I have been on prozac for the past two years and the difference to my life has been amazing. I live my life now. Before prozac I was existing. I'm ashamed of my problem. Only my husband knows I am on medication. My parents don't know. I feel ashamed that I couldn't cope with life. Such a stigma attached to mental illness.

I know there are a thousand comments here but I wanted to say what a beautifully written description of the hell that is depression and that we have to let our mindsets go so that we can truly receive peace. Here's to daily meds!

Hi Heather,

I too suffered from depression when I was 38 after the birth of my fourth child. The thing about depression is that sometimes we don't recognize it in ourselves. It often takes others to point it out to us.

I think this post of yours about your own depression is an excellent way to use your site as a platform to explain the pros of looking after our mental health. Well done you crazy lady!!

Thank you for being so honest and direct. By reading this it felt like there was a mirror in front of me and I had finally looked into it. And guess what, you've made me feel less awful about needing help. Thank you.

It's exactly right. If you had high blood pressure, you'd take medication (obviously if it were required) and not give it a second thought.

I don't understand it either. People are quite happy to admit they are taking medication for a,b,c & d - but OMG - mention D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N - and all of a sudden it's taboo and scary to *gasp* even ADMIT you have it.

It's stupid and it's wrong. Yay for you in your approach. If more people thought the way we did; there'd be less to be worried about.

Heather,

Thank you for your unflinching post about depression.

=john=

Never posted here before dooce, although I love your stuff. Just wanted to add another "damn right" to everything you just said.

I'm on meds for depression, and my fiance is getting treated for bipolar, and we have a good friend who is clearly profoundly depressed and has exactly that attitude of "it's just me, I'm destined to be unhappy, I should just learn to live with it".

We both try really hard to tell her, you know, maybe you should see someone, because it wasn't always like this was it? And also try really hard not to yell at her to just take some drugs already.

I love your writing. Also, you have ace taste in music. Keep it up.

Ben
London, UK

I wish my mother had read this post. It might have changed her mind about so many things. After four years of hospitals, drugs, very high ups and really down lows, she killed herself in February. But I'll keep this around to remind me that there is hope. Thank you Heather.

Your post made me cry because I am on the same fence many people sit on because they're too afraid to get help or too proud. I am the mother of an 11-month old who isn't getting the best of me, or even the 'good' of me right now and I've been meaning to take my ass back to the doctor, hold out my hand, in which he'll place a prescription to get me working again. You're fortunate that your mom believed you. No one in my family would believe me and they don't know. This post motivates me to go today. Thank you.

Eloquently put. I'd also like to add that I appreciate you opening up the comments here... I was glad to read some of the voices of other people as well on this.

You go girl. My mom is a mental health professional, and I have never been able to fathom why people would think seeking out help was a bad thing. When my eldest daughter was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes - we ALL needed help. Especially my formerly extremely confident 8 year old who started having panic attacks, and claustrophobia.

Help from a counselor, who also had Type I Diabetes, who taught her skills to calm herself when she felt a panic attack coming on helped her to overcome 90% of the situations that were causing those attacks, and she is an extremely successful High School student now - with her Diabetes under excellent control (and she does 99% of her own care at this point) and very, very few panic attacks.

It helped me too - because my daily shower had turned into my daily cry - because I didn't want her to see me lose it.

Thanks for being another public voice saying "It's OK to seek help".

Thank you for articulating what so many of us feel on a daily basis. I'm someone who's terrified to take medication so I suffer silently. I've tried and been on many medications, some that have helped. Unfortunately, I was prescribed one that caused a seizure and scared me too bad to ever take any more medication for depression/anxiety.
I can relate to your friend who maybe is just too scared. There are so many what-ifs and unknowns that come with a "diagnosis" and "prescriptions" and "therapy" that sometimes we're just too frozen with fear to take a step in that direction. And sometimes, we come to embrace the anxiety and depression because it's all we know and it's where we feel safe. At least the anxiety and depression are consistent and we know what to expect because we can't remember what it feels like to be happy and content.
Thank you again for reaching out.

Hi Heather,

My sister turned me onto your website. She was/is concerned about my struggles with depression and anxiety. I too was a bitch from hell. I had been stuck in my house for months and was unduly cruel to her. For this I am deeply sorry. KIKI I mean YOU.

I am currently going through an “intensive outpatient” treatment cycle. I love Zoloft and had a nice cocktail of it and Wellbutrin. I was the shit! Self-sufficient and everything. Then I lost my health coverage and everything went to hell…and fast. This is my second cycle of major depression \, this time with severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I now have a good cocktail of Wellbutrin and Neurontin. It works well for keeping “less loony” and the chronic pain I live with, along with the pain of being actively symptomatic.

I can’t believe how brave I believe you are. Lots of people are terrified of mental illness. Like they would be less of who they are. But in reality the dysregulation in their life is pummeling who they really are. I use the therapies and medications as skill sets to learn to “live a live worth living”. Ah DBT. No footnotes but the credit goes to Marsha Lenahan and my shrink posse and the wonderful people who share in my journey.

I would also like to thank my shrink posse they go through hell. I know a secret though...most of them have had treatment as well. Guess it takes a nut to know a nut and HELP a nut. Love you guys even when I do give ya shit back when you get all therapeutic on me.

Heather, I feel as though by reading your site, I have given myself permission to rejoin life and activities I enjoyed but dearly missed. I write as well. Thank you for sharing your life stories and giving the rest of us a place to come and see that we really aren’t alone. You are brave, funny, and real. Thank you.

Go JO, Leta and CHUUUUUUUCK with a TAAAAAAAAAIL.

Thankyou Heather for articulating the situation so clearly and so bravely.

I was on Efexxor for a couple of years, and it made me human again. Some random "imbalance" had made all the color drain from my world and I lost all pleasure in being alive, even though I never considered suicide. I tell my close friends and family that anti-depressants don't make you "happy", they pull you out of the deep cavernous pit of misery to be "okay" again.

I now know that both my family tree and my husband's are riddled with depression - my father in law took his own life after prolonged depression which early anti-depressant medication did not help. The bottom line is that if something is "not right" then it is important to speak up - to family or a doctor - because "suck it up" doesn't fix anything.

Thanks

It is because of your blog and your experience that I finally gathered the balls to go to my doctor and get me some Lexapro. It was the best thing I ever did and I am only sorry that I fought against it for so long. You took the stigma out of it for me. So thank you, THANK YOU!!!!

You are an amazing person to be able to talk so openly and candidly about such a serious topic. If only more people would be as brave as you.

that was amazing and beautiful. thank you.

Thank you for sharing so completely - I believe that, like myself, you don't seem to do anything halfass. I shared your post with my 11 year old daughter who is bipolar and has been so self concious about being different, about people "knowing about her", about seeing a "talking doctor" and so much more. You helped me put this whole thing to words for her and helped emphasize that there is nothing wrong with asking for help, taking meds or having a little chat with the doc on occasion. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have made a differerence today and it is greatly appreciated.

I've had those feelings, the ones that almost keeeel you. And now I'm going to get a Master's in Psych Nursing so I can help myself and others. Rural mental health care in this country is abysmal. Really good post, I hoped it helped someone---I'm sure it did.

I stand up and applaud you for your honesty and bravery. I hope that someone out there will read this and get help.

I was married to a man that would not stay on his Prozac b/c it made him feel like 'less than a man'. He was an asshole when he didn't take it and a love when he did. Asshole = manly? ok, whatever

Heather, you are my hero today!

