of these things and I, too, have felt imprisoned and capable of drowning small, furry animals.
The fact that you can make me laugh about it makes it seem like I might actually survive until she is a sane dog. That will happen someday, right?
217. Pokey said:
I have a half Austrail Shepard, half black lab and everyone told me how smart this dog would be and guess what I was just like you so I symathize with you on the hell that is house training a dog. I was finally able to do it with a kennel but I tried the other methods for a while before I figured out that my way wasn't working. But now she is 2 years old and the smartest dog I have ever owned and I love her very much! But it took 2 long years for her to calm her ass down and for me to love her.
218. Laura said:
3 words - Bissell SpotBot Pet. That thing is the shit! Fill the little holder with water and cleaner. Set it on the poop spot. Push "surface stain." Walk away. Listen for beep. Pick it up. Put it on next poop stain. Repeat.
And IT WORKS!!
I was thinking of getting a mini Aussie. Maybe waiting until December is a good thing. I can forget all the stuff you just wrote by then. :oD
219. happy45 said:
My pom-terrier(11 lbs) taught himself to use the cat's litterbox. I'm pretty sure he thought he was a cat too. But then he got sick this past spring. His medication made him pee a lot and off and on diarria. I gave up and bought lots of puppy training pads.
and just put them all over. He was good about going on them. But I'd also have to clean his poor little butt. Finally, right before Christmas, he got worse and I had to..you know. I'd rather still be cleaning up poop. He was 13.
220. Michelle said:
I've been reading you for a few years now and I just love your style in expressing your humble life. I am sitting here enjoying my glass of red wine with my one hershey's kiss and my heart rate went up from following your footsteps in poop. Thank dog there is no way to put poop scents on the internet or some new way to interpret smell via a link because I know that this place would be a rolling rumble of 'dog biscuits' and 'tub bubbles' and 'snoring storms' and who knows what else if GEORGE! was still in the house...?
221. Lisa said:
DOUBLE amen for the neti pot. Between it and a chiropractor who took this gadget called an "activator" and shot the spring loaded thing against the outside of my face where your sinus cavities are, I managed to cure my HORRIBLE sinus infection without having to go to a "real" doc for antibiotics. I highly recommend using one for anyone with sinus problems or allergies!! And it's not as scary as it looks once you have tried it once!
222. Kari said:
The bad news is, you can have them totally housebroken, go without incident for months, and then notice a big puddle of pee by the back door one day, for no good reason.
Ah, but yes, I know the trail of the poopy paws. You clean forever, think you're done, and then see a speck of poop at the other end of the room and feel like, oh mother of crap, it's everywhere. The poop is everywhere. I'll never be rid of it.
223. jhong said:
Nice =) I love d0gs. They are adorable!
224. Lisa said:
two hundred and twenty four!! YES!!
I wish I could spell how hard I laughed at "how crazy is this? Treats everywhere"
225. Missy k said:
I read this right after I finsihed cleaning the rug where our cat had pooped. If someone will agree to take the house off my hands -- cat, rug, and all -- I might give it away at this point!
226. Kayla said:
Heather,
Your blog rocks so much. I especially love how deeply and honestly you speak about depression. I would love for you to come and check out my journey when Coco is not making you insane :)
www.100daysinbed.blogspot.com
xo
227. Janet said:
Oh I hate when that happens. I dont have a dog, but people would let their dogs poop on our lawn ---- especially in the fall amongst the leaves that havent been raked yet!!!!! Would seem like I wouldnt discover what happened until AFTER I got back in the house from clearing the leaves.
228. Mel said:
My Mom always said things could be worse.....
3 crazy boys, 2 dogs, 3 cats, and a TV recently fingerpainted with my son's poo (hey, at least he put it in a dish first), I'm starting to think I am the worse.
I feel your pain.
229. lewlew said:
I'm probably only commenting because it's the ONLY time comments weren't closed...
You're all freaking me out. We're supposed to get a new puppy next month, and I just got used to the fact that all my kids are out of diapers and done pooping on the floor. Shit.
230. janethesane said:
Wow, sounds like a poopy fun time. I totally would have smelled the paws too. It is important to assign blame at times like these.
231. Kayleigh said:
Dooce .. I <3 you.
You remind me distinctly of my mother. At her house are two dogs, a six or seven-year-old Akita/Malamute/German shepherd/shithead mix, and a downsized three or four-year-old black lab. Going outside is a dangerous thing at her house, for when they come in, there's always mud on their paws. Always.
My mother is probably more anal than you (impossible, I realize, but true all the same!) and steam-cleans all of the carpets, uses those wet Swiffers on the kitchen floor (only after running the vacuum over it), then uses a dry Swiffer over said floor (linoleum). Maybe two hours later, if that, the Swiffer-vacuum-Swiffer routine is repeated. This continues until 10 or 11 PM, or until she gives up for the day.
