I feel for ya. I am evening overindulging in nighttime alcohol in sympathy. ;)

Best wishes on your recovery.

how can you not like steely dan?

Great pictures though. You just reminded me that part of my problem is I don't drink heavily enough in the evenings.

I think I'm going to look into getting our line bladed. We live at the end of the street and have already been told that if something went wrong with our line, we would be the ones to pay.

beach towels, sunglasses, toys, and toothbrushes.. all these things my 4 year old had tried to flush in his first years around a bathroom.

i put the plumbers kids through college.

I feel your pain about the nap interruptions. My next door neighbors are having a deck built and it may seem paranoid, but I swear they make more noise and turn up their radios during my daughter's naptime. I want to tell them that if they continue to wake her up, they will be the new proud parents of a bitchy 2 year old girl.

Well, I'm glad to hear it's going as well as it can. And I would love to be able to find out how a beach towel got flushed, because it sounds like that takes some real talent.

I live with 3 other girls, and we go through at least one roll of toilet paper a day. No joke. It doesn't even matter if it is a double or triple roll either, by bedtime, it's gone. My boyfriend also commented that when I stay at his place on the weekends, the TP mysteriously disappears.

I didn't do it. I swear.

You forgot Airsupply.

An old Airsupply tape.

Fuel Supply? Check
Food Supply? Check
Airsupply? Lost in love and I don't know much....

Considering the circumstances, you are taking this unqualified-ly well. Plus, it's a unique experience! That's what I tell myself when something totally unexpected and *weird* happens.

One bright spot in all this must be the, how did Jon put it?, pooping with impunity! A new line, TOTALLY new, nobody else but you used it, therefore you know that there are no [more] beatch towels in it. Life's grand!

It'll be grander with a decadent martini. Or your poison of choice.

Heather, now that you can poop (which I think started happening months ago, but we'll celebrate anyway), I think you can use all the toilet paper you want. Makes up for lost time, no? Clearly this disaster is not your fault, and I appreciate your humor about the situation.

I live in an old house and LOVE my toilet paper. My mom is one of those people who uses 4 squares for each wipe, and that just pisses me off.

the second i have some extra cash i'm getting my lines bladed. that's that. our house is 100 years old and there are several trees around it about the same age. it's unavoidable.
i do feel for you. we had the City Water Dept at our house yesterday checking the line from our house to the street because we have no water pressure. i mean NONE. if you flush any toilet, no water comes out of the showerhead AT ALL for 10 minutes.
We got the great news from him that the problem is actually in the house so we have to replace 20ft of pipeline between the boiler and the first floor.

Wow. In the time it took me to sign in, 7 more comments appeared.

My current roommates now think something is wrong with me, because I couldn't help but laugh out loud at "dude takes shit too seriously." Because, after all, you ARE talking about a sewage line. Lovely.

You should sell that towel on eBay.

I'm serious. Someone would buy it.

I worked in a group home for developmentally disabled adults, and one summer, the septic system crashed. The plumber found two or three bath towels in the pipes, among the usual kotex pads and a Barbie doll, among other things that I can't recall because I'm pushing 40. The plumbing & septic team were at the house for weeks, and everytime I showed up for my shift, they would show me the outrageous thing they had pulled out that day. It was a nightmare and it wasn't even my house. The smell alone was indescribable. I feel your pain and I can't believe they have dug a swimming pool-sized hole in front of your house. That's bullshit.

Items requiring removal of toilet to unclog it:
Large piece of steak
Popsicle stick
Barbie doll

Don't ask . . .

A ton of toilet paper followed by the finishing touches of a baby wipe, is my way. I know that can't be good for the pipes.

I deal with anxiety in much the same way you do. I'm on Corona with lime therapy.

I had a friend who bought a little fixer-upper house that she found out used to be a drug house. When they were replacing the sewer line, they found thousands and thousands of little cannabis roots, from all the seeds and plants that had been flushed every time there was a raid. The little buggers were trying to grow in there.