Thank you, Heather. Thank you.

Thanks! Have had chronic depression since I was 8 years old. Got my first treatment at 35 and now I'm 46. I thought EVERYONE considered committing suicide. Seriously. Now I only think about it sometimes.

I couldn't live without my Lamictal. Thanks for being a champion for mental health and for sharing your story. Here's to sanity!

Thank you for sharing your life experience with everyone. I too have suffered needlessly for years until the discovery that 100mg of Zoloft kept me sane. I recently have tried to go off of it and was a total mess. It was very reassuring to hear that other people need to take a maintenance dose as well.

Thanks again Heather for your openess.

I totally needed to hear this today.

Thanks, Heather.

Your speaking so openly and frankly are why I am on anti-depressants right now. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Post-partum depression is real and you can't just suck it up. Thanks for being such an advocate.

Yes, yes and yes. I try to be outspoken about what I've been through with depression and how I deal with it. I've been on most of the meds you listed and then some (oddly enough, never tried Prozac!), and my combo of Luvox, Lamictal and Wellbutrin, with occasional hydroxyzine (Atarax or Vistaril) and Focalin. I am all about better living through chemistry.

I often say that the meds don't make my problems go away, they make me able to deal with the problems instead of wanting to kill myself because, I don't know, I spilled a glass of milk while getting ready for work. I just lost everything I owned in a fire (including my five cats) the day before my 31st birthday, and, as traumatic as that was, and as sad as I've been, I haven't been *depressed* thanks to the meds and my fantastic therapist. I haven't considered suicide, haven't been confined to bed for days because I was too depressed to move...I'm dealing.

Thank you for being so brave and honest. I wish I had read this when I was going through my own PPD. I think I was both "too afraid and too arrogant" to deal with it at the time.

Hugs to you and your loving family.

I just forwarded this to a bunch of people.

I totally agree. If I had cancer, i would get treatment. What is the difference?

You've saved countless lives by writing this and all the other honest, insightful posts you've done over the years about your mental health treatment.

Erasing the stigma of seeking help and treating mental health disorders like the diseases they are should be the number-two goal of the psychiatric profession... Right behind ensuring treatment for all who seek it.

I'm a person who has struggled with anxiety for most of my life, though I didn't think it was so bad for most of that time.

Then, I got pregnant. And I had a daughter. And suddenly, anxiety became the only emotion I could express. I fretted when I felt her move, I fretted when I didn't. I worried when I couldn't sleep, I worried when I slept too much.

I stressed and fretted and gnawed holes in my knuckles until I gave birth.

"Now", I thought. "Now, I'll be able to relax."

HA! With a sideorder of HO. And a dollop of HAR.

I didn't realize how bad it continued to be until I went through her first Christmas, including a trip to visit family and a nice weekend away from her for myself and my then husband. After all of that, I realized that I hadn't enjoyed a single second of it. Not one moment. Everything was crowded out and/or ruined by my anxious nature.

That winter, I started Celexa. Happily for me, I managed to end up on the right drug for my symptoms on the first go-round. Better living through pharmaceuticals doesn't even begin to cover the miracle this was in my life.

Suddenly, I could think. I still worried, but I was able to put the worry away. That was an experience like I'd never had in my life, filled as it was with sleepless nights where my brain wouldn't shut off, episodes of tears as I obsessed about what might happen if my loved ones died, or later, how terrible it would be for my daughter if I died. I no longer stressed about the way my house appeared, about how I acted in various social settings (the post-mortems on those were getting obscene), how I looked, what I did . . . I *could* fret about them, but I could also chooose not to.

The element of choice about my emotions was the biggest freedom I'd ever been granted, and I've been eternally grateful since then.

Now, I don't really see myself laying off the drugs unless I choose pregnancy again. And even then, I may not stop. Depends on the circumstances. All I know for sure is that some of us live in a mental misery of our own making (or our physiological design) and there's no reason to have to suffer endlessly because drugs are evil or therapy is for the weak. They aren't. As my dear doctor said when I finally approached him . . . it takes courage to admit you can't do it alone anymore.

/Two cents worth from Wylie.

You should write a book about this...
because you are a significant person that others would recognize and you word things that come from your heart and soul, so well.

Wow, is all I have to say. This post couldn't have come at a more fitting time for me. I just went through an almost identical experience as you, and am still getting through it. I didn't give birth and suffer post-partum, however I know what I experienced had to be almost identical. After being on Paxil for over ten years, my regular m.d. changed my medication (NEVER, EVER! let a regular m.d. change your medication) because I had been having some issues that ended up being totally unrelated to the medication. I suffer from anxiety disorder and OCD, but I had never really suffered from depression, so to speak. I got married two months ago, and I had been switched to Lexapro a couple months before, and knew it wasn't working. The wedding was stressful enough as it was, so when I started having anxiety attacks right before and after the wedding, everyone told me it was typical "let-down" from the wedding. My doctor once AGAIN changed my meds - to Zoloft - and that is when I went off the deep end. My body couldn't take the constant changes in medication, and I literally went into convulsions. Two E.R. visits and several Ativans later, I found myself on short-term disability and leave from work, and was unable to function. The depression was horrible, and the anxiety attacks constant. It wasn't until I began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me back to Paxil that I started seeing the light again. Of course, I had to start taking Klonopin and THAT brought its own can of worms. Shaking, memory lapses, sleeplessness, tremors... I didn't know what was happening to me. But gradually, the light at the end of the tunnel opened up, and almost two months after my ordeal, I feel as if I have life inside of me again. The pain I went through is something I cannot even describe now, and maybe that is good because if I actually remembered all of it, I think I might still be a tad psychotic. My husband has his wife back (and we had barely been married two weeks when this happened!) and I feel alive again. No one can ever tell me that I shouldn't be on meds. I will be - forever - and while I have to switch to Prozac when I get pregnant, I will NEVER let a regular M.D. convince me to fix what I know isn't broken to begin with.

Thank you so much for bringing this to light - I feel our stories actually parallel very much. It isn't easy dealing with the pain of mental illness, and it is even harder talking about it. Thanks for helping lift that stigma.

Thank you Heather. You said EXACTLY what I feel. Zoloft saved my life. I am not ashamed of that. I became someone else and when I started taking that medicine, I recognized myself for the first time in several years. I will take it for the rest of my life, because one tiny pill each day is not much compared to dark, depressed, suicidal, hopeless minutes.

Do you worry about Leta's mental health in the future? Because I worry a great deal about my daughter.

I will just add my thanks to the billion comments here. THANKS.

How I love you.

That is great you don't feel ashamed. Nobody should feel ashamed to get the treatment they need. I take a whole drug cocktail to keep my RA in check, and to stay mobile. IT IS THE SAME THING. Don't let anybody tell you different.

Excellent post, Smithers. Raally.

Question, though: (and one from a celexa-lifer) What's the effect of all these meds to a future baby? (not something I need to address right now but I see the labels on my prescription bottles) I know that infants can go through withdrawal if mother stops, and/or get "hooked" leading to potential problems immediately or down the road... I know you nursed Leta - would you stay on the meds and not nurse this time? Wouldn'tyou have to go off third trimester? Just wondering what your Ob/gyn has said, hopefully in conjuction with working with a psychiarist. This is a huge fear of mine as I age like a graceful, black swan.

Thank you for posting this. I take prozac everyday and it helps me to cope just like you said. Many people would like to make me feel badly for trying to help myself.