If she didn't work, she would clean her house all day, every day.
I think you two would get along well.
She has also been up in the psych ward, though I was a deal older than Leta at the time (14, I think) and she isn't married.
I think that Leta is an incarnation of me. Only I'm not dead. >:D
232. lynsey said:
so honestly i think every person who owns a dog would appreciate a daily tear off calendar of the faces of dogs as they take a shit--so vulnerable, so funny. i think about it every. single. time. i take my dog outside. his shame could help momma retire.
233. Kristin said:
Wow that is shitty :)
Delurking to tell you I haven't laughed that hard in a while. So thank you and the shitty dog paws. I know you probably get told this a lot, but you are hilarious and inspiring all at the same time :)
234. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Dang girl. I hate dog poop.
235. Em said:
I know exactly how you feel. My cats keep peeing and pooing on my duvet. I will hide it under another blanket and they will dig until they find it. Lately they have had diarrhea. Needless to say I'm single handedly keeping the Dry Cleaners open.
236. CandyApple said:
Non Sequitur Pseudo Haiku:
Yank Sing
Tastebud Zing
Oh Happy Tum Tum
Probably not the best place to post since most of the comments are about dog poop, but comments are closed on the photo - so there.
237. Majik Man said:
My dog one night a long time ago had to go potty real bad. So I let him out of my bed room and as he made his way down stairs I heard a gooey fart and as I rushed out to turn on a light, he was spraying shit as he ran through the carpeted living room, and through the kitchen on the lino floor. I kicked his ass outside and began the 2 hour clean up. I even had to fill up the carpet shampooer. I finally went back to bed at 5am.
238. Stephanie said:
First I almost peed myself reading this post. I am not above sniffing the paw of a dog. There is nothing worse than the crap of a dog in your house.
My husband brought a rescue puppy home from California a few years ago, and then left two days later to go back on a business trip.
The freaking dog came down with giardia and crapped all over my house the entire week. It was the week before Christmas and his grandmother was coming into town from Florida.
I was most pleased, I must tell you.
239. LeFiffre said:
Yes I love doggies, especially Aussie Shepherds, but this post makes me (purr) love my kitty even more. I had not thought it possible.
240. Lori said:
Wow! You are an amazing writer that has certainly captured my interest over the last month or so. To be honest until a few months ago I didn't even know what a blog was. Various people kept telling me that I should start writing one so I started researching it and came across yours and have been hooked ever since. Your honesty and openness are a gift. Thank you! You make me laugh and I appreciate your realness about your life as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend...ect.
241. DangerMonkey said:
Ugh, one of the many reasons I dread having a dog, despite my husband (and kids') enthusiasm. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. I grew up with an army of them (or whatever you call 6 dogs at once). But the housebreaking is not a good time for anyone.
I'm with you on the paw sniffing though. I've crawled around on hands and knees sniffing various places in my bedroom for the hidden cat poop. It was in the closet, of course. (My youngest cat has issues holding it and occasionally gets accidentally locked in my bedroom. So naturally, he finds a place to poop. Apparently, he feels REALLY guilty about it, so he never poops in an obvious place, forcing me to sniff my way to it. God, I love my life.)
242. Anonymous said:
I read that Australian Shepherds "get their brains in the mail" at a later date, if that helps.
243. Anonymous said:
I can certainly relate to this posting and the puppy pooping. We have two puppies, one is housebroken and one isn't. I think the small breeds are much more difficult to train. And they hate cold weather! So of course they don't want to do their duty outside. We love them both and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (we hope) Good luck with Coco! (thank you for the good laugh on a Sunday morning)
244. Been there, done that said:
We had the poopy prints thing happen to us, too. Only it was paint. Blue paint. Bright blue paint. On the carpet. Down the hall and through the living room. Then we got Pergo. Ohhhhhh, Pergo. My non-porous, easy-to-clean lover.
245. Anonymous said:
Leta's reaction reminded me of my daughter's frequent reactions, only the nature of them are quite different, she's freaking out because she thinks I actually think she did it, when it's obvious she didn't and I'm referring to someone else, like her brother...
and dogs in general remind me of my son...
so I felt compelled to post a blog about it, and used your quote about Leta. I credited and linked back to you though.
246. LynzM said:
OMG, dude, I could *not* deal with dog housebreaking. Holy crap, literally. I'm glad that Jon's been able to make progress with that.
I'm gonna add another crunchy hippy recommendation for a neti pot. Look up Jalaneti online, they have good, big metal ones. It makes a *huge* difference in how you feel, and is a cheaper and easier thing to try for a few weeks than sinus surgery (since my husband has gone both routes...) Good luck to Jon, hope he feels better soon.
247. Jenn said:
I feel your pain really.. and I am also starting to wonder if dogs do this just to piss us off.. it seems the only time either of mine make a mess is RIGHT after I have cleaned the floors!