There were some other interesting things buried in the back yard when I was helping her clear the brush...

Sus

Just think...this would have happened YEARS ago if you pooped like a regular person. :P

I'm still astounded by the beach towel.

And yes, dude DOES take things way too seriously. A little humour goes a long way my friend.

this is probably not surprising, but these comments are some of my favorite yet. i will think all day about how someone flushed a large piece of steak down their toilet and it will make me happy.

have you thought about framing or otherwise preserving the beach towel? our cat recently got a hairball so bad, he had to have a $1,500 surgery. i wish we had saved the hairball because it would be the most expensive thing in our house.

When the plumber pulls up in a $50K car, you know you are in trouble.

Raise hand if you've had a back hoe in your front lawn because your blue pipe broke. Raise other hand if you wanted to blame the smell on the neighborhood dogs.

My sympathies.

Aw Heather... if you've only been doing the excessive drinking in the nighttime, you're not QUITE there yet.

What a waste! To flush a large piece of steak down a toilet! I'd prefer to think that it fell in accidentally. Perhaps someone was trying to multi-task by combining the eating of the dinner with the pooping of the breakfast, and didn't have a good enough grip on the steak, what with trying to balance the plate on their knees and all. Still, what a bugger for it to be the steak that fell. I bet they cursed the gods that it couldn't have been the peas.

I can top any of the posts here~~when I was in highschool my best friend was known for launching enormous poops at my house.My step father said that she was causing plumbing problems so he insisted that she "chop up" prior to flushing and he kept a teeny garden shovel in the bathroom for her to use....I was horrified~he is long gone now and no, I do not miss him.

Maybe the towel went down an open man hole in the street and found it's way into your sewer line? It just sounds more likely than someone sitting there, very patiently with thinly rolled up towel flushing and flushing and flushing...

um, YAH.....if I've ever heard of a good reason to go out and put an overpriced lunch (with too many drinks on the side) on a credit card, THIS would definitely be it! Daytime drinking is for emergencies, and this totally qualifies.....like, rilly ;-)

or you could just smoke a bowl...? that one's still my favorite!

I once new a guy who had a two square rule. TWO! Needless to say, not many people wanted to eat at the same table he did. In fact, I think he may have been required to bring his own dinner and eat in the yard.

When considering TP, it is not always the quantity but the quality. Basically, 2-ply or not 2-ply... that is the question. I insist on 2-ply. Mind you, it won't cut down on your usage of TP, but it certainly makes you feel better about wiping.

I'll bet your neighbors are just LOVING you right now!

It took some serious dedication to flush a beach towel. It would never go down in just 1 flush. The mystery flusher had to stand there for a good 5 or 6 flushes to get that puppy down there.

Heather, dude. Steely Dan is one of the best bands of all time, amen. Deacon Blues? Yes, please.

Gratuitous tp usage is a necessary evil. I have an 10 ply minium before I "go in". I hope that you are able to poop in your house, because not being able to poop in your own house is intolerable. Here's hoping the plumbers work mucho magic.

I am actually feeling sad that we just recently moved into our new house. On the last day of living in our apartment I would have SO tried to flush a towel just for the sake of DOOCE!

Have you actually seen the towel?? Does it look familar or is it from before you owned the home????

This is my husband's worst nightmare. This is the reason he refuses to buy an old home next time (which should be in the next few months). He actually used old pipes and plumbing as an example.

I love old homes *sniffle*. If only he would be willing to do what Jon recommended, and get the lines bladed every year, but that's doubtful.

Ok, so I am dying to know how much it is really costing. Are we talking tens of thousands? Gimme a hint!

God Heather, I'm sorry that you guys have to go through this. Yay for beach towels though I guess? ugh.

And total compulsive wiper over here.

This whole epidsode is really scaring me. That's all.