Something funny just came to mind
You’re calling in life could be a mental health evangelist, by posting the truth is like knocking on our door in a clean short sleeved white shirt with a tie, and your name tag, to tell us not to be afraid if we need therapy or medication to get better.
You are making the world a better place by being so honest.

BRAVO! Thank you for your honesty and bluntness and candor.

I took Zoloft for 2 years after being a miserable wench for 4 or 5. I felt so much more at ease and handled my everday life with much less stress and much more happiness.

I stopped taking it in May because I was worried about being on it for the rest of my life, tired of paying for it, tired of my husband looking strangely about it, wondering what the long term effects of this daily dose will be. And besides some weight gain I was okay through the summer. But then, when the kids went back to school in the fall the blanket of stress and anger and anxiety has come back. I have been fighting it, but I am tired. I'm tired of not sleeping, of having only a few days of the month where I feel slightly "normal," tired of feeling like biting everyone's heads off for nothing. I think I'm going to go see the doc this afternoon. Thank you.

I'm a lifer, too, and have been taking Zoloft since 1998, also for chronic anxiety and depression.

I swore for years I'd name my first child Pfizer, but then I had a girl and decided to be kind to her.

I've recently gotten a lot of flack from my family about my own mental status. I take medication for anxiety (otherwise I don't eat, sleep or function), but I have refused therapy because it makes me uncomfortable and I feared that I would spend the rest of my life there. Hearing that you are able to cope and just use therapy on an occasional basis now, is something that I'd never even considered. It almost makes me consider picking up a phone and making an appointment.

It is deeply saddening to hear about all the things you had to go through to get here, but I know that myself and probably the 600 people who commented before me, truly appreciate you being candid and putting yourself out there to help others.

Thank you, Heather. You are a very brave woman. Very few people would ever admit privately, much less publicly, that they had received inpatient treatment.

Zoloft saved my life and my marriage, too. My parents and my friends still don't understand how taking a "happy pill" every day could possibly make THAT much of a difference, and that somehow I should just be able to "suck it up" and get on with my life.

Thanks to my hubby, who pushed & pushed & pushed & finally convinced me that taking a pill and talking to someone was NOT admitting that I had failed as a woman and a wife, I was able to get the treatment I need.

i actually found and read your website from start to then (almost three years ago) finish during my second big depressive episode. it motivated me to write my parents that i was not doing ok and finally get out of bed and see my uni's counselors.
it hasn't been all smooth sailing from then on but i'm glad for that day because it made me confront that i will probably have to deal with depression throughout my whole life.
somebody recently asked me why i read your website and it is for confirmation that everything will be alright. that you can be C-R-A-Z-Y as you put it, but still deal.
thank you.

Thank you, as always such an open heart and mind. I look forward to reading your posts daily, and occasionally find myself cracking up at the most random times over things you've posted - Leta singing with the little mermaid hands over head, you transfixed, and John "Is that our daughter, or is someone fondling a llama in the living room?"

Today I cried, and it was wonderful to feel such a release; wonderful to read something so accurate and close to home, and to feel not alone. I know I don't only speak for myself in saying thank you thank you thank you, for your honesty and candor. It means a lot. I believe you have just made my day a little easier.

Did I say thank you?

Thanks for writing this, Heather. I too have anxiety and depression that started early in high school. I went on meds and started therapy 5 years ago. I will always be on medicine. Sometimes, the dose changes, sometimes the combo changes. But I am content to let the medicines help me live the happy life that I believe I should be able to live. Without them (and sometimes with them) life is dark, sad and scary. No amount of praying, or looking on the bright side will change that sadness.

Thanks for sharing with your readers. There are so many people who need to hear this.

one thing not mentioned in your post is that depression isn't always manifested in classic ways like feeling blue. sometimes, being freakishly happy can be a sign that one needs help. or the need to shop. or taking drugs or alcohol to self medicate. but talking about is the first step. thank you heather...

Heather, I can not thank you enough for this post. I recently went back on Paxil after being off for a year. I felt so defeated. But I realize now that I feel so much better, the only person I was defeating was myself. When I was 24 I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I refused to go on medication until I passed out getting my Master's degree at graduation from a major panic attack. Now at 30 I realize this will always be a part of my life. Although, I can live comfortably and happy and do not need to live in fear every day. It was my mom that said "People have high cholestorel, they take medication, they have heart problems, they take medication, you have a mental problem - take medication! It's no different!" I am still not totally proud or comfortable that this is my life. However, I am greatful becuase I know things can be much worse. Have wonderful holiday & thanks for sharing!!!

Thank you! It is more brave to face the problem, take the drugs and do the therapy, than "buck up" and get over it. you rock!

This was very inspiring, thank you.

That made me cry. Thank you. Doesn't it feel good to actually feel good?

I just want to say I love you and I finally went to a psychiatrist for my depression after reading your blog over a year ago. I grew up in a religious home and Faith was the only thing you needed to get through the trials of life. I started taking Wellbutrin and instantly I was better. I never new what it was like to feel "normal". You rock and I am so glad that you have this site, I don't miss a day. My family does not understand, but thank God I have a fiance that has supported me and actually helped to pay for my treatment when I didn't have insurance. Anyway, you keep doing what you do, because you're wonderful and I am so happy that you have found the right combination to live a happy life.

I think the following link from Intueri, explains why many people are afraid to face the concept of mental illness in their own lives.

http://www.intueri.org/2007/12/06/violence-and-psychiatric-diagnoses/

As more and more people like you stand up and say, there is nothing to be ashamed of, I hope that we will see a change.

Medication and therapy have helped my mother and sister. I know it is in the family and would take advantage of it if I ever needed it. I proudly support everything you have said!

thank you for sharing

I love you. You have summed up exactly how I feel about Effexor. My doctor saved my life by prescribing it and I will never ever stop taking it.

There should not be any shame in this and yet there is. I don't understand it. But finally I learned not to care. These are my happy pills. They stop me from stabbing random people with forks. They stop me from throwing myself out a window. This is a good thing.

Thank you again for your strength in writing this.

You don't know me, but I can't tell you how grateful I am that you posted this. My mother has battled depression for years and I was recently a part of a brutal breakup with someone who has a severe bipolar disorder and refused to seek help for the treatment he desperately needs. Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting in public something that is very private. Peace in 2008 for everyone.

Thank you...I am one of those stubborn people who has been refusing to go back on my meds. Reading this made a light go off in my head.

Hi Heather,

I'm de-lurking to say a HUGE thank-you for sharing this little bit of your life, I imagine there are many, many people who take comfort from your words.

I have a question though - how do you (or any of us) know whether we should or shouldn't continue with our meds? I have been stable and happy for around 15 months now an my GP is asking if maybe I should start tapering off. problem is I have heard of so many cases where it has been the wrong idea but that it isn't as simple as just going back on again.

I'm at a loss because I dread going back to hating my children and my life if it can be avoided!

Thanks again, you're such a great example of humanity at it's very best!

Amy

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Reading that made me smile. It is so good to know I am not alone. Please keep being yourself. Holiday wishes to you and your beautiful family.

Heather, thank you for making this entry.

"I don't understand why being right is more important that being happy, why someone would go on living with a sick, nauseating swarm of junk in her stomach rather than trying to figure out how to fix it."

AMEN!

