Daydreaming of palm trees
So I hop into the shower at about 6 PM last night in preparation for dinner guests who would be over in less than a half hour. That's my way of showing people I really care about them, taking the time to bathe — well, that's one way. If you show up to my house and one, my hair is washed or two, I make fun of the way you say "concrete," then you can pretty much assume that I'd give you a kidney if you really needed one.
Jon is upstairs on Leta duty, and when I step out of the shower I find Coco pacing the hallway with a bone in her mouth. I rightly assume that she needs to be let outside, and not wanting to interfere with the wrangling Jon is having to do upstairs I walk to the backdoor, open it quickly, and nudge the puppy into the backyard. A blast of icy air rushes inside, and the water that is beading on my naked body freezes instantly. I briefly consider what it would be like to move back to Southern California where it is currently 70 degrees, the kinds and quantities of illegal drugs we'd have to sell in order to pay the mortgage, how it would be worth it if we got caught and had to serve time in a prison near the ocean.
As I turn to head back to the bathroom I see Coco out of the corner of my eye, and she is hunched over in a ball at the far end of the yard, and she is eating a pile of her own feces. And as you might imagine, this is totally unacceptable, so unacceptable, in fact, that I am forced to open the door again and yell a slew of very hurtful things that I am not at all proud of. No dog is going to come running if you're projecting that kind of angry energy, I know this, but I'm naked and freezing and my dog is eating poop with the same mouth that she licks my face, YOU CAN FORGIVE ME IF I'M A LITTLE FRAZZLED.
So I grab Jon's winter coat and slip into his size-13 leather clogs (ACK! I can't even type that word without contracting a yeast infection! the burning!), both sitting by the door for the times we have to let the dog outside during the night. And I head out in these two items of clothing to interject some sense of decorum into the world. But when she sees my naked, skinny chicken legs plodding along toward her with the giant clogs poking out on my feet like two awkward, malignant tumors, she goes berserk and starts running circles around the yard. Because she is a demon and hates Baby Jesus.
I should head straight back into the house, but somehow that makes me feel like I'm admitting defeat, and I will not be defeated by a seven-pound SHIT-EATING CRITTER, so I start chasing her. In Jon's clogs. My naked butt barely covered by the bottom of his coat.
I don't know what this scene looks like from the outside, surely insane, a tad bit confusing. The wet hair on my head is freezing into icicles against my ears, and every time I lean down and try to grab Coco the coat flies open and I'm flashing my boobs to the audience of squirrels in the pine trees.
This goes on for ten minutes until she runs to the back door upstairs. Thinking I can intercept her I run in the backdoor downstairs, fly up to the top floor, pass Jon and Leta who are sitting on the couch playing Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii when Leta sees me and starts screaming, "DADDY IS MAKING ME CRY!" Because apparently she made all his Star Bits go away? And these Star Bits are very important? And I guess he takes his Star Bits very seriously? And they must be important OR ELSE WHY WOULD HE YELL AT HIS THREE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF STAR BITS? Jon Armstrong, sometimes you make my brain bleed.
This situation can wait thirty seconds while I retrieve my soon-to-be-roasted-alive puppy, although this doesn't stop Jon from going on about how hard he worked for those Star Bits, there were almost 300 of them, and because Leta pressed the wrong button THEY'RE ALL GONE, but I can't mediate because Coco is just sitting there at the back door, her tail vigorously wagging, like, HI! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, WE SHOULD CATCH UP! As if that whole naked romp through the snow DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
So I swing the door open, grab her before she has a chance to get away, and then walk back into the living room where Leta is still crying and Jon is actively acquiring more Star Bits. And I'm standing there with my parts peeking out the front of this giant coat, a snow-covered puppy wriggling violently in my arms, her poop-scented tongue licking my forehead. Sometimes life is such that it's too much to ask for them all to sit still so that I can take ten seconds and put on a pair of panties.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
306. Zinzy Geene said:
Heather, you are a genius.
I've been reading dooce.com forever, but this entry is SO funny it nearly made me throw my brand new MacBook straight through the window trying to stop my body from shocking with jolts of laughter.
And that's a first.