For record, I have already noted that I read your blog toasted in the evenings. Also, to remind the precious readers of Dooce, that it was noted by another reader, that I was drunk before 8 pm CST. So, Heather, drink on to your plumbing problems...just think of it as practice for when Leta starts to date!

As for the toilet paper melee, you must always use enough paper to clean your bottom (no matter the size) because, lets face it, no one wants a runway in their undies!

PS...You should set up a Pay Pal account for the sewer..I'd send you a dollar!

This is the type of shit (no pun intended) that makes you want to go back to seventh grade where the only problem you had was to check the yes or no box and send the note back. Hope everything get wrapped up quickly for you! Oh, if you find my 6 carat diamond ring, I'd really like it back.

This is the type of shit (no pun intended) that makes you want to go back to seventh grade where the only problem you had was to check the yes or no box and send the note back. Hope everything gets wrapped up quickly for you! Oh, if you find my 6 carat diamond ring, I'd really like it back.

Hrm. Thinking I can never live in an old house now. My ass is WAY too big.

Oh and sorry about the beach towel. It was the only thing that would keep the cat down.

If memory serves, a few months back you made the connection between eating more and being able to poop. All this megaplumbing seems an awfully high price to pay for regularity.

Heather,

Thanks for opening up the comments. Your site is more entertaining than ever! Best of luck with the plumbing disaster.

As long as the beach towel and the cat were two unrelated flushes, I'd say you're okay.

Metadoocil - a steady diet of Dooce is good for the soul and the colon.

I will have a scotch night in honor of THE BEACH TOWEL.

All hail the Backhoe! How many time do you get to say that in a life? I will add my wishes for a speedy conclusion.

There was, of course, a much cheaper solution to all this.

Stop pooping.

But no. Nobody ever listens to me.

I'm a wrapper personally. AS in I wrap the toilet paper around my hand several times. So as to not make actual contact with my skin on my hand and my skin on my butt.

I have to buy the HUGE rolls of toilet paper. It's not cheap.

flushable wipes, ahhh, that felt good.

Kudos for the beach towel! My boyfriend once rented a room in an older house his friend had just purchased a month prior. Being a money pit home, the first thing to go was the plumbing when the toilets refused to flush and the dishwasher was washing dishes with shitwater. The guilty culprit...dozens and dozens of used condoms! The guys each swore that neither had yet to 'christen the home.' Get this...the previous owner was a sweet, little ole elderly lady. Grandma was gettin' her freak on! Hang in there, Heather!

You and Jon need to stop taking such gorgeous pictures if you want us to believe that your disaster is really a disaster! Let's get some pictures of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, here. Otherwise, it all looks like a high-concept art project focusing on the Beauty of Construction.

As a homeowner, though, I shudder and break into the cold sweats when I think about going through what you and Jon are facing. Please pass the vodka. And a bucket-sized cocktail shaker.

I was a swimming pool operator for over 15 years. Things I've fished out of piping include: coke cans, bathing suits, towels, pieces of scuba gear, lots of animals/worms, tons of jewellery (in retrospect I should have taken most of it to a pawn shop), bottles of beer, goggles, large rocks, skateboard pieces (from the winter when skateboarders use the pool as a park), bicycle parts (ditto), hockey pucks, clothing, underwear, and the list goes on... If there is a pool in your neigbourhood that could be where your towel originated. I doubt it was flushed down your toilet.

I'm not even going to tell you what I've dug up during archaeology digs (of an outhouse because that is where people hide the INCRIMINATING stuff).

I'm SO IMPRESSED that you shut down your whole street. Wow.

Every few months in our neighborhood, it gets around that someone else's sewer line is blocked, and that their basement is knee-deep in sewage. I live in dread that this will happen to us one day. I think we would have to just leave everything in the basement and move away. Immediately.

Or, maybe we'll luck out like you guys and just need the entire street and yard dug up. Yikes.

Beach towel, huh? Did he find any socks? Maybe that's where all the missing clothing ends up? Maybe it can really be sucked out of the dryer.