I've suffered from chronic depression in the past and I never, ever want to go back there. I don't take medication, but by now I have acquired a set of tools to help me fix things. This includes making an appointment with a professional therapist when the occasion demands it. I'm totally not ashamed of it either and, like you express so well above, cannot comprehend why anyone would resist doing whatever is necessary to stay healthy and sane. And yet, so many people do, and it's very tragic.

Thanks for telling your story. It's important to share.

Yeah, what you said.

Some of us will be on brain medication for the rest of our lives. And there's no shame in it. We just need to keep talking about it without shame, and maybe the rest of the world will come to understand.

Amen.

Heather,
Thanks so much to you, once again, for putting your (and basically also my) stories out there to help people.

I really hope that your friend gets help and gets better.

Much love to you guys.

Thank you so much for your strength and honesty in sharing a very personal thing. I totally agree with everything you've said and think it's a damn shame this world we live in has led people to be ashamed of asking for help every once in awhile. It is our imperfections that make us who we are and letting something take over your very life because you're too afraid to ask for help is being weak...not admitting you need help. I like so many of us out there will be on some form of medication for the rest of my life and I make no excuses for it as it gives me the ability to live my life.

On a completely different note, I've been reading your blog for almost a year now. It is the only blog I read and while I'm sure you hear this all the time, you are a refreshing, kind, funny and wonderful person who I feel a kinship with and while I've never commented or written in the past, I look forward to reading your thoughts, comments on your life, your beautiful little girl, and any trials and tribulations you may encounter. If anyone says any differently....well tell them to go fist themselves because they wouldn't know a wonderful human being if it smacked them in the face.

Have a wonderful holiday season. All the best to you and your family and hopefully Leta won't hoard too many bows and used wrapping paper.

Stephanie

I was with my (now-ex) for seventeen years while she has fought through depression, anxiety, DID/MPD, BPD, alphabet soup. I begged her to get some meds. Her therapist begged her to get some meds. She wouldn't. Finally she had a breakdown & I took her to the inpatient mental health center for her weeklong "vacation" as she calls it. They got her on drugs, but no one but her can get her to actually deal. I begged her to understand what her refusal to deal with her mental health issues was doing to us, to me, to our son. She couldn't do it. She still can't. We are not together any more, by my choice. I couldn't hold her up while she was pretending to stand on her own. Now I worry about how her choices continue to affect our son. I watch him struggle to deal with her and struggle to help him through it all while she denies there is anything wrong.

Heather, there is parental stigma also. Getting help (via Prozac and Adderall) for our 13-year old son is the best thing my husband and I ever did. It's keeping him alive and functional, just as you describe. Yet I hear nothing but criticism from the media and from other parents about "over-medicated kids" and "parents who replace discipline with medication." They have no f***ing idea what they are talking about and obviously have never faced the kinds of things we have faced. We try to be honest about his situation and his needs, but there are family members with whom we can never share this information because of their ignorance about mental health. Thank you for speaking up.

Awesome post - thanks so much for all of this info. There's been a lot of talk lately about the rise in numbers of people being treated for depression, and how it's basically a scam on the part of the drug companies. While that may not be entirely false*, you're a perfect example of someone who has had truly life-changing help because of those drugs. It's also a good reminder for those who are suffering to not give up, to keep trying.

Not every drug will work for every person, and sometimes a drug you've taken for years can suddenly stop working; people experiencing this need to keep going back to their doctor (or a different doctor) and trying something different, because eventually the vast majority of people can be treated, and can live a normal life again.

*I've had almost as many different prescriptions as you: Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Ativan, and a couple others I forget. Nothing was working for me. I finally went to a real shrink, who after 15 minutes with me told me I had ADD (which I didn't really get, considering I could barely MOVE). He gave me a prescription for Adderall and it's totally changed my life.

I think part of the vicious cycle with depression is having those people who tell you to "just get over it", and feeling like you must be the worst loser in the world, and worrying about the negative stigma associated with having the disease. People like you are changing that by stepping forward and telling others about your experiences.

Your parents might not like this website very much, but they should be damn proud that they've brought up a child who is truly doing something that changes this world for the better.

Right on, this post is so important. Zoloft was a lifesaver for me and I feel no shame in telling people that antidepressants made me human again. It cured my postpartum depression, which was exacerabated by my unrealistic expectations about being a super worker and super mom (mistake #1) and taking Reglan to try and increase my breastmilk production to maintain those unrealistic expectations (mistake #2). The depression hit me like a freight train when I stopped Reglan and essentially weaned from nursing cold turkey (mistake #3). Zoloft fixed me, but then I made mistake #4 6 months later when I went off Zoloft cold-turkey.

Now I'm back on Zoloft and with medical supervision/approval, in fact stayed on through 2 trimesters of my current pregnancy. I tapered down to zero for the last trimester, but will taper back up starting the very day I deliver (1 week or so).

There is no shame on taking antidepressants to maintain mental health, even if for the rest of my life. Should a diabetic try to live without insulin?

Thank you for sharing and opening comments on this. Your experience is so educational and your thoughts really add clarity to the topic.

Molly
Boston, MA

I wish that my ex-boyfriend would read this and understand it and pay attention to it. I tried to get him various types of mental health help for the last year of our 4-year, live-in relationship. Ultimately, we broke up (for myriad reasons), and a huge part of that was his refusal to get help. I'm a big believer in mental health treatment, drugs, whatever, and for him to be so obtuse as to not take his own life seriously was the final straw for me. I love him and wish things could be different, but ultimately I can't force him to get better, he has to want it for himself.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I just want to thank you for this post. I've been reading this site now for years and also dealing with a lot of mental health problems due to a thyroid issue. Up until a month before I read this, I worried about what everyone would say or do if they knew I was CRAZY and instead, let it manifest in completely scary and unhealthy ways, I also worried about the money part of it. But now I know that (at least here in Washington) you can try to get help for that type of thing.
You writing all of that also encourages me. That it isn't the end of the world. It makes it look a hell of a lot less like that, to be honest.
Thanks, again.

I read everyday and never comment, but, like all else here I wanted to say thank you to you, and my AWESOME mom for helping get some help.

When I was in college, this thing started where I didn’t sleep for almost two months straight because I would itch constantly at night. After medicine for scabies and then extremely dry skin didn’t work, my mother insisted that my doctor put me on some anti anxiety meds. Honestly, I think my mom had seen how metal illness plagued my father’s family, and she wanted me to know that is was not only okay, but absolutely necessary to get help, be it meds, herbs, therapy, yoga, prayers or all of the above.

I have been on Celexa and Welbutrin in the past and in fact, it was my gynecologist who put me on it both times. She then followed up with me to make sure I was seeing my therapist regularly, etc. I thank God for those health care professionals who know that true wellness includes mental wellness.

I live in the South too, and to those who have families who say that prayer will make them better, I say, “Yes, God does answer prayers, and sometimes He answers them with Welbutrin!”

so true...thanks for sharing

i'm a sucess story too :)

You're one brave chick, thanks.

You're very lucky to have had the financial ability to get therapy and medication and hospital stays. You are in a minority, though. Most people on the planet can't afford any of it.

I second that. As much as I suspect corporation in general and the pharmaceutical industry specifically, I have seem miracles come from drugs. Friends and relatives have really benefited.

A friend of mine told me about your blog a couple of weeks ago and I read it every day now. After reading it, I had to courage to make an appointment with a Therapist, who prescribed Lexapro and Neurontin. I just want to say thanks for speaking so frankly about these issues, my husband didn't understand what was going on, or why I couldn't seem to break out of the funk, but I showed him this site and now he seems to better understand what is going on, and that its not his fault that he can't "fix it". Thanks again!