248. stuperb said:
My Aussie *definitely* used to make messes (and eat my shoes) just to make me mad.
On the other hand, he could follow multi-step directions.
It's all about the tradeoffs :)
249. Bye Bye, Pie! said:
And THAT is why I tied my tubes and got cats.
250. Anonymous said:
Oh I am laughing so hard! I am so sorry about your floors.
Speaking of e.coli flooring issues, I had a total LAME-O MAMA moment last week when I let my second baby go bare-ass nekkid around the house because she has a bit of a rash on her ass and WHAT'S THE WORST THE COULD HAPPEN? I was so self-righteous with myself, too, I said, "Urine is sterile, people! Look at me throwing caution to the winds!" We've got mostly hardwood floors anyway.
Mostly except for the wool carpet in the living room where the baby took a turd on her own heel and dragged that turd heel over, around and into that rug and the toys on the rug. Also? The hardwood floor? Has groooooves in it. Now with groooves of turd. And then my husband came home and I had a toothbrush in the turd grooooove and was laughing and crying and the children were off in another room (we have so many!) playing because they are little. And little people do not clean up turd. We don't DO TURD, Mama. We just makes it.
UG! Turd! On heel! And this is my SECOND BABY.
AndnowIamfinishedmystorythankyouverymuch.
251. The Girl from the Ghetto said:
Nothing is more scarier than a turd on your floor. Once, my girlfriend told me a horror story of her husband finding a missing turd of hers, and to this day it still makes me want to gag.
252. Jet Piston said:
I have always loved the sphenoid. Especially the great wing of sphenoid.
253. Susan said:
This made me laugh out loud! Which is a good thing because my lab Roxy has been very ill and is actually still in the critical care vet hospital. Thanks for making me smile Heather.
254. Melissa said:
Poochie Bells. That is the only thing that worked for us. It took about 3-4 weeks for her to catch on to the process but she is 10 months now and uses them everytime she has to go out. Check out their site. http://www.doodlecountry.com/poochiebells.html
Hope it helps I know how frustrating the whole housebreaking process is.
255. Anonymous said:
Give up! Embrace the chaos! It is the only way you are going to get off the meds, chickadee. Re-f*cking-lax.
Newsflash: it doesn't matter if your floors aren't spotless. No one is going to die. The world isn't going to cave in.
Life is chaotic - you are only deluding yourself if you think otherwise - but we humans (women in particular) like to think that we have control by imposing an unnatural order.
All that obsessive cleaning some women do? Completely unecessary. Humans weren't meant to live in a germ-free environment swimming with chemicals.
256. Scott said:
Two things -
1) worse than poopy paw prints throughout the house is actually STEPPING in puppy poop at 3 in the morning in bare feet, not realizing it's puppy poop (thought it was just a little puddle of cold water), getting back into bed, THEN realizing that it is in fact puppy poop, having to get back up, clean puppy poop out from between toes, wake wife up, explain that you've tracked puppy poop into bed, have her get out of bed, put new sheets on bed, make sure no lingering puppy poop remains between toes, and get back into bed.
2) for reasons that remain unknown, both our dogs feet smell like natcho-flavoured doritoes. I can't explain it, nor do I probably want to.
257. Scott said:
To clarify my previous point #2 - we have two dogs who have four feet each, meaning a total of 8 feet smelling of doritos. The original, upon re-reading, implied that we have one dog with only two feet.
258. Fern said:
Scott:
I was going to write about the SAME thing! My poor greyhound Hudson had to have his anal sacs (don't ask if you don't know) removed and during recovery couldn't really tell when he had to go. My husband was away on business -- as he always is during a crises.
So I spent 4 days and nights spreading sheets around rooms Hudson was confined to and doing wash after wash while trying to work, etc. I was up most of each night. And exhausted and pretty emotionally worn out from seeing my poor pup in pain.
After getting back into bed one night my foot was 'wet,' and I realized I had stepped in it. We can pick up on your story from there...
2. Also, yes -- some kind of snack food. We think doritos.
259. dlyn said:
Nothing like a malordorous paw to do one in - it is way better when they smell like Fritos.
260. deb said:
You've convinced me to wait to get that third dog I've been craving. Thank you.
261. piglet said:
i'm feeling ya on it. we recently "came into" another puppy. i tend to get obsessed with only the *thought* of pee and poop.
i feel like lady macbeth, "out, damn'd spot! out, i say!"
262. Meg said:
hmm... and here i was thinking i wanted to get a puppy.. ;)
Jon might want to try Xlear (http://www.xlear.com/xlear/). I've got a lotta sinus issues and some allergy problems and this has kept me clearer and sinus infection free for sometime. I'd tried the Neti pot and I found it too much.