I live in a house that was built in 1938. I have a huge maple tree in my back yard that is eating into my sewer line. Within the next few years I will either have to A) sell the house and leave the problem for the next owners or B) do exactly what you are doing. You have my condolences.

Beach towel from sewer + corn dog stick from Chuck's intestines = Evidence that the Poop Family has issues.

I hope shit gets better for you guys.

Didn't Leta have an anti-pooping campaign going a while back? Maybe she's a psychic little baby, if I believed in that which I don't but if I did...

then maybe she KNEW.

How's her eating going amongst this chaos? Some people eat more when they're stressed, so maybe this is good for her, eh?

OMG, Heather. I'm nearly crying at the witty insights of your readers. These comments are cracking me up! I hope they're making you feel better and better.

And seriously, as a previous commenter noted, you should set up a Paypal account. I would also totally send a few bucks your way!!

Aw, Dooce, that's such a shitty thing to have to deal with. Good thing it's April and not January, eh?

I would like to meet the person who successfully flushed a beach towel. Are we talking about a $10 beach towel from Target or one of the swanky $75 Calvin Klein ones that can also double as featherbeds?

[raises hand] I, too, over-use the TP. Having grown up with an ancient septic system that necessitated the use of the 1-ply foulness, I revel in my 2-ply Charmin Ultra. I dare anyone to take it away from me. Oddly enough, every time I see it's time to buy more TP, it's on sale at Target AND I have a coupon. Sweet.

A beach towel? Dayum! That must been some nasty poop! LOL

I've flushed food down the toilet...my husband's cooking sucks.

Why ask for a diving board when you could install one of those big super-huge tubular slides that go in circles and upside down and then you can charge admission from all the nosey neighbors and end up making a HUGE profit off the whole ordeal?

Things I have learned from reading THE BEST EVER DOOCE! comments:

Nothing made by the "Kandoo" people can be put down the toilet.
Drinking before 8pm CST is completely acceptable (Susan, you're my hero).
Everybody wants to see a picture of THE BEACHTOWEL.
When your dog has a mysterious string sticking out of his asshole, don't pull it. It just may very well because he ate what you think he ate.
It is nothing but a bad sign when your plumber starts talking about being able to buy his summer home outright.
There are quite a few fans of Steely Dan still hanging about.

So, the question I have is this: Would you prefer a case of bourbon or a sizeable PayPal contribution? I'm offering either. You guys hang in there.

Thank you Kierewalker for supporting my drinking habit and inducing Heather's!

Also, all in favor of PayPal fund for Heather, say AYE! (Though, she may veto it - depending on the state of sobriety)

Second movement, picture of the infamous towel, YES...what a splendid idea

Thirdly, I would love to get Leta's take on all the comotion.

Fourth, as always, I LOVE DOOCE!

After I read your 1st plumbing post, I cannot flush worry free. I feel compelled to stand and watch the swirl. Our house is 65 years old and it's sewer line has probably never been bladed. First thing when I get home from work....ask spouse about blading, then go to the bathroom.

As usual, I love your post. As for the plumbing - I have THREE daughters and myself plus my mother has an apartment in our downstairs. However, the biggest TP user is my hubby. We have some serious plumbing issues. Our house is new, but within the first 6 months of our living here, the plumbers had come out at least 3 times. We now have the "wipe three times, then flush" rule. I also have a couple of OCD girls who have to use wet wipes after pooping AND peeing. So... the plumber says NO flushable wipes in the plumbing. We also have very happy trash people. Good luck with your plumbing problems.

I think you need to take a picture of the towel. Perhaps a Paypal contribution sends you to a link of the pic? Seriously. PICTURE. How disgusting and sad is it that I want to see this towel? Makes me feel all icky like the time I went back a second time to see the stick Chuck shit out.