I have been reading your site religiously for years. I keep coming back for the funny and the heartfelt, and for your amazing photography and great writing. But what drew me in initially was the honestly with which you spoke about your depression. I really appreciate that. It takes courage! You've sent a message to the world that you can have flaws, that you can get help, that you can suffer, yet still be happy and successful and relatively well-adjusted. It seems like you have such a lovely life with Leta and John and Chuck and have found success here on them thar interwebs. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us, Heather.

The world 'crazy' has such a negative connotation nowadays. It's not until someone in a white labcoat calls it by a hard-to-pronounce medical term that it's taken seriously.

I grew up in India half of my life and the attitude where I grew up is exactly like you mentioned. If you admit to mental illness, instead of sympathizing, people want to throw stones. It's the same with counseling. My best friend's (arranged)marriage has been miserable from day #1 but he refuses counseling because it makes him seem weak.

What they don't seem to understand is just like they would go to the doctor if their body is sick, they need to go to a doctor if your mind is not feeling well too.

Thanks Heather for standing up for what you beleive in. I feel better for beleiving that it's not crazy to be crazy. You are the bestest of the best!

Thank you, Heather. I don't know if you'll read this or not (764 other comments is a loooong cup of coffee), but you have inspired me to call my doctor and tell him the new dosage is not working. Because I am tired of being broken. Thank you.

I guess wading thru 1800 million comments also falls into the OCD category, but I hope that you have the time to see how many people you've impacted and encouraged!

My dad struggles with MS and a spinal cord injury and it's a drag for our family to watch him grapple with his mobility, but to me - mental illness is the scariest thing because of what you and so many others here are saying. It's like a huge elephant in the room, and if you pretend it doesn't exist, then it will surely disappear. It must be so much harder to feel validated when seeking treatment for something so stinkin' intangible.

I loved your story, Heather. And I'm so glad you took the time to share.

P.s. - The human vistitor screen test below is illegible. I can't even make it out. Does that mean I fail the human test?

Heather,

You have many gifts, but among them is the ability to write so well and convey the complexity of reality in such fluid terms. I have a friend who is struggling with the decision to medicate a condition that has hampered- and at times devastated- her life. I am forwarding her your post, as you have so eloquently encapsulated the successful journey of someone who has "been there/done that."

YES, YES, YES, a thousand times YES. And not me but my DH. We could not have made it 27 years without the Prozac.

Me too. Depressed since at least early adolescence if not before, but too predjudiced against the drugs to do anything about it. (Cuz taking meds means you're weak, right?)

Now I'm a proud taker of Wellbutrin and Cymbalta. And have joined the living for the first time ever. Too bad I waited til I was nearly 40 to do it.

Beautiful, beautiful post. You have enriched my life with your writings & photos. Thank you. I am glad you were able to get the necessary help.

Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm sure your openness will give someone the encouragement they need and ask for help.

Your a blessing for writing this Heather, you will help countless people in doing so.

My brother-in-law is 45, he suffers from bipolar depression dx about 6 yrs ago. My sil and him met in highschool. The have 3 kids. Life is a mess for them. He was seeing a therapist, but nothing is working. He is on lithium. He admitted thanksgiving he has been an affair for 3 yrs. Their life was beautiful. It is not anymore and they are still living together ..my sil was SO desperately to help him, to have the drs help him. When I see him, it is NOT him .. even still after yrs of meds. I wish I had the magic meds for him .. it is devastating to watch this destruction of a very great relationship and family .. to nothing. But my sil is not giving up .. she is hoping to one day break through .. he was a wonderful guy...

I'm so glad things worked out for you, and that we can be here reading about your wonderful life, and seeing cool amazing pictures of your daughter. You are an inspiration that is for sure....

Wow. Thank you for opening up and sharing.

You are a courageous and strong woman who got the help she needed. Thank you telling us your story. I hope this helps someone who needs. I, too, was on medication and saw a therapist. It made me feel much better and grounded. I do not like that our society judges. No one is better than another. I try to follow the Golden Rule and am teaching my daughter to live the same way.

Thank you!

In tears, I am. Thank you for putting into words what I've not be able to explain to some people in my life. Heather, thank you.

My husband is on Zoloft - I have never known him not to be, but I know he feels like he needs it. There have been times when I thought of trying to get him to stop taking it (it has some side effects), but I'm really glad to have read this. It's his mental health and anxiety - if he & his dr decide that he needs it, then he does. I don't want him to feel the way you described yourself when you were not being treated. Thanks Heather.

I have suffered from depression for so many years. It started when I was 12. I remember the blackness that swallowed me whole. Its hard to imagine a child that young wanting to die. To end her life because it was impossible to see anything else than sadness. I didnt get treatment until I was 23. Now I look back and thing about all those years I wasted being sad, angry and even feeling nothing. I drank, I did drugs, I was reckless. I wish I could have had a friend like you to share her experience. It would have saved me a lot of greif.

The numer of comments should say it all.

I refer to myself as, "crazy" and my shrink keeps telling me, "No, you have a mood disorder". Doesn't much help when your mind is spinning out of control.

When things really get bad for you, remind yourself to come back to this post and read the comments; hopefully it will help you make some decision that will get you get back on the right track to mental health: a doctor's appointment, change in med, etc. I'm not exactly the right one to talk, as I go kicking and screaming, but I DO do it. Good luck, and thank you.

Bo

The number of comments on this entry so far is 792. That alone is proof of how important and needed this post is. Thank you for posting it. You said things that I've been telling people around me for months. More people need to talk about this. Especially with the persuasive powers and eloquence you have.

I am so proud of you. You are so brave. And in sharing, you are helping SO many people, some who still daren't admit it but at least the realisation and knowing may be towards the first step.

I was sexually molested as a five year old and to this date have not done anything about it. The man is still out there probably doing the same to other children.......

Blessings to you and your family.

xxx

Goodluck,you are dealing with it with courage!Bravo!

Holy crap...800 + comments.

Thank you Heather. You are truly an inspiration.

xo.

Heather, thank you. The other thing I hear people say is that they don't want to take medication for depression because they are afraid they won't feel ANYTHING. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I feel so much joy in life now - joy I just couldn't reach before. There was no way out of my head - no matter how much talk therapy I had, I just couldn't see past all the awful things that might happen at any moment. Effexor XR gives my brain something that is missing - it's not a character flaw, it's not a moral issue, it's not a weakness - it's a chemical.

I always love your writing, as an exMo, and mother of a daughter with CMT & plagio, sometimes I feel you're writing right out of my head. But you've really done a wonderful thing this time...

Hi Heather,

I've never posted a comment before, but really enjoy reading your posts and looking at cute pictures of Chuck. I have a dog named Chuck too, but he doesn't perform such cool tricks. His main ability is rubbing his nose under my hand to get me to pet him and wrapping his long greyhound body around my mine when he wants attention.

Anyway, I read your post and totally agree with you. I'm 6 months pregnant and have recently been having my depression symptoms come back to haunt me. Also, I've been noticing some slight panic/anxiety attacks as well. I took Lexapro for several years before getting pregnant. My doc suggests that I start them again sometime next month to avoid post-partum depression. Next month can't come sooner!! What were the red flags that you noticed during your 3rd trimester? Just curious to see if they are similar to mine.