263. Polly said:
Lamb-and-rice kibble in the doggie bowl binds doggie bowels.
Then you really do have turdlets. The real kind, hopefully outside.
264. Gillian said:
Corgis are smart, too, but I sure didn't see it in our pup until just recently. We got him at 2 months, but didn't actually start to like him until he was about 6 months old. It was 4 months of - holy crap (literally crap), what have we gotten ourselves into? Can we change our minds? But now have come the golden days of poop and pee free home, and learning tricks, and cuddling on the couch. He's 8 months now and a total genius and I love him and I think Coco will get there, too! It's worth it!
265. Cassy said:
I absolutely know where you're coming from but I deal with these things with the 3 cats that we have... they're all older then 4 and for some reason one of them just LOVES to shit on our kitchen floor... daily. but not each time he shits, no, just mainly in the morning so I can enjoy the smell first thing before my coffee.
I also have the daily joy of cleaning up cat vomit from every surface imaginable - couch cushions, kitchen counter, kitchen table, carpets, chairs, my flip flops, my pillow, my roommate's pillow, all over my bed. They're just showing their love. We've tried different foods and for some reason they just love to vomit (and I don't know if mine are the only ones who do this but they do this walking and vomiting deal so there's a lovely path of vomit throughout the apartment, much like the polka dots of poo through your house- except probably not as vile).
Another of my cats also decided it'd be fun to wipe his ass all over the carpet outside of my bedroom.. when I had the flu. My roommate had to run and clean that up before I added to the mess. Gotta love your pets!!
Must add how much I love your blog - I have to close my office door when I read everyday because so often you make me laugh so hard I can't stop! As much as I'd like to get out of this office I don't want to leave in a lovely white coat!
266. Spurious Plum said:
Sphenoid sinuses are pretty funny. They're shaped like butterflies.
267. firefly said:
We have 5 cats who only occasionally make messes, but when they do, oy weh. Most recently our oldest male, a Siamese who occasionally pees so much in the litter pan he gets a back paw wet, managed to pee all over both his back feet. And what do you do when your feet are wet? Why, you run around as fast as you can hoping air speed will dry them off, naturally. Leaving a trail that started out as plaster-cast pawprints in clay in front of the litter pan, to long smeary streaks that looked like a floor diagram of the foxtrot in the dining room, to little round pawprints on the hardwood steps all the way to the bedroom door, where the trail just stopped. Just like that. I guess by then the pee had evaporated, so the rampage was over.
What I really hate is finding this kind of thing before I've even had a chance at a cup of coffee. Just what you want to stare at first thing with your bleary eyes.
As a recommend, though, definitely get something that has enzymes and friendly bacteria in it that will digest whatever you can't pick up with cleaning solutions. I once had a just-adopted stray cat (who had a major E.coli infection in her kidneys) pee clear through a papasan cushion and this enzyme stuff (it's called Simple Solutions where I buy it) actually rescued the cushion completely.
268. Deb said:
It's just that I can't feel too sorry for you.
Not after scooping my daughter's poop out of the bathtub earlier this month, when she'd been sitting on it for about 10 minutes, getting it good and soggy, and completely unscoopupable.
Then, some of it settled in the nooks and crannies of her bath toys, getting nice and crusty until I discovered it a few days later.
Of course, I had to throw everything out.
But your story is gross too.
269. Alexis said:
crying i am laughing so hard. you are a fabulous writer!
270. eva said:
Too funny! That's why I went out and got me a dog reputed to be on the dumber end of the spectrum ... he may not learn things too quickly but my dear he is REPULSED by shit. His own or that of others. Walks around puddles to avoid mud just because it looks like shit. Has definitely never allowed any to sully his pretty-boy paws.
271. Kristina said:
Piece de resistance: Leta's reaction. I laughed so hard at your expense my eyes started to tear. Don't stop writing. Ever. You either succeed in making me feel infinitely better by comparison, or insanely jealous for not being able to share the madness of my own life with others as brilliantly as you do.
272. Karin said:
Australian shepards are smart and crafty lil sh*ts.
My parents have a Aussie mix...you know what she can do? do you?
She can open the refridgerator door and help herself to food in the fridge. Yep.
She also lets you know when she has to potty though she has this pittiful howly bark....I cant really type what it sounds like but I can mimic it really well lol. She is staying with us right now while my father recovers from a 3 week hospital stay....
We have FOUR 50+ lb dogs in our house right now...fun fun! Our husky has the same howly bark type thing going on.
As for deathly stench we had an episode of that the other day with our lab mix. Her body didnt really like the copious amounts of incredibly rich cat food she sneaked when we had the gate down....oh lord the stench of that diarrhea encased living room was enough to well knock you out and make you choke to death.
273. Anonymous said:
Please!! More dog photos. Love Chuck! Love Coco! Please. More. Pics.
Thank you!