I stopped flushing my tamps after the first back-up into the backyard (through the hole in the main line the former owners previously called the "clean-out valve") because I had to clean them all up along with the sludge that I'd been flushing so freely into the yard for about a month without knowing it. Half of the stoppage were my "feminine products", so I smartly started keeping a ziplock baggy under the counter behind the trash-can where I place all of my used tamps now in an oh-so-glamorous manner. It's my fave part of living in a 60 year old house. Dammit.

And I still wanna see a picture of the beach towel they pulled out. Even if seeing it going down would have been a more interesting video to observe, since we can't go back in time, and all, I could settle for just the pics of it now...

Owning your home can be a nightmare sometimes. A few years ago, found out the seal on the upstairs toilet had come loose just enough for a slow leak every flush. I found out by the dining room ceiling falling down in one corner. We didn't see it coming because there was a suspended ceiling in that room. Have a nice new expensive ceiling now.
Oh, by the way, if you'll look under the ads up top on the right side...paypal link.

What I find ironic in all of this? One of your ads on the right..."Find a Plumber
Get connected with a local, qualified plumbing professional." I'm clicking away, baby!

On plural occasions in my lifetime, I have been chided for using TOO much toilet-paper (in relationship to the relative smallness of my ass). My philosophy has always been that there is no such thing as too much toilet-paper. And now -- sniff -- I know I am not alone. The veil of shame has lifted. Thanks a heap!

... wonder if the flusher of the beach towel was at a more advanced stage of the same idea; as in, "Toilet-paper, schmoilet-paper - I'm using a freakin' towel!" Just imagine how clean that crack was. ;)

When I was about 14 years old my dad's wealthy elite (and childless) friend invited our family out on his mid-sized yacht for a few days. I, also an ample TP user, managed to clog the yacht toilet. It took an entire day for this expensive-cigar-smoking, antique-car-collecting, millionaire to fix the thing. And the worst part is that I was too young to be in on the joke, so they would joke about the "incident" while I couldn't hear. At least, when they thought I couldn't hear.

As for anyone with tampon flushing issues, I highly reccommend an awesome alternative menstrual product called The Keeper. I explain it's amazingness in my blog entry found here: (couldn't get the html to work... sorry)

http://leality.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/a-sex-counselors-dream-come-true/

You'll never have to worry about disposing of the "mom sauce" ever again.

Does anyone else think it's amazing how this is being documented in such funny prose with such lovely photos?!

Hey Heather,

Go out and call them turd herders. Heh.

My parents had the exact same thing happen to their plumbing about 10 years ago. They spent a cool $10,000 on replacing their plumbing and the concrete to cover it the same year I (their first daughter) got married. Guess what I hear about each year on my anniversary?

ps.
I bet my parents live up the street from you. Sorry!

I have no answer for that beach towel mystery. Maybe Deepak Chopra can help - he studied quantum physics. Or Wayne Dyer, who wrote "There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem"... I wonder what the spiritual answer is to "how the hell did a beach towel get into our sewer pipe?" Be glad they didn't find any human remains down there.

As far as the "how much toilet paper are you supposed to use" issue, I've been getting flack from my mother about that my entire life. She has a septic system at her house and with a septic tank you do have to be careful about things like what you flush, how many loads of laundry you can do in a given day, etc., or you overload the system and risk the dreaded basement back-up.

My mother has always been of the opinion that I use way too much paper. As a kid, I can remember her telling me to COUNT OUT SIX SQUARES and ONLY six squares of toilet paper, and that was to be my "ration". (My mother is a control freak of the worst kind.)

Just as I learned to rebel against her efforts to control my food intake by putting on 100 excess pounds over the past twenty-odd years (HUMPH! Guess I showed HER, eh?) I think I also rebelled against the Toilet Paper Embargo by "sneaking" extra toilet paper... and now I probably do use way too much.

Lord, the things we are willing to talk about with total strangers on a blog...

I'm an excessive toilet paper user, and I've been hammered for this throughout my lifetime, but really, I stand by it.