Thanks a bunch!!
Elizabeth in IN

I just wanted to say thank you for your wonderful writing today.

As a member of the chronic anxiety club, I don't think I would be here or enjoy the life I have today (flaws and all) if it wasn't for medication and therapy. I wouldn't have gotten that medication and therapy if it wasn't for my husband encouraging me to find help. Being able to read what you share about your own expereince has helped me personally, and helped me to talk about this with others.

Many happy wishes to you and your family from another mental health success story!

I've never had clinical mental health issues myself. What I'm here to add is a confession: I've had judgmental thoughts about friends who do have them. I KNOW, I know, it's wrong. But (bear with me a minute) it's so tempting to get exasperated with someone who keeps having the same struggles; it's tempting to think, "good grief, just get it together, man" (thankfully, I don't think I've ever actually voiced these thoughts to someone who's struggling, but maybe I have). I KNOW this is terrible, and I do actively work on changing my attitude when I have these thoughts. I'm posting here just to say "Thank You, Dooce!" for reminding me of what's what. Your unblinking honesty is very, very clarifying, and is itself like a medicine to treat the icky, hurtful, judgmental and self-righteous thoughts some of us, who just happen not to have the same struggles, are tempted to.

Heather, thank you. you are so eloquent and honest about this. I am guessing this has been said in one of the other 700+ comments, but I think a symptom of the sickness is not wanting to get well, thinking "what's the point." It's not only stubbornness, it can be a lack of seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully your post will give someone out there the faith that there is a way out, if they just take the first step. I too have had my life changed by therapy and gone to a dark place and come out on the other side. About to have my first child in a few months and hoping I won't have PPD, but I'll get help if I do have it.

Wow, way too many comments to properly read through, but THANK YOU for posting this, and I'm with comment #2: Lexapro deserves a parade, and also a monument in my front yard. Some sort of statuary, perhaps?

Thank you. That was something I needed to read.

Congratulations on this honest and heartfelt post. Medication isn't for everyone, but it should always be considered as an option. So many of us have the same sort of experiences. It's great that you wrote about yours and set off this outpouring of support, agreement, relief. Thanks.

Heather,

I applaud you. My favorite line is perhaps the simplest you wrote: “I am not ashamed of any of this.” I knew someone who I wish wouldn’t have been ashamed. And, I wish we all lived in a society that didn’t encourage shame with regard to mental health issues and treatment.

I married my first husband at age 21, after dating for a couple years. He was 23. His behaviors, which were odd and difficult to deal with before the marriage, were impossible to deal with afterwards. I knew nothing about mental disorders, or the medications that can help with them.

I found out that he had been seen by a psychiatrist for various reasons when he was as young as 5 or 6. I found out he had made an appointment for himself only a few years prior, but changed his mind and never went. He was too proud to admit something might be wrong, and to get some help.

His obsessive behavior made me honestly miserable, and I became terribly depressed. I vividly remember wrapping up the day at work, heading to the parking garage, and getting halfway home when I'd need to pull over into a parking lot and just cry for about 20 minutes. I didn't want to go home. At that point, it was so bad, I was nervous every minute I was around him. This was all very out of character for me.

Then I learned that mental illness was rampant in his bloodline. I'm no doctor, nor do I know for sure if these things are or can be genetic, but it seemed very coincidental.

I hit a breaking point, and after reading everything I could find on the Internet for a crash course in mental health issues, I pleaded with him to get some help. He finally agreed. I found one of the most reputable psychiatrists in our state, let him choose whether he went alone or together, whether I went in or stayed in the lobby or car, and anything else I could do to show him I was willing to stand behind him and wanted him to be in control of his treatment. He wanted me to come, but stay in the lobby. He emerged after only 2/3 of his appointment time had passed, with three prescriptions in hand. I didn't ask questions, but allowed him to share what he wanted and keep private what he wasn't ready or willing to discuss. I filled the prescriptions for him and later mentioned they were in the bathroom cabinet. After about three days, our life was amazingly different. I started to fall right back in love with him, and I was overcome with hope that the horrible parts of life were behind me at that point, and we could go on and have a family. I almost stopped taking my secret birth control at that point.... But a week later, he decided to stop taking the medication. All of it. He said it made him feel relaxed, which was nice, but he was too afraid it would compromise his drive and work ethic, since he was known to be five times more hyper and productive than anyone else he worked with, and he enjoyed that reputation and the recognition it brought.

Over a short, tumultuous period of time, we saw a total of four marital counselors and he saw three psychiatrists. None of the three psychiatrists knew about each other, or that he'd gotten any other treatment. It was always a fresh start with a fresh set of qualified eyes. Yet the diagnosis was always, always, the same, and the recommended prescriptions only varied slightly. The third marital counselor, after a few visits, asked me to see her alone. I agreed, and in our first and only visit, after 45 minutes with her, she told me that my case was the worst she'd seen yet. After evaluated me alone, she'd confirmed her suspicions, and wanted me to know that if I did not leave this man, it was highly probably, given his obsessive nature and the level to which he was obsessed with me, he'd kill me. Even at such a young age, I did not take her words lightly.

Within two weeks, my life was beyond unbearable. He didn't even want me to use the toilet without leaving the door cracked. His moods were all over the map, he had no control over himself, he'd be happy, and start crying in the middle of it, and then he'd be sad, and suddenly become enraged for no obvious reason. I gave him an ultimatum. This was the first and last ultimatum I've ever given anyone in my life. I told him I refused to continue like that, and something had to change for me to stay in the marriage. Four counselors and three psychiatrists had given him basically the same message at that point, and the probability that seven separate and well-educated people were all on crack regarding our situation was not high. (No pun intended.)

I told him he had a week to show me some effort, or I was leaving, because he had gotten honestly scary at that point. I waited six weeks. Nothing changed for the better. In fact, everything continued to get worse. I moved out, and a few weeks later filed for divorce.

Our divorce took a year and a half to be finalized, despite our age, the shortness of our marriage, the absence of children, and the lack of any financial assets to argue about. He simply refused to agree to any proposal. He'd often agree, and the morning we'd be due in court, he'd change his mind. Once over not knowing for sure what credit card was used to pay for a bicycle. Another time over a monopoly game. Another time over his anger that when I moved out, I took everything out of my underwear drawer, as he was hoping my personal clothing would constitute marital property, and he could demand half and also earn me a reprimand for taking it all without his permission. It was a control thing. And I truly believe that most of it, he couldn't help. He was sick. When he was out of opportunities to delay the inevitable, the judge pronounced us divorced, and I only had to renew the PPO one time. He married another girl only weeks after the divorce was final.

She stayed with him for almost three full years, and left him for the very same reasons I did, after a similar pathway through counselors and psychiatrists. He refused most of his treatment. She was pregnant with their first child.

In January 2004, years after we'd last seen each other, he e-mailed me and asked if I'd spare five minutes for him on the phone. It was important. I called him that evening. He wanted to apologize. And he was so precise, he was even tedious with exactly what details he was apologizing for. His second wife leaving for the same reasons was far from coincidence, as we were nothing alike short of age and gender, in fact, polar opposites on almost all counts. The common thread was him, and the specific behaviors we'd both come to refuse to live with. I encouraged him to get help and stay with it for once, rather than go to appease someone and take meds for a week or so before quitting. He admitted that he was finally not too proud to admit he had a problem, and needed help.But he didn't know how he'd live with so much destruction and hurt feelings left in his pathway.