Thank you for making my daily dooce so much fun. :)
307. andrea said:
Our dog is much to refined to eat his own poop; he prefers to dine on only the finest quality of cat poop, especially if it is well coated in litter.
I just wanted the dinner guests to arrive somewhere in the midst of that whole story, although it was perfectly hilarious without their appearance.
308. akaellen said:
Wait? Coco is only 7 pounds??????
My dog is only 7 pounds but coco looks so much larger in the photos...
How big is Chuck?
We need photos that give us a size reference....
please.
309. Camels & Chocolate said:
And that is precisely why I don't have pets. Or children, for that matter! =)
310. Anonymous said:
My vet says dogs eat poop cause it tastes good. It is not bad for them, it just grosses out our sensibilities. I don't like it, but now, I just sigh...and not let him lick my face.
311. ollka said:
As disgusting as dogs eating poop are, and as frustrating as the whole situation sounds, I still couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Which woke my own dog. Who weighs as much as a baby hippo (sorry), and likes to jump onto me as soon as she wakes up. Aghh.
312. Sarah R said:
I...am laughing so hard I am crying. I had the SAME exact problem with our puppy, and while I'd like to reassure you and say that it went away within a week.. well, it didn't. Sorry. But thanks for giving me the laugh, because that was SO ME six months ago!!!
313. Amanda said:
The reason I loved this post? Because it has shown me that I am not alone when it comes to a dog eating poop and then licking my face. She has eaten her own. She has eaten the cat's. And, even more gross, she has eaten the poop of another dog causing her to get insanely sick. So sick that she threw up in the back of my car all the way to the vet because she had caught a parasite. Why did I adopt her?? Because she's CUTE!
314. Lottifish said:
My day was seriously sucking until this post made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
315. Beverly said:
if you find out how to stop a dog eating poop, let us know. My dog eats cat poop, from feral cats, and then gets ill...but will she stop???Nooooooo, she won't.
316. Eater's Regret said:
I love that this entire blog is about poop, yours, Leta's and now the dogs! I think there was once a John reference too...any follow up stories on that?
317. The Tart said:
Still laughing over here!
What are Star Bits? ... Single Tart here with no kids.
BTW ... Is Coco a Toy, Mini or regular to-be-very-big Aussie?
Warm Texas smooches,
The Tart
; *
318. t-rex said:
I could not stop laughing. I love dogs but I don't like being licked by them and now that I know that they like poo I fear my mom-in-laws dogs. *EW* And then she licked you? EW!
I'm sorry all that happened, but know that this is the stuff that makes us all come time and again (or 15 times a day) to your site.
Hope the guests were pleasant and not early.
319. Mimi Lenox said:
I was with you every freezing step of the way, all the way to the dog poop in the face via the lick and the coat and the star bits and the frazzle and the flashing the squirrels.....This post(and this run-on) wore me out!
Great stuff.
320. Icyonez said:
I'm in love...
321. Emily said:
This happened to me yesterday! Right after I read this! I should have listened!
But it was rain, not snow. And my super furry white puppy was eating some other dogs explosive shit, it got ALL OVER her face and the smell threw me into dry heaves because I'm pregnant.
Or more accurately, the smell would have whether or not I'm pregnant. UGH.
322. Sarah said:
That is an awesome story. And totally sounds like something I would do.
323. pogonip said:
Heather--Love aussies, shit-eating or not. Anytime you need a puppysitter for Coco-Loco, I'm only a little ways (8 hours) west on I-80..I'd offer to adopt, but I know frozen poo isn't gonna entice you to give up the delicious silkiness of an aussie pup. Great post!
324. Anonymous said:
this lady's blog entry reminded me of one of yours: http://jillshalvis.com/blog/page/19/
I’ve been an alien in my oldest teenager’s eyes for oh, about the last few years. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I lost her, somewhere between the advanced reading copies for HER SEXIEST MISTAKE arriving on our doorstep when she had friends over and the time when I accidentally middle named her in front of a boy on her sixteenth birthday.
I embarrass her. Sometimes it’s my clothes (and I still maintain that there’s nothing wrong with sweats and bunny slippers as long as they’re clean!) and sometimes it’s the words I use (apparently calling flip-flop sandals thongs is a federal offense). Other times I embarrass her by just breathing. It’s a little demoralizing really. I mean I was never cool but I was never THIS uncool either . . .