What worries me is the new wave of water-saving toilets. I've lamented this fact publicly for ages, and really, it needs to be said. It doesn't *flush* everything down properly, and those of us who use a lot of TP are shit out of luck, because NOT ONLY are we using lots of TP for ourselves, but there is usually a required sweep-up after everything is said and done. With MORE toilet paper.

(However, I keep disposable toilet brushes in every bathroom because they are JUST THAT NECESSARY)

Hi Heather, I've been reading all about you and your VERY NORMAL family since I found you while searching for "kitchen remodel" photos late one night. My husband couldn't figure out what the hell I was laughing so damn hard for !!! But with all the perfectly palaced swearing, I thought I'd stumbled across my cyber twin. With your current plumbing fun I thought I just had to comment this time. My husband and I bought a 52 year old home about 2 years ago. Young by some standards but we had some fun surprises too. It's currently on the market, all fixed & fine of course, so I won't divulge the nightmare here. Small town and all that, you never know...

Anyway, we feel your pain. The home before this, I was on a first name basis with several plumbers in town. We'd take who ever could get there the fastest. We ended up w/a full re-plumb of the entire house. That was a narcotics moment if ever there was one. They say it could always be worse, and just think... they could be INSIDE your house. Best of luck and hopefully you won't have to sell Leta to a caravan of gypsies passing through town to pay for it.

Does Jon know what you did to his Steely Dan tape?

That is quite a find, a beach towel. You do have to tell us who gets the flying dishes.

I know your frustration and I really do feel for you. I seriously do not think that heavy drinking and violent fits are enough to ease your pain. Take a few days and go to a spa and get the royal treatment. You will get to use a nice clean toilet that you dont have to worry about, even if it does overflow. Walk out and just say 'Hey, theres a problem with your toilet.' while the water gushes behind you.

2 words: Scott Tissue

Never use anything else! And never flush anything but that in a sewer line. Use a covered garbage can if you have to. Oh, and please keep the towels at the pool. We dont need you going through this again.

my husband used to pump septic tanks and repair sewage lines and the like. dude came home one day and told me a brown penny loafer shoe had turned up in a clogged line they were "snaking" out. i was like wtf? a shoe?

anyway he always told me that eventually enough "shit" will clog up a line over time regardless of what it is where it came from.

hang in there!

I'll bet the beach towel required a courtesy flush.
Maybe it is a "If yo don't pee in our pool - we won't swim in your toilet!" Karma thing. :)
Nothing wrong with using too much paper, but please don't try to flush it all at once. I'm still trying to teach my 20 year old that. Except now the toilet in his home runneth over!

Sounds as bad as when we needed a new septic tank in the back yard. Like throwing money down the toilet.

My heart goes out to you and your family...the horror!

I don't know how you flush a beach towel, but I do know a labrador who ate (and subsequently vomited whole) a pair of bicycle shorts. Sometimes physics doesn't have a whole lot to do with it.

I live in a brand new house for the first time ever - it has low-flow toilets, also a first for me. I had to replace a sewer line in my previous house (built in 1928), but the problem with the low-flow toilets is the toilet paper. I've learned you can use all the paper you want, just flush after two wipes. The beauty is it's low flow, so it fills up fast for the next flush. Oh, and have the plumber's friend handy. And bleach - oh yes, bleach!

Darn. This is bringing me down big time. Rats!

As a junior league constipator I've found a miracle in those adult baby wipe things that I'm sure are aimed at the elderly and infirmed. I dread to think though of what these soft saviors might be doing to our sewer line. They're made of some sort of cloth-like (one might even suggest beach towel-like) substance.

I feel so bad for your family having to deal with this. It is things like this that really scare be about owning a home. I hope all continues to go as well for you as it can, with no more unexpected problems.

heather, do you realize how many people thought of you when they wiped their asses last night and/or this morning? I hope that makes you smile....it did me! *smooch*