Not a full three weeks later, he took his own life. His first child was born months later. He lost two wives, both having become honestly afraid of him becoming violent during one of his fits of rage, and missed the birth of his first child, because he was too PROUD.

And like so many have mentioned in so many different words, he would not have been too proud to take insulin for diabetes, or chemotherapy for cancer, or Advil for a headache, or Lipitor for high cholesterol.

If there is anyone reading my story who might need help, please don’t be too proud. Choose happiness and being healthy over being unhealthy and too proud.

Me too, especially with the Zoloft. I wasn't diagnosed until my daughter was almost 2 years old, and that was after numerous trips to the doctor and approaching the brink of divorce.

I tried to go cold turkey last month after letting my prescription lapse and boy, I'll never do THAT again! Those were ugly, ugly feelings and a reminder of a place I never want to return to.

I'll always be on a maintenance dose. I am not ashamed. I am relieved.

All hail Vitamin Z.

Fabulous post! You say it so perfectly for all of us who live with this disease.

Lexapro gets me through the day, every day for ever.

Heather, thank you.

Thank you for sharing your history and for helping others realize it's ok to be in therapy and to take a pill to help even everything out.

I had the biggest emotional breakdown of my adult life the week before we closed on our house and it was at that time I realized I needed help, and got it.

I am a 'worrying perfectionist' with an anxiety disorder.

It's amazing what a little pill can do, and thank you again for sharing your history with us.

You truly do rock.

Thank you.

I am currently preparing to discontinue paxil use because I am extremely sensitive to any changes in manufacturer/dosage/whatnot. I originally was set on discontinuing all medicine, but am realizing that it might be okay to simply switch to one that doesn't cause such turmoil through each tiny change. You have certainly been helpful in acknowledging that you are okay with the fact that you will be on SOMETHING the rest of your life.

In college I was prescribed paxil, but I didn't fill it. I went to my mentor, a professor in behavior who approaches most other types of psychology with a great big load of skepticism. He changed my life by telling me: "Monika, if you broke your leg you wouldn't try to walk on it tomorrow, you would use crutches. The crutches wouldn't cure your broken leg, but they would allow it to heal. Drugs won't necessarily cure your anxiety, but they might allow you the clarity to deal with some things in a reasonable way."

THAT man, saying THAT to me, was all I needed to know it was okay. And you are offering assurance now that it's still okay.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying all that. I totally agree with you. It brought tears to my eyes.

Heather, this is the first comment I have ever left you, but I want to say thank you for sharing.

I've read your blog for a long time and have always been impressed by your openness about mental illness. In fact, I think reading your story helped push me to get treatment for the depression and anxiety that plagued me for many years. I've been medicated for 1.5 years and am thankful every day for these drugs that allow me to live my life. SO WHAT if I have to take meds the rest of my life?

A lot of people close to me don't understand depression and anxiety, and which is hard to deal with. It is wonderful that people like you are willing to share your story. I hope you know that you have many people who respect you greatly and wish you nothing but the best.

Comment about your daily photo....I've always thought your daughter looks like a Renaissance painting. Something about her...she just has that look. Very beautiful!

Also, thanks for posting the video of her singing to the Morman tape. My 4 year old daughter walked in and saw it and we had to listen to it OVER AND OVER AND OVER again! haha!

My main thought has always been, "Yeah, I'm sad, but am I sad enough?"
I appreciate this post a lot; you are an incredibly talented writer.

I just had one of those lame Oprah aha moments. My son is struggling and it's really so hard for me. Your post made stop and think...it's hard for him too and maybe I need to be a touch more loving and less angry and frustrated. It's hard battle for all parties involved. Thank you.

PS-I said hard like 3 times, bahahaha

Amen.

If not for Lexapro...

This is why I started reading your blog in 2003, and I still do. I had PPD after the birth of my second child and ended up on Prozac which was a HUGE help to me. Unfortunately there are still people who are so negative about antidepressant use, but I think blogs like yours are a big help. I made the mistake of sharing my prozac use with some gossipy neighbors thinking it was not a big deal and I got burned. Some people are so ignorant. Like Tom Cruise, I will never ever see one of his movies again because of his comments about Brooke Shields' depression.

I thank you for your fiercely honest email. There are so many complexities to mental health and everyone finds a different answer for oneself. Understanding is all we can expect from others but we can't understand without sharing so way to be eloquently, exquisitely open.

Heather,
I read your blog all the time. You make me laugh my butt off, you make me cry with you. I have to tell you that you are a true inspiration. You are so incredibly brave for sharing this story as well as so many others on your site. I am a Mom who has delt with crippling depression and have admitted to myself (when I was pregnant in 2005) that I will be on my Zoloft for the rest of my life. That is the single most important decision I have ever made! I hope that your friend reads this and knows that you will support her for admitting that there is a problem and that the meds are great! I love that you are so honest and frank in all that you say and do. I'd be proud to have you as a friend!! Thank you again for being so brave!! Bravo Momma!!

I've been reading for a long time, and...while you've come ever so close in the past, you've moved me to tears today. This one really hits home. I need to go home and have a talk with someone very important to me.

Thank you, Heather. I've been reading your website for two years now, and you've helped empower me to stay on my meds during those times I feel okay and I forget that the drugs are what make me that way. I've suffered from depression since, oh, puberty or so, but it took the darkness of postpartum depression - thoughts of leaving my baby somewhere so I didn't have to face him anymore, thoughts of getting in my car and driving until I ran out of road, thoughts of drowning us both in the bathtub - to get me to finally seek help. Effexor saved my life, and my son's.

Right now I'm pregnant with #3, and I made the decision - with my doctor's supervision - to stop taking antidepressants while I'm pregnant, same as I did during pregnancy #2. "Helpful" people have suggested that maybe being off the antidepressants for a while will help me to realize that I can get along just fine without them, but I'm learning just the opposite: I cannot deal on my own. Something inside me is broken, and it's not fixing itself. I'm counting down the minutes until this baby is born and I can have my drugs back; and I'm struggling with whether by trying to do the right thing by my baby I'm sacrificing something important in my relationship with my husband and kids. I hate this.

I found this photo a few weeks ago at the Bent Objects blog: A Slight Chemical Imbalance. It's a good reminder that sometimes it does take a bottle of pills banging around in there with a wrench to get things working right.

cheers to you for posting this!!! I have also been saved by anti depressants! I will be on them for the rest of my life...because frankly the alternative sucks!

i think you are a brave and beautiful person. i love reading your site and i agree 100% with what you have said here. thank you.

Mom moved up near me. Needed a physical. Found a nice doctor. Doctor reviewed her med list. He said, "What would happen if we took you off Prozac?" I looked the doc in the eye and said in a very quiet voice, "I would make her move in with you." He wrote the prescription. YIPPEE for Prozac and having my mother back!

Thank you, Heather. I am finally putting together the pieces of a puzzle that I've had in my hands all my life. Think about the families that could change-sometimes overnight-if this new generation sought treatment for their depression? Amazing.

Thank you, thank, you, thank you. :)

i believe that if my depression had been treated when it first appeared (age 10), or at least when it began to interfere with my functioning (age 14), i would not now be disabled and awaiting a decision from social security (age 32). thanks so much for this post -- we need more bloggers like you.