Then the other night I was watching tv and she plopped down next to me, set her head on my shoulder and said “I love you, mommyâ€.
You think you’re prepared for such a heart-tugging statement moment but it’s like someone’s been shooting you with a bb gun every chance they get and then one day they make you chocolate chip cookies, and you’re suddenly glad you didn’t sell them on the white slavery market and move to the Bahamas with no forwarding address.
325. Kappy1 said:
Ahhh, the life of a mom. This is why we don't shower often. The whole house goes to hell in a handbasket the minute you put your head under the water.
326. Jenni said:
Oh my Lord, this is one of the best/funniest things you have ever written. Thank you.
327. Dee said:
All puppies eat their poop. It's totally disgusting, but there you are. They also like to hump your leg. I feel strongly it's God's little joke, like he's saying "Hey, here's the cutest creature alive, but LOOK what nasty things it will do! Isn't that hysterical?!"
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
Russian proverb
Dee
328. Mama West said:
FREAKING HILARIOUS!! I cried when I read this because I was laughing so hard!!
329. Whitney said:
Just wait until she starts the rolling in her own and other dog's poop. Mine does that now.
I will will walk her and she'll be sniffing along the ground. Daintily approach and old pile of poop from another dog who's owner apparently doesn't know that there is a reason we all save our Wal-Mart bags so we can pick that shit up, sniff it, raise one paw in the air ever so elegantly and then violently plop her self down in the poop and start to swim in it.
I thought it had something to do with territory but then I saw her do the same thing in her freshly laid poop at my boyfriend's house.
I have been over at more than one friend's house with Maddie and they ended up giving her a bath because they thought I might drown her in the tub if I had to do it.
She used to eat her own poop and she also eats the most disgusting things (also has a love for the crotch of my dirty panties) but I still let her kiss me on the mouth because she loves me like know other and I love her like no other.
Funny gross dog story: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/115400264.html
330. Krissa said:
You know, now that I've been thinking about it, your story and many of the other stories that have been posted in comments, sound very much like something that would have happened to a character in a Janet Evanovich novel. Specifically, Stephanie Plum. Hilarious!
331. Anonymous said:
So you make enough $ that you & your husband don't have to work running a website that you only post on about 3 times a week? Where do I sign up?? And the latest subject is your dog eating its own shit. NO shit. Where's the talent, here?
332. NOLA fan said:
"Anonymous said:
So you make enough $ that you & your husband don't have to work running a website that you only post on about 3 times a week? Where do I sign up?? And the latest subject is your dog eating its own shit. NO shit. Where's the talent, here?"
Aahhh. There's the hate. I was reading all of the comments waiting for an insane person to anonymously say that wearing clogs makes Heather a bad mother or your dog eats shit because you got it from an evil puppy store or some shit, but instead, after 330 fawning comments, Anon says you have no talent. Right.
Now, I will say the reason Leta has so many temper tantrums is that the weight of her enormous eyelashes keeps her in a constant battle to not tip over... Love her, love you, Heather.
333. BOSSY said:
And what did you make for dinner?
334. Anonymous said:
First I want to say that you CRACK me up! I've only been reading your blog for 3 days but I love it! Also I am aware that you will not likely read this (how could you keep up with all the comments) but I'll go ahead and post it anyway.
While reading your ohhh soo funny story about the poo-lish-us treats your dog was snacking on, I was also watching CBS News Up To The Minute. I like you but don't know you well enough yet to mute the TV while reading. Sorry. Lol!
So anyway, I look up to see a story about a lady that lives in England and her dog named Connie. Not to make your day worse.... But this lady's dog does not eat poo, she does everything that is difficult for her owner! I'm not kidding, she picks things up, gets what the lady asks for, (like her glasses) and even loads the clothes dryer! I hope I'm not rubbing salt in your wound, you have got to see it for your self.
You will see the irony in it I'm sure. Maybe you can teach your poo eating dog to do some of these things to make up for her bad habit! Lol!
http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3720314n?sou...
335. SayYesh said:
Best. post. ever.
336. kim at allconsuming said:
so what was for dinner?