Holy Shit! I read your blog all the time and I have always admired your humor and your honesty. I almost just typed you have no idea how much this article will HELP PEOPLE, but I know that's not true, because you've BEEN THERE, as have I, and as someone who has been there and is still there, you DO know that this blog entry might help someone who reads it. I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression also, and I HATE them and I HATE that I have to take medication, but I've tried to stop medicines several times, and have admitted that it's just not for me. It's not gonna happen. And that's OKAY with me! It's better than the alternative. Thank you for sharing your story with the world Heather! You ROCK!

Corinna
www.myscrapbooklife.com

Thank you for what you have written. I know as a Mom with a child with on going problems and hearing about adult who is willing to talk about having a problem to and its OK and that you need to take your meds Let us know there are good people out in the world. Thank you again!

Thank you Heather, I read your blog every day and I appreciate your writing so very much. Just reading about your day to day life with a strong willed daughter hits home for me as I am also raising one who appears to want me in an early grave. Thank you for your honesty and clarity. You are a wonderful writer.

Thank you.

*sigh* My sister sent me this post. She sent it to my mother, also. My mom is bravely trying to get off meds after over 30 years, and I support her in this effort. No, there's no social stigma attached to moodmeds any more, but the reality is, that's where the fair treatment ends. If you are trying to get long term care insurance on certain moodmeds, forget it. If you have a history of episodes and something untoward happens to you, law enforcement is much slower to investigate (This month's Reader's Digest had a sad example of that). Your medical care provider is much quicker to 'change your dosage' and will not spend as much time trying to help you in proven holistic ways. If you end up in the legal system, God help you. In the so much of the established system, moodmeds are still stigmatized. I was in the system of pharmaceutical bandaids for years, and I lost those years. I can't tell you how much I wish that my health care provider had said, "Let's take a look at what's going on in your life right now." Sometimes a situation actually IS depressing, and to take a pill to change your attitude is very...Matrix. Best to change the situation. It's possible that your hospital perkup had as much to do with knowing that you were safe and cared for as it did the meds. Probable, really, since it happened so quickly. Minds are powerful and to be respected. Edison, Franklin, Jefferson (to name a few) all had a touch of 'mania' about them that allowed them to be creative geniuses that bucked the norm. Times were not always good for them, but the world would be a very different place if they had been reined in. I have known my mother in an unmedicated state for exactly one year of my life. I liked her, and the people who are pushing for her pharmaceutical cocoon now don't seem to know her and will not be caring for her in her infirmity. I will. Her cholesterol is over 200, though she follows a low fat vegetarian diet. Her liver is ruined from years of 'side effects'. Any prescribed pharmaceutical is a poison, and the body knows it. I've detoxed 140 pounds of excess off so far, and would love to help her detox also. It's far from easy, but the frustrations are manageable. My life is infinitely more precious and wonderful now that I am truly living it in health. I'm here to tell you that when you don't make good choices for yourself, someone else will make them for you. Their criteria will have more to do with convenience and limiting their liability and less to do with your best interests. Don't give up control of your own ship if you can help it. That being said, I appreciate your candor. I wish only the best for you, and I want you to make your own choices. Vayo con Dios!

I agree. And though it has never ever been as bad for me as when you describe you didn't know how to make it through the next ten minutes, the feeling is still very recognizable.
When my doctor first talked about medication, I was very hestitant.
But since I had tried everything else, I caved.
What a good decision it was.
The feeling of being 'yourself' again, recognizing who you are. For me it is undescribable.

For a very big part because of dooce.com, I decided to be open and honest about it.
So I told people. Family, friends, colleauges...
A lot of them were very negative. "Anti-depressants! That is not good! I wouldn't if I were you!"
But I did, and now I have the exact same feeling as you do. Whatever 'bad' these things do, I don't see it. I see who I was without, and I see who I am now.
Bring em on, I say. I don't know if I am going to need them for the rest of my life but should that be the case, who cares? I know I don't.

Sometimes people don't want to hear, and I never tell them what to do.
But, like you, I tell them my story. And I hope it helps them.

Thank you very much for telling your story, because it has defenitely helped me.

This is the first time I've ever commented on a blog, but your post touched me so much. I am a psychologist (and a mom) and thank you so much for reaching so many people through your blog, for being so brutally honest, and for providing hope that you can confront depression and anxiety.

I love what I do, it's certainly not an easy job and sometimes can be frustrating for a number of reasons (dealing with insurance companies for one). But I just want to say--if you are depressed, hopeless, anxious or feeling out of control--please don't hesitate to get professional help. You might have heard bad stories about shrinks, but most of us are ethical and competent...try to get a recommendation from a doctor or do a search on the internet for a therapist in your area.

Thanks again for this inspirational post!

I missed those 8 months of high school when I didn't have to, and that can't be helped, but I will not miss any part of my life with my husband or our future children, because I have the wisdom of women like you in my life.

I was on Lexapro for quite some time, what they failed to tell you is the hell that is called withdrawal when you go off of it.

I must say, it helped when I needed it but after a couple of years I felt strong enough to break free of it - 6-8 weeks of the worst withdrawal I've ever had I feel better than I ever have.

Thanks,
Adam

http://purelycotton.com

I agree... and wish I hadn't lost my job/insurance/access to meds. Life is damn hard without them.

Hey, good work on the new site! Your server has handled nearly 900 comments. You've probably also handled lots of load, since I saw a link here on some very heavy traffic sites.

There was a time in my life that was very unhappy and emotionally stressful. I tried to bottle it in for a long time, but it didn't work. Ended up falling apart, and spending three separate times in a psych ward for depression. Had meds for a while, but it didn't really help me. What I needed was someone to talk to, to clear my head a bit. So I had therapy off and on for a few years. It did help. And it sure beat the one comment I got from someone when I finally broke down and had the courage to admit that I could not cope anymore. She said to me, "Buck up little camper, and give your noodle a shake."

So yeah. Whatever gets you through the night.

Thank you, thank you, Amen and Amen for speaking out! Perhaps if enough of us who have been there, done that, been at the depths of what is at times a true Hellhole of the mind, maybe some way others who need the same type of help, uplift, medications, therapy, will find the strength and courage to seek out and get it!
I always think of the commercial for scholarships for black youth and its tagline "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" and how true that is with respect to this illness that knows no boundaries, does not discriminate one iota between ethnic or racial groups, know no class or economic limits or intellectual ones either!
And now that I had my say, which I can't envision you ever reading with 875 other comments prior to mine, just let me say this anyway -Congratulations on standing up, speaking out, writing so others will know this is an ILLNESS, not something to be ashamed of and it needs help, medication and therapy! Now have a Happy Holiday Season too!

All I can say is thank you. For one minute, I felt normal.

I have read man, many of the comments and I am completely in agreement. I have suffered for yearsnd have tried many different drugs. I too have the depression/anxiety/postpartum horror story in my life.

My question though....how does everyone manage the yucky side effects? Oh how I've trie to "be compliant" with times I take it, etc. But since Sept. I just gave up. Just today, I have cried and cried.

I think I need to restart my Zoloft! (I definately have an unsuportive husband who thinks that I should just "stop worrying"....)

Oh honey, thank you so much for writing that. Thank you! You are a success story, and it's been a privilege and a learning experience to read about it here. Thank you.

Is there really a drug called Abilify?
That is hilarious.

Thank you for posting about this, it is extremely important and right on track.

YOU ROCK.

you are a super hero, heather! thanks for putting it out there and being real. you have helped more people than you know.

Thank you. Today was THE day I needed to see that. Now you are saving people.

Amen, Heather. You've helped me, and your words heal. Thank you for sharing.